if life was as simple as on 'Full House'...

I wish life were that simple. Can you imagine waking up each morning, throwing on a pink terry cloth bathrobe and going down the wooden staircase, to be cheerfully greeted by Danny, Joey, Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky? I wish Uncle Jesse would greet *me*.
Of course, it might get slightly annoying, seeing as, you know, with all those people in the house, there's no room for privacy. I mean, hello, have you seen the size of their couch? There's no way they could all fit on that.
I've always thought the family on Full House was a normal family. Normal families probably don't have half the damn neighborhood living in their house, but hey, I figured compared to mine, they must be normal.
I'm eighteen years old, and I'm living in Boston, Massachusetts. "Ah," you're probably saying to yourself. "What a lovely city." Lovely city indeed. I just wish I lived in the lovely part. I happen to reside in the South End, which is just a nice way of saying "the ghetto, drug infested, violent part of Boston." That's not to say that I live in a tenement, or a tin shack riddled with bullets. Or that I have some crackwhore shooting up outside my front door. Although I do occasionally see scantily clad women walking the corner. Oh, wait. Sorry, those are just my neighbors.

But I digress. I live with my mother, my father, my cat, and my little sister.
My mother talks as if she has a megaphone surgically attached to her mouth. You can hear her if you stand across the street from our house, and believe me, my dad always knows if she's in a good mood before he comes home from work, because if she isn't, he can hear her. I look just like my mom and I only hope I won't become that bitchy one day.
My dad is 42 and I don't think he knows it. He looks like he could be a wrestler, and he thinks he's as tough as one, too. He's been in and out of jail more times than I can count, the last time being before my little sister was born, I think. I don't like to fuck with him 'cause ya know, he's not all there. He's got split personalities, and one of those personalities is not particularly fond of anything relating to the 1980's. In fact, he turns into a monster.
You think I'm joking yet? Wait til I tell you about myself.
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cause it feels so empty without me

I don't like thongs. They look sexy when you're wearing low rise jeans and you can see the sides of the thong on your hips, but the feeling of permanently having a wedgie is just not a pleasant feeling. And that would be totally random if not for the fact that I am currently wearing the offending undergarment.
But enough about my ass. I was inspired to start this journal when I began reading True Porn Clerk Stories, by Ali Davis. It's interesting because I too am a porn store clerk, I just don't have as many stories to tell. Actually I'm sure I do, it's just that Ali makes them sound so much more interesting and funny than I ever could.
The difference between her store and mine is that mine is predominantly gay. It's smack dab in the middle of a gay neighborhood. Even most of the staff is gay. This doesn't bother me, being bisexual and all. In fact, for the first time I feel like I fit in someplace. I spent like 5 years trying to hide being bisexual and now I can totally be myself. I can say to my manager "did you SEE that hot girl?" and not be looked at as if I'm crazy.
The only problem is that sometimes I'll see a hot guy and then I don't know if I can hit on him or not, because he might play for the other team. It sucks when you know you look hot and you're wondering if the cute guy isnt looking at you because he's gay, or because you're just not as hot as you thought you were.
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lets talk about sex

What do you think about during sex? No, seriously. Do you like lay there and go over the new Thursday night lineup on television? Or do you actually think about the sex that you are currently engaging in?
Because, me personally? I watch tv. I lost my virginity while watching the X-Files. This was over a year ago. I'm with the same guy and the sex is still bad.
I think I'm a lesbian.
Is there a such thing as a lesbian who is very attracted to guys, but doesn't actually enjoy having sex with them? If that's the case, then that is what I am. I look forward to sex. Then when I'm having it, I get bored. I'm watching the clock, watching tv, counting cracks in the ceiling. The minute it's over I feel a rush of relief. Yay, it's over. Now we can move on to the nice naked cuddling part.
Naked cuddling is good. I think even lesbians can enjoy that. I enjoyed naked cuddling when I had a girlfriend, as a matter of fact. Lately, I've been missing girls. With my girlfriend, I didn't watch TV or count ceiling cracks. I actually enjoyed myself.

Yes...I think I'm a lesbian.
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daily adventures

I could apologize for the earlier post about sex but I'm not going to, cause this is my journal and if I think my sex life is funny or somewhat interesting, I can talk about it. Besides, some people found it amusing. ::smiles::
I'm wondering why I'm awake right now. I was yawning at quarter to 12, and now it's quarter to 1. I barely got any sleep last night because I stayed up on the internet, then I lay in bed and couldn't sleep. My mom and my sister get up at 6:30 because my sister has school, and my mom still walks her to school. And they are LOUD. Almost as loud as I am, if not louder. I can literally hear them in the midst of my dreams. I'm dreaming about making love to Avril Lavigne and I hear my mom's voice yelling at my sister. NOT a pleasant thing, let me tell you.
Even though I'm almost 19, our apartment is small so I have to share a bedroom with my 9 year old sister. I'm aware that it sucks royally, but I just don't have the money to move out, plain and simple, so it'll have to do. Therefore, I'm awoken by my mother turning on my bright ass bedroom light in order to help my sister get ready for school. Sleeping late does not occur often in my house.
I drifted in and out of sleep this morning, finally rolling out of bed five minutes before 8. I had to be at work at quarter to ten and I was nearly ten minutes late. The shift manager doesnt care much as long as I can open my register in time to ring up customers when we open. Sometimes we have a few people who rush in at the stroke of ten in order to get their morning porn. Seriously, how can you jerk off that early in the morning? I can barely function. If I had a dick,I wouldn't want to jerk off until at least after lunch.
so i hit enter too soon

I guess in some ways, I'm luckier than Ali. I don't have to deal with people jerking off downstairs in the adult section. It just wouldn't happen in my video store, for multiple reasons. Reason #1-It's come to my attention that gay men renting porn seem to be more polite than straight men renting porn. And more normal. I mean, gay men don't (usually) want to see men getting fucked while hung from the ceiling by their toes. Straight men like fucked up shit like that. They like she-males fucking their brother and stuff.
Reason #2-Our porno section is pretty small. It doesn't need to be big, considering it mainly houses gay porn. There's a small straight section, as a well as an even smaller lesbian and bisexual section. If we're looking at the monitor, which is in plain view of where we stand at the counter, we can automatically see everything thats going on downstairs.
Reason #3-The office is downstairs, which is also where the time clocks, refridgerator, microwave, coat hooks and bathroom is. Employees frequently pass through the porno section to get there.
Reason #4-More than half of our customers know the owners of the video store. You just don't want to jerk off in your friend's
video store.

I do, however, sympathize with her fear of bodily fluids on the adult tapes being returned. You just dont know sometimes, why the tape is wet. Like today, it was raining and I knew that, but everytime somebody handed me a wet tape,I thought of Ali's disasters and just cringed, wanting to go sanitize my hands.

And that's pretty much it for the night. It's past 1 AM, I'm going to bed.

I don't think my PMs are working. Somebody PM me so I can tell. I tried to PM Gypsy the other day and I don't know if she got it so she probably thinks I'm ignoring her.

Men suck. I had a lunch date with my boyfriend today, but he never got in touch with me last night so I had no idea what time we were meeting, or where, or even if we were still on. I emailed him last night and I checked the status and it was deleted without being read. The last time he was online was on Sunday, so I doubt his mailbox was THAT full that it had begun deleting his email. I have a screen name I haven't used for two years, that is subscribed to a million yahoogroups, and even THAT takes like two months to get that full.

Again, I am reconsidering moving on to just women.
what a day

Holy shit.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it. It doesn't explain why he deleted my email without reading it this morning, but his being MIA is explained.

About a month and a half ago, my boyfriend began getting bad headaches. He went to the doctor and was told he had a clotted vein above his right eye. He was put on meds and told it might require surgery if it didnt get better.

Turns out, yesterday morning he woke up in so much pain. He passed out on the kitchen floor and was taken to the hospital. He went into surgery.

<b> No one called me. </b>

I am pissed.
its been awhile..

I feel like I've been ignoring this thing.

Yesterday was my birthday, you'd think my boyfriend would be a good boyfriend and come over, seeing as he had no work and he's recovered. But no, he does not. I've come to the conclusion that he's a pathological liar, an inconsiderate bastard, and a fruitcake. Even though he did tell me last night that he's never loved anyone like he loves me.
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im not very insightful today,im afraid

I've slacked on my updates, and when I do update, I'm not funny. So I apologize. Because I'm supposed to be insightful and funny. And I will be. Just not right now.

Letting go is hard. Really hard when you've been with someone for over a year, and you've settled into that comfortable place. You know, like that spot on a couch that is molded perfectly into the curve of your ass because you sit there so much?
That is what my relationship with my boyfriend has become. The ass-mold in the couch. I love him, yes, but...it's like the kind of love you have for that stuffed animal thats been on your bed forever. You wanna cuddle it at night but thats it. You'd never want to keep it there for all your friends to see.
I'm COMFORTABLE in the relationship. Doesn't mean that I'm happy. I feel like he puts me last. He works, spends all his time doing god-knows-what, and I hear from him when it's convenient. I'm not much better. I dont call him, but thats because when I do it's just like he doesnt want to talk. Thats usually fine with me. I prefer talking by Instant Messenger. But it's ridiculous when all you hear from your boyfriend in three days is a 5 minute IM.
I'm scared as hell, but I'm breaking up with him. I'm scared because I don't like change, I don't like being alone, and I don't like losing what I'm comfortable with. He is my best friend and when I lose him as a boyfriend, I know I'm going to lose him as a friend as well.
I had an epiphany today while shaving my legs. I don't have those very often, and certainly not while shaving my legs. I realized that my therapist, Anita, was right.
She said to me that it sounded like my boyfriend and I were more like best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. She said most of our contact is limited to IM conversations, which is true. She knows that we rarely have sex. Aside from the affection when we're together, we do have a very friend-like relationship.
But, I said to myself today, I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Really. And then I thought to myself, no, you're just looking forward to going shopping with him. You want to go to the mall with him. You don't want to go back to his house, like he wants to.
I don't even like to kiss him anymore. I force myself to. I like hugs and stuff, but I've always had what my high school religion teacher used to call "skin hunger". I like affection from guys and girls I'm attracted to.
I've spent the past few weeks wondering if I really want to break up with him. Then I asked myself how to break up with him. Now I know for sure that I have to.
So, yes. My epiphany is this: I want to be best friends with my boyfriend. That's all.
random thoughts...

I hate bathroom stalls. No, I really do. Now I understand why guys sometimes get performance anxiety in the bedroom. I mean, you're sitting there and you know there are three women directly outside the stall, and while they're not intentionally listening, they're hearing you.
If you're too quiet, or you take some time to go, they'll probably think you're doing #2, which everybody does, but nobody wants to admit they do, especially in a public bathroom.
It's just...I dunno. I can't work under pressure. They really should start making them like in rooms with doors, you know, instead of stalls. Would it really be that much harder to make the walls and door reach to the ceiling and floor? Just a thought.

And I am proud to admit...that I HAVE BALLS! Okay, no wait. That did not sound good. How about...I have guts? I finally left that loser of a boyfriend I had. Seems the fucker had a list of excuses piled to the ceiling of reasons why he couldnt see me for the next three weeks straight. Hit the road, Jack. :flip:
yeah im still alive

I really want to make a funny and insightful entry tonight, but I'm just not feeling either insightful or funny at the moment. It's 12:43, and, shockingly, I'm not tired. This is interesting, as I'm usually falling asleep on my keyboard by 11.

I spent my last $200 on a Christmas present for my mom. Let the bitch say I don't love her now? I spent not only money I couldn't afford to lose, but lots of time, many hours on Ebay searching for Bon Jovi tickets that weren't nosebleed seats.
She loves Bon Jovi, and really wanted to go but she doesn't work and didn't have the money, and my father is a dick and wouldn't give up any money because he's fucking jealous that she's nuts about Jon.
So. Bitchy daughter comes to the rescue.

How do ya like them apples, dad?
call it karma, call it luck. me, i just dont give a....

Look at that, I'm still alive! I just haven't been here in awhile.
Actually, that isn't true. I'm here at least once a week, I just haven't posted. I really enjoy reading Trials of Chastity, and, my favorite, Ramblings of a Single Mom.
I don't know if I'm proud or afraid to say that I can't have Dominos Pizza without thinking of Gypsy and the entries I've read about her nights at work. I've decided Dominos is my favorite, by the way. I'm not a huge pizza fan, but I absolutely love their pizza and cheesy bread. We had it tonight, and I was a very happy camper.
Just to bring everyone up to date: I still work at that video store. I now have a new boss (well, he's an acting manager for now). I'm still single. I'm still in college. And, I am sexually frustrated.
take my hand, we'll make it i swear...livin' on a prayer...

I discovered a new journal last night, at about 1 AM. I'm completely smitten with it. I spent about two hours reading every last post about that librarian.. I found myself laughing, smiling, tearing up, all in one sitting. I could relate to so many things that she said, yet, there were other things that I could never imagine experiencing.
I admire her, too. She's the type of person I'd like to be, but couldn't. I wish I had the confidence to do half of the things she does. To say half of what she says. Too often, I let something pass me by because I'm too fucking scared to go for it.
I can't do it anymore. I'm going to go get that second job so I can save money to move out. I'm going to take six classes next semester to catch up so I can graduate by August. I'm going to learn to drive. I'm going to fucking go on that roadtrip, even if I can't go until next spring cause I'm flat broke.

This is me, telling myself to grow up.
love stinks

I'm so not funny anymore. But I've reached the point that I just don't care. Lately, I've been thinking alot about my first love. She was a straight girl from high school, two years younger than me. She was one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen.
Don't get me wrong...she wasn't this blonde, big breasted leggy thing...there are different dimensions of beauty. Beauty, to me, is someone more..original looking. And she was just that. She was about 4'11", with big blue-green eyes, rosy cheeks, a beautiful smile, a beauty mark, and long, wavy black hair. She really was a tomboy, playing on the basketball, soccer and softball teams. So her wardrobe consisted of swishie pants and a t-shirt or sweatshirt. She was just...so unfeminine.
It amazed me how somebody could be so beautiful and not care about their looks whatsoever. I swear to you...just thinking about her is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I'm smiling and my heart is racing. And I havent seen her in a year and a half. This was true love and it still is.
I now believe in love at first sight. I'd seen her around school...but had never really SEEN her. Then one day she walked by and I looked at her. My heart stopped and I fell so deep and so fast, and so hard...and I never looked back.
The problem? She was straight and kind of homophobic. I didn't dare tell her how I felt, even after we became friends. The two years up until I graduated were full of good times and bad, for me. We spent time together, and at times we were getting close. Then other times she would push me away, until finally, I figured out that she knew how I felt. Our friendship kind of ended then. Soon after, I graduated.
It's been...nearly two years since I've been of high school. I still think about her every day. My first experience with falling in love was a tough one because I knew it would have to be unrequited. Although there were times it hurt deeply...I wouldn't go back and change it so that I didn't fall in love. Because love is the most incredible feeling ever...loving her has been such a good experience for me. I don't think I'll ever stop loving her.:love:
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I guess I'm back.

I haven't written in this thing in a long time, but I've been keeping up with all my favorite journals around here. I faithfully read Gypsy's journal, Sugar-Snit's, Yonphi's...and a few others, although I can't think of their names off the top of my head. They're like mini-celebrities in my eyes.

Anyway, I suppose I should get everyone up to date with what's going on with me. I'd love to say that I've found the man (or woman) of my dreams and I'm spending every night out on the town, but I've actually been single since last October (I broke it off with him). It's lonely at times, but I really don't have the time right now to put the effort into a relationship. I'm in classes every day, and I work four times a week, not to mention I have an appointment with my therapist every other week.

I still work at the video store, just on Sundays now. Saturday is the only day I have all to myself. On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, I have an adorable 19 month old boy to take care of, and I will be honest with you, it is the only part of my life that I enjoy anymore. I love taking care of that baby. Maybe it's because I want my own so badly. I'm so young, only 2 months away from 20, yet I've wanted a child since I was 17 years old. I think at one point I may have been pregnant and had a miscarriage but it's hard to tell so early on. In any case, I want a baby. And since I'm definately not financially stable enough, or in a serious relationship, this whole babysitting thing is really working for me. The pay is good, and as I said earlier, I immensely enjoy taking care of that baby. It's a job I actually look forward to going to.

I graduate college in December. I should have never gone, at least not to this school. It's now offical; I have no future as a graphic design artist. I still cannot draw, by hand or on the computer. Please do NOT PM me telling me not to be so hard on myself. When you're two months away from finishing classes and starting internship, you KNOW if you have the talent or not. It's black and white, no gray areas. Either you have it, or you don't. I don't, and I'm not upset about it. I'm just upset I wasted all this time and money.

What am I planning to do when I graduate? I'm hoping to get a job in a preschool as some kind of teacher's assistant. I've seen job listings where you only need to have taken a psychology course, which I've taken. If need be, I'll even go take some courses in child development. i do plan on going back to school when I have the money later. For both Early Childhood AND writing. I have lots of goals, I know. We'll see if I manage to reach them.

I'm tired, so I'm going to curl up in bed and fall asleep while watching The Best of Friends volume one, and wondering what that weird noise in my room is. Tomorrow, I'm going to work on a list of my goals.
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I suppose some of you may be wondering about the title of my journal. It made complete sense to me at the time it was created but now when I go back and look at it, it seems a bit long. Still, I like it.

It all goes back to when I was little. I was young around the time Full House was at it's prime- I'm just 2 or 3 years older than the Olsen twins, I think. I loved the show, because it was a house I'd have loved to grow up in.

I mean, the kids had no Mom. She died when they were young but they were still surrounded with so much love. They had their Dad, Uncle Jesse, Joey, Aunt Becky, etc. I had both of my parents for most of my life, and believe me, it wasn't like Full House, not one bit. I marveled at the way they didn't get yelled at when they knocked over a glass of milk. I couldn't believe that their neighbors actually walked into their house and sat down for breakfast with them, or that they could leave their front door unlocked. Or that they could walk to school alone without getting harassed. I couldn't believe their Dad never acted put out when they had to drive a friend home at night, I couldn't believe he never minded taking them to soccer practice, ballet class, etc. My parents act like it's the biggest hardship in the world to take my sister to the YMCA for her karate class one day a week.

I wanted to live with the Tanners. I wanted to have problems that could be solved in a 23 minutes. I wanted the big house, the dog in the backyard, the big sister and little sister, the family to always support me. I wanted a neighborhood and school where I wasn't always the minority. I wanted to fit in and have friends. I didn't want to walk around the schoolyard singing to myself because people didn't like me and would only "be my friend" if I had a good recess snack to share that day.

I'm depressing even myself now with this, so. I'm ending right here. :mope:
it's been awhile!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've come to read the journals, even longer since I posted last. I didn't read the journals first, so I don't know who quit or what's going on in everyone's lives, but I can't wait to go and read my favorite journals again.

I'm still in college, anxiously awaiting the start of my internship. My school never helped me find one, even though I went there to get help often and did all that I could to get in touch with them. They basically just ran me around, promised they'd help, and never did. If it wasn't for my godmother helping me get one through her boyfriend, I wouldn't have been able to find one. I already took last semester off because I couldn't find one. It's just more time I'm wasting. But then again, I don't really mind because I get some time off. I haven't had time to do nothing since I started school in February 2002. Of course I still work, but that's unavoidable. I'm still working at the video store on Sundays, and babysitting most of the week. I've grown so attached to that baby. I love him to death, but my hours with him are about to be cut to one day a week since he's going to daycare. That sucks, but he's old enough that he needs to be with other kids. Looks like i'll either find a second babysitting job or just put in more hours at the video store. Lucky me.

As for my love life? I'm finally "with" my best online friend. I don't know how all of you out there view online relationships. I spend alot of time online and I've made alot of great friends. This particular girl, I've known almost 2 years and she's one of my best friends. We communicate through the internet, email and phone. I feel like I truly know her, and for a year now I've wanted to date her. It finally happened after sitting back and watching her be hurt by other online 'friends'. It's all the same in the end, though; you meet someone in the real world and you can't decide what to do.
It's happening to me. I met someone and we did go on a date, but nothing happened, not even a kiss. I'm not sure I have romantic feelings for her, but we're going to dinner on Friday. She wouldn't understand if I told her I have an online girlfriend. To most people it doesn't mean anything. But to me, it does.
It's been a very long time, I know. My life has twisted and turned in so many different directions, but the most important thing? Remember that girl I gushed about? The one I fell in love with in high school?

Yeah, I married her ;)
So much has happened in my life. The loser ex-boyfriend and I ended up getting back together for another year of lies. He proposed to me on Valentine's Day in 2004. He did the whole trail of rose petals with candles and what was going to be our wedding song playing in the background. He cried, I didn't. I think more than anything I was excited about the idea of getting to have that wedding I always dreamed about. I know I was excited to have the shiny diamond ring on my finger. So I said yes for all the wrong reasons. We started planing the wedding and set a date - June 4, 2005. We picked a church and all of that. Then everything started to go downhill again. The excuses as to why he couldn't spend time with me, etc. Finally after avoiding me for nearly a month he told me that he was having some mental health issues. He'd recently lost a friend and then his friend OD'd on drugs and nearly died. Or so he says, though I don't know why you'd make such things up. Of course, if you knew him like I did you'd know that the idea of him making up shit like that isn't as crazy as it sounds. He informed me that he didn't want to see me because he'd been having nervous breakdowns and was afraid he'd hurt me. As in, physically. O-kay. That certainly contributed to our breakup, but his official reason was because I was "distant". You don't see me for a month and I'M distant? No, but in all seriousness, yes I was. Of course I was. I was a lesbian stuck in a relationship with a man I was too afraid to lose. I was afraid of being alone, simply put. Afraid I'd never find someone who would want to marry me. I had a hard time with the break up. It didn't help that he broke off our engagement via IM. Sensitive man, he was.

I began working at a daycare, which I would have enjoyed had my bosses been pleasant people to work with. I loved the children and got very attached to one in particular. I know you're not supposed to do that but sometimes it's just impossible. She became attached to me too. During my time working there I started talking a lot with a girl that worked there and it seemed like she really liked me. she asked me out but before we could go she just stopped talking to me. No clue why. There was another girl I went out on one date with but that was all it took to make me see that she was not at all my type.

I stayed at the daycare for a little over a year until I found a great nanny job. It was a nanny share, so I would be working for two families out of one home. I would be responsible for a 3 month old boy and a 4 month old girl. I absolutely loved that job, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

The first big turning point for me was when a friend sent me an IM and told me that my first love from high school was on Facebook. I quickly set up an account and friended her, and that simple action changed my life.

To be continued.