i hit my sexual peak during harold night...

[GoldDustWoman]

I'm Johnny Knoxville

or, What I Learned from watching Hours and Hours of "JACKASS" -

I don't think it's funny, but I couldn't take my eyes off it. Could not stop watching it and was fascinated. Why? I think I was impressed by a couple of things. Full fucking commitment. Complete lack of self-consciousness. Absolutely no fear of looking like a total asshole. What a bunch of ugly fucking jerks. Damn.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

You look good.
Yeah, and you're not so bad yourself.
No really, you look good. Seriously.
You think? Is it the hair? The eyes? The enormous -
Seriously.
Well, then, the fact is, so do you.
You think so?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Damn. Want another?
Yeah. Thanks. You?
No, I'm good. No, maybe I'd better.
Why?
No reason.
Am I making you nervous?
No. Yeah.
That's hilarious.
Come here.
(We hear bottles dropping to concrete, smashing full-)

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Damn.
Yeah.
Shit.
Yeah. Ha. Ha.
Are we -
Crazy? Insane?
Probably.
No, completely.
Do you think anyone -
No, I think it's safe -
Are you sure -
Yeah, pretty sure - it's loud -
Damn.
Yeah.
Phhh. Yeah.
heh.
Are we good?
Yeah, we are.
Yeah.
Come here -

(We hear a bag full of many empty cans and bottles falling over and crashing loudly - )

 

[GoldDustWoman]

person-ality

A very cool old buddy (and fellow deep geek) recently pegged me as a "loud introvert."

Stark raving madness (the good kind) on the outside, a quivering mass of jello on the inside. Under certain circumstances, I'm charming and witty as hell. But at the party, I'm likely to be quietly shredding cocktail napkins in the corner. Contemplating ice cube melting patterns in my cup. Deep geek city.

Hey!! Look at me!!!! Just don't hang around and chat. I suck at that. No, Wait -

Give me a microphone and fifty, five hundred people any day. Just not five.

Yeah, I'm ridiculously shy. You got a problem with that, buddy?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

forty five minutes of what have you and then it's all over...

my shrink is brilliant. he's the ultimate in anti-shrink bullshit. i would be in love if it wasn't such a painfully obvious cliche. it sucks that he's also fiercely attractive, in an older-man james naughton/bobby valentine kind of way. fortunately for me he is completely not tall.

sorry, i am a bit height-ist. let's get freudian. my father is 6-4. you don't have to be fellini to figure that one out. to be fair, i am 5-9. oddly, my ball/chain is only 5-10ish. hmmm. here's a hint, folks. you must be this tall to ride this ride....i feel so shallow right now. so shallow.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

I wonder what it would be like to be pretty.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

On the flipside, one of my favorite songs just came on the radio. My drunken karaoke buddies will know what I mean - an oddball choice, but one with meaning, well, at least to me - it's an oldie but a goodie by Carly Simon. Apparently, she recently auctioned, at a charity auction, the chance to find out who the song was about. Well, who she wrote it about, anyway. I forgot who won, but she whispered it in the winning person's ear. That person bid a whole lot of money, I hope they weren't ripped off. I don't even remember who the contenders were - James Taylor, was one. Some other rock guys, probably. Was Warren Beatty another one? A little 70s intrigue. that notwithstanding, a good one-third of the song still makes absolutely no sense. Clouds in my coffee? What the fuck?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

I'm not sleeping and I'm reading other people's journals. They're interesting. Insightful. Literate. I wonder what people think when they read mine. Boy, I really am pretty fucking vain, aren't I? HA!

My brain to keyboard transfer time is increasing, which automatically makes things less interesting, in my opinion. Problem, I've been carrying around a notebook, for stand-up purposes, and I've been shunting off information. Although that stuff's considerably more linear, believe it or not. Less alter ego. Probably less hormonal, at any rate. More about me. Boy, I really am pretty fucking vain!!

Let's talk about other people. Remember how I swore I wouldn't do it? Well, clearly I'm a fucking liar. No, I'm a fucking lawyer Small but significant difference, folks. I can get off on a technicality. I believe what I said was that I wouldn't ever say stuff that would make anyone feel bad or embarrased or otherwise negative. So, I can lavish praise, respectfully disagree, or share a secret smile. Nyah nyah nyah. :up:

I'm a big fan of Ms Baby D's journal - Ms Baby D's a fine fine 'provver and a cool cool lady. We have had an unwitting but unsurprising convergence on the absolute unrestrained sexiness of the smart, funny, self-possessed male improviser who gives great scene - regardless of the curl of his hair or the cut of his shirt - (yeah, the entry titled "this section is for the guys to read" - i totally ignored that direction, oh bad bad me!!!) - great and powerful female minds think alike!

one night, after one fabulous show or another, a few of us of various sexual persuasions were chatting up about life, love and improv - one of us, who shall remain uncredited until he reclaims the term forcibly, was the first as far as I know, to name the "humorsexual" - one who falls madly in love with the incredibly talented funny performer before your eyes, spewing out a performance of such unbelievable genius that you can't help but fall in love, head over heels, if only for a moment, a night......because, they're just so fucking FUNNY!

Raging humorsexuals are we all, no doubt.

RAGING!!!!


FYI - I opened my birthday present early. Got a big box of Clinique Happy Heart stuff. Super-girlie, yes, but you can't beat the body cream. I can also borrow the man's birthday gift that I got him, a video of Glengarry Glen Ross (way cool), but not the book on some Miami Beach architect I got him (less interesting). Our birthdays are seven years and one day apart. I am the younger one.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Random Practice Notes

YES......AND.....

Hand me that socket wrench.
Sure thing. It's about that time of day, Sully, isn't it? Snickers?
Sure. And you know what they say, don't you?
No, but I know you do, Sully, you always do, after 30 years!
Snickers ALWAYS satisfies!
Sure does, Sully. Especially with that touch of machine oil on top of it here.
Machine oil? Can that be good?
Well, I'm thinking it may help prevent the colon cancer. Keep everything moving. Clean you out, you know -
Well, I've got the colon cancer.
You sure, Sully?
Yeah. Doctor's told me.
Yeah. Wow. Well, then here, have my Snickers.
Thanks, man.
Yeah, Maybe it's not too late to help ya a little.

YES....AND......

Locations inform. Activities inform, but that's not what it's all about. But you should keep doing them.

YES.....AND......

Do I look alright, Pa?
You look fine, son.
I'm, I'm a little nervous -
Nothing to be afraid of, these girls are my friends -
But it's my first time.
Well, that's why I brought you here son. It's time that you learned how to be a man.
And this is such a fancy place...the windows close...the door shuts...the steps are real brick...
That's right son, I've spent an awful lot of money here, since I'm here two, three times a week...
How do I look?
You look just fine.
Is there any straw stuck in my teeth?
Son, why would there be straw stuck in your teeth?
You know I chew when I'm nervous -
You look fine. Let's go meet the girls-
Girls? you mean there's more than one?
That's right. You'll have three. And son - Don't embarrass me.


YES.....AND......

The structure and the form is there for you.

YES....AND......

Not only does arguing not advance the scene, it is a total waste of time. and guess what, you have no time to waste. (You know I never thought of that. seriously. I knew about the not advancing the scene, and not being interesting to watch, but I never thought about it as a time waster. Whoo. I wish I could convey non-sarcasm better, but it was a revelation).

YES....AND......

TEMPS IN SPACE

I've got them on visual.
And they are soooooo hot!
I freaking looove the night shift! M&Ms?
Sure, thanks. Yeah, they don't even care if you eat up here or anything.
I know, it's awesome. Whoa, look look look at him!! Nice ass on that one!
He's a total babe.
You know, I bet the sexual harassement laws don't apply 26000 miles up in orbit.
That's right, especially since we're down here, and they're all the way up there - Hey, check this one out
All right! Shower time!
(In space no one can hear you drop the soap. Ha! A line or a note, I don't remember. But there were naked guys referred to...)
Looks like they've been using the gym equipment pretty well, wouldn't you say?

YES....AND....

Does it seem like I eat a lot of candy? I don't, but I was hungry at the time.

Get the energy UP. (Preferably not through candy. I'm just sayin')




***********************************
ALL KIDDING ASIDE - AN UNRELATED ASIDE SHOT OUT INTO THE ETHER

Break a leg. But what the fuck??

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Random Living Notes

Today I'm enjoying a bit of a hangover. Does anyone agree with me that a bit of a hangover can be slightly enjoyable? Not a hangover that requires two changes of clothes and a bottle of Lestoil, but one that makes you slow down just a little bit - I guess it sets my warp-speed brain down into relatively normal pacing for a little while, and gives me some measure of relief from habitual edginess. Don't have the energy to crank up. Drinking sweet coffee and a buttered roll - hangover helpers! An excuse for nice nonthreatening food. Gloriously completely unmotivated. Blankets were extra nice this morning.

It's because last night, in large part, I got drunk and talked about boys.

I'm old enough to get drunk without getting wasted. I think my stupid days are behind me, to the extend that I had them - I don't think I've been a total moron-drunk in a seriously long time, and I caught myself in hand at a reasonably early age, actually. (Although I have been the victim of some vicious morning-afters, and, wait - at least one regrettable post-legal one night stand, resulting in the temporary possession of a gold Amex that was not my own. I gave it back unshopped-on, to be greeted by an ungrateful rich kid's door slam. Bastard.) Damn my hyper-responsible self.

Someone's alter-egos are pounding on the door, yearning to heavy-breathe free...

Today I thought about what my favorite improv journals were, and I thought about giving a little shout, an electronic pat on the back, as it were, and talking about my personal favorites. I then thought the better of it, because by definition, such a list is exclusionary and this forum isn't about judgments. I know I flip through people's electronica from time to time, and I'm sure people do through mine, and I'd hate to NOT be on someone's top ten list, seriously - no matter how little I thought I cared. Let's face human behaviour facts, folks - they could be choosing up unwilling subjects for random laser torture cannon testing, and I'd wonder "Hey, what the fuck's wrong with my ass? Not a big enough target?" if my butt were spared. You would too. Don't deny it. Besides, I steal at will with full citations so my conscience is clear and my respect for intellectual property intact.

Along those lines, here's a quote that made me smile and wonder at the same time - from The Andy Rocco :

Is everyday different, and we just don't know how it is going to be different?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

The Journal journal

Today's otherjournal quote comes from Hook, Line and Sinker (thanks for this "Pearl" of wisdom. Get it? Ahem.):

Ever want to impress someone? Gain their respect, become friends? Yet whenever you're around them, you make a complete ass of yourself? Say the wrong thing, do something stupid? Right.

Yeah.

I'm just sayin'.

So much for originality. I guess hangovers mean never having to create your own journal entries.

By the way - I'm no longer alone in the house, she says, as she guiltily but instinctively and uselessly minimizes the open journal window. Uselessly, because what the fuck does he know about computers, the Internet, online journals, the IRC...the list goes on. He can check his email. He doesn't even use the Internet for porn. Not computer literate enough. Not interested enough to learn (!). Seriously.

I am insanely, vividly, luridly unfaithful.....in my MIND, motherfuckers.

In my mind. Perhaps, on "paper."
Does this count as "paper?"

MINIMIZE>>>>>>>>

 

[GoldDustWoman]

I've said this before, it's not about you, specifically, people. Well, it's probably about you, generally. But not you, specifically. Kind of like, man the species, not man that guy over there.

Except, of course, for you. Gotcha. No, wait, I'm kidding, this is a bit. Isn't it all one giant bit? Guys, this is supposed to be FUNNY.

Or, wait. Some real smart dude was just getting through telling me it's supposed to be REAL.

Well, fuck.

But, guys? Seriously? Wait, let me tell you - the title of this journal?

It's really not a bit. It comes from something Real.

It's funny because it's True.

Well then.

The Truth. There it was, the whole time. Always there.

So maybe I was on the right track, after all.

Gold Dust Woman, over and out.

Rock on.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Dream Initiations

(breathlessly excited, preferably holding a clipboard of some sort-)

Captain!! I've assembled the entire crew here on the bridge (gestures) - There's an entire new alien civilzation down there on that planet awaiting you (gestures) - And might I say, Captain, you do look incredibly hot in that dress-uniform today.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Qwick Qwiz - Are you a Dickhead or Not?

If you do something really well, or (at least) with some combination of heart, passion and guts - something you are, at any rate, a tiny bit proud of, excited about - anyone who truly, truly loves you should be:

(a) genuinely proud of you and happy
(b) fucking miserable
(c) envious but better at hiding it
(d) none of the above, stop trying to simplify life

If schadenfreude is happiness at the misfortune of others, what is misery in the face of other's happiness?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Ever have a stunning realization about your own life, that actually had a visceral, pulse-rattling impact?

Sucks, man. Totally sucks.

I guess. Maybe not. They're never the ones that tell you how wonderful you are.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Quentin! You sly devil.

I just saw the movie "True Romance" the other night. It finally dawned on me today.

It's a Harold. An incredibly stunning over-the-top movie Harold.

Anybody?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

Chocolate Covered Bananas Again?

Food and sex, food and sex, food and sex -

Everywhere you turn, tons and tons of scenes about food and sex. Or food that represents sex. Or food as a substitute for sex. Or just sex.

Guy/guy, girl/girl, guy/girl. Whatever. No patterns there.

Just seem to be more than usual lately. Not complaining. Just noticing.

Can't be just me. Is it the weather??

What are we hungry for?

 

[GoldDustWoman]

tis the season

I'm trying really hard to be more accepting of behavior of others. Maybe that explains the monster case of hives.

(conversation in progress)
"Can't you just get rid of the Baby Jesus cards? It's not like you bought them, you just found them somewhere. Please?"
(with the look and tone of absolute disgust that a Bible-beating fundamentalist reserves for their reaction to viewing the most abject of pornography featuring their own daughter) "Well somebody paid money for them. It's just a waste."
"I'd really appreciate it. Please."
(Angrily throws cards in trash. Wants medal.)
(Desperately wishes those ten minutes of life were not wasted on this conversation.)

I'm sick and I take it personally. Seems like I could've done something to prevent it somehow. Yes, I'm just that powerful. Had to miss a party and I feel pretty badly about it, but I would've felt worse if I would've gotten my friend's infant sick.

I'm going to start baking this week. Biscotti. Chocolate chip. Those raspberry thumbprint things (ouch. Not the same if you use the back of a spoon. Ouch!) Maybe I'll do some bread along with the cookies. I'm not feeling candy this year, not feeling up to precision sugar chemistry (although I have a fine new thermometer). I may put up some pizza dough, pounding out dough is a great physical activity. wham. hopefully i'll be non-infectious soon, that would be an improvement. It's also productive - big piles of sugar and flour = tasty treats. I tend not to eat up the profits, that's fine with me.

Got to go - Survivor's on. Whoo! I'm taping "Angels in America" because I do believe in quality TV. Don't get me wrong, Survivor is quality reality TV, and all else is total dreck. "Angels in America" Part 1 was incredibly moving, I look forward to part 2.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

This is crazy! All of a sudden, people want patents? And copyrights? Shouldn't everyone be busy shopping or something instead of inventing stuff? I have to get competent, quick, quick, quick!

Competent. Confident.

I am NOT incompetent. Watch it.

 

[GoldDustWoman]

"Retards" - A Disjointed Perspective

Retards - Retards - Running around like "Retards" - *

The retards I knew tended to be kind of sluggish. Except for the ones that were kind of hyper. It's hard to generalize, though. Although they didn't run around, they did grab my boobs a fair amount, and then they would run.

I've discussed this one in particular before. He was actually a great cook, it turned out, as long as we did things like stir frying. Seriously. What does that teach you? Play to Your Strengths!

We don't give retards enough credit. Retards are amazingly complex people. The "smarter" retards are, the more time they spend trying to hide the fact that they actually are, in fact, retards. In fact, so-called "normal" people with retard-like tendencies do a darn good job at it. (Many were on staff at my agency. Again, no joke.)

The ability to develop adaptive strategies to deal with astounding weaknesses in a particular area are brilliant. Ever hear of blind people developing stronger senses, like hearing or such? Picture that with different mental abilities - reading, writing, math, speech and such. It's subtle and difficult and astounding.

- Memorizing a grocery list, and pretending to be able to read it
- Faking a seizure to avoid having an annoying conversation with an authority figure
- Keeping a tie and/or shoes tied all the time
- Reading a newspaper upside down but with absolute conviction; discussing the days news (that you heard on the radio/tv)
- Timing dinner according to the intervals between cartoons/TV shows
- You can memorize (photographic/complete) baseball statistics but you can't/won't remember to bathe
- You won't "remember" to take your insulin/seizure meds, but you know all the characters' marital/paternal relations on Guiding Light

(Does this remind you of anyone you knew in college?)

Try explaining the concept of "Chicks with Dicks" to married developmentally disabled couples who until a year before lived with their parents and never rented porn. Try writing that up as a "progress report" for State reporting purposes. Living skills? You bet! ("They have tits....and dicks!")

Try running around with people who work with retards. Then you will learn some truly fucked up shit.



*developmentally disabled, mentally challenged, whatever the currently accepted/acceptable term is. PM me for my resume and/or my credentials and/or my family history.