How'd I end up here?

[chelle]

I'm going to try to do this without coming across as whining and complaining because that is not what I am doing. I am trying to come to grips with some of the emotions I have been feeling these past few days, the ups and the downs.

Okay, I know he loves me, I know that he wants us to be together. I am not neglected. He spends as much time with me as he possibly can. Actually, I feel like I am being too demanding of his time, that he is not going out and doing things because he knows that I want to spend time together. So why have I been feeling neglected? That is the question that I need to answer. And I think I have answered it in my head. I am feeling neglected because I am not getting what I need. I am spending time with him, good quality time, but it is not the sort of time that I want to spend. I want to lie down beside him every night and wake with him every morning. I want to sit down to dinner with him, wash dishes with him, do those every weekend chores with him. I miss having to pay that toll every time he opens the van door for me. I miss the feel of him holding me while I drift off to sleep. The everyday, the mundane. But knowing what is causing me to feel this way won't stop me from doing so. I know that. Just as I know that one day we will be together for the rest of our lives. Or I am able to convince myself of that most of the time.

 

[chelle]

There is the possibility that I may be going back to New Zealand with him in May. Now don't none of you get excited. It is only a possibility. The money is there for the plane ticket, but there are still questions that need answered and things that need done.

I will have to have a medical exam and x-rays and other assorted tests done before I can apply for the work permit. I have no insurance...

I have to send off for a police certificate to the FBI before I can apply for the work permit. Not worried there, my record is completely clean. Just a hassle, the fingerprinting. Looks like the fee is 18 dollars. I don't know how much the local cops will charge to fingerprint me.

I need to talk to the Embassy guy and see if my work permit can be under the family category or the skills category. If it is skills, then having that bachelor degree would have been nice. I don't think my associate degree counts.

I have started working days... now how am I supposed to get things done working days?

I have 3 months. It will be next week before I can call the embassy guy. I also have to wait for my tax refund so that I can pay for my ticket (oh please let there still be seats available, and let us be able to get connecting seats), pay for the tests, pay to send off for the police report. I wonder how long it takes to get that back.

 

[chelle]

oh and...

I can't believe what I left off my last post...if I go back in May my daughter will more then likely not be able to go back with me. Actually it is looking like she won't be able to at all. She will have to join me after she gets her degree. Meanwhile she can always fly out on her Christmas breaks, have a nice holiday in the sun. Now if I can just get over my worry of her going through LA alone......

 

[chelle]

Sehra... glad you are on the mend. Reading of your experience has only reinforced my decision to never attempt skiing. I have had my own little experience with fun in the snow, though it was nowhere near as hair raising as yours. Mine was actually just fun. I will call it:

Me vs the fairly good sized hill.

The hill is behind my neighbor's house, not too steep but long. Perfect for sledding for small children and old people. So I took my nephew over yesterday to let him slide on his snow saucer. My daughter came with us. The neighbors were out with their granddaughter sledding also. They went back inside after a while and left their saucers outside so that the kids wouldn't have to share. And so that I would have one should I decide I wasn't too old for such stuff. I watched the kids for a while then decided that I would have to give it a go also. I haven't had so much fun in ages. I don't think I have been sledding since I was a kid. I laughed and squealed. We weren't out long, maybe 20 minutes as it was so cold, but I promised my nephew I would take him out again the next day. And I did.

This time the three of us had to share the one saucer, but there was no bickering. I think my nephew liked pushing me or my daughter almost as much as he liked sledding himself. then I decided to try something else that I hadn't done since I was a kid. I laid down at the top of the hill and log rolled down. Oh now that was fun. A bit cold when some snow made its way under my coat and sweatshirt. I came to a stop at the bottom of the hill and laid there, winded, while the sky spun in circles above me. And then I heard screams of laughter and saw my nephew doing the same. And my daughter not far behind him. She was the best log roller of all. Anyway, there we all were, covered in snow, laughing our fool heads off. Good thing we all put sweatpants on over our jeans.

Not exciting, but fun. My last winter probably, about time I enjoyed something of it. I know I haven't been enjoying the drive to and from work. Made an error in judgement Saturday morning and took the back road. It was a thick solid sheet of ice. I maintained a nice steady safe speed, made it to work with no problems. I took it back home on purpose. Figured it I did it once I could do it again.

So that has been my weekend, work and fun in the snow. I can almost see the attraction in winter sports. Almost.

 

[chelle]

I was going to write a nice long post but I find I am too sleepy to do so. Instead I will post just one thing that I planned on tonight and do the rest another time.

It is funny how moods can change so rapidly. On the way to work this morning, the sun was shining and I was thinking how much easier the separation will be knowing that at the end of three months we will start our life together. But then at work I found myself missing him as much as I always do. So I guess there will still be moments that end up lasting hours.....

 

[chelle]

so...I have been in contact with the embassy guy. all questions answered all systems go. though there was a moment of panic when I found out that an open end return ticket would cost me 5,600 dollars. you see, the embassy guy told me that was what I had to have.. a return ticket and that I shouldn't set a return date. turns out that I can buy a 3 month return ticket and then just not use it. It is only 300 dollars more then a one way ticket. I would much rather forfeit 300 dollars then wait another year before joining him.

Sugar-snit... I hope you get to feeling better soon. the emotions you have been feeling comes from the illness, the chance to make up will come when you are feeling better.

gypsy... sorry about the interview... chin up girl.. you're strong.

deb... being a single parent is the hardest job in the world. we have to make sacrifices that we don't want to make. we have to do things that make our children unhappy but in the long run will be worth it. zoe will grow up strong and independent and with the desire to be just like her mother. a woman who does what needs to be done and can feel the pain of doing it. to be strong does not require being heartless. I hope that reads the way I intended it to read.

 

[chelle]

I want to take this opportunity to thank...

Whomever came up with the idea for Starbucks Coffee ice cream. Java Chip. Just what the doctor ordered. Somewhat costly, but it was on sale and I can only eat a few spoonfuls in one sitting so it will last forever and not be too hard on my diet.

 

[chelle]

I received 2 secret Valentines. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I wish I had known about it, I would have sent a few out myself.


Happy Valentine's Day everyone.

 

[chelle]

Last night at about 11:30, Joey, the pup, started in barking and growling. I got out of bed, sure that I would find that it was just the neighbors returning home late, but their security light was not on so I knew it was not them. I put the lead on Joey, and just like those people in horror movies, I took him outside to investigate and show him that there was nothing wrong. As soon as we got outside, he started growling even more and strained for the garage. There is a wooded area behind the garage, not thick but still dark. I wasted no time in going straight back inside, locking the door, and calling the town cop to have him come check the yard. The cop didn't find anything, he was sure that it was just a fox or coyote that had Joey upset. There have been spottings of animals in the area. We may live in town but it is a very rural area. I saw a fox myself one day in our backyard. They are beautiful creatures. Anyway, the cop made a fuss over Joey, told me he was a very pretty dog and very smart and told Joey that he was a good boy for doing his job. I am proud of my puppy.

 

[chelle]

public confession of idiotness

I was driving home from work this afternoon on the back roads when my car started to sputter. My first thought was that something was wrong with it. But then I looked at the gas gauge and realized that I had completely spaced getting gas. I thought of it last night but today I spaced again. So which do you think is worse, knowing you need gas and convincing yourself that you have enough to get where you are going and then running out, or completely spacing? I am such an idiot.

 

[chelle]

Its been a hellacious day. My emotions are completely haywire. Happy, sad, irritable, even tempered. Up and down and back and forth. I fucking hate PMS.

I was supposed to go pick up my older daughter tomorrow and deal with her stuff but right now I am thinking fuck it and fuck her. She pisses me off. She didn't go through with what she was supposed to do so why should I bother. I guess I bother because she is my daughter and I do love her. Though sometimes I feel like taking her by the shoulders and giving her a good hard shake. Funny how the daughter who hated her father the most has now started following in his footsteps.

Nothing pisses me off more then being the only one to do and to try. The only one who searches for answers and solutions. Who does the calling and the planning. The one who has to bear all the weight. Just once I would like to lean a little and let someone else do it. I would like to be the person being taken care of.

When the girls were little and their father and I were still together it was the same way. I took care of them, I paid the bills, I did the cooking and the cleaning. I did the yard. I hated it and I resented him for it. The only light in my world were my little girls. I would do anything for them, still will.

Right now I could use a stiff drink, a cuddle with the one I love, and a good nights sleep. Guess I'll have to settle for the sleep. I sure as hell won't get the other 2.

 

[chelle]

I'm learning something...

To learn of something that upsets someone you care about in a journal instead of being told is not good. I've got to think about that...

 

[chelle]

After thinking about it I have decided that I was over reacting. I was tired from lack of sleep, PMSing, and upset about some dreams that I had. Joey may be ferocious when there is a prowling animal or someone is trying to get in as my sister did this morning, but when it comes to howling wind he is a big baby. It is obvious that I am not totally off my emotional roller coaster. I was watching Land Before Time with my nephew and it made me cry.

And today at work one of the drs we answer phones for made me cry. He talked to me like I was an idiot, dirt beneath his feet. he was very mean and nasty. I have it recorded. it would be nice to think that my boss would call him on it but I have a feeling that because he is a client it will be ignored. I would like to think that my boss would not tolerate his employees being treated that way. past experience has taught me otherwise. I like to think that if I had not been in an emotionally fragile state he would have only pissed me off. I'd like to just think instead of only feeling.

I am tired of this roller coaster and want to get off, but I don't see it happening anytime soon. I think it has slowed down and then I realize I was only climbing the hill and now am heading down hill picking up speed rapidly.

 

[chelle]

Last night I admitted to him that I cried while watching Land Before Time and Shrek with my nephew. I followed that with, "pretty pathetic huh?" his reply:


You should know by now that I love you, and am quite happy for you to be you, tears and all

We talked about the wedding tonight, my daughter wants to sing, I am not sure I will let her. Not because she doesn't have a beautiful voice, because she does. Instead it is because I am not sure that it is appropriate or if it fits or if it is the acceptable thing to do. I worry about doing something wrong.

When he said goodnight to get offline to go watch the news as he does every night that we manage to meet, I felt a nearly overwhelming urge to cry out,

"Don't leave me!!!"

Yeah... pathetic is an apt description.

 

[chelle]

Bambooki's post about the bat has reminded me of my experience with a bat. I thought I would take the time to share before going to bed. Hopefully not to dream about them.

I was 8 when it happened. My brothers, my mother, and I were living with my great-grandfather, not far from where I live now. The boys and I had bedrooms upstairs, their's was the main room, mine off of theirs. I was still afraid of the dark then I would sleep with the overhead light on. One night I woke up and saw a shadow, looking up I saw a bat circling the light bulb. I screamed for my mother and then covering my head went running for the stairs. My brothers weren't far behind me. I told Mom what I saw and she went for my uncle who lived just up the block from us. By the time he came back the bat was missing in action. It was decided that it had gotten back out the same way it came in. Mom tucked me into her bed and the boys went back upstairs.

A couple of days went by and we soon forgot about the bat. Then one evening we were watching television. Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. (side note, the house was old, there was no indoor bathroom, we used an outhouse and took baths in a big metal tub in the enclosed backporch). It just so happened that it was bath night also and my older brother, he was 10 at the time, was taking his bath.

So there I was, lying on the living room floor with my younger brother, my mother and grandfather sitting in chairs. I was of course scared watching the movie, nothing like those old movies, and yet I was enthralled at the same time. Then it happened. The bat came flying out of the cubbyhole storage area. Us kids jumped up and took off running out of the house, screaming "the bat's back" as we raced through the back porch. My brother jumped out of the tub, threw a towel over his head (remember the the belief that bats can get caught in your hair?) and raced after us. We tore off across the yard and down the road to our uncle's. I don't think my feet touched the ground. Uncle D went back and managed to kill the bat with a broom. That was before they were endangered species and it was illegal to kill them.

So that is my bat story. I have to admit, if I woke in the night to see a bat flying around my bedroom now, I would react in much the same way.

 

[chelle]

I have just spent about an hour going over the paper my sister's boyfriend wrote for his Rhetoric class. There were a lot of typos, and misspellings but overall it was written fairly well. Had a nice flow to it and didn't need many changes. I even was nice enough to fix the errors for him before emailing it back. Okay so actually I did it because I didn't want to have to go over all of them with him and I didn't trust him to decipher all my marks and such. I think that I would have liked being an editor or proofreader. I find enjoyment in going over someone else's work almost as much as I enjoyed writing when I was still able to do so.

Anyway, going over his work has inspired me to pull out my portfolio and read over some of my stuff. And I thought maybe I would share one of them.

A MOTHER'S GUILT​

I had called home this evening, just as I have done every evening for the past few years, to find out how my daughters' day had gone. J, my 10 year old, was in tears. It seemed that her boyfriend had broken up with her. She needed my comfort and my counsel to make it through this latest crisis. I offered the stock words of comfort that every young girl needs to hear at a time like this, "There will be other boyfriends, sweetie. You have a lot of years ahead of you." And the other old standby, "Ain't no boy that is worth crying over." Poor grammar, but the sentiment is real. I told her to put her sister on the phone, intending to offer words of advice that she would need to help Jamie through this. Surprise! P's, boyfriend had picked the same day to break up with her. I thought to myself, "What is this, national dump your girlfriend day?", then proceeded to offer the same advice to her that I had given to her sister.​

Unbeknownst to my girls, this conversation had reopened a issue that I had been grappling with for days. GUILT! My girls needed me and I couldn't be there for them because I had a class to go to. How many times has this happened? How many more times will it happen? If I don't have a class, I have to work. I have missed concerts, award ceremonies, PTO meetings, church programs. What kind of mother am I? What do their friends' mothers think of me? Their teachers? The minister of the church they go to? I worry that my girls resent the fact that I am always unavailable for the times they need me or the important occasions in their lives. Do they understand that all I do I do for them?​

I headed for class, still worrying, still feeling guilty. I couldn't concentrate. I kept hearing J sobbing broken-heartedly into the phone. My babies needed me! There was no way that I was going to be able to sit through a 3 hour lecture, so when the instructor let us go for a fifteen minute break, I told her that I had to go home.​

The thirty-minute drive dragged out for what seemed an eternity. I thought that I would never get home. Finally, I turned into the drive. I was surprised that the door did not fly open, discharging two crying children. This only served to compound the anguish I was feeling. Poor girls; they're so upset they didn't realize that I had come home. I flew out of the car and into the house. Silence greeted me, broken only by the sound of cartoons on the television. The crisis had ended. I was no longer needed.​

The girls were surprised to see me. "Didn't you have a class? they asked.​

"Well, yes," I replied. "But you girls were so upset that I simply had to come home."​

"Mother," J sighed, "How are you supposed to learn how to be a teacher if you don't go to class? We're big girls now, not babies."​

Yeah," P agreed. "It's important for you to get your education so that we will be able to go to college too."​

At that moment I realized that they did understand. At least as much as they could. That doesn't mean that I won't feel guilty the next time there is a concert and I can't attend. I simply will have to remind myself that they do know that I have my reasons and they understand why I can't be there. As far as what other people think of me? Well, that's not important.​

 

[chelle]

Okay I've got time to kill....

here's another one....

I may regret posting this but here it is anyway.

IT'S TIME​

You put it behind you,​

locked away in the darkest recesses of your mind.​

Never pulled out,​

never thought about.​

Then something happens​

it all rushes back...​

the smell of fear,​

the sound of your muffled screams.​

He holds your arms,​

so you can't struggle.​

A new sound,​

tearing fabric.​

Oh God, please make it stop.​

Pain erupts,​

innocence lost,​

never to be regained.​

You thought you knew him,​

thought you could trust him.​

He says no one will believe you;​

that they'll say you're lying.​

It's a chance you'll have to take.​

He must be stopped​

From hurting another.​

It's time.​

 

[chelle]

rough draft

I don't have a title for this yet and it needs to be gone over. I don't know as if I would be the one that is most qualified to go over it. I feel it too much to be impartial to my words. Mostly I just sat tonight and started writing. I'm being encouraged to write by 2 people whose opinions mean a lot to me. Thank you both.

It was too soon

 

[chelle]

from 2000

It was a beautiful October day. I woke up early enough to see the morning start. I took my cup of coffee outside to the patio and sat and stared at the woods. In the barn I could hear the hooting of an owl, and after a short wait I saw the deer walk out of the woods to take a drink in our pond. It was not long after that the sun rose over the tree tops and bathed me in it's comparative warmth. The trees had started changing colors and the sun brought out the vibrancy of the oranges and reds. The sky was a clear, bright blue without the haze of the summer lying like a soggy blanket in the air.

After the deer were gone, I rose and went into the house to get dressed for my day. As I went out to get in my car, something stopped me. I had this uncontrollable urge to go for a walk in our woods. I wanted to shuffle my feet in the fallen leaves and hear that satisfying crinkle sound they make. I wanted to go into the cornfield where my landlord had made his annual maze and see if I could get lost forever. Of course I didn't. The sense of responsibility has been too deeply ingrained in me. Instead I opened the car door and began the long drive to school. I think I may have made the wrong decision.

 

[chelle]

why push away when I need to be reaching out? I don't make any sense some times. I call him, wanting to talk to him, to hear his voice, and then I get all quiet and withdrawn.

I miss him, I long to see his face. I ache to feel his touch. I know, only 2 months left to wait, its not like I haven't been told that before. But I hate my job, I am so totally dissatisfied with my life. I haven't been able to spend a good block of time with him all week. I hate to admit that I get resentful of all the demands that life puts on me day in and day out.