Examination of Self
So, I guess to start off I should specify what type of crazy I am. First, to reassure all you readers out there (if any), I'm not hack, hack, slash, slash, kill, kill crazy........although I do have the occasional(ok, a little bit more then occasional) fantasy/daydream where I beat the shit out of some villian or asshole from the past.....
But I think that's just a part of my adolescence that is still lingering on.
I'm also not of the 'hearing voices' crazy, the 'I see dead people' crazy, the 'I'm going to cut myself' crazy, the 'Everything is covered in germs' crazy (although I DO wash my hands quite frequently), nor I am convinced the government is going to get me. (Yeah, 'cause you know, I'm TERRIFIED of the CANADIAN government).
In fact, if you didn't know better, you would think that I was a normal young man, albeit a rather quiet, shy and dull one. I have quite a few friends of both sexes, and get along with those that are younger or older then me. Even my parents and friends think that I'm normal. Well, normal enough anyway.
In fact, my insanity lies so deep within me that nobody would know unless I told them. And even then then probably wouldn't believe me.
You would have to be inside my head to understand.....you see, my brain has many different aspects, all screaming out at once. Some are louder then others, and are able to drown others out. To clarify, these are NOT voices..., nor are they different personalities trying to get out.......its just my brain with all its different opinions and viewpoints are all competing to be the overriding thought in my head. But, they always seem to get along.....it just leads to an aggravating life.
Without really thinking about it(no pun intended), I can note 7 different 'Brains' that are usually going at all times.
The Work Brain - I have an 4 year honours degree in Geography, and am currently in a VERY intensive post-graduate program. I wouldn't be here without my work brain. The very logical part of me that thrives on work and problems to solve. VERY logical....TOO logical really. Its very hard to approach any sort of relationship with the opposite sex with a logical approach....trust me, it doesn't work
Probably the loudest part of my total brain.
The Angry Brain - Just to specific, the angry brain is rarely angry at anybody.....only me. This brain will scream at me for anything I do wrong....especially in social situations, and ESPECIALLY with those of the opposite sex. This part of my brain will pick apart my entire day to make sure I've made no social faux pas, and will let me know if I did. Proof of the effectiveness of this part of my brain is that it sometimes keeps me up due to things I've done wrong......OVER TEN YEARS AGO.
Often works in tandem with the Pessimist/Self Downer brain, and has a significant presence in my total brain.
The Pessimist/Self Downer Brain - I hate this part of my brain.....never fails to tell me how much of a piece of shit I am, how I'm a loser, etc. etc. Will take examples from Angry brain to proof its point. Is suppressed most of the time, but when it comes out..........Moral that this brain broadcasts: It's ok not to try, because you would have failed anyway. This brain part has no sway over my academic/work life, but a great deal of clout in my social life.
The Sex/Relationship Brain - Like most people, I have a sex drive. Unfortunately the self doubt that both the Angry brain and the Self Downer Brain creates eliminates my chances with any girl. Still, Sex/Relationship brain does offer up some interesting comments now and then, although is never fulfilled. I guess the really funny thing about this (at least I find it funny) is that Angry brain and Self Downer Brain, by preventing Sex/Relationship Brain from getting what it wants, are perpetuating their own misery.
Oh well.
The Fun Brain - Rarely comes out.....but when he does, he's actually a blast at parties. A good drunk. Unfortunately, when Fun Brain is being reclusive, Work Brain tries to take over.......... which is stupid, because then I end up talking about school.
The Moderator - As best as I can describe it, the moderator is ME....it is the voice that I use within me to enhance/supress the brains within me. Sometimes he works out well, but he's been having some problems lately.
The Soundtrack - Wish your life had a soundtrack? Well, mine does. Most of the time its pretty cool, with a large variety of music, from classical to alternative (no country) playing all day. Unfortunately, sometimes I think someone starts to tinker with my internal playlist, and I end up with 'It's a small world after all' resonating within my head for hours at a time.
These 'Brains', as well as a few minor bit players are always around. Proof that I'm crazy: Self Downer brain is already calling me a loser for writing all this.
Not proof enough?
It's currently 10:00 pm on a Friday.....I'm at home alone writing this.....even though I had an offer to go out drinking tonight with a bunch of people......and even though I had a great time last time I went out.
<Sigh>
I'm completely fucking nuts.
Stay tuned for the next episode(all 0 of you) for.....
BRAINS IN ACTION!!!!!
