Mental Dissolve

[Steve]

I've been reading this message board for a while now, and I find that the idea intrigues me. People post their innermost thoughts on display for anonymous strangers to see, and yet most probably never tell those they know best in their lives half of it. Not that I'm bashing anyone for it, I am guilty of the same behavior. I'm hoping to use this board as a means to vocalize my thoughts about my life, something I don't usually allow myself the privilege of.
I am a secretive person, that's for damn sure. To begin with, my name is not Steve. But that is what I will use to allow myself a certain comfort zone to talk about my life. I'm 18, going on 19 in a week. To some of you that may be very young, and to others of you it may sounds like an age far in your future.
Trust me, it is NOT. I remember when I was about half as old as I am now, wondering what it would be like to be at that age when you are no longer considered a child (although at the time I had only a hazy idea of when that would be). Of course, in today's culture it seems like childhood has been extended into the early twenties. A few centuries ago a boy became a man around 15, give or take a couple of years. I don't think I would have made it had I lived then, I'm going to be 19 soon and I still feel, and probably act like a child in many ways.
Perhaps that's what this journal is about, looking at my past, my childhood, which has just about run its course, and trying to understand how it has made me the way I am today, and how I can cope with a future I feel none too secure about currently. At best, I hope this journal will be a learning experience, and at worst, it will be a place to vent my negativity and pessimism. Either way, my aim is to bring some degree of solace to my erratic mental states, some sort of resolution to things long since past.
Resolve my mental dissolve.

 

[Steve]

The man behind the curtain

I'm a college student, first semester freshman. I think I'm finally getting used to the idea, somewhat. Many people I knew in high school were extremely excited by the whole concept. Looking back now, I realize that the whole process of applying to college and all that really did just feel like a big chore to me. I know that's not the right attitude to have about it, but frankly not much about the idea appealed to me. The main reason I am at college right now is to just do something new.

I am a sedentary person, that's one trait in myself I have come to realize in recent years. I never go to any parties, I only leave my room when I have a specific reason to, and I rarely try out new things. The activities I occupy myself with now have become so routine, I do them more often than not just because it is easier than attempting something new. I also have an aversion to people.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a people hater. I am a person myself, so that would involve an awful lot of self-loathing on my part. There are times when don't particularly like myself, but that is not a perpetual state of mind for me. No, I have to say that my distaste centers more upon GROUPS of people. Groups of people inevitably evolve this hive mind mentality and hierarchy. It's simply human nature, everyone must fall into a category of some sort in order to be integrated into a group.

And people fall into these classifications and expected behaviors willingly and without hardly realizing it. They become the leader alpha-male, the joker, the sycophant. All of these assumed roles push away self-determination and logic. The ultimate goal simply becomes to just be part of a group, so that they don't have to be alone. So, in order for me to retain absolute control over myself, I have evolved to avoid group interactions. Nowadays, just being around a group of people tends to make me feel uncomfortable, and I very quickly move myself elsewhere if possible. I very much prefer social discourse between just two people.

That is another issue I think I have, I MUST have absolute control over myself at all times, and I must have a logical reason for my actions. I am a control freak. Before I go into any situation, I must have an outline of what I'm going to do, and steps on how I am going to get there. And losing control over my actions is a deep-seated fear of mine I think. This leads me to another topic common to somewhere around 90% of the other journals on this forum: relationships with the opposite sex.

If you haven't guessed yet, yes I am a man. Hah, I forgot to even mention that so far, just goes to show how deep-seated it is in my psyche. One journal I find fairly pertinent on this topic is Yonphi's Trials of Chastity. Many of his thoughts on the subject mirror mine too eerily. My thoughts used to be more similar to his than they are now however.

Back in the good old days (well not really so good) I used to have friends on all sides of the gender gap. Then something completely life-alering occurred: everyone started going through puberty (so you can tell this was QUITE a while ago for me). After that, the sex differences caused me to lose any sort of common casual interests with any person of the female persuasion, and I eventually didn't have any such friends (I didn't consciously choose it at the time). Then one day something terrible truly terrible happened: my hormones started kicking in and I was soon ogling certain girls in my classes. I found this quite disturbing over time. At first was something that I did't even realize was happening, and then one day it hit me with it's full blown realization: I am a slave to my genes. Then, as is apt for me to do, I began thinking critically about the predicament:

What is the ultimate purpose of these compulsions? Reproduction. Why should I want to reproduce? This is a question I've never found a logical answer to. So that I can have descendants to live through into the future? Well that seems awfully damn selfish. I never wanted anyone to control me, so it would be hypocritical to try to control someone else in such a manner. In addition, what gives me the authority to force someone else to live? Life is full of lots of pain, only as much enjoyment as you can eke out of it, and the terrifying inevitable conclusion of death.

In addition, i've never been able to reconcile treating women as things to be desired after, while realizing that they are people just like you and me. How can I talk to a woman, when the only agenda I would have in mind is trying to have sex with her like some horny animal? It seems rude, and in my mind it is degrading towards women. If I talk to a person, I want it to be because I genuinely want to have a conversation with them, not because I'm trying to use them for some ulterior motive. Unfortunately, me having even normal friendships with women have suffered as a result of this. I'm afraid of treating them like I described above, so I avoid them altogether. When I'm around women I feel like I don't have absolute control over all aspects of myself, and it discomforts and disturbs me. So I avoid them altogether.

So therefore, my chastity is a self-imposed one, not that I think I've had any real offers to the contrary I think. Then again, maybe I have, but I am pretty oblivious to that sort of thing I think. Perhaps someone has tried to get me interested in them in the past but I blew them off with my usual tactics without breaking stride. It doesn't really matter, I dont think it would have any affect on my stance anyway.

Wow, quite a long-winded post I have here. I guess I get pretty verbose when it comes to explaining myself. Ah well. There is more explanation to be done as well, but I'll save that for another night.