My Perspective

[Gator Girl]

I was in the IO cagematch on friday. Scarlett invited me to perform with them. I had a lot of fun. Didn't do my best, but then again, it's been several months since I was last on stage and I met the people I was performing with an hour before we went on. But we won! So in two months, I'll get to do a whole 'nother show! So bizarre. For a while there I was doing atleast three shows a week and three different venues. I was gaining courage over the audience, but my improv was lacking. Now my improv is becoming a powerhouse and my fear of the audience has returned. Ah well.

I keep saying that all I want in the whole world is an ensemble of people to perform and rehearse with that listen and build off of each other and have fun. Oooh, and are committed and respectful. In the land of improv, why is this an impossible task?

People are so afraid to stop performing with people they don't like for fear of disappearing. What they often forget, is it's not about how many people know your name or who starts dressing like you, but that it's enjoyable. And if it stops being enjoyable, then why do it? Then it becomes highschool all over again. Been there, done that. I got my freedom for a reason. So I could have fun. The whole popularity aspect of improv is hard to deal with sometimes. It makes me sad. Because I don't care about it, but everyone else does, which makes me care about it. I just want to play. I don't care if it's just in an alley somewhere. I love improv so much. And I just want to do it. I just need to find other people who have been lost in the mix of things and feel the same way I do.

 

[Gator Girl]

Pat Shay is gone. Christina Gausas is gone. Craig Cackowski, Bob Dassie, Jack McBrayer. Now Lisa Lewis and Liz Allen and Peter Gwinn and John Lutz are leaving. And several others may be leaving (but I am not allowed to say.)

And big duh that people leave.

But these are the teachers.

Annoyance still has some heavy hitters. The Sohns, the Sutton, the Bill, the Messing, and the Napier. Hopefully they will stick around. I think they will, they just built a new theater. Ah. I guess there are teachers. Loads of them. It's just weird that the first wave of teachers that I became familiar with are almost gone. Perhaps I was lucky to have them around as long as I have.

Peter Gwinn had some awesome things to share last night at his 'inside the improvisors studio'. I wish I could quote him directly, but unfortunately this is my interpretation of what I heard after getting very little sleep--and filtered through my own opinions, of course.

Improvisers dimish what they do for themselves. Not necesarily vocally, but how many of us consider what we do to be worth money? Hell, any given armando is better than the crap on cable, and how much money did I used to shell out for that? Perhaps one of the reasons we as a community aren't paid or even seen as legitmate theater is because we don't demand it. I ain't screaming union by any means(I might as well scream destroy us!), but perhaps headliners should get a cut of the door at various venues. If possible of course. When I first moved here I thought it was silly that the payment for armando was one free beer. That just seems belittling. There is a respect factor about getting paid. Even if it was $5 a performer for that level of show. They could decide to spend it on beer. But it's the meaning behind it. It validates it to be more than a hobby, and takes it out of the amatuer category. 'Cause anyone who doesn't get paid is an amatuer. So that means all of us who aren't working at a bar in downtown disney and pretending to be micky and goofy walking on the moon are amatuers.

What's the most important thing that can hurt a show?

Truth. Performers need to be more emotionally honest on stage.
There probably have always been the same percentages of people who play truthfully and wacky. It just seems like there is a tendency towards the wacky. It frustrates me when pretty much every theater says that truth is the way. And the teachers I've had said that emotional honesty takes this format of play and turns it into art. And yet, if you aren't the loudest person on stage, your truth is invisible. It's hard to be the child lost in a sanitarium. (Actually, that would be a fun scene!)

It's tough. Sometimes I worry that I will just be taking classes for the rest of my life. That the performance aspect of improv just isn't allowed for me. I know it's a phase. I just need to be patient. Well, be patient and aggressive. I am starting to really hate that word. Aggressive. I wonder if Del ever told his students to be aggressive. I always imagined he would have told his students to be better listeners instead.

 

[Gator Girl]

I stopped looking. I guess that's how it goes.

I had an interview last wednesday. One today, one tomorrow and two next wednesday!

I am beside myself about the one for tomorrow. I was told there would be some database, some layout and design, and tons of down time for reading, writing, whatevah! And the office closes absoultely at 5pm every day. No overtime. And it would be a significant pay increase. Think happy thoughts!!

 

[Gator Girl]

The interview went really well. I am cabbing it back today during lunch to discuss salary requirements. That means they are interested in hiring me, right? I have a feeling this could be good.

I had a show saturday night at the playground. It was to be another UF alumni show, but everyone had other obligations. I think some of them had a paying show at IO that they obviously couldn't pass up and some were in toronto, miami...basically it was very unfortunate timing. But we had me, one other alum, and a veteran playground performer joined us. And it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I was nervous when the show started, but then I just played. And because it was only three of us, our scenes were very patient. But playful. It was exactly how I like to play. And the audience seemed to enjoy the show as well. In fact, we lucked out to have Noah in the audience and he gave some very positive feedback. So basically I was buzzing all weekend on having a good show and possibly having a new job.

Life is so weird. It's like things all pile up at the same time. Or changes occur in clumps. If I get this job, it will time perfectly with my new apartment. It's like I am graduating to the next level of life. I did my four years at my current job and abode. Now it's time for the next level. And maybe the next level of improv. I had a couple of people ask me to play with them after my show saturday. Maybe things are looking up for me.

 

[Gator Girl]

The next step. I go back again on friday to this new job opportunity. This time to meet their head of HR that they are flying out from LA. Now, this can't be them bating me. There will be a job offer tomorrow. There has to be. Right? I've been there four times now, and had to pay for cabs both ways. Which will be totally worth it if they hand me a written job offer. They better. Or I'm telling. Nyah.

So yesterday I got a phone call from my HR. "We'd finally like to offer you the opportunity to switch to another department, after you've been bugging us for two years and turned you down to move into creative." My response. "yeah, no thanks." Their reply, "Granted you would have to interview for this position, and we cannot guarantee you the same pay, since that is determined by accounts and not by the company anymore." "Yeah, no thanks. I'm not interested." "But you've been begging, achem, I mean, you've requested a move. Why have you changed your mind. They are still being mean to you, right? Achem. I mean, you still are unhappy with your environment and workload." "yeah. I've found another opportunity." "Oh. Within the agency?" "No. Outside the agency. I probably will be leaving in a few weeks." "Wha, oh. Um, would us offering this position to you possibly change your mind? I mean, if we gave it to you, would you stay." "No." "Well, why. What would be your determining factor for leaving?" I thought a few seconds. I could have said something really mean here. "The determining factor would be the huge increase in salary." "Oh. Well, I will get the ball rolling in this interview for you. Just in case you change your mind." "I'd hate to get their hopes up about thinking they will have this great new admin so easily, and then I leave the company." "Well, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. I'm so glad you'll be interviewing. They've been frustrated with the temps we've been giving them. And they personally requested you." "Oh, they did? Well, I'm probably still leaving." "Okay, I'll set something up for early next week, then."

Corporate american is SOOO like a dilbert cartoon. And totally the opposite of improv. They have awful listening skills. And zero sincerity.

I can't believe I blurted out I was leaving even before I got an offer. Oh well. The dice have been cast.

 

[Gator Girl]

They didn't like my little power play. So they turned it around on me, to regain their status of high bitch priestesses.

As of Sept 7, I will no longer be working for the John Deere account. The will be replacing me with someone else who they said was ecstatic(but who told me she will quit if they put her at my seat). Then they said that I can interview for the one open position in the agency and if I refuse, I will no longer be employed here. And if I interview and they want someone else, I will no longer be employed here. So basically, they are threatening to fire me before I quit. Which is a friggin dumbass move. Soo dumbass. Why? Okay, yes, it gives them the power in the relationship. Because it's their call, not mine. BUT, it means they'd be required to pay me 3 1/2 months full salary severence. Dumbasses. When I was leaving anyway. Well, probably. I find out tomorrow. Friggin dumbasses. I hate these people.

 

[Gator Girl]

Last night on the simpsons:

"It's time someone wrote John Deere a Dear John letter."

Even the simpsons want me to quit.

Still waiting on that written job offer. Hopefully by the end of the day, or first thing monday. I can't wait! I'm so excited I could pee myself.

 

[Gator Girl]

Day four and waiting. Unless you count the weekend. Which brings my anticipation tally to six days. Apparently this new place has an alternative candidate and they are debating with their HR over who to hire. The company is rooting for me. The HR is stalling. Their only concern is that I haven't worked in a financial institute before. My argument would be, I could read a dictionary and learn all the terminology, but someone with lesser skills can't learn them that easily. So what if I don't know what a small cap investment is. I can learn. I challenge a financial assistant to learn graphic design and IT skills in a few days. Anywho, I am quaking in my boots. Because right now, I am in limbo land. I don't really have a job even though I am still at my old office. I've had no work to do since last thursday, my guess is that it is mostly a guilt issue. The people who got rid of me are too guilty to give me assignments. They are choosing to ignore me until the day I leave. It's not a problem if you don't see it. So even though I am here in person, I'm not really here anymore. I don't know why I still feel guilty about playing online video games. When there is nothing for me to do but stare at the wall. Eh.

I started level 5 at IO last night. I had to take a mini improv hiatis due to health reasons. So I only had two annoyance classes and had to drop out. But I will sign up for the next session. I always get so nervous on my walk to a class. I even debate in my head whether or not I should go. I always go. And I always have so much fun. This is pretty much the same group of people I worked with in level 3. They are so awesome and nice. Perhaps I will stick around and do 5B with them. It all depends on outside forces.

 

[Gator Girl]

You gotta fucking be kidding me.

My recruiter was walking by the place I interviewed this morning, and saw someone new sitting there. The company hired someone else. And didn't notify the recruiter or me. My recruiter walked in the door and asked them why they weren't notified, and they were yelled at. Well, that's the universe looking out for me. If they were snippy with someone they HIRED to find them the perfect employee, they can't be that great to work for. But damn!
So that's bad news.

Good news. I officially work for Coors next week. No more John Deere!!!! No more assholes. The Coors team are so unbelievably nice. And they get free beer. It's a good temporary place to be while I continue this beyond exhausting and expensive job hunt. Damn.

Oh, and my recruiters are on a mission to get me a great job. They were so upset about what this company did, especially since they had offered me the position verbally. That, and told them yesterday at 4:30pm that they were still in deliberation. Liars. I don't want to work for liars. I want to work for nice people. And there have to be some out there somewhere. Eh, who knows, maybe this Coors group will be so great I will want to stay. Even though this company makes me want to vomit.

 

[Gator Girl]

Today I am in the lion's den.

I am still at my old desk. And the other two admins on the floor are out sick. But I have been instructed that I do not do any work for them. And that no temp has been requested. So since I walked in they have been asking me to do things and I have said no. And they have gotten angry. But I don't work for them anymore. It is so strange. Can you imagine being hired for a new job, you currently are working on that new job, but you still sit in your old office. That's my sitch.

Eeeeh *uncomfortably grabbing collar*

Even though it's uncomfortable, I laugh hysterically inside whenever I say no.

 

[Gator Girl]

Sometimes I wonder what has become of old highschool friends. And I google them. And sometimes their pages connect to other friends I had long forgotten about. And sometimes those friends write novel long fanfiction for smallville and everwood. And then I feel kind of dirty for discovering this secret.

An old friend of mine is a scene designer in NY. Another is a sound designer for the movies in LA. Another just finished up his post Phd work at Oxford. Another is a professor of math at Carnegie Melon. Another still lives at home and works at a place called kool beanz serving coffee to college students. Another found out he was adopted and became hardcore baptist. And another is a convicted child molester. And I live in Chicago and do improv and work for a beer company. Out of all of these outcomes, I'd say mine was the least predictable. Well, besides that child molestation thing. I never would have guessed that.

 

[Gator Girl]

CTA! Why you gotta do me like that?

It's always a good start to the day when you find yourself in a human pileup.
I have a big bruise on my leg and arm. My bus driver thought it was wise to tailgate someone on lakeshore drive, and then when traffic slowed, slam on the brakes with a fully loaded bus. People went flying everywhere. I was really lucky, I had a seat this morning. But I still had three people on top of me and I got slammed into the pole I was sitting next to. And this is the third pile up I've been apart of this year. So I emailed the CTA. Might not do any good, but atleast I can complain knowing that I said something.

Owie.

 

[Gator Girl]

AAAhhhh! I'm so excited. This weekend I had an audition. Well, two actually. And I haven't been so excited at the prospect of getting cast as I did this weekend. I auditioned for the Incubator program at the Playground. And was psyched that I may get the chance to work with Joe Bill as a director in a team setting. And then I almost peed myself with excitement over auditioning for the Cupid Players. I saw their show a few weeks ago and it was really great, and exactly what I have been wanting to do but unable to explain. It's like musical theater meets improv/comedy. Even though it wasn't improvised, I believe part of the creative process utilizes improvisation. I was beside myself at the audition. And they are only casting one lady. And just in my small group, the talent was incredible. So keep your fingers crossed for me. I had a good audition, and at the very least I will survive on that high for a few days even if I don't get cast in either endeavor. Ahh! Totally psyched.

 

[Gator Girl]

Sometimes things just burn me up inside and I don't know if it's appropriate to share them in a public forum. But lately there have been people talking to me like I'm the nerd in math class. The nerd in a room full of nerds. And it makes my blood boil. I'm not going to name names, especially because these are people I like. But damnit. Someone doing improv about two weeks longer than me, telling me what an honor it would be to run lights for their sketch show. Yeah!! It would be my HONOR to hang out with people who don't consider me a peer, an HONOR to run lights for people who don't think enough of me to ask me to join them on stage. Who have fear in their eyes when they think I might. An absolute HONOR. Sometimes I wish I had the guts to say fuck you right to someone's face. But I can't. Especially if it is someone I like. Even if they deserve a wake up call and a fuck you from me. I just can't do it. Maybe I need to. Maybe that's what it takes. One of my 'peers' had the nerve to say they don't feel they should be coached by Joe Bill. They are at the point where they should be playing with him. To that again, I say, fuck you. Okay, I can't say it to this person's face. I'm a big wuss. And I mean it in the sense of, get over yourself. Come back to me in ten years and then tell me who you no longer need to be taught by. Jeez. Three years on a Harold team doesn't mean you've learned everything the universe has to offer you. Well, maybe that's their next lesson. My lesson is, can I stand up for myself. And theirs is, what will they do if they find out they aren't as good as they thought they were.

 

[Gator Girl]

Okay, I was pretty harsh yesterday.

It's weird. There are so many things put out there to test me lately. To tell me to just stop. And I am going against all of them, and it's causing some internal emotional backlash. I've been on a lot of auditions since January. And not been cast in anything. I've been told by peers that they don't consider me part of the community. (I have no idea why anyone would say such a thing. People just don't think sometimes.) I congratulated someone on a show the other night, and they said it was no biggie, every improviser in the building had been asked to play. Ouch. I guess I'm not an improviser, huh? And then I've been battling my own doubts and dealing with health issues. Wondering how long I can sustain being a part of this world, not knowing the next time I will be put out of commission. Could be 5 years from now. Could be tomorrow. And the community didn't exactly wrap their arms around me and protect me when I was going through it all. It felt more like being spit out. And I know that's silly. The community doesn't have a personality. It's all in how I percieved it. It's hard, because people are complaining about the 10 commitments they have. And I just want to tell them how often I cry knowing I don't have one person who wants to make time to share the stage with me. So yeah, I didn't get cast on the incubator team. But you know what? I just can't give up. All I want to do is play. And I'm in an awesome level 5 class at IO. So I will just do 5B with them. It seems to be what the universe wants me to do. Of course I should be performing with them. They are so nice and so much fun. Of course.

Some days are just harder than others.

 

[Gator Girl]

The difference between my new account and the last one:

Last account--I would find their half eaten food left in my chair for me to throw away for them.

This account--They walk by and high-five me. Just because.

 

[Gator Girl]

I can't seem to give away some really nice furniture. For free. Really nice. A comparable new set would probably cost someone 1500-2000 bucks. But no one will take it away for free. Sure, if I had some ikea crap, there'd be a line out my door. Maybe they wonder if there is a catch. I don't know. But it saddens me, because I really love this furniture. I just don't have anywhere to put it in my new apartment. If you are from chicago and want it--solid pine--pm me. It is SOOO nice!!!

 

[Gator Girl]

Oh thank goodness. My furniture is finding a good home. Plus I can visit it when I get lonely.

I am beside myself about moving. I've probably donated half my wardrobe and most of my cassette tapes to charity. I can't believe no one wanted to purchase my ace of base or my toad the wet sprocket for resale. Even though it is so strange to hand away a bag of my clothes to be sold, there is something so satisfying about it. I'm hoping it is satisfying because of the charity aspect and not because I am excited about buying new clothes.

On a sad note...one of my teeth is cracked down the middle. Okay, not sad for you, sad for me. I get to get a gold tooth. Bling bling for the mizouth. I blame my unexplainable fondness for movie theater popcorn. Oh wait, I blame carrots. Carrots and broccoli. Shame on you, vegetables.

 

[Gator Girl]

All my medical crap has messed up my vacation days. As in, I don't have any more for the rest of the year. But I still have to have my infusions and I have to have my cracked tooth fixed and I have to move my apartment. I'm hoping HR takes pity on me and doesn't dock me 4-5 days pay. That would suck. That's what savings are for, but it still would suck. No more more taking days off for fun. That's what got me in this mess. I took vacation days to take an actual vacation. And now may be paying the consequences. The universe is telling me I don't get vacations. Ah, to be normal. They sounded concerned, so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Class was so much fun last night! An old pal from UF sat in. I hadn't done improv with her in years. Though I don't think we had a scene together, it still felt like we were doing improv together. I went blue. And that was awesome. I almost peed myself when..well you had to be there.

 

[Gator Girl]

Well, I signed up for 5B at IO. I'm totally psyched. I went to the 5B shows last night. The energy in the air was tangible. Everyone was so excited to be there and to be on stage with their classmates, showing off to their friends and families what they had accomplished over the last year. Okay, yeah, a few people weren't emitting that energy, but I will wear my rose colored glasses.

Completely unrelated, I saw a Mammal '79 show and a Baby Wants Candy and had so much fun!! Makes me wish I could go back in time and relive some of the fun I have missed out on. It's not the singing that interests me so much as the extreme commitment. And nothing is dropped. Every last 'mistake' is enveloped with love and fun. And it makes for a very entertaining evening. Plus they are so silly!

Improv is such a rollercoaster. Today it makes me very excited to be a part of it. I get so wrapped up in 'what I deserve' I forget how lucky I am that I am able to do it at all. That something that is so fulfilling is part of my life. And so many people don't have an 'improv' of their own.

I start Annoyance 3 again this week. It was a hard decision to drop out, I am of the 'complete what I start' mindset. Well, I suppose I am still completing. Just a few months later. And now it's only one bus home instead of two, now that I've moved. So that will be nice.

My new apartment rocks. I've been cooking like crazy. I heart my new dishwasher. It's retarded that dishes were keeping me from eating cheap and healthy.

I've been watching the election coverage like crazy, I even taped the VP debates when I had class. This election terrifies me. And not just because G.W. might win. Yeah, I don't want that to happen. But that's not what scares me. What scares me is that America would make that choice. That they could be so easily persuaded to do something that is not in their best interest. Okay, I realize some moral issues are on the table. And I'm not talking about the people who vote along those lines, as narrow as they may be. It's the people who heard this 'thing' on a commercial and decided. It's the people who are living in horrendous conditions due to decisions made by the pres, but are convinced by media bites that he is a better choice than a flipflopper. And that people sooo don't understand politics that merely calling someone a flipflopper would make it true. I'm sure both candidates are lying. But seriously people. Prove me wrong. Don't vote ignorantly. At the very least, elect senor doofus after putting some thought to it. Oh, and please don't buy catwoman on DVD. Not for me. Do it for America. Prove we aren't spoiled idiots.