How'd I end up here?

[chelle]

Why? Is it my fault?

She didn't do it. All she had to do was fill out some papers and turn them in and she didn't do it. She didn't apply for the student loan, she didn't file her appeal. Part of me blames myself. For believing she would do it. I should have stayed in town another hour and watched her fill them out and took her to turn them in. I shouldn't have believed her when she said she would do it. So no school, no money to pay off her debt. You know, if someone expected me to do something then I am more likely to do it. Because I don't like letting other people down. She wants to be totally independent. Well now she is. She has seen to that. She said that when you do something for someone because they expect it you are just doing it out of guilt. Not guilt. Love. Love and selflessness.

Needless to say I am upset. Hurt, disappointed. Angry with myself. Not angry with her. I know I should be. And maybe when I get past the hurt and disappointment I will feel the anger. If I can feel anything at all.

 

[chelle]

It's starting again. I was already in a bad mood when I woke up this morning. This is what I have been reduced to. This is what I have done to myself by trying to better my life. Instead I have made it worse. I need to fix it. My day today will be spent babysitting. My neice and nephew for 7 hours, then drive for 30 minutes and babysit my cousin's 4 children for another 7 hours. I'll dump the neice and nephew off on my daughter and go job hunting. 2 days before Christmas.. maybe I'll get lucky.

 

[chelle]

Sometimes a song can fit in so well with how we feel. Driving home earlier Creed's One Last Breath came on the radio and I realized that that was how I feel.

 

[chelle]

I survived my day with children. My cousin's children were so much better behaved then I was led to believe they would be. Of course I think it helped that I took a movie with me for them to watch. I thought for sure that the baby would cry because he is a mama's boy and in the past when I have been around them he would every time she left his sight. But he didn't. I spent most of the evening in her huge rocking recliner holding him and rocking. Babies are so sweet. The ages of the children are 11, 9, 6, and just over a year old. I will be watching them again on Friday.

Stopped at a gas station on the way there. They are hiring. I picked up an application and will turn it in in the morning. I have tons of experience and being unemployed can start anytime. As they really need someone maybe I can get a job. Not where I really wanted to work but I have to have something.

 

[chelle]

One of my Christmas presents was the new Josh Groban cd. I like this song:


"When You Say You Love Me"

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.

 

[chelle]

I told him tonight that sometimes I wish we could just say to hell with the consequences and just do it. That I could just pack a bag and hitch a ride to the airport and go to him and then we could start our life together. His response was that sometimes that is the best way. But he can't see how we can do that. I know I don't have the money for a ticket. NOt for several months anyway. I guess we could wait a few months before saying to hell with all the consequences. I guess.

Oh and sometimes I wish that it was easier for me to ask for what I want. Or to tell someone what I want.

 

[chelle]

I'm thinking of leaving... I wonder if they will miss me when I am gone. If I do it it will be tonight. When my daughter is sleeping. I don't know where I will go, but I know I can't stay here any longer. There is nothing for me here anymore.

 

[chelle]

I'm staying. I have no other option really. There is no one who would be willing to take me in. However, I may not be posting again for a while. The focus has gone out on my monitor. I was told what to do and I am going to try. I just don't know if I will succeed. So if the posts stop then it is because of my monitor, not because I did something stupid, as tempting as I might find that sometimes.

 

[chelle]

My daughter rented a movie tonight that we had been wanting to see. We didn't know what it was about, only that Sean Connery was in it and there was violence. Two very good reasons for watching. The movie was The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. The characters were all from different literary sources.

Dorian Gray
Alan Quartermain
Mina Harker
Captian Nemo
Ishmael
Rodney Skinner (The Invisible Man)
Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde
James Moriarity

My daughter didn't recognize the name Dorian Gray, so I told her about the novel. I think it was by Oscar Wilde. I remember reading it years ago. The name Mina Harker didn't sound familiar to me, but my daughter recognized it. She has read Bram Stoker's Dracula numerous times. Rodney Skinner was not the name of the character in H.G. Wells' novel, but was a thief who stole the formula. The rest were obvious to us both.

The movie was what movies like that are supposed to be... entertaining. I doubt I will watch it again any time soon but it served a purpose.

 

[chelle]

I got a job. You could say I walked right into it. The place was not advertising help needed but I knew that I was qualified and I have been reduced to just applying at random places. So I walked into the office and asked if they were accepting resumes, and she said yes. Looked mine over, had me take a typing test... 64 wpm... then she handed me an application to fill out. After I accomplished that she proceeded to quiz me on what hours I could work. They are an answering service/clerical service and are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I told her I was very flexible. She then told me that she had been planning on putting an ad in Sunday's paper as they were losing a couple of people at the start of the year, but that she was going to cancel it and all she needed to do now was figure out when to get me in for training. She had hired someone yesterday also. Coincidence or fate? What possessed me to decide to apply there. And made me determined that it had to be today? I was supposed to be heading south to file unemployment but felt it important that I not delay a day in turning in my resume so I headed north first. If that ad had gone in the paper, I would have seen it and I would have applied but I would have been facing some tough competition.

 

[chelle]

stopping with the defeatest attitude disguised as facing reality.

 

[chelle]

Right now I hate myself

I'm putting weight back on. I hate it and I hate myself for my lack of control. I had, no, I have an eating disorder. Not the anorexic/bulimic sort, but the compulsive eater sort. I eat when I am bored, depressed, angry. The emotion doesn't matter the result is the same. Not working for 3 weeks gave me ample opportunity to indulge my disorder. Maybe indulge is not the right word, but I can't come up with it right now. Anyway, I have been feeling those ranges of emotions and dealing with them in my old manner. My old comfortable manner. I am not as bad as I used to be, not yet. I hope I can keep from getting there. Back when the girls were little and I was an Air Force wife, and we were stationed in Arkansas I was not happy. I loved taking care of my girls. They were my only joy in those days. But the evenings after they were tucked in bed were so long. And I filled them with food.

As for now, i'll admit that not smoking has added to the problem. For so many years now I have turned to cigarettes to calm the emotions instead of turning to food. I can't do that now. I made a promise. I gave my word. There is no going back. I would disappoint my daughter too much. Tardis also. So what I need to do is find some other way of dealing with this. I look at myself and I hate the way I look and the way I feel. I vow to change my eating habits but then I fall right back into the old pattern. Many would say that I need to substitute what I eat when I am bingeing. And maybe that would help some but it wouldn't get rid of the underlying disorder. Medication might help, staying busy might help, but I sit down to read a book and I find myself reaching for food since I can't reach for those cigarettes. Is it more then the boredom? Could it be some kind of oral gratification thing or just habit? I don't want to be grossly overweight again.

 

[chelle]

Pup post

I'm teaching Joey (the pup) a new trick. It is a difficult one for him. I have him lie down, then I show him I have 2 doggie biscuits. I hold one in each hand, and tell him to stay. Then I try to put one biscuit on his paw. I have to pull it back several times, telling him to stay. Then finally he lets me put it on his paw and I tell him "okay" and he eats it. He gets the second treat without having to do a trick. I figure it is only right since it is such a difficult one. Tonight it took less time to get him to do it. I figure another couple of times and he will know what is expected as soon as he sees the 2 biscuits. I like teaching him tricks. I want to teach him to roll over or play dead, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

I discovered that he really likes having his back and shoulder area scratched. (Do dogs have shoulders?). He sits very still on my lap with his back to me. Tonight I sat down on the floor and he came over and sat down with his back to me asking to be scratched.

I have been taking him outside without his lead for several days now. Yesterday he romped in the woods behind the house while we were out cutting down dead trees. I had a slight panic moment when he realized that what was burning was sticks. Luckily he came away from the fire when I told him to. Anyway, I am not going to let him out without the lead anymore. Today he went in the neighbor's yard and didn't come when I first called him. It took a couple of minutes. And he found part of a dead squirrel in their yard. It's in our yard now. I am so glad that he dropped it when I told him to, I wouldn't have liked having to take it away from him. Yech

Oh yeah and he knows some words and phrases now, "come here", "quit it", "drop it", "time for bed", "doggie biscuit", and "water".

 

[chelle]

The want and the need for him is very strong in me today. In 17 weeks I will be his wife. Sometimes that seems like an easily managed amount of time. Others it seems an eternity.

 

[chelle]

The new job is going well. Nothing much to say about it, just answering phones. But lots of them.

Today I filled in at the temp service. Just answering the phone. Had plenty of time to thumb through magazines. They said that they will be training me on the rest of the job. Doing intakes and such. It will be good work experience. I am only able to do it if my schedule at the regular job allows. Oh well, they can pay me to be bored... I won't complain.

 

[chelle]

I want to go home. I want to be able to see him every morning and every night. I want the opportunity to have daily interactions with him. I was talking to my mother this morning. I mentioned that I didn't know why he was even bothering coming up here in the spring. I won't be able to spend chunks of time with him. He is going to be left to his own devices most of the time. And this backwater hick one horse town in this oh so rural area is boring. Nothing to do, no bays to wander or bookstores to poke around in. Well I didn't say all of that, just the first, it is my own mood that has added the rest. Anyway she said that they never INTENDED to meet him anyway. INTENDED not EXPECTED. Does this mean they don't want to? I know my girls do. I have to wonder if anyone else does. I thought family wanted to meet prospective spouses.

Sometimes I think that I should just take off when my tax return comes.

 

[chelle]

Minou is not the only one having difficulty maintaining a positive attitude. I'm cold, bored, feeling blue, missing Tardis. I'm gonna chalk this up to PMS. Well, all but the missing him, that is a daily thing. Anyway, the PMS excuse should be good for a few more days anyway. Early bedtime tonight. I think that is the best.

 

[chelle]

I was told today that I was good at my job. It was by a complete stranger, an advertising salesman that was calling some of the companies that we answer phones for. It was the third time I had taken a message from him for a company, when he finally realized that my name is not a common enough one for more then one receptionist to have. He told me that I fooled him completely, and that I was very good and very professional. Validation is good in any form.

 

[chelle]

Listening to that little voice

Winter has finally hit. We have had either snow or freezing rain for the past couple of days. I think the snow is tapering off now, but they are forecasting gusty winds tonight so I will be driving home from work in blowing drifting snow. Lovely, I don't think I have ever done that before. I'm worried about it, 20 miles on country roads, 9 pm at night. There won't be much other traffic which is good in the respect that I won't have to worry about anyone else but me, but bad in the respect that should I get stuck in a drift or go off the road because of the poor visibility it could be a long time before someone comes along. But I am borrowing trouble. And speaking of borrowing trouble, I am going to go ahead and post about what I have been feeling these past few days. I've told Tardis so I won't be surprising him.

I feel bad about hitting him with all of this first thing in his morning, I told him so also, told him that maybe I should have buried it back down. Or maybe let him find out from my journal.

I am feeling worried about the future again. If it will happen. I'm not worried about us, but I am worried that the applications will be turned down. We have to be living together in a stable relationship before my application for residency will be considered. I can't stay that long without a work permit and I worry that I won't get one. And what if I can't get a work permit? I can't stay for 12 months without one and he sure as hell can't afford to support me for those 12 months even if I could. I know that it is too much of a drain on him. His reply to all this was that there is only one way to find out and he is willing to try. It is not that I am unwilling to try, I am afraid of how I will feel if it all falls through. But I guess it is better to try and fail then to give up completely on us. I'm just scared. Sometimes I think that maybe it would be best to put the wedding on hold, go back to school, get my teaching degree. Then I could go, but I would also be further in debt and this may very well be the last year that I get a decent tax return. One big enough to take care of things around here and still have the money for traveling. While part of me thinks that, the other part of me doesn't want to face another 2 years apart, me living with my mother, wondering if the day will come when he wakes up and realizes that I am not worth it.

So we try, but still that little voice in my head keeps asking me "I wonder how he will feel being married to a woman that he may never see or hold again?"

 

[chelle]

two weeks ago my uncle had a heart attack. they discovered 2 blockages, one 95% the other 65%. the cleared the larger one then, and were to do the other in a couple of weeks. the night of the 28th I had a phone call at 2 am. It was his daughter, he was showing online but not responding when she im'd him so she asked me to go and check on him. I pulled my coat on over my pajamas, pulled a stocking cap over my head and put my gloves on and headed out into the cold night. I didn't even take the time to warm my car. He was fine, just hadn't received her messages. He felt bad because she had called but I would rather be woke and have to go out in the cold then to find out the next morning that he wasn't okay. today at work I received a voice mail from my mother, he was having chest pains and they were taking him to the hospital. he's fine, there was a possibility that they would open the second block while he was there. anyway they are on their way home, either they can do that as an outpatient or they decided to wait.

it is very cold in the house, the temps are falling way below freezing at night and the space heaters are not up to the job. besides which I don't have a heater in my room. which is where I am right now. shivering, but not willing to give up my time with tardis only because I am cold. my hands are like ice, typing is difficult. I would snuggle down under my pile of blankets and ask him to call me but the phone connection has been so bad lately that we have to yell to make ourselves heard. I hate that.

I also hate that my right shift key is not working. it is too difficult to use only the left key. so not everything gets capitalized.