I Am the Boss of Applesauce

[Katie]

Josie had her first phone call from a friend two nights ago. They planned their band. They were both to be singers and either Ian or I was to be the drummer. No other instruments were mentioned. They really spent some time planning the decorations. Lots of pictures they were going to draw and put on the back walls. High tech stuff.

They should call themselves the Bobcats.

I was not ready for this phone call development. I had no gimmicks in my pocket to gracefully end the conversation. They would have talked all night about drawing pictures and what colors they would wear and what they would do with their hair.

Luckily Ian came home and I told Josie she had to get off the phone for him. So she told her little friend that and they said "goodbye."

Then I felt guilty because her little friend's dad is a deadbeat and not really involved and I know from her grandmother it kind of bothers the kid.

I even feel guilty for other kids' problems. Now that's borrowing trouble.

 

[Katie]

Josie was a pixie/fairy for Halloween this year. I ended up spending a lot of money on the costume because, every time I'd see something I thought would be good, I'd impulse buy it. Sparkle dust for her face and body. Sparkle spray for her hair. A flashing magic wand. A crown. The costume itself. A flesh-toned body suit so she wouldn't get cold. Sparkle shoes for her magical feet.

The sparkle dust didn't work well, so I had to buy another kind.

The sparkle spray in her hair was next to invisible and I had to use the sparkle body dust for her hair instead.

She took the flesh-toned leotard off at school because it was making her hot. It disappeared. Thankfully, it was warm last night and she didn't need it.

She refused to wear the crown because it made her head itch.

So the only thing that survived the $$ binge was the costume itself, the second round of sparkle body dust, the shoes and the wand. She did wear some pink tights, but those are basic necessities for any 5 year old girl so they were not part of the big costume buy.

At some point I decided that Declan should also have a costume so I bought him a cute little lion suit. I accidentally bought him a size smaller than I intended so I had to modify it with scissors at the last minute, making it a throw-away after only one use.

Halloween this year was like a film production. The budget kept expanding. The waste was astonishing.

Next year they're going as nudists.

 

[Katie]

More things you hear:

Josie: BURP! (pause) And now I've started puberty.

 

[Katie]

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but in my very young youth I was in love with Speed Racer. I was going to marry him. I really was. My brother tried to explain the impossibility of it, but I thought he was just thinking small.

My sister gave me a Speed Racer dvd for Christmas this year. She's a bit of a smart-ass, it seems.

Our cable has gone out so yesterday Josie asked if she could watch the dvd, which had never been opened. I told her it was dangerously addictive, but she insisted.

At first she wasn't too sure of it. Then she liked it. This morning she asked to see it before school.

Here's what she said to me this morning:

"When I get to heaven, guess what I'm going to have in my hand...the Speed Racer dvd!"

I hear ya, sister. I understand.

 

[Katie]

Josie: "Remember those rolls we had at Thanksgiving in New Jersey? They looked like maggots. I want the rolls that look like maggots."

Pillsbury crescent rolls. Buttery, flakey and reminiscent of maggots. Enjoy!

 

[Katie]

Declan decided to wake up at 12:45 last night and stay up until 3am. The hour from 2 to 3 was spent screaming and crying. No fever. No gas bubble. No congestion. No reason.

What goes on in their little heads?

He's walking around right now, smiling and "ya-ya-ya-ya-ya"-ing and it's impossible to feel anger. But it's incredibly possible to feel exhaustion.

On a brighter note, I had a parent/teacher conference with Josie's teacher yesterday and it turns out Josie's really smart. She's a motor-mouth, but she's ahead on her counting, letter sounds and she's got a good imagination. She also has a very good vocabulary. She's no Milo Delaney, but who is?

Then I went to the book fair that Scholastic Books was having at the school. There are so many ways to spend money on your child's education and this school participates in every one of them. I got Josie some books from her wish list, but the best were two books I got off the shelf that cracked me up. They're called "Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog" and "Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus" by Mo Willems. They're funny and easy to read and I recommend them for anyone wanting to get something fun for a niece, nephew, grandchild, or other such spawn.

I don't have a really good anecdote, although I'm sure there's one right in the back of my brain. It's just that my brain is not working. It seems to be on strike. Next I will see a giant, inflatable rat on my head.

Ian and I are going to try to see 'Walk the Line' today. I'll let you know how it is next time. I'm sure you'll wait to see it until you've seen my review.

 

[Katie]

"Walk the Line" is very good. "Pride and Prejudice" is also very good.

Movie review segment over.

Now the Josie reviews:

"Chicken Little is the most funniest movie I have ever sawed!"

 

[Katie]

Exchange prompted by a nose-pick.

Me: Gross.

Josie: What? I thought I had some meat in my nose.

 

[Katie]

The Christmas tree issue is tearing the family apart.

First we couldn't decide where to put it. Then we decided to put it in front of the fireplace we don't use and put some baby-gate around it. I assumed we would make a small enclosure.

I had bought a little 4 foot, pre-lit tree for another display, and we decided to use that. I suggested it because of the supposedly small enclosure.

So Ian put the baby-gate together and it was much larger. Meanwhile we had decorated the little tree and it looked pretty, but slightly absurd in it's huge area.

We asked Josie if she wanted to have it in her room and said we'd get a bigger tree for the living room. She said 'no', she liked the little one where it was. We breathed a sigh of relief and felt good about keeping the little tree in the living room.

Within 12 hours Josie had decided she actually did want the little tree in her room.

It didn't take much persuading to make us go along with Josie's new plan.

We decided we would get an artificial tree and we went to the home store. We picked one out. They didn't have any more of that particular one.

We left.

We were on our way to another home store when we passed a Christmas tree lot. We suddenly decided to get a fresh tree. We picked one out and went to pay for it. The old man at the register was the slowest thing I've ever seen. We asked about the price. $93.50!!!

We decided we would get it anyway.

We waited for the old man to finish with the other customer.

And waited.

And waited.

And decided $93.50 was an outrageous price for a dead tree.

We left to go to the home store and get the artificial tree. We found the same one we'd liked at the other store, but it didn't look as nice for some reason. We picked another one. We bought it. We got it home.

We put the base up in the enclosure and it was gigantic. Suddenly our huge baby-gate was looking a little cramped with the new tree.

We tried to put the middle section on and found it was bent. It slid on a tiny bit and would go no further. It was on just enough to be stuck. Trying to pull the pieces apart only tightened it. We were working against gravity and poorly designed product.

After fighting with the stupid thing for about 45 minutes we put it on its' side and each of us took an end and pulled.

And pulled.

And pulled.

It came apart and we put it back in the box. It will be returned tomorrow.

So now we have no tree in the living room and we still haven't decided if we're going to get a fresh tree or another artificial one (hopefully not an expensive piece of crap like the last one).

The enclosure is holding our unused Christmas tree ornaments.

Ah well. We'll pull it together and this will be one of those special Christmas memories that we laugh about for years and years.

Only problem is, it's not over yet. I really have no idea what we're going to get and what's going to happen when we try to get it.

The suspense is killing me.

 

[Katie]

We got a different fake. The one I was partial to all along. It's very bright. It has 1000 multi-colored lights on it. It's like having a firework in your living room. But we love it. Now I have to get some natural pine branches to get the smell of a real tree. Especially since I burned the microwave popcorn last night and that's all you can smell in the house now.

We went to Disneyland last Friday. It was packed. Those people ought to know better than to let their kids skip school to go to Disneyland! What's the world coming to?

It took me two days to recover. It doesn't help that Declan and I are having allergies/a cold and it's taking all the energy we thought we had. So I felt like an old lady all weekend. Creaky and slow.

Josie's class had a musical performance yesterday. Before we went she was doing her fake cry (she thinks she's fooling me) and saying "I don't want to! I'm scared! What if I make a mistake and I'll be embarrassed!" Last year she absolutely refused to do the school performance and I sat there in the auditorium watching about 50 other peoples' kids singing "holiday" songs.

She actually went through with it this time. She did just fine. I asked her if it was fun and she said "yes!" I hope she remembers that next time.

It's such an odd thing that Ian and I have a daughter with stage fright. Give one of us a little attention and we'll never get off the stage.

At Disneyland Josie volunteered and was picked for the Aladdin show. She got up in front of a theater full of people and gave them the noise for Jafar. When Jafar appeared the whole audience growled and shook their fists. She got a button for her spectacular performance.

Maybe that's it! Maybe she has to be paid.

Meanwhile Declan is enjoying the season (when he's not snotty and fevery). He would love to get to the tree, but the baby-gate is doing its job. Mostly he chews on a plastic elf and toddles back and forth across the room, yelling at the top of his lungs. Just one, joyous "yaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" It's awfully cute.

Now if I could just get an ounce of his energy for myself. I may actually try his technique and see if it helps me pull it together.

Excuse me while I toddle to the bathroom and back to the back door yelling "yaaaaaaaaaah!" If nothing else, Josie will have something to tell her classmates at school.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

 

[Katie]

Josie: I'm going to be a teacher when I grow up. And our school will be called the Penguins. No wait. The Pyramid Penguins. And our mascot will be a penguin wearing a pretend pyramid hat.

 

[Katie]

Okay, I'm going to rant.

When we moved into our new place in LA we had to buy a washer and dryer and a refridgerator. Three major appliances. We went to Sears because it seemed the convenient choice. We spent money on upper level Kenmore models because we felt we would "get what we paid for". This was back at the end of January 2005.

Now in December 2005 I am 3 for 3 on service calls. Every one of my major appliances has needed service.

This last one is the dryer. It suddenly started making a horrifying noise and is unusable. I called for service. They gave me a date a week away. Last Friday was the date of the service. Already I think that's ridiculous, but I accepted it.

Friday comes. The tech calls in sick. I'm told I have to call an 800 number and reschedule.

I call them and find I am pushed to the back of the line because THEIR tech has called in sick and they don't have any appointments any time soon.

I give them a piece of my mind. They tell me the routing office will call me the next morning to see if they can help me out.

As the next morning is drawing to a close and I've recieved no call, I call them back and give them another piece of my mind. Naturally there's nothing they can do and they sign me up for January 3rd. Let me repeat that...JANUARY 3RD!!!!!!

They send me off to the warrenty department which gets another piece of my mind. They tell me they can only put me on the 'next available' list which helps me only if another customer cancels an appointment. They say there's a good chance of such a thing. I don't believe them, but what can I do?

So here I am. I've paid good money for a dryer and I'm going to the laundromat (sp?) to dry my clothes. During the holidays with two small children.

I cannot tell you how ticked-off I am.

Remember when I told you never to buy Huffy products because they are stupid?

You can buy Huffy if you will promise me you will never, ever, ever, on pain of death, buy appliances at Sears. I'm really saving you a lot of heartache, but what I really want is to hurt them. I want to hurt them bad. So tell your friends who are buying new homes or replacing appliances in their rentals (a California tradition it seems). DON'T BUY FROM SEARS.

In fact, don't buy anything from Sears. Don't even look at them as you drive past their stores. When you get a sale paper in the mail you should shred it, or burn it, lest some unsuspecting consumer find the ad and think 'hey, I need a new fridge, maybe I'll go here.'

Rant over.

I need a drink.

 

[Katie]

So I'm at the laundromat (sp? how the heck do you spell it anyway?) and I meet a lady who is having some trouble figuring out the washers.

Lady: My washer's broken, that's why I'm doing it here and I don't know how to work the machines.

Me: My dryer's broken and I'm waiting for service so I have to dry my clothes here.

Lady: Please tell me you're not with Sears...

I wonder if an enterprising lawyer could make a class action out of this kind of thing. We purchased a service agreement, but we can't get service in a reasonable amount of time. If we go to someone other than the Sears Repair Center our purchased service agreement is null and void. Sounds like a catch 22. We're screwed.

Anyway, Josie sang a great carol today.

Josie: Deck the halls with balls of holly, fa la la la la la la la la, 'tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la, off we now our gay apparel...

Well, if we're not wearing clothes for Christmas then I guess it's okay that we don't have a dryer.

 

[Katie]

Still no working dryer. Tomorrow's my next trip to the l-mat (that spelling works for me). Last night we took two cars to the mall (for several reasons) and Ian parked in the Sears parking lot. I was very annoyed at him. I'm working on forgiving him now.

There are just so many things to do! We have to do taxes, we have to pay bills, we have to get ready for our trip (which includes laundry), we have to get ready for Christmas. It's just exhausting.

But Josie is so excited this Christmas that it's infectious. She's doing an advent calendar and being very patient about waiting for each new day to open a new door.

Declan just sits and stares at things. Lots of lights you know.

Tomorrow morning we're hoping to get Declan's picture with Santa. Josie still won't have anything to do with the old guy. She yelled a request to him about a month ago and fully expects him to get this toy for her. How would you feel if someone wouldn't actually come close to you, but yelled a request for a Magic of Pegasus Styling Head across a crowded room? You'd feel a little put out I think.

Josie said she wanted to be in the picture tomorrow, but she wants us to be in it too. I'd rather have just the kids, but if that's the only way I can get her next to Santa for a pic, I'll put on my best smile and look like I'm having the time of my life.

Oh man. I just realized that I've put Declan to bed and I'm sitting here with Baby Monet still playing on the TV. Baby Einstein is the soundtrack of our lives.

It's in my bones.

 

[Katie]

I couldn't be more exhausted. And tomorrow we start off on a rather long road trip. It was all my idea. Sometimes I am not a genius.

Great day. Josie is the perfect age for Santa. She declared it the Best Christmas Ever! It may even have rivaled the day we went to Sea World.

Tonight Ian was lying on the floor and Josie walked up to him.

Josie: Daddy, let's make a puppet show.

Ian: Not now Josie, it's only one minute until bed time.

Josie: Okay...here are your puppets.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah to everyone!:jump:

 

[Katie]

We're back. We went up to Eureka to see the giant redwoods. It rained the whole drive there (terrifying when the 101 turns to a winding ribbon of death) and while we were in that lovely part of the country there were mudslides and floods that closed all the routes south. We had to stay an extra day.

Still it was great. We visited with Ian's brother and his family (1 wife, 2 young sons). We completed a jigsaw puzzle -- except for one piece -- typical. We were visited by fairies who left notes for the kids on the stairs along with the occasional chocolate or flower from the yard.

We did have some partial nice days. We went on a hike in the redwood forest and that was beautiful. I recommend it. We went to a little hippie town called Arcata and hung out at their science museum. The museum is a made-over bank where they have hands-on exhibits in a 500 square foot room. It was the best science museum I've been to (and I've been to a few since Josie is a nut for the things).

The area is strange. A land that time forgot. Hippies live side by side with hunters and loggers. College professors mingle amongst them all. It's an oil and water mix that creates palpable tension and, at the same time, stagnation. Hard to describe.

We also lost our electricity for almost all of New Year's Eve.

I recommend the trip to anyone who has the time to drive 12-14 hours to get there. I would advise going in the late spring, summer, or early fall. I suspect the winter months are a bit wet.

Since we had to stay an extra day I had to have the kids' sitter hang out here all day waiting for the Sears repair guy.

He never showed.

She called the repair center and they said their system was down so they couldn't give her any info.

I still have no dryer.

It's been almost a month.

I. Still. Have. No. Dryer.

Clearly this will be an epic struggle. When your great grandchildren ask you what Sears was you can tell them the story of the Boss of Applesauce who took down the evil demon of corporate convenience. Tell them how they crossed her. How they didn't meet their obligations. Tell them you watched it happen. You watched the masses turn against the giant. Tell them how the giant crumbled and the frustrated women and men climbed atop the rubble and danced.

Tell them they danced like whirling angels lit from within by the flame of victory.

Tell them.

 

[Katie]

Josie has her first loose tooth. The excitement never ends around here.

She tells everybody she meets "I've got a loose toof!"

I have to admit it gives me the willies to watch it wiggle. Luckily Josie doesn't like to sit there absent-mindedly playing with it.

I had a fang once. My last baby tooth - a molar - decided to hang around even after the permanent tooth came in. The baby fang was up on the gum and I looked like a vampire.

I would lay awake at night wondering if the dentist was going to pull it out. Finally I went into the powder room and pulled and wiggled and pulled and yanked until the tooth came free. The sink was awash with blood. I felt such relief.

Of course if the dentist had pulled it out it would have been virtually painless and gore-free.

Just one of those gross, childhood memories that love to bounce around your head for the rest of your life.

 

[Katie]

Someone gave Declan a version of "The Little Engine that Could" for Christmas. It's a book with heavy, cardboard pages. This one comes with a wind-up train that you can run on tracks carved into the pages of the book. It's cute.

Josie was playing with it last night. She was running the train manually (pushing it around instead of winding it up) on the tracks. As she did she said "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can...."

Suddenly she veered the train off the tracks and said "Aaaaaaaah! I knew I couldn't! I knew I couldn't! I knew I couldn't! I knew I couldn't!"

She did that for two pages and then turned the third page, sighed and said:

"Another day of pain."

I often accuse Ian of causing wrinkles on my face because I never had laugh-lines until he and I started dating.

Josie is going to cause me to have laugh crevices instead of lines. And Declan appears to be even more silly.

They say such wrinkles are a sign of wisdom. Mine are a sign of a well-entertained life.

 

[Katie]

The dryer is fixed.

It was the spur of a huge pine cone that Josie had pocketed at school. I'm usually meticulous about going through pockets, but somehow I missed this one.

So it was all my fault in the first place.

I still hate Sears.

They are still my enemy.

I flipped them off when I drove past the store yesterday.

That'll show 'em.

 

[Katie]

Guess what I'm waiting for.

A Sears repair guy.

For my refridgerator.

I'm not kidding.