just another ordinary world..........

[SkorpioChikk]

this is my new journal......i have never posted one online before. i forwarn you that this is only for my own personal documentation. i am not writing this to please anyone other than myself! yes, it is true that i only have a 10th grade education, and yes, i will make mistakes. anyone that feels the need to report these to me will not get a response. i am NOT trying to prove my superiority over anyone, i am just trying to vent any frustrations i have in the "realworld". yes, i make mistakes (ie: punctuation, grammar,...) i do not need anyone to point this out to me. YES!! I do have a form of dyslexia that causes a personal disliking for the letter "C". i spell things incorrectly periodically due to my lakk of education and personal preference. afterall, it is the content that matters, and not the other bullshit, right????well, after having read all of that......i guess you are ready to take the journey into my uneventful world!!!! most of the things that you read you will not understand, but as i stated earlier, they make me feel better.............so enjoy, or don't.

 

[SkorpioChikk]

Welcome to Chicago......the state of unbeing!!!!

:flip: i am in a rather negative mood this evening. it has been 2 days since my birthday, and i have not accomplished any of the things that i have hoped for. (i am not a "woe is me' type, though i DO tend to lean towards the negative=)) i have a loving boyfriend, and a decent roof over my head......for that i cannot complain! but other than that, i am a lost soul trying to define myself in the bowels of reality. people are too cruel (at least in my experience).
i moved to chicago from a smaller town in the month of june. i heard of all the "trendy" spots to meet people and apply for jobs. (mind you, i came into this situation with a VERY open mind in hopes to meet new and interesting people that i could relate to) i applied for every job imaginable in the clark/ belmont area. the reaction that i got from others was not a positive one. i found myself being looked down upon and laughed at for trying to at least somewhat further my position in life. with no success, and no call bakks (two weeks after applying!!!) i gave up . unless you want to be a telemarketer or work at mikky d's, i don't believe that there is any place for you in chicago!! it is not just the jobs that have angered my situation, either.....
recently, i had posted an ad online to meet new people (or at least make penpals in the area),............................i know, iknow, i'm asking for retards by posting a personal ad, but it was worth a shot. i have had many responses. (none of which are very favorable!!!) the only one that i still correspond with is a sweet grrl from shaumburg. the only reason that she still talks to me is b/c she probably hasn't gotten down to the part of me that she dispises yet. some of the results were so unsatisfactory, that i will have to get into them at another time. (believe me, if i told you about them, you would probably find their FREAKISH lifestyle more exciting than mine!!! for some reason or another, i was not worthy of at least 6 of those losers' time. i guess that you will have to tune in another time for that one, for i do not feel like depressing myself any further this evening.) anyway, i WOULD like to experience all of the positive things that chicago has to offer, bit i'm not quite sure how to go about it! i think it's maybe b/c i am homesikk ; and being a water sign, i am not easily persuaded to change my ideals. well, my boyfriend has to use the computer, so i guess that is all for now.

 

[SkorpioChikk]

gotta love the crakk heads!!!

:worm: hello, hello. just got bakk from walking to the SUPER K~MART down the street. i had to spend my last $5 on a shitty sub sandwhich for dinner. (wooohooo!!) i observe many different things as i walk in my piss poor neighborhood. the two crakk heads that walk into traffik on a nightly basis are always interesting. it's not that i necessarily look down on them b/c they are crakk heads, (don't get me wrong, it is NOT a good thing to be!! but i have many friends that have done much worse. who am i to judge a habit?? i have my own to support! ) it just makes me wonder what goes through their minds. i mean, are they mechanically going through each day to support that habit? or do they CHOOSE to live that way b/c they enjoy it? i don't imagine that i would enjoy begging for money every night at the same time and place in the freezing kold just to buy a rokk that i have to split with my buddy so i can be high for all of ...what?? 10 minutes?? most of those people that they ask for cash don't even acknowledge their existence. still, each night they continue to pound on the car windows of upper class yuppies and lower-middle class college students. (another sad thing about this is the fact that many of the people that they beg from day after day are the very same people that roll their eyes upon approaching that traffik light every weekday on their way home from work. they beg the same people night after night ) i wonder how much those crakk heads make off with by the end of the night?
the sad thing is that they make more than i do right now. i just can't bring myself to go and beg from strangers. i don't even smoke crakk, and i never have.(interjections!!! weeeee!)
i just can't help but wonder if this is their chosen path in life. i'm pretty sure that when they were young they didn't aspire to be what they are today. did something happen in their lives that made them decide to give up on society? i do admire the fact that they don't seem to worry about material possessions. they don't have to worry about the electrik bill or if their phone is going to be shut off tomorrow. but even still...........
do they have families?
do they have anyone to love....
or even anyone to LOVE THEM for that matter?
where will they spend thanxgiving? ..will they even know what day it is when that day arrives?
i guess that things could be worse for me. maybe i shouldn't complain so much all of the time, but then i wouldn't be human. i also would never have anything to write about. i think i'm gonna go and drink some whiskey and collect my thoughts some more. i do write better when i've been drinking. happy unbirthday to me!!

 

[SkorpioChikk]

self titled

hello. here i am again....bored and listless. i've decided to ad an entry that i wrote in my hand written journal a while bakk. this gives anyone that reads this an idea of what goes on in this thikk little head of mine.

nothing but empty thoughts in an empty, worthless life
driving, striving for nothing in an unexceptional vocation of reality. stupidity is harmless to others and harmful to your SELF worth, you know. who told you all of my secret intentions? who laughed when no one else was listening? who turned my whispers into senseless shouting matches of disruption?i can find no elation in this desolate life i live. i expect nothing and live for everything worth nothing. i make no sense to you or MYSELF. i am but words; lower case letters and fragments spilling onto empty pages now full of empty thoughts and useless clues to MYSELF. what am i finding about MYSELF? what am i really looking for? would i know what it was if i found it? if i don't know what it is that i'm looking for, how will i ever know if i do find it? will anyone ever be able to answer all of my questions? ~some of them??? will i ever be able to answer any of my own questions without losing MYSELF? that is really not probable. you see, all of this on this page means nothing to me. just psykho babble from the dark corners of my mind. sometimes they knokk and my refusal to answer the door becomes disturbing to MYSELF. life is bad when you tend to ignore your own pleas. how can i expect anyone to pay attention to me when i ignore MYSELF? hahahaha. i can laugh at my own "intentions".is that what you call them? maybe they're really laughing at me. i saw MYSELF dying of cancer in a white and faded mint room with the crusts cut off. tubes and machines vented my frustrations onto monitors. sitting beside me was one single soul trying to harness guilt from the inside...remembering forgotten moments stolen by god. <can you find them for me?> my hands overlapped on my chest as the single soul shed a tear of pity~ or was it disgust for giving up and taking the easy way out? i saw all the poor ones i was to leave behind , crying over unpaid medical bills ~ all sour with the misfortune of expenditures that were to become numbers typed into those damned computer files.where am i going with this??
where am i going anyway? i can still smell the latex and oxygen in that faded mint room, sterile from lysol and disinfectant. will that become my reality? why can't i paint a brighter picture with better use of kolor and more imagination? always stukk in the faded room , sandwiched between this world and that. always at odds with MYSELF and everyone. i cannot tell the difference betwixt the air i breathe, and the air i give MYSELF. why can't i let MYSELF breathe? that would mean i would have to rest. that would mean being easier on MYSELF. i just wouldn't be me anymore if things were done that way, i think. i am so selfish......"me,me,me,me....blah, blah, blah." i live in my own little world and i don't even think i deserve that much sometimes......... okay, most of the time. i distance MYSELF from everything and everyone so much that i lose trakk of my destination. i continue to follow the same path downward into depths not made to be understood by me or anyone. a kiis from an angel is all that i have left. he was put here for me , and i am grateful for this gift. <even if it was acquired wrongly> though how it was attained is unimportant. the truth in the matter is that my lakk of expression is a vision within itself. he is my vision of acceptance and importance. i can only find hope in this. it is tolerable and forgiving, pure and gratifying. reluctance is my only grievance now. i find this in both MYSELF and my angel. i wear my stripes on the outside but they continue to look in at me throughplacid eyes~ watchful and evil. if only i could sprout wings and take away all that is and turn it into what could be.



well, that's it. don't laugh at me.