Improv Resource Center - Forums
Dear Santa,
I hope this letter finds you well.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas. I have noticed that in recent years I have not received what I asked for and that really bothers me.
I haven’t been bad, Santa Baby. I can only assume that you did not get any of my letters. So I’ve decided to take matters further and have fedexed this letter to the North Pole. Yes, I have a tracking number and thanks to Fedex dot com my assistant can find out who signed for it. I trust this letter will reach you very soon.
But I digress.
After reading a plethora of articles in such storied publications as Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Stuff, I have learned that my biological clock is ticking. No, I’m not asking for a baby, so don’t worry. After all, where's the fun in that? No Santa, I ask for a husband.
Below you will find everything I look for in a life mate. Please take all of these qualities into consideration, because I don’t think I can return a man to Bloomingdales like I can an ugly sweater.
My Husband:
-Over 6 feet tall.
-Nice Skin
-Chest hair, no back hair, full head of hair, no facial hair
-20/20 vision (eye color does not matter)
-Nice feet and hands (no nail biters please!)
-IQ over 135
-Speaks 2 languages aside from English (French and Spanish preferred)
-Ivy League Educated (but not Harvard)
-At least one advanced degree
-Makes at least six figures (I’d prefer seven, but I’m not going to be greedy about it)
-Handy with a pool cue
-Likes baseball and european football (no American football fans, please, I can’t abide pork rinds)
-Impeccable taste in jewelry (no Tiffany’s bullshit, I’m talking David Yurman here)
-Photographic memory (I never want to receive the same gift twice)
-Agnostic
-Funny (not knock-knock joke funny, but ASSSCAT funny)
Also, I cannot stand alcoholics, drug users, manic-depressives, cheapskates, passive aggressive behavior, Red Sox fans, vegetarians, country bumpkins, hippies, mama’s boys or porn enthusiasts. I will immediately send back any husband that falls into any or all (heaven forbid!) of the above categories.
Santa, I want to thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter. Instead of cookies and milk, I will leave cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery and Dom Perignon for you. Just promise you won’t open the champagne till you're safe at home in the North Pole.
If you have any questions, I have enclosed my business card. (My cell number is on the back) Please feel free to call me day or night with questions or concerns.
Kindest Regards,
Jenny Bling
I hope this letter finds you well.
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to what I want for Christmas. I have noticed that in recent years I have not received what I asked for and that really bothers me.
I haven’t been bad, Santa Baby. I can only assume that you did not get any of my letters. So I’ve decided to take matters further and have fedexed this letter to the North Pole. Yes, I have a tracking number and thanks to Fedex dot com my assistant can find out who signed for it. I trust this letter will reach you very soon.
But I digress.
After reading a plethora of articles in such storied publications as Cosmopolitan, Glamour and Stuff, I have learned that my biological clock is ticking. No, I’m not asking for a baby, so don’t worry. After all, where's the fun in that? No Santa, I ask for a husband.
Below you will find everything I look for in a life mate. Please take all of these qualities into consideration, because I don’t think I can return a man to Bloomingdales like I can an ugly sweater.
My Husband:
-Over 6 feet tall.
-Nice Skin
-Chest hair, no back hair, full head of hair, no facial hair
-20/20 vision (eye color does not matter)
-Nice feet and hands (no nail biters please!)
-IQ over 135
-Speaks 2 languages aside from English (French and Spanish preferred)
-Ivy League Educated (but not Harvard)
-At least one advanced degree
-Makes at least six figures (I’d prefer seven, but I’m not going to be greedy about it)
-Handy with a pool cue
-Likes baseball and european football (no American football fans, please, I can’t abide pork rinds)
-Impeccable taste in jewelry (no Tiffany’s bullshit, I’m talking David Yurman here)
-Photographic memory (I never want to receive the same gift twice)
-Agnostic
-Funny (not knock-knock joke funny, but ASSSCAT funny)
Also, I cannot stand alcoholics, drug users, manic-depressives, cheapskates, passive aggressive behavior, Red Sox fans, vegetarians, country bumpkins, hippies, mama’s boys or porn enthusiasts. I will immediately send back any husband that falls into any or all (heaven forbid!) of the above categories.
Santa, I want to thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter. Instead of cookies and milk, I will leave cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery and Dom Perignon for you. Just promise you won’t open the champagne till you're safe at home in the North Pole.
If you have any questions, I have enclosed my business card. (My cell number is on the back) Please feel free to call me day or night with questions or concerns.
Kindest Regards,
Jenny Bling