How'd I end up here?

[chelle]

A few tidbits

Day 3 of my temp assignment. And it won't be other then. We can expect to be asked back on Tuesday at least. Every day I think...another day of this? And I wonder if I can stand it. But I go in and I do my job because I do what I have to do.

The other day my uncle was over. He is seeing a woman that lives in Alabama. He was complaining about how he only gets to see her 18 times a year. I told him to get over it. It could be much worse.

I had a weird dream last night. Two boys were playing with some toys and they were being very rough. The toys came to life and killed the boys. Barney in all his purple glory led the attack.

 

[chelle]

Sigh

That's all really... just a sigh.. and not one of contentment. Now off to get ready for work.

Sigh...... :mope:

 

[chelle]

Busy weekend

I worked last night.. it was hell. Sigh. Today is the family reunion. I know that I am supposed to enjoy such things but I don't. And to go with only a couple of hours sleep just makes me dread it worse. Then home for a nap before going to work. Tomorrow we are having a cookout. At least it is not scheduled until late afternoon instead of at 11 like the reunion. So I will get a little more sleep. Then work tomorrow night. Manager is off so I get to fill his shoes. This means doing the ordering and making sure everything gets done. Sigh. I don't get paid enough. I get off work from the store at 6 am, then off to the warehouse to start an 8 hour shift. Ah well... at least I will be too busy to dwell. Oh wait.. the work at the warehouse is mindless. Oops. Guess I'll just have to make sure I think nothing but happy thoughts. Hope ya'll are having a great Labor Day weekend.

 

[chelle]

Changes

Changes are never easy. I'll miss oldlady. I'll do as Rich suggested and copy all her posts. Sometimes we need reminded.

As for my journal... well it was a place to vent. A place to whine and complain where no one would tell me to buck up that it isn't that bad. I never needed validation or reassurance. I just needed to get it out. And they weren't all complaining posts. Like Minou this method of journal keeping makes it easier to keep up with my thoughts as they rush through my brain. And they do rush and they get jumbled and then I can straighten them out and work through them. I won't go for now. That may change.

 

[chelle]

Rambling

My day started out in my favorite way. Talking to Tardis on the phone. My computer just wasn't cooperating this morning so he called me. We talked for about an hour then my cordless phone started beeping at us. This means the battery is about to go dead. I really need to get a new one. They should last longer then an hour. After we talked I tried connecting again and came and caught up

Okay okay forget everything I have just written. I got some great news just now. I decided to disconnect while making my post. The phone rang. It was the employment service. I have a new full time job. Making 2 dollars an hour more then I do at the store. I of course called Tardis immediately with the news. This could not wait until tonight. But then he went through a tunnel and I lost him. Oh well. I'll tell him more later.

Oh oh and my favorite Keith Urban song just came on the radio. "Who wouldn't want to be me". It's his latest. He is one sexy man. That blonde hair, those blue eyes. That killer smile. Oh my. And his voice...

What a wonderful day this is turning out to be. :inlove:

 

[chelle]

I wish I had someone I could talk to. Someone who would listen, provide a shoulder, some sympathy, a hug. I don't need advice, or to be told that I just have to be patient. Or that I am being stupid. Or imagining things. I know all of that, but still sometimes I just get overwhelmed with feeling. And I don't really have a word to describe that feeling. Loneliness maybe. Missing him. Frustration because of the distance and the time difference. I fight to keep from withdrawing into myself. It is difficult.

 

[chelle]

The new job is going well. My mood has stabilized again. I think maybe being on a normal schedule will help.

Thank you oldlady, minou, and gypsy for your kind pm's. They were appreciated and a help.

 

[chelle]

The wedding date has been set. May 8th.

 

[chelle]

Today, on the radio as I drove home from work, I learned that it was the 49th anniversary of the creation of TV dinners. And so ended family dinner time in so many households in America. We still gather at the dinner table most nights. Some nights we don't bother with dinner. Nights when neither my mother nor I are in the mood to cook. I will admit that the television in the kitchen is often on providing a backdrop. Tonight my daughter and I listened to a Rascall Flats concert on CMT. I like a lot of their songs. The harmony of the group is good. My favorite would be "Moving On" or maybe that is replaced now with their latest, "I Melt".

In 2 weeks my sister and her friend are taking me to a Brad Paisley concert for my birthday. It starts at 5 pm so I will have to go straight from work. Here's hoping we don't have to work late that night.

Autumn is just around the corner. I am starting to see the signs of its approach. The fields are turning brown. Soon the leaves will start to turn and fall. And then before you know it, it will be winter time again. So many people are complaining that the months are going by too quickly. I want them to speed by. And then I want time to stand still when the first part of May gets here.

The wedding is the next step in building a life with him. And the first big one. The biggest will be the final move. But I am ready. I am past ready. The gradual pace of our relationship can be accredited almost solely to the distance between us. I wish we could rush things, but I know that is not the best way to do this. But I want to be with him now. I want to be there when he comes home from work. I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake there in the mornings. The early morning phone call that woke me the other morning was nice. I look forward to more of them. But that is not the same as being with him. Nothing can come close to the feeling of being there at his side.

 

[chelle]

I'm a failure as a woman

He says I'm not, but that doesn't stop me from feeling this way. I am a good mother, I am a good daughter, I am a good worker, but as a woman I suck. I want to be all flirty and suggestive when I talk to him. Let him know what I feel and what I miss and what I want, but then I freeze up and I can't get the words out. I wish I were more open.

 

[chelle]

Expectations and perfection

I received a really nice pm from sehra in response to my last post and when I wrote the reply some things I wrote struck home. Things about expectations and trying to be other than what I am. Like in my work.

I expected to be good at this new job from the beginning. I would mentally berate myself when I didn't pick up on something right away or when I could not be as fast as the others. Which is stupid. This need for perfection was there when I took my writing courses, or in any essay or paper I had to write for other classes. I hated it if I didn't get an A. I couldn't be happy with a B. I "knew" that I could do better and I expected it of myself. I see this tendency of demanding perfection from oneself repeated in my daughters and in my niece and nephews and I wonder if it is a learned behavior or an inherited one.

I don't expect others to be more than what they are capable of being. I don't expect them to change. And I can use Tardis as an example (sorry dear). When I write to him, I write fairly long letters. I write love letters. He writes notes that he sticks into the packages that he sends me. A love letter from him would be nice, but I don't expect him to be other than who he is. And he shows his love in so many little ways. Like the surprise phone call I got this morning. It showed me he was thinking of me. And the things he sends that he knows I would find of interest. And he told me that when he goes into a bookstore now, he still looks for books for me before he looks for himself.

This perfection thing is so invasive that I have found it carried on into my journal. Instead of just letting the thoughts out as they come, I cut and I paste and I rearrange the paragraphs, trying to make what I am saying cohesive and for it to flow right, so that it won't make for disjointed reading. And I find myself thinking of what others have said about grammar and spelling and using the proper form of words and I worry that I have not done so.

I need to stop trying to be more than I am capable of being. I just think that I have this image of the perfect woman in my head and I try to acheive that image. But it is beyond me. It is time I learned to like myself the way I am. Past time.

 

[chelle]

yech

I am sick. Woke Tuesday morning with a cough, which I attributed to sleeping with the window open and the fan on. Cool night air will do that to me sometimes. By the time I got off work, the cough was no longer occasional and my throat was raw. Wednesday I could hear rattling in my chest, and my cough was even worse. Today my head is also stuffed up. I bought some nighttime cold medicine yesterday so I can sleep. Took some a bit ago, figure it won't be much longer before I cave in and go to bed. And yeah, I know it is only 6:30... I must be getting old.

Speaking of getting old... Tuesday was my father's birthday.. I almost didn't send him an email or anything since he never remembers mine, but then I decided that was immature and childish so I sent him one. Yesterday I got a reply... "Thank you for remembering my birthday. And if I should happen to forget on the 21st... Happy Birthday. Come see me."

So he had the date wrong... but it is still an improvment over no recognition at all.

On a completely unrelated note... and one that kind of echoes sehra's story... For some reason emails that Tardis sends aren't getting through.
Hopefully that will never be the case with important ones.

He is staying up late tonight so that he will be able to be online when I get up at 5. At least I hope he is still able to do so. I miss spending time with him.

Oh and Tango.. about the wedding. No presents. And no need for a tux. I am not even sure I am going to wear a dress.

 

[chelle]

Unemployed

After work this afternoon the boss called us temps around and told us the assignment was over but that our names would be put on a list to be called when they needed more help again. I was under the impression it was a month assignment with a possibility of direct hire at the end. I talked to the person at the temp agency and she said that it usually is and that the company was probably doing the quarterly "housecleaning" and that we would be called back on Monday. Here's hoping she is right. If I haven't received another assignment by the middle of the week then I guess I will try to get another gas station or grocery store job. Low pay is better then no pay.

I've been having weird dreams again. I suppose they can be attributed to the Nyquil....

The one from Thursday night I can barely recall pieces of it, but there was an abduction. I don't recall now whether it was the girl or the woman. Mother and daughter. But they were gone for a year and then returned. And the local cop, whom also has a friend in New Zealand, was in the dream... he was in charge of the investigation. And the guy that abducted whomever was abducted.. his toes were cut off. And it must have been the little girl who was abducted because I remember now she was the one that cut his toes off, with a butcher knife. And then he fell down a cliff into the water. And the little girl was rescued. But she didn't want to be called Melinda anymore... her name was Renee now.

Last night's dream was less freaky but still strange. I was in town and had picked up my daughter and a couple of her friends. We were driving across town and I got stopped at a red light on a steep hill. I was driving the car with standard transmission and I couldn't keep it from rolling back down the hill into the car behind us. Even the hand brake wouldn't stop it. The dream changed before I hit the car...we were in my daughter's apartment and I had my 2 year old nephew (of sorts) with me. And he threw up. After just having some red koolaid. I can't clean up a child's vomit.. it makes me vomit too so one of the kids had to do it.

And speaking of weird dreams and Nyquil... time to take my medicine again...

Tango... ha ha ha (cough cough cough). Laughing is expressly forbidden at this time because it makes me cough.

 

[chelle]

Patience or lack thereof

After my first daughter was born I asked about having a tubal done. I couldn't because I was not 25 and I did not have 2 children. I only wanted one, but I guess at 23 I was not old enough to know my own mind. After my second daughter was born, I did have one done. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have another child. I love babies. The smell, the cuddles. I don't mind changing diapers, I enjoy getting up in the middle of the night with them.

I told Tardis that if he wanted a child we could see about having the tubal reversed. I would be willing to have one. I have changed my mind. My sister's 2 year old stepson (sorta) spent the night last night. We still have him. I don't have the patience for toddlers anymore. I am looking forward to taking him home. I love the little tyke, really I do. But he is more then I can handle now. It may just be because I don't feel well.

I think that if I could magically skip those years I would still want another child.

I gotta go...the child is getting into stuff again....

 

[chelle]

Splurging( for me anyway)

There hasn't been money in the budget for extras for a very long time. With me out of work again (well technically I am not out of work, just between assignments) there still isn't. I haven't even spent the 3 dollars to rent a video for myself in more months then I can remember. But today I did. I figure I can replace the money I took from the budget with some of my birthday money. Cause darnit, I don't feel well, I'm bored, I'm missing Tardis, and, well, I deserve some fun. I wanted to rent How to Lose a Man in 10 Days, but I figured I better not since laughing still brings on coughing fits. Instead I got Murder By the Numbers. That should tell you how long it has been since I rented a movie. I have been wanting to see it since it first came out on video however long ago it was that it came out. I just hope it was worth the wait. Like my finally getting to see Tardis is going to be worth the wait.

I have got the air popcorn popper set up and the movie in the VCR. Just waiting now for my daughter to get home from church in case she wants to watch it with me.

Oh, and my other daughter, well I am thinking of disowning her. She promised to send some cough medicine with codeine home with her sister yesterday and she forgot. Shame on her. :tsk:

 

[chelle]

Can I just whine for a bit?

It's been a really rough morning. I've been trying to remain positive, trying not to be too hard on myself. I called the temp service this morning. They don't have anything for me. However, the woman in the office told me that since she is such good friends with my former boss at the grocery store, she took it upon herself to call him and tell him I was available again and that if he needs someone he should call me. Thank you very much. I'm sure she was just trying to be helpful, but instead she has managed to make me feel even more of a failure then I already did. I wasn't even going to tell anyone at the store that the whole warehouse thing failed. I looked stupid enough quitting a perfectly good job based on the possibility of getting better employment.

There have been so many times when I have tried to improve my lot in life and had it fail for one reason or another. I sometimes think that maybe it means I am destined to live the life I always have. A life of struggle and sacrifice.

My cold has settled into my chest and become bronchitis. No, I haven't been to a doctor, I have just had bronchitis so many times that I know what it is like. Every breath is a struggle. And all I can do now is just tough it out. It will go away in time. I know that is contributing to the depression I am feeling right now. Another contributing factor is the lack of decent sleep brought on by constantly being woken by coughing fits.

I need my man right now.

 

[chelle]

Must do this more often

I realized something tonight. Whenever I finally give in to the low and whine about it, there is a turnaround. My sickness has eased considerably. Still some chest congestion and coughing but I am much improved. And...

This morning the temp service called with another possible assignment. It is clerical this time. Doing receiving in a light industrial setting. Still casual dress, thank goodness. I know the day will come when I will have to break down and replace some of my good clothes, but I am not ready to spend that money. My interview is scheduled for 9 am tomorrow.

Today was my birthday...43. Doesn't bother me, it is just a number. I went with my sister and her friend to a Brad Paisley concert. Open air, in the middle of what were at one time corn fields. They cleared it all out for the farm progress show. Actually they may have left the fields fallow for it because the set up has been ongoing for months. I guess this is some big thing that moves from location to location every year. The concert was great. I enjoyed myself. And the people who were in charge of directing traffic afterward did a wonderful job. There were no traffic jams at all and the place was packed. Our only concern was if it was dark when the concert got over, how were we to find our way back to the car. There were no lights set up anywhere. But it didn't. The concert ended just after sunset so it was still light enough to see.

After the concert we stopped in at a local bar. I got my first beer free since it was my birthday. That worked for me. The second beer was paid for by my sister. The third by these tractor salesmen that were trying to pick us up. I ain't had a guy try to pick me up in ages. Wasn't flattered though. I hated it when I was younger and still do. Drunk salesmen. Yech. So I had 3 beers and then drove the 20 miles or so home. I was fine. The only problem I had was the usual beer problem. You know, the one where it is a mistake to go pee the first time cause then you have to go every 15 minutes? I wasn't sure I was going to make it home. :bleagh:

And okay, the beer must have had some affect cause I can't believe I just shared that. :tsk:

 

[chelle]

Embarrassment without the free dessert

I took my daughter out for a steak dinner tonight. The brat told the waitress that we were there for my birthday. The staff all gathered 'round and sang to me. I was mortified. And we didn't even get a free dessert, which I know is the main reason my daughter told them. That and we like to take turns embarrassing each other. I owe her a big one.

I didn't get the job that I interviewed for this morning. They hired someone else. And so the search continues. If I wanted to drive about an hour one way then I could get a job in a bigger town close by. I passed on that one. Don't think my '87 Nissan is up for that every day. That plus the idea of a long drive in the wintertime is not my idea of fun.

 

[chelle]

Still no job. Well, I do have a weekend job. Just the 2 days but at least that will bring in some money. I have an application for a correction officer job at the prison where my brother works. I will be sending that to work with him on Monday. I dont really relish the idea of working at a correction facility, but the pay is great and the benefits even better and I would have earned time of by the time Tardis comes in May, so I guess if I get hired I'll take it. I'll have to learn how to fire a shotgun though. Won't carry one on the job but I have to know how to use one.

I feel like such a failure. And yeah, I know that is not true. But here I sit unemployed. And I wouldn't be if I hadn't quit at the store or tried to better my situation. Like I told someone the other day, I have tried several times to improve my life circumstances and every time fate or something else pulls the rug right out from under my feet and I end up back where I started or worse off. I don't know why I keep trying.

My uncle says I am not a failure, that it was worth a shot and since that plan fell through I have to do is coming up with another plan. Easier said then done.

 

[chelle]

Back from day 1 of my weekend job. It is at a place that does packaging of CDs and DVDs for Sony. Our assignment today was to assemble the cardboard displays for Matrix Reloaded. So if you are in your local K-Mart or WalMart and you see one of the displays, it may be one that I put together. Though if it is falling apart it wouldn't be. Honest.