Literal Schizophrenia

[cigarettebutt]

Much better.

I have the most supportive friends ever. Sure, I don't have many people I consider my 'real' friends, but the one's I do have are amazing.

I came to the conclusion yesterday that I did indeed have two seperate panic attacks. I told my improv troupe about it last night during a bonding excercise. They were all very supportive and kind about it. Eased my fears a bit. Panic attacks are scary stuff.

Today, everyone was really supportive, asking how I was feeling and such. I really appreciated it and they made my day.

I have the best friends ever.

Honestly.

----------
edited to add:

Tonight is one of the first nights in a long time that I've felt at peace with myself. It's odd how something so dramatic as experianceing your first panic attack can somehow calm you down. It's very odd. But tonight, I'm better than I have been in ages. Again, thanks to all my friends. It's nice to know you're cared for.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Back into the swing of things.

I'm not satisfied with the way our relationship is going.
I don't like how after months of not seeing you I'm still wanting for us to be together.
It's not healthy.
I don't like how you are done with me (in that sense).
I have to be done with you.
I have to.

It won't work out.

It can't work.

Sure, we can still be friends.
And sure, I can eventually bury all feelings for you.
Until your nothing more than a talking bag of bones.
Removed from my feelings.
Removed from my dreams.
Removed from my conversations.
You can become nothing more than a voice over the telephone.
And no, I can't have it the way I want it, if you don't.

Yes, we can see each other still.
We can go see a show. We can go get coffee.
But we can't hold hands. You can't lean your head against my shoulder.
And when your eyes meet mine, sparks cannot
should not
will not
fly.

 

[cigarettebutt]

I know why I act.
I know why I spend two hours on character work and skip homework night after night.


"Do see Tom in this?"
"No, I don't. Not in the first act. A couple times, maybe, in the second."
"Honestly."
"Yes, I was shocked when I saw the work you've been doing."


you have no idea how much that means.

no idea.

 

[cigarettebutt]

House of composure, where is your posture?!

Today I got a ride home from someone who I almost never talk to.
We had really good conversation too. Kind of surprising because I always had a kind of biased feeling towards this person. Huh...don't judge people prematurely, I guess.

Today was okay. Better than average. Improv went really well, and school wasn't too bad either.

Had a really good conversation with the person I'm currently wanting to hook up with. And it wasn't too painful to hang up the phone when we were done.

I was told I should make a myspace account today...should I?


-----
My eyes are getting fuzzier
And the light it getting dimmer
And you're drifting further than ever before.
And I'm crying
you're dying
We both are lying.
Keeping eternal truths from each other
running away from everything that we want


But I am crying.
And you are dying.
And both of us are equally lying.


So why am I hurting so much more?

 

[cigarettebutt]

Your eyes could kill me.
With just a single stare
you could destroy everything
that we hold dear.

Close your eyes
So I can't see the pain
that you don't feel.

Close your eyes
So I can't see my reflection
In the window to your soul.

Close your eyes
So you don't see me choke
upon your indifference.

Close your eyes
Close your eyes
Close your beautiful eyes.

I don't want to feel this.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Why can't more nights be like this?

Fantastic.

I went to mugshots with two of my best friends whom I've missed a great deal and this really cool girl. One left because he's a douche. Then my stunningly great looking friend and this girl were hanging out. When he had to leave so the girl and I drove around till I had to take her home.


It was great.





(rick, put this in italics)

 

[cigarettebutt]

You know what I really hate?

When you're talking on the phone with someone, and they decide that it would be tons of fun to pass the phone around to they're friends, not so they have something important to say, but just to say "Hello." and then pass the phone to the next person.

It's even worse when you have no idea who you are talking to. The girl I called passed the phone around to all her friends who I've never even meet, then had someone babble something intelligible into the phone.

They were all laughing hysterically while I had no idea what the fuck was going on.

Then she said, "Oh, I have to go. Bye." And hung up.

I just have just talked to
a bus full of teenage idiots.

 

[cigarettebutt]

I invented the internet.

Yesterday night was fun.

Went to Mugshots again, that's practically where I live. Anyway, I met a couple of friends there, including Booth, who I met just about a week ago. I really like him, he's very funny, and I have the sneaking suspicion that he'd be pretty good at Improv. We were bored, so we surfed the internet and came up with this big discussion of how I invented the internet and we literally talked for a good hour exploring 'my' invention of the internet. It was cool, because it was just a spontanious form of improv. Anyway, Booth came up with some really cool connections and explanations for some of the things on the internet.

Anyway, the really cool thing that happened was that these two girls came in. I didn't know them, but apparently, Ahab did. He started talking to them breifly, while Booth and I kept up our conversation about the internet, which was odd because one of them was pretty attractive. After a while Ahab joined our conversation again, and they just kind of listened in. Apparently, they found us hilarious. They actually decided to sit down and watch us have this conversation. At one point, we had one of the girls crying because she was laughing so hard. And the best part is we didn't break from our conversation at all. We included them in it, and showed them around the internet, but we didn't break the reality of the internet being my invention at all. The girls had to leave eventually, and gave Ahab their numbers. We're now supposed to call them whenever we're at 'shots and I was able to put in a nice plug for our next Improv show, which they said they'd love to come to.

I really cool thing that happened though, was the fact that we were making discoveries along with them. The attractive one and I both yelled out, "The shrink ray!" at the same time, which was pretty cool because it showed we were both on the same level. And because she was attractive.

But yeah....

I like improv. Especially when it's spontanious.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Attitude?

My dad just informed me that I have an attitude problem. Well, let's look at the facts dad... I do an average of an hour and a half on character work. You think character work is memorizing your lines... and that's it. And everytime I mention doing character work, you make some fucking snide comment. How about I make a snide comment towards you about your fucking passion and see how you like it okay? I love this fucking show. So I get to rehearsal an hour and half early, it's called work ethic, something I never learned from you. Fucking relax dad. Fucking relax.



Oh, I'm telling her I like her tomorrow.



(Behibo, it's not working again)

 

[cigarettebutt]

Keep those you love close.

So I just found out something potentially scary.

I'm not going into details to protect this person's privacy and right to decide who they want to tell, but I will say this:

Life is precious. We are precious.
Any change of events, no matter how small or insignificant, can impact our lives tremendously.

Hug your spouses. Play with your children. Buy your friend a drink. Call up the person your having trouble with. Live life to the fullest.

Carpe Diem. Every single fucking day.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Silence Means Everything

Aren't I the one who ends up being fucked?
I don't see how something like that could happen...
I tell myself I'm over you.
And I basically am.
Basically.

The thing is, there's still a part of me that cares.
There's still a part that's angry.
Sure, I'll still go.
I'm not going to say anything.
I'm not going to ruin your day.
Only my own.

I'll pretend I'm okay with it.
Like it doesn't bother me.
And I'll go and I'll have a 'good' time with her.
While you're having a great time with him.
And I'll laugh.
And I'll dance.
And I'll tear myself open from the inside out.

Knowing that you are with him
And I'm with her.

And this is the closest you'll ever get to knowing.

------------------------------------

I don't know if this applies to my current mood or not. I'm still deciding.

(edited to add)
Nope. That's not how I'm feeling at all. So scratch that emotion. But save the poem.

 

[cigarettebutt]

I like coffee.


I think I should be going.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Today was great. Absolutely great.
I have the best friends in the world. The most honest, trust-worthy friends.
I also suddenly have a ton of crushes.
Which is weird.
But good.

I love most everyone.

 

[cigarettebutt]

Today I learned that even though someone people have common sense, they don't always choose to use it.

 

[cigarettebutt]

This is what living like this does.

Well today was fun.

Went to a show with a couple of friends.

The show sucked, but the company was excellent.
Afterwards we went to JJF's house and had a good time with him. I really would like to get to know him a lot more, he seems like a cool guy to hang out with. We're going to film a little sketch together with some other friends which should be fun.

I'm over one of my crushes, for the most part, anyway. The crush for me mainly disappears when you realize that she doesn't have feeling for you in that way at all. Ah well.

Right now I'm pretty satisfied.

Which is wierd, because lately I've been feeling really really down and depressed. I've got such sudden mood swings I feel like I may be bipolar.

But right now, I'm pretty decent. Busy. But decent.

 

[cigarettebutt]

It's cold here.
I can see my breath
puff up in a cloud of smoke
Obscuring your features from my eyes.

It's hot in here.
Sub-zero temperatures yet a living hell.
The sweat intermingles with your tears.
A salty dance of desperation and exhaution.

I'm hanging on the brink of sanity.
Clinging to the edge of the canyon, reaching for your hand.
Streatching for your withdrawn hand.
I can't grab ahold of you.
You're too far away.

One branch of the tree reaches for the sky.
The other drags itself downward.
Burrowing itself into the rotten ground
As the other burns in the sun.

All the axes in the world couldn't save us now.
Someone's going to get cut.

 

[cigarettebutt]

I fucked it up again.



God. I need morals or standards or someone to tell me when to keep my mouth shut and stop ruining friendships.

I liked her a lot too.


I feel like... what's that level below pure shit?

 

[cigarettebutt]

I have an improv journal.


www.livejournal.com/users/improvscenester

 

[cigarettebutt]

I had a dream.

I've just had a dream.

In the dream, I was over at someone's house with a friend of mine (Rhino) when we decided to go for a walk. While walking, we saw this huge house, and outside was none other than PF! And he was outside having lunch! So, of course, Rhino and I sat down and ate with him. Pretty soon after, a car pulled out of the house and left and PF somehow turned into AA. It turned out that the house belonged to AA and his parents just left for...a really long time. So we went inside and it was really nice. Then the door shut.
We were trapped inside this big house, which was haunted. Nobody said it was, but in the dream there was no doubt in my mind that it was infested with ghosts.
Anyway, we went to the center of the house and there got a map. Also, there we met MT, SH, and LR, which was odd, now that I think of it.
We decided that we needed to go somewhere, and it was very important because we needed to find something. I went with MT and SH, and we were trying to find a certain room, I guess. The problem was that the house was huge maze where half the lights didn't work, and foreboding feelings ran rampant throughout it.
Finally, MT, SH, and I arrived at this one room, which was at the top of the house, in the center. It was the family morgue-y type room, where we found out that all the family members who lived there had unfinished funerals. Creepy.
We also found out that throughout the house were 'nightmares' which were physical manifestions of nightmares in the form of...bears. I don't know why. We found out that there were anywhere from 5 to 19 bears running around, but they could only exist in the dark.
Unfortunitally, most of the lights didn't work.

Then I woke up.
The dream was creepy/scary at the time.

 

[cigarettebutt]

So today I was at work, it was my second day there, and I had forgotten something so I asked my boss, and he proceeded to chew me out. I was in a pretty down mood, when all of a sudden, the next customer in line recognized me from my improv show that I had yesterday. She told me what a great job I did.


It felt good to hear that I was good at something I love when I feeling pretty crappy about something I hate.