I Am the Boss of Applesauce

[Katie]

Happy 4th of July!

We are not doing anything today. We had plans to go to a gathering, but last night both of my kids decided to throw up. It was just one, stomach-emptying vomit a piece, but it was obviously viral since they don't eat the same food. Ian and I haven't gotten sick, but that doesn't mean that we won't and there will be kids at this party, so we decided not to go. It sucks, because I had to turn down their last party because of illness. They're going to stop inviting us soon.

But that's the way it is with kids. They get sick a lot. I didn't even tell Josie about this party because the people throwing it have two kids and if one of them gets sick, the parents might have to call it off, throwing all the invited kids into despair. So at least we dodged that bullet.

If everyone feels well this evening we're going to try to go see some fireworks. I hate crowds, but I love fireworks, so I guess I'll just have to put up with it.

We met Jenna Jolowitz and Sean Murphy's new baby yesterday (3 mos old - hope and pray she doesn't get sick). That's an improviser reference that some readers may get. She was one of the cast members of the ground-breaking "Pinata Full of Bees" at Second City. I know some pretty important people, obviously.

Anyway, their 3 month old is so tiny compared to my 9 month old. And not just in the normal way. Declan is in the 97th percentile for length and the 90th percentile for weight. He's a big kid. He made Dora look like a newborn.

Josie was thrilled to hold the little baby. So much easier than holding wiggly Declan. She sat for a good five minutes with Dora on her lap. Then she got tired of it and sort of let Dora fall over to the side. Jenna caught her just in time.

It's so interesting to hang out with other families. It feels like we're all just pretending to be grown-ups. I wonder if my mom felt this way. With four kids she was probably too tired to feel like anything but a worn out, old, grown-up.

The kids slept through the night with no more throw-ups. Then Declan woke up before 5am (it was still dark outside) and I've been up ever since. He is now asleep at 10:30am.

There must be something in the Bill of Rights to cover this afront, but I'm too tired to read it.

 

[Katie]

Last night, on the way home from the fireworks, Josie said:

"Mommy, I, Josie Roberts, which is me, would like to have a brownie for a bedtime snack."

 

[Katie]

Ian came home from work early the other day and we all went to the pool. Josie has been wanting Ian to come to the pool with us for some time, and it just made her night. Declan loves the water and splashes like crazy in his little float boat. He kicks his legs around like a frog. Then, suddenly after about 20 minutes, he's exhausted. I have to get him out and changed into dry clothes so he can pass out in stroller.

Anyway, we decided to go get pizza afterward. Finding a good pizza place after NYC and NJ is difficult to say the least. I try not to be one of those snobbish people who moves to a new place and proceeds to tell everyone how much better my old hometown was, but they just can't match the pizza out here. We have even been to a place that advertises itself as having owners from New Jersey. It's just not the same.

But Josie was thrilled. The pizza was decent (if not East Coast) and it was a crummy, little, hole-in-the-wall place very like our favorite haunts back 'home'.

At one point Josie announced she wanted to watch the Jimmy/Timmy Power Hour when we got home. It's a dvd of a cross-over show Nickelodean did with Jimmy Neutron and Fairly Odd Parents. She had forced me to play it two times the day before, but she hadn't watched it either time.

Me: I played that twice yesterday and you didn't watch it. You just ran off and did other things.

Josie: You might have to Strap Me In!

Ian laughed so loud that even the guy in the kitchen came out to see what was up.

 

[Katie]

Yesterday Josie put her old band-aid on the refridgerator with a magnet to "remind her of the bad times."

 

[Katie]

We've been traveling so I've been unable to post anything for a while. My kids have done some great and hilarious things, but it's late and all a muddle right now.

I'm at my parents' house for the annual trip of chaos. The kids don't get to bed until 10 or 11 oclock and I get there even later. The house is full to bursting with people every day and night and I'm just exhausted.

Josie is having the time of her life because she's getting to play with other kids every day. When my 6 year old niece is here, Ian and I become completely nonexistent. Occasionally Josie will come down from the loft (where all the toys are) and check in with me. She'll walk up with happily glazed eyes and say "we're playing!" Then she'll pause and say "can I have a snack?"

Mothers are food dispensers from the moment of the child's birth. The kids come out wanting a snack.

Declan's eating table food now. I can't figure out if he's getting more or less than when he was only eating jar food. It takes longer than just shoving spoons full of mush in his face. He typically eats breakfast for about and hour and a half now. We know he's finished when he starts flicking the cheerios off the tray like tiddly-winks.

Tomorrow Ian and my cousin and I are supposed to go see a movie, but there's nothing out right now that we haven't seen that we want to see. If that doesn't make sense it will just have to do. I am nearly asleep.

We're just going to have to see The Island or some other such crap. We've seen everything else. Thumbs up to Hustle and Flow, Cinderella Man and Batman Begins. Ian saw Wedding Crashers without me or I'm sure I'd give that the thumbs up too.

So we finally have the opportunity to get away and enjoy a grown-up day and there's nothing to see. We may have to sit someplace and just talk to each other. I can't imagine what we'll say.

We'll probably just talk about the kids.

 

[Katie]

We're finally home! I am so glad. It's tough to live out of a suitcase for an entire month. Add two kids to it and you'll really go insane.

Since we left my parents house Josie has been devising tricks she wants to play on her cousin, Jacob (10 years old). I don't know why. I don't think he played any tricks on her this time around, but she keeps planning tricks to play on him when we go back to "Granny B and Papa's."

Here was today's plan:
"I'm going to put glue in his armpit and then some goldfish crackers. Then when he puts his arm down the fish will get all crumbled and when he puts his arm up again and looks at it he'll think he throwed up."

She's ready for VH1.

 

[Katie]

We had such a stressful time on our trip to NJ and VA that we had to take a second vacation immediately. We went to San Diego to SeaWorld, the zoo and the Wild Animal Park. Three full days with two travel days. Every muscle in my body aches from walking around for hours and hours three days in a row, but it was one of the best vacations I've ever taken.

Josie has been begging to go to SeaWorld since we moved out here. We've been hoping to take a trip down there, but we just never seemed to find the time. Ian's writing partner is out of town for the next couple of weeks, so it finally worked out. I was sure Josie would be slightly disappointed in SeaWorld because she had built it up so much in her mind. Not so. She said it was the best day of her life. It was a very fun day, I must say, but I'd take food next time because the park food is very over-priced and terrible. Over-priced I expect, but usually it's at least edible.

Anyway, the Wild Animal Park was pretty amazing, but probably the most expensive day of all. The San Diego Zoo is really the best one I've ever been to and has a gorgeous, shady path to walk that makes the whole experience very nice.

All in all it was worth the quick trip. We're going to take vacations more often. It's easy to get caught up in using all your vacation time visiting family. We always intended to take at least one trip a year that had nothing to do with visiting family or work, but the last time we did that was a trip to Mystic Connecticut that Ian and I took about a year after we were married. After that we just never had the chance.

Declan was so happy to get home (he didn't have quite as good a time as Josie had) he just squealed and jumped and smiled like crazy. Josie was determined to play rock and roll band with Ian right after getting out of the car. Their band was called Ruby's Rock Band. I was not invited to a concert but there was loud drumming and yell-singing coming from the master bedroom that was very impressive.

We actually have a very good time when it's just the four of us. The other day Ian and Josie were racing and she said "let's make this more interesting. If I win you wear a pink bikini and run around yelling 'I'm an ice cream, eat me!'"

She gets so much from TV that we quizzed her to see if it was actually her creation. She told us "I made it up myself so mommy can put it in her journal."

She's on to me.

 

[Katie]

Last night Ian was putting Josie to bed and they always get very loud and raucous with their "make-up stories." Since I'm putting Declan to bed at that time I always have to tell them to close the door to her room.

Well last night Josie told Ian this:

"Daddy, we should just always have the light on and close the door when we do make-up stories so Mommy won't get all ... you know ... over-reacted."

 

[Katie]

Today was Josie's first day of Kindergarten. Oh, the trauma. For me. She was so excited about it she was counting the days. I am just afraid all those other little shits are going to break her heart. Does that speak volumes about my school days or what?

Actually, it was pretty good. One of Josie's classmates is named Declan. I talked to a nice woman who had a little girl named Heidi in the class and found out she has five kids. Another woman has six. I didn't think anyone did that anymore. And the one with six is very involved with the school - PTA and all that. I could never, NEVER, handle six kids. I'd love them all like crazy and yet, I would fail them miserably.

As it is I'm having a hard time even completing the forms they want. The amount of paperwork is unbelievable. I really can't imagine volunteering for a time intensive role in the PTA. Maybe later, after I've gotten used to the whole public school thing. But then I'll have to be diplomatic with the other parents and that might be difficult for me since I tend to get "you know...over-reacted."

It might be hard for her to make friends though. She is easily the brightest, most attractive kid in the class.

I'd be jealous too if I was one of the substandard ones.

 

[Katie]

The other day Declan cut one.

"What was that?" I said.

"It was just a little sashimi" Josie said.

 

[Katie]

Josie was telling Ian about the playground that they have for the kindergarten at ther school.

"It's really small. REALLY small. It's so small that if you saw it you would drop your brain in a volcano."

 

[Katie]

I mentioned the mom of one of Josie's kindergarten classmates in an earlier post. The little girl is one of 6 kids and the mom is very involved in the school and planning things. Well, there's more. The other day I dropped Josie off and this lady was strolling her two youngest kids back to their home. I drove past her as she JOGGED back with the kids in the stroller. Maximize time and all that.

Today I noticed the side of her van bore a magnet sign for her business. Yes. A scrap-booking business. Her name is the one on it, so it's not a family thing. It's her own. Six kids. Your own small business in a very time-intensive craft. PTA responsibilities. Six kids. She's also incredibly nice and friendly. She remembers other kids' names. Even her own six kids' names, which would be enough for me.

Now, I am not petty enough to dislike her for her energy or choices. But I do want to stare at her. I want to watch her in action. There aren't many people like her in the world, and Hollywood has been quite cruel to her kind, so it'd be nice to do a non-judgemental documentary on her. I'm sure she could fit time into her schedule to ge a zoo animal for the camera.

Anyway, this is what I want out of this day. I want people to go to ASSSSCAT on Bravo and download the bonus videos. You'll find out other info about ASSSSCAT on TV from the site as well. Things like, what time it's on and who's in it.

That's it. That's all I want to get out of this day. Other than that, I want to sleep.

 

[Katie]

Declan is one year old. His birthday was Wednesday. We celebrated on Tuesday because his sitter (who is so in love with him she has his photo by her bed) doesn't come on Wednesdays. We got him chocolate cupcakes and it was his first taste of such a treat. He beat the poor, little, delicacy to death within twenty seconds.

Of course my digital video camera failed at just that moment so I only have before and after the slaughter.

Both of my kids are growing up. I had to run errands today and I had to bring both kids with me. Unfortunately, by the time we got to the grocery store Declan was asleep. I didn't want to wake him up so I asked Josie to push his stroller while I pushed the cart. She was very excited about helping.

It was the most stressful shopping trip ever. She kept walking away from the stroller. A few times she got distracted by the beautiful packaging and stared at it longingly while aiming Declan straight into a display or stack of cereal boxes.

I really don't want to do that again, but you do what you have to.

One of the things we bought was Go-gurt. It's yogurt in tubes. They had a gimmick with 3D glasses on the box and a 3D picture on each tube. Josie just had to have it. She wanted one the minute we got home. She was really after me to cut out the glasses so she could look at the tube.

Me: Just be patient, I'm putting away the groceries.

Josie: Please!

Me: You know you have to be patient.

Josie: But I want to get freaked out right now!

 

[Katie]

Josie's class has a lesson plan where they teach the kids one 'big' word a week. It's more cute than useful, in my opinion. I had a friend who knew plenty of 'big' words but still used 'ideal' for 'idea' and 'old timer's disease' for 'Alzheimer's disease'. I'm not impressed by the polysyllabic.

Anyway, Josie and Ian had arranged a Josie/Daddy Day for last Saturday. First the LA Zoo, then Chuck E Cheese, then Blockbuster for a video and then back home for the movie. That was the plan. Then on Friday, Josie came up to me at the playground and said:

"I'm ambivalent about the Josie/Daddy Day."

Me: "Why are you ambivalent?"

Josie: "Because we're supposed to go to the zoo, then Chuck E Cheese, then Blockbuster and home for the movie, but if we go to the zoo, then Blockbuster and get the movie, then Chuck E Cheese, then come home for the movie we might be able to spend a little more time at Chuck E Cheese. That's why I'm ambivalent."

Me: "Oh. Well, you'll figure out the best way to do it."

Later she came up and told me:

"I'm not ambivalent anymore. We're going to go to the zoo first, then go to Blockbuster to get the movie, then Chuck E Cheese, then come home for the movie. That way we can spend more time at Chuck E Cheese."

I'm ambivalent that her chronology will provide a solution to the perceived lack of time at Chuck E Cheese.

 

[Katie]

I have not been able to post for a while because things have gone a little crazy here. Both kids have been sick and so have I. Ian has been working and the sitter got sick too, so I've been pretty much on my own.

Oh yeah, and they evacuated part of my town for wild fires. Great. That was one of the most stressful days of my life.

I've been through hurricanes, blizzards and killer heat waves. This was a new one. Very strange. I had us halfway out the door a couple of times before I was calmly instructed to stay put by people who've been through it many times before.

I won't stay next time though. I've decided that - if the kids are well - I will pack them up and go someplace fun. Away from the fire and towards a beach or a zoo or an amusement park. And we'll stay the night in a hotel.

Ian can come too if he can catch us. I'm likely to be down the road before he can even pack his vitamin supplements.

I told Stephnie Weir today that I'm kind of hoping for another fire so I can evacuate myself to a fun place.

Now that I'm prepared, however, there will never be another fire in California again.

 

[Katie]

Josie was drawing chalk pictures on the patio and came up with a crazy looking woman. She said it was her new teacher. She named her "Mrs. Lemon Spinotsky." I asked her if she came up with that name herself and she said "yes".

Me: So Lemon is her first name?
Josie: Yes.
Me: And Spinotsky is her last name?
Josie: Yes.
Me: That's a great name.
Josie: And her middle name is Daisy.

As far as I know Josie's never met anyone named Mrs. Lemon Spinotsky, and she doesn't have a new teacher.

Mrs. Lemon Spinotsky.

Say it out loud.

You won't be able to stop.

 

[Katie]

Last night Josie felt a little hot when she got in bed and she took off her flannel pajama bottoms. When I went to tuck her in a little later I covered her completely in her blanket. She pulled the blanket aside.

Josie: Actually it's quite refreshing...(gestures to her bare legs) All the air.

Me: Uh...okay.

When did Louisa May Alcott body-snatch my five year old?

 

[Katie]

Josie has a little best friend named Taylor. She's a very cute little girl and she is absolutely in love with Josie. She even wants to dress like her - which is worrisome for her because Josie has declared that we are "not a matching family".

We went to a pumpkin patch the other day and the girls pulled each other around with one of the farmstand wagons. It was cute, but fraught with danger. They aren't good drivers and farmstand wagons are not the most stable vehicles.

There were areas that were decorated with scary things like skulls and coffins and spider webs and bats and spiders. One gated nook was decorated like a room in a haunted house. They even had a stuffed crow on a lampshade. But the kicker in this room was the organ. We all know haunted houses have intimidating, old organs where a lonely ghoul can play grandiose music in memory of his tragic, lost love.

Only problem was, this was a Hammond, circa. 1976. We had the same organ in our house when I was growing up. I think my parents still have it, except nobody ever plays it. Maybe my 10 year old nephew will bang on it once in a while. He's dangerous, but he's no ghoul.

They should have put an old Commodore computer in the corner with a dot matrix printer and 5.4 (or whatever size they were) floppies spread all over the desk and floor. Chilling.

Still, I'm a sucker for the season. I bought eight pumpkins. Josie wants them carved in to clowns.

Clowns.

Five year olds.

They just don't get it.

 

[Katie]

We went to the zoo yesterday. It was special because we were meeting up with Jessica St. Clair and Jason Mantzoukas who are in town from NYC. Josie happens to be crazy, over-the-moon about Jason, but there was something even more special going on.

Ian's been gone for a few weeks working on the Nascar movie that Adam McKay is directing. We've really missed him a lot. We've been doing ichat on the computer whenever we can, but Josie's really been blue without him around.

She didn't know Ian was going to meet us at the zoo. He found out he was going to be able to come home just two days ago, so we kept it a secret so he could surprise her.

Josie was at one of the direction signs at the zoo, trying to figure out if the picture represented an ape or a gorilla or a monkey when Ian walked up and stood beside her. She didn't look at him for a long time, so Jessica (Jason hadn't shown up yet) said "why don't you ask that zoo keeper next to you?" Josie looked up at Ian and froze. Ian said she had a slight look of fear on her face. Fear and confusion. And then she jumped up and down screaming "Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" They hugged and hugged. I got all sappy and teary eyed. And we caught it all on video.

And then Josie said "Daddy, guess why I'm so excited."

Ian: Why?

Josie: Because Jason's coming!

 

[Katie]

Yesterday morning:

Josie: Excuse me! This alarm is bothering me while I'm trying to sleep!

Welcome to the rest of your life, kid.