Memoirs of a College Sophomore

[stringbassguru]

Yes, memoirs are usually associated with old people. But that's not really the point.

I wanted to start this journal because I feel like I can't properly express myself on my website. Why is that? you ask. Because my sister reads my website (and i don't really have a very close relationship with her ... which is kind of unusual for twins). I haven't exactly been the good girl that I should be, and so I have to sensor myself (and my stories) for an audience that is ignorant of the truth. This isn't really a good thing for me. I want to be able to say what I want, nay, <b>need</b> to say.

I'm 19 years old. I live in Portland, Oregon, where I go to school. I'm originally from Southern Oregon (one of those smallish cities). I'm also Mormon. This is kind of a problem. My sister and brother both go to BYU (I'll discuss more about this later). They really have no idea what I've been up to over here.

For the record, I was a stoner. And I emphasize WAS. I quit on October 23 (but in actual days I haven't smoked, I've been smoke free since the 22nd of October). It wasn't a hard thing to do (quitting), but it was a decison I've been wrestling with for a while (since May at least). I started smoking on February 1st, 2002. And I'll admit, I tried it because of peer pressure. My friends are stoners (every last one them). I feel the tension in our relationships now that I don't smoke and they do. For the past three weeks they've been blowing their smoke in my face because they are "trying to be good friends." This past weekend I told them not to do it anymore. It was annoying. And they don't seem to understand that I don't want to get high anymore.

A Mormon stoner. That's a very bad thing. Well, it's not as bad as it could be. (Another thing for the record, I drink alcohol too, but I'm quitting very soon.) At least I'm not out there sleepin' around or anything (like some people I know ... but of course, they are not bound by the strict code of morals that we Mormons are, especially when it comes to sex).

And speaking of sex ... I don't know if anyone else has this problem (I'm sure someone does). I live in college housing, but it's apartment style. I live on the fifth floor. My building is in a U shape and I'm on the inside of the U. I hear everything that goes on the sidewalk below, and the in the apartments surrounding mine. And when I say everything, I mean <b>everything</b>. Yes, that's right. Some inconsiderate neighbor of mine has sex with the windows open so the whole inner apartments can hear it. I'm not talking about creaking and bumping here. I can hear the chick yelling and moaning. That is NOT something I need to hear. Why don't I close my windows? It doesn't work. I can still hear it. Do you have any idea what's it's like to wake up on Sunday morning to the sounds of someone gettin' it on? (In case you were wondering, yes, it did happen today). This has happened about six or seven times (on various nights/mornings/afternoons of the week). Am I wrong to be so annoyed? I just want to yell out the window "SHUT YOUR FREAKIN' WINDOWS YOU SICK BASTARDS!" but then I would feel mean or something. And I swear it's the person living below me, because I hear it way to clearly for it to be coming from anywhere else.

But enough about sex already ...
There's a lot more to come, so I hope someone comes by to read. Trust me, it'll be worth it.

 

[stringbassguru]

About a Guy

With me, everything seems to be about a guy. Men are an ever-present source of pain and heart break (and I'm sure I'm not the only one).

Admittedly, I started smoking weed because of a guy ... and I quit smoking because of a guy. Isn't it funny how everything goes in circles?

But yeah, about three weeks ago I was seeing this guy. Then he dumped me. Why? because I smoked weed (pretty regularly). I'll have to post the conversation we had sometime. He broke up with me over AIM. What a pussy. He couldn't even do it in person.

I was having a really bad week that week (and ever since pretty much). Why did he have to choose that weeK!? He had inadvertently shoved me over the edge. I had en emotional breakdown that night. As I sat on the floor of my bathroom crying into the early hours of the morning, I told myself I was done. No more.

My friends don't know how I can do it. They know they'll never be able to do it. They lack two things that I have: (1) a desire to quit and (2) the willpower to quit. See, I never really liked smoking. I have a tendency to get chest colds and it makes it a lot worse. And I was always confused when I was high. I don't like being confused. I'm one of those people that needs to know what's going on.

They all thought that my sudden change was just that: sudden. But really, I had been mulling it over in my head. And on top of that, a whole bunch of other stuff was going wrong in my life. My grades are suffering, I have no money, and I'm not getting any better at my instrument (the string bass if you haven't figured that out).

I thought that finally something good was happening to me with this guy. Then it was all taken away from me (violently ripped from hands). And who's to blame? A guy. It's always about a guy.

 

[stringbassguru]

Sauce Nazi

Okay, I'm pissed. For the love of all that is holy, when did McDonald's start <b>charging</b> for sweet and sour sauce!?

They used to give it out for free (like a month ago). What happened!? Were they being too generous with the sauce or something?

This is ridiculous. It's sauce. It probably costs a fraction of a cent to produce. And they want me to pay ten cents for it? I don't think so! Not like ten cents is going to break the bank, but it's the principle of the thing. (Although, I am a broke/cheap college student, so ten cents is a lot.)

Anyway ... /end rant.

 

[stringbassguru]

My Gerbil Is On Crack

Ok, so my gerbil isn't <i>really</i> on crack. But she sure acts like it sometimes. I think she's secretly plotting world domination (or at least escape from her cage).

Anyway ...

Am I the only one that is fascinated by candles? I mean, lit candles? Because I can't seem to stay away from a lit candle. I'm compelled to play with it and make the wax go all over and whatnot. Weird .... yes I know.

Yeah, so I live on the fifth floor of my building. At first I didn't like it. I mean, I REALLY didn't like it. I dreaded having to climb all those stairs every time I returned to my room. I was out of breath by the time I reached the third floor. It was pretty bad. But I've been here for awhile, so I've gotten used to all that. In retrospect, I think that this may be the best thing that's ever happened to me. You may think I'm exaggerating, but seriously. I've lost so much fat from my body just from climbing stairs a million times a day. This is a big deal. I love to eat (when I have money to buy food). Now I can pretty much eat whatever I want because I have exercise built into my daily routine. I love it!

I got myself a no-drinking buddy (alcohol that is). So there's no alcohol for me at least until the end of the term. No worries ... it's all good.

Yeah, so tomorrow is my worst day (Wednesday) because it's so long (five classes ... 8 am to 5:30 pm). I always dread Wednesday. That day always has a bad vibe. If I'm still in a good mood by choir, then I can usually make it through the rest of the day without an emotional breakdown.

Okay, enough randomness .... time for Conan.

 

[stringbassguru]

Eat Mexican

I say eat Mexican! Because it's really good ... and good for you!

Anyway ... I've had a major breakthrough in my playing. I've been in kind of a "technical proficiency" rut as of late. Somehow, I figured out how to hold my bow so that my right arm was relaxed while I play. And all I had to do was rotate it down about 45 degrees. What took me so long to figure that out!? It seems so simple! It's the <i>obvious</i> solution to the problem. So why didn't I see it before?

I've kind of noticed my ability to think things through has not been all that great. I was REALLY worried about being able to pay my January rent. Until I realized a week ago that school starts on the 6th. My rent is due on the 8th. So ... I get my financial aid on the friday before school. Plenty of time to pay the bills! And it seems so obvious <i>now</i>. Let me restate that I was REALLY worried about paying it on time. What was wrong with me?

My theory about my lack of vision: the weed was impairing my ability to critically think. Yes, I know. Duh. Now that i don't smoke anymore, I actually <i>get</i> stuff. I think it was making me a worrier too.

Here's my random rambling for the day:

I think that I previously stated that I live at the top of five flights of stairs (and if I didn't say that to you, I've said to plenty of other people). However, I realized that that is not really a true statement. I in fact live on the top of <i>four</i> flights of stairs. If it was five, then I would have to walk up stairs to get to the first floor (which is not the case). But are there really four <i>flights</i> of stairs? Depending on your definition of "flight," there could very well be eight flights of stairs. Each floor worth of stairs is divided into two groups of eight steps with a platform inbetween to change the direction of the stairs. So that makes 64 stairs in all. Unless of course you don't consider the top step a step because it is a part of the platform. Then there are only 56 steps. So anyway ... yeah. I live at the top of four flights of stairs.

 

[stringbassguru]

It was kind of funny ...

I didn't get much done this weekend (though that seems to be the case every weekend). I was trying to not procrastinate by writing a paper on Sunday (the paper was due this Wednesday). Then I get to class this morning and he changes the due date to <i>next</i> Monday. I spent all that time writing when I could have been doing other shit. Stupid teachers.

I went to bed really late last night because I had to finish my music theory homework. I got up on time and I was actually <i>early</i> to class (I'm always late to that class because it's at 8 AM). After class, I go back to my room and decide to take a nap (cuz I'm tired). I have class at 11:30. I wake up at 11:40. But at least I made it there by 11:50 (and it's just choir so it's not that big of a deal).

I got back my pictures from Halloween today. I looked like a whore (I was a devil). *shrugs* What can you do?

So this past weekend I was the DD. I was driving my friend Kristine's car (because she was really drunk). We drove her cousins back to their relative's house. On the way there, I did something pretty stupid. When I was getting off the highway, I turned into the left side of a two-way street. The bad thing about it was that there was a barrier so I couldn't drive over to the right side. It's a good thing it was 1:30 AM, because I had to make a left-hand turn against a red light to get to the right side of the street. After that, Kristine was tripping out pretty bad (and her cousins too). It was kind of funny.

 

[stringbassguru]

"your hot"

Ok, so I've been showing my pictures from Halloween around to people. I must admit. I look good.

This is a conversation I had today with a friend:
(I have modified it to protect secrecy, or whatever ... not that it matters; I have not modified any bad grammar or mis-spelled words)

D*** ***: sorry about that
D*** ***: my neighbor swung by...alright
D*** ***: but i must say
D*** ***: my neighbor, a total player, was like WHOS THAT?? SHES HOT!!
D*** ***: Tammy, your hot. I hate to be the one to tell ya, but your a very attractive female.
D*** ***: *leave you alone* practicing good!
D*** ***: TAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYy

Auto response from stringbassguru: I'm practicing .... so leave me alone!

D*** ***: GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL OFFF MYY....alright
stringbassguru: did you WANT something?
D*** ***: just you cuttie
D*** ***: I MEAN!
D*** ***: *kicks self*
D*** ***: GRRR
stringbassguru: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
D*** ***: NO NOTHING!
stringbassguru:
stringbassguru: riiiiight
stringbassguru: back to practicing then
D*** ***: alright
D*** ***: THANKS FOR ASKING THOUGH! =oD

This whole concept of <i>me</i> being somehow "attractive" just doesn't compute in my brain. I have a really hard time understanding it ... and I mean a REALLY hard time. Maybe it's the fact that I've been called fat and ugly my <b>entire</b> public school life by all my peers. That kind of shit does wonders for your self-image.

In case you were wondering, no, I'm not fat and ugly ... not now anyway. I haven't been at this weight since I was thirteen. For once in my life, the information on my driver's license is correct (yes, I lied when I got it ... we all do ... it's better if you just admit it).

I think I'm beautiful. However, I have a really hard time believing it when someone else says it. I feel like I'm being set up for an ugly joke. I can seem pretty rude sometimes because I don't know how to take compliments. I really <i>don't know how to take them</i>. It's hard when you've grown up only getting compliments on how smart you are or how good you are at music, etc. And that's from adults. In the mean time, all the kids around you are making fun of you for the same reasons adults praise you. And also because you're overweight and "ugly."

And about these adults that are supposed to be helping you feel good about yourself. When I was in sixth grade, my math teacher made me go out in the hall and "teach myself" because I was ahead of everyone else in the class. This didn't make me feel special. It made me feel like a freak, and outcast ... too smart for my own good. What I really hated was when teachers would compare my sister and I (we're twins ... no, not identical ... no, we can not read each other's minds ... and NO, we do not "forget" which twin we are). That's the ultimate smack in the face for anyone. You should NEVER EVER compare siblings to one another. It breeds contension.

Back to the subject at hand ... people finding <i>me</i> attractive. This is a new phenomenon. Very new. As in a year ago new.

I must say, I hoped and dreamed and prayed and yadayada that some guy might actually <i>like</i> me <b>every fucking day</b> in high school. And it ripped me apart inside. I would develop <b>bad</b> crushes on my friends. I say bad because they were unhealthy to <b>me</b>. I fell into depression somewhere around my sophomore year of high school, and stayed there until about February of this year. My desire for someone that I could define myself with ate away at my spirit. One day I just couldn't take it anymore. So I told the guy. And he rejected me. My fate seemed sealed. No guy would ever like me. EVER.

I'm sure you can imagine how messed up my psyche was. I have many deeply rooted emotional problems. However, I will refrain from explaining them for the moment.

So back to this new phenomenon. Something else that really bugs me is knowing that people talk about me when I'm not there. Not like gossip or anything. Just in normal conversation. Before college, I never really thought about this. I just figured that when people talked they talked about other stuff ... not me. I just can't imagine how <i>I</i> can be an interesting topic of conversation. It seems absurd to me. And it really does bug the shit out of me when people say they've talked about me. You know that saying "The only thing worse than being talked about is <b>not</b> being talked about" ... well I disagree. I'd rather not be talked about. And if you <b>are</b> going to talk about me, then tell me what you said because I have a <b>need</b> to know.

So back to this whole attractiveness thing (yeah, I know I've been kind of ranting). I've had many a guy in the last year or so, tell me that I'm hot. First of all, I don't believe them, however sincere they may be. I just can't believe a guy when he says that. Call me a man-hater or whatever. It's something that my brain cannot process. It goes in one ear, and then my brain gets all confused and says "What is this word "hot" and what does it mean in reference to my personage?" Then my brain spits it out the other ear ... unabsorbed.

My sister's right. I <b>am</b> a horribly shrewish, man-hating, ice queen, uber-bitch. Oh well. You better make sure you stay on my good side.

 

[stringbassguru]

Don't be suspicious because I laugh ...

My friends are kind of strange. (Not that <i>I</i> am not strange) I have a tendency to include a lot of smilies, and "LOL"s, and "hehehehe"s in my IMs. What can I say? I'm usually a pretty jolly person. I laugh A LOT. Usually at nothing. My friends don't like this. They always ask me why I'm laughing. I'm not laughing <b>at</b> them or anything. I guess I'm just too jovial for my own good.

We have a guest conductor in orchestra today. Our conductor is in Europe. Thank goodness (cuz he's terrible). Europe can keep him. Don't know who our guest conductor is though. I think that it is a friend of our regular conductor. *shrugs* I just hope the brass doesn't blast my ears out today (good thing I got ear plugs). :up:

I hate it when people don't return phone calls. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I hate it when GUYS don't return phone calls (cuz my girlfriends <b>always</b> return my calls). I don't know what y'all are trying to accomplish by being jerks, but you're supposed to call a woman back. Stop playin the apathetic tough guy gangsta-thug, okay? Just call me back you fucker. I don't have time for these games.

And I'm spent.

 

[stringbassguru]

Peeing Burritos and Ear-Plugs

My burrito just peed on me. Burrito juice on your hand isn't a good thing.

The orchestra had a concert today. It went alright, I guess. The room that we play in (and rehearse in) is way to small a room for the size of orchestra that we have. Some friends who watched said that they could feel all the bass notes and percussion vibrating the walls. They thought that was "cool." I told them that that was a bad thing. That kind of sound in a small space ruins your hearing. That's why we wear ear-plugs.

 

[stringbassguru]

Not for the kiddies ....

You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

...

Anyways, seen the new Harry Potter movie? I'm a big fan of Harry Potter. But this movie is definitely not for the little kiddies. All of the books are scary. That's not the kind of stuff small children should be reading or seeing. Don't little kids get scared of spiders and the like? And the books are awfully morbid. I mean, someone's trying to kill Harry IN EVERY BOOK. Very scary indeed.

So I passed the one month mark this past weekend. Yep, weed free for 34 days (as of today). It doesn't seem like it's been that long. (However, my friends thought it had been longer.)

I go home for Thanksgiving this week. Finally, some GOOD food. I'm getting real tired of my own (bad) cooking.

This is what I've decided:
I'm going to write a best-selling novel, and make millions of dollars, so that I never have to have a real job (i.e. a job I hate) ever again. Yep, that's the plan. Good thing I'm a great writer.

I went to the Blazers game on Saturday. They lost by one point to the Kings. Booooo!

Sorry that I've had nothing deeply insightful to say recently. I've been trying to be detached from my emotions lately. (If I ignore them then maybe they'll go away!?!)

Anyways .... late.

 

[stringbassguru]

Not again!

I have an 8 AM class on monday followed by a two hour gap before my next class at 11:30. So I usually go back to my apartment and take a nap before my second class. Unfortunately, I always overestimate my ability to wake up in time for class. I woke up at 11:30 today, when I should have been in class. The worst part is, I wasn't going to my regular class today. I was supposed to go to band today (I'm "helping" the band director out because they don't have a regular bass player). So I was late to band. How very unprofessional of me. *shrugs* I've done this before though, only that was on a regular choir day. I ended up being a half hour late.

So anyways, like I said in my last post, I've been trying to stay away from anything deeply philosophical or emotional. That kind of says a lot, now doesn't it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly. They just seem to "overlook" me at times. I don't even know if "overlook" is the right word. Probably not. But anyway, October was shit for me. Nobody really seems to understand how <i>bad</i> I was having it. My grades sucked, I was (and still am) broke off my ass, I was falling into depression again, and then the guy I was seeing dumped me (the bastard!). About a week later, my friend had a bad breakup with her boyfriend. I'll call her K. Everyone and there dog seems to be breaking up these days, but that's beside the point. So yeah, we both had a break up at roughly the same time. Like I said, not that I don't love her dearly, but K. is one of those people that goes from relationship to relationship (for what reason I have no idea). After her breakup, it seems that everyone wants her to move on and whatnot and start seeing other guys. Her step-sister set her up with a guy sort-of. Now they're "seeing" each other. I don't mean to be incredibly selfish here, but what about ME? Why aren't my friends encouraging ME to date other guys and setting me up and yadayadayada? Am I not worthy of anyone's affection? I mean, my guy dumped <i>me</i> before her and her guy brokeup. But of course, no one really cares about me having a fruitful/successful/stable/whatever personal life. Yeah, I know. I'm incredibly selfish and whatnot. But wtf!?!

So you see why I avoid emotions. Otherwise my bitterness shows through.

 

[stringbassguru]

Don't fucking call me a prude asshole!

So a guy sends me an IM in response to a personals ad. We talk for like two minutes, then he's like "So, do we make out now?" And I'm like "I don't think so." Then the fucking bastard calls me a prude. I tell him that I don't take nicely to guys that call me a prude. And you know what the bastard does? He calls me a prude AGAIN. So I blocked the fucker.

NO ONE calls me a prude and gets to continue having a conversation with me. First of all, you don't know me, so keep your fucking judgments to your own bastardly self. Sorry that I don't meet your ideals of an easy lay. My beliefs are none of your fucking business if you can't be man enough to respect them. Go back to whatever slut you had before and fuck her, because you'll never have someone like me. I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

How fucked up do you have to be to think that insulting me is going to make me like you more? I don't put up with that shit from anyone, especially not men. I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy, so back the fuck off. Prude my ass, I'll lay you out with one punch. Then I'll kick you repeatedly while you're on the ground. There's no mercy for dickheads.

You know what I really hate? People that don't have respect for the "good" and "nice" girls. I'm a nice girl at heart. I don't like being a bitch. I do nice things. Yeah, I'm a virgin. SO FUCKING WHAT? This is the way I choose to be, and you're not going to change my mind by insulting me. Men better than you have tried ... and failed miserably. It's a lot harder to be virtuous than it is to be a sleazy dickwad like you, so FUCK OFF.

Sorry .... but that just had to be said.

 

[stringbassguru]

The Holidays F***ing Suck

Yes, that's right. The holidays suck. I'm one of <i>those</i> people.

I've had a rough year. I'm sure a lot of people have. Now is the time to reflect back on all that has happened and wonder, "What the fuck have I been doing?"

As Christmas comes closer and closer, we're all reminded of our loved ones and whatnot. I'm reminded that I won't be spending Christmas at home. I'll be in the hell hole that is Utah. And not only that, but I won't get to spend New Years with my friends. In fact, I won't be spending any time with friends at all. I'm going to be away from the only place that I've been happy for as long as I can remember (Portland).

Not that I'm not happy that my brother is getting married and all, but this sucks. Why did they have to pick Christmas time? Honestly, of all us kids (3), I was convinced that my brother would be the last to get married. He never dated in high school. he always acted like he disliked girls immensly. It just doesn't make any sense in my mind. Yeah, he's 22 (almost 23). It's time for him to "move on" or whatever. Go to a different stage in his life. I just don't like to be reminded that my own life sucks.

You are supposed to spend the holidays with the people you love. And they are supposed to shower you with gifts that show their unwavering affection. I hate all those fucking diamond commercials on TV. Some guy needs to give <b>me</b> some fucking diamond jewelery. Just for the record, no guy has ever given me anything. Probably because I've never been in a relationship. So you see where my bitterness comes from.

I hate being reminded that I'm alone. My birthday is in February. A week before Valentine's Day. That is <b>the</b> most loathed of holidays to me. It is horrible. It is a day that tells everybody that is single that they are horrible social rejects. So not only do I have no significant other on my birthday, but a week later I'm again reminded that there's something not right about me. I'm a freak of nature.

This is why I hate the holidays. It is a year later, and I have accomplished <b>nothing</b> in my personal life. I am still the same shrewish ice queen that my sister takes so much pleasure in making fun of. At almost 20, I am still in the infant stage of my personal life. I feel like I'm being left behind by everyone else.

And to top it all off, I just feel like quitting playing the bass. Which is really sad, because it's my life. My teacher pretty much told me that he doesn't think that I'll ever be good enough to play in a symphony, and told me to think about teaching ... I don't want to fucking teach ... I want to play. It's all very depressing. I hate the holidays.

I'm about to go home to my parents house. I'll probably spend the whole time sitting on my ass being lazy. That's what I always do when I'm there. I almost hope that they don't need me to work at the bank during that holidays. I don't want to go back there in this state of mind. It might break me.

I don't want to work nine to five. I can't do it. I can't understand how most people can. It's draining on your soul, and I don't need anymore soul to leak out. I don't see how some people can wake up everyday and go work at a job that they hate. Yeah, okay. You need money nowadays, but how can you live with yourselves? What is life without passion? Your job should be fulfilling and something that you love. Otherwise, why work at all? You might as well sit on your ass and do nothing. I can't do it. I won't do it.

I'm lookin' for some advice here:
Let's say that earlier this year i had a "thing" with this guy. He's a nice guy, but it just wasn't working out. First of all, he never called when he said he was going to. That's one of the few reliable things about him. During our "thing," which lasted about two and a half weeks, he saw me twice. He could have seen me more than that, but he kept cancelling (and he has a car and I don't, so it's not like I could go see him). He obviously didn't have enough time for me (or he was not willing to give that time that I require). So I called him up and we decided we should just be friends. I could tell he was really disappointed. But that's his own fault because <i>he</i> fucked it up.... So this past weekend, me and this guy kind of get back "together" (if you can even say that, this seems to be turning into another "thing"). And surprise, surprise, he's making the <b>exact same</b> mistakes he made with me the first time. He's a repeat offender. I can't really understand what he is thinking. Does he not know that he is making the samefuck ups? I mean, come on now. How can I expect him to keep bigger promises when he can't even remember to call me? I know that this guy really likes me and wants to give me everything and yadyadayada, but I just can't take this shit. he doesn't know how to be a boyfriend (not that I even know what a boyfriend <b>is</b>). What am I supposed to do here? I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind about what he wants. If another opportunity comes up (not saying there will be, it's not like I have to beat off guys with a stick), then I'm going to take it, regardless of this guys feelings. I won't put up with him treating me like that. I will make a guess here and say that he will not call me at all over winter break. I won't be in Portland, so therefore he will view me as unavailable. Nevermind that he could pick up his phone and call me just to chat. He won't ... which only further proves my point. Fuck that noise. This is definitely NOT going to work out.

I don't know why I feel the need to type so much tonight. It's probably because I haven't typed in a while .... and I'm going home tomorrow. I think I just need to get shit off my chest that has been bugging me.

Ok, more man troubles. I need to move some shit. Heavy shit. I can't do it alone (bad back and too heavy stuff) and K. can't help me because she's got all kinds of sickness related injury. I need a big strong male to help me. I don't know that many "big strong males." I asked KN to help me. We had a "thing" in October. He's that one who dumped me supposedly because I smoked weed at the time (which I think is a bunch of cop-out bullshit). He claims he wants to be my friend. Bull shit. He said he would help me two days ago. He hasn't helped me. The shit is still sitting where it's been sitting. He's been wishy-washy to me for two months. It's bullshit. So I found another big strong male to help me. His name is J. He works with K. He's very muscle-y. Perfect for moving stuff.

Ya know, for the year that guys have actually found me attractive, I just find all this "getting to know" people and "dating" to be just a load of horseshit. It's draining and damaging to my self-esteem. Before, I was rejected because of my looks, now I'm rejected because I've got something horribly wrong with my personality (that <b>must</b> be blaring obvious to everyone else, but something that I can't see). That must be why I'm always "the friend." (I can't remember if I've discussed this before) Fuck being the friend. I HATE BEING THE FUCKING FRIEND.

You know what I hate even more? It's people that don't talk to me when I engage them in conversation. It takes something special to get me to talk to most people. Don't ignore it! It rarely happens. I just met a new friend (M.) that is a bass guitar player. He's awesome to hang out with. I talk to him. I talk to him be I don't feel threatened by him. I know that he's not going to make fun of me for what I say (and I say the wrong thing a lot). I wish that KN and I could have that same kind of friendship. But I don't think that's going to happen. KN closes himself off from the world. I'm worried about him. I think he's sabotaging his own happiness. He makes me sad.

So I'm thinking about getting a job at a movie theater when I get back from break. I'm only going to be taking 16 credits next term (as opposed to 20), so I should have some time to make some money. Yay! :up:

I think that I've ranted enough for today. Have a lovely holiday season (to all those that aren't depressed by it). And best wishes to those in search of the light at the end of a dark and depressing holiday tunnel.

stringbassguru

 

[stringbassguru]

Been a long time ...

Hmmm ... It's been a long time since I've wrote in this thing. I just spent the last three weeks with the parents. Talk about your boring times. I also went to Utah. I have a funny narrative about that. I'll post it later. My friends and I had a drunken party last night. More about that later. Gotta go hang with the friends.

 

[stringbassguru]

Wishing For Pixie Dust

I know I said I would post about a few things, but it's not going to happen. Sorry, I have other things on my mind. Namely, Winter Term. It has returned to haunt me.

Winter is NOT a good time for me. It's depressing as hell. Add on top of that the fact that I'm all by myself (relationship wise). Which is nothing new, of course. But that's the problem. It gets even more depressing every year. The new year is the time that I realize most that I have accomplshed jack shit during the past year.

Then there's that whole giving up on your dreams thing that really puts a damper on a person's mood. I've wanted to be a professional musician for the past six years. And after a year and a half through college, I realized that it just wasn't an option for me ... no matter how badly I wanted it to happen. I'll never be good enough to do what I want to do. I aplaud all those great music teachers out there, but I can't (and don't want to) be a teacher. I never have. Teachers without passion don't make good teachers. I don't even like to <i>speak</i> in front of other people. I hate the sound of my own voice. I just sound so stupid. And I never say the right thing. Always the wrong thing. I can't remember if I've ever talked about the interuption between my brain and my mouth (I'll have to look back to see). Not surprisingly, my sister (twin ... not identical) has the same problem. In fact, I was explaining my "condition" to my mother for some reason during the holidays, and my sister said that her brain works (or doesn't work rather) in the same manner as mine. It must be genetic.

Anyways, I just want to play music, but it's not going to happen.

So now I have to change my major. To what? Who knows. I was thinking about writing, but there isn't really a major for that (it's an English major with Professional Writing as a minor). I don't want to be an English major. So scratch that. Then I thought about art. But that's the same thing as music. Most art majors end up being teachers. So I've kind of settled on Architecture as a possibility. I've kind of thought about doing that before, but back then I was focused on the music thing. No matter what I do, I'll still be starting over from scratch (because the music program is SO different from all the others). I don't even know what I'm going to say to my parents. I felt really bad about keeping up a facade of "Oh yes, I am a music major" over the holidays. All the wedding guests (brother got married) asked about it, my family asked about it. It was painful to my heart.

I just want to give up. I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to be lazy and sit around my apartment all day eating and watching Days of Our Lives.

I have this friend named Morgan. Yes, that's his real name. I don't mind saying it, because I don't think that I'll ever say anything bad about him. He's just a really great friend. He lives here in Portland. I met him on a personals site. He's not like any friend that I've had before I think. I feel like I can say anything to him. He doesn't make me feel stupid when I speak (out loud), and that's something I really need. It makes me happy to be around him and I enjoy spending time with him. So thanks, Morgan. You're an awesome guy. (He also needs a woman .... badly .... any takers?)

So I guess my friends and I are going to a club on Friday (tomorrow). We're supposed to eat curry before hand (made by my friend). Don't know if the curry's gonna happen. My friends change their minds a lot. Which is too bad. I really like curry.

I wish I had some pixie dust so that I could just sprinkle it around and everything would be okay.

How about that Ibnbatuta and his teenage journal? What a pompous blow-hard. I KNOW I'm not the only one that thinks this. What is his problem? One day he's gonna learn that one can't make friends by insulting and degrading people. I think *someone* needs to incorporate a little bit of optimism into their life. And by the way, it's spelled "PERspective" Mr. Genius. You spelled it wrong TEN TIMES. If you're going to use a word that much, then look it up in a dictionary to make sure it's spelled correctly. (This guy probably doesn't read my journal, so I really don't care what I say here) I don't believe in sending hate mail (because of that whole "free speech" thing). I think people that <i>do</i> send it are setting themselves up for ridicule. Which is why I choose to trash this guy here. News flash Ibn, stupid people are going to follow you for the rest of your life (granted that you yourself are not counted among the cerebrally challenged). And girls ... they just get dumber (the ones that are already on the path, rather). There aren't too many "smart" or "intelligent" girls out there that will put up with your shitty attitude anyway. You know what most of the smart women do? They swear off men and go lesbian. Because you're all a bunch of dickheads. You know what you need? Minions. They can help you in your plan to take over the world (which I <i>know</i> must be floating around in that head of yours). And you don't even have to be friends with them because THEY'LL BE MINIONS! You can insult them and berate them and make them feel bad about themselves. And in the process, you'll be building yourself up in your own eyes and basking in your ability to beat people down with your "intellect." People like you make me sick. Get over yourself ... and for the love of all that is good and holy, learn how to SPELL!

Hmmmm .... that turned into a rant and a half.

On an unrelated note ... Have you ever looked at someone so long that they look different? Not quite "right"? It's just like when you write a word so many times that it starts to look like you've spelled it wrong. Try it sometime.

A guy friend of mine recently called me crazy. Now, normally I wouldn't really care, but I think he really thinks that I'm a nutcase. But like I said above, guys are dickheads.

 

[stringbassguru]

Comic Book Guy

Hmmm ... Two posts in one day. I think that's a record for me.

So anyways, I took a quick trip downtown (on the bus ... yay for fairless square!) to go to Sheet Music Service of Portland. On the way back, I had to sit next to a guy that looked like a real life representation of Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. Not only that but I was scrunched into a corner because this guy was taking up like two seats. My personal space was SERIOUSLY being violated. Everything was made worse by the fact that there was a million people on the bus (no standing room ... packed in like sardines!) and I was getting VERY claustrophobic. I was glad to get back to PSU and off that fucking bus.

 

[stringbassguru]

Worst Post Ever!

 

[stringbassguru]

Stupidity by association.

There's a interesting situation that my friend is in. He's male ... and some chick wants to get it on with him. He, however, does not want that to happen. She's a "friend" of his that he met on a personals site. When I heard this, I was like, "What!?!" I thought all guys were about the sex (especially this guy), all day and all night. according to him, he "might" have led her on, but they exchanged "no bodily fluids." So tell me, how does she get the idea that they're gonna do the nasty? Haha. It's all very funny to me. She's very pissed at him. She's been giving him the silent treatment, so he hangs out with her roommate. Which doesn't help anything. Him and I were hanging out today filling out job applications and she called. He said he might be done at my place at 7ish. Didn't say he'd call at 7. We watched <i>The Matrix</i> and I asked him to install my new hard drive. Needless to say, he wasn't heading out the door at seven. He got two calls during this time(his ringer was off). It was her. He called her back. She was mad (with the "you said you'd call at 7" and blahblahblah).

So yeah, he doesn't want to sleep with her. Why? Because he's shallow. And I don't blame him. Everybody is shallow ... and the people that claim they aren't are full of shit. It's human nature to be shallow. I don't think you should have to be with someone that you're not physically attracted to. That's all you have at first, so IT IS important. I'm sure he'd much rather sleep with me, but too bad for him. That ain't gonna happen.

With encouragement from his mother, he "tried really hard" to look past physical appearances, but in the end his shallowness one out. Too bad for that chick. But I don't think she gets it (obviously, since she's still chasing after him). It's funny that she acts all pissy (like a girlfriend would) when she's NOT his girlfriend. Women are kind of stupid sometimes, aren't they. I can't say I've ever acted like that, but interacting with males always seems to lower my maturity level. Stupidity by association.

My friend had an interesting idea. He thinks you should be able to get a cuddle-slut. No sex, just cuddling. It's a good idea I think. I'm not sure it would catch on, though.

Yeah, so on Friday I went and had hot chocolate with a guy that I met through a personals site. Let's just call him J. I wasn't really sure what to expect. I mean, I knew what he looked like, but he's a lot cuter than I thought he would be. And he's CUTE! I'm not sure what he thought of me. We went back to my place to have curry with my friends (K. was cooking ... yay for Italians!). My friends thought he was really cute, too. We were also having a party that night. J. couldn't stay ... he had a project to do and no time this weekend. Which is alright with me. I don't really like getting drunk in front of people I just meet.

So at this party there was this guy. A guy that K. was seeing a while ago. He seemed WAY too interested in me (and no, he wasn't drunk). This kind of pisses me off. I don't really care if guys are interested in me or whatever, but I hate being the second choice to K. I love her with all my heart, but I HATE IT when a guy can't have her so they end up going after me. I have strong suspicions that that was the case with KN. She didn't want him, so he goes after me. That's just not right to me. I just wish that I had more chances to meet guys that my friends don't know. But I just can't meet guys because I only take one class that has non-music majors in it (a whole lot of the music majors here are gay, by the way).

This is so frustrating. I just want a guy, is that soooo much to ask?

KN is in the same "American Studies" class as me. He has a crush on this chick in there. She's loud and obnoxious like him. Which is exactly why he's setting himself up for disappointment. People like that don't get along. It'll be a constant power struggle. This is a guy that, up until a week ago, hadn't owned a pair of jeans since the fourth grade. He used to wear sweatpants/fleece pants EVERY FUCKING DAY. He went to his parents house over Christmas break. His mom told him that he looked terrible (it was for his own good I'm sure), and that he "might have more luck with the ladies" if he dressed nicer. Now, that may be true, but he's not lacking in the looks department. He looks cute no matter what. But it's not looks that gives him bad luck with the ladies. It's his attitude and his personality. He really only gives a shit about himself. He's a workaholic (and likes it that way). He'd rather give up on a relationship than accept the small things. He desires respect from people (everyone), but he even respect his "friends." He doesn't keep promises (because he's a lazy, selfish, fuckhead). It's people like this that need to just stay away from all females, but they're just not "boyfriend material."
Hmmm ... okay, I'm gonna stop talking now. LOL

Stringbassguru

 

[stringbassguru]

Will I cross that bridge when I get to it?

Man, it's late. But I have to get some things off my chest. And it's about sex, so keep reading!

If you're like me (and in all likelyhood, you are not), you'd be wondering what happened to that guy (D.) that I said I had kind of gotten back together with (way back in December ... I think). Well, don't ask me. I haven't seen D. since the second week of December. I haven't heard <i>from</i> him, or <i>about</i> him. He's never called me or anything (not even on Christmas ... the bastard!). This was puzzling to me, but I think I know now what went wrong. I didn't have sex with the guy, so he stopped talking to me. That makes some sense, right? He crashed at my place after a party (in December). The party lasted until around 4 in the morning before everyone left. I talked with the guy, we made out. At around 6, I'm like, "I have to get up in 3 hours, I need to get some sleep." (I had rehearsal for orchestra the next day) Even if I hadn't of had to get up the next day, I still wouldn't have slept with him. No way, no how. I saw him a few days later. But since then, nothing. I'm only kind of worried about him (in a friend kind of way). I just hope he didn't get himself shot or arrested or something.

During Christmas break, my friend (I'm not going to say her name here) slept with D.'s roommate (my girlfriend has a habit of having one-night-stands with guys that all have the same name ... it's a very strange, and very sad coincidence ... I won't say what that name is though ... wouldn't want more of them to come around, thinkin' they're gonna get laid). I'm sure that D.'s roommate told him about his little sex-scapade with my close friend ... and he must have realized that he got jipped. Actually, he probably had that realization way back in December. But like I said, there's no way I would have done the nasty with this guy (no matter how drunk I was).

This really sucks. Everytime a guy dumps me (in the future) I will always have to think that the reason he is dumping me is because I don't believe in sex before marriage. That's a big deal with "normal" guys. I don't think I'll ever find a "normal" guy that will ever want to stay with a girl he can't sleep with. And I would never ask that of a "normal" guy. And when I say "normal," I mean, of course, non-Mormon. "Normal" guys have not made the same decision for chastity as Mormon guys, and I would never expect that from a "normal" guy without some ulterior motive. (By the way, I may be Mormon, but I don't want to marry a Mormon guy)

I have to ask myself though, realistically, if an opportunity arose to have sex with a guy (before marriage, of course), would I do it? Would I hold out for my church belief's sake? I don't know what I would do anymore.

I've never been in a "relationship" that lasted more than two weeks (which is really sad, considering I'm about to turn twenty). So it's hard for me to picture myself in such a situation. Well, I guess that's not true. I have had several guys tell me that they wanted to sleep with me ("If you ever decide that you don't want to be a virgin anymore, just let me know"). I could have had sex by now, no problem. (Hmmm, wonder what my sister would think if she knew THAT)

Though I feel the pain of people like Yonphi (hang in there buddy, you'll get some soon I'm sure), my virginity is self-inflicted (note my use of the word "inflicted" as opposed to some other word ... I'm suggesting that there's pain involved in a decision like that ... emotional pain, that is ... well, who am I kidding, physical pain too ... just because I'm "pure" sexually, doesn't mean I don't think about or have the desire to jump a guys bones).

This is a really hard time for me. I'm confused about everything and I don't know what I believe anymore.

On the one hand, I see the benefits of celebacy before marriage. It prevents the spread of disease, and helps a couple to remain monogomous during marriage (the more sex partners you have before marriage, the more likely you are to cheat on your spouse). Plus, a lot of people that decide to have sex are not ready for that kind of emotional connection (whether before or after marriage).

But on the other hand, I don't know if I'd want to marry someone that I was not sexually intimate with. I certainly wouldn't want to marry a guy that had NO IDEA what he was doing. That's kind of a double standard, isn't it. I expect purity from myself, but not from the man in my life. How quaint. But what if I married a (virgin)guy that was horrible in bed? What kind of a marriage would that turn into?

So either way, I'd be "ruining" my life. My family would surely disown me if I had sex before marriage. My sister would probably never speak to me again. But a lack of sexual intimacy in marriage would surely plunge me into a depression (I'm kind of prone to that sort of thing). I lose either way!

I wish that this decision wasn't so frustrating. Sometimes I wish that I had not been raised the way that I was. Why can't I just be normal? I don't <i>want</i> to be different from everyone else where this topic is concerned. I want to be "normal" and not have to labor over the pros and cons. Any "normal" person wouldn't have to do that.

So I guess it comes down to this: would I have sex with a guy I wasn't married to? My answer: I probably would. I would fight myself to the very last second, but I don't think that it's an argument I could win. In the end, my heart would win out. I guess it won't even matter really. Once my parents find out that I used to smoke weed and drink alcohol, they'll disown me anyway. *Sigh* This weighs heavily on my heart.

On an un-related topic, I told my sister that I was changing my major today. And she proceeded to try and get me to go to her school now that "nothing" was keeping me in Portland anymore. I refused to even think about it. She said she's going to tell my mom, so that she will harrass me about it too. Dammit! I shouldn't have told her. Now I'm going to have to answer all the questions about the whys and the whats. And defend my staying here. They just don't get it. I love Portland. I love it with all my heart. It is the first place that I ever remember truly being happy. I have friends that love me and would die for me (and I them). I like my school, and I like the Portland people. The diversity is great. I LOVE all the gay people. They're great. It makes me happy that they are living a lifestyle that makes them happy (despite what the world/society thinks about it).

There isn't any of that in Utah. I'd look forward to isolation and depression (because like I said, I'm prone to that sort of thing). I have this "thing" where I like to do what I want, whenever I want. And that would conflict severely with the un-relenting rules at that institution of intolerance. I wouldn't be happy. Sure, I'd be closer to my brother and sister, but then I'd have to leave behind Oregon. I'd have to leave behind "a dollar being exactly one dollar (no sales tax)" and not pumping my own gas (even though I rarely drive). Oregon is my home. It's what I need at this point in my life. I don't want to go to Utah. It doesn't warm my soul, like Oregon does. Utah is a barren wasteland to me. It has no charm, no trees, and no rain.

I like trees .... and I like rain. And I like the beaches, and driving north on I-5 on the way home, and that feeling that I get when I see the outskirts of Portland start to creep into view. And I like the tall buildings, the freeways, and the buses. I like the "big city" life ... and I'm not going to leave it. Everytime something good starts to happen to me, it's ripped from my grasp. I'm not letting anyone rip Portland away from me. They'll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.

 

[stringbassguru]

Porn and Chicken

Ha! Fooled ya with the title. There will be no mention of porn OR chicken. Sorry to those who were really looking forward to it. LOL

So I've been job searching lately (I've filled out about 15 applications, made resumes, and cover letters for all of them). It's just not looking up for me. None of the places that I went to actually said that they were hiring. They were all very wishy-washy. They would only say they were "accepting applications." And some places were just plain rude! I'm going to see if K. can give me a heads-up on any resident manager positions that are opening up at the end of this term (cuz she's a resident manager). RM's get free rent, by the way. That's what's really killing me. Rent. I would be fine financially if I didn't have to pay, but as it's going right now, I'll be very broke in two months.

You know that chick I said KN had a crush on? She has a boyfriend. HAHAHAHAHAHHA. I noticed that she had a ring (with a saphire) on her left ring finger. I'm like, "I like your ring. It's purdie." And she's like, "Yeah? My boyfriend got it for me soooo long ago." And I made sure to ask about it when KN was sitting right there. BWAHAHAHAHAHA .... I'm such a bitch. I feel kind of bad for him though. KIND OF. He can just go home and spend more time with his new shiny computer. That's all he ever does anyway. If it weren't for the fact that he gives great back massages, I'd say that he wasn't meant for human socialization. That's kind of mean, but he really distances himself from people. Yep, he's gonna be a politician some day.

Rant of the day:

There are two types of people. Introverts (me) and extroverts (not me). These two groups communicate in different ways. It's my opinion that there are two ways in which we communicate socially. You can be a mix of both (the best way to be), but most people drift toward one side or the other.

Extroverts are storytellers. They tell stories about life (funny or serious) and they like to be the center of attention while they tell you their story. When they're done with their story, some want you to tell a story (well, at least one of my friends does this ... he doesn't understand that I'm NOT a storyteller, and therefore can't tell stories). Their brains collect stories and have a knack at making stories better/funnier (excuse my grammar), because it's a necessity for communication.

Introverts are what I like to call "topic conversationalists." We don't tell stories. We start with a simple topic, and we talk. Gradually that topic changes to a different topic, then a different topic, and another, and another. There may be short quirky aneqdotes thrown in to support/refute the topic, but the conversation is equal between people. This kind of conversation requires that the two people have similar interests, otherwise there will be little room for topical expansion (and lulls are created). This is perhaps why introverts are so introverted, ay?

I'm an introvert. And I don't tell stories. Never could. My friend that I mentioned earlier, used to always complain that I didn't talk to him. But it wasn't my fault (or his) that we don't have the same communication style. He liked to tell his story and then hear someone else. I could never provide a story for him that was more than two sentences (after he talks for ten minutes about one thing). Then he'd always ask me outright, what I thought of things.

I just can't answer questions directly. If you want to know something about me, you have to get there in a roundabout way. Kind of like you're sneaking up on the answer. I can't just say what I'm thinking, because it goes against my safeguards. If you want to know me, you have to sit down and talk to me mutually about everything, or you'll learn nothing. Another thing about me is that I retain useless facts. I can't apply complex philosophies to abstract models, but I CAN tell you which state has the highest per capita jello consumption. It's sad really. I'm smart. I was a fucking valedictorian, but I just don't <i>get</i> stuff like I used to. I mean, I understand it in my head, but once it has to come out, it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I need concrete facts and examples to illiustrate. That's just the way my brain works. Maybe that's why music just isn't working out. I can get the theory, but it just doesn't translate into playing for me.

end rant

I felt like shit this morning. So I got up, made myself up all pretty and went to class. I don't know if this works for other people, but when I feel like shit, dressing myself up all purdie makes me feel better. That might not be something that people with peni (this <i>could</i> be the plural ... I like it a lot better than the alternative) could understand, but I digress.

Dating is bull shit. I give up. I'm not doing it anymore. So FUCK YOU DATING WORLD!

And I'm spent ...