How'd I end up here?
- Thread starter chelle
- Start date
How can I hold on to it?
First, I want to take a moment to show support for Tango. I am not nor could ever be someone who sits in judgment of someone else.
Tango, you are my friend, and I am here for you, even if here is 8,000 miles away.
Now for my own problems. Support money gone, cupboards are bare. The money I make barely covers the expenses. For 13 years I have been fighting, and struggling, and working, doing everything I can to the best of my abilities. Fighting to hold my head above water, struggling to do all I can for my girls. And it is never enough. My hours have been cut by 6 hours a week. A pay cut of around 150 a month. Money I can't afford to lose.
My initial reaction last night was of anger born of desperation and fear. I don't understand what I have done. And then the anger faded leaving only the desperation and fear. I no longer am worried, I am scared. I don't know how much longer I can go on fighting. It suddenly seems more then I am capable of.
I try to hold on to the happiness I feel at the thought of what my future holds. But it fades to be replaced with the reality of the present. How can I hold on to the hope?
First, I want to take a moment to show support for Tango. I am not nor could ever be someone who sits in judgment of someone else.
Tango, you are my friend, and I am here for you, even if here is 8,000 miles away.
Now for my own problems. Support money gone, cupboards are bare. The money I make barely covers the expenses. For 13 years I have been fighting, and struggling, and working, doing everything I can to the best of my abilities. Fighting to hold my head above water, struggling to do all I can for my girls. And it is never enough. My hours have been cut by 6 hours a week. A pay cut of around 150 a month. Money I can't afford to lose.
My initial reaction last night was of anger born of desperation and fear. I don't understand what I have done. And then the anger faded leaving only the desperation and fear. I no longer am worried, I am scared. I don't know how much longer I can go on fighting. It suddenly seems more then I am capable of.
I try to hold on to the happiness I feel at the thought of what my future holds. But it fades to be replaced with the reality of the present. How can I hold on to the hope?
Closing Ceremony
Saturday afternoon was the closing ceremony for the academic enrichment program my daughter is involved in. The program is called Upward Bound. There are 2 phases every year, the academic phase, which runs through the school year, and the summer phase. During the academic phase she goes to the university two weekends a month for classes and for tutoring, during the summer phase she stays on campus for 6 weeks.
She won several awards. Noted scholar in English. The instructor commented on her ability to read literature analytically and her extensive vocabulary. Nothing surprising there really, like me she enjoys reading and consumes books voraciously. That is where a persons vocab can get enhanced. She also won Most Improved in her science class, which kind of surprised me as she normally does good from the beginning. It seems that at the start of the 6 weeks they were expected to prick their finger with a needle to do blood type testing and she couldn't bring herself to do it. Nor could she let anyone else do it for her. So she started out with a low grade. The last award that she had was being nominated Most Outstanding Scholar. She didn't win, but like Susan Lucci would say, being nominated is an honor in itself.
I am proud of her. I know that whatever she sets out to do after high school she will succeed in. She has a strong will and is very determined. When she sets her mind on something nothing is going to get in her way. She's going to be just fine.
Saturday afternoon was the closing ceremony for the academic enrichment program my daughter is involved in. The program is called Upward Bound. There are 2 phases every year, the academic phase, which runs through the school year, and the summer phase. During the academic phase she goes to the university two weekends a month for classes and for tutoring, during the summer phase she stays on campus for 6 weeks.
She won several awards. Noted scholar in English. The instructor commented on her ability to read literature analytically and her extensive vocabulary. Nothing surprising there really, like me she enjoys reading and consumes books voraciously. That is where a persons vocab can get enhanced. She also won Most Improved in her science class, which kind of surprised me as she normally does good from the beginning. It seems that at the start of the 6 weeks they were expected to prick their finger with a needle to do blood type testing and she couldn't bring herself to do it. Nor could she let anyone else do it for her. So she started out with a low grade. The last award that she had was being nominated Most Outstanding Scholar. She didn't win, but like Susan Lucci would say, being nominated is an honor in itself.
I am proud of her. I know that whatever she sets out to do after high school she will succeed in. She has a strong will and is very determined. When she sets her mind on something nothing is going to get in her way. She's going to be just fine.
Yawn
I am sooo sleepy but I want to get some work done around here first. So why am I posting instead of working? Could be because I am a world class procrastinator but actually it is because I am waiting for my mother to leave so that she won't feel like she needs to clean too. I am trying to do this for her.
I only worked 6 hours last night, the start of my short weeks. Yech. Oh well. Such is life. I am reconciled to it. Or at least I keep telling myself that I am. Long about 3:30 am the storms started again. They seem much more severe this year then the past few years. Lots of lightning and wind and heavy rain. I kept walking to the door and looking outside, I get somewhat nervous in storms. Downright freaked sometimes if I was to be honest. Especially if it means driving in them. So I was relieved when they stopped about 15 minutes before time for me to leave. Or so I thought they did. Long about the time I turned to head out of town for the highway the lightning started again. So I drove 20 miles with lightning the whole time. Like I told Tango, it would have been fascinating if I wasn't driving. But instead it was simply blinding. Lots of cloud to cloud lightning forking everywhere. Some cloud to ground, especially in the distance. Luckily it didn't start pouring down again.
Hmmm Mother has just left, my recreational time is over. The teenager has been fed, now if I can just get her to do some work......Wish me luck.
Actually, she is a good kid about helping. I am thankful for this. And today she will be babysitting her twin cousins all day. I owe her one.
I am sooo sleepy but I want to get some work done around here first. So why am I posting instead of working? Could be because I am a world class procrastinator but actually it is because I am waiting for my mother to leave so that she won't feel like she needs to clean too. I am trying to do this for her.
I only worked 6 hours last night, the start of my short weeks. Yech. Oh well. Such is life. I am reconciled to it. Or at least I keep telling myself that I am. Long about 3:30 am the storms started again. They seem much more severe this year then the past few years. Lots of lightning and wind and heavy rain. I kept walking to the door and looking outside, I get somewhat nervous in storms. Downright freaked sometimes if I was to be honest. Especially if it means driving in them. So I was relieved when they stopped about 15 minutes before time for me to leave. Or so I thought they did. Long about the time I turned to head out of town for the highway the lightning started again. So I drove 20 miles with lightning the whole time. Like I told Tango, it would have been fascinating if I wasn't driving. But instead it was simply blinding. Lots of cloud to cloud lightning forking everywhere. Some cloud to ground, especially in the distance. Luckily it didn't start pouring down again.
Hmmm Mother has just left, my recreational time is over. The teenager has been fed, now if I can just get her to do some work......Wish me luck.
Actually, she is a good kid about helping. I am thankful for this. And today she will be babysitting her twin cousins all day. I owe her one.
Found out last night that my ex might be getting some assistance from a local church. Food and money. Hah... Isn't it nice that he won't have to continue to go without? :exp: I told him about my hours being cut and the amount of pay lost a month. No sympathy expressed, no concern for the girls. He just made sure he told me all about how he was going without and how that church might be helping him. He makes me so fucking mad. I just want to strangle him. The girls won't even talk to him anymore. My younger daughter flat out told me that she didn't want him at the closing ceremony the other day. And he wonders why they never call. Fuck him. I wish he would just go away.
Vote time... email his father or leave well enough alone?
Vote time... email his father or leave well enough alone?
I hate waiting
I stopped by the local store again today to see about work. No change. Still a wait and see situation. Same thing at work. Waiting to see if I am going to get that transfer or not. Oh lets not forget waiting for the airline to settle my claim. That will be in a couple of weeks...hopefully. And finally waiting for the months to go by until next April when I will get to be with my sweetie again.
I miss him.
I stopped by the local store again today to see about work. No change. Still a wait and see situation. Same thing at work. Waiting to see if I am going to get that transfer or not. Oh lets not forget waiting for the airline to settle my claim. That will be in a couple of weeks...hopefully. And finally waiting for the months to go by until next April when I will get to be with my sweetie again.
I miss him.
Does he know that I cried last night while talking with him? I doubt it. I think I did a good enough job hiding the way I was feeling. All I told him is that I woke grumpy and out of sorts due to a dream I had. I have a feeling I had the dream because I was grumpy and out of sorts all day yesterday.
So what am I feeling? I feel alienated, resentful, angry, depressed. I am worried, scared, overwhelmed. I feel edgy, itchy. I want to be alone and I can't be. I want to hide and I can't. I don't want to be a responsible adult anymore and that is not and will never be an option open to me. And I guess that is a good thing, this overwhelming sense of responsibility.
I need to walk along the bays. Alone, stopping and sitting and listening to the waves beat against the rocks. Hearing the cry of the gulls. It is soothing. Maybe I will snap out of it again, after all, I managed to pretend yesterday that everything was alright. For the most part anyway.
So what am I feeling? I feel alienated, resentful, angry, depressed. I am worried, scared, overwhelmed. I feel edgy, itchy. I want to be alone and I can't be. I want to hide and I can't. I don't want to be a responsible adult anymore and that is not and will never be an option open to me. And I guess that is a good thing, this overwhelming sense of responsibility.
I need to walk along the bays. Alone, stopping and sitting and listening to the waves beat against the rocks. Hearing the cry of the gulls. It is soothing. Maybe I will snap out of it again, after all, I managed to pretend yesterday that everything was alright. For the most part anyway.
My Mom is letting me keep it.
I felt like a little kid this morning walking into the house with a stray kitten in my arms. Someone dumped her off at the store last night. That pisses me off. I put her in the bed of my coworker's pickup. He has a topper on it. And the topper has windows with a screen in it. So she was safe. She is long-haired, one of those calico cats that aren't really calico, but I can't remember what they are called. I am sure someone here will know. Anyway, the first thing I said when Mom saw her was, "I know I can't keep her..." and she said I could. We just named her Beatrice. It is from Dante's Inferno. My daughter named her. She said that Beatrice means...."The embodiment of divine love." I am taking her word for it. I haven't read Dante's Inferno yet. I have it, but haven't read it. I should. So now I have a kitten and when she curled up in my arms and started purring and then licked my finger I fell in love and my tension eased. She will be good for me. That is why I think Beatrice is the name.
I felt like a little kid this morning walking into the house with a stray kitten in my arms. Someone dumped her off at the store last night. That pisses me off. I put her in the bed of my coworker's pickup. He has a topper on it. And the topper has windows with a screen in it. So she was safe. She is long-haired, one of those calico cats that aren't really calico, but I can't remember what they are called. I am sure someone here will know. Anyway, the first thing I said when Mom saw her was, "I know I can't keep her..." and she said I could. We just named her Beatrice. It is from Dante's Inferno. My daughter named her. She said that Beatrice means...."The embodiment of divine love." I am taking her word for it. I haven't read Dante's Inferno yet. I have it, but haven't read it. I should. So now I have a kitten and when she curled up in my arms and started purring and then licked my finger I fell in love and my tension eased. She will be good for me. That is why I think Beatrice is the name.
I have been replaced
Last night when I went to bed...long about 8...Beatrice was curled up against me, purring contentedly. When I was woken by the expected phone call from Tardis at 10 or thereabouts, she was laying above my head. She stayed there through the whole conversation... eavesdropping no doubt... good thing I kept the conversation clean on my end. Though I had several temptations to change that. But I digress...
When my alarm went off at 3 am for me to meet Tardis at our usual time, she was gone from my bed. I looked for her, I found her. Curled up with my nephew. Little bubby loves her too. He is so good with her. Soft and gentle. So she loves him too. But I want my kitten back, so he is getting his own. Soon.
Last night when I went to bed...long about 8...Beatrice was curled up against me, purring contentedly. When I was woken by the expected phone call from Tardis at 10 or thereabouts, she was laying above my head. She stayed there through the whole conversation... eavesdropping no doubt... good thing I kept the conversation clean on my end. Though I had several temptations to change that. But I digress...
When my alarm went off at 3 am for me to meet Tardis at our usual time, she was gone from my bed. I looked for her, I found her. Curled up with my nephew. Little bubby loves her too. He is so good with her. Soft and gentle. So she loves him too. But I want my kitten back, so he is getting his own. Soon.
I went to my uncle's house to pick blackberries. They are thornless ones so I wasn't worried about getting pricked. So I reach down into the weeds to pull up a branch that was lying on the ground and discover that I have put my hand into some thistles. Now it is itching and swollen. Yech. I should have been more careful.
While we were there, my mother and I scoped out the location for the wedding next year. She agrees that we should stand on the veranda and have the guests below in the yard. I am anxiously awaiting next spring. I hope the lilacs are blooming.
While we were there, my mother and I scoped out the location for the wedding next year. She agrees that we should stand on the veranda and have the guests below in the yard. I am anxiously awaiting next spring. I hope the lilacs are blooming.
In my inbox
Proof that the world is nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is
t o travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who
pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason:
Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in
the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the
room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Proof that the world is nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,
but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with
a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is
t o travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who
pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason:
Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in
the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be
killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England -
but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband,
and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the
room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with
a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms
from vending machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine
only "in places where alcoholic beverages are
sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this
research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's gonna be one of those days
Well actually it started last night at work. My boss really pissed me off. But I bit my tongue like I always do. I may talk to him about it in the near future when I am not angry. When I am angry I don't always think before speaking.
I went to bed at a pretty decent time this morning. It was around 8:30. I slept good, except for a weird dream. I dreamt that in order to get that transfer at work I had to accomplish everything one of the day managers told me to do. This included running for miles. Weird.
The phone woke me at 1:54. I thought of getting up and gettin online to see Tardis off to work, but I realized that by the time I logged on he would already be gone so I didn't. Just now I checked my emails to read the one that he always sends before he goes to work. There was nothing. Funny how just a missing email can make me sad. I monopolized his day yesterday, maybe I shouldn't have.
I haven't eaten since yesterday evening. I should but I have no appetite at the moment. Maybe later.
The money worries are back in full.
Yeah, it is going to be a shitty day.
Well actually it started last night at work. My boss really pissed me off. But I bit my tongue like I always do. I may talk to him about it in the near future when I am not angry. When I am angry I don't always think before speaking.
I went to bed at a pretty decent time this morning. It was around 8:30. I slept good, except for a weird dream. I dreamt that in order to get that transfer at work I had to accomplish everything one of the day managers told me to do. This included running for miles. Weird.
The phone woke me at 1:54. I thought of getting up and gettin online to see Tardis off to work, but I realized that by the time I logged on he would already be gone so I didn't. Just now I checked my emails to read the one that he always sends before he goes to work. There was nothing. Funny how just a missing email can make me sad. I monopolized his day yesterday, maybe I shouldn't have.
I haven't eaten since yesterday evening. I should but I have no appetite at the moment. Maybe later.
The money worries are back in full.
Yeah, it is going to be a shitty day.
I had another one of those dreams that I hate. I dreamt again that Tardis and I were together and then he died. I hate those dreams. I hate the way they leave me feeling when I wake up.
About my previous post. See I talked to my father today, sorta. I asked him if he received my email about our change in wedding plans. And he said he did, then went on to ask me how I was doing. And I told him not too well. That the ex was still not working and that my hours got cut. And his reply was that he had to get back to his email. Of course that hurt.
This afternoon I talked to my sister in Iowa and went ahead and told her about it. I am glad I did. It seems my father is not as cognitive as he seems. She will be talking to him on the phone, telling him what she believes is stuff he would find interesting and then all of a sudden he will tell her that it was nice talking to her but he has things he has to get back to. She says that not everything is firing right in his brain. I have to accept that diagnosis... she is after all a psychiatrist. But she wanted me to be aware that it is not because he doesn't care. He does. I am important, the things in my life are important, but he can't seem to focus on it. So now that I know it is not just me then it won't be as traumatic when it happens all the time.
About my previous post. See I talked to my father today, sorta. I asked him if he received my email about our change in wedding plans. And he said he did, then went on to ask me how I was doing. And I told him not too well. That the ex was still not working and that my hours got cut. And his reply was that he had to get back to his email. Of course that hurt.
This afternoon I talked to my sister in Iowa and went ahead and told her about it. I am glad I did. It seems my father is not as cognitive as he seems. She will be talking to him on the phone, telling him what she believes is stuff he would find interesting and then all of a sudden he will tell her that it was nice talking to her but he has things he has to get back to. She says that not everything is firing right in his brain. I have to accept that diagnosis... she is after all a psychiatrist. But she wanted me to be aware that it is not because he doesn't care. He does. I am important, the things in my life are important, but he can't seem to focus on it. So now that I know it is not just me then it won't be as traumatic when it happens all the time.
Well I did it
I kept saying I was going to and I finally did. I have had my hair cut very very very short. Clipper short. I am going to have a pic taken tomorrow and email it to Tardis. He is in for a shock I think. I know that I am surprised every time I look in the mirror. My sister has some hair dye. Medium reddish brown. I will be getting that done also. She says with my young cut I should get rid of the gray hair.
I kept saying I was going to and I finally did. I have had my hair cut very very very short. Clipper short. I am going to have a pic taken tomorrow and email it to Tardis. He is in for a shock I think. I know that I am surprised every time I look in the mirror. My sister has some hair dye. Medium reddish brown. I will be getting that done also. She says with my young cut I should get rid of the gray hair.
Should I?
I have reached the end of my rope. I am hungry and I have been forced to quit smoking without it being my own decision. I wrote an email to my ex. I don't know if I will send it. I have to take a day to step back and be objective... or maybe I don't. Here's the email...... you decide.
Sooo I better get ready for work. Still hungry, I think I will be for several days. And maybe I shouldn't admit that here. But this is my journal and I will say whatever I fucking feel like saying.
I have reached the end of my rope. I am hungry and I have been forced to quit smoking without it being my own decision. I wrote an email to my ex. I don't know if I will send it. I have to take a day to step back and be objective... or maybe I don't. Here's the email...... you decide.
Sooo I better get ready for work. Still hungry, I think I will be for several days. And maybe I shouldn't admit that here. But this is my journal and I will say whatever I fucking feel like saying.
I am such a wuss
Tardis says to send the email. What I don't understand is why I am worried about doing so. Why do I care whether or not I make him angry? And so what if he does take off... I don't think the girls would be any worse off then they are now. But still I hesitate. I don't like confrontations. I will admit that. Just the thought of one makes me ill to my stomache. And then there is the fact that he is their father and although they are angry with him and don't really like him much anymore, do I have the right to do something that could possibly result in alienating him? I know I sound like I am wanting answers and I also know that I am the only one that can come up with them. Maybe I should just do like Tardis says and send it. GRRRRR :exp:
Tardis says to send the email. What I don't understand is why I am worried about doing so. Why do I care whether or not I make him angry? And so what if he does take off... I don't think the girls would be any worse off then they are now. But still I hesitate. I don't like confrontations. I will admit that. Just the thought of one makes me ill to my stomache. And then there is the fact that he is their father and although they are angry with him and don't really like him much anymore, do I have the right to do something that could possibly result in alienating him? I know I sound like I am wanting answers and I also know that I am the only one that can come up with them. Maybe I should just do like Tardis says and send it. GRRRRR :exp:
Email sent. Now I wait and see what his reaction is going to be. Odds are he will take off, after emailing his father and crying about what a bitch I am so that Daddy will send him money.
Thanks Gypsy for your words of encouragement. They added to my decision to send it.
And my dear sweet man... thank you for ranting. :up: :inlove:
Thanks Gypsy for your words of encouragement. They added to my decision to send it.
And my dear sweet man... thank you for ranting. :up: :inlove:
shithead exes
Well..... I did send the email and I did get a reply. I have reached the conclusion that the man is clueless. Oh wait I reached that conclusion a long time ago. I realize that other women and men have had shittier exes and husbands/wives ..my mother had one. But still I must complain. Anyway he didn't take off... darn the luck... but neither is he more actively looking for work. Today, I hit some places close by hoping to score some part-time job. Wish me luck... I can't take this too much longer. But then I said that several weeks ago and I am still hanging in there... even if it is by a thread. :bleagh:
Well..... I did send the email and I did get a reply. I have reached the conclusion that the man is clueless. Oh wait I reached that conclusion a long time ago. I realize that other women and men have had shittier exes and husbands/wives ..my mother had one. But still I must complain. Anyway he didn't take off... darn the luck... but neither is he more actively looking for work. Today, I hit some places close by hoping to score some part-time job. Wish me luck... I can't take this too much longer. But then I said that several weeks ago and I am still hanging in there... even if it is by a thread. :bleagh:
I could be mean....
But I am controlling myself. I am dogsitting for my cousin this weekend. A cute little apricot colored Pomeranian. Named Tango. Oh the posts I could make.
My nephew was worried before they brought the dog over. "What if he eats Beatrice?", he asked. I told him that dogs don't really eat cats. "But what if they fight?" "Not all cats and dogs fight either, Bubba.", I said reassuringly. And I was right. They didn't fight.
Oh Beatrice did the obligatory back arching hissing thing. Tango ran into the other room. Beatrice followed. She decided she had to check this new creature out. She would get close, he would back off. But soon they were lying together on the floor and later they were playing together.
My cousin didn't bring any food for Tango. Seems they just feed him table scraps. I don't approve of that, so I went out and got a bag of dog food. It may come in handy. My cousin also has a Sheltie. Well, it is actually his ex's dog. She left it behind when she moved out. As well as their daughter. Bitch. Anyway, he doesn't want it. My mom is considering taking it. That would be cool. The dog has had all it's shots. Not fixed, but when they tried breeding it, it wouldn't take. Maybe she can't have babies?
But I am controlling myself. I am dogsitting for my cousin this weekend. A cute little apricot colored Pomeranian. Named Tango. Oh the posts I could make.
My nephew was worried before they brought the dog over. "What if he eats Beatrice?", he asked. I told him that dogs don't really eat cats. "But what if they fight?" "Not all cats and dogs fight either, Bubba.", I said reassuringly. And I was right. They didn't fight.
Oh Beatrice did the obligatory back arching hissing thing. Tango ran into the other room. Beatrice followed. She decided she had to check this new creature out. She would get close, he would back off. But soon they were lying together on the floor and later they were playing together.
My cousin didn't bring any food for Tango. Seems they just feed him table scraps. I don't approve of that, so I went out and got a bag of dog food. It may come in handy. My cousin also has a Sheltie. Well, it is actually his ex's dog. She left it behind when she moved out. As well as their daughter. Bitch. Anyway, he doesn't want it. My mom is considering taking it. That would be cool. The dog has had all it's shots. Not fixed, but when they tried breeding it, it wouldn't take. Maybe she can't have babies?