My Life On Earth

He's here

Change happens, whether you want it or not. But God, how I hate it. Nothing is ever how you think it's going to be. Four days with Ben. Three days left. I somehow thought it would be exactly as it was before. But two years is a long time. I still love him. Just as much as I ever did. can I say this? He treats me like his fucking sister. He loves me. He loves my company. But...he's far away from the way it was.

My heart hurts.

I won't cry. I won't cry.

Yes, I will.
So many thoughts. Words, weaving throughout the day, only to unravel in the night. Waking me. If only my typing were as fast as the words. Then again, maybe not. If that were so, I'd fill volumes.

Last entry I wrote about Ben's (real name Joe) visit. Don't know why I started out calling him Ben. Like 'Joe' isn't an anonymous enough name. Oh, the things we do when drunk. :rolleyes: I wrote how Joe treated me as his sister. The very night I wrote that, it changed. But then, nothing has changed. Our relationship cannot be defined into any one category. I'm not really sure what we are. Best friends, yes. Lovers, sometimes. Commitment, no. I want commitment. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He fills my heart with joy and love and when we're together I am so very, very happy. After all these years, I still want only him. But there are so many obstacles.

Our problems are insurmountable.

We talk every night. We seem to have found a place of ... contentment. Most of the time our conversations are sweet and loving. Not like the nights when I drank. We would argue the night away. Next morning we wouldn't even remember what it was we were arguing about. Such a waste of time and energy.

What am I to do about my life?
life and such

I miss...

Liquor. Oh God, how I miss it. And it's magical ability which allowed me to believe.

Youth. All of the things I should have done.

Sex. Raw, hot, pulsating, sweating....complete abandonment

Love. Eyes locking, hearts racing. Electric shocks from just a touch.

Life. Blue skies, burning leaves, gardens, geese in formation, waves crashing ...

And home.
Found my way back here, but completely confused. I can't go more than two pages back. What does this mean? Help please.....

btw - I've remained sober. It feels like forever. Sobriety makes me so tired. So boring.

As a result, I've lost love. Funny, but I was more loved when I was animated, flexible, creative, spontaneous ... Drunk.

MQ, if you're still out there, talk to me. I miss you.
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no title

I can never think of a Title. By the time I do I'm too exhausted to write anything else. So no damn title this time. I'm just not up to it.

Been working for a well known computer company. I help people build their computers. I am amazed at the stupidity of some people. Don't get me wrong, it's cool if you don't know much about computers. That's why I'm there. I'm talking about people who are fighting with their spouse while trying to talk to me on the phone. Nasty name calling, the whole bit. Then you have the guy who is this super tech brain alien from some far off universe, calling in just to test your knowledge. Okay smartass ... off to lost queue with you.

But I really do love my job. And most of the people. I've even become email buddies with a few of them.

I still want to get drunk every single damn day. Nothing has changed in my life, maybe worse now. Which is why I want to get drunk every single damn day of my life. Big empty hollow space inside of me which booze used to fill. Now it just stays empty.
I'm Still Standing!

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah!

Still sober, 40 pounds lighter (WooHoo) and finally ... finally ... finding some peace. Been a long haul.

Do I still want liquor? You bet your ass I do. Will I drink? I don't know. I hope not. I only know how to live this moment ... right here and right now.

Life is good.