How to Cook Everything

[EthanK]

Wife Slash! Wait...Blind Crazy! Um...Flash Edit!

The new gag for the Doc group is "find something funny during rehearsal and change our name to it for the week." First it was Flash Edit. Then it was Blind Crazy, after Peter's loony wrestler, Blind Crazy. It's probably still Blind Crazy but last night a great suggestion came out and we're calling ourselves that. Here's the scene:

(Peter and Tim are a client and his lawyer relaxing at the bar)
Tim: I ordered this new stuff for us, I know how much you like Natural Ice.
Peter: Great. So how are things?
Tim: Well, things aren't good with the wife. She...found out about Anna.
Peter: Your secretary?
Tim: Yeah, well you see...
Peter: You had an affair with your secretary? Now I just found out!
Tim: She's upset.
PEter: Yeah, she cut you. Right there...
Tim: Yeah...
Peter: That's a wife slash right there.

Ta-da, Wife Slash.

Again, it was fun to run scenes but I was off the map lost when we started. For some reason I wasn't being self-critical and didn't realize I was playing like crap and forgetting all the rules until I caught myself like 20 minutes into the night. I don't know what was up.

After that, yeah, some good scenes came out of it. Ross and my scene about a coach and an interim principal lasted forever and, even thought it was awkward at points, was a lot of fun. Lots of dead silence, but we were two single co-workers who lead boring, boring lives. We played Go Fish and discussed how cool "CSI" is. Who thought bus duty would make for a good scene?

Oh, and I came home and helped Meljo with a guy problem. For the first time in a long time I think I gave advice that was more than halfway decent. I looked into "therapist" as a career but really hated psychology class. I'm hoping Mel is feeling better about it today and realizes that it's not the end of the world, it's just the beginning of something new, something that, even though it's undefined as of yet, could be really fun and cool. Maybe she should take up kickboxing.

Cooking tip of the day: Jeeeeeezzzzzz.....put the plastic plate in the microwave again and it melted. again.

 

[EthanK]

Well I'm impressed

After Inside Improv last night something hit me. I was sitting at a table with some of the most talented people in the country. It's nothing earth-shaking but I looked around and thought, "the amount of talent as this table is staggering." I feel that was a lot when I'm sitting with DSI people, cracking jokes, running scenes, doing bits with a waitress who had no idea that the 14 people who sat down at midnight would not only hate her but also find clever ways of expressing our disapproval (if she's not Jenn, she's a sucky waitress. Thank you Jenn for getting me the Shirley Temples and not bitching about it. Last night "Jessica" bitched about it AND only brought one cherry.)

Everyone is great at what they do and when we all get together I get the feeling that anything can happen, like a poker game break out suddenly or charicatures of everyone at the table. When we're all rich and famous that piece of paper will be worth so much friggin money...

But there's a feeling I get when I'm sitting at Ham's with 10 other improvisors that I'm part of something huge and positive. It's a good feeling.

 

[EthanK]

Ethan Meets Cheetah, Shakes His Hand

My God, I can't stop thinking about last night.

And no, this isn't the story of the underage models on my paper route, that's just the dream I had last night when I was asleep. I'm talking about the best rock show I've ever been to. Last night. At Kings.

When Andi and I saw the Weakerthans they had a poster advertising Rocket From the Tombs re-uniting for a mini-tour that came through Raleigh. I thought "JEEZUS! ROCKET FROM THE TOMBS! THEY BROKE UP IN THE 70'S AND FORMED PERE UBU AND MY FAVORITE PUNK BAND, THE DEAD BOYS! THEY'RE BACK!"

As a side note, all internal and external dialogue I have in this post will be in all caps. I am that excited.

As the tale is told, RFTT was the first punk band from Cleveland. They never recorded an album, only demos and radio recordings, but they've been bootlegged to all hell. The group broke up and some members went to Pere Ubu and some members went to the Dead Boys, both groups played RFTT songs. Then both bands broke up again, mostly because of death (poor Stiv Bators had just gotten off drugs and getting on with his life when he was run over by a drunk driver).

So RFTT got back together, mostly just Dave Thomas from Pere Ubu and Cheetah Chrome from the Dead Boys and some ringers. Richard Lloyd from the Heartbreakers (the punk band, not the Tom Petty back-up band) filled in on guitar and, to be honest, the only people I was really excited about were Cheetah and Richard.

I went by myself. Andi would have been killed. And perhaps eaten.

The show blew my mind. I got the shit beat out of me and I'm all sore and bruised now. I screamed my head off. I was right in the center of every pit. The band was awesome and I can say that I finally saw a little part of the Dead Boys play. Cheetah is one of my heroes, as basically the only member of the Dead Boys who still plays and talks about the band. Seeing him break into the opening riff of "Sonic Reducer" made me feel like I was part of something special, something that only comes together on rare occasions.

So afterwards I weasel my way up front to try and say hi to everyone. Dave Thomas, the lead singer of RFTT and Pere Ubu, was all sweaty and worn out and selling merch from the stage. The conversation (wording may not be precise):

Ethan: HEY! GREAT SHOW! AWESOME!
Dave: (sweats) Thanks.
Ethan: HOW MUCH FOR A CD?
Dave: They're $12.
Ethan: CAN YOU BREAK A $20?
Dave: I don't have any change.
Ethan: AW MAN, THAT SUCKS.
Dave: (shrugs)

As you may know from improv, transaction scenes are boring. This was boring but I did a transaction scene with Dave friggin Thomas.

I also saw Richard Lloyd putting his pedals away.

Ethan: RICHARD! HEY!
Richard: (looks up, confused, annoyed perhaps)
Ethan: GREAT SHOW!
Richard: (breaks into a big smile) Thanks!

That made me feel good. I made contact with Richard Lloyd.

But the best part, the part that I kept screaming into the phone about to Andi afterwards was Cheetah. He was running around the stage unplugging amps.

Ethan: HEY CHEETAH!
Cheetah: (looks at me and smiles) Hey!
Ethan: GREAT SHOW! YOU WERE AWESOME!
Cheetah: Hey thanks.

AND THEN HE SMILED AND SHOOK MY HAND! JEEZUS THAT IS SO COOL! I SHOOK HANDS WITH CHEETAH CHROME! I gotta calm down. I SHOOK HANDS WITH CHEETAH CHROME! ONE OF MY IDOLS! I really shouldn't be this excited so far after the fact. CHEETAH CHROME! I MET A DEAD BOY! Really, Ethan, you're embarrassing myself. CHEET-

Ok, that's enough of that. I'll probably babble on to Andi about it for another few days and then die happy, knowing that for once in my life I got to meet one of my heroes. I meet famous people a lot but a person I really admire and respect? Hardly never.

Cheetah on-stage with the Dead Boys

Cheetah now with Dave Thomas from RFTT. both images are from Cheetah's website, which he designs and maintains. It isn't a well-designed site at all, but I'm glad he's at least making the effort.

 

[EthanK]

You think you know me, but you haven't got a clue

The post-Rocket From the Tombs glee still hasn't worn off and I've been re-reading my own post over and over again just because I'm still blown away by meeting some punk legends. No one knows who they are except me (Sugar-Snit does, she went to see them last night) so conveying why I'm so exited is difficult. Let's use PT as an example. Conversation from yesterday morning:

Ethan: I saw Rocket From the Tombs! I talked to Richard Lloyd!
PT: Great!
Ethan: That name means nothing to you, does it.
PT: Not at all!
Ethan: He used to be the guitar player from the Heartbreakers.
PT: Oh wow that's so cool!
Ethan: The punk band. Not Tom Petty's back-up band.
Pt: Oh, I don't know him then.

Hard for me to make my point when no one else has a frame of reference. I guess this is how other people felt when I had zero interest in them meeting the bass player for Moxy Fruvous, and in fact I have no interest in anything to do with Moxy Fruvous, unless they did something notable like getting my friends pregnant or landing on the moon. Neither of which happened.

Screw you, Moxy Fruvous, I don't like your music. And I especially don't like it when acapella groups cover 1/2 of your catalogue and think it's clever. Fuck you, acapella.

Well, I am in a testy mood!

I've had a rough few days. I've run into problems at work. 9 times out of 10 they're not my fault but when someone complains about something they don't like, even if it is their fault, I still have to explain everything. Problem is, no one wants to hear your side of the story, explaining extenuating circumstances, the faults of others and how you try your best. So I get beat on like that. And I've been really unhappy the last few weeks, taking pleasure from the worst things you can do when you're depressed: eating and buying stuff. I've already ended up with a stack of DVDs that I won't watch for another month and a membership in Suncoast Video's rewards program that cost $15. The guy standing behind me in line said it was a good idea. I am an idiot. I realize no one wants to hear me bitch and complain about my life, which is admittedly a pretty lively one, but so much nasty stuff has been happening that I would be happy with just a break from some of it for a while. My solution last night was to join a marching band and move cross-country, but my dreams were shattered when I learned you can't march with a piano.

Thanks to everyone who makes my life interesting, fun, and even the people who cause me grief, because without them to ground me I'd be so deleriously high on myself that you'd better hope I was wearing diapers. Just...it'll get better somehow. It'll start tonight with improv.

Cooking tip of the day: Garlic bread! Two loaves, buy one get one free at the Harris Teeter!

 

[EthanK]

You know, I kind of feel better today

I apologize to everyone who had to watch me perform disasterous scenes last night at practice.

This is the part of the improv career where one starts having self-doubts and "oh I'll never amount to anything" that Jesster was talking about in his journal. But I feel that last night's improv fiasco was understandable from my point of view.

I'm stressed. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
I ache all over because I'm stressed. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
My stomach is in knots because I'm stressed. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
My mind is thinking about big problems at home and at work. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
My vision is blurry, I'm dizzy and I have a headache. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
I have a fever. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
I haven't slept much or well in the last week. That doesn't mean I can't perform.
As soon as I step into the DSI building I get a call from my dad to say that my great aunt has died. That doesn't mean I can't perform.

But add them all up it equals "I can't perform well."

I was all over the map, I didn't understand rules or games, I kept slipping in and out of character, and I did what would be described as a half-assed job. Not even half. Some fraction smaller than a half. And it was a character-building class! I love those!

So if you were there, I doff my hat and bow and apologize for a horribly lackluster performance. Multiple lackluster performances.

But hey, we all have off nights for one reason or another. And I still have my friends. Ah yes. My friends.

Ah yes. My friends.

Philadelphia improv blow out. Less than two days.

 

[EthanK]

Hey! Hey! Loving It!

On behalf of everyone who traveled to Philadelphia, we wish the weekend had been a day or two longer. More good times, more improv and possibly more sleep, although I estimate that I got 8 hours on Saturday night which is extraordinary.

Here's the story as I see it. It will probably sound exactly like Meljo's, CoreyBrown's and LisaP's. But to spice it up, everyone who is not me will speak like a pirate.

I got a dialogue going with Holmes from the IRC when he started talking about the comparison between Philly and NC. Eventually he let me know about the Jingle Balls show this weekend. "YARRRR! There be Dillinger sailing down from New Amsterdam and me mates Rare Bird Show and The Throng on the poop deck as well."

Dillinger?

Philly Improv?

Poop?

DSI ROAD TRIP!

So I posted on the IRC and got interest from PT, Lisa Palmisano, Mike Bamford and Corey Brown about hopping into the cramped Saturn for a 7.5 hour drive to the City of Brotherly Love and Crime. Unfortunately Mike called PT up and said "YARRRR! I be swabbin' the deck this weekend and can't sail the seven seas with you!" So we had more room in the car. We told Lemar and Conklin that Mike started out with us but we left him in Virginia, their response being, and I quote, "YARRRR! That be cold!"

The ride was great, listening to Beatles and Flaming Lips and repeating our inside jokes all the way up. And calling Meljo every time we passed into another state. PT went a little nuts with the cameras (he had brought 4 disposable ones then went on and bought 2 more in Haverford) so we have about 7 pictures of me on the phone. Yeah, we were a little tired, and yeah Corey and Lisa fell asleep but PT and I had a good 20 minute run of free-associations like "YARRRR! What happens when ye kick the bucket, lad and get to Heaven? How do ye pay for yer sins? Quantitatively?"

But we got in to Haverford at 2:30, met up with some of the Philly crew, found our room and ran off to do scenes in the basement of a dorm. Corey and Lisa DID NOT PARTICIPATE because they were "YARRRR! Keel-hauled out" as Lisa put it, but PT and I had fun doing warm-ups and running scenes. And for some reason either PT or I was in every scene and PT whipped out the BIG IMPROV CIGAR more than once. It's something PT does when he wants to show a high status, he whips out this big improv cigar and just by smoking it he shows that he's in control. I don't think we made fools of ourselves and I think we made some positive choices.

We tried to sleep but kept on laughing at farts and other juvenile stuff. Corey snores too.

We got up really early Saturday too, 9Am and hung out in the room shooting the shit, telling old war stories and shooting insults with an audience of one (Conklin) who loved it but didn't jump in. DSI crew took a little tour of the Haverford main road. We popped into IHOP and ate a breakfast that disagreed later and PT bought MORE cameras and we played with the ducks and chased the geese. Meljo was supposed to meet us but she took the wrong train so she didn't see her until she got into Haverford, by which time I was in the bathroom struggling with the IHOP breakfast (breakfast: "YARRRR! I be rotting your gut like so many barnacles!" me: "Just get out, ok? You're not wanted here.")

For a little while we hung out in the auditorium and met Dillinger folks and got to see some of the people I've been talking to on the IRC for a while. The workshop with Erik and Zack was great. I was able to look at each scene I played and said "in this scene I'm going to express and want" or "in this scene I am going to confess something" or "in this scene I'm going to make sure I nail the relationship." I really felt like I had improved by the end of it and once again, by playing the scene correctly, I had discovered the jokes. I've never had such success before. I'm still thinking about the "Freaky Sidekicks Club" meeting at the Sizzler. Lisa did some great stuff too, but I saw her struggling with one of the "No you're not a doctor" twins, as we called them because they repeatedly denied the realities of the scene.

We had some time off so we ran out to dinner at some restaurant that I didn't care to learn the name of. The dinner, as Meljo pointed out, was just one big photo op and a chance to discuss improv, sex and Conan O'Brien. It was a sign that a commercial with Matt Walsh popped on the TV.

The Philly shows were pretty good, and I was really happy to see the scenes with Conklin in the trunk and the car dealership with the controlling boss. Seriously, when I think of Rare Bird Show I think of Conklin in the trunk with the tape over his mouth saying "YARRRR! MMMMMMPH!!!!MMMMMMMPHHHH!!!!!" and when I think of the Throng I'll think of the two car waxers getting to the end of the boss's instructions, looking at each other, shrugging, and going back to waxing the car, even if the conversation wasn't over. It was a highlight.

I was totally blown away by Dillinger. Twice, actually, once then and at the improv jam. They really do support each other to the extreme and totally set the scene and characters within the first three lines. I can't wait to see more. Um, sometime, I don't know when. But soon!

I played some piano to an empty auditorium. It felt good, I haven't played in too long. I'm rusty.

The improv jam...Oh Lord...Yes, I didn't play all the scenes to my full potential, but DSI held their own and didn't look like fools, which I was expecting after so much good luck the past two days. PT and I did scenes with Dillinger for about 40 minutes or so then I got off to get a drink and Corey and Lisa got up. Someone from DSI was on-stage all night, until 6 AM. Meljo and I left around 2 or 3 and just hung out in the dorm basement (our room) and laughed a whole lot. As much as living as a group for a weekend was, it was also a lot of fun to be able to connect with someone one-on-one and I feel all the better for it. After giggling with tiredness for about three hours, we fell asleep and I finally got some rest, although EVERYONE AND THEIR MOTHER decided to walk through the room multiple times to wake me up. Meljo's awesome, I just wish she would move to North Carolina already and be a player in our game.

DSI is a game. Sometimes you get a good roll, sometimes you get a bad one, but everyone involved is a player and every piece has meaning and worth. Come be part of our game.

PT snapped awake at 1Pm, the time we said we'd go, and we threw clothes on, said goodbye to Meljo (I wanted to say goodbye to the Philly folk but I had no idea where they were!), lept in the car and tore ass through the rain to North Carolina. We learned a lot from this trip. LisaP learned that "cunt" is a good insult. Corey learned that the reflective strips on his coat make him look like a superhero when someone takes a Flash picture. Meljo learned that Chris Gethard is an approachable person and really fun to hang out with. PT learned that he is, in reality, Michael Keaton. I learned that even if I burn my face with acid and cut off my nose, I'll still be damn cute no matter what and that bugs me.

It's a long journal entry, but it was a very very full weekend. Thank you Philly improv, you gave us the opportunity to see how it is up north. Thank you Dillinger for having patience in the workshops, for putting on a good show, and supporting us 100% in the jam. Thank you Meljo for joining our little group and immediately merging with the group mind. And thank you PT, Lisa and Corey for being such awesome, awesome traveling companions, representing DSI to perfection, and for reminding me that I'm a worthwhile player in the big improv game.

And thank you, Neil Simon, for letting us laugh about love. Again.

YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

 

[EthanK]

Ethan's Wild Bachelor Weekend

So somewhere in my head I got the idea that when your girlfriend goes away for the weekend life suddenly turns into some wild out of control adventure with aliens, bikini girls, and a talking robot named S.P.I.X. that learns the true meaning of love. Maybe I watched too many movies in the 80's. Probably.

The story so far is simple. Andi's parents got her a ticket home to Buffalo for yesterday and I took her to the airport at 6 AM and saw her off. I still have to work until Friday and I want to stay for Inside Improv Saturday, so I'm home alone until Sunday morning, where I will drive my Saturn to Pennsylvania. Home. After visiting with Meljo after Christmas, I come home, work for a few days and see Andi New Year's Eve. Ta-da, my Christmas/Hanukkah holiday in a nutshell. One week away from the NC home, one week back in Easton or Philly or Allentown or wherever I'm spending most of it.

The Wild Bachelor Weekendtm is not panning out, and it's my fault.

I'm boring.

See, in my head, I'm expecting something cool to happen. Like hacking into the Pentagon with my Apple IIE computer or having to host a break dancing contest to save the rec center. I'd be up for creating my perfect woman as a science project or playing a prank on the Tri-Lambs because they are such nerds. In my head I'm also making out with Molly Ringwald and Ally Sheedy from WarGames, not Ally Sheedy from Breakfast Club. Maybe I'll even get sucked into my computer and have to fight men on motorcycles with laser frisbees. While saving the cheerleading squad from Dracula's evil.

However, nothing cool has happened so far. Last night's highlight might have been the fried chicken although it could have just as easily been going to bed early and having the whole bed to myself. Today holds the bold promise of going to see "Once Upon a Time In Mexico" by myself and coming home to an empty house where, granted, I don't need to wear pants but I'd rather have someone there so at least I'd think about putting pants on for them. I can watch some of the DVDs I've bought in fits of depression, but I'm really saving "Road to Bali" for a special occasion, and I don't seem to have found it yet.

If I had wood flooring I'd probably try one of those underwear dances like Tom Cruise did in Risky Business, but as is it now all we have is carpet and I tried and launched myself over the vacuum.

I assume that Hef will never let me in the mansion now, that I'll never be able to hobnob with James Caan or Thora Birch by the grotto or relax with Miss February on the circular waterbed. My Wild Bachelor Weekendtm is basically sitting in front of one screen or another trying to catch the attention of people who actually have lives and places to go that aren't talking to me in front of a computer. It's only Thursday and I'm bored with myself already.

And I blame that lousy dean. Always trying to keep the Pi Kaps down...we'll show him...at the pep rally...bastard...

Cooking Tip of the Day: Hey Lonely Guys! Here's a cooking tip for you! Every meal you cook for yourself tastes LONELY. Because you're ALONE. Feeding just YOURSELF. Get take out.

 

[EthanK]

Wait...I'm in Easton now?

Ethan is on vacation baby!

Trading the fun in the sun atmosphere of Raleigh, North Carolina for the snow covered majesties of eastern Pennsylvania, our intrepid hero ventures home for the first time in six months. Things have changed. New couch! New TV! New shower! New...bedroom?

My pride and joy, the room I worked so hard on for years has been replaced with my mom's office. The posters of Billy Joel and Jimi Hendrix are gone, replaced by quilts. My bed is a day bed. What is a day bed? I don't know. The main difference is that it is against the wall and has lots of pillows on it. I've been told to take the pillows off when I sleep. I find this confusing but the pillows are big and annoying to look at. Plus there's a big metal headboard between the bed and the wall (not by the head, but the side - weird) which I see getting VERY cold at 5 AM and will probably be thrown out into the hall.

The dog's still here, and happy as ever. We gave him a new ball and he's rolling it around my dad's office as I type. The whole family's here. It's great.

I can't wait for stuff to happen!

 

[EthanK]

Finally seeing some old friends.

My vacation is short. I got in on Sunday night and have basically been online since then, as ther is nothing to really do. Happily I got the UCB DVD last night for Hanukkah so I'll have something to turn to when times get rough. But I'm gone in less than three days, and two of those days are filled with family events where my sister will be grumpy and sullen and I'll to fill everyone in on what I've been doing the last few months. Part of me says I should lie a lot and say that I've been at school or something, but another part recognizes that family members read this journal and I have to be careful what I say. Because if I start spouting that I'm going to law school, I'm going to get called on it.

Speaking of law school (odd transition there), I had lunch with three good friends this afternoon. We don't often see each other but since graduating from college it's always great to see them all at once. The times we can get together are very few but man it feels good just to have lunch and go shopping. The group has been the same for the past few years.
Arthur Traldi:

A law student and think tank member in DC,
Justin Weinberger:
whom I don't have a picture of anymore,
a film student from Syracuse and founding member of the short-form group Zamboni Revolution,
and Kristin Valentine, who I also do not have a picture of, but is a theater person in Millersville. I name dropped enough, thank you.

We had a great lunch and a trip to the mall where we successfully avoided everyone from high school that we knew, Justin being particularly good at it by pretending to talk on his cell phone. And Suncoast video still doesn't have Aqua Teen Hunger Force on DVD, which sucks.

I'm sorry if this entry made little sense. It's been a dull vacation and need to write something. Anything.

 

[EthanK]

Merry Christmas Wishes

On this day I would like to tell you about an extraordinary person, the reason for season, if you will. It's the story of a man who, though he came from humble beginnings he was able to change the world with his unique brand of non-violent pascifism. And even though he has gone, there are some that say he will return one day to save us all again.












































That man is Billy Jack.

The reason for the season.

 

[EthanK]

Was last week a dream? It went so fast.

Back at work Monday morning I discover that a fellow I've been in contact with is unhappy with my job performance and desires to tell everyone. I've had a few big problems with the fellow before and found him to be connivving, petty and dishonest. Just today he was complaining to my boss that I never respond to his emails, which prompted me to check on that fact, discovering that he hadn't emailed me since Oct. 2. He's since been passed to another coordinator in the desperate attempt to validate my assertion that he's a knob.

Fun things to come back to after a week's vacation.

It was a good vacation. Hell, it was a great vacation. Who wants to hear about my vacation!?!?! I'll give highlights, you're busy people.

Half of it was dull, I'll admit. The best part about the first three days at home must have been Justin and I watching Rodan and eating kumquats, otherwise I was online chatting with Andi, PT, Katy Jack or Meljo. My parents were concerned that I was depressed since I never left the house, but when you're trying to save money "going out" usually translates to "spending cash on movies, videos, food, books, CDs, gas, etc." I was happy to stay in.

Christmas was great, oddly enough. My dad and I volunteered at the hospital, like we always do and we saw the family at the big Hanukkah bash (My mom's family celebrates Christmas but with divorce stuffs they're forced to have the dinner on thr 26th). I watched TV for the first time in 5 months and still wasn't impressed. Although I didn't expect to get a gift my uncle "remembered" that he had a DVD player in the car for me and I went home happy (it works like a dream too). The next day we had a great time watching Return of the King and spending time with the family in Allentown. Came home happy then too.

I guess you could say the highlight of the week was the weekend, traveling to Washington DC to visit Meljo. It marks the first time that Ethan has traveled solo out of state to visit with an improvisor he's met over the internet, so mark that one on your calendar. I don't know what it is about Mel, I just think she's really an awesome person all around. I like Andi and Mel in two different ways for different reasons, I guess, and I'm pretty happy with that, although Andi's probably really pissed at me for saying it. Don't be! It's just nice to have someone friendly to talk to sometimes. A lot of the time.

We visited a few museums in DC and got to watch some older guy make out with his mallrat sweetheart on the train NOT ONCE but twice, in the same train when we got on at 3:30 and got back on at 5:30. They had changed seats but he still had her squished into the corner, kneeling on the floor. Ah young, trashy love. This story was related in detail to Mel's mom, brother, friends and grandparents, sometimes twice. I finally got to see "It's A Wonderful Life" and speculated what Jimmy Stewart would say if George Bailey was a pervert. In fact that bit ran for many hours over two days. Man it would be sweet to hear him say "Mary, I'm leaving you for this she-male I met at the bus station."

Also, Mel's parents like me. I don't know why, I never know why.

So I'm home again in NC, living in the apartment alone and trying desperately to clean it by the time Andi comes home tomorrow (it's not working). My goal is to have the laundry folded tonight in front of the UCB DVD I'll have playing on my awesome DVD player and to finish ordering the Christmas gifts that I had to give rainchecks on (why doesn't ANY store carry the Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD? What the shit is that?).

And you know what? After a weekend of non-stop traveling, I'm looking forward to folding clothes.

Cooking tip of the day: When buying fried chicken from grocery stores, be wary. Sometimes the chicken is woefully undercooked. And sometimes it's downright bloody.

 

[EthanK]

See? When things get busy I don't get to write.

I'm looking at the clock and it says 12:00 PM. I can't remember the last time I wrote in this journal just because either I haven't been home or Andi has been using my computer when I am. Most of the time I'm a-sitting here watching some DVD or desperately working my way through the "training" section of an antiquated Playstation game.

I'll go out on a limb and say that aside from my dad and possibly some coma patients, I am the worst video game player in the history of modern man. I can't even beat the "Training" level in Tenchu, a ninja game where you sneak around and poke people with swords. You have to sneak up and kill like six dudes but for the life of me I fumble around and get spotted and I get a funny little animation with horrible dubbing that's supposed to sound Japanese but comes off more like Micky Rooney in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" saying that I will bring only shame, blah blah blah. In the real game I get my ass kicked by dogs.

New Year's Eve was a lot of fun, hanging out at the O'Bryan's bonfire. Lil G got ashes in his eye and Jennings and CeCe had an intervention to get him to the hospital, but happily he got the ash out and jumped around becuase he was so happy. LisaP burned her written jounral and I made up a nice mock-ceremony, including a hymn (the chorus to Hey Jude). And Corey said it best when he proclaimed it the first DSI New Year's bonfire and hoped there would be many more. I had a great night and Andi did too. Thanks Pete and Jen.

Ross's heist movie birthday party was a good time. I'm glad I could be there to annoy everyone with comments.

And that leads me here, barely dressed by the computer at noon on a Saturday. Part of me says "I don't want to go to work ever again" and another part says "you're going temp to perm when you get back and that might mean more money with which to buy stupid things like 'Terror of Tiny Town' on DVD, the first and only all-midget musical western." I'm very bad with money. Horribly bad with money.

Plus I'm almost up to 2000 hits on this little journal thingie which I'm quite proud of. Hooray for people who read this journal! I love you! I want to have illicit sexual relations with you provided you are above legal age in the state of North Carolina! Wait, not that kind of love. I was confused.

Cooking tip of the day: Never ever ever make a full meal out of garlic bread.

 

[EthanK]

A great photo of me at the aforementioned bonfire leading the ceremony to burn LisaP's journal. Thanks to Drowatzky.com!

 

[EthanK]

At 2000 hits my head will explode and my life will end

I'm only mentioning this once: I never thought I'd get 2000 views on this journal.

The last few days have been pretty uneventful, so I won't bore you with tale after tale of me watching the Family Guy or reading David Sedaris. I won't tell you the insipid stories of vacuuming the house or how many times I've cut my teeth up while brushing them (this has become a daily disturbing occurrence). Improv has been taken in small doses since the 202 class doesn't re-convene until tomorrow and we're still working on a practice date for Blind Crazy. I'm itching to play but part of me knows that I need a really good warm-up or three before I'm even thinking about running a scene. I'm slow.

Also, I'm gaining weight. I eat terribly. God do I eat terribly.

Andi tried cooking something from "Cooking Light" magazine, a classy publication that doesn't often take cost into account. Sure, it may only have three fat grams per serving but if I have to buy black market spices off a one-eyed Chinese merchant, I'm sticking to Burger King's chicken tenders. Bless her heart she worked for three hours on a "rice porridge" which if just the name frightens you, you should have been there for the main event. The pot exploded rice goop everywhere three times so the stove was coated with a thick white sauce that resembled bacon grease. The addition of ginger root transformed it into a thin, chunky porridge that smelled and tasted like Pine-Sol. My first taste was as explosive as the cooking process and I burned my lips, the roof of my mouth (skin chunks were peeling off all night), and my tongue, which has a big cracked burn mark on it right now which is preventing me from enjoying my pineapple.

Happily neither of us really enjoyed it. Even with the addition of bacon and peanuts IT WAS STILL GOOPY PINE-SOL. Andi wouldn't let me throw it out in her sight however so we played a little game where I asked her a question (what's the capital of Poland?) and she ran off to the loft to look it up online while I dumped three hours of rice glop cooking down the garbage disposal. We bought cherry turnovers and had those instead. See? We eat terribly.

We also bought pants last night. Or, I should say that I bought pants and we both shopped for me. I, like most men, hate clothes shopping. My pants have holes in them, my socks have holes in them and my shoes have holes in them. I'd venture to call myself a slob but when it comes to casual stuff I don't think I look to bad (black T-shirt, red shoes, blue jeans ALWAYS). I just don't give a shit about the way I dress or the way I look. My hair is always a disorganized mess and I figure that I'm a busy person and anything I have to do is more important to do than sitting in front of a mirror and doing more than smearing hair gel onto my scalp and spiking up random portions of my hair.

But after my last pair of black pants came out of the wash with a big smear or something on them, I was down to one pair of pants that fit and weren't overly nice (examples of "overly nice" pants are suit pants, tuxedo pants, pants made of solid gold, etc). Luckily at the company Christmas party I won a $50 gift certificate to Hecht's and got a nice black pair and a nice khaki pair.

Of course Andi wanted to look at purses. Even though my parents just gave her a great one she still wanted to look. Not buy, she won't buy, just look. Andi, they're not like CDs. You can't have too many CDs but how much stuff are you going to put in multiple purses? I don't carry multiple wallets, what do you need more purses for? As with most shopping trips with Ethan it turned into Ethan whining and everyone leaving quickly because Ethan is damn annoying when he whines. I'm glad I shop for clothes once every five years. And I think everyone should be happy they don't shop with me more than that.

Cooking tip of the day: Man, I love taco meat. I just heated up some leftover taco pork and peppers and was happier than I'll be for the rest of the day. I love taco meat.

 

[EthanK]

How do YOU ruin a franchise?

By making American Wedding.

Luckily Andi and I stayed sane by fast forwarding through the "emotional" parts and even through some of the "funny" parts. There were equal parts of both, mostly none. The magic they had with the first one is way past spent and not only were the actors walking through their lines but most of the times they just felt the need to drop characters or make them up again on the spot. Allyson Hannigan switched characters a few times and sometimes she even became Willow from Buffy. I wondered why some people were there. And why others weren't. And why NOTHING WAS REMOTELY FUNNY.

I'm over critical of movies. I know it. But damn people, just let the franchise end at 2, ok? No need to see a fine actor like Seann William Scott eat dog shit. No need to see Eugene Levy and Fred Willard piss on their careers like this. When Fred Willard dies God himself will look down and say "how much did they pay you?"

Just...I want to be left alone. I am ashamed we didn't rent "Holes" like I wanted to.

 

[EthanK]

Ethan needs to lose weight and post on his journal more often

This week was the "week that I couldn't post on my journal" at work. If it wasn't work being let out aerly it was me having to cut my lunch short to unlock the door for Andi in Raleigh becasue she didn't have her key. I've had a busy, hellish week at work yet still no positive word on getting the job. See, they've told me that I go temp to perm. I was told that by December I'd be hired on full-time. December came and went and I was told that I'd have to wait until January. January is here and my boss, although she's talked to the upper management about me, has been super busy with getting things ready for some new business. You know, getting databases together for that, writing up contracts, this and that. I've been told that I'm speaking to her Monday about it.

It's not me who's worried about this job. I've already been told I have it, already work in the department, just need to get benefits and a salary raise. Temp to perm. My parents are freaking out about it though and are calling me up demanding that I demand an answer from my over-worked boss and threaten legal action. Whereas I am patient and understand my position in the company, my parents think that if I don't pursue this every day that my job will be filled with migrant day workers and I'll be squeezed out.

I don't see that happening.

My new goal (and I'm not calling this a "New Year's Resolution" because thos vanish in smoke by President's Day) is to lose weight. Did you know for my height, 5'10", I'm supposed to weigh 145 to 175 lbs? I'm a good 30 lbs over my top weight and I already know I have horrible cholesterol (thanks for your genes, dad). I need to lose weight and keep it off, which might be difficult given that I'm surrounded by great greasy food in my travels. It's like getting that golden ticket and as soon as Willy Wonka opens the door to his factory sonmeone runs up and says "the tests are back! you're diabetic!" But I acknowledge that I've steadily gained weight since the summer when I was 15-20 pounds lighter than I am now. Damn I looked good.

The diet isn't specific, so I'm not reading books about it. Andi keeps suggesting I read a book or two but to me that just spells boring and if isn't on a power point presentation it's probably not worth knowing and I'll just kind of mix up a bunch of diets and that should do something. Counting fat helped me lose 15 pounds in two months over the summer and that was super sweet. I also have access to an exercise room here in Raleigh so I could start using that which would be a 100% improvement over my workout regement now, which is basically walking up stairs and opening doors. The key part of this diet, which has been endorsed fully by Corey Brown and PT and suggested to me by Meljo is the "massive amounts of water." 80 oz a day and you'll lose weight just by peeing. Mel said I could lose 5 lbs in a week. Corey said he did it and lost 80 in a year. I am on the ball.

So I hope not to fill this journal up with fun stories of "how much water I drank" and "I lost 5 lbs!" and "I can't stop peeing!" But it'll be a subtext. A glorious subtext.

Off to get more water!

 

[EthanK]

Wht must I bid on eBay on crap?

The Jerry Colonna eBay bidding fun has not stopped. If you remember from one of my first entries I talked about bidding on memorabilia associated with this odd mustachioed actor and how although no one knows who he is, I'll buy up his stuff. So far I have his signed AFRA application and a printing matrix for his film "Kentucky Jubilee," a film so out of print that the original film is made out of wood.

But every now and then, when I'm bored or just chatting online, I'll pop over to eBay and look up Jerry's name. Most of the time it's records of his with his big band, Fud and the Fuddy Bears (I chalk the name up to the war) but sometimes you really get something nice up for auction. For example, I was tempted by a Jerry Colonna salt and pepper shaker set where he's a train porter carrying bags. The price was a little high though and I wasn't in a financial position to spend $35 on a decorative salt and pepper shaker set. Normally my attitude would be "when will I ever get this opportunity again?" but Christmas was coming and I'll be damned if I was spending $35 on a utilitarian object. When I buy something it sure as hell better not do anything useful. To illustrate this point, I am planning on buying the DVD version of "King Frat" but am still without a decent tablecloth.

Last night I was braving the eBay jungle and I stumbled on the movie poster for Jerry's "Kentucky Jubilee," the film so out of print it stars Sumerians. For $10, I put a $20 cap on my bid and I'm letting it go. Now, this item had come up before and I bid my ass off to get this poster because Jerry had autographed it and whatever no-name female lead had too. Really, if you're starring opposite Jerry Colonna in "Kentucky Jubilee," the film so out of print it's been dug up in fossilized swamps, you're not going to be expecting that lifetime achievement award. (as an added joke, one of the characters from "Kentucky Jubilee," a film so out of print every character is referred to as "thou," is named Carrot Top. Hopefully no relation to that ass of a prop comic!) I was outbid in the last like 10 minutes by some jackass, and although I've hoped that it gets re-sold, I doubt it's going to.

So I bid on this un-signed poster in much worse condition than the autographed one. It has pin holes, frayed edges and has been folded. $20 would be the top price for this gem but I know that I'll spend at least twice that in framing it. Still, it will look attractive, what with Jerry's huge disembodied head glaring at us from a bright yellow background with the words "It's a SCREAMBOAT!" taking the place of his moustache. If I get an apartment of my own guests might be impressed with my tribute to this forgotten star of stage, radio and screen which will encompass most of my decorating. Impressed enough not to call the authorities.

Cooking tip of the day: Water water everywhere and why, God, must I drink it?

 

[EthanK]

Good. Not great, but good.

So I was way off about the job being guarenteed.

I had my meeting with my boss yesterday about going temp to perm and an agreement was reached but as far as vagueness goes, this deal takes the taco. Right now I'm an hourly employee with a temp service. I have no benefits. I turn in a little time sheet each Friday and get my check a week later. That's me. Temp jobs are also notorious for the employer saying "well, the project is finished, don't bother coming in Monday." This is what I've done for a long time.

So my hope was to go permanent. Get hired by my pharmaceutical marketing company and get their sweet benefit package and some extra cash and not have to worry about time sheets and hours and healthcare and the thread of a lay-off. And I asked the boss about it and she said that I was going to come on full-time.

But as of yesterday's meeting, I'm going to be a contracted temp employee. Meaning, I stay with the temp service but I have a contract that lasts for a year. I have the option of leaving if I want to, they have the option of hiring me on full-time if they want to. But I'm guarenteed a job for another year. Also, no pay raise, that won't come along for another 4-8 months, like any other employee. I get benefits through the temp service but I don't know if they'll whittle my paycheck down or not to pay for them. I'm barely making it on what I make now with a $25 DVD purchase at the beginning of the month to treat myself and a meal out every two weeks or so.

So here I am, waiting to sign a contract for a year that may turn permanent but with no specified date in mind, and having the threat of cut wages over my head. On the plus side, I'm not getting the boot and I will be getting health benefits. So Good not Great. Not what I was expecting but not a complete let down.

There's a lot of shit going down in my head these past few days. I need to step back and perhaps re-evaluate myself and hopefully come out for the better.

And totally mess someone's car up with a key.

Cooking tip of the day: you know, I threw some dreaded onions in the taco meat yesterday and they were pretty ok.

 

[EthanK]

Aloha, Mr. Hand

I woke up this morning to find that my hand was completly fucked up.

I don't know exactly what it was that I did to it over the night from 1AM to 8 AM when I awoke in much pain, but whatever it was I must have put my all into it because this is really, really messed up. My thought is that I hooked my thumb under some sheets while sleeping and then extended my arm over that. The thumb got pulled back, the little ligaments in my wrist screamed in pain, all was lost. There's no going back after an accident like that.

But I figured that it was just a thumb, work won't be too bad and it wasn't, unless I had to do some extraneous activity like write or type or open a door. Too bad my job is two out of those three things.

Andi convinced me to check out a doctor and I waited for over an hour reading an aged copy of People in the little room. The appointment was no more than 5 minutes and then the douchebag doctor jabbed my arm so much it hurt even more. I figure he busted some more ligaments and I'm in more pain thanks to him. But he said to give it a rest for a few days and now I'm wearing a splint for it that limits my arm motion and is clunky.

But now I figure that since I'm using technology to help me live better, I AM NOW A CYBORG.

Thanks, Corey, for listening to me talk last night. You are great for doing so.

Now off to Blind Crazy practice with my totally awesome cyborg limb! I'm planning on making every scene about crushing puny humans with my new claw.

 

[EthanK]

Old horror movies and new ones still basically suck

Did you ever notice how in horror movies when someone turned invisible they suddenly got really clumsy? Like, I've seen a bunch of "Invisible Man" movies and they all have the same scene: the guy turns invisible and then knocks over stuff. Usually it's in the lower budget stuff but can you really remember the last time you saw an Invisible Man movie where the Invisible Man doesn't affect his environment by knocking over a vase or a plant or something? How often does one of us do that in our daily lives? We don't enter a room, brush up against the curtains, knock over a glass of water and then kick the chair, no matter how much asbestos we gobbled up in school. It makes me think: invisibility will make us stupid.

Let's say that some Japanese scientist invents a cold cream that will turn you invisible if you use it. I try the cream. Suddenly I can't see myself but I can see out of my eyes and know where my limbs are,even if I can't see them. the odds are pretty good that I won't go flailing around, because even if I'm not invisible people don't flail. We, as a species, are usually quite graceful in our movements. I don't swing my arms wildly, and I don't think you do either.

So here's my plan. I'm going to form an organization to bring truth into movies about invisible men. Too long has this gross inaccuracy been portrayed, too long have be labored under the impression that invisible men totter around like the town drunk in a 19th century Irish novel. I demand that invisible men be played by regular people then airbrushed out. You'll see then that no man, woman or child of either sex deals with invisibility by prancing around like a show pony. As a group we will petition the studios who make invisible men films. We will harass the actors who play them. We will not rest until our demands are met. No more clumsy invisible men!

Invisible Man

Broken vase

Bad Chevy Chase movie

Never let any of these happen again.