Losing my mind 1 cell at a time

[cuedog]

Well, I have never succeeded in keeping up a journal. So what makes me think I can have any better luck this time? Not much, but away we go.
I am an asshole. I know this. I get fired up about something and then I lash out. This is not how Dale Carnegie instructs me to win friends and influence people. I layed into my roommate so bad on Wed. night. It was 3 months of provocation building up.
I hate when people don't take responsibility for themselves but instead choose to lie, trick, and cover up.
When we moved into our apartment in January my roommate came to me the day of the lease signing to let me know he didn't have the money. He was waiting for a settlement for the job he just got layed off from and would be able to pay me after the weekend. O.k., I'll get a cash advance on my credit card. What's two days? I am also an idiot.
I have spent the last three months hearing how he was going to get me the money and then hearing the excuses why it didn't happen.
1. I am waiting for my settlement which will be in on Monday. I don't know why it's not here yet . They say it'll be in next week. Finally, they screwed me over and I didn't get the money I was supposed to.
2. Here's a check for $1000. The check bounces. "I don't understand why the check bounced." Easy. You don't have enough money in the bank to cover a check...the check bounces.
3. My mom is loaning me the money. She is sending you a check. Did you get my mom's check yet? No, not yet? I'll just get a new one this weekend when I go to Ohio. She's not loaning me the money.
4. I am going to give you $800 from my retirement account. You'll have it in two days. That's good, right? They need to send me a form. They have to process it. It's in the mail, do you want to hear the message? 1 week later. It's in the mail do you want to hear the message?
5. I am going to give you my tax return. I should get it in 48 hours. Still waiting.
So, I went off on him. I don't want to hear how sorry you are that you drank all my beer in the fridge and have to go buy some more. Don't buy more. Give me my money.
I don't want to hear how we need to get a new futon. Sit on the furnature we have and give me my money.
I don't want to see you ordering food delivered. Buy some Ramen noodles and get me my money.
Don't tell me how good of a roommate you are. Get me my money.
Get a friggin job! You are sitting on your ass for three months not working, not auditioning, going out drinking. Have you done anything productive in the last 3 months. Get a friggin job and get me my money.
You are the Yassir Arafat of this apartment. Make a deal...the deal falls through. boo hoo.
Scary thing is...I still consider this guy my friend. Our other roommate thinks the whole thing is insane and barely likes the guy anymore. Not good.
So, the delinquent roommate is going to Philadelphia to get a job having drugs experimented on him. A weeks work for 3000 bucks. He has to leave the house at 7 am...at 10 am he is still snoring in his room.
AAARRGGHHH

 

[cuedog]

When I signed a contract in December to go do a show in Virginia, I never thought I wouldn't want to go. Yet as I avoid packing, stay out until 5 in the morning, and type on this computer a voice nags away at my head saying, "Just don't show up. They'll never find you." People always say you should listen to that little voice inside of you. You shouldn't. That voice is a troublemaker. That voice wants you to screw up, so it can just laugh at you and say "Well you shouldn't hve listened to me, dumbass."
So today I will blatantly ignore my inner voice and pack my clothes, pack up my computer, pack up my joy and happiness, and start my 10 hour journey to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Roanoke, VA where I will get payed to act in what doesn't promise to be the best show, but it will be at a good theatre with good director.
F. Murray Abraham once told us to always write down why you are doing a show so when you get frustrated and start screaming "Why? Why? Why?", you can look at that piece of paper and say "Oh yeah, that's why."
I always wonder what happens if you can't think of a reason to write down in the first place.
I will miss my NY friends while I am gone. I will miss Improving with my friends. Most of all, I will miss having people that I know around. I don't know anyone in Virginia. It's the first day of kindergarten again, only this time my parents sent me to a boarding school.

 

[cuedog]

yesterday I drove to Baltimore, Maryland and found my Road Rage had come out of remission. 8 miles in 45 minutes...woo hoo...we're making time now. when I got there I me my new 5 day old cousin...so cute...something about holding that precious child made me think..."Quick, take it back."

I just got into Roanoke and am in my new room...It is kind of a combination of hotel and dorm...nice private bedroom, shared bathrooom. I haven't met anyone yet. I'm thinking of going out and checkin out the little city.

and I damn well better look at my script. rehearsals start tomorrow.


Roommate Debt Update: $1303.27

 

[cuedog]

i met people in my cast last night. they seem pretty cool. i start rehearsals today at 1. i feel a little unprepared having not heard the music. i am not off-book either, although i don't anticipate that being a problem at this stage in the game. a week from now, maybe.

Best thing about virginia- 3 packs of Camel lights for $5.83
Worst thing about viginia- i got a month membership to a gym, as if a new enviornment will change my motivation to get healthy.

or maybe i am trying to keep balance between my viginia cigarette intake and my health

Roommate Debt Update: $1303.27

 

[cuedog]

Well, we started rehearsals yesterday and it feels like we've been here for a week. I feel like I have so much work to do...lines, songs, blocking, choreography. It has been a year since my last musical and the bulk of our cast are music theatre regulars. They sound amazing and I sound...well I sound like I need to smoke a carton of cigarettes a day to hit the low notes in my song. Luckily, I am actually kind of funny in this role and I am trying to use that to make up for the shortcomings. We dance today and I am a little nervous.
So with all the work I have to do, I went for some drinks last night and shot enough pool to last a lifetime or at least until tonight.
Roanoke is pretty cool it is a mix of southern preppie and hippie. The weather is in the 70s, so it is nice to finally have springtime.
I think the people here think I might just be nuts and they might be right. People smile a lot down here and say hello to you on the street.
A street kid asked me if I know anyone that wants to buy a pager.
I don't.

Roommate Debt Update: $1303.27

 

[cuedog]

So, I just got back from an evening of drinking. Oh, boy. I went to an Irish pub that was advertising kareoke with a buddy of mine from the cast. Yes, the Virgina women there were hot. That was not the problem. The problem was the redneck KJ or kareoke jockey. We put in our songs and Redneck KJ said it'll be awhile. I can understand that. If there is a huge line to sing, I would be willing to wait. Then Redneck KJ proceded to spend the rest of the night spinning hip hop tunes and singing along occasionally. I say occasionally to mean that he pretty much knew only the chorus of these songs. He did this for an hour and a half. "This is a request for..." "This is a dedication for..." "We're gonna switch it up a bit...Play me some mountain music". AAARRRGGGHHH
First of all, if you are going to end kareoke for the night do not tell me "It'll be a while" Just friggin tell me you aren't taking any more songs.
Second;y, Redneck KJ is a redneck KJ. Stop trying to be hip hop boy. You cannot sing Naughty by Nature. You are a redneck from Roanoke, VA who has a job to run the damn Kareoke night. Accept your station in life. You are not going to be discovered at Kathy O'Malley's and you probably won't even get laid from it. Stop making the beautiful girls leave from boredom. I don't want to hear you singing every 8th line to Rob Base. I want to hear you bring up the next singer, which shouldn't be you. That's cool if you want to be a kick-ass redneck KJ. I think you should aspire to greatness in your profession but leave the hip hop to Young MC announce another friggin singer.
We never got to sing.

Roommate Debt Update: $1281.50

 

[cuedog]

And my pattern of joining gyms continue. I have not been to the gym since the day I joined. Great job, Jason. Money well spent.
The choreography in this show is physically painfull, but I think I am handling it pretty good. Putting up a musical in two weeks is rough. I always feel like I'm a couple of days behind, but I am excited. I think this show is really going to be fun. I didn't want to come here, but now I am glad I came.
I hang out during the daytime sober hours at the Mill Mountain Coffeehouse. It is one of those joints where all the "alternative" kids hang out in front of the the door and smoke cigarettes as they almost dare you to come inside. So, this morning I am standing outside of the door coffee in one hand, cigarette in the other hand as I mumbled lines from the Jungle Book. One of the locals came outside and asked me what I was doing. Apparently, my behavior is so freaky these days that the Freaks come out to check on me. I told her that I was workiing on the Jungle Book. She asked me who I was playing. She asked me "How come the names of most animals are wierd, yet the monkeys have normal names?" Then she said, "Ah, France" Yes, ah France. The Jungle Book takes place in India.

Roommate Debt Update: $1281.50

 

[cuedog]

So, I still haven't returned to the gym, but I know one day I may return...maybe. However, I have been on the Atkins diet for almost a month. I am getting so sick of eating protein. I want some friggin pizza. I have found down here microwave pork skins which comes in a popcorn style bag and tastes edible with some diet coke to wash it down.
Today, is my off-day which is nice. No responsibilities. No Jungle Book. The show is actually shaping up. I feel like I am right where I need to be right now. The whole show is staged and choreographed and the songs sound awesome. After a week of rehearsals we are ready to go into tech. Not bad.
I went to a different Kareoke joint with my cast last night and it was a lot of fun. There was a group of people in the corner that chanted Belushi after I sang. Yikes. As a side note there were two things I have not seen so much of in one place. Mullets and Lesbians. More often than not, it was the same person...The Mulleted Lesbian.
I hate the fact that I missed my Joneses performance at Flipside this week. I heard it went well and I'm so excited for my fellow Joneses, but it does make me miss being in NY.

Roommate Debt Update: $1281.50

 

[cuedog]

Today, has been a rough day.
We moved to the stage today, which is cool. I sprained my ankle, which was not cool.
I kept screwing this one part up each time we did it. I kept screwing it up in new ways.
A scene I'm in is called for early rehearsal tomorrow. My paranoia believes I'm the reason we are being called in.
Something is just not gelling for me, yet no one is telling me that. I know though. I am not yet in the zone.
I really want to do good work. I am very lucky to have a job and I want to nail it.
The weather was in the mid 80s and beautiful today.

Roommate Debt Update: $1281.50

 

[cuedog]

I feel better tonight...one part due to my scene's remedial rehearsal being on account of my scene partner's inability to act truthfully (rather than my outlandish character choices), one part due to having a great philisophical conversation about the nature of truth, and one part due to how drunk I am right now.
It has been a good night....my arguement in the philisopical discussion was in the nature of absolute truth...i belive there is an answer to all questions whether or not we in the physical world have the capacity for finding it. i also belive there is a difference between things that are true to us based on physical observations and based on beliefs that we can not physically prove.
It is nice to be drunk and even nicer not to be called to rehearsal until 5 tomorrow.
This show is going to be a success. Thank my improv training for giving me the belief that no matter what self-indulgent garbage an actor is giving me, I am going to make him look good. what a gift that this actor is getting on my nerves. his character is supossed to get on my character's nerves, so i can just play it real.
i am now going to happily pass out.


Roommate Debt Update: $1281.50

 

[cuedog]

There is one actor in my show that will not acknowledge the fact that anyone is even on stage with him. It doesn't matter what we do, he will have the same forced reaction. It's all about the words for him, which would be fine if it worked at all. It doesn't. He is rediculous. An actor can change what his/her performance 180 degrees and there will be no acknowledgement of it. Yesterday, i started to speak and he answered the question I was about to ask before I asked the question.

My line:
If I had been allowed to go on the hunt with you initially...

What actually happened:
ME: If I had
HIM: The reason you were not allowed to go on the hunt with me initially is that you can't keep your trap shut.

The show is going to be good despite all of this. In fact I think people will love it. It is a real fun show to be around. Good people. I have been going out too much lately, but hey I am still able to act through the hangover, so I guess it's all good.
We only have a few more rehearsals. We open on Tues. Short process, but we'll be ready.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

Yesterday, was our day off for the week and I read Cat's Cradle (great book) and went to see a bad movie. After about 15 minutes of the Scorpian King, I left the theater in favor of standing outside, smoking cigarettes, and talking on my cell phone. Markeisha (from my cast) came out of the movie when it ended angrily remarking, "That's two hours of my life I can never get back."
So, the frustration with the bad actor in my cast is now universal. Everyone in the cast and some not in the cast have approached me with comments on Steven (the bad one). Besides the crap he pulls on stage, he is getting on everyone's nerves off the stage it seems. I think he is a nice guy with a lot of issues. Real self esteem problems. And that bleeds into his onstage life. He is one of those actors that is all about himself and his ridiculous line readings. On stage with him, when you speak to him you see a vacent expression on his face as he thinks about his next line and then he cuts you off before you finish speaking. Sometimes, with the fight choreography, i feel like he makes the stage a very dangerous place.
Today, is our last rehearsals as we open tomorrow morning at 9:30. Our schedule today includes 3 run-throughs of the show, a brush up section, and two photo calls. Our two evening run-throughs tonight are invited dress rehearsals.
It is going to be a long day.
Caffine is my friend.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

It is 6:45. This is not a time of morning for an actor to be awake, but today we have our first school matinee at 9:30 am. We have a mix of bizarre times and normal times to round out our 12 shows a week schedule. So, why am I up this early? Well, I might still be drunk from last night. That is not out of the realm of possibility.
Last night...ugh...I drank too many drinks and bought too many drinks for others. It takes effort to run up a $70 bar tab in Roanoke, VA. I was out with the techs on the show, 1 other actor, the musical director, and the stage manager. What I lack for in smarts, I make up for in being social.
I really have to sing, dance, and be funny at 9:30 in the morning?
Thank God for adreneline.
We had a couple of preview performances last night and people seem to enjoy it. I am excited to see how a group of 400 kids will take to the show.
As the prop master said last night: " For such an awful script, and it is an awful script, you guys put on a good show. I actually enjoyed the show. I read the script and wanted to kill myself."
High praise indeed.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

Well, our show is up and running. We have done 4 shows in 2 days and only 2 injuries. One of the injuries being my arm coming out of its socket on stage. Fun, fun, fun. The arm is back in and I am good to go.
The show is being enjoyed by the kids that have seen it. I think the older kids like it more than the real young ones. I keep trying to make other people look good on stage...giving credibility to their schtick. It works. Thank you improv.
I am pretty tired. Having to sing and dance at 9:30 in the morning is rough, but I don't have another show until 7:30 tomorrow night. Ahhh sleep.
Just started reading The Simpsons and Philosophy.
I got a call today from a casting director for the TV show Ed. She wanted to know if I unicycled and juggled. Damn, those who told me not to take Circus Skills in college.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

and the craziness continues....our lead actor broke his foot in the show last night. we have a 2:30 rehearsal before doing a 4:30 and 7pm show tonight to see how to make it work...he dances a lot...i don't know what's going to happen. scary stuff.


Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

so, ben did the show last night in a wheelchair....it actually worked ok, made him a very simpathetic character. that's for sure. this was the preferrable option to cancelling shows. they are bringing in a replacement for ben this weekend. count on more rehearsals, but it's necessary.
the writers of this show are in town. they saw the show last night and we went for drinks afterwards. it was a wierd time.
well, i have to get some coffee in my hung over body. we have shows today at 10 am, 1 pm, and 4 pm. long day.


Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

Ben gave his last performances with us, yesterday. It was very moving. Him in a wheelchair, saying goodbye to us on stage and knowing that it wasn't just the lines in the script. It was Ben saying goodbye. Then we had some cocktails.
And last night we began rehearsing with the new guy, Jesse. Jesse is a very good dancer. We have 6 hours of rehearsal with him today on what was going to be our day off for the week. No day off this week. Oh, well you gotta do what you gotta do.
I wonder how this will change all of our roles and the on-stage dynamic. I wonder how it will change the telling of the story.
Ben was a really good actor. I'll miss playing with him on stage. But as another actor in the cast said, "That's the business."
Ah, yes. business.
I am thinking of doing some business at the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet today. I need me some General Tso's Chicken. Small rewards.
I also want to cut back on all the drinking I have been doing down here. It's not good, but there always seems to be a reason to go out and have a few drinks.
Cool down, Jason. You're not 21 anymore.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

So, we had our first shows this morning with a new lead, and I have to say Jesse did an incredible job. He learned and took a hold of the whole show in two days. I can't believe he just got the script on Sat. Mad props.
The downside of the morning show was that we had a lot of high schoolers in the audience and the show is best suited to grades k-6. The were not amused. At one point backstage, I thought, "Wow! They must think I'm that idiot Jar Jar from Star Wars." Ugh.
Today, I will see a movie, and relax. Then 9am call tomorrow.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

Don't get me wrong. I love working. I really do, but the same thing happens to me during the run of every play I do. By the last week of the show, I am ready to be done. It doesn't matter if it is a 2 week run or a 6 month run. I am fine until that last week, and that last week is tough. I am in the last week of The Jungle Book...and I am excited to come home.
At $5 a ticket I have been seeing a few movies. This week I have seen Murder by Numbers, Changing Lanes, and today I will see Spiderman at 12:30. I hope it lives up to the hype.
I was approached by a walking stereotype homeless dude yesterday. He looked like a Garret Morris character with out bones in his body. All floppy arms and legs and no teeth. He talked about being my brother, " cuz Jesus don't know no black o white. jesus don't like no redneck. some white redneck sez to me i'm yo friend but i'm not yo brother. i sez if you ain't by brother you aint my friend. he tried to beat up on me. jesus don't care bout the color of you skin. Your my brother, right. Your my brother?" we shook hands and I nodded a lot. Then he left. I said to myself...My brother is crazy drunk.

Roommate Debt Update: $1231.50

 

[cuedog]

AAARRRGGGHHHH

...And the nightmare continues. The ongoing finacial disaster that is my roommate Ryan keeps getting worse and worse.
I got a call from my landlord today telling me that Ryan's rent check for the month of March bounced and that he didn't even pay rent for the month of April.
What? Are you freaking kidding me? This bastard owes me over $1200 and owes our landlord $1200 with another $600 rent payment being due on May 12.
What the hell is this guy thinking? Dude is still on unemployment and otherwise has no income. He has been out of work since the end of December and has been freeloading ever since. Where is this deadbeat gonna get the money from?
I don't know what to do. I feel like we should kick him out of the apartment. But then how do we get the money? What do I do? I can't afford to be out this money.
Really, if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. PM me or something. I am angry and scared about what happens next. I don't want to get evicted.

otherwise, the show ends on Wed. and I will be back in NY. It has been a good time down here. We had a day off today so we went to a lake with a beach. Played some volleyball. Had a good time. Such good people down here as well. I hope I keep in touch with some of them.

Tonight I went into a class they have at the theatre to do some monologues so they could see what a professional actor's work was like. I like seeing people who are just starting out in acting. People who want to learn are wonderful.

I was called in by the casting director of a tour of the Scarlet Pimpernel to audition next week. Do I really want to be on tour for a year? I don't know.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight.

Roommate Debt Update:
$1231.50 to me
$1200 to landlord
$2431.50 total debt