Losing my mind 1 cell at a time

[cuedog]

Well, the show is over and I am back in the city. It is good to be back and seeing people I haven't seen for a month. The one person I have yet to see is Ryan, the roommate from Hell. He is in Ohio hopefully getting money from his parents. I've heard that before, so I'll believe it when I see it.
I want to be motivated now that I am back. I want to do a lot of auditions and clean up my apartment and find a job. I was offered a show in Washington Square Park yesterday , but I think I am going to have to turn it down. I hate saying no to my friends. It always feels like I am rejecting their friendship when I reject their show offers.
Saw the Woody Allen movie and Dueces Wild movie yesterday. I enjoyed them both.


Roommate Debt Update:
$1231.50 to me
$1200 to landlord
$2431.50 total debt

 

[cuedog]

This journal to me is like that friend I keep meaning to call back. I think about it every few days and then all of a sudden it has been months since I talked to my friend, and it is almost embarrassing to just pick up the phone and call. I mean what was I doing, that I couldn't just call. Sure, when I was in Virginia out of my element, we'd talk almost every day. But now that I am back in New York, it's like I don't have time for my friend anymore. What, do I think I am too good for my friend now? Have I outgrown my friend?
I'm sorry journal. I have been a bad friend. I will try to stay in touch better.

I feel like shit this morning. I really think cutting back on cigarettes has to be in my future...if I expect to have a future. My father was a smoker. He died at 39 of cancer. I am such an idiot. How the hell did I let myself go down the same road. It should be simple when you think about it. If you share genes with someone who was killed by cigarettes it is probably a bad idea if you smoke cigarettes...unless there is something else going on in your psyche.

It is time I acknowledged the breakup of The Joneses. It is a shame and I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I still love all my friends from the team, but I have a lot of anger about the situation. Go ahead...it's o.k. to vent.
I hate the fact that a group that has been a part of our lives since October is no longer a part of our lives. I hate that we had a big meeting clearing the air, where we all decided to give the group a chance only to have people start quitting about a week later. One rehearsal does not make giving a group a chance. I hate that I am angry about it. I hate that we broke up just when we started performing shows. It took a long time to get to that point and then we gave up. I hate that I got much of the information about what's going on in my group from this message board. I hate the fact that I might think it's good thing that we aren't still together. I hate that I am going to leave the group as well, rather than try to pick up the pieces. I hate that the whole thing might be good right now.
I feel bettter now. I'll miss The Joneses. But, O Bla Di.
I have started hitting the gym...I am sore...I need to lose weight.

 

[cuedog]

I feel horrible. I have been pretending that I am not sick for the last week, but I guess I am. I want to go to class tonight, but I feel like the best thing would be to just lie in bed and not use my voice all night.
I have been watching a lot of news television lately and I don't know how I ever became as conservative as it seems that I am becoming. Would Jason at 14 like Jason at 27? I don't think he would. Does Jason at 27 like Jason at 27? Not entirely.
I watched D. Kile's memorial service today...sad. So young, yet only 6 years older than me. He was an athlete. I am an out of shape, smoker who drinks. Draw your own conclusions.
I miss being in love. It has been a while and sometimes I don't feel like I miss it. I certainly rarely persue it. But sometimes it hits me hard. The other night, I was lying in bed and I felt so overwhelmed by a feeling of lonliness. It felt so uncomfortable that I had to leave my room to find some human contact. I did then when I lied down again the feeling hit me again.
I remember as a child taking for granted that one day I will fall in love and get married. That was before i ever fell in love. That was before rejection. That was before cynacism. That was before becoming bored and screwing things up. That was before I learned what loss felt like. Tomorrow I will be an optimist. Today I am wallowing and I feel rediculous being so negative, but hey...I am sick today.
I think the thing I miss most about having a girlfriend is not the over abundance of sex. It is the calm...the calm to not be looking for someone becuase you're happy with who you are with. The nights on the couch watching a movie. Going to dinner with Lacey and conspiring against the world with her. Feeling that we had this great secret that nobody else could even comprehend.
I remember when I met Lacey. i was sitting on thoses benches that gave you waffle-ass reading a novel. She started talking to me and said, "Wow, a Frat guy who reads". I remember the good times and the bad...i.e. her throwing our living room phone at me in a crashing from coke fit. Her telling me, "If you did coke you would lose so much weight and you'd be so hot." I remember a lot about my relationship with Lacey. That friggin roller-coaster of partying. I really don't think about those times very ofter and I am not quite sure why. I also don't know how to get in touch with her. I haven't seen or talked to her in probably 6 years, and we lived together. How do you become so intimate with someone and then totally lose touch?
So was dealing with all the messed up things in our relationship better or worse than being alone?

 

[cuedog]

I just talked to Ella on the phone and told her my feelings on The Joneses. She called me with a "Let's get more people and move on" phone call. I don't know what I want to do as far as the whole thing goes. I certainly don't want to be in charge of the whole thing....that's for sure.
All I know is I just feel frustrated right now...and my throat hurts.

 

[cuedog]

I may just be high on Diet Pepsi, but I feel really energized and positive at the moment. I had a decent day. I worked until 6 and then went to dinner with a buddy I haven't seen since our trip to Atlantic City months ago. The last I saw him was actually as we got off the bus at the casino as I then proceeded to gamble so long that I missed the bus back to NYC. Whoops.
I saw the 8 pm show at the theatre tonight and had a great time. It was my first time seeing the Syndicate and I really enjoyed them. Jon Daly did a kick ass hosting job. And Respecto always pumps me up. I really love watching that group. They make me laugh harder than any group at the theatre and they have such awesome teamwork. They always look like they are having so much fun.
As far as performing goes, I am happy to see that it looks like my Thursday practice group is going to start performing. There are so many good players in that group, and I always have a great time playing with them. It is nice to have a situation where you can just stop thinking at let it flow and the Thursday group has provided that for me much of the time. Plus, I am at a point in my life where I need to perform. I love to actually be out there. It is great to do it as an actor, and I will always continue acting, but there is a rush that comes with Improv that reminds me more of when I used to sing in a band than acting in a play.
The other cool thing about tonight was just realizing how many people in the UCBT community that I know and really like hanging out with. Getting involved at the theatre has been a great thing. I have a friend who does Improv at CCL and she is always degrading the "UCB cult'. First of all...not a culty....Secondly, I have one thing to say about the people who say that crap. "They just don't know."
So, I am in a good mood tonight and I have tomorrow off, so who knows if I will ever fall asleep. Thank God for digital cable.

 

[cuedog]

I hate getting sick and I rarely throw up when I do, but sure enough this weekend in the third day of the Annoyance workshops...I got sick...multiple times....and abruptly left the workshop. I feel completley unprofessional just leaving like that, but ugh...i felt horrible.
As far as the workshops themselves....awesome. I took a Joe Bill workshop a year ago when I was about three weeks into Level 1...a year later, I am even more impressed and excited about the experience. Both Joe and Mark are great teachers and the thing I like the most is the philosophies behind their approach to improvisation.
Some things I got out of the workshop:

1. Too many improvisers perform out of obligation...obligation to your scene partner, obligation to the rules, obligation to the audience, obligation to the dialogue. The goal is to perform out of a place of inspiration. This is something you heard a lot from both Joe and Mark and the more they talked about inspiration the more inspired I got.

2. The definition of character is "how you do what you do". There are three way you do what you do. The physical, the verbal and the emotional.

3. Of those three ways you do what you do your emotional perspective is the most important. Your scene partner can deny your words, they can deny your physical world (walk through a table you set up), but they cannot deny your emotional reality unless you let them.

4. The best way you can make your partner look good is to take care of your own shit. "Put on your oxygen mask before putting the mask on the little kid in the seat next to you." The best gift you can give your scene partner is just to make full choices that you stick with and then let yourself be effected to the other character on stage. Don't worry if you two are starting from different places, just have trust that something will come from it.

5. Speak the character's voice, not the improviser's voice.

6. The words mean nothing. (as evidenced with rounds of non-sequiter scenes that were incredible.) You do not have to label everything on stage for the audience. Let the audience do some of the work. They all might have different opinions on what the plot of the scene was...and they all would be right.

7. Object work...you should only be asking your self two questions when doing an activity or object work...Qustion: "How do I do this?" Answer: "Just do it?" Question: "Am i doing this right?" Answer: "Yes."

8. Have a point of view on your enviornment. The enviornment is the third character in a scene.

9. Vary where you play scenes on stage. If you keep playing scenes in the same placed it starts to look like the same scene over and over again.

10. In a long-form, the first few scenes should have different energies from each other and should be edited before completion. That way you and the audience aren't fully satisfied and are craving a second beat.

11. Be inspired to your emotional response to a suggestion not your intellectual response.

I hope I keep checking in with what I learned this weekend.

 

[cuedog]

Man, I really used to handle smoking weed better than I do these days. I remember in the early days of drug experimentation weed was the shit. I would have people over all the time. We'd smoke weed and then we'd do something. Smoke then go to the beach, Smoke then go to a student government meeting at the university, smoke then hit a bar, smoke then go to the movies.
Not anymore. These days smoking weed makes me paranoid, tired, and hungry. Yet, I enjoy the activity of smoking up if no longer the result.
The other night I smoked with my roommate and some friends of ours. Within an hour, I passed out in my room while watching Apocolypse Now Redux and woke up an hour later to the movie Lenny. Depressing movies. I started losing my shit. My mind wandered to the fact that I am 27 alone and I am probably going to die alone. I began to obsess about how ugly I was and kept thinking my arm was going to fall out of its socket. My heart beat was audible to me and I new I would have a heart attack. Finally, I left the room for the company of the living room.
Why does getting older mean that I can't handle things the way I used to? The body doesn't lose weight so easy, weed make me lose my shit, the hangovers from boozing it up are worse, can I really drop that cigarette habit anymore?
I remember when I was a kid always wanting to get older. Now, I wonder what happened to 22. What happened to the relationships I screwed up with my own bullshit? What happened to all the potential I had? I always felt like the youngest one...at every stage of my life. Not this one. I am beginning to feel old.
How do you meet new people these days? Is there any way to meet women in this city besides going to a bar? I had no idea how easy I had it when I was in college. Women fell out of the vagina trees down in Tampa. They would do the pursuing. I just sat on my ass, did my acting and singing thing, and would fall into situations.
Now, I have turned into the geek who is up at 4 am writing in a online journal on a fucking improv message board. Mayb, I should smoke a bowl.

 

[cuedog]

This is the part of my life that is frequently called paying my dues, but that's cool..I'll pay some freakin dues. I'll pay and still have fun.
The toughest thing right now, career wise, is that financially I am in shambles. I am paying dearly for spending the better part of a year unemployed and the stock market sucking bad.
To add to my financial woes I am producing a musical right now with somewhere around a $5000 budget. Should I be dumping money into the project? No. It is going to be a kick-ass show though. We have got a great cast, a bizzare script, and incredible music....plus the play has strippers, baby. Strippers.

I currently have a job and it is acting in a resturaunt. It reminds me of theme park acting, but hey...I am not sitting behind a desk and I am not waiting table. Basically, what I do is I dress up in costume and then go around and improv with the tables. My character is pretty insulting which is fun. The other part of my job is going up to a shound booth and running animatronic puppets....and on sat. nights I am a kareoke host. The only bad part is that when no one is around the job is boring. But it is acting related and I am working there on an Equity contract, so as far as day jobs go...not so bad.

I love all the new improv opportunities. I send out major props to Rachel and Joe for setting up Flipside and to John and Stan for setting up Lounge in Monsters Pajamas. I am in a group right now that I really love playing with. Our show last Sunday was so much fun to do and I am so excited to do more. The way things are looking I should be performing improv at least 3-4 times a month probably more. What a great chance to have fun and learn. The opportunities are out there if you make them happen, and I am totally geeked about them.

I booked a local commercial, my manager tells me. What is it for? He hasn't told me that part yet. You gotta love getting a booking without an audition.

So, I am working hard these day, and pretty pumped up. Has it made me more than a pauper. Nope, but I am a productive actor. I always get pissed off when people tell me they are actors, yet they don't act and don't audition. There are so many of those people out there. People need to reexamine their job definitions. Actors act. If you don't act...you are not an actor.

 

[cuedog]

I remember a dream I had last night.

I was watching a production of Macbeth. It was performing at Circle in the Square which is my old stomping grounds and the theatre that I played the Porter in the same show. It was being directed by Mark Greenfield who has directed me in several other productions (not at Circle) so I felt obliged to go see it. The play had an urban theme. I don't remember all the details, but I know the witches were rapping gangsta style. Early in the first act the actor playing Ross went down and couldn't continue the show. Mark runs over to me in the audience and tells me to go on. Although, I never played Ross before I jump up there and start jammin with them. It was awesome except for the fact that I didn't appreciate the cuts Mark had made in the Ross/Malcolm/MacDuff scene. At the end of the show, I went backstage to congratulate the cast.

This dream had the making of the traditional actor's nightmare, going onstage to play Hamlet and not knowing any of it, with a few twists.

1. It wasn't Hamlet.

2. It wasn't a nightmare, in fact it was a very good dream.

3. I was put on to play a supporting role.

4. Instead of terrifying me, i was excited about the prospect of performing Shakespeare without knowing the lines.

I think I attribute this dream to Improv. I mean it's pretty obvious that while a thing like this would scare the shit out of a tradional actor. It would be awesome for an improvisor to hit the stage with nothing and produce work the quality of Shakespeare. I am not quite sure how to analyze the dream in regards to my life, but I think there might be something in the fact that I went out there to play Ross rather than Macbeth himself.

 

[cuedog]

EPA auditions are a freaking nightmare. The EPA is such a horrible event, but a needed one, I suppose. The thing that sucks the most about it is the endurance test. In order to get an audition time, I try to get to the Actor's Equity building before 7am where I take my place in the line that extends down the block. I then stand outside until the doors open at 8am, when I follow the cow in front of me in line up the stairs where I get to wait for another 30 minutes to an hour to sign up for an audition time. Finally, I audition for a show that may be looking for actors or more likely have the actors they need from agent submissions and are holding the EPA to satisfy the union regulations. Bullshit! But what do you do? Not go to the audition and wait for someone to knock on your door with a job?

We started rehearsals on my theatre company's new show The Ruins. Times are hectic. I am excited about the cast, but worried about the fact that we lost 5 actors before rehearsals even began and still need to finish casting. Also, where the hell am I going to find the rest of the money to put this show up? I hope those tax deductable donations are rolling in. I am excited to be acting in the show. The Ruins is a show I believe in and I think the music in it is awesome.

So, people got invited to audition for Harold teams. Awesome. It is about time. I have heard some of the names and they kick ass. People talk about compitition at UCB all the time. To them I say...There is no compitition. I think everyone I have spoken to are genuinly happy about those who are auditioning. The closed audition thing is a great idea (even if it prevents me from auditioning) and I can't wait to see my friends take there spots on the stage on Thursday nights. It is going to be a lot of fun to watch.

I have been on the Atkins diet for a little over a week now. I feel a difference and I get irritable a little easier than before. I had to start losing weight. I can't afford to buy new clothes.

Oh, well. Life...here's to it.

 

[cuedog]

Here I sit, unable to sleep, chain smoking cigarettes and watching High Fidelity...great fucking movie and book.

I can't believe The Ruins are over. What an experiance. Producing a show that cost thousands of dollars more than I had at the time we started rehearsal...acting in the same show...working on publicity, costumes, props and trying to help maintain the integrity of the show. I can't believe we got the show up.

I loved so many of the actors in the show. I send shout outs to Eirik, Dave, Brian, Mimi, Laura, and Ken. You guys, more than anyone, gave me such joy to watch work and to work with. I love working with actors who put in the work. Actors who I know care about what they do....actos who put aside egocentric needs for the sake of doing good work...It makes whatever hassles I had putting up the show and whatever money I lost worth it. It makes me glad to have a theatre company. That was the idea.

I hear the sounds of sex coming from our houseguests in the next room. At leaast someone is gettin some in the apartment tonight.

I need to find the next gig. Progress begets progress.

I still need to lose weight.

I am seriously thinking about a trip to L.A. for pilor season...I have never been there before and apparently I have an agent waiting for me out there. I am nervous about that prospect.

I can not stomach day jobs.

I need to act. I need to do the work. I love the craft. I love myself when I am acting. It is good to put yourself in a situation that you love.

Life is...unsettled.

 

[cuedog]

The Slump overwhelms me. It seeps into all. My work, my happiness, my health, my social skills...the more you try to escape The Slump, the more The Slump becomes powerful. The Slump is giving me a headache.

Last night, I did a horrible show. I got off stage and didn't know whether to cry or scream...I compromised and stewed.

This is supposed to be fun, but for me doing bad work is not fun. It is horrible.
_______________________________________________________________
Me: I feel so frustrated.
Alan Langdon: That is wonderful.
Me: How can frustration be wonderful? I am in hell.
Alan Langdon: Frustration is exactly where you want to be right now.
Me: Oh, God…The pain, the torment.
Alan Langdon: Because out of frustration will come a moment of clarity.
Me: Clarity?
Alan Langdon: That’s how we learn…it’s experiential.
-________________________________________________________________
When I was pledging my Fraternity, we got our ass handed to us at Greek Week. At the awards ceremony we had to sit there and listen as each award was given out. We listened to all the cheers. We saw the “Joy of Victory” from afar. We felt terrible.

Pro-Consul Roger Brogan: How does this feel? Bad, right? Remember this feeling. Don’t ever forget how bad this feels. Then do everything in your power to make sure you never feel like this again.
-______________________________________________________________

Roberta: I was trying so hard. The exercise went so well last time and this time I just couldn’t get it.
Jackie: It’s dangerous when we do something well. We want the same result the next time we do it. So we go for that result. But we’ll never get there by going for the result. We must just fall in love with the process, stay true to the process and trust that the result will follow. You can’t force a result. It will be different every time.
Roberta: But I was feeling things.
Jackie: Put it in the words…It doesn’t matter what you feel. It only matters what you express.
Roberta: I was doing the process. I was working on my sense memory. I was trying so hard to see the cat, to pet the cat, but I kept losing it…I kept trying to pet the cat, but I couldn’t.
Jackie: Forget about the cat! All you need is the fucking purr!
___________________
I don’t want to go to my job today. I want to sleep and watch football.

 

[cuedog]

Tomorrow, I move to Florida.
Tomorrow, I start anew.

How many different times in my life have I bullshitted myself with talk about starting anew. It doesn’t change the problems. It is a fucking band-aid and that’s all it is. The problem is I am bleeding all over my clothes, and I need a band-aid.

Tomorrow, I do move to Florida. The major goals are simple. Get out of debt, get physically healthy, and get out. This is me, unofficially sending myself to rehab, and my only hope of coming out the other side is to stay focused.

I will miss the New York improv community, so much that it almost hurts my stomach to leave. But, I will be back up here for some auditions and will hopefully get to sit in on a Documentary show while I’m back.

This is the first time I have moved somewhere because of circumstances pressing on me, while my gut is sick about it.

So, Florida…here I come….I’ll keep you posted.

I will be back.

 

[cuedog]

Sunny Florida is a chilly 53 degreees, and I am the only one wearing shorts.

Life is o.k. down here. I have a beautiful clean house, 2 roommates, and at the moment I share the house with a cat and a dog as well. Frank might be the oldest dog i've ever seen. "Play coma, Frank...Good dog"

I start work with Florida Studio Theatre on Friday. Just a month contract, but I am really looking forward to it.

I am actually using my gym membership. We'll see how long that lasts.

I saw a play last night. If not a good show, it was still a fun show.

I have seen my cousins a lot, which makes me happy.

Today is BBQ buffet. Yum.

 

[cuedog]

I am so pumped up today!

I have an audition today for a late casting role at a theatre in St. Pete that I love. i thought the show was already cast and the audition just ended up in my lap. So psyched.

Then off to Sarasota for the first day of rehearsals at FST.

These are the days that make it all worth while.

Bucs on Sunday. Orlando audition on Monday.

Motivation at a high.