Musings of a Cynical Optimist

[MoonGoddess]

Musings of a Sexual Optimist

It's about goddamned time.

I've been journaling for a while on another site that was entirely too censored for my tastes, so I'm venturing out into a more artistic venue where I think my thoughts and ideas might be better digested by the masses. Since this is a more artistically geared board, I'm hoping to find the open minds and good company that I seek.

Here goes:

Hi!

I'm Eve. Okay... that's not really my name, but for the purposes of anonymity, I get to pick ANY name I want (parents be damned) so what better than to go to the first (named) woman in history?? I feel a bond with her in that I imagine she was just as clueless about her existence as I am about mine. Of course, her position held a little more responsibility to mankind than mine does, but I digress...

I'm in my 20's, legally single, two children from a previous marriage, and I live with my lover and soulmate. We've been together for about 2 & 1/2 years, during which time, I've undergone a strange and exhilirating metamorphosis.

I've become a sexual creature. :up:

With my strictly religious background, my repressed early adulthood and several failed relationships, I never thought I would reach this phase in my life. But here it is!

My man, TK (The King), is one of the most liberal free-thinkers I've ever met. He challenges me constantly to be a better person, to leave my mark on the world. No small task. We are a sexually open couple, who occasionally dabble in swinging. Granted, those experiences are few and far between... but it's a far cry from the lights-out, obligatory groping, 30-second sex that I became accustomed to during my marriage to TT (The Troll). While TT gave me two wonderful spawnlings, it is still my contention that one of them was conceived simply because I slept in the wet spot. Our sex life wasn't frequent or fulfilling enough to warrant two children.

So, there it is... a brief introduction, but an adequate opening to my journal. I don't have any intentions of being the next Joseph Campbell and my words probably won't inspire you on to greatness...
But maybe, just maybe, they'll make you think...

...And hopefully challenge you to actively seek the next phase of your existence.

Until then, fair readers....

 

[MoonGoddess]

Sexcapades

Well, last night, TK and I ventured out to one of the 'adult social clubs' in town.

I have to fight the initial discouragement when walking in to these establishments. At first glance, there is a smattering of older couples who have been in the lifestyle so long that they become complacent. It's no longer a reason to get dressed up and put on the 'good' perfume. It's just another visit to the local sex club, where they are on a first-name-basis with everyone who has been there more than twice that month.

Now, don't get me wrong, I totally admire and respect these individuals. They have reached a comfort level and a self-assurance that I can only dream of at this point in my life. They are so secure in their relationships and so comfortable in their own skin that I feel like a newborn foal faltering and stumbling on undeveloped legs.

While I respect and admire these couples, I'm immensely intimidated by them and usually not physically attracted to them. So, they (probably much too unfairly) get put in the 'nope' pile of prospects for the evening. Now, on occasion, Tk and I have noticed a particularly striking couple who does fall into the 'older' category and have shared a raised eyebrow. This couple is usually in good shape (regulars at the gym, I'm sure), dressed up a bit, and very obviously in love. More often than not, it's not their first marriage and they are still in the 'honeymoon' stages of their relationship. Only now, they have a better and deeper understanding of the bond between them and are still celebrating that complexity and completeness.

On the other hand, you have the 'young clubbers'. These are the strippers and webcam babes. We often refer to them as 'Pissy Bra-top girl and her mindless mate, Mike.' These are the couples that place SO much emphasis on the exterior that they inadvertently make themselves inaccessible. They are not necessarily there for the act of sex itself. It's the affirmation that they seek. The 'Hey! We were the first ones picked for kickball' kind of mentality. Very often, these couples travel only with another equally attractive couple. They will only engage in intimate activites among the four of them, but get more of a kick out the exhibitionist aspect. It's the 'Girls Gone Wild' of swinging, I guess.

So, outside of these two categories, there is a smaller fishbowl for us to visually stalk down and target. Not that we're the creepy couple in the corner, mind you. We just get a kick out of being aggressive with each other because we both know that when the situation arrives, we're both going to be shy and bumbling school kids. After doing our share of dancing and 'making the rounds' to play voyeur in the various nooks and crannies, we settled on some soft core action in a semi-private room. There were a handful of couples in various states of undress and vocal machinations. As an empath, just being in the middle of that energy is known to get my motor running.

I was a bit surprised to feel a hand on the back of my thigh as I was making out with TK. It was soft and tentative, so I immediately knew it was a woman. I turned to see who it was and make my assessment of whether or not I wanted to encourage the contact. I saw a shorter, chunkier version of Jennifer Grey on her knees and immediately had to smile. She was cute in that '80's girl next door' way. I looked around the room to see who she was here with and made eye contact with her companion (Intense Loverboy), who was watching the three of us intently while he fondled the woman next to him. JG,Jr. buried her head under my skirt after announcing to the room that my prim schoolgirl skirt was hiding a pair of naughty panties. Satisfied that I was happy being there, she turned her attention to TK and proceeded to 'cash in his drink ticket'. I was so intent on watching, that I didn't realize IL had moved up next to me.

WOW! A good-looking couple that was enthusiastic and sexy. Woo Hoo!!!!!!! TK and I shared our signature eyebrow raise and a cocked smile for emphasis. It was suggested that we retire to one of the more private rooms, where we felt a little less inhibited and claustrophobic.

Without getting into too much detail and making this incredibly boring and offensive for those of you who think the whole 'swapping thing' is oogie...
A great time was had by all and was followed by an interesting round of hair-pulling, shoulder-biting sex and a mutual masturbation session at home.
*I would like to mention here that I am a HUGE fan of MM! Anyone who is in a committed relationship and think that it's something that HAS to stay private, should analyze the benefits of sharing that act with your partner. Not only is it incredibly honest and vulnerable, but it's deeply educational. I'd like to think that I've become a better lover simply by observing the way that TK likes to be touched. It's hard to recall what action got the desired effect when you are caught up in the act. When you can remove yourself and simply watch, things become more clear. I love it, I recommend it, I do it as often as possible.

In any case, the experience last night was one that left me feeling sexy, sensual and empowered. I know that there are some people that have a problem with this. I, however, do not. We seek affirmation and acceptance in every aspect of our lives and this is no different. Any person, who is not complacent, desires exciting experiences that challenge and engage them. When it's an experience that can be shared with your partner, it becomes that much more exciting and moving.
I believe in these things.
I believe in the fundamental dogma that there IS a soulmate out there for everyone and that when these two people meet and fall in love, a wealth of possibilities within the universe is automatically made available. Do you say 'yes' to these experiences, or do you say 'no'? I say 'yes'. By doing this, I open myself up to new experiences and adventures. I also say 'yes' to the knowledge and the education that comes with it. Sometimes these are hard lessons. They hurt. Nobody likes to share that part, but there are growing pains. You have to tear your muscles to build them up. Any gym enthusast will tell you this. The same things happen in relationships. Now, some people decide that the pain isn't worth the desired outcome and they give up. There are also those that know the muscle is going to be better if you keep working on it. The pain will lessen and get less frequent and what you will have in the end is something that is much more strong, solid and attractive. TK and I are solid in the knowledge that the outcome (in this case, an honest and giving relationship in which no practical need or desire is denied) is worth the conflict and the growing pains that come with it. In short, it has made us stronger as individuals and as a committed couple. We share every experience, good or bad. We never play alone and we are always there to support, encourage and protect. That's the kind of relationship that I've always wanted and never thought I'd be lucky enough to find.

Call it 'oogie' if you will... I call it enlightened.

Until next time, dear readers...

 

[MoonGoddess]

Will someone please explain the porn thing???

I hadn't planned on writing about this particular subject today, but I'm trying my hat at this stream-of-consciousness approach of writing on the fly.

I know this sucks for those analytical phlegmatics out there who want a concise story with the appropriate hooks and transitions. Sorry... ain't gonna happen. I'm much too ADD for that sh*t. Be glad I'm naturally good at spelling and leave it at that.

Last night, we met up with JC, Jr. and BDE. *For those of you who aren't privvy to my other journal, this is John Cusack (Jr.) and Bette Davis Eyes. The names seem wholly inappropriate now, but you're getting a glimpse of my initial impression when we first met them over a year and a half ago. They have since become two of our best friends, so I'm sure I'd be able to come up with something much more intriguing and original... maybe I'll work on that.

Anyhoo... we went to their place yesterday afternoon for some much-needed 'communing'. It was fun, frolicky and innately comfortable as usual. Sex with the two of them has always been a 'no pressure' kind of thing and has been a keen part of my metamorphosis from churchgirl to bedroom slut. :up: I needed the comfort of being amongst friends after Saturdays sexcapades with no-name couple. I'm kinda girlie like that.
Afterwards, we came home to relieve a cranky cousin Ed (not his real name, but you Chevy Chase fans will get it.) Had our dessert of round-robin oral sex and it was off to bed for me (since I had to work this morning) and off to the computer with TK (since he works in the evenings and is an insane night-owl).

I smoked a cigarette and lay in bed staring at the TV (I couldn't even tell you what I was watching) and began to think about my man in the next room. I could picture exactly what he was doing. I knew he'd check emails, start up Kazaa, look for some music or comedy files, see something pornographic on one of the searches, get interested and start looking for other porn, download porn, search web for more porn to download, watch comedy files that have completed.... "Oops! This 'Exploited Teens: Lesbian Webcam' file has finished.... gotta watch that!" etc, etc....

Now, I don't have a problem with porn. I've watched it, sexed to it, made one with TK, etc, etc. I'm not religiously convicted as to the morality of it or any of that crap... But I'm absolutely BAFFLED by it's demon-grasp on my sensitive, gentle lover.

Here's where my dilemma lies:
I have enough time in the day to get up for work (this morning didn't even warrant time for a shower... yuck!), work my 9 hours (with a one hour lunch that was spent grabbing lunch and smokes for the kids and TK and running immediately back to the office), get home, eat and feed the kids, build a ladybug shelter with my daughter, answer emails, check the 9 voicemails on the home phone (from today alone!), put the kids in bed, update my journal, and maybe watch a TV show or read something before falling asleep. (Until TK comes home from rehearsal and I either a) wake up to talk or sex with him a bit -or- b) stay asleep and wake up only long enough to give him a wifely kiss and a mumbled 'I love you'.) Time is hard to come by these days.

So... as a clingy, sensitive, over-emotional, Piscean chick, I see these hours upon hours of downloaded porn and know that it would take TK and I years to actually watch it all. :bleagh:
So that must mean that he'll be watching a majority of it alone. Okay. Fair 'nuff. But I'm one of those girls who wants to be as much a part of my lover's sex life as possible.
** (See earlier entry about mutual masturbation.)**
While I understand, respect and support the guideline that masturbation alone is healthy, I have difficulty justifying it if there is the warm and willing body of TK nearby. Or MY warm and willing body, for that matter.

I've heard the argument that porn is as fun for guys to watch as Cartoon Network or MTV. However, the cynic in me doesn't buy it. I mean, if you have a plate of food in front of you, it's probably because you're gonna eat it. If you have an hour of porn in front of you, it's probably because you're gonna beat it. That's just what I've learned from experience, so it's hard for me to think otherwise.

I guess I started to look at porn as something that is done in anticipation of my absence, rather than my participation. Some guys are lucky enough to have chicks that really don't care. So... should I?? I know that TK spanks the monkey. I spank mine probably as often. Does he care that I diddle the clam? Not really, but he has voiced that he'd like to know so that a) he can join in if he's able -or- b) he can hear me describe it in detail in my 'phone voice'. I guess I equate his several-gig downloads to my coming home with an armful of dildos and vibrators. You know they aren't just paperweights... (In fact, TK bought me a wonderful little toy called the I-Vibe Rabbit. For any of you girls who are in the market for a new buddy, I highly recommend this badboy!) So, I have to think that in his own way, he's encouraging me to find pleasure in my sexual independence. And maybe that's what I need to do for him.

Keep in mind, dear readers, that you are getting my warped, sinister, female interpretation of events... for some of you women, it will be familar, for some of you men, it will be insightful. For me, it's about letting go.

TK and I have both been in relationships that have been so sexually dysfunctional that we are amazed we didn't end up Quakers or streetwalkers. We've both been unfaithful to spouses, lovers and ourselves. For these reasons, I've been highly sensitive to all things sexual out of fear that TK and I would walk the same paths we had with former partners. I needn't be.

TK and I have concentrated so much effort on reveling in our synchronicity that we have neglected to celebrate our differences. Hey, we're different!! He's a guy, I'm a chick. He's an asshat, I'm a psycho. It's just the way the world works. People constantly judge others based on distinct characteristics and personality traits that aren't shared. "Ewww!!! You like escargot??" Don't judge it... glorify it! "Dude... you eat snails... that's fantastic!" It's about humanity, humility and the faith that soulmates can complement each other with their differences and still remain true to the whole. TK has never cheated on me and I highly doubt that he ever will. (Well, willingly, anyway... a sudden visual of women tying him up and abusing him mercilessly just popped into my brain.)

IN CONCLUSION, porn women are fantasy. They've got the right techniques, the right look, the right sound, the right lighting and wardrobe, etc. And it's OKAY for TK to find that attractive. I'm DIFFERENT from those women, and I CELEBRATE my dissimilarity. We are the yin and yang of female sexuality. They're beautiful to look at and don't come with any of the baggage that today's chicks are burdened with from the age of 13. But they don't have the complexity, the intelligence, the wit, the charm, the spunk or the talent that I do. (Besides, I was mentioned in the local Sunday paper as Best Actress in the local theatre scene here.)

...Let's see YOU play Lady Macbeth, Miss Jameson.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Domesticity... Satan's plan.

BILTOB (brother-in-law-to-be) took me into work today so he could borrow the truck for the day. I called this afternoon to check on his departure time. No answer. I'm used to that. We have a cordless phone that usually ends up in the farthest corner of the house from the nearest human. I call again. No answer. Okay... maybe everyone has left. I knew TK had rehearsal soon and I was pretty sure that BILTOB had already left. My phone rings and I answer in my typical fashion. On the other end of the line, I hear, "If you ever want to f*cking talk to me again, you need to change the number of rings on the goddamned voicemail!"
WOAH!!!!!!!!!! :tsk:
Needless to say, an absolutely assinine argument insues about how it's MY voice on the recording, so it must have been ME who made the command decision that four rings was an adequate amount of time to reach the phone. (Even though it has ALWAYS been this way.) I tried to explain that having worked for the phone company before, I know that the number of rings for residential voicemail is programmed at the Central Office. This tidbit of information is useless to TK as he is frustrated with something and I happen to be the lucky caller number 9.
Fine. He's got another call and has to go. I hang up without getting the information I called for in the first place. I go outside to wait for my ride who has, unbeknownst to me, ended up in butt-f*cking-Gilbert rather than Peoria where I'm patiently waiting.

So, needless to say, I'm not in the happiest of moods, but I wanted to update my journal, if nothing else, to purge the crap of the day. It's funny how all the sh*t just kind of burns away once you've let it out.

Hopefully, it will be a successful round of verbal vomit...
Details to follow in next post:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Working for the man.

I love my job.
No, really... I do. :bleagh:

I had my one-on-one with my manager this morning. I assumed it would be relatively uneventful since it's only my second week on the job.

Lesson #1: Never assume. :tsk: (You know the drill.)

It seems that I was brought on board to fulfill a specific purpose (eventually) within my department. I wasn't told at the outset because they wanted to gauge how I'd handle the transition. I work in a brand-new department of a medical college. There are only 5 of us now, but we expect to grow exponentially since E-learning and distance education are in such high demand.

I was proposed a fast-track to management today. :exp:

I was not at all aware that this was even a possibility. I work in Admissions for our online campus and my first love for the job is working for and with my students. I was just fine with being a counselor for the rest of my days with my company. I just lack ambition, you say? No. For reals. I like my job. I'm good at what I do.

I wasn't aware that they had already decided that I would take over the training of new reps. This shift has changed my attitude immensely. I mean, this is supposed to be a 'job'. Something to support my acting habit. However, I'm supposed to go to a 2-day management seminar in Dallas in October and come back one of those sparkling new manager-thingies.

It's sounding less like a job and more like a career to me now. Which, as a corporate-phobe, scares the crap outta me!!! I'm an artist, an actor, a gypsy. I'm not supposed to have stable employment much less provide stable employment for others!!! Besides, responsibility makes me cranky.

It's an exciting prospect, but it begs analysis. Am I willing to cut back on my artistic endeavors in order to be more financially stable? Managment means a hell of a lot bigger commitment than I have EVER made to an employer.

To reeeeeeaaaallllly twist the knife, I got a call tonight from one of my former directors who is in a show called 'The Shadowbox'. It seems that they recently lost their 'Maggie' and they open in two weeks. My name was dropped and enthusiastically received by members of the cast, so I got the call to replace her.

HOLY SH*T!!!!!! What am I supposed to do now??? :mope:

I know that there is no way that I can accept. I told them I'd think about it and let them know by tomorrow morning. I already know I can't, but I want to sleep on the bliss of being asked.

I know I'm not willing to give up theatre altogether. Already I'm on the brink of being unbearable for lack of a creative outlet. (Save for this one; though I've never fancied myself a writer, so it has left me wanting.)

However, my 'career'... ugh... I hate that word. Let's try that again.
However, my 'job' is already my main focus. I know my limitations and there's no way I can juggle the job, the kids, the industrial show later this month, the house, the laundry, AND another show. (Not to mention only two weeks prior to opening.) But I feel like I'm being given a universal ultimatum. It's like the fates have divided and are standing on either side of me just waiting to see what decision I'll make. I can't have both and still have time for sex and Tetris. (Don't you just love my priorities?!)

So, I haven't made any solid decisions regarding my 'career path' and whether I'll decline the management opportunity in order to have time for the things I'm really passionate about. I feel selfish at the prospect. I mean, I could still do a show every once in a while if I was in a management position -and- it would bring immense financial stability to our family -and- allow TK to really pursue his theatre career without having to worry about supporting me and my kids.

Do I sacrifice my creative passion so that TK can have the freedom to follow his? Do I settle for the status-quo knowing that we'll struggle?

I'm good at what I do and I enjoy my daytime work. Why does it have to be more complicated than that? Why do I have to choose between my loyalty to myself and my loyalty to my family?

F*ck the man. F*ck him right in the ass.

 

[MoonGoddess]

We'll call him 'Steve'...

...and we both work for the same company.

Everyone has a 'Steve' in their life. (aka Smarmy Car Salesman) Let me describe him and see if you recognize who I'm talking about:

'Steve' is in his mid to late 30's. He is somewhat short, slightly overweight, wears cheap suits on a daily basis, has 'boy-band' hair and a small cylinder of Binaca in his hand. (Even though Listerine strips are much more 'in' this season.) Steve can give you a nod of the head, flash his phony colgate smile and undress you with his eyes in .003 seconds. Now, there are subcategories for the 'Steves' out there. Type A lives with his mother. 'Nuff said. Type B lives with his wife and kids, but is either seriously courting or f*cking at least two women in the office. (Usually the very, very, very naive ones as no one else can EVER have a conversation with him regarding anything but business without internally groaning and rolling their eyes.) On the weekends, Steve fancies himself the next Tom Cruise. (From the Top Gun days, of course.) :up:

Steve is an asshat. :bleagh:

Now, for those of you who are actually named Steve, please do not take offense. I have met some really nice guys named Steve... but I've also met some honest-to-God Steves that were actually named Steve. So... there ya have it.

Steve works in the same building, but in a different department. However, his desk is the one closest to the door leading to the hallway, which allows him a clear view of everyone coming in or out.

This proves advantageous when I step outside for a smoke break.

About three drags into my luscious little cancer stick, Steve will invariably arrive at the door under the guise of stepping out and 'getting some fresh air'.
Keep in mind that it's like, 50 BILLION degrees outside.
Farenheit.

Steve has ALWAYS opened the conversation with some assinine comment that references my smoking habit. These are direct quotes from the various times that Steve has tried to initiate conversation:
"Is your job REALLY that stressful that we've driven you to smoking?"
"Not hot enough out here for ya, eh? Had to light one up in addition..."
"Oh.. it's just you... I thought there was a pack of girl scouts lighting fires out here."
"They're gonna have to install an ashtray out here for ya."
The latter is my favorite as I was standing next to a three and a half foot STONE AND CONCRETE ashtray!! :bleagh:

Steve is also very proud of his department.
Steve works in collections.

After his latest social gaffe, he meekly asked what department I worked in. I explained that I am an admissions counselor, which garnered me a snort and another colgate smile. (Don't ask me what it means... I have no friggin' clue!!!) He asked a bunch of inane questions that I can't even recall now. All were answered in two words or less, hoping that he would get the hint and allow me to take my break from work and smoke my cigarette in peace.

He leaned against one of those yellow posts against the building (his elbow firmly implanted in birdshit to my extreme amusement) and tried his best to look suave. He talked about his numbers (good GOD!) at work and how he was being targeted to take over the department because of his excellent returns. My mind drifts to all the collectors that have called me over the years. (And there have been plenty.) Boy, I sure would have LOVED for Steve to have been one of them. I'd have ripped him a new one and sent him home crying to his wife or mom. Or both.

In any case, my smoke break is over and infinitely less peaceful than I would have hoped. I put out my cigarette in the HUGE stone ashtray and move to go back inside. Steve holds open the first set of double doors and as I pass through, I see his reflection in the second set of doors immediately in front of me. He is not-too-discreetly checking out my ass and mumbling something about going to lunch sometime. :blank:

Maybe it was the lack of sleep, the heat or my loss of those fleeting moments of solace at the office, but I snapped. After telling Steve that I had wiped my shoe with better men than him, I also explained that the only people I lunch with are my fiancee and companions that are funny and interesting, of which, neither category was applicable to him.

I left him still holding the glass door open, the back and pits of his suitjacket now discolored with moisture from the heat outside. I feel no pity. He wasn't invited. :blank:

Consider this a warning to you men that think women don't know what's going on. We know more than we let on, but are usually too kind and graceful to expose you to yourself. Unfortunately, Steve fancied himself in bed with the wrong girl and got a big dose of cynical optimism, courtesy of yours truly.

I'm not his type.
I'm moderately intelligent. :flip:

Steve... is indeed.... an asshat.

...and we all know Steve, don't we?

 

[MoonGoddess]

The King

I've gotten a request to tell more about TK (the king) and my relationship.

Okay.

First off, yes, the avatar is really a picture of me that TK took. I'd be happy to post the color version if you really want to see it.

Now...
My relationship with TK came at a time in my life when I had sworn off men. I had just left a marriage born of desperation and loneliness. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that I was lonelier IN the relationship than I would be OUT of it. It was a tough decision to make, but once it was made, I immediately felt freed.

At the time, I was getting more and more involved in the theatre scene out here. Being mostly a musical comedy brat, I wanted to round out the ol' resume a bit more by trying my hat at REALLY doing some acting. I decided to audition for Noel Coward's Blithe Spirit. At the callbacks, I met TK. I was immediately attracted to him physically, but harshly reminded myself that men were the devil and moved on.

TK and I ended up both being cast in the show. He played Charles, the lead, and I played Elvira, the ghost of his dead wife. He had just finished doing a show with PM (psycho mouse) and she was cast as his current wife. (Boy, did she HATE me!!!)

To make a long story not so long, TK and I started chit-chatting at rehearsals and he and PM invited me to hang at his place after rehearsal. I declined the first time, but eventually joined them to watch 'Best in Show'. TK's brother showed up after work and I began to wonder if TK and PM were somehow trying to hook me up with BILTOB. He was too young and not my type. Besides, I was infinitely more attracted to TK, but knew that we were both emotionally unavailable.

We had a working meeting with our dramaturg at the local 'hip and artsy' restaurant for some background research on the show. We ate oysters and sipped on martinis and gin & tonics. My knee kept brushing TKs under the table and I couldn't help but be turned on by the atmosphere and our proximity. He finally made a move at the end of the night.

The valet brought my car around and TK asked if I wanted to hang. I enthusiastically accepted the invite and followed him back to his apartment. We talked on the couch for hours and finally went out onto his balcony so I could smoke. We kept talking out there even after I was finished smoking and I broached the subject of the sexual tension between us at rehearsals. (Mostly to gauge the level of involvement between him and PM.) TK remarked that it was less sexual tension than sexual attraction. (Insert moist panties here.)

He turned to me and asked, quite simply, "Can I kiss you?"

A note to ALL men: THIS IS EXACTLY THE WAY TO GO!!!! If the girl isn't attracted to you, it's an easy out, but she will feel good that you respected her enough to ask rather than get all grabby and shoot straight to the tonsil hockey. However, if she is attracted to you, this line will ASSUREDLY make her panties wet with desire for a man who isn't afraid to tell her what he wants from her.

My moist panties became drenched at this point. What could I do?? Yes, I was emotionally unavailable at the time, but this totally hot guy that I was intellectually and spiritually attracted to asked if he could kiss me. Just a kiss, right? What's the harm in that??

So, two hours later, we're into the third round of hot monkey sex. I've had three orgasms so far and I'm so imcredibly impressed with myself and this guy that I feel like a complete Sex Goddess!! I had no guilt over the fact that I slept with him on our first date. Shit, it wasn't even a date. It was a working meeting followed by hanging out at his place. I didn't care. I felt alive for the first time in years.

By the third hour, TK had showered and gone out for air twice.
The second time he stated that he 'needed air', I ventured into the living room to catch his brother and him on the balcony while TK was puking his guts out over the railing.
uke:

Now, normally, my cynic would have become all insecure and embarassed by this. However, the optimist in me shouted, "YEAH! I just f*cked him so long and hard that he freakin' PUKED!!!!"

TK was incredibly embarassed and went out of his way to assure me that it wasn't me. (Even though, in a way, I wanted it to be!) I made a somewhat hasty retreat, knowing that TK would be more comfortable purging his oysters (the real reason for the balcony show) in peace.

We emailed back and forth and discussed the situation at length. We both agreed that having just called it quits on our respective relationships, neither of us were in a place where we could (in good conscience) begin a new relationship. We both agreed that the sex was awesome and we could at least be a 'show fling' or 'extended f*ck buddies' if we decided to continue screwing after the show had ended.

We've been joined at the hip ever since Oyster Night. :love:

We moved in together 4 months later.

He proposed last May.

I said 'yes'.

We're planning our wedding. (Though we're both leaning towards an elopement at the moment.)

Since finding him, or rather, since fate chucked him on my doorstep and shackled our hearts together, I've never felt more complete. I've been able to really find myself while still being completely dedicated and committed to a relationship. (I should add that I have a really sordid past regarding relationships and cannot recall at this moment if I have ever had a partner I didn't cheat on. I think I f*cked around on every one of them.)

TK is the first man that I've WANTED to be faithful to. He completes me in a way that I never thought possible. He is the first man to share everything I have inside me. My fears, my dreams, my deepest secrets and grandest fantasies. There isn't anything I fear to disclose to him and I know that I'm never judged or thought less of because I'm choosing to let him into my world. I don't know if this is normal to most relationships, but it was never the norm for me. I've always held men at a comfortable distance, as I was more comfortable that way.

I've never been good with vulnerability.

Intimacy has always made me feel vulnerable and I don't like having my weaknesses displayed to the opposite sex. If I was truly open, the chances of being hurt are greater. So, for that reason, I have never been one to hang my heart on my sleeve.

Until now.

For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I don't agree with all of the choices I've made in life. I know that much of the heartache that I've suffered, and others have suffered at my hands, could have been avoided.

It took me a long time to learn that lesson, but I will always be thankful to TK for teaching me things that I never would have learned without him. He is my heart, my soul, my love. :love:

I am completely his and he is completely mine.

Pretty sick, isn't it? :inlove:

I wouldn't change it for the world.

 

[MoonGoddess]

The nature of Steve... continued...

I received a PM from thewakgamer that had this to say:

"I read with some interest your article on the nature of "Steve". I thought that perhaps you might be interested in hearing a little about Steve's female alter-ego.

Stevina, as we might call her, is thoroughly sure of her own incredible beauty. She is also convinced that everybody around her thinks as highly of herself as she does; in fact, she believes that she is quite irresistable to any man with an operating penis.

She prefers to wear low riding pants and small shirts, just enough to show the small roll of fat around her bellybutton (which she is sure doesn't exist). As any of the aforementioned men with penises walk by, she looks at them with a look calculated to say "Ha, walk along mantoy... you're not good enough" but which obviously says "I'm old and I'm not getting any younger, buy me a drink and I'm yours".

Of course, should you do that, Stevina will never ever leave you be.

Just a little thought that maybe you'd enjoy."

I just HAD to add this in to my journal, because it's another character that we are all familar with. (Some more than others!) And I have a tendency to vent about idiot guys without giving the same courtesy to idiot girls.

It can also be said that Stevina is the girl standing at the front door of every party. She wants to be the first chick that the men see (in case one of them is desperate enough to actually approach the FIRST woman they see at this party). She also likes this location because it enables her to stare down the women, judging their clothes, make-up, and hair, while shooting daggers at them as if to say, "If you horn in on my shit, you're going down." (Regardless of whether you arrive at the party with a date or not.)

Stevina usually has a cute friend that she keeps around to attract the men, subconsciously knowing that she can't do it herself. Stevina is the one who gets 'cute guy's' friend so that 'cute guy' can hook up with Stevina's cute girlfriend.

On occasion, Stevina will approach you and state, "I saw you looking at me. Do I know you?" At this point, you will mentally flog yourself for staring a moment too long at the window treatment she happened to be standing in front of. If you shrug her off, she'll go back to 'cute girlfriend' and bitch about what an asshole you are. If you try to be nice, she will never leave your side and all hopes of hooking up with 'hot girl on the dance floor' will be shot to hell. :wishy:

Gotta love the Steve's, dude.

Without them, life would be waaaaay too easy.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Heartbroken

PISCES (Feb 19–Mar 19): Whatever comforts and security you normally seek are temporarily put on hold. Instead, you get to be outrageous now as you explore things that you would normally pass on by. This isn’t a permanent change. Use the high-strung nervous energy of the day to turn things upside-down and inside-out, just because you can…and because it feels good.


Well, I guess that says it all, eh?? I left TK up north today. He is there on a gig that performs through the end of the month. Driving back, my heart got heavier with each mile marker that I passed, even though I wasn't openly conscious of them. Didn't have much radio reception and the skipping o the CD was becoming akin to nails on a chalkboard. Finally got some reception after coming down the hill. The first song I hear is 'Love in an Elevator' by Aerosmith. It brings me back to the patio last night in Sedona. I got smoked out by the guys and we storyboarded our own porn farce of Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory. We mentioned the glass elevator specifically. This makes me smile.

If I can impart any wisdom to anyone, it's that time is fleeting. Moments are only moments and they pass. Treasure the ones that make your heart swell and the earth spin. Forget the moments that hurt. They are only moments. And good or bad, you will face the day when they are gone.

My life with TK has taught me so much. But one lesson that I have to learn and relearn -even as an adult- is that time is fleeting. Never take for granted what you have and who may be there to share it with.

I have a problem with fear. I let moments of fear define who I am and what I do very often in my life. Anyone else who has this issue knows that it's a shitty way to live. I fear the unknown and unexplored. It doesn't stop me from wanting to explore it, but it makes me a bit anal retentive in a lot of situations. Most of the time, I'm just unbearably fearful.

I almost lost TK because of this.

I fear my relationship with him. Isn't that crazy??? We are so connected and so 'at one' with each other. It's a bond between two people that I never thought possible. Regardless, I fear it. Actually, to be more correct, I fear losing it.

So, I base most of what I do on the fear of losing my lover. Not cool. Life shouldn't be like that. Fear is fleeting. It's a moment in time when you give in to the doubts that love to hang around in our brain and periodically pick at us like carrion. We can hold onto that and make that moment an eternal truth, or we can move on to the next.

I soooo need to work on this.

My life will be crazy without TK. Picking up the extra slack around the house will be tough. But I will be empty until he comes home to me. I'm just not complete without him. I'm hoping that this three weeks will just be a hiccup in time compared to the years upon years that we will spend together. If I give into the fear, it's an eternity without him.

The house is empty and my soul is quiet. It's probably best that I take this time to ponder the upcoming weeks and figure out when I can see TK again.

(For Christssake, he's only 2 hours away!!!!)

In any case, I know that he is missing me every bit as much as I am missing him. He has a job to do and is surrounded by good people, so I know that there will be places for him to divert his attention. However, in those still moments at night, when he lays his head down to sleep, I know his last thoughts before drifting into nothingness will be of me. And mine of him.

It's there that we shall meet and smile.

For now.

 

[MoonGoddess]

Blood is thicker than the PS2

Welcome back to the real world.

I came home today and after taking a bit of a nap and hearing the voice of my lover, I ventured forth to see what needed to be done around the house.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

I cleaned up the kitchen, which was buried under dishes from Cousin Ed's cooking. (The guy loves to cook, but refuses to pick up after hisself! Cousin Ed is an asshat.)

He is either 30 or 31 (I can't remember) and has been mooching off of myself and TK for about the last 5-6 weeks straight. He claims he's going back to Massachusettes at the end of the month, so basically, he's milking this free ride for all he can get. Not that it's a free ride, really, he still has to pay his share of rent and utilities, but that's ALL he does.

Cousin Ed works about 2-3 afternoons a week at the gas station. Just enough to earn what he has to pay us in rent. He does not clean after himself, nor will he bother with community chores like taking out the trash or just picking up after his own shit. It's driving me insane.

TK had some money set aside for his expenses while he is in Sedona, but it mysteriously disappeared between Wednesday and Friday. Now, cousin Ed (who is ALWAYS broke) comes into the house with armfuls of groceries (which are all labeled so that no one else might eat or drink his stuff.) It doesn't matter that he has been eating us out of house and home (going so far as to deplete my supply of snacks for the kids.) He is still very specific about what belongs to him at this point. I think he's getting more ballsy because TK is gone and he suspects that I won't confront him. (I'm really a pussy when it comes to these things.)

At 7:30, he decided to make an appearance in the living room and kick the kids off of the Playstation. He does this by directing my son as to how the game is played until both of them are frustrated. Cousin Ed pulls the 'Here, let me show you how it's done' and screws up any chance for them to be kids and just enjoy playing. As soon as the kids are in bed, Cousin Ed retreats back to his bedroom, apparently satisfied that he is now the Alpha Male in the house.

Cousin Ed is an asshat.

I don't know that he will survive in the house until the end of the month. I hate the way he treats my children. I can handle his shit attitude and TK has a tendency to be more patient with him than I. (Since he's TK's family...) With TK gone, though, I'm more sensitive to my role as protector. Normally I don't have to be, but I'm now in the position of mother lioness and her cubs.

If he f*cks with me, he's goin' down!!!

Today is a freebie. I've had a stressful weekend and I had to come back to a house that was trashed by Uncle Ed (in a 24-hour period) and I was the one who had to clean up the devastation, so I'm already being a little pissy. I don't want to come out of left field with anything, so I will be as patient and understanding as possible. But it ain't gonna last long. He's walking a thin line and the moment he steps onto either side, his ass is mine!

 

[MoonGoddess]

P.s.

Since my entries today are a bit frazzled and unconnected, I didn't think it bad to include my horoscope for tomorrow.

PISCES (Feb 19–Mar 19): If you don’t fit neatly into the relationship box that you’ve co-created, now is time to lay it all on the table. A worthy relationship will be able to stretch and grow to allow for your individuality. An unworthy relationship may have a more difficult time. Even if today isn’t a long-term make-or-break day for your love life, it can offer you clues as to how you are doing.



Well, I guess that says it all, eh? It's the beginning of a new phase. I don't necessarily like it, but I think my relationship is worthy.

Strike that... I KNOW my relationship is worthy.

But am I???

 

[MoonGoddess]

Miss Misery

Last night I slept on 'my' side of the bed.

Now, I'm a bed hog... I'm the kind of gal who likes to sprawl across the bed entangled in sheets with pillows cushioning various parts of my body. Generally, I subconsciously migrate to wherever TK is sleeping and have often forced him into a three-inch wide space on the edge of the bed.

I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in. No migrating, no sprawling, just a melancholy night's rest.

*sigh* :mope:

I resisted the urge to masturbate, knowing that it would make the sex THAT much better when TK and I are finally together again. Do I think I'll make it?? Probably not. But I want to at least make the effort.

Walked into work and heard John Mayer singing 'Why Georgia' on our muzak system. Of course, everything I hear reminds me of TK. Just the universe twisting the knife...

Sat in a workshop all day about how to be better at what I do. It was our department (E-learning) and the National Admissions department. It was amazing to see that most of them didn't even know we existed. Spent lunch and breaks talking to them about the differences in our jobs. The girl behind me had one blue eye and one brown. I wanted to ask if she had lost a contact, but I kept my mouth shut. I stared. I knew that she knew I was staring.

Two guys from National Admissions started talking about music and I had just downloaded some of Tragically Hip's stuff. I joined in to the conversation and the conversation turned to garage bands. I mentioned that I sing and they said they were looking for a singer for their band. They described their music as 'Godsmack-y' and 'Alternative Rock'. I'm not sure I have the voice for it, but they said they wanted a chick singer and I was welcome to audition for them.

I don't know that I will.

I could tell that they didn't take me seriously when I said I sang. I'm used to it. I don't look much like the 'rocker chick' in my corporate duds.

All in all, the day went relatively smooth. The kids had a great time with Miss M watching them. They all went to the park, went swimming, had pizza for lunch, etc. They were happy and tired by the time I came home to make dinner. I talked to TK briefly as he called while I was in my workshop. He sounds good. I know that it's tough to try to work in calls to me between my work schedule and his rehearsal schedule. It's one more item on the agenda and I feel bad for that. I know that he wants to be in constant contact, but I also know that it's difficult with both of us so swamped.

It's just not practical for either of us to be demanding on each others' time. I prefer to hear his voice every day, but I won't panic if it's just not possible. Whether we talk to each other or not, I know I'm on his mind. :love:

I miss him.

 

[MoonGoddess]

I love sex!

Okay, now I know that there is more to my relationship than sex and I don't want to make it seem like that's my biggest priority, but having TK out of town has just made me more conscious of the fact that I'm not gettin' any.... and won't be (except for the occasional adventure up north.)

I thought it would be an appropriate time to explain that while we do sometimes indulge in 'alternative sexual practices' (aka: swinging), we do not and will not 'cheat' on each other.

I know that there are many people out there who believe that ANY sexual contact with someone other than your immediate partner is cheating. TK and I disagree.

Cheating, by definition, is:
1 : to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud
2 : to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice
3 : to elude or thwart by or as if by outwitting

That's the technical answer, and I personally agree with it.

When we are involved in these activities TOGETHER, no one is being deprived, deceived, tricked, or eluded. TK and I are GIVING each other the beautiful gift of variety and adventure without taking anything away from the other person or the relationship. We have systematically thwarted the desire to cheat by sharing these wonderful adventures with each other.

I won't lie and tell you that TK and I didn't have many, many, many conversations on the subject of cheating and infidelity. We have both engaged in those kinds of behaviors in the past with other partners. I can also tell you that we were both concerned with the prospect of being apart for a month. (Especially when you consider what sexually driven creatures we both are.) We laughed, teased, ribbed, argued, and cried about the possibility of infidelity. (Especially when I think of the very attractive and morally loose women who are in Sedona. Yikes!) :bleagh:
I know that TK is physically attractive to the bulk of the female population. (And I don't think I'm being biased, here.) I also know that his talent and his intelligence make him even more attractive. He’s a smart, funny, good-looking guy. He also has an insatiable sex drive. Gee…. What would most women think??? Exactly! We worry. We wonder…. Okay, okay… I wonder if I’m enough to keep him faithful. I wished that I could take back all the times that I had been an asshole, just so I could be confident that he wouldn’t (deservingly) cheat on me while we were apart.

I know it’s not necessary, but I think it anyway. Hell, I’m a chick!

In any case, I know it isn’t something to dwell on, but wanted to explain to my readers that ‘swingers’ have troubles too. Yes, we like to market ourselves as the ‘highly enlightened, sexually flexible’ types. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have the same insecurities that any other All-American couple does. We still argue over laundry, taking out the trash, who the hell was that girl who called… etc.

We even get impatient and frustrated on the phone with each other. Not for lack of love, but because we’re both on edge with our own insecurities while systematically trying to allay the fears of our lover.

Being 'swingers' does have it's advantages. I know that the only possible allure of cheating is the desire to be dishonest. You CAN have variety and spice in your sex life (and yes, even include other people) without being dishonest. If the true desire is to 'deceive' or 'trick', well... that can be done without being in a relationship. (If that makes any sense...)

The fact that we have engaged in 'swinging' (and believe me when I say that I HATE that word and wish there were a better option).... where was I? Oh, yeah... The fact that we have engaged in swinging makes me a hell of a lot more confident that TK and I would never cheat on each other. There is no reason to.

I guess in the long run, every relationship has something that works for them. Most couples cling to their similarities or connections for strength. Whether it's religion, hobbies, careers... I guess the main thing is to find someone out there who shares your passion. And I don't mean someone who merely has something in common with you... I mean your TRUE passion! :love:

If you can find that person, (and I'm of the philosophy that there may be 2 or 3 people in the entire world truly meant for you), then you are lucky. So often, we mistake our commonalities for shared passion. Our generation is impatient. Rather than wait or search for the right person, we settle for whoever is the least amount of work to tolerate.

I look back on my past relationships sometimes and think, "If I had only put forth HALF of the effort that I do in my current relationship, it would have worked." It's sometimes easier to settle for just anyone to share your life with. But I will tell you, dear readers, that the rewards aren't nearly worth it!!

I'm glad that sex is a shared passion between TK and I. It is by no means our foundation. (Our passion for Wicca and The Arts is much deeper.) However, the fact that sex is a shared passion, keeps me confident that it would never be compromised by either of us. It is too important and too much of who we are as a couple... once you enter something as a shared entity, it becomes nearly impossible to be involved as an individual. I know that that's why TK is having such a hard time doing this show. It's not because of his abilities. He is a true master when it comes to the stage. Rather, it's because we have done so many shows together and shared that passion in tandem. Without me, I know it isn't nearly as enjoyable.

I love sex.

It will be at least 4 more days until I see TK.

4 more looooooooong nights. :nervous:

Must......resist........... masturbating......... :banana:

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

....I may not make it. :bleagh:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Shower Scene

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!

Okay, I know I said I wouldn't masturbate....BUT..........

I was taking a shower, and luckily (or unluckily) my son knocked on the door and asked if he could play on the PS2.

...right before the kitty said 'meow' if ya get my drift.... :tsk:

So, still no orgasm, so I guess I'm doing okay.
But now I'm all hot and bothered!!!!!

I never shoulda touched it.

4 more nights... that's all.

Just four.

96 hours.

5760 minutes.

345,600 seconds. (I think.)

*sigh*

 

[MoonGoddess]

Tech Guys ROCK!

I felt the need to give a quick shout to those guys and gals that make our workdays possible.

The TECHIES. :up:

Whether they work in 'Operations', 'Tech Support', 'The Helpdesk', etc... they all have the same function:

To fix our shit.

Computers, phones, faxes, email, they do it all!
I'm STILL without a computer three weeks into my new position here because the vendor (I don't like to mention names negatively, but in this case.... f*cking DELL ....) is still 'backed up' with their orders and hasn't been able to ship it out. F*ckers! :flip:

So, this really cute tech guy (who is totally hot until I realize he shares the same name as my son... now he's even cuter!!) anyway... he makes sure that my phone is forwarded to the extension where I'm currently sitting, so that I don't miss any important calls or anything and then he asks if he needs to escalate my computer issue.

Um.... sure?

So, I've been waiting almost three weeks for a computer and being told that f*cking DELL can't do anything about it.

Cute tech guy just called me back...
It'll be here tomorrow.

I love techies!

Do the world a favor and hug your favorite computer geek a little tighter tonight. :inlove:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Shock and Awe

Are you ready readers???

I have done something I never EVER thought I'd do.

I joined a gym.
And... I went there at lunch today.
To exercise.

Exercize has always been a bad word in my vocabulary.
Anything involving pain (on a voluntary basis) is against my religion.

I'm a weenie.

However, I'm getting close to my goal weight. 3 years ago, I was sitting happily at 203 pounds. Yes... you read correctly. I was two-hundred and three pounds and perfectly happy about it. (I thought.) I left my equally obese partner and went on the 'divorce diet'.

Anyone who has ever been on the divorce diet will tell you that it is quite effective. I didn't exercize any more or less than normal, but my dietary habits changed and I was happier. One more argument for the fact that changing your attitude can accomplish many things.

At the moment, I'm standing right at 148. A mere 13 pounds from perfection!!! (I hope, I dream.) In any case, I thought that getting thinner and dropping pounds would make me look better, right?

Um.... wrong.

I'm still flabby and dimpled in places where I shouldn't be.

So, with the peer pressure of the three other girls in my department (ALL of whom belong to aforementioned gym), I allowed myself to be talked into going JUST ONCE!! That's IT. I agreed to be their 'friend' and do the 'free visit' thing as a visitor. NO MORE. JUST ONCE.

Well, 'just once' has now turned into a $29.00/month, three-times-a-week commitment.

And I am now exercizing on my lunch breaks at work.
Which means sweating....
on purpose.

Oh, dear LORD... what have I gotten myself into?????

Be careful.... I have a feeling that plagues will soon commence as will some kind of arthropods falling from the sky....

 

[MoonGoddess]

Theatre life

I miss it.

Had a long conversation with a theatre friend that I don't often get to talk to. He's usually far too cerebral for me, but it was a welcome distraction from the day.

It seems that 'Pierre' (I call him that because he played a really funny French guy in a show once...) is taking over a rather lofty position at one of the local theatres here and called for MY opinion. I was totally flattered and a bit taken aback.

I mean, this guy has massive amounts of training in theatre and I'm the podunk nobody who learned it all by watching and copying people that I thought were good at it. Why should my opinion matter??

He wanted to shoot the breeze about the state of affairs and make sure to invite me to a sioree at his place this Saturday. I said I was going to try and make it to Sedona to see TK. He understood.

Anyhoo... he wanted to make sure that he had mine and TK's loyalty and support. (More to the theatre than to him, personally.) I explained that TK and I have always believed in alternative theatre and would ALWAYS support them, whether it meant standing on a street corner asking for donations or offering our artistic services at no cost. Pierre was pleased to hear this.

I have to find a replacement for the corporate gig I'm supposed to do this month. No one seems to be available and I'm desperate to get out of it. I have way too much on my plate right now and it's causing me some severe stress and insomnia.

I try not to let on about how hard it is when I talk to TK. I know that he gets panicked and wants to rush home and rescue me, but it's not possible nor practical. Besides, this is supposed to be a really positive experience for him. I don't want to taint it by moping around and venting to him.

That's what you are for, dear readers!!!!

So, in a nutshell, things at home are shitty. They run relatively smooth when it's just Miss M or BILTOB with the kids. As soon as Cousin Ed comes into the picture, they go down..... fast.

So, what have I done about it, you ask?

Nothing.

Not a damn thing.

I'm sure that small fact will piss TK off. He is usually on me about speaking my mind and being more assertive. However, there is so much tension in the house as it is that I'm afraid to cause more. The last thing I need is to have an estranged roommate around. I can't afford to take a day off of work to board up windows and change locks on doors. And that's exactly what it would come to if I opened my mouth. I'm so absolutely fed up that it would escalate mighty quick.

It's bad enough that my daughter tried to call me at work this afternoon and couldn't because Cousin Ed was on the extension in his room. But even AFTER he got off of the phone in his room, he came into the living room and grilled her about why she was trying to call me. (It wasn't anything but to complain of a sore throat and to ask me to settle a PS2 dispute, but STILL!!!!!!!!!) I walked in the door while he was grilling her and as soon as I walked in, he clammed up and walked out. I asked her what it was all about and she told me.

I truly don't know what to do.

I'm also afraid that confronting the issue right now would mean I couldn't go up to Sedona this weekend to see TK. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the house in fear that it would be completely emptied by the time I got back.

Then again, I know that TK never would have put up with half of this shit, so why should I???

On a positive note, I found the microcassette recorder that TK and I use for rehearsals. It begins with him putting down some thoughts outside of the hotel in San Francisco when we were on tour. There's also some lengthy stoner conversation between the gang while we were smoking and joking at the Ritz in Dana Point. I can now hear his voice whenever I want!!!!!!!!

Knowing me... I'll probably sleep with it next to my pillow for the next three nights.

Three nights....

I just might make it.

 

[MoonGoddess]

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.
> Men's Room
> Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

Been talking to the guy who wants me to join his band. His name is Mike. No, really, it is. I figure he’s so totally disconnected from me (except for the company) that it’s pretty safe to use his real name. At least it’s not Steve. We have always had very sterile conversations about music, bands and artsy-type stuff.

Until today.

He asked if I was single and I explained that I was as close to married as you can get without the piece of paper. (At this point, he looks at me quizzically and I surmise that he is only intelligent when it comes to music. Any other intellectual conversation is lost on this guy.) “I’m engaged,” I say. “Oh,” he says. “It looks like a wedding ring to me.” At this point, I try to make him understand that when a solitaire is presented to you with a wrap, you jump at the opportunity to wear ALL the diamonds possible. This, he understands.

In any case, he emails me later… out of boredom, it seems, and the talk turns back to the concert circuit and who is playing where… Out of nowhere, he asks, “If you were a piece of furniture, what would you be?” I answer, “A chaise lounge… more for show than practical use.” To which he answers, “Well, I can tell you now that you are the Ferrari of chaise lounges.”

I don’t mind telling you that as a chick, the Ferrari reference is totally lost on me. However, I think he’s flirting with me. Am I assuming too much?? I know I’m super-sensitive to being flirtatious with anyone outside of TK’s and my ‘inner circle’, so I don’t know if I’m just a little touchy in this regard.

In any case, he goes on to say, “They’re totally hot, but safe and fun. I could see how you would totally be like that, Hot meaning attractive (please don't take offense, I am not coming on to you), fun because you obviously like to go and have fun, safe because you seem like the kind of person who would take care of the people she cares about. It is a good thing, your fiancée is a very lucky guy......”

My response is: “Thanks for saying so. No, I’m not offended. Just remember, “No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap."
So, my fiancée’s ‘luck’ is all relative, my friend.

There’s your thought for the day.

So, he responds with, “Somehow I would tend to doubt that very much, I think you're cool and I just met you. I have to go now, I am getting an MRI and some other stuff done, I am getting my shoulder operated on in August, I will talk more with you tomorrow. It's been fun, thanks.”

So… there you have it. Our whole convo minus the talk on the smoker’s patio about Creed, Hoobastank, and how soon we think Ozzy will keel over.

I’m thrilled to have found an ‘artsy’ friend, but want to make sure that he doesn’t get the wrong impression from my desire to be friendly. I don't think he does, since he put in the whole disclaimer about 'don't take offense, I am not coming on to you'. I guess when you spell it out like that, I have no room to suggest otherwise. I really need to be a little more optimistic when it comes to people.

I broke my toe this morning. (Yeah... call me Grace.) I rolled over my own goddamned toe while sitting in the very chair that rolled over it. Damn, I’m talented! Anyhow, my fat ass was too much for my little second toe to take. It’s all black and blue right now and there’s a big chunk of skin missing from my big toe. Sexy, eh. Guess I’ll be wearing sandals for a while. Thank God it’s Phoenix!

******************************************************

Okay… yeah… so….
This whole working full-time thing is so totally not working out right now.
I spent my lunch going home to make lunch for the kids. BILTOB is with them today, but basically went to bed at 10 (understandable, since he works nights) and the kids have been calling me constantly since then. Now, while I understand and respect the fact that he’s tired, he DID agree to help me out by taking care of the kids on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Going to bed in the back room of the house and telling the kids not to answer the door isn’t exactly what I had in mind.

They are basically unsupervised and I’m finding it impossible to concentrate on my work under these circumstances.

After making them lunch, I spent the rest of the hour cleaning up my kitchen, carrying trash, etc. AND… I discovered that the joint I was saving in my bedroom is GONE. It was smoked all the way down to a microscopic roach that was left in the little glass puffer I had on my dresser.

I’m done with this crap. I’m really starting to weigh the benefits of getting one of those ‘extended-stay’ hotel suites for the next two weeks. My nerves can’t handle what is going on, and I can’t afford to take time off to straighten things up at home. I’m stuck with the status-quo and getting more and more psychotic with every passing day.

I’m feeling pulled in so many different directions. I have this corporate gig that I desperately need to get out of and can’t. They are more willing to try and schedule rehearsals around me, than let me go. The problem is… NO TIME is good for me right now. Then I have my boss calling from Chicago, leaving cryptic messages on my vm about how no one is to go home early and she “has people watching,” which makes me feel guilty even though I haven’t done anything!!! I’ve got the kids and the household to worry about, I need to find new daycare for the kids next week (since Miss M is only available 3 days a week) AND I have to find time to get the truck tuned so I can pack up the kids and myself to make the trek up to Sedona on the weekends.

It ain’t gonna happen… something’s gotta give, and I hope to GOD it doesn’t end up being me.


*************************************************

 

[MoonGoddess]

Politically INcorrect

**Here is your disclaimer: The below dissertation is absolutely, positively, 100% offensive. I don't want to hear your lame-assed whining and belly-aching about how I should be more sensitive and PC. You have been forewarned and understand that by reading further, you are owning up to the fact that you are as warped and politically incorrect as I. If you feel it necessary to email me, it better be with praise and innumerable accolades detailing my beauty, wit, and candor.**

DRIVERS IN PHOENIX ALL SUCK ASS!!

I am a native of Arizona and proud to be one.
There are only three of us left.

I am going to explain to you the top two reasons why everyone moves away from Phoenix.
1.) The fucking heat.
2.) The fucking traffic.

We pay state taxes so that the Arizona Dept. of Transportation will keep us supplied with nicely paved roads to get us from point A to point B. I don't have to worry about toll roads or bridges and for this I am thankful.

However, the ADOT is run by idiots. The guys out there working are simply working their asses off to provide for their families. The suits that decide what goes where and how many lanes and such.....
these guys are asshats of the first degree.
If it were up to me, I would Donkey Punch each and every one of them before giving them a turkey-baster enema.

Our roads are littered with potholes. Lanes condense and expand with absolutely no rhyme or reason. Medians are installed in front of businesses and neighborhoods, making them inacessible if you happen to be travelling in the wrong direction. Repairs and construction ONLY occur on heavily traveled roads at peak times during rush hour.

Night-time repairs are performed on the most desolate stretches of road and on the outskirts of any populated area.:blank:

This is the foundation upon which I have built a deep-seated loathing for Arizona traffic.

Now, compound it with the drivers. Every driver (except for three) in Arizona is from another town, another city, another state, even another country. They have subsequently brought with them whatever driving habits their parents instilled in them as pimply 15-year olds in large fields and abandoned parking lots. We have drivers from back East who weave in and out of traffic, horns blaring, fingers flying and oaths rising above the din of the freeway. We've got the West Coast drivers who brake and accelerate as if they are still climbing and coasting down the hills of Beverly or Napa. The Midwesterners drive as if they have 8 hours to reach their destination. Even if it's only 2 miles away. They like to revel in the lush BROWN scenery and daydream of 'back home'. The drivers from the South go EXACTLY the speed limit, but will drift in and out of their chosen lane as if performing some kind of modern automobile ballet.

Add to this... a cop car with it's lights on. Traffic will come to a complete stop, with 3 seconds between each halt, in which time you might get up to 8 MPH.

Now, if I'm going to be late to work or late to get home, if I'm going to suffer through the dirty looks of my co-workers who were there on time and endure the scolding from my boss on the importance of adhering to my schedule, then there had better be a fucking BODY lying on the side of the road!!!!
I want it to be worth my while! I want to see the uncensored real-life crime scene and I want to see some naked guy on PCP getting beat down by the cops. I want him to make a run for it and leave his sweaty, bloody handprint on my windshield as he jogs by!!!

It's never worth it.

It's usually a fender-bender with no visual damage, surrounded by suits on their cell phones hurriedly calling Chaz, their insurance agent. I still don't know why traffic comes to a dead stop in these situations. Maybe people just like me are desperately searching for a shoe in the road, a sign, any sign to make the fact that they are living seem a little more meaningful. Looking for an excuse to exhale loudly when they hold their loved ones.... I don't know. Maybe.

And the frosting on the cake....
Mexicans.

Call 'em Hispanics, Mexican-Americans, Latinos, Spics, Chicanos, whatthefuckever... they drive me absofuckinglutely crazy!!!!!!!! :flip:

Just because the sign doesn't say 'ALTO,' doesn't mean you can ignore it!! It's a BIG RED OCTAGON that says 'STOP'. Regardless of the language barrier, the word itself SOUNDS like a cessation. FUCKING STOP!!!!!!!!
And DON'T stop in the middle of traffic to make a goddamned left hand turn. That's what the fucking middle lane is for!!! And same with right turns. It is not necessary to wait until the car five vehicles behind you has come to a stop before you turn into the Del Taco. And if you ARE going to turn... be aggressive about it! Put on your turn signal! Make a statement to the world that says, "YEAH... I'm turning, muthafucka!" :tsk:

Now, you would think that we would get a reprieve from these asshats when they go back to Mexico to celebrate Feliz Navidad with the fam in the winter, right? Wrong. They are simply replaced by the 'snowbirds'. These are the lovely Minnesota/Illinois/North Dakota/Montana raisin-ranch rejects that decide they would prefer warm weather for the winter. They drive exactly the same way as the Mexicans, only they have less people packed into their Cadillacs and Buicks. :wishy:

Now, I don't claim to be the safest or most aware driver in the world. I've had my moments of stupidity and recklessness, but not on a regular basis, and never to the detriment of another driver. I drive with the flow of traffic, I pass on the left (unless completely impossible), I use my turn signal and I only use my horn to wake up dreamers or to get the attention of someone who I feel may be putting my health and well-being at risk.

That's how it should be done, in my opinion.

I figure that with the state income tax, I've paid for these roads more than most.

You wanna drive like an idiot on MY roads and cause me delay in retreating to MY sanctuary???.... :wishy:

Well then.... it's GO time. :blank:

 

[MoonGoddess]

Freedom, Liberty and the pursuit of penis…

I am leaving straight from work and heading up to Sedona for the weekend.

I almost got stuck in Phoenix until Saturday night, but TK found this just as unacceptable as I did. Sooo… we made an executive decision that I’m going to completely shirk all of my other responsibilities this weekend so that I can go up to Sedona and squeeze in as much sex as possible for the next 48 hours.

So, if you don’t see any updates for the next couple of days… that’s why.

But I promise that I’ll let you in on all the juicy gossip when I return!! :wave: