My "i dont fucking care" attitude

[Majin]

yep, so im starting a thread on a forum i dont really know about... - just because i feel i should do, the very second i wrote these words.

My grammar, is far from excellent, so is my spelling (im a bit drunk atm anyway) - english is not my native language - that isnt an excuse - just so you know i wont care about spelling flames...

Maybe somebody is remotely interested in the way i see things at all or why i am, the way i am (BS sentence i guess)..

Lets just start out with today, precisly - very early in the morning before i had gone sleeping - i was out with a very nice girl (just platonically, i think she will be a good friend to me - but nothing more - i only know her for one week - im not interested in anything more - although she is very adorable, looks pretty hot and has a very nice character...).

So im sitting at 2.30 in the morning (2.30 a.m. for all you 24 hour haters) at this girls home, watching the last photos of her holidays and decide to move my ass home to get some sleep...little did i know that i would arrive VERY late...

So its raining hard and the wind blows coldly in my face - im arriving at the nearest bus stop and waiting for my trip to my bed.
The bus comes a few minutes later, im beginning to think wheather if i should just sit and wait till i arrive at the last holding position or step out and wait a few minutes to get another bus which gets me faster @home.... im staying - because im lazy, not tired but lazy and like to watch the streets at night while moving in the bus. So after half an hour, the bus finally arrives - at the urban railway - im hungry - my last meal was 7 hours ago so i take a quick trip to McDonalds ( i dont like their food, i think its not healthy..but im fucking hungry so i dont care anyway..)

10 minutes later, im going to the urban railway - only to see that this fucking station is closed tonight - because of some reparations i was not aware about... so i move my ass out and wait for the next bus, to move me closer to home (NOTE : i said closer @home...not @home at all....)

Its already after 3.15 o`clock (hello my friends - the clock has 24 hours - thats not new-fashioned - its just a fact !), im starting to feel tired and drinking my coffee, waiting for a bus...it arrives and im feeling better - because its not so cold anymore... so im driving again for 20 minutes....not much happends, its storming outside and im happy that im safe for now...the bus stops and i have to get outside, thinking that im now able to move with the urban railway...little did i know again...(FYI : Im living in the capital of one of the most richest countries in the world - no its not in the USA !!!!)...the next railway will arrive at 4.20 am...FUCK thats 40 minutes to go..i want to sleep, i have class today (im going to the university[college] sometimes...)...so im walking outside again, looking for a bus or tram which will take me closer home - after 15 minutes of searching i admit that im lost - i have a fucking driver license but i always thought i dont need a car (sometimes, i borrow one from my dad although)...tonight i knew - if you want to MOVE anyway @ night - you need a fucking CAR - i pay ~ 50 bucks a month to move with the railway - and it doesnt drive @night - WTF ????

So i say, FUCK - its only 20 minutes to wait for the next railway...thats not much but i want to be @home NOW - not waste 20 minutes of my life sitting in the cold, dark night...

So im calling in a taxi to leave this hell and move me to my little bed, luckily - you can always count that every minute on every street in my town will be a taxi...the driver doesnt know shit so i have to give directions...i didnt care for the price i had to pay (im not a$$ rich, but i have enough to keep things smooth - i dont consider myself well payed - but when i see what my friends get payed - or even my parents - i should feel lucky - which i feel not).. so i arrive 4:15 a.m. @home - paying ~ 20 $ for the little trip and finally sink into my sweet bed.....im happy - i close my eyes while listening to some calm music and begin to sleep...

 

[Majin]

yikes, only 3 hours later i woke up and realize i have to GET THE FUCK UP NOW or i will be to late in class - i realize again it took me 2 fucking hours to move from spot a to spot b, which would only take 30 minutes with a car and begin to think - screw the class this time - i just want to sleep (normally, im very serious about my class, 90% of the time i KNOW i wont learn something new but i cant just stand the fact that i miss something i should really know...) - so i do....3 hours later i get up i begin to think...okay get the fuck up and attend at least the last few courses today...so i did.

It was boring @class today, except math, i screwed the first hour math because i needed sleep - math is fun - hard - but fun because at least i can use my brain sometimes and not feeling bored by all this useless shit i already know or already have heard about...the next 2 hours are just boring - i hear about things i knew already 10 years ago when i was a kid (im studying applied computer science BTW - and NO im not a fucking N.E.R.D. i have a life - thank you - not that i would care anyway if you would have thought otherwhise) - i make fun of the teachers - i ask questions which are really on a high level, pretending im stupid and just want to know - the few other people in my class who are on a similar level (similar - not EQUAL level) laugh - because they fucking know that I know this shit already...and mostly teachers are happy that somebody ASK something - because they only talk for hours....im dissapointed if a teacher do not know the answer for my questions - because those are answers everyone should know who did study in applied computer science...(no im not the greatest or anything at all, even tho other believe i AM - i know better - thats not the point - so screw this)

There is sweet girl today in class, i see her very rarly (this is the 3rd time) - i tell the others in my round - that i think she is really sweet - they dont agree with me, i dont care - as long as i THINK that way. So i tell them "well, okay today she looks not as good she always did...maybe she is jazzed today - they start laughing...somebody says - "maybe she only looks good in the summer times" - i agree "yeah, maybe this could only be a seasonal relationship during holidays - you know get this girl for summer - but when it turns spring tell her - "hey honey, you know its getting colder - so please hold on for a year" - meanwhile i get somebody who looks sweet during winter..." - stupid ? yes ? no ? i dunno - but i wont care - it was fun at this very moment..

Class is over - its time to move home - but i want to talk to this sweet girl - im asking her why she is only very rarly in class - she tells me that she already studied 3 years in her home country (she is a foreigner - i didnt knew before)....i still think she looks sweet, but i dont think it would work out good if i try to learn more about her....im not a nazi or anything but i have some very BAD experiences with girls who are not originally from my own country - i try to spare these pains this time....nationality isnt always the big deal - but religion is - dont get me wrong - i respect every religion - not matter what it is about - no matter how weird it seems to me - i respect it - but as soon as religion tries to touch or to change my life im going on a rampage....im agnostic - shame on me ? no...im proud of it in some spooky way...

Ok, so i move home - doing some shopping and cook some easy meal (yes im surprised by myself - i actually COOK for me...no not microwave - cooking @reality !! i do this once in a decade i guess...) .. at the moment, i dryed the last piece of wine i had in the bottle (no im not french, thank you - but i like to get drunk a bit from wine...im not ghey too if you thought so...even if you did - i wouldnt care - i mostly (always?) dont care what other people think about me - yes ok i DO care what my beloved ones think about me - but i really dont care what others think - my way or .....)

I think im going to rest now, tomorrow is no class but just work - i skip the class because we have only low level (when i say that i really MEAN it) english course...it makes me sad to attend a university and get taught english which every 8th grader could do...hello i want (yes, really i WANT) to learn something new and not to repeat things over and over again...thank you...

bye for today (not that i cared...)

 

[Majin]

hail to the king baby ! , this morning rules - i checked my bank account and i finally got my income for the last two months..its a bit difficult were i work, sometimes they can pay - mostly they cant...so you have to stay dry for 2 or 3 month - not that easy if you do not care much about money at all - but those fuckers who want their bills payed DO ...

I guess im going to work now, later on i have to go back to class just for one course - after that - dunno maybe im going to get drunk again haha...seriously...not again

 

[Majin]

yesterday , was a calm day - i only worked for 2 hours and just one hour in class...for the rest of the day i moved around shopping in the city...i didnt bought anything...yet ! I think im going to buy a nice MD Player from Sony, they are not cheap - but hey - sometimes you shouldnt care about the next week - just do it if you feel lucky and good at this moment. While i was sitting in this bar, i thought about getting out of my surroundings for a while - the plan is set - over the weekend im moving out to another city - to a good female friend of mine....she is living in some kind of village with only 3000 people - everyone knows everbody you would guess - sounds fun eh, gonna see how it works out....

Later, that girl i already wrote about called me - asked me if i have time for dinner tomorrow (today now) - sure i have, this is getting to a point were im affraid she maybe wants more from me - but i dont....as i said she is very cute and lovly but she not the right person for me - i know that - and more important than that - my last relationship is only 2 weeks ago - and i still love that girl - and she loves me....sad isnt it ? We had to break apart because of her family - you know my point about religion already - her family wanted to turn me in somebody else who i didnt want to be....i just wanted her - but i didnt want to lose my personality either...

Ok, time to go - im going shopping - maybe going to work later on if i feel that way...

 

[Majin]

im extremly pissed off, this "good female friend of mine" - is the best friend of my last girlfriend - first she said to me "yeah, i would be happy to see you again, you can come anytime"...now she is telling me it would be not a good idea to come around because of my ex gf - HELLO ? I dont want to fuck around with her, i just want to get out of my city for a while - i need to get out badly - i didnt make any holidays for over 4 years...

But that wasnt the point which pissed me off, i told her that im too, feeling very bad at the moment - that i still think very often about my ex girlfriend - that it hurts me alot....and what did she do ? She told my ex about it, wtf - i know my ex is feeling the same way now as i do but there was no reason in telling her it... i wont trust this bitch again - i deleted her phone number... my ex gf called me and said i shouldnt be angry at her best friend - she said, she only told her because she way crying and was feeling very bad....hello ? since when do you feel anyway better when you hear that the one you love is feeling like shit too ? I WOULDNT!

Enough of ranting, the evening yesterday was very nice - we were eating in a nice mexican/brazil bar - the food was good and the music too...we talked alot and i felt good....till the moment that my ex had to wrote me : ""Even tho, we cannot meet again - we may meet again in our dreams, maybe one day - that will change..maybe - I Love You".

This was like a nail to my coffin - why did she had to say the obvious which is obvious to us - i know she loves me, so do i but there is just no way - it hurted me alot to see that "I love you"...i fighted hard against the tears...i felt so...dead...

I know i have to move on in life, trying not to think about those things - my first move now - i never call her best girl friend again - i dont fucking care about her anymore - she misused my trust.

 

[Majin]

Today , was actually very boring - i didnt do much @work..i left early and moved to a student consultancy, hoping that i may get some support from our country money wise....well they said i earn far to much money to even think about getting support - they asked me twice if im really a student - i said yes - i just have a high income per hour....they were really shocked, dunno was kind of amusing for me...

After that, i moved to a bar - drank a few cups of coffee and were reading a magazine (and of course listing to music with my brand new Sony MD muhahah )....it was getting late, i felt very bad through the whole day - emotion sickness - i would call it - i know nobody can help me - they all try hard - but they cant - i dont even know why i feel often like dead - i ask this myself everytime - i cant find any answer....the day i know the answer - maybe that day i have a chance to have not those hard feelings again...

I said that my ex girlfriend wrote me those lines yesterday, which hit me very very hard deep inside... i was so fucking down like there was no tomorrow - i wrote her back some lyrics , mostly i feel exactly like this way....but im still strong enough to not consider it...just feeling like this :


I dream about how its gonna end,
approaching me quickly,
leaving a life of fear,
I only want my mind to be clear.

People making fun of me,
for no reason but jealousy,
i fantazise about my death,
i kill myself from holding my breath.

My suicidal dream,
voices telling me what to do,
my suicidal dream,
Im sure you will get yours too.

Help me, comfort me,
stop me from feeling what Im feeling now.
The rope is here now i find a use,
I kill myself i put my head in the nose.


She was very frightened, that wasnt my intention - she asked if she said something wrong - i wrote her, she just had made the obvious, even more obvious...

We both love each other, thats the obvious, but there is simply no way for us...ever....just no way.... and saying "I love you" is making this situation even more obvious to us again....

To something completely different : since im not able to get out of my city this weekend, ive choosen to just take a short trip with our highspeed railway...just for a few hours - ive choosen a nice route with mountains and water, they said most passangers have to puke during the ride...well i guessed that could be fun

Okay, lets get drunk - im bored @home....tomorrow is class only 2 hours, piece a cake.....i dont fucking care - its to easy anyway - but its fun to hang around with my new buddies in class...we always find something to laugh about...

 

[Majin]

That day , before today - also known as yesterday was quiet earie...my ex gf wrote me a letter, she wrote that she was very scared about the things i wrote her and she wasnt aware that saying "I love you" could take me even more down....she wrote its hurting her alot, seeing me suffering and unable to help - she said i should never write such things again - it scared the hell out of her...

That wasnt my intention, im really sorry for doing so - i didnt think about it while i was writing her - (i was drunk too, but thats no excuse)....sigh...she also wrote me that she still has hope, for us, for a second chance - not this time - but next year or in two years when she can finally move out of her fathers house....she said thats the only thing that keeps her going, to think that there is still a way, someday, sometime....

I try not to delude myself, but i too, have still a little hope...that keeps me going too - but im not thinking about it much - im trying to focus on my life and trying not to think about "if" and "then" ...


Now, im ready to move to the rail station - my railway will arrive in one hour - im happy to move out for a while - i think this will be quiet good for me...

 

[Majin]

Sigh, i was lazy and didnt update much - my short trip was very nice - i really liked the ride through the villages and mountains and hills...it felt good - and it felt good to get home again....

At the last weekend i was pretty busy, was at a party till 4 a.m. - before i got there i was having a drink with a few good friends...i was really tired - and no rest for me on sunday - a movie night with a good female friend of mine...till 1 a.m. i think - sigh and just on monday i made a nice evening with a girl who goes in the same class as i do - we talked alot - watched a movie at her home...

Days ago we already talked alot while class, i helped her carrying the bags from shopping and bring everything to her home - she was quiet nice but i thought she isnt the kind of girl for me - but for my friend i thought - i know his tastes - i asked her if it was okay if i show her my friend at this weekend - when we all go together to a party...she said yes... i told my friend about it he was quiet happy - because this would be the second girl in a month he would met through me...heh - he is able to get a girl alone he doesnt need me - but hey im just trying to put things together which could possibil fit good...

I dunno, i didnt know her much at this moment, but at Monday - as we talked - and laughed alot i thought different - i like her character - she is not only able to bare with my humor - she has a lot of sense of humor her self which mades me laugh too... so i asked if i could return the favor and if she would like to watch a movie at my home...she agreed and we had a nice evening yesterday - first i cook for her and we both eated together... than we watched the movie while laughing alot and making fun and games... we lay close together as we watched the movie - i embraced her all the time...and so did she - it felt very good - i was feeling alot better than all those weeks before - for a while i forgot my pains and sufferings....late at night - i bought her back to her home - she would have stayed but her cat needed food and was all alone that day - i understood that and so we arrived at her place.....we talked a bit - i was very tired...than i kissed her and moved back @home....i felt good...

I think different about her now...i like her...well, i like her very much i guess, its not about the looks... she looks very good - i knewed that from day one - but she was simply not my taste but more for my friend because we have different tastes.... but now that i know her better - know her character - know how she can make me smile - seeing - that she always laughs about my jokes - makes me feel pretty damn good....i already told my friend that it will be a big NO for him on this weekend when he will met her because i like her very much and want to see how things are going...she wrote me today that im very sweet..so is she...i see her at friday again...i await that day eagerly...i await her...eagerly...