Musings of a Cynical Optimist

[MoonGoddess]

Home Sweet Home

I'm baaaa-aaaack.

Ahhhh, it's good to be home.
And yet, it's such agony. :wishy:

This weekend was glorious.
Fed up with the crap going on at the homestead, and feeling a severe need to get out of Phoenix, (on behalf of myself AND the children), I decided that we were going to Sedona as soon as humanly possible.

An emergency packing job and pre-trip bathroom breaks for the kids would determine that 'as soon as humanly possible' meant that we would leave at 6:30. Good enough for me. I knew we wouldn't make Opening Night of Jason's show, but I didn't care much, really. In fact, I know that the night after Opening Night is usually the best show to see. So, the kids and I pack up on our little 'Road Trip'. 'SS' Satan's Spawn -or- Special Son is my oldest. He is 9 "I'll be 10 in December!". SS really is special in that he has a mild form of retardation called 'Fragile X syndrome.' It is more of a learning disability that affects speech and language. He doesn't articulate well and about 80% of the time, cannot comprehend the written word. Thank God we have his sister! CC is Chatty Cathy or DIT for Diva In Training, depending on which personality manifests. She is 7 (soon to be 8 in August) and going on 30. She is my 'old soul'. She has tested out of her grade level in every subject and is so precocious (yes, she can give you the Webster's definition, even) that she scares me most of the time. (To give an example, the last time I used the 'Because I'm your mother' line on her, the response I got was 'just because you had a baby, doesn't make you smart.'

Point taken. :blank:

So, we're driving up the I-17 in a truck with no AC in 115 degree weather. I see a turn that looks vaguely familiar and decide that this must be the place where I get off of the freeway.

To make a long story short, we ended up in Mayer, Arizona. Don't feel bad if you've never heard of it... I've lived here all my life and had no idea this little town was even here. Of course, if you blink, you'll miss it.

Now Mayer is about 45 minutes off my desired course and it has now put an extra hour on my driving time.

In an un-air-conditioned truck.

With two young children.
:bleagh:
Did I mention that I hate driving at night?

I do have to say that the people in Mayer are mighty friendly. There is one gas station in town and rather than ask directions (I'm like a guy in that respect) I go buy a map of Arizona, gas, and a Playboy. (I figured the male clerk would be too intrigued by a girl buying a Playboy to consider the map and ask if I'm lost.

It didn't work.

He picks up the map to ring it in and asks where I'm headed. I tell him and he proceeds to give me directions that I never would have gleaned from the AZ road map that is now in my possession. He gets me back on course in 20 minutes, flat.

We arrive in Sedona and the play is still going, but nearing its conclusion. We watch the final combat scene (at SS's insistence) and the curtain call. The children hide in wait for TK to come out from backstage. Of course, TK can never be predicted. As we're hiding in the back of the theatre, he comes back out onstage, discovering our hiding place before he even knew we were hiding. God, I love this man!!

He was such a sight for sore eyes. We stood for a moment in absolute stillness and just drank each other in. I could feel our hearts connecting and finding their rhythms after being separated for so many beats.

He jumped off of the stage and I dropped my purse to meet him in the aisle and hold him for a moment that seemed like eternity, but still managed to end too soon.

You'd think we hadn't seen each other in months, not days. My whole body sighed in his arms and I felt complete again. The kids joined in for a group hug and we all just sat there for a moment in the empty theatre holding each other.

It was magic. :love:

 

[MoonGoddess]

So...

...where was I??

Oh yeah... so we meet, embrace and just drink each other in for a long time.

The costumer had her kids holed away in the resort with the Game Cube in one room, Cartoon Network in the other room, a jacuzzi tub and ice cream in the freezer. Our spawnlings opted not to attend the cast party, but rather stick around with the costumer's kids.

Wonder why.

Then it's off to the required cast party for the required hob-knobbing with our fellow actors, board members, production crew, and a few VIPs. TK and I stay for a drink and I pass on the second offer from him (and a third from another actor) in order to keep my wits about me. I was already on an empty stomach and I'm a lightweight. Besides, I wanted to be sober enough to enjoy the rotten monkey sex we'd be having later! :banana:

Of course, I didn't take into consideration that we'd all go back to the communal house, smoke out a bit and dish all the recent gossip and spout our latest philosophies on life. TK and I fell into his bed (more of a crib mattress, really) and bodies locked, fell instantly asleep.

***

BUT... not to fear, dear readers... the next morning was quite different. After a family breakfast at the local breakfast cafe (Home of the 101 Omelettes), TK and I decided to shower.

We had vowed to stay clear of any sexual contact this week. No masturbating. And... I made it!!!!!!! I didn't diddle the clam 'til the pearl appeared ONCE this whole week!!

As much as I wanted, NEEDED to orgasm, I was more hungry for TK's cock-a-doodle-doo than anything else! Once we were both in the shower and naked, teasing, touching, squeezing, rubbing, I dropped to my knees to worship my much missed Stanley. (Named after the power tool, of course.) Also known as 'Pilgrim'. He was bigger and harder than I remembered and my body responded immediately to the sight of him. I took him in my mouth and tasted and breathed familiarity and newness at the same time. I touched and tickled while taking him into my mouth in the ways I know he likes, using my tongue to it's fullest potential. He filled my throat and I knew that he had held off just as I had. He shook and moaned with such release that I could feel his energy flowing into me and filling me with his sensuality and fever.

It
Was
AMAZING!

It was the closest I have ever come to orgasming without even being touched.

We finished our shower slowly and tenderly, basking in the glow of our passion. What a glorious weekend!!

My orgasm?? Oh... that came later. :blush:
The anticipation throughout the day almost killed me!
We hung out with the fellahs and the kids, spending a lazy day with video games and good music. The four of us retired for a nap before heading to dinner at the chow hall. After dinner, TK had to get ready for the show, which the kids and I were dying to see. TK was awesome! I was ready to call it a night and went up to the loft to lay down. A figure approached from the dark and TK loomed over me for a moment before leaning down to take me in his arms. He silently seduced me into taking off my panties and proceeded to give me the same treatment I had offered him in the shower. My orgasm was harder and wetter than I ever thought possible! He flipped me over and bent me down onto the edge of the bed where he silently f*cked me to my second and third orgasm, the last of which, he joined me in. During this time, I pictured him in the costume he had been wearing only hours before. I had been shocked when tears sprang to my eyes at curtain call out of a swelling pride for my lover and his performance that night. (In more ways than one.)

As an artist living with and loving a fellow artist, it's often easy to take your partner's talent for granted. I know that I often underestimate TK. He is brilliant to watch when he's working. His intensity and conviction are infectious. I know that he makes me a better actor. He pushes me to be real and vulnerable and consistently honest. I love him so much for this.

In any case, this break from being onstage has made me a little better at being a patron. I found myself being a typical artist, of course. I critiqued every performance and nuance of the piece. But I was also allowed to be pulled along for the ride. I was a bit less cynical and hard to impress. I enjoyed the art and believed in the characters. It was an amazing feeling and a wonderful affirmation of what we do. I was euphoric at the curtain call, having recaptured the emotions of 'Jane-audience-member' and remembered why I love what I do. To be able to influence the feelings, emotions, and passions of others is an incredible and humbling power.

TK was a god to me at that moment. I was transformed into a schoolgirl lusting after her favorite stage idol. It was just as it had been when I was awestruck by him the first time we met.

What a glorious, glorious weekend.

Oh... and that wasn't the only sex we had. Sunday was also chock-full, but it's too late and I'm too tired to go on.

Until next time...

 

[MoonGoddess]

Oh the drama of it all!!!

I love actors! :loopy:

When we aren't on stage performing drama, we're offstage creating it.

The theatre season in Phoenix pretty much comes to a standstill. There are some theatres that offer year-round productions, but the majority wait for the 'peak' season so they can get more bang for their buck. So, the theatre scene has been divided into two factions:
Those who are working.
And those who wish they were working.

Since I am one of the latter group, but am living with a member of the former group, I have become somewhat of a liason between the two. I am more popular right at this moment than I ever have been. Actors, directors, artistic directors are all calling me for news from the outside.

TK is privvy to all of the gossip and goings on up north and I'm in the middle of the churning waters down here. We pretty much have all of the info on what callbacks are coming up, what casting upsets are going on, who is auditioning for whom, etc. etc. To anyone outside of the theatre world, it's boring as all hell. To anyone even remotely connected to the theatre world, it's f*cking essential! :blank:

So, given that TK and I are the 'uber-hub' of the gossip circle, we knew that it would only be a matter of time until the gossip circle closed in on us and subsequently made US the focus of the rumormill.

We knew it was a possibility. We even talked about it.

I thought I'd handle it much worse than I did.

An actress, we'll call her Mopey, called me today. I have worked with Mopey only once or twice that I can recall. Met her about a year ago. She's got brilliant technical knowledge and a true stage presence, is multi-talented, but has the personality of Eyeore. (sp?) I don't know her very well personally and have talked to her socially on the phone once or twice. She's not the kind of person to just call and chat without some kind of agenda.

So, Mopey calls me tonight after a day full of strangely interrogative phone calls from friends and fellow actors. Her phone call put the day in perspective and I realize that friends were calling to 'feel me out' without asking flat out the questions that were burning in their minds.

The rumor is:
TK and I are splitting up.
He and I stopped talking about our wedding a while ago because neither of us wants to plan or pay for it and it seems more work than celebration. (Which is why we're leaning towards eloping and throwing a party afterwards.) Our silence regarding our nuptials has translated into, "They aren't talking about the wedding anymore because they aren't getting married."
Rumor 1, part B is that our impending separation is why we are no longer doing shows together. Here's a little note about the theatre: You can audition, but it doesn't mean you'll get cast. TK got cast for the summer season up north. I didn't. Boo-fucking-hoo. Dial whine-one-one and get the whaaaambulance. That's life. We were very lucky to be able to do shows together and play opposite each other more than once this last season. I don't know many couples who get the chance to do that. I mean, we went on fucking TOUR together, for christssake! The odds have been amazing, but they're always odds. Well, because it has become so familiar to us billed in tandem, people have freaked to see one of us without the other. TK and I both agreed that this was a great thing for us. Maintaining our individuality is so important, especially when it's our career and our passion. So, we are both taking advantage of this opportunity to its fullest. I have already been up north twice and plan on making the trek twice more. We have spoken to each other by phone every single day. Doesn't sound like a separation to me. (See earlier entries with gratutious sex.) *Section two of Rumor 1, part B is that I'm miserable because TK has made it his personal goal to seduce every woman he can up north and call me with details of his exploits.

*This section of the rumor is so absolutely assinine that I have spent the last hour trying to figure out who on this green earth could have possibly thought of that one!! :up:

So, I laughed out loud when Mopey called to 'make sure I was okay and that she didn't need to come over'. Apparently she believed that the above drama was why I dropped out of the corporate gig we were both cast in.

After my giggling subsided, I explained that my vacating the corporate gig was simply because of my new job and being slightly overcommited. I also assured her that TK and I have never been better, we ARE getting married (when we goddamned feel like it!), we are not splitting up or refusing to work together, and that I am having every bit as much sex as he is!

I am glad for the attention. (As most actors are.) I think that TK and I are strong enough and prominent enough that we are talked about. Even envied. I won't lie, I like being envied. I think we all do. It means that there is something attractive about what we have or who we are. Something that other people want. It gives me a feeling of power.

I have a relationship so strong and so multifaceted that people would love to get their hands on it to be able to claim some part for their own. I revel in that. Whether it be envy for TK on my arm or envy for my own talents and characteristics, I'll take it.

Gossip away!
Be green with envy for what I have!!

The bottom line is...

I have it.

And they... don't.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Wooooooo!

I just read my own post.

GAWD, I'm a bitch sometimes!!
Gotta love me.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Sheer energy!

There’s just something about Wednesdays.

Nothing like going through most of your workday completely oblivious that your skirt is a little more sheer than you thought when you last looked at yourself in the mirror.

It’s even better when it’s a male co-worker that points it out to ya. (In a rather lascivious manner.) So much for the females sticking together, eh? Well, in any case, I decided that the best option is to give ‘em all a little show. I decided to sashay down the halls rather than my typically brisk walk, keeping my thighs apart to give the best visual possible.

I only wish I had shaved my legs this morning.

Oh well… tonight, perhaps I’ll be the girl most masturbated over by all these lonely corporate guys.

(**Evil snicker**)

 

[MoonGoddess]

Do you think about TK when you wank? He sounds rather masturbatable.
Excuse my nosiness. Feel free to tell me to fuck off.

Love the journal by the way.

OMG!!! I would never tell you to fuck off!!! You read my shit... you should be telling ME to fuck off!

I do often think of TK when I wank. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I'm abnormal because of it. However, I won't lie and say I think of him ALL the time. Because it's masturbation, I sometimes feel a little 'freer' with my fantasies. Since it's all in my brain, I can fantasize that TK is chained against the wall and forced to watch while a team of Italian soccer players has their way with me.

And believe me... I DO fantasize about those things when I masturbate!

I can tell you that TK is always involved. Even if I'm fantasizing about something or someone else, the thought of him watching me within my fantasy becomes that much more erotic. Even during the times that he is in the room... I won't deny that sometimes his pilgrim is transformed into someone else's cock. His prick has been my personal dick double for such celebrities as Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Edward Norton, Robert Sean Leonard, Christian Bale and Ben Stiller... to name just a few.

Hope that answers your question, and please don't hesitate to ask me ANYTHING!!! It's very hard to offend me, and I'm pretty much guaranteed to have an opinion about everything.

I feel anonymous and safe enough to give you all the real deal on here. I love being able to be open about this stuff, so ask away and I will give you the best I have.

Thanks for reading!!!

 

[MoonGoddess]

Men.

So, "please don't take offense, I am not coming on to you" guy, Mike, flat-out came on to me today.

I wasn't going to write about this, but it's pretty significant in my book, so I'm gonna. Bear with me.

A bunch of my coworkers (and there was a pretty even ratio of men and women) were talking on the smokers patio at lunch. Now, I LOVE the smokers patio. I would probably hang out there even if I didn't smoke.
Smokers are pack creatures and the smokers patio is where they huddle together and share the latest workplace gossip. Today, the subject was a girl in the finance department who got busted when her boss peered into her cubicle and discovered her on the phone with her lover and her hand clear up her own skirt.

Yup! Caught masturbating in the workplace!! :tsk:

So, of course, the conversation turns to masturbating and I pop off the fact that I haven't masturbated since Monday. This got me nods of approval from the men and a chorus of 'why nots' from the women. I explain my running experiment with TK and everyone nods in understanding.

So, the group filters back to their respective offices, leaving Mike and I around the cement table to finish our cigarettes. At this point, Mike leans over and says, "Can I watch?"

I tried to play dumb, but it didn't work.

I knew exactly what he meant and he knew that I knew exactly what he meant. Great.

So, I laugh it off and wiggle my HUGE FUCKING DIAMOND ENGAGEMENT RING in his face as a reminder that I am spoken for and not to be trifled with.

He comes back with, "Nobody has to know. Isn't your fiancee away?"

At this point, I am seething.

I don't remember my exact words, but they were something to the effect of, "You dirty, rotten, mutherfucking, stankass, pig fucker. I can't believe that you would even insinuate, joking or not, that I would ever fuck around on my man. And I will also point out that it is mighty presumptuous of you to think that if I was to fuck around on him that I would choose YOU to do it with. You have a mighty high opinion of yourself and please believe me when I say that it is completely unfounded." :flip:

...or something like that.

Actually, that's pretty much word-for-word there.

So, I put out my cigarette and walk back into my office. Well, it's not really my office... I'm working out of someone elses office because I don't have a FUCKING COMPUTER yet. But that's another story...

So, I get back to work and I get an email.

Guess who.

It's an apology letter from Mike. He's so sorry he offended me, he didn't think about what it said about my character, he never intended to diss my boyfriend, blah, blah, blah. (I DO like how he referred to him as my boyfriend. I took Psych 101... it gives away a LOT.) So, I didn't respond to the first email, knowing that there would be others.

I wait.

A second email pops up. It reiterates the first letter, but emphasizes how VERY sorry he is and how desperate he is that this not become an issue.

Well, he hit the nail on the head there, because I'm one of those chicks who HATES chicks who cry 'sexual harrassment' if they've been participating in conversations that have the potential to cause these kinds of issues. Ie: Masturbation.

So, I email back and let Mike know that I think he's a really funny guy and is a cool buddy to have at the office. I also say that I have no desire to turn our workplace into a hostile environment. So, I'm willing to let it go, but I have some specific demands.

He emails back and asks what these demands are.

1.) You will never suggest anything of or relating to you, me, and sex or nudity.

2.) You will now refer to me as Miss Watson. Not hun or babe or chick.

3.) You will refer to my fiancee as 'TK'. If you do not wish to call him by his name, you will refer to him as my LOVER or SOULMATE. Not boyfriend, boy, or guy.

4.) You will stop staring at my ass when I wear sheer skirts to work.

**I totally bluffed on that last one. It was an assumption, but it paid off.**

He emailed back and agreed to everything, while simultaneously begging me to still be his friend 'cuz he thinks I'm a 'really cool chick.' (See #2.)


So, you were right, Retardical Sam. I should have believed you from the start and not been so naive. Well, at least I stood up for myself and gained a little power and respect from a fellow co-worker. (Actually, two, because another gal knew what was going on and viewed my emails to him.) She's a young thing and very impressionable. Hopefully, I'm not leading her astray. :wishy:

In any case, I will probably still hang with Mike on the smokers patio. I may still email about bands and concerts, movies and theatre... but I guarantee that if he ever undresses me with his eyes or thinks about me in a way he shouldn't be, he will think twice, hide it well and I will never know about it.

I think I prefer it that way.

I know TK would too. :love:

 

[MoonGoddess]

IRC members ROCK!!!

Thank you to everyone who has PMed me to show support for my relationship, my bitchiness and my loathing for other people who drive on MY roads!!! You are ALL awesome!!!

So... to give you the update:
Mike was out 'sick' today, so nothing to update on that front. I wonder when he fell ill? Perhaps sometime after he got his ass handed to him on a platter by yours truly??

Serves him right.

I talked to TK again this afternoon and frustrated the hell out of him. I'm just an asshole sometimes. I don't mean to be... but phone conversations between us are hard. It's a reminder of the distance between us right now and it's also more difficult when we can't look each other in the eye and interpret body language during conversations. It sucks. Thank God there's only 11 more days of hell left!
I got 'talked to' unofficially at work today. The girl in the cube next to me is not from my same department. She works in finance, but ends up doing a lot of stuff for my department, so they stuck her in the same room with us. She has been with the company for two years and the rest of us (including my boss and my boss' boss) have only been there a matter of months. (Or weeks, in my case.) Well, because of this, she has a little bit of a stick up her ass. Okay, it's more like a 20-foot palm tree, but I digress....
Anyhoo... she's conservative, quiet, and more than a bit bitter that everyone in the room is making more money than her. So, she will find ANYTHING wrong and immediately bitch to management about it. It seems that since I sit so close to her and since I have the kind of voice that carries, she hears me when I'm on phone calls. Today, she mentioned to my boss' boss that I seem to be on the phone with 'a lot' of personal calls. Evidently, one or two calls to TK (usually on my lunch break, mind you) and one or two calls checking up on the kids during the day is 'excessive' in her mind. So, my boss, (who doesn't give a shit and told me so in those words,) had to 'talk' to me about it so that BS (Bitter Spinster) wouldn't escalate it beyond the management of our department.
My boss, MM (nothing original...just her initials), tells me, "I don't really care, because I'm sure I make and receive more personal calls than everyone put together... BUT... because it was brought to our attention, we have to at least make it look like it has been addressed. So... if you're on a personal call, try to make it sound professional or lower your voice so that she doesn't catch on that it's personal. Besides, she's going to be getting her own office soon and she'll be out of our hair in about a month."

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!! :up:

Well then... there ya go! So, I tried to call TK back while she was out of the room, but he was napping and I don't want to keep bugging him when he's trying to rest before shows. So, I talked to his dormmate, GJ (Glick Jr.) for a while and let him know what my work situation was. Hopefully he explained it to TK so he can understand a little better and be a little less frustrated with my cryptic responses to him.

On another note, one of my very best friends got the results back from her 'girly exam' and was told that she has precancerous cells and/or something called cervical dysplasia. I know of two girls that I grew up with that got this kind of result and both have gone on in perfect health, conceived and had children. But... it doesn't stop me from worrying about her. I won't deny that I'm more than a little ignorant on this particular subject. She's one of my best friends ever, so it's been on my mind all day. If anyone knows about this firsthand, I sure wouldn't mind a word or two on the subject.

That's about it for me. Not a whole hell of a lot to write about. Gonna take the kids for a run to the border and let them check out the new PS2 game I bought off of half.com.

Should be an early night for me as I'm off to the northern vortex this weekend for another conjugal visit with my sweetie. :banana:

Until next time....

 

[MoonGoddess]

Just wanted to send off a quick 'howdie-doo' to those of you who are actually taking the time to read my drivel. You are all so awesome!! I've learned and grown so much from reading your poetry, ramblings, blogs, etc. From my fellow women in love with love and even my sweetheart of a young fellah (who has shown that in many ways he is wiser than I am), everyone has been so beautiful and supportive and free and artistic.

I love it!

It reminds me that regardless of who or where we are... there's nothing separating us besides distance. We've all got more in common than we would ever imagine.

Thank you for making me feel so at home here on IRC. You have become such a cute and dysfunctional little family to me.

I'm off to fuck my lover all weekend long.

I hope some of you will get to do the same!
Well, not MY lover.... oh, you get the picture.

Tootles!

 

[MoonGoddess]

Everyone's Mother

Just got back from a wonderful weekend with TK. It was a bit rocky at first as we were both feeling the stress and the anxiety from being apart and knowing that there is one more week to go before he comes home. However, we quickly got over that little hurdle and had an awesome, sex-filled weekend that left us both feeling temporarily satisfied and ready to tackle the week ahead.
However, reality was waiting for me full force when I got home. :exp:

BILTOB (Brother-in-law-to-be, for those of you who need to be caught up) has a dog. Her name is Raven. She is a pitbull and about 10-11 months old right now. She mainly stays outside and in BILTOB's room because he has a patio door that allows her access in and out, but not into the main house. He does let her into the house on occasion, but she insists on peeing as soon as she enters the living room (TK and I have 2 cats), so she has to be watched like a hawk.

Evidently, this wasn't the case. During the course of the weekend, she shat in my room and my kids' room. She pissed in both rooms as well. ALSO... she chose to completely chew the fuck out of the TV remote, my bass guitar stand, a water bottle, two pairs of my BRAND NEW satin panties and a myriad of other items.

Unfortunately, BILTOB was asleep when I discovered this and I had no desire for a heated confrontation in front of the children. And it WILL be heated. If I see that dog in my house again, I will promptly dismiss her AND BILTOB from setting foot inside until he has either taken the time to properly train her or has admitted that he has no business caring for a dog and finds a decent home for her.

So... welcome back to Phoenix, eh?!

Even more frustrating is that I know I can't talk to TK about it. It'll only piss him off that this kind of shit is happening and he can't do anything about it because he is up north still. So, I will handle it as I see fit (which will undoubtedly involve some VERY heated discussion about the repeated disrespect shown to myself and my kids during TK's absence.)

On a lighter note, TK and I had some great discussions this weekend and a chance to just hang and enjoy each others company. I brought out our minicassette recorder (as we often do) to catch some of our conversation on tape. (I do this for purposes of remembering things I want to journal or explore at a later time.) There was some fun stuff in there that I will try to transcribe and post sometime this week just for shits and giggles.

Missed the IRC and hope you are all doing well.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Oh Happy Day!!

Well, I left a nasty note on the counter for BILTOB and Cousin Ed. It seems to have done the trick. No one has said a word about it, but they were both very cordial to me and the kids this evening. Granted, I still had to clean up their fucking dinner mess, but if it keeps dog piss out of my room, I'm all for it!!

On a brighter note, TK got offered another corporate gig today. I was a little envious as it's the same gig that I had to turn down because of my fucking day job, but I'm still thrilled that he has managed to become one of the ranks in this company. It's an awesome opportunity and the gigs always pay well, so it's awesome to know that he'l have that waiting for him when he gets back.

My first reaction was one of envy and a little sadness. I'm just feeling stuck where I'm at and I'm scared that the opportunities I've been getting aren't going to be coming along forever. I know that it's only a matter of time. I mean, in this business, if you say 'no' too many times, people just stop calling with offers. I know that I'm in a very desirable age range right now, so I feel like I have to strike while the iron is hot. I'm meeting with a local agent tomorrow for representation and she has already told me that she's leery of signing on people who have day jobs that aren't flexible. Most shoots and casting calls are during the day, so it has to be something that I'm able to do. I talked to TK about that this weekend, but he seemed to brush it off as if it wasn't important. I don't know if he felt that getting an agent wasn't important or keeping the day job wasn't important. I'm afraid that it's the latter, but I also know that he would never suggest that I not follow my bliss, so I'm still a bit ignorant as to his feelings on the matter.

In any case, we're one day closer to being together again. It's the home stretch now and I can feel myself getting progressively more positive and less stressed. Which is hard to believe, 'cuz I'm PMSing this week!!! Usually I'm a raging uber-bitch. However, I was only a somewhat of a bitch this afternoon on the phone with TK. I'm hoping that his day off spent swimming and hiking allowed him the escape that I know he needed.

And so, with that... I leave you to start printing up headshots and resumes to take to the agent tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me!! :up:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Destiny Arrives

I did it!

I signed with an agent today.

After leaving the 'meeting' with D and her daughter, M, (who is a co-partner in the agency), I was in knots! There was a group meeting with three of us for about a half an hour and they both asked that I stay for a minute or two. I did, and we talked a bit more about what I was looking for as far as representation.

D explained that she could use me, but wanted to start doing so as soon as possible. I have to get more headshots done (thank GOD TK is a wonder with our digital camera and photog lights!) by the time we meet next, which will be on the 31st.

So, of course, I'm now thinking and contemplating where I want my life to go and... well, ...what I wanna be when I grow up. These would be much easier choices 10 years ago. But now I have a family to support. I have responsibilities and obligations that dictate a majority of my choices in life. How do I balance them with following my bliss? I mean, my kids are non-negotiable. I'm still convinced that they are the only reason I'm alive today. When DIT (my daughter, 'diva-in-training') was only 6 months old, I spent an entire night alone in my pitch-black bathroom, naked in a tub of tepid water (dad and I were separating and he had the kids for the weekend.) I had a suicide note in one hand and a razor in the other. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I have had nightmares in which I actually go through with it and I watch my body drain and my life ebb away slowly and silently. That was me at my lowest.

At least, it was the lowest for that period in my life. Since then, I've been lower, but I've gotten stronger since then and my tolerance for anguish has increased as my discovery of bliss has become broader.
The thought of my children kept me going. I didn't want them to grow up in a world that is often cold and cruel without the love of their mother. Whatever benefit my death would cause could not equal the loss to my children. I sobbed for hours that night. It was a night of reckoning and probably my first real experience with self-awareness.

I truly believe that death is the illusion of ignorance. A false statement to the world that you are fate's victim. I realized that night that death is something greater than I was willing to take on. I know what it means to hear, 'It isn't her time, yet.' I've heard the spirits whisper those words to me in the fog of my recurring nightmare.

That first day of self-awareness became a pattern of increased consciousness. And what is destiny but a series of events that form a pattern in retrospect? I find myself analyzing my past in order to best prepare for the future.

I feel older today. But I feel beautiful, alive and vibrant. I'm blending my life and my dream into one cohesive perception. I'm dedicating myself to my day job (the one that supports my acting habit) with the knowledge and the confidence that it's not something I'm meant to do for the rest of my life. Something greater is on the horizon. I'm impatient and feel like it can't come fast enough for me. But I know that it's coming and when it finally hits, I still won't feel like I'm adequately prepared.

The pattern has begun and I can see the many paths to my destiny. They have been leading me towards the things I cherish and desire most.

Love, passion, laughter, music, color and life.

I know that TK is a bigger part of this than I ever imagined. I've always had the vehicle to get where I needed to go, but what I lacked was the force and the direction. That's why destiny brought me to TK. I so refused the possibility of TK and I long-term.

How foolish I was to resist.

I know that life does not merely sweep you along. Too easily, footing is lost and the tide carries you under, into the black abyss. It is necessary to swim with the tide, choosing your course and allowing destiny to propel you forward.

I'm glad I have TK's strength and his lust for life. I couldn't be on this journey without him.

In three more days, I will be in his arms again.
In five days, he will be home.

I miss the smell of his skin on my pillow.
I ache for him.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Sinking Fast

Well, I just got off of the phone with TK.

I don't know how or why it happened, but my mood shifted downward.
Strike that... I do know why, I'm just afraid to write it down in fear of making it all too real.

I handed in TK's resume while I was at the talent agency. They are known for representing couples and families and I know that TK is getting more and more serious about his art. I thought I was doing a good thing, especially when his resume was accepted very enthusiastically.

TK took that news less than enthusiastically and was quite insistent that he would be following his own timeline and his own drummer when it came to that.

I have this sinking feeling that we are choosing separate paths. I don't even know that TK is aware that he is choosing it. It's more like an unconscious drifting. It hurts to be keeping things from him. I haven't mentioned a thing about how it's going at home and he hasn't asked. My silence is a parameter that he has set on this relationship now, and I have silent screams straining at my throat, trying to find a voice. It's all about him, now. I am becoming his ex-wife. Married to my job and excluded from his passions. Separated by distance and expected to trust and have faith, when he shows none.

I've seen this pattern.

It terrifies me.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Optimism Wins!!

So, kudos to DrAxeman and Tango.

You were both right. :up:

I had a chance to talk with TK a bit this afternoon at work. (Which sucks, 'cuz the girls... god love 'em... are nosey as hell and all up in my business!!!) However, a couple of 'em were out of the office at a tech expo, so I had the chance for some semi-private chat time with my lover.

I was being overly analytical and pessimistic as usual. Plus... I should've started my period several days ago, so I think I'm suffering through a longer PMS week than usual, which makes me even crankier. Ugh!

In any case, TK has been doing this gig up north and knows that I've been struggling for my own creative identity, so he simply wanted the agent thing to be 'my spotlight'. Not that he doesn't want to share it, he just wanted to keep the focus on me and let me have the glory of the accomplishment for myself.

Now I feel like a TOTAL heel! I know better, I really do! I know not to second-guess him. TK always has the best intentions towards me and he has never shown me to the contrary. I mean, the guy got out of a 10-year relationship and asked me to marry him OUT OF THE BLUE a year later. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me and his purest desire is my health and well-being.

I'm an asshat.

On a totally different note, it seems that my stalker is back in town. To give a little background... JB (his real initials) is probably about 21 now. He is the proverbial spoiled rich kid, who was adopted by a corporate father and sterile mother. They are both now in their late 40's and for the last year, have paid JB's rent and utilities plus a daily stipend to keep him in California and away from here. I guess it didn't work. JB and I first crossed paths when he was a kid actor and I was the business manager for a local theatre that rented out the space to the children's theatre. I was also doing shows with the adult company and was starting to make a name for myself, when JB and I first met.

At least, I think we met. To be honest, I don't remember ever talking to this person and until I saw a headshot of him a year ago, couldn't have told you what he looked like. I still couldn't point him out to you on the street.

Anyhoo... I was running a local theatre gossip website. Purely entertainment value to those closely related to the theatre community here and loaded with the local gossip of who is sleeping with whom and what shows are coming up.

I also had an open forum where JB would post anonymously and trash some highly respected actors and directors. More than trash, actually. He made accusations that could well cost people their jobs and their families. Then he would post under his real name to defend the same people he was ruining in earlier posts. Well, as administrator, I knew that the IP addresses were the same, even if the usernames were different. I sent JB an email ripping him a new asshole and asking that he cease and desist. When he continued, I 'outed' him on the forum.

Since then, he has seemed to watch my every move. He has created websites to slander myself and TK and even went so far as to post pictures of my CHILDREN on his site with the most disgusting captions I've ever seen. Pictures that he had copy/pasted from my personal family site. He knew where I lived and where I worked. TK maintained that it was some kind of crush and that I had probably been ignorant of his existence since I was so tied up with the adult theatre troupe. TK decided that his hate was a form of transference and that JB thought that even negative attention from me was desirable.

After finding an online diary of his (thank you, Google), I filed a police report and notified his father of pending legal action should it continue. The diary was chock-full of death threats to me, directors, and a certain theatre critic. The diary came down and I haven't heard from him since then. (That was in September.) TK and I moved in October, and life has been peaceful.

Well, he emailed that certain critic today to bitch about his review of a certain show that his friends were in. The critic forwarded it to me (since it was emailed semi-anonymously) to ask my opinion on whether or not it was the same guy.

It is.

It gave me the creeps to know that he's back in town. Life was better when I knew he was in a different state. I wish I didn't know any better.

In any case, I doubt I'll be hearing from him. I gave his father an earful in September and let him know that JB wouldn't be able to live on his fat little allowance if daddy had it all tied up in lawyer's fees and court costs.

If I do hear from him, god save me. He used my KIDS and I won't hesitate to see to it that he's not able to have any of his own.

I wouldn't think twice.

So, I'm an asshat, but I'm a desirable asshat. :angel:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Sweet Irony

I walked into the office this morning and one of the instructors had baked a cake for us. So, there’s a huge bundt cake in the middle of the office and Karen Carpenter is crooning on the PA system.

I couldn’t help but giggle at the irony. My co-workers looked at me like I was going crazy, but it gave me an immediate lift.

It’s going to be a good day, I think.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Life will soon be back to normal!! Well, …as normal as it ever was, I guess.
My lover is coming home. :love:

I cried this morning.

I know that the universe has been testing both TK and I.

I’d say we passed. Granted, there have been moments of doubt and insecurity. There have been days filled with tears and loneliness. But there has never been a day where we didn’t love each other. There has never been a moment where we didn’t lose sight of our goals for ourselves and each other.

It was tough, I will admit, and I think that TK was/is a lot stronger than I am in that respect. I am proud of this milestone for us. I’m proud of myself and my loyalty to TK. Like I’ve said before, this relationship is unlike any other I’ve been in simply because TK is the first man I’ve wanted to be faithful and loyal too.

TK makes me a better person in so many ways.
His lust for life, his optimism, his love, his trust, and his loyalty are gifts that I will never take for granted.

I can’t wait to get back to life as it was and as it will be.
I’m excited for all of the prospects that are out there and I know that once TK and I are together again, we’re going to take the world by storm.

I can do anything with TK by my side.

And today, he’ll be by my side once again. Only this time, I don’t have to go home alone.

He’s coming home with me.

Prepare yourselves for journal entries full of mushy prose and details of wild monkey-sex!!! :banana:

Happy Friday, everyone!!

 

[MoonGoddess]

Welcome Home, TK!

TK is home and all is well with the world. :love:

I got out of work early on Friday and grabbed the kids to make the trek up north one last time. Unfortunately, the others that were in our convoy (friends going up to see the show) were running late, so we didn't get started on our journey until 5:30, which made me wonder why I went to all the trouble to leave work early. Oh well...

We made good time on the way there and I think my eagerness to see TK affected the kids more than I thought. They opted not to go to the movies just so we could go straight to where TK's show was playing.

It was so good to see him!!

This week has been the hardest for us even though it was the home stretch. Loneliness was starting to set in for me and TK was getting progressively more homesick. We saw each other and our faces reflected exactly how we felt. The mood was different because we knew we were going home together.

Finally! :jump:

We had seen each other every weekend and the sex was the most awesome EVER! However, there was a feeling of something missing simply because we both knew that it was temporary.

Regardless of the fact that we had monkey sex every weekend, I was hotter for TK than I have ever been. (Save for the period of time when we first started dating.) He made me orgasm using only his fingers twice this weekend and I reciprocated by giving him a fairly decent combination handjob/blowjob.

The sex was so different! It was a homecoming of sorts for both of us and I think we felt more comfortable giving over completely to one another this weekend. There was nothing to hold back, we didn't have our guard up, and added to the fact that we knew we didn't have to leave each other again, it made it that much more intimate.

His tongue sent electricity coursing throughout my veins and there was a tingling wake whenever his hands touched my skin. Our kisses meant more and we couldn't seem to hold each other enough.

We had planned on hanging out for a while, but when we woke this morning, everyone seemed a bit anxious to be home. So, we were back by 1pm this afternoon.

The house seemed complete again. No melancholy energies were present like they have been since TK's absence.

He's been playing video games with the kids and I can't seem to keep my eyes off of him. The sight of him back home is a balm to my chapped soul.

We spent some time just catching up and sharing the lessons we have both learned this last month. My fears of it causing any kind of distance between us were unfounded. This month apart has done nothing but bring us closer together. It's a milestone in our relationship and a badge that we will both wear proudly.

I'm glad that we're the kind of couple that has a hard time being apart. I'm glad that we're the kind of couple that can't go a day without speaking to each other.

I'm glad we're faithful and loyal and so very much in love.

Now we can continue our lives and our loves.
I feel complete again.
I feel invincible!!

Welcome home, TK.
And welcome back, Eve.

:wave:

 

[MoonGoddess]

For shits and giggles...

Thanks for the link, L D. I enjoyed the test!!!

(But I think I need some serious help!)


<table width="350" style="margin: 5px; border: 1px solid #FF0000; padding: 5px; font: 10pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif'; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff;"><tr style="background-color: #ffccff; font: 12pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif';"><td colspan="3" style="text-align: center;"><strong>Your <A href="http://www.theferrett.com/purity">Ultimate Purity Score</a> Is... </strong></td></tr><tr><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid;" width="125"><strong>Category</strong></td><td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid;"><strong>Your Score</strong></td> <td style="padding: 4px; border-bottom-width: 1px; border-bottom-color: #FF0000; border-bottom-style: solid;"><strong>Average</strong></td> </tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;"><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Self-Lovin'</td><td><b>25%</b><br>When I think about you - or anyone - I touch myself</td> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold">64.7%</td></tr><tr ><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Shamelessness</td><td><b>14.3%</b><br>For Christ's sake, put your clothes on!</td> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold">79.1%</td> </tr><tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;"><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Sex Drive</td> <td><b>23.7%</b><br>Humps fire hydrants when nobody's looking</td><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold">77.4%</td></tr><tr><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Straightness</td><td><b>1.8%</b><br>Knows the other body type like a map</td> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold">44.6%</td> </tr> <tr style="background-color: #ffffcc;"> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Gayness</td> <td><b>39.3%</b><br>At least one weekend of ecstacy</td> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;">82.9%</td></tr>
<tr><td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;" width="125">Fucking Sick</td><td><b>64.6%</b><br>Dipped into depravity</td> <td style="vertical-align: top; font-weight: bold;">89.7%</td></tr> <tr style="background-color: #ffffcc; vertical-align: top; font: 12pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif'; font-weight: bold;">
<td colspan="3" style="vertical-align: top; font: 12pt arial, verdana, 'sans serif'; font-weight: bold; padding: 12px; text-align: center;">You are 32.99% pure<br>Average Score: 72.3%<br></td></tr><tr> <td colspan="3"><div align="center"><a href="http://www.theferrett.com/purity"><strong>Take The Ultimate Purity Test<br>and see how you match up!</strong></a></div></td> </tr></table>

http://www.theferrett.com/purity

 

[MoonGoddess]

Serendipity

Okay... so the joyous thoughts of 24-hour monkey sex will have to wait a couple of days.

I'm on the rag and TK is horribly sunburnt.

Isn't Mother Nature WONDERFUL?!?!?!
(Fucking whore.) :flip:

In any case, it works out well. Once TK and I are both 'healed up', well... it's GO time!

I've seriously been going through withdrawals.
Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, now that I think of it...
I mean, after all, TK was able to get me off with minimal effort. A lack of sex reduces me to bumping into doorknobs on purpose!

Not that I’m a total nympho or anything, but I do enjoy a healthy sex drive and I’m pissed as hell that I have to bleed once a month, simply because it cramps my style. Ha ha… ‘cramps’ my style… ha ha ha!! Ha…. Er.. um…. Nevermind.

I’m not generally one of those prissy girls who has to have a clean-up crew on standby whenever sex is involved. I don’t jump up immediately after orgasm to run to the bathroom. I enjoy sex and I enjoy messy sex. I love smelling like my man and I revel in the fact that he smells every bit like me. However, I’m not into ‘rag sex’ or ‘period sex’. Most of it is just for practicality’s sake. If I’m overly concerned about whether Tide or Woolite will have a better chance of getting the stains out of the sheets… well, then I’m not really going to be able to thoroughly enjoy the sex. That’s about all there is to it. Now granted, I don’t feel my sexiest at this particular time of the month, either. So, it’s just easiest if we call it ‘High School’ week and limit it to blowjobs, handjobs, and heavy petting. It works for me!!!

Regardless of the fact that Old Aunt Flo is visiting, TK’s return home has kicked my libido back into high gear.

Now if only he weren’t the poster boy for the local hospital’s burn unit! TK rode in the back of the truck on the way home yesterday, so needless to say, he got a fair amount of sun. His chest ranges from shades of mahogany to neon fuchsia. He has a band of eggshell white skin on the top of his head from where his do-rag was, and there is now a circle of virgin skin around his neck where his necklace became a barrier between it and the sun. Other than those two places and about a 2 ft. square where his shorts are located… that boy is BURNED!!!

I feel for him. As an Irish girl who only tans in varying shades of pink, I’ve burned, blistered, peeled and freckled more than my fair share. The skin on his legs is so taut that it hurts him to walk.

I have no idea how he managed to sleep last night. I made sure that the fan was on and that our room was somewhat chilly, just because I knew he would be hot and miserable. I’m hoping it helped.

So, I guess there really is serendipity where you’d least expect it. We’re both out of commission, he with sizzled skin, me with cramps and bloating.

I guess it’ll just be that much better when we’re finally at our normal operating speeds.

Well, misery loves company, eh?!
I’m off to provide my man with that company now, since my boss just allowed me to take a portion of the day off. (I’ll have to make up the hours if I want to get paid.) She knew that TK was coming home today and she had expected me to call in sick or something. (Which she totally would have busted me for.) But since I was ethical and came into work as normal, she gave me the option of taking off early to be with him.

Life is good.

Love is better.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Well… not much to write about today.

Life has kind-of returned back to normal for the past two days.
TK is still ‘untouchable’ because of his sunburn, which is driving me crazy!!! It’s been a month since he’s been in my bed and I haven’t been able to re-christen the house yet!!
He is oblivious to the lack of sex right now, simply because it is the last thing on his mind. I guess I can understand that. I’ve had bad sunburns before and the last thing you want is someone else rubbin’ all up on ya. :bleagh:

Okay… so, on a totally different and majorly scary note:
As I was writing the beginning of this post, the rest of the reps in my department along with myself were called into a meeting by our boss. Let me give you a bit of back-story here…
Boss-Lady is 2 & ½ years younger than myself. She is just barely 25, and is new to the world of management. She worked at the same University that I did for about 4 years, and it is this experience that qualified her to head up the brand-new e-learning division of this company. She is the one that hired me. In fact, she has hand-picked the five reps that are here. Well, four reps now, which brings me to the rest of my story.

One of our reps is leaving. BG (Barbie Girl) is leaving to become a 5th grade teacher. I was really thrilled for her as we’ve gone to work out together at lunch and shared some of our passions while sweating and cursing. I knew that she had always wanted to be a teacher, so I was extremely happy for her. Boss-lady wasn’t so happy.

She took it personally that BG has been looking for a job and didn’t tell her. She’s also concerned that it made her look bad to the higher-ups. She called us all into a meeting to let us know that BG was leaving. After the meeting, boss-lady and I hung out to talk a bit. It was clear to me that there was something else on her mind and she has seemed a bit stressed lately. Luckily, we get along really well and all it takes is a trip to the snack machines and her favorite, peanut butter M&Ms, to loosen her up to where she spills the beans. Well, she spilled the beans.

She’s afraid for her job. The department is so new and production from our end isn’t very high because our name isn’t really out there yet. Besides that, the product that we offer is highly specialized, which means it doesn’t appeal to everyone and of the people that do desire it, only half are qualified. In any case, upper management is putting the squeeze on her. Now, she isn’t the best boss in the world, granted, but she certainly isn’t the worst. She has a good heart, she’s just a little bit young and inexperienced, that’s all.
But her youth and inexperience are now being questioned and looked at with a magnifying glass, so she is sweating bullets at this point.

Wow.

So, since she hand-picked all of us, my next natural question is whether MY job is in jeopardy or not. She reassured me that nothing would happen to the reps, since our performance was just fine, but was ‘venting’ about her own insecurities. Now, granted… I’m not freaking out or anything, but I’m wondering if it isn’t a good idea to start dusting off the ol’ resume just in case.

I don’t want TK to freak out either, but I do want to make sure that there are no surprises. If upper management is scrutinizing boss-lady’s performance, then there is a very good chance that they’re doing the same to us pee-ons. So, my dilemma stems from two places:
Will I be let go if they decide to ‘clean house’ with the entire department?
Or… will I be the one that is asked to replace boss-lady, should they decide to give her the boot?

Either way, I’m not sure what I should do with this information. Or if I should even care about it. I mean, technically, I shouldn’t even know any of this, but I got her all sugared up with PB M&Ms, so it’s my own damn fault.

I think I’ll just hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. It seems to work on most occasions. :up: