Musings of a Cynical Optimist

[MoonGoddess]

Mind Fucks

So, today I'm out on the smokers patio and I overhear these two women talking.
Yes, I was eavesdropping.
We all do it.
Don't bust my onions over it.

Anyhoo... Pixie lady ('cuz she looks like a little sprite) and PB (Peg Bundy) are talking/gossiping about Pixie's personal life. Both women look to be in their mid-40s.

PB: I don't know why you stay with him.
Pixie: I don't either!!
PB: I mean, he KISSED another woman!!!!
Pixie: I know. But it was my fault.
PB: Don't ever say it's YOUR fault that your lover can't be faithful.
Pixie: No, it really IS my fault. He was getting me back.
PB: (Incredulously) For WHAT??
Pixie: On Friday, I made him hold my purse so I could give a guy my phone number.
PB: (Quietly.) Oh.

So, I'm standing behind the table where they sit and I'm thinking to myself, "Holy fuck! You mean people play those games at fuckin' 40-SOMETHING YEARS OLD???"

How can this be??

I always operated under the belief that if you worked hard enough, the relationship games would start falling away one-by-one when you hit your twenties. And certainly, if there were any mindfucks still left in your repertoire by 30, the magic-relationship-fairy would wave her wand to rid you of the rest.

Now mind you, my mother is in her 40s, so these women obviously fit in a very particular niche of my imagination. But to be giving out phone numbers in front of your lover to make him jealous and then to get her back by kissing another woman...

That means that there are TWO people in the world like this. And if these two found each other, then by the natural law of statistics, there must be more of them.

Hundreds of 40-something-year-old mind-fuckers.

I shudder at the thought.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Continued...

So, since I didn't have the greatest amount of time to go into my feelings last night, I figured I'd take this time to continue the previous commentary.

So... mind games in relationships when you're old enough to seriously know better. And not just because I expect people to have developed some common sense by 40 years of age, but because I expect them to have gone through at least a couple of relationships in their life.

I mean, isn't that how the rest of us normal people do it? We have a couple relationships, probably starting in our teens, they fail, we analyze why they failed, we blame ourselves and the other person for the ways in which we failed respectively, we LEARN, we move on, and we try again; taking into consideration the issues that made our previous relationships fail so miserably. Right?

So, how does this older woman work??

And how did she manage to get through life without shaking these high school games of 'hold my purse while I give this guy my phone number'????

I guess this is just another peek at my naivete. I really do believe that you learn lessons and evolve throughout your life. I believe that there are certain life lessons that you must learn before you can reach the next level of enlightenment.

But then again... that's just me.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Marriage.

The 'm' word.
Taking the plunge.
Saying the vows.
Tying the knot.
Joining in matrimony.
:love:
It has been on my mind A LOT lately, but I'm not sure why. TK and I have been engaged for a little over a year. He bought me a beautiful (strike that... it's fucking AMAZING!!!) ring and popped the question (completely out of the blue) last May.

We had originally set a date, but it was so soon and I didn't have the time or energy (or money) to put together a wedding. So, we've kept pushing the date back more and more until we got to the point where we are now. No date set, no solid plans to set a date, etc.

And no idea if we want a wedding, an elopement, a handfasting, or whatever else there is out there...

Now, the confusing part is that I don't know how I feel about this. Normally, I'd be chomping at the bit and jumping at the altar with both feet. However, I'm perfectly comfortable with not being married to TK. The only time I start to think that marriage is totally necessary is when TK and I are having one of our fights. Not a spat or an argument, mind you... I mean an all-out brawl. (And TK and I do have them!) At those times, I usually wish that we were married so it would be that much harder to walk away from the relationship. (Keeping in mind that neither of us has walked away from the relationship EVER, so I don't know why I even bother thinking that.)

I've been approaching the whole marriage thing with the attitude of, 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it.' Our relationship is awesome right now and I think we're both a little gunshy after our past relationships.

(To give you some background, we're both divorced. We both married our high school sweethearts, I had two children with mine, TK had none. I divorced my husband and eloped with a guy that was completely his polar opposite. Bad move. So, now I'm divorced... twice.) :bleagh:

Not exactly a great track record when it comes to relationships.

So, I wonder if we're both shying away from taking the plunge because we're so happy with our relationship as it stands now. You know how it goes, right?

I mean, I've never really put much stock in the idea that a piece of paper makes any difference between two people. But somehow, it does. Marriage makes people look at each other in a completely different way. In a lot of cases, it becomes a relationship of responsibility and obligation rather than desire and passion and compatibility and companionship. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high.

Not to mention the idyllic form that marriage takes nowadays. Once you're married, you're 'above' everyone else. Just saying those vows supposedly invokes that special marriage fairy (yes, there are tons of relationship fairies in my world) anyhow... the vows supposedly invoke the special marriage fairy to 'ting' you on the head with her wand of monogamy and loyalty, bringing you to a higher level than all of those other relationships out there.

Here's the problem with that theory: People are still people. We're still animals who are constantly changing and evolving. I mean, shit, last week I wasn't able to put down into words what I want to BE when I grow up, let alone WHO I want to BE WITH when I do it!

Granted, I truly do believe that TK and I are soulmates, so it's hard for me to envision my future without him. But I know a piece of paper and a costly formal party to accompany said piece of paper isn't going to change that fact!!

Now, there are some definite benefits to tying the knot. I have two kids, so we're talking about some serious tax deductions for TK. (My dad is a CPA, see how I prioritize?!) Besides that, I truly do believe that there is something special about the title of husband and wife. To have earned the honor to call TK my husband is something that I long for. I yearn to have that trophy on my mantle, but more important than the trophy is the event itself, which I am living every day. People call him my husband and I'm always quick to correct them. I can't explain it other than to say that I don't feel I've earned the right to call him my husband yet. It feels like cheating to let it slide.

I just don't know why I don't have convictions on one side or the other. I'm pretty much split right down the middle on whether it's really, truly important or not.

There are outside forces at work here as well. I have family and friends (mostly women) who ask me all the time if we've set a date. If I say 'no', they almost always lower their voices conspiratorially and ask why. They seem to be disappointed when I say that we're too busy and too happy with the way things are to change them or add the stress of planning a wedding into the mix.

In any case, it has been on my mind lately. A LOT. I just don't know why. I figure that it's going to be on my mind until I've reached a point where I have a solid opinion on 'pro' or 'con' wedding.

However, at least for right now, I'd rather make the decision of not to decide.

Is that bad?? Am I psychologically avoiding the issue? I don't think so, because I've turned the coin over and over again to examine both sides. I just haven't come up with a side that appeals to me more than the other, I guess.

So, what does this all mean for my life?

I have no clue. :wishy:

I just thought I'd share.

 

[MoonGoddess]

A man and a woman are outside.
She sits on the stoop beside the stairs and he stands next to her.

She is reading a local theatre program, cigarette dangling between her lips as she crosses her legs and absentmindedly fumbles for her lighter. The man pulls out his lighter and flicks it in front of her face. She tilts her head towards the flame, eyes still on her reading material.

The man pulls the lighter away without lighting her Marlboro.
"Miss Watson," He drawls with a condescending look.
She looks up from her program and shrugs, "What?"
"You make eye contact with the man who is lighting your cigarette," He scolds. "I never thought I'd be teaching YOU any lessons on seduction!"
He smirks at her.
She grins slowly.
"Ah, but that IS my seduction.
Don't make eye contact.
Let them wonder what I'm hiding.
Make them ASK for my eyes...
...And you did."
She meets his stare unblinkingly and leans forward, one eyebrow raised, while he obligingly lights her cigarette.
She inhales a long breath of her menthol and winks.
The others join them and he gives a nod before moving away.


**An excerpt from my evening. I just liked the exchange and thought I'd write it down for posterity.**

 

[MoonGoddess]

Sorry I haven't been updating as regularly as usual.

TK is back in the saddle again, so it has been work, sex, dinner, sex, PS2, sex, sleep, sex, work again, sex, etc...

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! :up:

YAY for me!!!

In any case, between the sexcapades and work, I'm also putting together a lavish party for his 30th. He's been struggling a little bit with the age thing, but I think a really good friend of ours helped him to put it into better perspective. (Thank GOD!)

In any case, he has really wanted an excuse for a 'Gods and Goddesses' party, so... that's where I step in. Your party planner extraordinaire!!

So, today, I'm actually at work while he is rehearsing. I'm taking this time to put together some really nice invitations and such. I have to get them out today, 'cuz his birthday is only two weeks away! :bleagh:

Oh... and on a total side-note:
Cousin Ed left today to go home. (Back East.)
WOO HOO!!!!!!!!

And... another... YAY for me!!!

Granted, we appreciated being able to split the rent four ways for a while, but if you count all the things he broke/ate/trashed/lost, etc... we pretty much broke even.

I'm just thrilled that we'll have that much more privacy at night. No more going to the bedroom for sex. I can have lazy living room couch sex... or kitchen counter sex... or office chair sex... or floor in the hallway sex....

Well... you get the picture.

If anyone has any splendid ideas for the party (with the gods and goddesses theme) let me know! I've got some things under control (like the menu) but I'm clueless on the rest. Help a girl out, would ya?!

Tootles!

 

[MoonGoddess]

Busy week!!

So, tonight is the Tori Amos concert. :up:

Woo Hoo!! I can't wait! The last concert I was at happened to be Dave Matthews Band with two of our very good (and very naughty) friends. Haven't been to a concert since.

But TK and I both dig the hell outta Tori Amos.

Then tomorrow, TK has his corporate gig in the evening at some posh resort in Scottsdale.
Wednesday, we have auditions for another play.
Thursday, we have to go shopping for a b.day present for DIT (my daughter).
Friday, we pick up the kids from school and do something fun. (Don't know what...)
Saturday is DIT's b.day party, Sunday is recovery and clean-up day.

...And then we'll start all over again!!
(Not to mention the fact that I TOTALLY have to do laundry sometime in there!!!!)

To be totally graphic and disgusting... I'm 'free-ballin' (I think that's what you fellahs call it) most days of the week 'cuz all my panties smell like sex.

Granted, it's not really a bad thing... but I prefer squirrel-covers of the unscented variety. That way... you can get 'em all moist and stinky. If they're already moist and stinky, well, half the fun is gone.

I promise that in the next couple of days, I'll think of something really profound and life-changing to write about.

Maybe.

If my two brain cells don't die beforehand.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Could today be any more whacky?!?!?!

Okay… to bring everything up to speed:

Monday night TK and I went to the Tori Amos concert. Ben Folds opened for her and (in my opinion) was the best part of the show. We had a blast and it felt wonderful to be there next to TK. He was a little irritated with me for a while there, ‘cuz I managed to crease the tickets. (I absentmindedly folded them, I think, before putting ‘em in my back pocket.)

Note to men: These kinds of things are the reason that women like YOU to take the wheel when it comes to planning dates. We do stupid little things that annoy the fuck outta you guys, so it’s just better if date planning is your responsibility.

In any case... super weirdness ensued when I see a couple of people that I recognize from my work. Not that it was odd to see people there that I knew... but among them was asshat 'I'm not coming on to you, but I'm coming on to you' guy, Mike. I could feel his eyes on me and was moderately uncomfortable until about halfway through the evening. I can only imagine how TK felt, seeing as how I've told him everything about Mike and our exchanges. Mike was there with a girl who I can only assume was his wife, but considering what a creep he is, it coulda been anybody.

Last night, TK had his corporate gig. I got there in time to catch the show, which was fun. Got to see some of the ol’ gang and hang around like a groupie. (Gotta love it!)

I felt a pang of longing for what they all shared in that room at that moment. Granted, I've never felt unwanted or excluded, so for that, I'm lucky. However, there's a camraderie amongst casts that I sorely miss. I'm a social creature and I've been living vicariously through TK for some time now. I'm sure it bugs him that I'm always asking details about how rehearsal went and who is bickering/fucking/partying with whom.

And tonight... were auditions. I was SO nervous!!! I haven't auditioned for anything in over a year!!!! I've been lucky enough to be cast from general callbacks or just called by the director for almost the whole last season. So, it was completely nerve-wracking, to say the least.

I did get a callback and so did TK. So, we'll be back there tomorrow night to read again. And again. And again.

Wish me luck.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Well, yesterday was DITs birthday and today was her party.

SUCCESS!!!

We took the kids to the local pizza and video games joint for a coupla hours where friends joined us. DIT had her table decked out in everything that she could possibly find with Spongebob Squarepants on it. (I love that kid!)

We split into groups at that point and all the boys went back to our place for video games and 'guy stuff' while the girls went to the 'Build-a-bear Workshop'. We had a blast and now DIT has a stuffed cat that she made and clothed herself. She's so stinkin' proud.

In any case, it has been a long week for me and I'm exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

I'll write more tonight or tomorrow. There's a lot on my mind, so I kinda have to let it settle before I figure out which issue is begging to come to the surface.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Well, TK and I both got cast in M*A*S*H. YAY!!!!!!!! :up:

We've had some struggles at the ol' homestead, however. TK and I had a blow-up this weekend and it was not fun, to say the least. We both fight dirty and he fights with words in a way that I'm not used to. I've never experienced a relationship with someone who is as verbally volatile as TK. Unfortunately, I'm one of those emotional chicks who gets hurt by that kind of stuff.

Now granted, you can call me a 'dirty ol' whore' with a smile on your face and I'll call you an assfuck and we'll use those as pet names for each other in the context of love and admiration. No problem. But if we're fighting and you want to call me a bitch... well, that's where I have to draw the line. That kind of stuff isn't okay to me anymore. Especially when you talk about setting an example for kids. Words are important and they carry a hell of a lot more meaning when they come from adults. I worry sometimes that TK and I get too heated and say things that we really shouldn't. I've called TK an asshole and I'm sure plenty of other names during an argument and I need to watch that. I don't want to give my kids the impression that it's okay to be rude and verbally abusive to one another.

TK and I both need to work on that. We're volatile together, which has it's exreme positives and extreme negatives. When we click and things are working the way they're supposed to, then everything is amazing.

Things just haven't been clicking the way that they were before TK left. We've both noticed it, though I've been in denial. I was just so thrilled to have him back that I denied and/or rejected anything negative that may have been going on.

We're still playing 'catch-up', I think. Still testing the waters to make sure that nothing has changed, but in doing so, we're assuming that something has changed, which brings us to the whole 'self-fulfilling prophesy' thingie... you get what I mean?!

In any case, I'm really trying to concentrate on work and getting TK's birthday taken care of. We're doing Loozapaloola (aka Lollapalooza) on Friday and then his Gods & Goddesses party on Saturday. I have a lot of furniture moving, cleaning, laundry, and decorating to do!!!

On top of everything else, tonight is the first read-thru for the show and I'll probably end up having rehearsal throughout this week as well. :bleagh:

It's gonna be busy. Please forgive if I'm not updating as regularly as I used to. I'll make it up to you.

I promise!

 

[MoonGoddess]

The missing link

Ever feel like you are going through life trying to identify the missing link between you and happiness?

I'm missing that link and it's driving me crazy!

I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I love girlie movies and flowers and wine and candles and snuggling.

But I'm also a cynic.

Which is basically like saying, "I'd really like to go to heaven when I die... but I don't believe in God."

Well, how the fuck is that supposed to work???
I'm a hopeless romantic, but I have no faith in relationships.

That's not to say that I don't have faith in my relationship with TK, but in general, I've seen just about EVERY relationship fail in some way. Whether it's trust, communication, fidelity, honesty, companionship, loyalty, sexuality, etc...

I feel like I have all of those things with TK, but it's a matter of identifying what the missing link is...

That's what I'm having trouble with.

And then, I don't know if I should be content to live as a hopeless romantic and set myself up for severe disappointment, or if I should just be my cynical self and hope that I don't become a bitter and hardened woman with a heart of ice...

I think that maybe my missing link is faith. Faith in people, faith in relationships, and most of all, faith in myself.

And if that's the only thing that's lacking... if that is the missing link between myself and bliss, then where can I find some??

I don't think faith is sold at the Price Club or the local Wal-Mart...
think I could find it on Ebay?

 

[MoonGoddess]

I feel like it has been forever since my last update. Everything has been so incredibly hectic and I feel like I’m swept up in the current without any control whatsoever. My days are spent waking up sometime between 6 and 7am, at work until 5 or 6, with just enough time to rush home and pick up TK before rehearsal, which starts at 7. We get home around 10:15 or 10:30 and that is our ‘chill out and bond’ time. It’s really the only time I have with him. He got out of the habit of being on the computer when he was up north for a month, so we don’t email and I can’t really take a lot of personal calls at work. Truth be told, we had more contact during the day when he was 2 hours away! In any case, our nights (after 10pm) are sacred, but the time we spend together is getting shorter and shorter as I start to struggle with the lack of sleep. (I’ve been in total denial that it affects me, simply because it makes me feel so old!) I started out the week by staying up until 2, 2:30 and 3:00am with TK. Last night, I had to bite the bullet and hit the sack at 1:15 because my eyes just wouldn’t stay open anymore. It was actually painful to try and stay awake! :bleagh:

So, here I am, more awake than I have been all week, but still dragging a bit and sexually frustrated ‘cuz I’ve been horny as hell, but too tired to wait up for ‘sexy time’ with TK and too exhausted to diddle the clam. :banana:
Essentially, no time whatsoever for myself except for the 20-25 minute drive to and from work. (Not to mention the current gas crisis here in Phoenix!!!!) AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!

Okay. I feel better.

So, TK and I are in a show, just auditioned yesterday for another show (one that pays) and this Sunday, we have season callbacks for the professional Shakespeare company in town. *whew*

So… it isn’t likely that this ‘time crunch’ is going to end any time soon. I guess the best thing to do is fill every minute of every hour, maintain consistent caffeine levels, and set aside some personal time for the ‘m’ word. (Meditation, masturbation… take your pick!)

Things at work are going swimmingly! I love my job and I’m meeting more and more awesome people every day! It really is turning into a really neat time in my life and I’m finding myself drawn to people who make me think and ponder things with a little more optimism than I usually do.

Life is good.

I’m exhausted. :bleagh:

But life is good. :up:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Holy Batshit, Fuckman!!

So much has happened this week and I've barely been able to keep it all straight in my head, much less put it all in writing!!!!

I'm seriously jonesing to write and it has just been a lack of time and energy to stay up and do this thing!!

So, that being said:
I WILL be updating more regularly now. I'm making it a personal goal to set aside time to write every day. It may not be on here (I'm a little nervous about posting any poetry or play-writings, simply because I'm still really sensitive and vulnerable) but I WILL write!

I pinky-swear!!!

Miss you all on the IRC and hope that everyone is doing well!!!
Props to 25 words, Retardical Sam, L(space)D, Browneyed girl, Dr. Axeman, Pixie, etc... Hope you all are keeping your chin up and enjoying the hell outta life!!!

 

[MoonGoddess]

I’m vacillating between whether today should be deemed a Monday or a Friday for me. Enough shit has gone on in the last few days to fill an entire week already, but I also feel like I’m at the ‘fresh start’ point of a Monday.

In any case, life has been crashing down around TK and I. Our only vehicle (TK’s truck) finally broke down yesterday. Kaput! Everyone I talk to says it’s the starter (solenoid??) but I have no freakin’ clue what the hell that is or where I’d find it. All I know is that when we put the key in the ignition, it clicks, but doesn’t make the ‘vroom vroom’ sound that it’s supposed to.

So, my friend and coworker (strangely, she has the same last name as myself) offered up her car for a couple of days. WOO HOO!!!! So I figure, hey… look on the bright side. You’ll get to drive a decent car, TK might start to see the draw of a practical family vehicle (it’s a Honda, not a minivan or any of that shit… not that minivans are shit… oh, you know what I mean!), AND it actually has REAL air conditioning!!! So I’m thinking, well, at least for the next couple of days, I’ll get to drive to and from work without breaking a sweat, right?

It rained last night.

This morning, it was cool as can be when I drove to work. A gentle breeze, still slightly overcast, big puddles on the ground and in the gutters. Absolutely gorgeous and no matter how hard I racked my brain, I just couldn’t figure out a way to justify using the goddamned air conditioning!!! Such a simple pleasure… and even THAT little bitty piece of optimism was pissed on.

Ahhh… the beauty that is my life!

So, now we get to sink more money into the truck, which is fine because it has been a really good vehicle to TK and I. In all honesty, I really don’t want to part with it. I know that TK is very attached to his baby and it’s nice to have a truck now and again. However, I KNOW that we are no longer able to function easily with only one vehicle. Not only is it not practical for me and the kids, but it’s just too difficult to have lives as busy as we do and completely rely on TK’s truck for transportation.

So… I’m in the market for a car. I’ve got some serious saving to do, since I don’t have a penny to put down on a car, but I’m not lookin’ for a Lexus here. Just a simple beater will do as long as it runs and has a backseat for the kiddos. It would make both my and TK’s life so much smoother and neither one of us would be dependent on the other person any time we wanted or needed to leave the house.

I’m hoping there’s something out there for me.
Maybe even something that has air-conditioning. :up:

 

[MoonGoddess]

So long, farewell...

Yeah. I'm done.

I'll find another creative outlet somewhere, someday.