How'd I end up here?

[chelle]

My turn for the drunken post. Well not completely drunken, but I am having difficulties typing. I went to my neice's wedding reception tonight. Headed straight for the keg. I thnk I had 5 beers. Or maybe it was 6. I was certainly in good spirits. My sister pulled me out on the dance floor to do the Cha Cha slide, and the Electric Slide and I didn't even care that people were watching me learn how to do these dances. Normally I am a very self-concious person.

About 45 minutes before we left, my sister discovered htere was a bar in the Legion and that we didn't have to drink beer. OOps. Big mistake. We went in the bar and got Jack and Coke, only I think they forgot to put the coke in my drinks. Yeah drinks. 3 of them in 45 minutes. Oh my but the room is spinning now. I drank the last one real quick just before we left. I only had to drive 2 blocks. I knew I would be home before the alcohol got fully into my system. And I was right. I called Tardis, I think he found me amusing. But first I had to help my nephew finish his jigsaw puzzle. Now that was interesting. I could barely focus.

Okay so then I called Tardis and we agreed to meet online. But first I had to get another beer out of the fridge. Don't know what is wrong with me, I don't normally drink. But I feel better, so maybe I'll start.

I do belive I'll sleep well tonight. might notg feel good in the morning though......

 

[chelle]

I still haven't heard anything from the correctional facility. And I still don't know whether to hope that means I still have a chance or to be glad because it means I don't. I was never entirely sure I wanted the job. I know the pay and benefits are good, but the thought of what the job could entail scares me at times. I don't do confrontations very well normally.

My current temp job is still active. Sort of. They haven't gotten the new apps all scanned in and we are now reduced to finding work. Today they put us up in another queue. And then took us out and put us into yet another one and then took us out of that one too. It's frustrating.

So tomorrow I go in at my usual time and sit until we find out what we are doing. I wanted to go in later, we have flex-time there and can go in anytime between 7 and 8:30. I always did 7 because I like getting off work at 3:30. Anyway, my mother pointed out that if they were willing to pay me to sit there then I should go ahead and do it. And I agreed because it would mean an extra hour should we get sent home early. I'll make sure I take a book or something in to keep me occupied. I hate just sitting.

My car goes in the shop tomorrow. The right headlight went out towards the end of last week. I bought a new bulb for it this weekend, put it in, and it still didn't work. I took the one from the left headlight and put that in and it didn't work either. So the new bulb wasn't defective. Looks like the wiring may be. Hopefully it won't be expensive or time consuming to fix.

My oldest daughter turned 20 on Sunday. I took her out to dinner and then to Books-a-Million to buy her birthday present. As soon as I walked in I spotted a new book by Nora Roberts, my favorite author, so I snatched that up for myself. Finished it last night. Now I wait a month for the second book in the trilogy to arrive in the bookstores. The final one comes out in January so not much time to wait between them. Thank goodness. Looked in the front of this book and discovered that I managed to miss one of her books. It must have came out while I was in New Zealand. Looks as if another trip to the bookstore is in order to pick that one up also. Meanwhile, I got ambitious and finally pulled out a book that I had been meaning to read for years, War and Peace. I think I am going to have to read this one in the manner that I used to read for my literature classes. With a notebook to jot down characters and references. All those wonderful things that we would discuss in class and then end up writing a paper about.

Sometimes I think about taking another literature or writing class, for no other reason then I enjoy them. I got that Associates degree in Liberal Arts intending to go on for a bachelors degree and finally a masters in Library Science. I don't see myself doing that now, but sometimes I think about going for a second degree in social services. I like working with teenagers.

I miss Tardis. Though I am adjusting to the weekend only thing more each week. I am happy for Minou and Burns, envious, but happy.

 

[chelle]

whining again

My supervisor came in yesterday and informed us that there was no work for the rest of this week and that we were to go home. Hopefully we will be back to work Monday.

Finally heard from the prison. The letter was in the mail today. They regret to inform me...

I am feeling like a failure. I can't find a job, I can't keep a job. I have no real qualifications for a real job. How am I to find work in New Zealand when I get one here that will help me over there?

I know that I have got to reach inside myself and find the determination to get a job and better myself. Maybe I'll have better luck tomorrow.

 

[chelle]

regressing

I am so cold. Both inside and out. Cold and tired. I'm sorry for starting this crap again. I'll go away now. Come back when my head and my heart are in a better place. Right now I can feel myself going back to where I was before. Before I found love and acceptance and understanding. I'll have to fight it, not give in to it. I'll need to immerse myself in memories and reminders. But what I need most right now I can't have.

There is a future for us, I need to remember that. A future of love. Right now though, that future seems a very distant one. An unlikely one. One that I am in danger of screwing up. I'll need to stop myself.

 

[chelle]

Not completely healed

After all it has only been 24 hours. But I am better then I was yesterday morning. Or even yesterday afternoon.

Got a phone call from the temp place yesterday afternoon, there will be no work next week either. Oh but I need a paycheck. Hopefully one of the jobs I applied for yesterday will pan out.

I had a dream last night. Tardis was here and we all went to a play or something but he and I and someone else, I don't remember who the someone else was, went to a bar. No wait, that was there in NZ, because I remember now that he ordered me a Jack and Coke and I was surprised that you could get Jack Daniels there, why that would surprise me I have no idea. I think the other person must have been his flatmate because I have no idea who else it could have been. But I remember us being bothered by the lack of privacy. There was no sex in the dream, I would have remembered that, more it was us being bothered because we had no alone time. No time when it could be just the two of us. So the solution was to go and stay in the flat under his parent's house. And the dream is fading now. I knew it would. Everyone kept trying to talk to me and interrupting my train of thought. Or should I say train of rememberance.

Tardis and I talked about my starting to write again. I can write, I used to write all the time but now it is too difficult. I keep listening to that inner critic too much. I know I should listen to it some but not to the extent that I do now. Not so much that I end up throwing away what I have written when I am only a few sentences into it. I need to regain the faith that I used to have in myself. Also, I toss out ideas that I have had. Tardis suggests I start with those weird dreams I have, and maybe he is right. I could take that dream I had, change the names and make it fiction. After all, fiction comes from life, I have heard something along those lines before.

But I'll try again and we'll see what happens.

 

[chelle]

I said that I was going to start writing again. As a starter I used an exercise that I found online. It said to write down 10 unrelated words and use them in a short story. I had my daughter chose the words but I wrote the story. And I haven't finished it. I came to a block. But here is what I have so far. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Serena sat and stared vacantly out the window, the calico cat that had been her aunt’s constant companion for the past 12 years curled up on her lap. The sound of the cat’s purr was the only thing she could hear. That and the steady ticking of the clock that sat on the television. The quiet was too loud. She had read that in a book at some point in her life and thought it a strange statement but now she could understand it. The scent of vanilla was hanging in the air as always. There was a time when it would have been from baking but now it was from the candles that were sitting on the wood mantelpiece. Nothing would ever be the same again.

The bond between Serena and her aunt had been more like that of a mother and daughter. Serena’s parents died in a car wreck when she was a toddler and her aunt and stepped in and raised her, with never a complaint. Just a steady unconditional love that she had come to count on. But now her aunt was gone. Cancer had claimed her life at a relatively young age. And Serena would have to carry on alone. She didn’t know how she would manage, not with all the reminders scattered through the house; the tablecloth that she had crocheted, the plant that she had nursed back to life after Serena had managed to half kill it.

 

[chelle]

My daughter is in academic trouble at her college. I first found this out when I received a bill from the university for 1300 dollars. Her Pell grant was supposed to have paid that. I called, they told me her financial aid had been revoked. Because she did so poorly last year. She's supposed to be filing an appeal. And she was to apply for a student loan.

End of last week we got a letter from the university. It was from the coordinator of the PASS Program (Partnership for Academic Survival and Success). She needs this program. They are there to help students get back in good standing with the university. My daughter needs this program. So I called her and told her to call the office and set up an appt and that it had to be done by the 19th. She agreed to call on Monday.

Yesterday we received another letter from the university. She is no longer attending one of her classes. This class meets at noon on MWF. I called her to find out what was up with that. She said that she was attending the class and that there must have been a mistake. I told her to get that straightened out. Then I decided I would check it out myself. Not that I don't trust my daughter... okay so she's lied in the past. And I don't trust my daughter.

I called and talked to the professor. He said that he would have to check with the teachers assistant that ran her section. I guess he has 180 students in that class and has divided them into sections. He called me back, said the assistant was not in the office so he couldn't double check with her. But he did have a copy of her grades and at mid-term she had a D. And that she was missing a lot of classes and not turning in her homework and doing poorly on tests. She told me when I asked her how she was doing in her classes that she was getting Bs. Okay so I caught her in one lie. He also told me that really he was not supposed to be talking to me about these things but that he thought that what he had told me was okay. I guess it doesn't matter if the parent is paying.

After I finished talking with him I decided to call the PASS Program Coordinator and see if I could attend the meeting with my daughter. She said she didn't have my daughter down for an appt on Wednesday. Nor did her grad assistant. Hmmm. Lie number 2. I made an appt for her and I am going with her. I left a message on her voice mail. I told her I would meet her in the building at 11:15. I am not going to talk to her until I get there. I am very angry. And disappointed. Disappointed that she would blow this opportunity. Angry that she was lying to me.

Is she suffering depression again or just being lazy? I think it is laziness. I am no longer accepting the depression excuse. Because she has a history of not doing her work. Because I have been depressed, I am depressed now, but I still do what I am supposed to do. you get up, you do what is expected. I know that depression affects different people different ways, but she is on medication now. It is no longer a valid excuse. Whatever the reason, it cannot go on like it is.

No more excuses, no more second chances. I am ready to tell her that if she won't do what she is supposed to do then I am not going to either. I will stop paying her rent. Past history tells me that there is no underlying cause for her to lie or screw up. She did it all the time. This exact same thing only played out in high school. I need to impress upon her somehow that this is NOT high school it is real life and that if she screws up there is no safety net. I cannot hold her hand and walk her to class. I cannot sit with her and make her do her homework. I no longer have the control or the influence to make her do what she is supposed to do. It is all part of growing up, and she will need to learn to do these things on her own without that guiding hand. And if she can't yet, if she is not mature enough yet, then what happens to her?


Tardis asked me something that I ask myself often and I need to ask my daughter. "Whatever happened to that smart little girl who taught herself how to read?" My answer is that school got too hard. She grew up, was faced with life, and now, now she has problems and maybe her problems stem from her mental health situation and the epilepsy. But neither can be used as an excuse for not trying. For not asking for help. For not doing what is needed. But she'll find something to us as an excuse, she blame it on something else. She won't admit that she screwed up. She won't take responsibility. So far she hasn't blamed me, but I do. Somewhere along the line I failed to instill something in her.

Life is a bitch, and I am not a strong person. At least not inside. Not inside my head. I deal with what needs dealt with. I do what I have to do. But inside, inside I hurt. I haven't given up yet. I haven't turned to substance abuse to ease the pain. But I have withdrawn. I sit in my room. I talk to no one but Tardis and my daughter and sometimes my mother. It took me 20 minutes last Friday to force myself out the door to go job hunting. And I had to push myself to do the applications once I was in town. I wanted to just turn around and go back home.

And I think therein lies an underlying factor in my daughter's problems. She has not found that ability to push herself yet. I did the pushing for her. And I will continue to do some of it. But as for the daily problems, she is going to have to learn how to push herself through them on her own.

I'm glad I wrote this out here. It may have sounded like whining but it has helped me gain a fresh perspective.

 

[chelle]

We got a puppy. Went to the animal shelter with the intention of getting a dog. One that was already housebroken. They had some there like that, but my nephew (it was for him) fell in love with a puppy. Now I am housebreaking. Wasn't going to be a big deal, I wasn't working, I had the time. Got home that night, checked messages, there was one from the temp service, I was to go back to work the next day. Not as much time to work with him. I have the weekend though. There have been numerous accidents. My final decision on how to do this is to keep him on his lead after he eats or drinks until he finally goes potty outside. Then let him off for a while. I need to get him a crate. Then teach him the crate is his den, his place to escape.

He is a cutie. Brindle boxer mix. Have to name him still. The nephew calls him Dude. Not too thrilled with that name. One will come to us in time though.

 

[chelle]

I don't wanna do it

The pup has been named. By my 6 year old nephew. As the pup is technically his, I guess it is his right. I am only the temporary maintainer of the puppy. He will get him after he is trained and all growed up. Just as soon as my sister finds that house in the country she has been wanting. They can't have dogs in the apartment.

Anyway, he's named the pup George Michael. He has no idea who George Michael is. I have no idea why he came up with that combination of the two names. However, I have no intention of calling that pup by his name. Ever.

On another note, I just read Boss of Applesauce. Why didn't anyone tell me about that journal before?

 

[chelle]

yay!! he's learning

Got the crate for the puppy last night. A nice big one that he can grow in to. We introduced him to it last night. I put his new toys in there with him. Left him for a few minutes then took him out and gave him a treat as a reward for not crying. Didn't leave him in there when we went to bed though. Instead I let him sleep in my bed again. He's such a good pup, he woke me up at 2 because he had to go out and then again at 7. Bless him he is learning already.

One of the toys I got him was a ball. We threw it, he chased it and then brought it right back to us. Guess fetch is a game that won't have to be taught.

I love little Georgie, I'll miss him when he has to leave.

 

[chelle]

This journal may end up being about nothing but the pup for a bit. Oh well, at least I am occupied. It's been raining all evening. Pup does not like going outside in the rain. Neither do I for that matter. I told him so too. Told him that if he doesn't want to be out here then he should just do his business quicker. I think he listened to me. The time spent outside got progressively less each time.

It was cute watching him the first time. He kept jumping around in circles trying to escape the raindrops.

 

[chelle]

Call me Grinch.. I don't care

Or maybe simply grouch will do.

 

[chelle]

the everchanging name

The names for the puppy keep changing, as one person after another comes up with something else. We got the nephew past George Michael. Then he thought that naming him after one of the Ninja Turtles would be good. Nope. I finally said that I didn't care what he called him, I was going to call him Pup. Been doing it for a week, he responds, it will be cute when he is full grown. Tonight, my mother suggested Joey. I might could live with that one. I don't know why I am being so particular, it just seems that there is some name that will suit him best and that I will come up with it in time. Hmmm.....sounds like control freak is coming out in that last sentence.

The nephew has been having difficulties bonding with his pup. Pup is too rambunctious. Hasn't learned yet how to play. I am working on it, but put a small boy on the floor and the rules suddenly change. I can't keep pulling Pup off him. I told the boy that he needs to tell Pup in a firm voice, "NO". Instead the boys yells, "ow, quit that, that hurts... Aunt Chelle!!! Make him stop!!!" The boy told me that he wanted me to take the pup back. I told him that I knew that Pup was frustrating and irritating, but that it was no reason to be taken back. I went on to tell the boy that if it had been a reason I would have taken him back years ago. I told the boy that Pup has to be taught how to play appropriately and the he would have to help me teach him. The next time Pup bit him too hard, the boy said "No" and Pup ran off and laid down on his rug, looking as if he knew what he had done was wrong and was sorry. The boy loved on him a bit. Right now they are playing together nicely. Finally. Which is a good thing... I love them both and don't want to have to take either of them back......

 

[chelle]

Today wasn't a bad day as Sunday's go. Really don't remember much of anything that I did. Back to work tomorrow, for the day anyway. We don't know if we will be working all week. I hate the not knowing.

Maybe some of you can relate to this. Those that are or have been in a long distance relationship. This has been another one of those missing him days. The kind of missing that sneaks out of nowhere and just grabs you. The kind of missing that made me want to pick up the phone and call him. But I would have been disturbing him at work and I can't afford the phone bill, not now, not when I don't know if I am working from one day to the next.

These next 5 months cannot go by quickly enough for me.

 

[chelle]

The puppy is sick. Normally when I would put his food bowl down he would devour the food as quickly as he could. This morning he just looked at it and then went and laid down in his kennel. I didn't shut the door to it, and I am glad because he started to throw up. I scooped him up, much the way I did my girls when they were little and were going to throw up, and ran outside with him. He still won't eat, he still only wants to lie in his kennel. This is so not like him.

Yesterday I got home from work only to receive a negative report on his behaviour from my mother. All he did yesterday was whine and bark. Didn't give her a minute's peace. As soon as I got home he was very well behaved. It seems my 4 days off may have caused him to become really attached to me. I played with him all the time and he stayed by my side. I was the only one to take him out, I took him for walks. I put one of my old t-shirts in his kennel with him. One that I had slept in so it has my scent. Maybe this will serve as a security blanket and he will be better behaved today. Or he may be better behaved simply because he doesn't feel well.

I hope he gets better soon. The state doesn't offer free medical care for animals.

 

[chelle]

I think the pup is getting better. When I went to work this morning, he was listless and refusing food and water. I called a vet, they said that it was probably a virus and to watch him and don't give him any food or water for 12 hours. My mother didn't know about this and offered water several times through the day but he wouldn't drink. He finally drank some around 6:30 tonight. And kept it down. He is still not acting his normal puppy self, but he did interact with my daughter and me some. Like looking at us like we were crazy when we were singing along with a commercial. "I'm walking on sunshine, oh yeah...." oops sorry, where was I?

Oh yeah, the pup. I carried him to his kennel tonight, to settle him in for the night, and he tried to chew on my ear... definitely a sign of him returning to his healthy self. I'll offer him food in the morning...see what happens.

On another note, my daughter and I had to attend a meeting for her 21st Century Scholarship. That is a state funded scholarship. They will pay her college tuition in full. It wasn't as painful as I thought it would be, only 30 minutes.

We went to Walmart before the meeting. Had to pick up some paper products. Our checker was a young man...high school. He flirted with my daughter some, she flirted back. While driving to the school she started sneezing which reminded me she needed more allergy medication. So we had to go back to Walmart after the meeting. Of course she went to the same checkout. Can't blame here there. I just hope this doesn't mean we will be making regular trips...

I think I might of mentioned before that my uncle had a lady friend in Alabama. They got married in October. The original plan was for him to continue living here until he could retire with full benefits in 3 years. When he first came back after the wedding I asked him if it was harder leaving being married and he said it was. Today my mother told me that he is retiring next month, taking a 400 dollar a month cut in benefits because he would rather be with her. You can't put a price on happiness. So I am happy for him, envious, but happy.

I think that is it. If it isn't it will have to be... I better be getting to sleep.

 

[chelle]

The pup is better, back to his normal rambunctious self. The training is going well. He no longer attacks his food when I set it down. He'll sit when told to. Drop whatever he has picked up when told to. Now if I can just teach him that when I say Shhh!!! it means to stop whining or barking, not to do it louder.

My current assignment ended today. In that area of my life I am feeling defeated. I am also fighting depression right now. Fighting the urge to withdraw. Pull into myself. I need to reach out I know, but I worry that it is getting tiresome. So I don't. But truthfully, I want nothing more then to crawl into his arms and have him comfort me and reassure me. I need to feel loved again. I need to stop feeling like a failure. Like I keep letting everyone down. Including myself.

 

[chelle]

some bits and pieces

I went to the temp service today to work on some training. Took a timed test while I was there. I am currently keying 60 wpm. I also discovered that if this job had ended on Wednesday I would have been back to work at the warehouse Thursday. Just my luck. My name is first on the list should someone who was sent back out. I'm hoping that happens.

I almost lost my pup. My sister and her live-in boyfriend were here yesterday and said something about going ahead and taking him home. My mom saved the day by telling my sister that I was still getting up with him in the middle of the night. I know that he has to leave sooner or later, after all he is my nephew's and I am just training him, but I have grown attached to the little fellow.

And finally...I think old age is starting to set in. I slipped and fell in the shower this morning. Wasn't seriously hurt, just have a nice lump and bruise on my knee. It was embarrassing, my mother came in to see if I was okay. My uncle was sitting in the kitchen and heard me fall as the bathroom is off the kitchen. He had some remarks to make when I finally came out. But you know, the worst of it was while I was sitting there in the tub, he unthinkingly turned on the hot water in the kitchen and I ended up with cold water beating down on me.

 

[chelle]

Sharing

My daughter wrote the following and shared it with me and I decided to share it here:

A Few Christmas Wishes​

I wish you all the happiness​

that your new love can bring.​

I wish you a long life together, Mom,​

and joy in everything.​

I wish you clearer vision, sis,​

That you may see your mistakes.​

I wish that you could get through college​

No matter how long it takes.​

Grandmother, I wish you sleep,​

A long and peaceful rest.​

I wish for you a soft bed,​

and dreams that are blest.​

Father, my wish for you is strange,​

for though you have the gift of gab,​

I wish that you did not,​

and neither did your dad.​

I wish for myself patience,​

to be tenderhearted and unselfish.​

And hope that I can eventually​

My bad temper abolish.​

I wish the world the happiness​

That only Christ can give.​

I wish for them a Merry Christmas​

And joyful lives to live.​

 

[chelle]

whine whine whimper whimper sigh...

no need to say more, it is all the same.