My Perspective

[Gator Girl]

I'm so excited.

I had a good time at my 5B last night. Wouldn't say it was a good show, but I definately enjoyed myself. Improv is weird like that. I've been in awesome shows and felt horrible afterwards. Ah, the beast. For some reason, my group does a lot of scenes about serial killers. I wonder what in the psyche leads to that? Eh, then again, I had another group that had a robots on the brain. Maybe it doesn't mean anything at all.

I attended Monster Island on Friday. They were playful and smart and funny. I am so honored to get to play with them this week. I can only dream that they enjoy having me and that I will be more than a guest. I'm really looking forward to this. I went through the why me phase. And have moved on to the, why not?

It only takes one person. One person to hold you back. And one person to give you a huge opportunity. And I thought that one person was someone else. Some mysterious unknown. A person holding me back, either because they lacked confidence in me or didn't like me or held some weird grudge. And the one person to give me the opportunity. Because they saw something great in me. And couldn't believe that no one would give me a chance. But ultimately, that one person is me. Because I can only be held back if I believe what the first person puts out there. And if I hold any disbelief towards the person showing me confidence. So I believe I am good. I believe I am talented. And that, hopefully, will show both of my "angels" what I really am capable of.

 

[Gator Girl]

I can't believe how good this year is getting. And it isn't even February. I got something on the burner for this summer that is making me do mental backflips. A roundoff. And a three point landing.

 

[Gator Girl]

Today is signup for SC Tourco auditions. And people are scrambling(well the imaginary people in my head) And I was torn. Well, not really. I have no desire to be on Tourco. So that really is the end of that. I mean, it sounds like a lot of fun an all. But I wouldn't be willing to give up my day job, my health insurance, my pretty new one bedroom with all the fixins, my time to pursue whatever it is that brings me joy on any given week. Time with my bf. Plus, getting cast as an understudy doesn't guarantee you'll tour. And understudys aren't paid. It's a huge commitment. And they don't really do improv. It's mostly sketch. And it's mostly stuff written by someone else. And what I enjoy most, is improv. And if I am going to do sketch, I want it to be my own. Though I am sure that the training of doing a professional show is incomparable to anything I'd discover independently. Personally, I'd be much more interested in a summer camp type of gig. Like what Improv Acadia does. I still have to have an internal debate of whether I want to audition for that or not. But I think a 1-2 month gig would be much more accomodating to the lifestyle I have chosen for myself. Plus one of the best weeks of my life was spent in Maine. A beautiful place. If I don't audition this year, perhaps I will in 2006. But who knows what fate has in store for me. It might be good experience to just audition even if I wouldn't be up for the challenge just yet.

 

[Gator Girl]

Lake Michigan looked like a desert this morning. It's so weird to see a beach covered in snow. And weirder than that, the lake itself, frozen over, and covered in snow. Snow all the way to the horizon. I squinted and I think I saw waves breaking--way far away.

I signed up for auditions! No silly, not for SC. For Improv Acadia!

 

[Gator Girl]

No dice this week for Monster Island. Someone in the group or possibly more than one someones, felt uncomfortable with me playing. Perhaps I'll get to sit in sometime. I'm disappointed, but if I get to sit in even once, that would be a huge honor in my book.

 

[Gator Girl]

What a rollercoaster my life is. After the disappointment yesterday, my 5B class had a rehearsal. And not only did we have a lot of fun playing together, but they all rallied around me. They were all planning to attend MI to see me play and they were more disappointed than I was that I was turned down this week. I told them it was silly to cancel a night of hanging out just because of that. So we are grabbing burgers first and then catching some killer improv. Tonight should be a lot of fun.

Oh, and one of my classmates offered me the opportunity at a freelance writing job! Could this be a break for me professionally?

 

[Gator Girl]

The end.

 

[Gator Girl]

The beginning.

I wasn't intending to start this thing up again, but it has been a helpful resource for me as a writer. I'm in a very different place that I was when I stopped writing here. I'm much much happier. Life stresses seem to be settling down for me. My health is crazy better. I did have to learn to give myself shots, which sucks ass, but it's worth it for how I feel. I lost 40 lbs. Yup. That's a lot. And I start ballet class in two weeks and I hired a personal trainer. I spent two years being sick. I want to be healthy. I want to be on the other end of that spectrum. I'm not going to take for granted the gift I have been given. I'm so fortunate that I didn't have to have surgery. And I'm fortunate to have found treatment to help put my Crohn's into remission. I'm still feeling sluggish from all that I've gone through, but my energy is getting better every day. I walk home from work 2-3 days a week, weather permitting. And that's a little less than 4 miles.

My job is great. My coworkers are great. Not only do I have a window office(which I probably mentioned before) but I am getting recognized for all I do for the company. Which sure beats being yelled at for not filling the copier.

I'm on a team at IO called the DBC. And it's a weekly reminder of how much fun improv can be. I finished the Annoyance program, but am currently taking Susan Messing, since I hadn't worked with her in years. And she is as entertaining and vulgar as I remember. She's a tiny sailor. And a great teacher. I don't think I can emphasize enough how much I enjoyed taking classes at the Annoyance.

I put up a sketch show. And learned so much. I learned what works, and I learned a healthy helping of what not to do. So I'm going into a new project with a lot of fire.

And I want to take guitar lessons, but depending on how much time fitness takes in my schedule, I may have to put those off for a few months. I've been playing guitar since I was 16. Though I'm probably only as good as someone who has been playing for a year or two. So I need to get with the program. And learn how to restring my guitar. How lame that I don't know how to do that. I still take it in to professionals for that.

And I want to take voice lessons. Not singing for a year or more has really left my voice weak. My range is no where near where it was for my last musical. And I need to get it back up to working order. After all, it's one of my superpowers.

 

[Gator Girl]

I miss math. It was my favorite subject. Behind music, of course. There is something so satisfying about solving a binomial. Shoot. I don't even remember what a binomial is. I was in math club. Mu Alpha Theta. Attended regional, state, and even national competitions. I used matrices to solve complex equations. I could figure out what cosine equaled. And I knew what logarythms and limits and derivitives were. I knew the quadratic equation with my eyes closed. And it's gone. Or it's in my brain's garage, behind the motorboat that isn't being used anymore. And all these creative classes I am taking don't fill the hole of a math class. Because there is no right answer. And I would take a math class for fun, but to what end? I mean, what good is it going to do me to know all that crap again? In school, there seemed to be a reason. Math is useful and you need it in life and stuff. And all my friends became engineers and scientists and even mathematicians. And I went into advertising. Honestly, I have no desire whatsoever to be in a math heavy profession. But I do miss my brain functioning in that manner. It was fun. Some people like crosswords. I like math problems. Give me a logic problem over a reference question any day.

I long to solve for x on a sheet of notebook paper with a pencil.

 

[Gator Girl]

In response to several threads on the chicago board-

Do we really need an improv guru to follow? Do we need "a way"?
Is it not the followers that dictate religion more than the leaders? Hmmm. Now I want to find a book on that subject. Supply side or Demand side? I should find a book on that too. I think it's so silly to declare problems on the lack of a guru. If there was a guru, problems would be blamed on them. No one is all knowing. And who the heck would want that title. Was Del considered a guru while he was still alive? Eh, I should read the book. So many books for me to read! (Actually right now, I'm enjoying the Devil Wears Prada. Other than the fashion crap, it reminds me of my old job a little bit. In my world, the Devil wears Dockers.)

No matter what is going on in a community, ultimately, individuals decide what they want out of it. If we let ourselves get swayed by what others want or what others may want for us, we won't be satisfied.

A new theater in LA? The more venues the better. More of a chance to figure out what you want out of improv. I say hooray for more theaters. There was the thought that all these new business minded theaters would be bad for longform.

I don't think it's bad for longform. Why not have a big improv business. That's what some people want. Where some people fit and belong. I don't think the business aspect is a detriment. I think it's what can go along with that. Big fishery. Instead of artistry. But people will always strive to be a big fish wherever they are, regardless of what their original goals may have been. It's so tempting. Recognition is so sweet. I have a friend in the Medieval Fair circuit who stopped pursuing his theatrical goals once he was promoted to Merlin. He was getting some sweet wench ass. He forgot how much he loved studying Beckett and stage combat.

We have to be our own keepers. Do we want to make money at this? Is that why we got into it? Do we want to pursue a career or pursue an artistic goal. Or both. Do we want to be the most popular person at the bar? Do we want to be doing 5 shows a week at the underground lounge? Do we want to be a class-aholic doing nothing more than taking every class possible? What do we want? Not what are we supposed to want. This all goes back to Second City for me. I still don't understand what the draw is. I'd much rather chase after a role at the Steppenwolf than an underpaid touring gig of US college campuses.

Kids, I'm getting headshots. I finally look like myself again. And I got a subscription to performink. Little by little, I'm remembering what I want.

 

[Gator Girl]

Jealousy.

I'm much more adept at recognizing it now. A couple years ago, I didn't even realize when I was jealous myself. And now I'm learning all kinds of new facets.

I know it is a highly negative place to be in. And sooo not constructive. Everyone experiences it. Probably on a daily basis. "Uh! Why did she get her sandwich before me. I ordered first!" I've been stalled by it. On the small scale and the larger one. But I'm hyper aware of it in myself now, so it's much easier to pass. It's still there. But it's like a big dead armadillo in the road. I look at it squeemishly. I don't want to get near it. But I climb over it, and try my best not to look back at it. No matter how curious.

I have a coworker who is battling jealousy. From the first day of dating her current boyfriend, she was constantly suspicious of him. Looking around his apartment for other women's belongings. When she found a bracelet on his dresser she couldn't get work done for a week. And it turns out he found it on the ground and was going to have it cleaned and then give it to her. And she didn't believe him. And my initial instinct was, if you don't trust him, why are you dating him? She has been dating him for almost two years now. And if he so much talks to another woman while out with friends, she invites me to lunch the next day to complain about him. How dare he. How dare the woman talk to him. When in reality, he has not shown her one inkling of a reason not to trust him. Deep down, she doesn't believe she is good enough for him and she believes he'll figure it out. Or, he isn't trustworthy at all. And she senses it but doesn't feel she deserves better than a guy who would behave that way. Either way, she is seething with jealousy. Because one way or the other, she doesn't believe in herself. And instead of pursing positive things in her life, like dating or taking a water color class, she is stalled. Dealing daily with what he might be up to. What his alternative motives may be, and what will she do if he comes clean. Her life hasn't moved in two years. And not because of her relationship. Because of her jealousy. Same with her job. She hasn't learned or changed in her job for five years because she is so concerned about other people and what they get and how come she isn't recognized and why this and why that. Instead of focusing on what she could do to better herself, she focuses on others. She is an annoying person to be around sometimes. Because it's so frustratingly obvious that if she just got over the crap, she could be a happy person. And deservedly so.

And I see similarities with improv and jealousy over other performers. And it is so stagnating. I know one dude who does nothing but complain about what others have and what others don't deserve and blah blah blah. When he could be focusing his energy on pursing what he wants. Instead of what others have. He was actually jealous of someone getting in a show that he wouldn't do if it were offered to him. What a bad place to be at.

Recently I've seen another dimension to jealousy. People who crave others to be jealous of them. It's also an insecurity thing, but this side of it is so weird and foreign to me. I've been way jealous. But to crave jealousy? I can't relate to that one. There are people that I swear studied the movie 'Mean Girls' for pointers. "Well that's an interesting hair cut." And they get a lot of the jealousy that they set out to achieve. But yuck. Why would you want people to feel so negative towards you, even if it is in an ego lifting sort of way. I'm put off by, but also very curious about people who need to surround themselves with negativity and drama. Especially well after they turn 16.

 

[Gator Girl]

Once again I was attacked by an evil snot monster. I missed a show! And it feels like I committed some heinous crime, because we only have three before september. I even stayed home from work all day hoping that if I just rested, I'd be up for it. But I wasn't. Man. Why couldn't this cold have waited a few more days? Garf. Murf. Plech.

On a positive front, I was able to handle a mini crisis at work via cell. Which was pretty satisfying.

And if I am able to breath a little better, I have my first meeting with the personal trainer. That sounds so hip of me to say. Yeah, I've got an appointment with my personal trainer. I can't wait til I can eat the pickles in my fridge! ('cause I can't open 'em.)

I keep assisting my friends by asking them the same question, "if you had unlimited funds and resources, and no financial worries and could be doing whatever you wanted, what would you be doing?" And I got a lot of really cool answers. Pursing dance. Buy a boat and learn how to sail. Designing mens bedding. And then I explained to them how they could be doing thosethings now. Maybe not to the same extent as in their daydreams, but enough to make their lives a little more fun and fulfilling. I don't ask myself that question often enough. But if I had no obligations and unlimited funds, I'd be doing improv. And I'd be taking voice lessons. And I'd be auditioning for plays. And I'd write more. And probably watch a lot of movies. Pretty much what I am doing now. Though I'd probably also learn a foreign language or two and travel. And that's good to know. Maybe I will do that.

 

[Gator Girl]

I have a lunch date with some woman who called me on my work phone. Which is a new number. And she said she got my information from a marketing firm. So I don't think it was my recruiter. And we are meeting for lunch. I don't even know what we are discussing. She asked if I was interested in a career change. I hope I didn't just sign up with a Madame. I'm happy at my job, but if I could be making more money, I'm game. Eh, I'll get a free sandwich. Even if she just wants me for my body.


Dear July 4th,
What meats will you be bringing me this year?
I hungrily await your reply.
p.s. That turkey and brie burger sounded scary last year,but was delicious. And I didn't know what a beer brat was, but that was good too.

 

[Gator Girl]

It was suggested to me that I should try my hand at children's theater. And you know what? I think that is a great idea! Most of the shows I've done and loved were musicals geared towards kids. I've been a clown, a cat, a fairy, a queen, a nerd. Wow, what a great suggestion. Once I get my headshots done, the first place I will submit them is to children's theaters!! It's very fitting. If you saw my bookcase, I have an extensive fairy tale collection as well as a lot of young adult fiction. I like adult books, but fairy tales are nice to read when I plop down on the couch after work. That, and Real Simple Magazine. "101 things to do with scotch tape"

This suggestion was from my headshot photographer. I guess I look innocent. Teehee.

 

[Gator Girl]

I'm taking a week vacation to write. Write write write. Write a write write write. I hope I have more to say than that.

 

[Gator Girl]

I'm feeling kinda flighty today.

I had the first rehearsal last night for an improv group I put together. Only two people besides myself were able to make it, but I had a blast and felt more comfortable just saying 'whatever' in a long time. I sometimes suffer from the chronic illness--being right. So it's nice when I get over that and just play.

The CTA added tons of benches at the Belmont/LSD bus stop. Like, 20. That's retarded. Instead of more buses, they get more benches for the crowds of people that are caused my not enough buses. They must have a separate budget for buses and benches.

I'm not thirsty. I'm trying to drink as much water as I am supposed to. For someone my size, that's about 7 cups. I never drink that much. And I can tell I'm probably dehydrated when the pillow lines on my face last til lunch time. Plus my lips are chapped and it's like 90% humidity outside. And supposedly it can cause headaches too, which I get a lot of. So I am sipping on water all day and peeing like crazy. I still haven't gotten myself up to more than five cups. Do other people have this problem, or am I just weirdo. I'm just not thirsty unless I'm eating popcorn or pizza. Maybe I need more salt in my diet so I will drink more water.

I've been exercising and dancing for two weeks now. And I've got muscles where I didn't have muscles before. Like above my knees. Who knew there were muscles there? And I have tiny triceps. I'm very excited by this. Pretty soon, grocery shopping won't be so exhausting. I've also been sleeping so much better since I've been exercising. Hooray for a good night sleep! Wow, I'll be benching my teammates in no time!

And I bring it all back to benches. Ah, so flighty today!

And speaking of flight, I'm going to check out Batman Begins tonight. I know, I'm totally behind on my movie watching. The bf has a bootleg DVD, but he's been saving himself for the movie theater experience. What will power.

 

[Gator Girl]

Okay, I spent the last week writing. Man, I really do love writing. This thing I'm doing now, I'm hoping to write three times the material needed so we will really have the cream of the crop. And Lutz was right in his writing class. It does get easier the more you do it. I still stare at blank paper at times, but a good way to get out of that is to just start writing. About anything. About how I don't have anything to write about. How my ink is running out and how I found another gray hair this morning. And eventually I have something that inspires me for a story or an essay or a sketch. I love that I have this secret stash of crappy writing that no one will ever get to see. I just wrote a sketch based on an inspiration I wrote a few years ago. I must have 20 little notebooks filled with inspiration. And I am still filling more even if I don't know what to do with all of it.

I also love dancing. Ballet has been fun. But now that the class is coming near an end in a few weeks, my adorable little pink slippers may just be replaced by sneaks. And I'll be trading in my insecurity evoking black leotard for a cut up tshirt. 'Cause this baby is going to learn hip hop. As I was jamming in my living room to the Black Eyed Peas, I realized that I'm no ballerina. I may be small, but I likes ta jam. What what? I don't know much about the world of hip hop music. And I'm not big into pimps and weed. But I like a good beat to shake my booty to. So if I can get up the nerve, I may head on down to the Hubbard Street Dance school and sign up to get down.

I had so much fun not being at work last week. I went for walks. I got ice cream. I stayed up late and even got to see the greenroom at SC. Which isn't green like one would suppose. I got to eat cheap lunch deals at neighborhood restaurants. And did I mention I wrote a lot? And bought a hamper. I'm such a grownup! Ahhh! Gray hair and a hamper? What's next, support hose?

I also had some freakouts last week. I had a different nurse than I usually have, and couldn't get my arm to stop bleeding after an IV was removed. I'm pretty brave now when it comes to medical stuff, but that seriously freaked me out. It wasn't all squirty or anything, just a steady dribble. But I'd be perfectly fine if I never have to see that much blood again. At one point I knew I had to change the bandaid but it took me an hour to talk myself into it. My stage fright has nothing on my blood fright. I was getting light headed, but not from the loss of blood. From the sight of it. Aw, poor baby. Wah wah.

I also got nervous when no one showed up for a rehearsal I had arranged. I hate second guessing myself. Like, maybe I'm not worth making time for. Or maybe I wasn't clear when I set it up. Or maybe I should just throw in the towel. But then I told someone else that they should be confident in themselves and if others didn't feel the same way, they could eat their dust. And that's how I'm going to start looking at it. You aren't going to work with me? Then enjoy my dust. Because I'm going to keep on trucking. I'm not into playing games. I'm just into working hard to get better at everything I try. And I'm not going to stop just because you don't think I'm good enough or cool enough. Slowly but surely, I'm going to get better. And you may not. So eat it, suckers. op:

 

[Gator Girl]

Tumble weed. Tumble weed. Tumble weed.

In the distance we hear a faint *yehaw!* and the explosion of gun powder.
The wind changes direction.

Tumble weed. Tumble weed. Tumble weed.

In the distance we hear a faint *my baby!*
The wind changes direction.

Tumble weed. Tumble weed. Tumble weed.

 

[Gator Girl]

**It's not personal. When someone doesn't respect you, it's not personal. They are in their own world. They forgot to pick up the phone. They were just really busy. Self involvement isn't personal. Right? But wait a minute. If you were really important, more than what you are, like if you were a rock star, they probably would have called. So there are levels of importance that do seem to break through the disrespect. But that's still for selfish reasons and in no way reflects upon your worth. Because maybe, just maybe, deep down, they think that they will get something from you, or maybe part of your rock star will rub off on them. So they skip doing laundry this week to meet up with you and have coffee. But if you aren't a rock star, then they may just cancel on you. And not tell you. Which may make you wish you were a rock star when you sip your coffee by yourself. But if you were, then maybe you wouldn't be able to tell who was selfish anymore. So what's worse? You just can't take any of it personal. **

What do I look for in a friend? Honesty. You can be smart/stupid/nice/mean/smelly/funny/humorless.
I don't care. I want you to be REAL.

Heheh I just thought of this jackass I know that I totally adore.

 

[Gator Girl]

*sigh*

I'm in a weird mood today. Part of me wants to jump up and down and dance to the Black Eyed Peas and another part of me wants to jump right out the window and gently float to the ground like a feather commiting suicide.

It's a tomato soup day. Woooka wooka whaT?