My Perspective

[Gator Girl]

uke: I keep vomiting. That sucks. And I have a show tonight.
I missed my last rehearsal of the year because my face was over the toilet. Booo! Why can't I get sick for non-fun things? Like before a mandatory office meeting.

Other than the nausea I am in great spirits. I am praying it goes away, or atleast temporarily for the show this evening. But if it doesn't, what can I do? I just hope I don't get cut from the schedule for health reasons. Cause who knows how long my health related absenses will continue. Right now my doctors are arguing over what is wrong with me. But the general consensus is that they don't know. My theory is I was bit by a strange bug when watching the monkeys play at the zoo. And it is just rare and annoying enough to not be discernable. I am going to cease taking all of my medication in case that is the culprit. I know they get kickbacks from the pharmaceutical companies. Hisssssss

Oh yeah, I was talking about being in good spirits. I really truly am. It's just hard when your body doesn't agree with your head. I bought Milo and Otis today online. If that isn't a feel good movie, I don't know what is. It's about love, adventure, friendship, and most importantly it's about a kitten and a puppy! I could just put them in my mouth they are so cute. Oh, and today is my last day of work for the year. Yup! Two weeks paid vacation! Another reason for me to be in good spirits. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. Most likely I will become a hermit and watch a lot of daytime tv. And do laundry. And catch as much improv as I can. No bed time! Yay!

My coworkers gave me chocolate. I don't have the heart to tell them I am allergic. So I will just regift them to my boyfriend. He likes-a the chocolate.

Hey! Catch you readers next year! Yay holiday!!!:love:

 

[Gator Girl]

I think I may have picked up on why I have trouble with pattern games sometimes. My brain is moving too quickly and then I deny what it gives me because it is so far removed from anything that would make sense. And I know I censor myself to not be stupid(a hurdle I must over come) But I think this may be a culprit.

For example, if peanut was the suggestion--my brain would quickly go: peanut butter, mouse, rat, garbage, can, garbage men, emilio estevez. And before I can get myself to back up to peanut butter everyone around me is eating peanut butter with their fingers. I follow. Then my brain goes eating peanut butter with finger, puck, real world, guy with aids, plague, britain, 10th grade history, mr harris. And before I can back up everyone is putting jelly with the peanut butter. Jelly, doughnut, dunkin donuts, coffee, cream, milk, cow, farmer, turbine.

So I keep myself from saying Emilio Estevez, Mr. Harris, and Turbine. Since those would be my first accessable thoughts. I don't have that problem in scenes. It's almost like when my brain goes into pattern mode I can't turn it off to pay attention and just react.

I remember my friend Bethany in highschool telling me I was the most random person she had ever met. But my thoughts weren't truly random. I would just make so many connections in my brain before my mouth was able to react that I seemed random. But it was all perfectly logical to me. That's why I like writing. I can fill in the logical steps I passed over before my thoughts are read. And erase foot in the mouth moments. <---backspace.

 

[Gator Girl]

Today's topic, the improv voice. Well before I get into full swing on that, I will preface it by sharing once again that my brain likes to break things down mathematically. I guess that is why I am good at music. It's math. Your brain just remembers the increments between notes and relative lenth of time a note should be held based...oh that is a tangent. The math of comedy. Most everyone by now is aware of the rule of threes. I don't completely comprehend why it works. Two gets a head nod. Four gets a giggle of recognition. But three is funny. Maybe it has to do with us liking a beginning middle and end to things. Beginning and end isn't quite as satisfying. And if there is too much middle you get bored. I don't know. Maybe it has to do with the way we digest proteins. Three is just funny. But there are other mathematical elements to improv. Or the "comedy" as some choose to approach it. Timing, for one. Games are brought about by logisitical thinking. They are "organic" but they follow specific patterns. And when the patterns are broken the game feels...eh. And we all know how "eh" feels. "I LOve me some quoTATion marKS."

Anywho, I have stumbled onto a new mathematical element of improv. After watching quite a few shows in a row with all my time off from work. And it has to do with the improv voice. Everyone does it. Even if it is just mockingly over dinner with friends. I'Ve got a MONKey in my PAnts. Don't you see? The improv voice utilizes the sine wave!! The vocal inflections follow that up and down rollarcoaster and the space between the higher pitches and lower pitches are equadistant! Yes! Well that is my theory. I will be paying close attention to see if this is correct. Why is it so appealing? It seems a lot of people use this improv voice. It can be funny. And it is generally used when things are in the realm of absurdity. Where I think it works best. But it seems to be a crutch as well. Just like playing games are. That sounds worse than I mean it to be. Basically I mean they are an outline for which to follow. The outline of say, a shortform game where you are plugging in a suggestion, or the outline of your voice pattern where you are plugging in words. And voila! The funny. And when the sine wave of the voice is accompanied by the arms making a matching pattern of waving in the air, even funnier. Almost like an exaggerated version of that passing energy thing in break dancing.

So I have broken it down. But why? Well, because it has started to really annoy me. Not that I don't find it funny sometimes. But I think poop is funny too. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Anywho, it annoys me because it usually ends up preventing the person who is doing it from having grounded scenes or truthful emotional reactions to anything. YOu're burnING me with FIre. *flappity flap flap* Instead of OW you shit head! Which is what I would say if someone burned me. Anywho. It also creates this weird world where the audience is aware that the character is aware that he/she/it is inhabited by an actor who is also aware that an audience is aware of their presence. Huh what? Yeah. And I mean that. And that is what annoys me. The character isn't present in the moment because the actor is too hyper aware that they are being watched. Yeah, that's what bugs me. I think.

 

[Gator Girl]

There are a few people in the community that give me a weird feeling in my stomach. And it can be closely described as jealousy, but that isn't quite it. Because these people don't have anything that I knowingly crave. But it makes me have similar physical reactions as jealousy. So I don't know what this feeling is. They are people I like. People I enjoy to talk with. But there is a gnawing emotion that this select few bring up in me and I cannot seem to label it. There is a level of anger attached. But it doesn't make sense. And my biggest struggle is trying to define this emotion so I can figure out how to get rid of it. It is so strange to have an undefined negative emotion. And I know if I can just figure out what part of me, what insecurity in myself this is connected with, that I will climb up a notch on the ladder of self fulfillment. Why do these people frustrate me so? They aren't on pedestals. They aren't people I look up to or have looked up to at one time. They are just there. And when I see them I get a boiling feeling and want to take a swing. What is it? Is there a body language conversation going on that is causing this? I don't know. But whenever I experience this emotion I am nothing less than frustrated. Where is this $%*& coming from?:wishy:

 

[Gator Girl]

I figured it out!! Boy do I feel like a doofus. It's competition. That's what it is. These people are at the same place I am in my training and therefore I feel a level of competition with them, regardless if they have more talent/skill(as that remains to be determined by a few more years). I think it took me a while to figure this out because in theory, I am very anti-competition. Anti conflict. I like playing games until someone gets mean or competitive. And I don't think it is because of them, but because I don't like that side of myself and being in that situation has the potential to bring it out in me. And it seems so silly. I am anti keepin' up with the Joneses. Yet when I see the Joneses' I get a rumbling in my tummy. And I like the Joneses. Now that I know where this is coming from it will be easier to address. Though some level of competition is good, right? I shouldn't drop out of the race just because there are people in other lanes I am afraid to bump into. I use too many comparisons. hehe. Anywho, I guess I will have to face this competitive beast that I have tried to keep underwraps my entire life. I also find it very interesting who I put into the category of competition. Hmmm....

 

[Gator Girl]

I don't know if anyone believes in this--heck! I don't know if I believe in it. But if I did, I would say my karma is in balance. I have a few examples. A few months ago I was leaving a party in the wee hours of morning. No one was able to drive me home(no one with a car or sober enough for me to trust) and no one was heading in my direction as far as walking went. So I start walking, constantly looking behind me and around me just to be safe. And then it starts pouring. Out of nowhere. And I stop on this deserted street and look down in despondency. And as I wish to myself that I had cab fare---right between my feet is a $20 bill. Had I not stopped at that exact spot and looked down to see it soaked and blending in with the sidewalk....and then on an empty street...a lone cab heading in the right direction. I grabbed the bill and the cab and made it safetly home. Another example--in college I loaned a friend some money to attend an improv festival with our group. And looking back, I had been naive and shouldn't have given the rat bastard a cent. But he had us all fooled. And I wanted the team to be together for our trip. So it turns out he used the money for drugs. And then he left the state. So I was out a bit of money. And when it dawned on me I was never going to see that money again--I recieve a check in the mail for slightly more than what I had given him. Not from him, but from a scholarship that I hadn't applied to. My rabbi had entered me into some scholarship thingie. So the money came back to me. And further proof happened last night. I left my Pirate McMonkey rehearsal in a hurry because I had another rehearsal I needed to get to. And in my haste I left my hat at a place where it probably will never be seen again. And as I walk in the door for my next rehearsal--they are passing out hats. I am not kidding. A new hat for me. It's cool to live in a universe where things keep balancing themselves out like that. And maybe they don't always but I just choose to see them that way.

 

[Gator Girl]

I remember the first time I couldn't figure out a problem in Algebra. I threw my book at the wall. I knew all the devices I needed to arrive at a solution, yet was still unable to piece it together to come up with one. And I can honestly say that felt worse than any embarrasing moment I have had. To know I have the means and yet still be unable to follow through. Eep! I always had it easy. I remember thinking of homework as busy work as opposed to a learning tool. After all, we already learned it in class. Why did I have to repeat the same damn thing 50 times at home? Ah yes. The first time I didn't have it easy was awful. And that's how I feel about improv sometimes. I never thought I had it easy with improv. I think part of the intrigue of it is that it is a problem that I will never know enough to be able to solve. So the learning process in unending. Unlike a two variable equation. Once you learn it, you learn it. In improv, even the constants are variables. That's a nerdy way to look at it. I've been on such a math kick lately. Maybe I miss it. But anywho. I get that same awful frustrating feeling with improv sometimes. Only there is no book to throw. I feel like I have so much knowledge at my disposal but sometimes I can't see the simplest of solutions. Gah! It's so frustrating to get notes in rehearsal or after a show and completely understand what would have possibly made the scene better. But when I was in "problem solving mode" no solution could be found and I just flopped around. Well, it's not that bad. I am my own worst critic. Ah! Its just so frustrating to be in this place. I know to pick up on a pattern. And I see the pattern. And I don't pick up on it. Why? Where's the damn book for me to throw? hehehe I have to laugh. Because it is completely ridiculous that I should be able to comprehend everything my first try. It is just how I would prefer it to be. But then again, where is the fun in that? And how uninteresting would I be without my hissy fits?

 

[Gator Girl]

Lately I have been obsessed with reality shows like Star Search and It Factor (when I have time, that is) Partly out of sheer entertainment value but partly out of curiousity too. Is this a path my life may take me to? Not being on those shows. No way! But the world around them that is being documented. That strive to be famous. Or just payed to do what they love. But watching it I see this weird stereotype arise that is so familiar. It's this group of optimistic, selfhelp book reading, astrology watching people who are past the age of their peers for "normal" things like career and family. None of them own cars. And it seems like they all read the same books and have the same vocabulary. (They use words like universe and self and passion and drive and water sign.) I guess it is the same as being in any group. But it makes me wonder if I talk like that. "It's in my blood. I am just following the positive flow of the forces in the universe." It makes me nauseous to watch. But I think I do that. Oh well. I guess I am one of them. On the "journey to find fulfillment through my art." Barfaroo. :love:

 

[Gator Girl]

A sad day. Just survived layoff #6. This time it was specific to the client I am working on. 6 layoffs in a year and a half is harsh. I am so lucky. But I gots me a money market account just in case. They say you should have 6 months salary saved up. Well, a girl can dream.

 

[Gator Girl]

I got a voice mail this morning that made me feel a little guilty. Well, a little. It was from a coworker who annoyed the crap out of me. Driving me crazy on a daily basis because he just didn't listen or pay attention and simple tasks turned into all day affairs. Tasks like finding him a new black pen. And I even spoke to HR twice about him and how difficult he was to work with. And he got fired yesterday. It had nothing to do with me whatsoever. The client changed their budget for the year a few days ago and we just couldn't afford to pay as many people. And in a case like that, they might move an account person to another account. But since budgets are all running small...well you get the point. But seriously, he stressed me out so much. And I feel guilty that I am somewhat relieved that he is gone. Especially since he left me a voice mail telling me how great I was to work with and if I ever needed anything that I could give him a call. Eep! Ok, I shouldn't feel guilty. Budget issues are not my fault. It had nothing to do with the karmic flares I was sending up. Kaboom! oh jeez. Karma? barf.

 

[Gator Girl]

It's cold. And I don't like the cold. But I have found one good thing amidst the...cold. Everyone looks so cute bundled up! Even the grouchy accounting department. Put them in fuzzy hats and gloves and wrap them in a big coat and even with their scowls they look adorable. There is something so child like that is brought out in people being bundled.

 

[Gator Girl]

I have been forced into become ageist. And I know my mom works for the elderly. But if one more little old lady punches me or smacks me with her cane, that is it. No more being nice to old people. Offering a seat to a woman who hits me incredibly hard across my kneecaps with her metal cane was my next to last straw. And the straw before that straw was a woman at Jewel punching me and telling me to fuck off when I offered to help her pick out a jar of olives. Yeah. Okay crazy old ladies. And today on the bus an old man ground his heel into my foot--intentionally--so I would offer him a seat. Being the pacifist I am, I gave him my seat. But scowled all the way to work. Why me? Why not bug the three gentlemen near the door? The ones with the rosey cheeks and sneakers. Those cats should offer up their seats. Why injure a girl? Probably because I let them. It's the violence that bugs me. It's not just that they are nasty old people. They are nasty old people who physically bully me. I wasn't even bullied in middle school. Ugh. Anywho, new topic.

I was chatting with peeps last week and this weekend and reiterated to myself that I make my own opportunities. I am tired of hearing people complain that they haven't been discovered at such and such theatre, or a casting agent for SNL hasn't picked them off the street as the next new talent. C'mon. So the bug in my ear has caused me to move forward on a concept my brain has been urging me to put into reality since I moved here. And I think now is a good time in my training to make it happen. So's I am. And I ain't tellin you til I feel like it. But it has nothing to do with being discovered. It has to do with doing something fulfilling. For myself. Not for a theatre, not for an audience, and not for money. For myself. Yay!

 

[Gator Girl]

I frequently hear people refer to their lives as being like a sitcom. And I did meet a girl with Man Hands last week.(They were huge!) But I hope life isn't like a sitcom. I've determined that the odds of me being on the elevator with a pregnant woman to be around 50/50. There are a LOT of pregnant women in my office building. Just the ride up this morning there were three. Now there are those that I suppose are pregnant, but sometimes it is hard to tell. But when they offer up the ever approaching due date to a stranger, I get the hint. The elevator repair men have been here for two weeks. Atleast once a day you can hear the alarm going off in the background because someone else has gotten stuck in there. I've never gotten stuck but I have had the pleasure of dropping three floors. I haven't peed myself but have come close. My current fear is that I am going to have to deliver a baby. Oh please do not let my life be like a sitcom. Even if the fresh prince made it look so easy.

 

[Gator Girl]

My last half hour should have been in a sitcom. I can feel my heart throbbing in my forehead. The past two months have been leading up to a certain conference call with the client. A very important conference call, I know, because it is in red on the calender. I recieve a phone call at 10:20am saying that the 11am conference call MUST be moved 15 minutes earlier. That's it. Doesn't sound like an inhuman feat. But my nerves have been frayed. I call the admin for the creative department and pray she can get in touch with the creative directors in time. I then track down two people on my floor and inform them of the moved time. Then I see on the calender that five people are in another meeting that isn't scheduled to end until 11am. I run to the conference room on the calender. And it is empty. what the @#$%? Where the hell are they? I ask the woman who books the rooms. Nope nothing else has been reserved. I then start on the 20th floor and work my way down interupting meeting after meeting to finally find them on 17. (there are 4-5 conference rooms per floor) Then it occurs to me, crap! What if someone is in the conference room I have reserved and my people won't be able to get in there early? There is a conference call with the Boeing account. Shoot. Darnit. Crap! I now have 10 minutes before the call and there is no room, no phone, and no one knows where to go. I enlist another admin to grab the phone from the 13th floor. I reserve the only open conference room for the next two hours. Just in case. I retrack down everyone who are now in transit between meetings and inform them they now need to go to the 12th floor. Meanwhile I run back up to 20 in case someone hasn't heard of the change and to get the phone from the other admin. Then run to the 15th floor in case the creatives haven't heard. I run back to twelve with polyphone in hand and at 10:43 discover the door is locked. what the @#$%? I run to the nearest phone (in the accounting dept. They are very cranky people) and get office services to run and unlock the door. at 10:45 everyone is arriving, office services is there with the key and the phone is plugged in and turned on. RASIFRASIRASIFRASI! I sit and sip my coffee.

 

[Gator Girl]

Um, have you ever thrown on a pair of pants that were on the floor only to discover later in the day that you have a sock wedged behind your knee? I have. I did. Today. So now I have a dirty sock in my pocket.

I've been frustrated with rehearsals for MCWillie, the show with Comedy Sportz. I know the more familiar I am with the script and blocking, the easier it will get. But big and wacky just isn't what I am used to. Some can pull it off geniusly. Like the cast of the show(come see it!) I just feel awkard in my skin trying to follow suit. I tend to lean towards subtlety. To my own detriment. Sometimes I am so subtle I don't even know what I am doing. Um, yeah. Maybe it's because I don't fancy myself a comedian. People usually just laugh at me 'cause I am weird. I will figure this out, ya'll. Don't worry. Maybe if I had a free evening to review stuff by myself. Who am I kidding. If I had a free evening I would catch up on Smallville.

 

[Gator Girl]

A lot of older men have been hitting on me today. And usually I would be oblivious to that sort of thing, but when offers of money and cookies are involved, I cannot deny it. Or maybe I just look hungry and they want to feed me. But I have not recieved offers of food from any women. Yet.

Rehearsals for MCWillie were good this weekend. This show will be a big hit in my opinion. The talent is outrageous. Even hearing people sing with their tired rehearsal voices makes me very happy. Though I am thoroughly exhausted. All these rehearsals and shows are equivelant to having a second job. As I am sure everyone doing this can attest to.

I was frustrated but have a great sense of calm with my two shows this weekend. One with each group. Neither were particularly good, but I left them in good spirits.

Though it is hard for me not to be upset by someone initiating with having generic cancer. (WATCHOUT FOR RANT!)That is just a sore spot for me. Because in my particular history of improv I have heard that initiation a bajillion times and only once has it ever been executed with even an inkling of real emotion. And in the situation where it was treated genuinely, the audience didn't want to hear it anyway. Why is it when new improvisers are told to have emotional stakes in a scene or truthful relationships, they automatically go to cancer? Or a divorce? How many improvisers have experienced a real life conversation about cancer. And how many improvisers have been divorced? My guess is few if going by the age range I see. Not that you need to have been in a situation in order to approach it with some level of honesty. I wasn't angry with the team or anything. I just wish they could understand on a deeper level what it means to play things "real". And I understand that it is a comic move as opposed to one that would forward anything. A move out of fear. Perhaps if it were a specific disease or something else life threatening. Like being hit by a car. Atleast I haven't heard it so many times. Or, god forbid a relationship be positive. Two people who enjoy each other's company existing in an environment. Yes, they should do this to appease me. I am in charge. I think I need to go sit in the corner.

 

[Gator Girl]

Ok, Armando cast last night addressed cancer(specifically leukemia) with both truth and humor. Yay Armando! So it can be done.

Surprise, I am frustrated. And maybe someone will have some advice for me on this matter. In dealing with argument scenes, I have learned/figured out two tactics that work for me on forwarding the action of the scene. Though sometimes when working with improvisers who have have more developed skills(but still lean towards the arguments in lieu of character conflict) they are so efficiently skilled at retaining an argument no matter what I throw at them! So I feel like the entire scene consists of me trying to thwart an argument and them trying to keep it going. Curse you skilled improvisers!

The tactics I know are to 1)come on to the other character, or 2)lose the argument. And lose hard. Usually involves my character crying.

Now, I know that seduction is a less active emotional choice. Because it leaves the characters with two options. Make out or leave. And to try and sustain that energy when one character is not interested or when both are interested, is difficult. Unless it is wrapped around a game. But the choice is usually empty unless there is a why behind it. Why is this character attracted to someone who is so argumentative? I just do it to get them to stop arguing. But without much more it is hard to play. I usually am too vapid when I make this choice. "Oh you are so hot, blah blah blah."

So I tend to lean towards flat out losing the argument. "You don't ever do the dishes." "You are right! And I leave my laundry on the floor too. And I just peed myself." Atleast with that choice there is more room to add specifics to the scene and relationship. Ok, awesome. It works. Even if they want to continue the argument. Which is frustrating. Also losing can mean embodying this 'failure' they are describing. Taking each argued line as a character trait. It usually leads me to tears. (Crying is funny!) Sometimes I really want to argue back. Desperately. Eat this shoe!

However, I am tired of crying in 50% of my scenes. What is the deal? There has to be another tactic that I am not privy to. If you know one, email me. How to get out of an argument scene if the other person wants to argue.

 

[Gator Girl]

Riding in the elevator reminded me briefly of when I first moved here. It was so weird to me that elevators were such a prevelant part of everyone's life. Elevator in the apartment. Elevator at work. Elevator to go to a food court. In Florida, the flatlands, elevators were for the handicapped. There were rare and few occasions in which I would find myself in an elevator. And now I am in a several a day. And I am so trusting of that little pully system.

Anywho, I also was thinking about how exciting it was to visit the Florida capital building. It was a huge field trip destination for the public schools. The tallest building in Tallahassee. Or it was according to my memory. 22 glorious stories high. It was magnificent. And I now work on the 20th floor of my office building. Doesn't seem so grand. But it is pretty cool for this small town girl.

 

[Gator Girl]

With the birthday coming up soon, I was stuck with the decision of what to do. I decided on a simple dinner with close friends. Which raised another issue. Close friends? I used to have about 10 of em. We'd call each other to chat for no reason and just hang out in each others apartment listening to the latest CD someone purchased. Or a few would gather to go to dinner or to a movie. I couldn't think of any close friends. And maybe it's because I have been so busy with rehearsals that I have neglected that part of my life. But I don't have people to call up for no reason or to just hang out. I have a bajillion people I consider friends. Just none are close. No one knows my favorite foods, or my neurotic habits. No one knows what kind of music I like or movies I want to go to. No one teases me when I get a haircut. I miss the close friendships. But I forget how I made them in the first place. Do I hound someone I find interesting until we become close friends? Where's my Joey and Rachel? I need someone to bake cookies with who will help me eat them all in one sitting.

 

[Gator Girl]

Pirate McMonkey was taken off the schedule. And I was the sole survivor. Talk about survivor guilt. I don't think I had anything to offer that was anything remotely superior to my teammates. They are all very upset right now. And I am too. But I feel because I am still on a team that they might not believe that I am as equally upset as they are about it. Granted I don't have the same ego slam that they have just undergone. But the sadness over possibly not playing with them again is still strong. I think most of them are upset because of the way the schedule is done. Not so much necessarily that they were taken off, but they were treated as merely names on a list of paper. And not as individuals who performed for free in front of paying audiences, and did not get the respect of being told first. The system is still rough, and I hope that in the future there could be a better way of doing it. Sure it's tough to tell someone they are no longer part of a "cast." But I think they deserve to be told. And the director of the group as well. That's my 2cents.

I think it odd that people have the ultimate goal of performing at IO. THAT's their ultimate goal. Or perhaps its to be in Armando, after years of being on a house team. That's all fine and dandy. But I don't quite understand. Granted, yes, I would be disappointed if I had been cut. But my ultimate goal is not to perform for free for the rest of my life. It's not even necessarily to perform for money. It's to become the best improviser that I have the potential of being. Whether it is on the IO stage or elsewhere. I love improv so much. I have to do it. I can't NOT do it. It scares me more than just about anything. But there is some reason I cannot stay away. But with or without the IO stage I would still have this same thing to pursue. Even with a slap in the face from one of my favorite places to perform. And maybe I am able to be all holier than thou about it because I haven't felt the sting yet. And maybe my song will change. But right now, that's how I feel.

Speaking of song, on another note I am really looking forward to this new team. It is 7 women and 3 men. I don't think IO has done that in a long time, if ever. It should be interesting.