I've been doing a lot of thinking lately in regards to my daughter's academic mess. Most of it centering on the bill that needs paid so that she can attend next semester. I thought about taking out a loan, but with my erratic employment situation of the moment that won't be possible. Her father is no help, not surprising. His credit is crap. I mean, his father pays his bills. And that right there is one of the things that helped me make my final decision.
I have cut my daughter off. Financially. I can't keep bailing her out. Every time I do she just messes up again. She doesn't learn anything. And she never will unless she has to be the one to pay for it. I told her that I wouldn't be paying her rent anymore and that she would also have to make the payments to the university even though that meant she wouldn't be able to attend next semester. She has to learn to rely on herself. And when I got off the phone with her, I sat down and cried. I feel like I am letting her down. But she does know that she can turn to me for advice. I hope that she will always know that. But I can't let her become like her father, 47 years old and still being bailed out by others. I hope that I did the right thing.
She called me yesterday morning, she has that crap that has been making the rounds. Fever, cough, congestion. I told her that it was viral and going to a doctor wouldn't do any good. That she would just have to ride it out. Plenty of rest and fluids. But my first reaction was to go get her and bring her home where I could take care of her. But I stamped it back down. She is going to have to be able to go to work, even if she is sick. She can't do that 40 miles away from her job. But I also had another reason.
My younger daughter. The responsible, focused, determined one. She wants to attend university 4 hours away. My mother and I have been going around and around about this one. Mother thinks that she should go to the local university so that if she gets sick or has problems someone can get her easily. I have finally convinced my mother that J would be fine. Well maybe not convinced her but got her to stop making J feel guilty for wanting to be far away. If I had scurried down to pick P up yesterday it would have just reinforced it with my mother. But really I think there is a simpler explanation for Mother wanting J to attend the local university. Mother and J are very close. They are a lot alike, both strong and determined. P is gone, I will be leaving next year, and if J goes away to university then she won't have her anymore either. Like Uncle E said yesterday, "The landscape around here is changing."
And my uncle was not referring to just the girls and I leaving, but to other changes around here. Uncle D is fixing to move to Alabama to be with his new wife. My Aunt B is in the hospital and it looks as if she is going to have to go into a nursing home. Unless we can come up with an alternative solution. But Aunt B is a very large woman, probably close to 300 pounds. She has severe health problems all centering on her diabetes and her refusal to take proper care of herself. They tried to discharge her from the hospital Sunday but they couldn't get her into the van, and if they could have then there was no way Uncle S would be able to get her out. She can't stand on her own. They wanted to send her home in an ambulance. Once again, what was he to do with her when he got her home? They finally readmitted her to the hospital but the doctor said there was no medical reason for it. She needed to be in a nursing home if Uncle S couldn't take care of her. It is actually more like Uncle S won't take care of her. Maybe he isn't able to emotionally and mentally. But it doesn't look that way. Yesterday he disappeared to play golf, leaving his wife in the hospital alone and uncertain of what was going to happen next. Sometimes the men in my family make me very angry. But not all of them. My Uncle E took care of his wife all those years while she was battling cancer. He did everything for her. She lost the battle almost 2 years ago and he misses her every day. Yesterday he talked to me about her, for the first time ever. The love and closeness they shared was an inspiration. And I hoped that I would find it one day.
I think I have.
I have cut my daughter off. Financially. I can't keep bailing her out. Every time I do she just messes up again. She doesn't learn anything. And she never will unless she has to be the one to pay for it. I told her that I wouldn't be paying her rent anymore and that she would also have to make the payments to the university even though that meant she wouldn't be able to attend next semester. She has to learn to rely on herself. And when I got off the phone with her, I sat down and cried. I feel like I am letting her down. But she does know that she can turn to me for advice. I hope that she will always know that. But I can't let her become like her father, 47 years old and still being bailed out by others. I hope that I did the right thing.
She called me yesterday morning, she has that crap that has been making the rounds. Fever, cough, congestion. I told her that it was viral and going to a doctor wouldn't do any good. That she would just have to ride it out. Plenty of rest and fluids. But my first reaction was to go get her and bring her home where I could take care of her. But I stamped it back down. She is going to have to be able to go to work, even if she is sick. She can't do that 40 miles away from her job. But I also had another reason.
My younger daughter. The responsible, focused, determined one. She wants to attend university 4 hours away. My mother and I have been going around and around about this one. Mother thinks that she should go to the local university so that if she gets sick or has problems someone can get her easily. I have finally convinced my mother that J would be fine. Well maybe not convinced her but got her to stop making J feel guilty for wanting to be far away. If I had scurried down to pick P up yesterday it would have just reinforced it with my mother. But really I think there is a simpler explanation for Mother wanting J to attend the local university. Mother and J are very close. They are a lot alike, both strong and determined. P is gone, I will be leaving next year, and if J goes away to university then she won't have her anymore either. Like Uncle E said yesterday, "The landscape around here is changing."
And my uncle was not referring to just the girls and I leaving, but to other changes around here. Uncle D is fixing to move to Alabama to be with his new wife. My Aunt B is in the hospital and it looks as if she is going to have to go into a nursing home. Unless we can come up with an alternative solution. But Aunt B is a very large woman, probably close to 300 pounds. She has severe health problems all centering on her diabetes and her refusal to take proper care of herself. They tried to discharge her from the hospital Sunday but they couldn't get her into the van, and if they could have then there was no way Uncle S would be able to get her out. She can't stand on her own. They wanted to send her home in an ambulance. Once again, what was he to do with her when he got her home? They finally readmitted her to the hospital but the doctor said there was no medical reason for it. She needed to be in a nursing home if Uncle S couldn't take care of her. It is actually more like Uncle S won't take care of her. Maybe he isn't able to emotionally and mentally. But it doesn't look that way. Yesterday he disappeared to play golf, leaving his wife in the hospital alone and uncertain of what was going to happen next. Sometimes the men in my family make me very angry. But not all of them. My Uncle E took care of his wife all those years while she was battling cancer. He did everything for her. She lost the battle almost 2 years ago and he misses her every day. Yesterday he talked to me about her, for the first time ever. The love and closeness they shared was an inspiration. And I hoped that I would find it one day.
I think I have.
I got out of doing Christmas cookies with the kids. My uncle stopped by and asked me if I would do his Christmas shopping for him. He gave me a list and some money and I left happily. I don't like shopping but it meant several hours out of the house alone. The stores were crowded but I didn't care. When my uncle came back by the house this evening to see what luck I had I told him there would be a 10% personal shopper fee... he tried to give me 20 dollars but I wouldn't accept. I told him having the chance to get out of the house was payment enough.