Letters to Lauren

[MattM]

Lauren,

I ran accross your 'Suicide Letters to Brandan' today. After reading EVERY ONE. Compeled to get in contact with your, I realized that this was my best bet; although, chances are, you won't read this.

First, I must say, you are a very talented writer. Part of the reason I read all of your postings were shearly beacasue of interest; the other, the discriptive style and use of words were incredibly impactfull. You are a very talented writer. You are a little bit youger than me, I'm 23. I only now have come to appreciate good writing. I wish I was a little more intelegent when I was your age. (not to sound old)

It's funny. When I was in high school, I though 23 was old. Sure I thought that some 23 year old girls were hot, but I knew they were, 'way too old for me.' Now, I realize exactly how close we really are in age.

Anyway, I was compeled to respond to your writing. I am very interested in how you are doing. It is obvious to me that you suffer from the same disease that many members in my family do, manic-depessive. Correctly if I am wrong, but I have been dealing with this a long time and understand the thought patterns. From my grandfather, 4 uncles, mother, brother and self, I have a good understanding of how our minds work. With all these chemical imbalances, you can imagin how interesting family picnics turnout.

Well, I'm not going to write too much my first time. I want to be sure you are reading this. Please email me, if just to let me know that you are reading this.

 

[MattM]

I am tiredf but want to trespond to your witees,

 

[MattM]

Sorry I haven’t been writing. It is tough to stay on top of things with all the hours I’m working. I usually will stay away from the site and come back with some catching up to do. If I remember correctly, last I left you at McDonalds only to return and find you in the ER.

I can't tell you how disappointing that was to read. I understand the lows that you go through but still can not see attempting to take your life. Have you ever seen the movie, 'What dreams may come?’ I saw it the other day and it made me think of you.

You know, it sounds like what you and Kyle have is something special. You should be real proud of that. I think you are. I'm searching for something like what you two have. It is not easy to come by. You don’t know this but you helped me out tonight. I was reading your posts and I got a call from this girl. It was a 2:00am booty call and typically I would have told her to come over. I then would have done something that I would have eventually regretted, so thanks. This may not sound like you did much, but believe me you did. I am really trying to clean up my act.

Which brings me to the next topic...You mentioned that one thing unpleasing about your boyfriend is that he rushes through sex. NEWSFLASH: ALL HIGH SCHOOL GUYS RUSH THROUGH SEX.

Many still have some learning to do. I’m still learning and I’m much older. What's good is that he does all the important things right...the holding, for that I envy him. I cant ever seem to get myself to old a girl like that anymore. I used to do it, but since, have never felt overcome enough to really feel the need to hold tight. Congratulations!

 

[MattM]

Its great to hear about the meds. You may not realize it but it sounds like they are already working. You are acctualy realizing your feelings instead of just falling prey to them. Before you can conquor your enemy, you mist first recognize him. If that makes any snece.

Stick wiht them this time. Last time you wrote about them you complained because of side effects. Stick it out! It will pay off in the end.

More later...

 

[MattM]

Laur,

Sorry, “later” turned out to mean really later. I have been reading just not writing. I am not sure what I want to say sometimes. However, fear not, I am not walking on eggshells around you.

I am like you a bit. Sometimes when I am thinking of things that I want to get out, it is almost impossible for actually get myself to write them down. Partly for fear that even though this is anonymous, I still feel like what I write here could in some way get to the people in my life that id rather not read this.

I would like to share some of my writing with you. They aren’t really good. But I think that reading them will remind me of the things that I probably should talk about. Sometimes. We all have such things. The difference lies in how far down we keep them, or how dark our closets.

I am away from home but will return soon to get them, then ill share. I also have some writings from a friend of mine. He is awesome and I think you are going to love them.

For now, please say positive and keep taking your meds. It really seems like you are getting somewhere personally. I think you are really making progress. And I think this board is partly to thank. You have just crossed over a big hump and I applaud you. WHO-RAH!