Life of a recovering Drama Queen

[Thorn]

No sympathy here

I'm all out today!

Why do cops try and save suicide attempters? I have always found this a strange practice. Go save someone who doesn’t want to die why don’t you? How big will the loss of this one person be, after all? There are literally billions of us so each and every one of us is pretty much replaceable. Not in the sense that there is someone exactly like us out there, but in the sense that our contribution to society can be easily replaced 9 times out of 10.

I can’t think of a single social issue that can’t be put down to over breeding. There are just too damn many of us for any of us to be irreplaceable on a social/civic level. It makes me sad. I love reading about small towns or tribes or villages where every person played a vital role in the function and survival of the community. Everyone felt special and needed and vital. Everyone was important and relied upon. Responsibility can be a very empowering thing. Most people behave very unselfishly when they are responsible for something larger than themselves.

Anyway, I gotta get out of this mood!

 

[Thorn]

Changing proportions

I am so sick of these articles and “studies” that talk about how obese Americans are and how it’s not getting any better. Well no shit. Most of the people that I know are so freaking lazy that they can barely walk to the printer that is 12 feet away! I don’t want to hear it. If you’re fat and out of shape and do nothing about it, don’t whine to me. I don’t care. I go to the gym every day and I don’t fill my body with crap every day. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. People are told that a good diet and exercise are the only way to lose weight, but they don’t have the willpower to carry it out. That’s not my problem. Stay fat. Be unhappy. Die young. I don’t care. Just don’t make me look at you too much, ok? Damn!

Another thing that’s been really pissing me off is this California Recall Election. If it were the Democrats lining up to kick a Republican out of office, they wouldn’t care if the ballots were drawn on stone tablets! Hypocritical assholes. And if I were a Latino or other “minority” in southern CA, I would be freaking insulted by the ACLU’s rationale for getting the equally biased state Supreme Court to delay this recall.

Basically they’re saying that the minority voters are too stupid to operate the voting machines properly.

"The ACLU said the punch-card system could disenfranchise voters in six counties, including Los Angeles, the state's largest. Those six counties include 44 percent of state voters and have heavy concentrations of minority voters." - CNN

If these machines were really so outdated and flawed, wouldn’t they want them replace for everyone, not just “minorities”? I guess not everyone is stupid enough to need this caring action of the ACLU. Fuck. What a bunch of assholes.

Other than that…things have been good. Went to a birthday party for my ex-boss on Saturday. It was a surprise and boy was he ever. People he hasn’t seen in 10 years showed up and he was floored. Everyone got a little misty at his speech of thanks and love to all. He gets a bit carried away when he’s drunk a bottle and a half of wine! I didn’t drink that much, but BSBG still had to drive home. Didn’t want to crash the FLC. Did zilch on Sunday except a bit of clutter clearing, made beef jerky, made apple crisp, drank beer and wine with a great meal and watched a movie.

We watched Immortal Beloved. I’d never seen it before and liked Amadeus a lot so I figured what the hell. Plus it had Gary Oldman. It was sad, but not as intense as I thought it could be. It seemed that the actors were just going through the motions to some extent. The performances in Amadeus just seemed so much more poignant to me. {shrug}. I think the enduring mystery of the identity of the Immortal Beloved is really interesting though. The way they portray it in the movie is probably as good an explanation as any. There is a fine line between love and hate. If Ludwig treated his sister in law that harshly, I can see that it might stand to reason it was because he loved her and thought she betrayed him. Absolutely tragic if it’s true. I have always listened to a fair amount of classical music, and Beethoven is the thing I put on when I want to be energized by music that doesn’t distract concentration. It’s magical.

Anyway…my new boss has been here for a week now. So far, so good. As she finds out more about our dept and what we’ve done and tried to do, that aura of her thinking she’s the first one to have thought of certain ideas, will go away. It’s pretty funny to watch though. More power to her if she can break down the wall to upper management’s mind though. So far, they just won’t understand what needs to be done to have things be successful. They insist it can be done another way, and when it fails, they blame us instead of the process. And they won’t give a single thought to the fact that we’ve told them all along that it won’t work. I guess that’s why they get paid the big bucks. {eyeroll}

I just read an article on CNN about the world’s oldest person, a woman in Japan. They call her a hero. What for? Not dying? Nope sorry, that’s not heroic. And some call the people who were in the WTC when they were hit heroes. What for? Dying? Nope. Wrong again. That’s not heroic either under these circumstances. They were victims. Sad and tragic were their deaths, but not heroic.

Hero and heroic have lost all meaning. People dub anyone who does anything a hero, thus diminishing the term. True heroism needs to involve peril or physical danger, selfless disregard for such and the saving of something or someone valuable. Dying or not dying all by itself is not heroic. People have lost all sense of proportion.

 

[Thorn]

This, that and the money tree

BSBG has to go to Vegas today so I will be all alone tonight. He’s very lucky that his employer has private planes and he hardly ever has to fly commercial for business anymore. He gets to take the Falcon this trip. I’ve never been in a private jet before. I think the one the company has is pretty utilitarian and isn’t anything like the ones you see in the movies. Still, it is a private jet. He just drives to the hangar, parks the car inside and jumps on the plane. None of that airport security crap or waiting in lines.

So I think I’ll hit the library then read and eat leftovers. I recently ordered the last (purportedly) book in the Griffin & Sabine series. A friend of mine got me into them when the third one came out and I’ve followed it ever since. It’s the combination of the art and the format – like reading someone else’s mail. Sure, the storyline is hokey but it’s different and entertaining.

Our 2-year wedding anniversary (9 year living together anniversary) is coming up later in the month. Even though money is tight, I hope we can do something special. Maybe splurge on some filet mignons and open a bottle of one of my favorite wines that has been aging quietly in the basement. Sigh. Then we can watch Pulp Fiction or something!! I got him a little something – a Warren Zevon CD he doesn’t have. It came yesterday. I almost gave it to him then – I’m so bad at holding onto stuff until the right time. Goofball.

Oh I just found out that David Bowie is coming to a venue near me for his Reality tour. No one else I know is a fan, so I’m not sure I can find anyone to go with me. I hate going to concerts alone. I will be seriously bummed out if I can’t find anyone. I’ve never seen him live before so this might be my last chance. I think I have more DB albums than any other artist. Second is probably Neil Young.

Am now listening to Slade. What a great band they were. They only got famous in the states when they did really cheesy, unoriginal stuff in the 80s – the whole Run Run Away thing (ugh). Sure there are a couple of more old school Slade tunes on that CD, but not many. What a way to go out.

I don’t think there are many rational people left in California. They elected Davis??? Many times? This man gave legal drivers licenses to criminals. Now he wants to give them free college educations? How is this going to reduce crime, pollution, overcrowding, the deficit or taxes? By letting more useless, unskilled, unschooled and unhealthy people in the door?

Oh yeah, that makes sense. Let’s let them all in so the legal, tax-paying residents work harder and harder to give their money to people who contribute absolutely nothing to the economy or welfare of the state. Let’s let them in so that it forces the upstanding working folks out of the state for good. Let’s make it so expensive to live in California that the skilled and educated people leave and our employers are forced to take their companies elsewhere. Then all we’ll have left are millions of criminals who need to be paid their welfare checks and get their free prescriptions for their multitude of problems out of … oh my, where did all the money go? Did they take the tree on their way out?

 

[Thorn]

People in books never have bad breath

Did you ever notice that? Whenever there is a kiss or something, the author always describes the taste of the other person to be like smoke or rain or some other stupid thing that doesn’t taste like anything. They never taste like the Italian grinder with extra onions they had for lunch! And when they eventually get down to having sex, the woman never is in the middle of her period. Nope, she’s always “ready” for him and he’s always “eager” for her. And she never has to go to the bathroom first or gets embarrassed at her stubbly legs. He never has gas or fumbles with the condom. That’s why sex scenes always make me laugh!

The book I’m reading now had more sexual tension than you could fit in a boxcar and so I just knew that the sex would be hokey and unreal. Full of words like deep and ready and turgid and melding and heat and fire. Puh-leez. I just skim until they’ve got their clothes on again. Unless, of course, I need a good laugh.

 

[Thorn]

Inadequacy complex - this sucks

Two days ago I found out my boss is only 6 months older than me. What a blow to the ego that was. I have never felt inadequate before, but suddenly I felt that my entire career was a waste. That I should have been more ambitious. That I should have achieved more by now. I even had a dream about it. I was at some sort of huge fancy bash – like the academy awards or a very snooty party. Everyone was dressed to the nines except me. I was wearing rags. Like Cinderella in the before picture. I know that dream was a direct result of finding out her age. I didn’t feel this bad when I found out my doctor is exactly my age (we have precisely the same birthday). My doctor, my age and with her own rapidly growing practice. Me – zilch. New boss – a job that I know I could have done had I played the game better.

But that’s just it – the corporate game. It doesn’t interest me. I wouldn’t like the person I would have to become to play it well. So far, I’ve seen both sides of my new boss – the way she acts around her boss and the way she acts around us (her new dept). How can she do it? I guess she must think it’s worth it or that she is just playing a game and that everyone already knows it and expects no different from anyone. But it would make me nauseous.

Still, I somehow feel like it’s passed me by. That it’s too late. That I’ll remain just a low-level schlub for the rest of my life. In some ways it bothers me, but it also makes me tired. Yes, I want to do well and to have fun at my job, but I have never been very ambitious. I like having a life and the thought of sacrificing my morning workouts to come in early, or staying so late that I never see my husband just doesn’t seem worth it. I guess the truth is that if you don’t do those things, you don’t get anywhere. One of the guys I work with (Dog) actually went for our old boss’ job and didn’t even get to an interview. That sort of made me back off (I was writing a business plan in anticipation of putting my hat in the ring) and I never went for it myself. Then my new boss’ hire was announced and that was the end of it.

I know I could do the job. It’s my burned out state that really dragged me down. I’m not as positive about the success of what I do for this company any more. Sometimes I am ready to quit in the sure knowledge that this melding of business models can never work. My new boss on the other hand is full of ideas and enthusiasm. It’s nice to see in a way. If upper management wasn’t just feeding her a line to get her hired, maybe she will succeed. But if they don’t listen to what we’ve been saying for years and put in place some necessary changes, things will continue the way they’ve been going – downhill. Who knows? Maybe they’re finally serious. Maybe they’ve had enough lousy quarters to finally get it. Maybe my enthusiasm will return.

I definitely have to keep the lack of under better wraps. I can’t let my doubt show. I resolve to be just as gung ho about things as Boss Lady is. Actually, I am beginning to like her a great deal. She and I have a lot in common I think. We both drive BMWs for a start. I ride motorcycles and she wants to take flying lessons. We’re proud brunettes. We have similar backgrounds in the industry. We both work out regularly. I think we’re going to have a good working relationship. That’s a relief. I was worried that she would be a clone of her boss (who was my boss for the time that my immediate supervisor position was vacant and it was awful – she is a pill).

So…anyway, I am resolved to keep a positive attitude. I will not tear myself down with baseless comparisons. I am happy and have been for years, her position can’t really change that and it’s stupid to dwell on it because it’s stupid to compare myself with another person. What’s right for her isn’t necessarily right for me (as illustrated above). As do most of my bad emotions, they will blow away sooner or later. I like myself too much to dwell on them.

 

[Thorn]

Any more produce down there

The funniest thing ever!!!

Last night we had steak and green beans and bread and olive oil for dinner. This morning as I'm sitting at my desk, I suddenly start hacking up a lung. As an asthmatic, this is a little worrying but I'm not panicked. I didn't cough at all at the gym.

So I cough a bit more and feel something solid come up. I spit it into my hand kind of perplexed...it's a feaking bean!!!!

One of those little ones from inside!

WTF???? How the hell did that get there and why did it stay down there so long??? I didn't choke on it last night.

Freakin' A!!!

I can't stop giggling about it.

 

[Thorn]

Progress

Today I worked in a set of 8 incline presses with 45-pound dumbbells. The most I have ever done for an incline press. It was work and the muscles were immediately tired, but I did it. I’m going to be sore tomorrow. I’ve never really kept track of my routine and progress. I just kind of gauge things in my head and judge by how my body feels with the weight and move up when I judge the time to be right. The weights I lift now are triple + what I started with a million years ago. I don’t talk much about how much I run or lift because it sounds like showing off. DNA made me a big girl with big muscles and so my strength is mostly just genetics. I wish I didn’t have to be so careful of my lower back and knees. I never feel like I get a really good leg workout or low back workout. Luckily, doing lunges on the Smith doesn’t pain me. I did them extra heavy on Monday, so my ass is killing me! If there are any ladies out there who want to know how to work their butts – DO LUNGES!!! It will feel like your ass is on fire!

So I’m going to work in the 45s again and again during incline presses and eventually it will be my standing weight and not a stretch weight. I think when I get to 50s I’ll need someone to spot me and help me get the weights into position – my grip strength at that angle just isn’t that great. Maybe if I work my arms heavier I’ll be able to do it. Shoulders too, although I already kill them every week.

I am very concerned about connector damage as well. Muscle fibers are rich in blood that carries nutrients and therefore they repair themselves quickly. Tendons and ligaments on the other hand, are not as rich in blood flow and therefore heal slowly – much slower than muscles do. A big problem (especially with men) is that people lift too much too soon and tear a connector. A torn ligament or tendon leaves the whole joint inoperable and will set you back weeks while you recover. I am hyper aware of this and so my form is excellent and my weight increments moderate and far between. Plus, I’d have to become a juice monkey to lift REALLY heavy. Women just don’t have the right chemical makeup to build mass like guys do. I want some mass – to keep my metabolism working and active all day, but I have no illusions as to how big I can get or even want to get. There are only 2 women in the gym when I go who lift equal or more than I do. Neither are giants but both are very dedicated and strong. I aspire to the same strength and ethic.

I do have massive pipes, though!

 

[Thorn]

Will power

So it's Noob's birthday in a couple of days and we're celebrating here a little. Our new boss brought in 50 munchkins! I will keep resisting. It's hard when I look at the chocolate honey glazed, but today I am wearing a pair of jeans that I haven't fit into in 2 years, so I am protected. These jeans are like my armor. Whenever I look down and see my now flat stomach, I will resist the sweet pull of the munchkins! If things get too rough, I have a Detour bar that tastes like a Snickers so a couple of bites will curb my craving for sweets.

Will


of





iron!




Please



don't





rust.

 

[Thorn]

Boom boom - out go the lights!

So just at the tail end of my workout this morning, the lights in they gym went out. Other than the people on the electrically powered cardio machines, it didn’t seem to faze anyone. People just kept on lifting, me included. It was kind of cool to see and made me laugh.

I remember black outs when I was a kid. Oh did we have fun. Mom would light a bunch of candles and if we wanted to play a game or do homework, she would light a couple of hurricane lamps! I loved the smell of the oil and the flickering light. I always thought of Abraham Lincoln, studying away by firelight in that little cabin of his. Because we heated largely by wood, we were always warm. It was especially great if it was snowing. You’d get that snug, safe, snowed in feeling. We never felt stranded or disconnected – the house was too well stocked for that. It was a taste of Little House on the Prairie, which were some of my favorite books when I was a girl. The blackouts never lasted long, but they were fun.

Now we have a generator because of problems we had with frozen pipes and lost food. They are fun but in a different way. We have the gennie and so do many people in the neighborhood. Looking out the window at the isolated lights is always kind of eerie. Like the end of the world.

I have always had an insidious desire for a plague or other population –decimating disaster. I have read The Stand and other apocalypse type books and absolutely love them. The appeal is that everyone will be useful and special again. Everyone will have some kind of skill or value to bring to the table. No one can be easily replaced. No one will feel disposable. Hidden talents will be uncovered and human civilization will begin again. Of course it won’t be the same as the first beginning, but it would be interesting.

I won’t survive it long though. That’s the other thing that intrigues me. How long would I last? I can see myself driving to various stores, armed to the teeth against possible crazies, and taking my medication out of darkened pharmacies. How much would be enough? How many stores could I hit before others with my condition got the same idea and there was a mad, desperate race for the last of the life sustaining medication? What would happen when it expired? Would anyone bother to make more? Could anyone? Doubtful. I’d probably live a few years and then that would be it. But oh, how interesting those few years would be.

 

[Thorn]

Now I've done it

Damn! Damn! Damn! It happened again. I had a really good back workout yesterday and now I’m paying for it. My right rhomboid is spasming like crazy. The last time this happened it spasmed so hard that it disarticulated ribs from my spine! It hurts to do anything, including breathe. Fuck. I so do not need this. The last time this happened I couldn’t lift for weeks and got really out of shape and weak. Damn. I can’t lift. I can’t run. I’m out of it.

It’s this kind of thing that gets me depressed. I stopped lifting a few years ago because I was plagued with physical problems despite my efforts to take care of myself. Thoughts of the futility of it all just resonate through my head like a mantra. Why bother? You’ll always have something wrong with you no matter what you do. You can lift and run all you want and your body will still betray you. Why bother? You will never be healthy. Why bother?

It is so hard not to get wrapped up in those negative thoughts when my physical problems are hampering me right and left. BSBG just doesn’t understand. He’s never had anything go wrong since he was 6 years old. No injuries. No chronic illnesses. No limiting condition. He cannot know how I feel since he’s had nothing but physical perfection his entire adult life. Sometimes I am wracked with jealousy and anger about this. It’s stupid and I don’t really hate him, but sometimes I would like for him to taste my physical uncertainty and frailty just so he’ll know how it makes me feel so helpless and inadequate and trapped. Trapped in my own body that betrays me. It’s like a cage. A prison with no escape.

Probably, I’ll have an easier time aging than most people. I’m already used to physical failure and betrayal of the body. Oh that’s comforting. Things will only get worse, not better. This is the best physical shape I will ever be in. This unstable, unpredictable and unreliable body. Great. I hate it so. I feel so trapped. Things feel futile. No matter what I do to improve my physique, I will always have a disaster of a back, unreliable knees and asthma that without these great drugs, would kill me as sure as a bullet.

But to give up is to give in. To give up would probably accelerate the process of my degeneration. I would disappoint BSBG and myself. As futile as it is, I have to keep trying. It is my only salve. It keeps the despair at bay. It keeps my pride intact. And pride is my only refuge sometimes. My will. My discipline. These make me proud. They distinguish and separate me from the herd. They are part of who I am and what makes me strong. I cannot submit to my treacherous body and let it get the best of me. It is a tool. A tool used to accomplish my will.

I can’t allow myself to get depressed. The last time it happened, I gave up lifting and all exercise for 2 years. I really hated who I was during those years. All self-esteem and self-regard went right out the window. I got fat. I ate junk. I didn’t care. My sex life was practically non-existant. It sucked. I won’t let this happen again. It is worse than the frustration I currently have with my physical shortcomings and weaknesses. Damn. I think I’m going to go cry.

 

[Thorn]

Bitter pill

There’s been a lot of talk on the journals lately about taking medicine every day and feeling bad and helpless and trapped.

Well join the club and suck it up. All the posts sound like so much whining and you are all way better/stronger people than that from what I've read. The whining is out of character.

I have had to take medicine all my life in order to keep from dying. You think you have it bad? Try that one on for size. Since I was 3 years old, I have taken medicine every day. Sometimes, yeah, it’s been depressing. Being chained to a medicine cabinet for eternity is not a pleasant or empowering thought. But the alternative is an early grave for me. At least if you stop taking your Prozac or whatever you won’t drop dead or be hospitalized on a respirator. I got a cold once and 3 days later when into respiratory arrest. That’s my world. Some have it better, some have it worse. Play the hand you’re dealt.

So don’t fall into the snare of feeling helpless and trapped and depressed. If you’re convinced that your mental problems have a physical cause, then there is no reason to feel ashamed or belittled by having to take medication. If it’s really just like any other ailment, then stop whining and take your pill. It sounds harsh but seriously, you’ve got the help you need and you’re not dying. Blowing it out of proportion is really silly. And it doesn’t help. Just take the meds and be glad they exist. Otherwise, we’d have to lock your crazy asses up!

Ok, end of tough love post.

 

[Thorn]

New house

The weekend was pretty uneventful – as usual. We did go visit our friend the deputy sheriff to see his new house that he just bought with his girlfriend. It’s very nice and something that BSBG and I would have definitely considered buying ourselves. It’s a log home on about 5 acres with no nearby neighbors. We loved the heated 3-car garage with finished upstairs. Between that and the finished basement, they should have plenty of room to spread out. Apparently they were one of 5 people vying for this house. They went with the broker’s advice and got it. Amazing. They weren’t even offering the most money.

Then they realized they had no furniture and would have to buy some. They went to the usual outlets but didn’t see everything they wanted. So he goes on line to check out some furniture that would compliment the log structure of the house. He finds a site that has exactly what he wants and calls up the company. They tell him that the best way to see everything they make is to get the catalog ($30), which he does. He finds a ‘flintstone’ bed and a gorgeous table inlaid with granite. He figures they will be expensive but when the price of the table comes back at $18,200 and then the bed comes in at $12,500 – he laughs and gracefully exits from the conversation. This is after he’s invited to fly in and tour their facility, pick out their wood and stone, stay at the lodge and meet the artist. There is a private airstrip right next to the factory that most of their customers use. Ooooo-kay. Not quite the thing on a deputy sheriff’s salary!

A couple of weeks later he gets a call from this same company. They tell him that they were building a bunch of furniture for this couple in California ($600,000 worth!!) but that by the time the work was done, the couple was divorcing. The furniture was paid for out of an escrow account set up during the divorce proceedings. Now they were ordered by the court to liquidate the furniture. 2 of the pieces that they ordered matched what my friend called about. The “flintstone” bed and the table. They say that they can refinish and refit both items to better fit what he originally wanted. When he asks the price, they say 90% off of what we told you before.
UNREAL!!!! Oh the luck. I told him he should have gone out and bought a Powerball ticket! He’s getting an $18,000 table for $1800. And a $12,000 bed for $1200. Amazing. It’s nice when good things happen to good people.

Ok, I’m going to say it. I hate sports. All this BS about the Red Sox and the Braves and the Cubs is driving me to drink. Every morning I have to listen to people around me dissect every play as if it were a political debate (as if any of them would put this much thought into a political debate!). I mean who the hell cares? Will it matter in 10 years? How people can put this much energy and thought into a child’s game is beyond me. My mother is guilty of this when it comes to football and it drives me crazy. My brother is this way about just about every sport known to man. I just don’t get it. I can’t get that excited about something so trivial in the grand scheme of things. And I am so glad that BSBG is the same way. I could not have stood it.

Got to the gym today. No back spasms. I got in a run and then did legs. Now I feel like I need a nap. That always happens when I do legs after too little sleep. It just wipes me out. Tomorrow is when I normally do my back workout, but I may substitute chest and do back on Wed. Just to give me an extra day of recuperation.

 

[Thorn]

Office Drama

Office politics suck. In June of this year, my boss was forced out of the company in a bullshit maneuver that was driven by a person who just didn’t like him and his style. The withheld his bonus and put him on probation basically. No matter what he did, they always told him it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t win. Eventually, they had enough “poor performance history” to sack him, which they did.

Now, this is happening to me. The same person who did it to my boss now has me in her sights. My bonuses are being withheld because of a couple of reasons that are really strange. One is because I don’t show enough enthusiasm on a day-to-day basis. The other is that when I went to another site to launch a program to the sales dept, I mentioned a couple of times that this program was sponsored by two high management guys. A manager took offense at this and thought I was sidestepping responsibility for the program.

What?? Since when is mentioning upper management sponsorship a bad thing? How else can I get this program taken seriously unless I do? I have seen many other people do the same thing when trying to get buy-in from other groups. I could not believe it. Especially after I met with my then boss and explained exactly why I mentioned these big wigs and she agreed that it was probably a good approach. She didn’t reprimand me or indicate that I had done something inappropriate in any way. Then she blindsides me with this performance review bullshit.

She even brought up a review from last year that of course had some areas where I had to improve, as do all reviews. She said that this was an indication that I have an ongoing problem. If that were the case, why did I get a raise last year that was in the top 90% percentile for company raises?? If I was doing so badly, why did I get a raise at all, much less a good one (for this company anyway)?

But she has all the authority and I have no recourse. I prepared a rebuttal to this for my file, but I don’t think it will do much good.

Yesterday I met with her and my new boss to discuss how things are going. Knowing this woman the way I do, I asked her point blank if this “performance plan” was something she truly believed would help me or if it was just a way to tell me that I should look for a new job immediately. I know her games. She can’t manage to people’s strength, so instead she finds ways to get rid of the people that don’t fit her mold of what people should be. In answer, she pointed out that it was probably a personality issue and that she didn’t expect me to change my personality. All said with a sickening little smile and a laugh. Vicious asshole.

So now I’m on the hunt big time. I have to get out of here. I doubt that I will have this job come Christmas if I stay. I am so angry and outraged that this can be done to me. I come in every day and do everything that is expected of me. I have worked against upper management’s cluelessness of what I do and why it is valuable. My department has been like the redheaded stepchild of our company. We have never been taken seriously. For the last year, it’s been one step forward, two steps back. In spite of this, I have retained a drive to accomplish something positive and show that this work is important to the company as a whole.

But now I have to leave without achieving that. I feel like I have failed. Maybe I haven’t been as cheerleader like as this woman wants, but she will never find anyone with as much belief in what this department has to offer than I have.

I also thirst for revenge of some kind. This woman has done this deliberately and it is personal. I can see it in her eyes when she talks to me. She wants to make me suffer and squirm and be driven out and defeated. I can see it. When I asked her my point blank question about the real reason for this “performance review”, I could see she was surprised. It was just for a second, but I saw it. She must have really thought I was stupid. Bitch. My fantasy is to find out her pseudonym for the trashy romances she writes and out her.

So I went online and actually found a promising job. A company that is similar to the one I work for, but different in all the important ways. Weirdly enough, it is literally 5 minutes from my house. I emailed the President about the position and he emailed right back asking if I could come in this week and to forward my resume.

I was up most of last night thinking about all of this and trying not to get too excited about the possibility of working so close to home for a company that looks more interesting and more me than the one I currently work for. I’ve done a whole bunch of research on this company. Not that there was much to find. They’ve only been in business for 14 months. A start up.

That doesn’t scare me. Some of the best years of my life were spent at a small company that was growing exponentially. There was a vibe there that was hard to describe. We were like David against Goliath. The underdog. The little guy going toe-to-toe with the big guys. And we were winning. It was excellent. Every order was a reason to celebrate. Everyone knew each other well and got along socially as well as professionally.

Will I ever get that back again? Probably not, but my chances are better with a new company than with this 20-year old, billion dollar behemoth I work for now. My boss knows now that I have no choice but to look for other employment. I hope she doesn’t want to pull the trigger early. That would really ruin the holidays for me unless I could find something quickly. The market out there is choked with the unemployed though, so I can’t count on that.

So that’s my drama for now. It’s been going on for a few weeks, but I thought I could resolve it. I started feeling more positive this morning. Things seem brighter now that I have direction and I will be free and starting something new.

 

[Thorn]

An Interview!

Woah! The job opening I mentioned above is moving ahead. The President of the company wants to meet tomorrow at a local restaurant (they're finding new office space and are probably ashamed of where they are at now) to discuss things. It's after work, so no having to make thinly veiled excuses to my boss. Woo hoo!

Again, I am trying not to put that much hope in this because it's not a guarantee, but damn...I'm freaking good at what I do and I know my stuff. Soooo...I have some hope for this. I hope it doesn't suck and that the people aren't jerks. Oh and that the salary is good.

Now I have to slope off and do some more research on their industry so that I can formulate some intelligent questions about the company and the position!

Oh please oh please oh please oh please let me be able to quit soon!!!

 

[Thorn]

So far, so good.

The interview went well. I am supposed to have another with someone else. I liked the two owners of the company. They were very casual and seemed up front and honest. The company is very small, but has a steady customer base and is about to go into development of what they feel will be a very successful product. Part of their workforce is over here on the east coast, and some is on the west coast. One owner is based here, and the other there. They service and support customers all around the country. They readily admit to having no knowledge or ability about the job they’re hiring for – that’s why they need help. I think the job is something I can do, albeit challenging and somewhat of a stretch for me. They said that after they set up the interview in the restaurant, that they thought I might think they were weirdos who were out to get me or something. But they weren’t. They’re looking for new office space. They mentioned where they were looking and I told them it was probably 3-4 minutes from my house. Then I pretended to write on my hand ‘Note to self; cannot be late for work.’ That got a laugh. I think it will be exciting and a far nicer place to work than where I currently am employed.

For example; a guy that I work with that I have known for 10 years was recently accused of sexual harassment. Now, I can tell you straight out that it is a lie. This guy would NEVER do that. I’ve known him a long time and can make that statement with no doubt in my mind. He is a sensitive guy and a stand up guy. He’s married and they just had their first child in Feb. I have never seen him act inappropriately towards a woman – in thought or action. If he was that kind of guy, he wouldn’t be a good friend of mine. And I remember when he first started dating his wife, he was totally smitten. But it was more than just sexual, he admired and respected her. Seriously, he bragged (and still brags) about how smart she is (she’s an investment banker) and how creative and how talented she is. It doesn’t hurt that she’s also very pretty.

There is no way he harassed this woman. When he asked who accused him, they refused to say. When he asked if there was a witness to this incident, they said there wasn’t. So basically, it’s her word against his and he’s guilty until proven innocent. He doesn’t need a lawyer yet. If there is an investigation, he will need one. Our family lawyer is now the attorney general for our state, so maybe I can help him if it comes to that.

I am so disgusted. Between that and the crap I’m going through on my end, it’s turning out to be a pretty sucky place to work. I cannot wait to get out.

 

[Thorn]

One step beyond!

So I am scheduling an interview with a 3rd person at this prospective employer. I'm pretty psyched. She said that the two guys I met with were "greatly impressed with my personality and my background." Heh. That's gratifying to hear. Lately I've felt pretty abused and dispensable. I am going to focus on the positive and keep my self-esteem up. Nothing shows up worse than lack of confidence. Personality is half of the battle. No matter how qualified you are, if they don't click with you, no job. Sometimes clicking with someone helps offset shortcomings in qualifications. Not that I can't do this job. I can. It will be a stretch for me, but the good kind. The kind that will make me grow and be creative and keep the fire lit under me. I think it will be exciting. Oh that sounds so hokey.

Right now I am watching a movie from 1925. Metropolis. Wow. It's interesting but, I fear that my attention span is too short to keep me very involved. The simplistic plot and over-the-top acting is too much. Although the sets are pretty interesting and I wish I could see them clearer and in color. The use of music is the only constant way to keep the audience emotionally attached to the story. The makeup on both male and female actors is hilarious! Oh how far things have come and how they have stayed the same.

I just have to put in a plug for Samuel Adams's Octoberfest. I love this beer. It's so malty you can practically chew it. Do yourself a favor and go buy some! I think I hear one calling me now.

 

[Thorn]

Dull, dull, dull - god it was dull!

My job is boring today. Some days I’m slammed and other days I have nothing to do. Literally. It’s aggravating. Of course, the possibility of my imminent absence from these halls doesn’t help! I started having resignation fantasies. Of course I will be courteous and professional about it, but I doubt I will be able to hide my glee about the whole thing. I really should stop with this. It won’t be pretty if this job doesn’t pan out. I’ll be so crushed and you’ll have to read through my paragraphs of whining and anger and disappointment. So be warned!

I am also having visions of actually having an office again. I had one at my last job and I loved it. As a long-time cube-dweller, it was a refreshing change. I actually felt like a grown-up. The cube I’m in now is about as large as the conference table was in my old office. You couldn’t raise veal in these cubes – they’re too small! Seriously, we’re packed in here. I shouldn’t get my hopes up about that either, but I can’t help it. My brain just drifts away into the possibilities! I really wish I could disconnect and stop it.

I have begun to remove unnecessary personal items from my desk. Like books of funny quotations and weird words. I haven’t gone so far as to remove photos and such - that would be too obvious. But I have pared down. Not that this tiny prison can hold much in the way of personal items. But I will take my slinky with me when I go! I hope I remember to take my natural keyboard (it’s mine) and clean out my locker in the shower room.

Hey now. I actually did some work. Web research for IT spending figures. ZZZZZZZZZ.
The problem is, a company needs to be a subscriber to info and research firms like Gartner and IDC. If we are, I do not have access to these things. At my last job, I did. Oh well. Just more of the same – being swallowed up by corporate BS. Which takes me back around to thinking of this job prospect. I’m going in circles.

Well almost time to leave here. By brain has totally checked out. I just sifted through a large-ish proposal and made some edits. Yawn. If it weren’t for these sweet tarts, I would probably fall on my desk in a puddle of drool. Sucks that my boss is in the very next cube. Literally 2 feet away. I type these in Word and then paste them into the reply form. Oh the subterfuge. I bet if I get this new job, I won’t be bored at all! I probably won’t have any time during the day to read journals or update mine. That would be a nice thing. I hate being at work and being bored. I also frequent another board during the day since I usually have time. That will probably be cut down as well. I’m psyched for it and wish the interview was tonight instead of tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m just babbling now so I’ll shut up.

 

[Thorn]

Getting closer

So the past couple of days I’ve been running around like crazy for work and haven’t been obsessing over this job 12 hours a day. Just 10 hours a day!

I did get another email from the company owner and he wants to talk again. Apparently I made quite an impression on the person I interviewed with on Tuesday. This is positive. I am psyched. I really want this job and to get out of my current one! My resignation fantasies have returned. I just had to deal with an arrogant person on the phone and I so wanted to tell him off since it wouldn’t matter and I wouldn’t care!

So my concentration has really gone downhill. Every time my boss talks to me about something we need to sort out, I can’t get interested. We’re planning stuff that would matter if I cared and wanted to stay, but now it’s hopeless. I just want to roll my eyes and make throwing up gestures at her! It’s not that she’s a bad person, but you know how it is when you’ve mentally and emotionally disconnected from something. It’s hard to engage after that. Oh this is agony! I just want out. I keep thinking of the things I could be doing at this other company and the stuff I’m doing now just takes a back seat. I feel slightly guilty about that, but not a whole lot.

Now I am obsessively checking my yahoo mail to see if he emailed back about a time and date for us to meet. I am so pathetic. I am sorry that B E G did not get the job she wanted, but it is good that the company she does work at has given her a boost. Jobs are so stressful most of the time. Either because you don’t have one or because the one you do have makes you crazy. I don’t know anyone who isn’t stressed out over their job. Sad huh? That we spend so much of our lives doing things that drive us crazy. I know this new job (now that’s positive thinking for you!) will be stressful, but I hope that the atmosphere and the change will offset that. I really don’t mind working, but I hate being bored or stressed out.

I talked to someone yesterday who asked if I would entertain other offers if this one didn’t pan out and I said yes. Although, he’s let loose with some facts about his company that make me wary. And it’s a subsidiary of another large company and I think I would be setting myself up for similar misery at the hands of some giant corporation. But who knows, it’s something to think about.

My oldest friend is in town and we are going to another friend’s wedding on Saturday. Another friend is flying in to attend as well. I have known these women since we were kids – 20-25 years. It’s really strange that no matter how far-flung we get, we still manage to stay connected. Only Olga and me are close, but we all still communicate to a certain degree. It’s kind of cool. No husbands on this trip, which will be cool. Not that I don’t adore BSBG, I do, but sometimes it’s good to get away with the girls. The resort where the wedding is being held looks really nice. I’ll have to scope it out thoroughly to see if it’s someplace BSBG and I should go in future. We’re always looking for cool places to go on the bikes.

Anyway, here’s something I’ve always wanted to know. When is it OK to ask someone if they are gay? I know this guy and I think he’s gay, but I don’t think I can just ask him. It’s just something I would like to know. To have the question answered. Not for any specific reason, just to have it answered. With almost everyone you meet, you know their sexual orientation. It’s part of the whole and is just something that goes into the total picture of the person. Usually you don’t dwell on it, but it’s there. But with some people, it’s just a mystery. And because it’s an aspect of someone that is normally known, it’s weird not to know. You know? Somehow, I don’t think I could ask him and not offend him and feel like an ass. If anyone knows the etiquette here, send me a PM.

 

[Thorn]

Old friends make you feel young again

This weekend I attended the wedding of an old friend. I’ve known her since 8th grade. We hung around in with a group of about 10 other people – 4 of which also attended. So there were 6 of us who’ve known each other for a long time. Even though we don’t have much in common these days, we all had a great time talking about our current lives and old memories. The DJ played lots of 80s music, so we danced like maniacs to the same music we danced to when we were in HS together. It was a blast!

The only disappointing thing was the hotel at this “resort”. It was awful. We paid $200 a night and it was like staying at someone’s camp at the lake! Totally a rip off as far as I’m concerned. Tacky furniture. Too few towels. The towels felt like sandpaper. No shampoo (but two shower caps and bottles of icky lotion). One bar of soap. Inadequate bathroom lighting. Hideous lamps and fixtures. A wire loop around the door handle for “security”. Clanking pipes at all hours (it sounded like we were in the hold of a ship!). All around icky. I am somewhat of a hotel snob, so for $200 a night, I expect more. I have stayed at better places and paid far, far less. It was disappointing because I was hoping to find a cool resort for me and BSBG to go to and use as a base for a motorcycle trip. Oh well.

I loved seeing my friend so happy. I met many of her new family members and they were all great. She is going to have so much laughter in her life now. She’s had a bunch of bad relationships over the years, so it’s a relief to know that she finally has found her man. I told him to take good care of her because she’s one of the good ones.

The day before the wedding was my last track day of the year. We ran a different track configuration and so it was a little more challenging, but I still prefer the old configuration – more turns! I was bummed that I couldn’t run on Saturday as well, but at least I got in one day. My instructor told me that my driving ability had progressed to the point where if I don’t learn how to heel-toe, I’ll hold myself up. I really nailed some turns and have improved my consistency – all of this adds up to increased speed! I improved so well in some turns that I was able to catch folks in much more powerful cars that always get away from me in the straights, but if I am on their asses in some turns, they have to point me by and let me pass! Woo hoo!!

There was one asshole in a Lotus who passed people without getting pointed by. I so wanted to black-flag him when I was flagging, but I was at a station before the passing zone, so couldn’t do it. I hate that shit. You can’t just pass whenever you want to. It’s a driving school, not a race. His instructor needs to set him straight. Just because he has a Lotus, doesn’t give him license to be an asshole. He scared the shit out of me by cutting in front of me at the last second in my braking zone. It can be really dangerous and lead to crashes. An idiot in a TT did the same thing to me just off of the front straight when I was braking down from about 100mph to 40mph. Asshole!!!! Who do you think you are putting me in danger like that? They should have black-flagged him, too but they didn’t. I bitched about it later, but it was too late.

But anyway, it was good despite these issues. Only one crash and there was very little damage (he hit the tire wall) to car or and none to driver. A couple of spins and a near crash into a cement wall (dumb ass was way too hot on his warm up lap – now he knows the danger of cold tires!). It was right at my flagging station so I had to make sure that he got back into the race line in a safe manner. BSBG told me that the same guy in the 911 who spun on Friday, also spun on Saturday, but in a different turn. Some people never learn. I’m glad in a way that I wasn’t there on Sat. BSBG said that someone screwed with the grouping and really fucked things up. Instead of grouping by ability, they just arbitrarily put people in run groups. This meant that 10 minutes into the session, there were huge trains because there were slow drivers on the track with fast drivers and not enough people could pass. Very frustrating if you’re a faster driver. You don’t learn anything if you’re driving below your skill level. It’s a waste of time and money and feels like a rip off. They got the run groups better organized in the afternoon, but still – that was almost an hour of wasted seat time.

Oh did that ever turn into a bitch session! Sorry. I just love my track days and hate it when they are badly organized or cost me seat time. The crash happened in my session and I lost 15 minutes of seat time because of it. I was glad that no one got hurt, but pissed that it cost me track time!! I’m selfish that way.

No news on the job front. I’m waiting to hear from the guy that wants to talk to me again – he needs to pick a day for us to meet. He’s probably busy finding office space and hasn’t gotten around to it, but my head is going off into paranoia land and envisioning all kinds of other more negative scenarios. I really need to stop it!

 

[Thorn]

Me as rescuer

The coolest thing just happened.

I walked next door for a sandwich (garlic & herb wrap w/boursin cheese, rare roast beef, provolone, grilled tomatoes, red peppers & onions - then the whole thing is grilled - oh it's the best!) and coming back I noticed what I thought was the biggest earthworm ever. It was in the street wriggling in the leftover rain water. I step closer "Hey! It's not a worm. It's a baby snake!" I pick it up and it was soooo cute. He just weaved in and out of my fingers and wrapped his tiny tail around my pinky. AWWWWWWW! What a little sweetie. I put him in the back of our building near the pond. Hopefully it will be safe there and not try to cross the road again. It looked like a corn snake or possibly some kind of water snake, too young to tell. I'll look it up when I get home.

I totally adore snakes of all kinds. I used to have one when I was a kid. I found a bunch of eggs underneath a log pile and decided to take one of them to see what it was. I kept it on the porch in a syrofoam cup full of peat moss. After a while I forgot about but then one day, suddenly remembered.

When I poured it out of the cup it was all wrinkled and shrunken (I didn't know then that this is normal when the baby reptiles consume all of the yolk). I was so bummed out that it died. But then, it moved! Right there in the palm of my hand, it moved. I kind of freaked (being 12 at the time) but held onto it. In a few minutes, a tiny nose appeared. Two little nostrils and an egg tooth. Soon the rest of the head was out and it could see it was a tiny, green snake. He hatched in my hand - a smooth green snake.

I kept him for a little while on a diet of weird bugs and spiders, but then let him go when the weather started to get cool. He loved to hunt spiders (which I also love, so it was hard to feed them to the little snake).

I would love to have a snake again - a python or something, but BSBG has a big aversion to them. It's hilarious when I find a garter snake or something in the yard and he hides inside until I stop messing with it. A freaking garter snake!!! BAHAHAHAHAHA!