Ground up!

[Conklin]

talking trash under your breath

I picked up a flyer in the subway tonight. My first thought was Wausau AstroBright Gamma Green, quarter cut. Then I started to work through different pricing scenarios: if they had 100 sheets printed, that would be 400 flyers after the two cuts, at $.09 per sheet plus $1.98 for the cutting. Up to 250 (which would yield 1000 after cutting), it would be $.055 and still just $1.98 to cut because it would still be less than a ream. And so on. This is what ran through my head on the train. As I got up at my stop, I noticed there was a scantily clad woman printed on it. I hope no one thought I was a pervert because I was staring intently at this flyer for the entire trip. If anything, I hope they think I'm a serial killer. That's what people think I look like. It's because I'm intense. I take it as a compliment.

At any rate, I quit my job at the right time. If I'm planning on staying hardcore (and I am) I can't be thinking about paper. I gotta be thinking about PAPER, knowhatimsayin?
- - - - -
I talked to Jasmine today and I'm psyched about Paris again rather than bummed about Philly. Well, I'm still bummed about Philadelphia. We're on the brink of something. Then again, I'm on the brink of something too, personally. I don't want to look at my time in Philly with rose-colored glasses. I'm excited about the improv. But at the same time, many other things went wrong. So I'm getting a fresh start with no strings attached. That's not something that happens to many people.

Plus, it's exciting that there will be a cavalcade of guests. Jasmine's brother is coming to visit, and my brother Matthew, and Scoop and his lady will probably be there right at the end before I come home.

Saving the best for last, I get to be with my girlfriend. 'Nuff said. She's been with me through thick and thin for 5 and a half years. Now I can be there for her while she's dealing with her thesis and her grad applications. Of course, she'll be there for me as I deal with the language barrier and stuff.
- - - - -
shit talk from back in the day.
- - - - -
edit: holy crap! page 3!

 

[Conklin]

i saw a tape of myself improvising with the THRONG! from 3/29/03. So much of my frustration with improv came back as I watched it. I knew more about improv than ever, but felt like I wasn't improving at all. The increased knowledge made me acutely aware of how badly I was doing. I wouldn't say it was miserable, but I thought that I was doing terrible work and might never get better.

Well, now I think that I wasn't that bad. I wasn't as aggressive in my character choices as I try to be now, and my anxiety about my work shows onstage on the tape. I'm definitely in a better place now, eight months later. But it's good to know that even when I felt flat and uninspired, I was still doing technically sound, competent improv. I gotta stop thinking I suck if I want to be any good. My head's a big place and it's easy to get lost in there.

 

[Conklin]

Today it occured to me that I hadn't done any Christmas shopping. Since Christmas began the first week in November at my job, my sense of temporality got a little warped and I kept thinking it was ridiculously early to celebrate or prepare. Today I realized it wasn't. And I realized that I have no idea what my family would like.

Screwed? This guy!
- - - - -
Packing still not complete, but not ridiculously incomplete anymore either. Well, ridiculously incomplete compared to the amount of time I have, but not to the amount of work to be done.

I have to decide whether to do laundry here and pay, or laundry at home. A big part of this decision process revolves around trying to take as little as possible home. Laundry at home would necessitate taking a lot home. Laundry here would involve paying and taking time away from packing and other activities.

I don't mind doing laundry, but I hate doing it publicly. I have odd notions regarding my privacy. It freaks me out that a stranger might touch my clothes. Even when I know full well that the time has not yet expired, I check back constantly on my clothes. So home might be a better option.
- - - - -
I hope I come back to Philly soon. It feels like home. The people I want to be around are here. Except potentially Jasmine. I don't know where she's going when she gets back from France, and neither does she. It could well be somewhere nearby, or not.
- - - - -
I want to be a part of the Philly improv scene. I feel guilty taking off at this stage, as things are beginning to develop. I'm scheming in 100 different ways right now, trying to make sure that I'm contributing something even it's just unreasonably far-fetched ideas. We just don't know enough about how to get performance time or build an audience. All we have are hair-brained schemes. And I keep throwing them on the pile.
- - - - -
Monday is the target departure date, with a return sometime after Christmas to finish up business here. Then the big departure on January 9th.

 

[Conklin]

Target departure pushed back one day. Tomorrow, Tuesday, I will meet with LeMar in New York City and we will see Harold night. Then I will proceed home to M-Town, 70 miles northwest of the city.
- - - - -
I haven't been to Harold night since February or March of 2002. Jasmine actually let me take her to Harold Night on Valentine's Day that year. For a second beat, we went to the Del Close Marathon on the fifth anniversary of our first date, July 12th 2003. The only way to heighten this and complete the triple will be to spend our honeymoon at CIF or something.
- - - - -
Status report:
Christmas shopping: incomplete
packing: incomplete
laundry & dishes: incomplete & incomplete
candy consumption: never, ever complete!
- - - - -
I can't wait to see Jasmine again. I can't wait to see Paris again. Leaving is still somewhat bittersweet.

Sorry I'm a broken record on this topic. It dominates much of my thought.
- - - - -
Sometimes I wish I had one of those clever gimmick journals. Embarrassingly earnest sincerity is not much of a gimmick.

 

[Conklin]

Back in M-Town. Family picked on me, I did my best to pick back. Saw four Harolds with LeMar tonight before making it home (and logged them in my improv journal because I was thinking earlier tonight that it was a shame I didn't keep track of these things anymore).

I want a community.

I'm sort of melancholy and tired; more another time.

 

[Conklin]

Christmas was fun. French phrase book, Paris guide, learn French CD-roms, suitcase. I guess people want me to be prepared to leave. Which I'm not entirely. I don't even mean emotionally. I mean physically. Packing is messed up. Everything's going to end up in hefty bags, i can feel it already.
- - - - -
Saw my first ASSSSSCAT, and it was hilarious. Ian Roberts is a genius.
- - - - -
Going back to Harold night on Tuesday. Yay me!
Then to Philly and my partially packed apartment. Boo me!
- - - - -
Philly is working on something.

Not my place to talk about it, nor would i want to jinx it.

Let's just say that I realized my improv CV does not look half bad. Nobody else's does either.

 

[Conklin]

crazy pill-head on the loose!

Thoughts while waiting for my 20 milligrizzles of ritalizzle to kick in...
- - - - -
I love Harold night! Four awesome Harolds each Tuesday two weeks in a row, with an ASSSSSCAT in the middle. Sweet!

I love improv. As much as I loved watching, I got an itch that can only be scratched by some scenework. And it's not in the cards -- between my packing and the holidays pulling people out of town, there just isn't any opportunity before I leave. Solo park-prov in Paris is the only option. Which is kind of intimidating but kind of exciting.
- - - - -
I tied the drawstrings of my pajama pants to the arms of the chair and now I can't get them undone. I think the ritalin needs a couple more minutes.
- - - - -
I hate it when dudes I'm avoiding on the street come with the line "Not all black men are dangerous." Stupid guilt trip. Without fail they're asking for money. I avoid everyone at 3:00am. Sometimes I avoid everyone all the time. People suck pretty hard.
- - - - -
I think the medicine is working. That's what happens when you type slowly while wandering around the house. Your journal entries end up short.

time to pack.

 

[Conklin]

Seeing all this improv in the past week has reminded me of something. A note I constantly gave the Throng both when I was performing with them and this past semester when I was sort of an advisor emeritus was to let what your partner says and does affect you. In a college group, or in Philly where the scene is underdeveloped, you can stand out merely by being smart, fast, and funny. Seeing all of those shows this past week however really drove home the fact that at the UCBT level everyone is smart, fast, and funny. It's hard to be smarter, faster, and funnier enough to shine. The difference between good players and great players is an emotional side to the work and a vulnerability to what is happening in the scene. Always having the snappy comeback is what happens in sitcoms and sitcoms by and large are lame. At ASSSSCAT Ian Roberts was particularly good at being affected, which is why I called him a genius several entries ago.
- - - - -
Big ups to rowdiness! To anyone who got an inappropriate phone call from me (I can think of two off the top of my head) I apologize.

Also I saw some of the Mummers Parade today. It's pretty and cool. I approve.
- - - - -
pack pack pack pack.

 

[Conklin]

I am back from my first stint in Paris.

It has been excellent for my mental health and confidence. I get to walk around and ignore everybody because I have no idea what the hell anyone is saying. Since I pay no heed I am by default the coolest person around, and now I feel good about myself. Like magic it is!

I'm even writing poetry again, which I haven't done in years. And I have an insane theory of improvisation, which is making me smile. I have to talk to some people before I decide to post anything about it though.

Come see me perform on Friday. Awesome.

[did i just type awesome?]

 

[Conklin]

you're so pretty when your unfaithful to me

I had to learn the new guiding principles of the Rare Bird Show in one night and perform the next. Luckily the idea of it was not particularly different from what I've been thinking about, but the metaphorical conception of it is slightly different (and slightly the same). Also I had to shake off the rust. Aw crap, the rust.

It took the first RBS rehearsal to get over the rust, and the subsequent mixed practice group to start doing something interesting. By showtime I did not feel rusty.

Runners from the show include: transposition of colors and numbers, idiots, making friends through yelling, playing nonsensical games, ghosts, candy, and dental hygiene.

Suggestion: toothpaste.

I felt very comfortable with Matt and Nathan despite the layoff. Alexis and I have history to spare so I wasn't that concerned about that, but with Matt and Nathan I had only been together a couple months before taking of for 3 months. I was shocked and delighted by the potency of the group mind, particularly with listening, calling back, and heightening. We developed a pretty tight web of associations (see above) but managed to make everything feel organic and easy -- not one callback was forced.

Afterward, a nice evening of hanging out in a well mixed group of improvisers and civilians.

 

[Conklin]

some thoughts

"What I am saying does not mean that there will henceforth be no form in art. It only means that there will be a new form, and that this form will be of such a type that it admits the chaos and does not try to say the chaos is really something else... To find a form that accomodates the mess, that is the task of the artist now."

-Samuel Beckett

- - - - -

Still in Philly. Screwed up with Daylight savings and train schedules and whatnot.

P.B.A. met last night. P.B.A. is a screwed-up joke of a group that I happen to be part of that also happens to be a very good ensemble. Runners included: deities/religious officials with STDs, and throwing stuff down a well to avoid dealing with it. The last scene involved me yelling "I'm going to throw the President down this well on the moon." It was textbook heightening at its absolute best.

- - - - -

WAWA!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

 

[Conklin]

try a little tenderness.

UPDATE!
*Home in Upstate NY. Went to see The Ladykillers tonight with my family and enjoyed it immensely.
*I think Jasmine is basically decided on where she will attend grad school next year. I will post when it's official.
*I miss Wawa already. I went about 3 times in 4 days while I was in Philly.
*I miss improv.
*I miss my improv friends.
*I miss Jasmine.
*My family is getting along swimmingly despite the distinct impediment of being nutty.
*My brother and I hope to catch something(s) at UCBT Saturday night.
*I fly back to France on Sunday night.
*I have no idea what the future holds for me. Still.
- - - - -
I'm a little funky and contemplative tonight. I feel like I belong in Philadelphia. It felt entirely obvious that these are the people I want to be with and the projects I want to be working on, etc. But it's almost certainly not going to happen. Barring something unpredictably insane of course (my standard disclaimer). It's crappy to feel torn between two first choices: my ideal improv situation and (imagine a great voice-over type voice here) the woman I love. I'm such a gaydick sometimes.

 

[Conklin]

Go 'Heels!

Jas is going to UNC Chapel Hill! This is good news and scary news. There are a ton of logistical things to take care of and work out &c. Mostly right now I'm thinking about the improv though. I'm excited to be going somewhere with improv (some of the other grad schools were very unappealing on that front). I am scared about meeting new people and starting over. I am scared that my troupe in Philly (and my friends in Philly) are going to move on without me. I am worried I will be seen as abandoning them, which those I've talked to about this assure me isn't the case, but I wonder how they could help but feel that way.

Still, I have a lot to learn and NC is a great place to do it. The few people I've met there struck me for the most part as pretty great. So I hope I'll be okay.

 

[Conklin]

if i must coin a word, it shall be the last one in the entry.

I've got the internet in front of me, a CD playing, a DVD going, a sack of goldfish crackers and a glass of rootbeer. There's a bag of books that I purchased from the used bookstore the other day sitting next to me. I have no idea what I want right now. Stupid trip to goddamn philly. I was over improv by the time I came home from Paris. I missed it without feeling empty. My brother and I won't be making it to the UCBT this saturday. No Respecto, no Mother. So that's sort of it for improv for the next couple months. That's fucking it. and it's totally douchetarded.

 

[Conklin]

Greetings from Paris!

I am typing this from an internet cafe across the street from the delightful Luxembourg Garden. It's not really a cafe as there is no coffee or pastry. Just computers. Maybe I'm in a for-profit computer lab. Whatever.

The trip back was uneventful. On the plane I read and listened to CDs and ignored the movie (I've already forgotten which movie was shown). I'm jetlagged to hell because my schedule over the last two weeks when I was in the US was so crappy that the lack of sleep and bizarre hours are catching up at the same time I shifted my time by a quarter of a day. Jasmine is enjoying it as I have never been jetlagged before -- after about 24 hours I've been good to go both of the previous times I've been here.
- - - - -
I've had a little bit of contact with some people from NC/DSI and I am excited to join them. I am a bit scared by the fact that we have no idea how to get our stuff down there or find a place or anything. And Paris is eating into our savings so we won't have much setup money. I am a compulsive worrier. This is a huge move, we have no car, don't know the area, money will be tight, and I have no idea what I'm going to do about a job. I'm thinking about teaching, but it intimidates me greatly, much more than you'd expect from someone who enjoys going up on stage in front of numerous strangers with no idea what the hell he's going to say/do and try to entertain them. I don't know if the teaching scares me more or the idea of actually taking a real job. As long as I'm working something crappy I can pretend like it's temporary (see early entries for more info about my employment travails.

If you know anything about anything that might alleviate my fears, please feel free to contact me.
- - - - -
on IM? this guy!

a geographical hermit no more. Thanks, internet.
- - - - -
The weather is good. Once I am back to full strength (see the beginning of this entry for info about my jetlag) I might try "solo park-prov" as discussed many months ago with LeMar. There are enough English speakers around that I might attract some audience.

I want to make a big sign that says "No Donations Please!"
- - - - -
Hopefully I'll be back in like a week/week and a half. A bientot! (Roughly translated, that means "This is all you're going to get, assholes!")

 

[Conklin]

I'm getting married.
that is all.

 

[Conklin]

I am back in the US now. Things to do (in roughly chronological order):
unpack
plan wedding
relearn to improvise (in Philly, so i had better pack again)
get married (after coming back from Philly, so I'll have to unpack)
go to DCM
pack
go to UNC

also mixed in there is take the GREs and decide what i want out of continuing my education, but i don't have a timetable for that and they might really end up being more autumn projects anyway.

 

[Conklin]

Wedding: July 17th.
DCM performance: 3:30pm, July 30th, Producer's Club.
Chapel Hill arrival: August 16th.

Philadelphia visit: TBA.

- - - - -

Hopefully Philly will happen in the second week in July, leaving me plenty of time on either side for wedding stuff.

- - - - -

I'm afraid i looked like a hata on the DSI boards. Way to make a great first impression, ass. Seriously, i love everything.

 

[Conklin]

As I type this, my fiancée is upstairs in a very heated argument with her parents. They are fighting over the menu for our wedding. As Jasmine and I are both vegetarians, it was important to us not to serve meat at the wedding. It is seemingly very important to her parents (who are paying for the event) to serve meet. This issue has been avoided for weeks, maybe months. The wedding is 12 days away and we're meeting the caterer tomorrow.

I don't know what I should do. I feel like a dick. I should be helping her somehow. If I go up there I might very well say the wrong thing and jeopardize the wedding however. I am seething with a combination of indignation and self-loathing. Our principles are being challenged and I'm not stepping up. I'm not there for her. I can't make it right. I can't even go to her and comfort her right now. I feel like shit.

I had better end this before someone comes down here.

 

[Conklin]

This is the entry where I steal Simpsons bit (that they stole from vaudeville)

I'm no longer questioning my worth as a man and a husband to be.
-That's good!

I think we hurt Jas's family pretty bad when we took off 3 days ahead of schedule and told them we were uncomfortable in their house because we don't feel respected.
-That's bad.

We're comfortably situated with my family in upstate NY, and they support us unequivocally.
-That's good!

They also support our right to go through the 70 or so boxes we've left in their attic for the past 6 months since leaving Philly.
-That's bad.

The boxes contain cool stuff.
-That's good!

We have no way of getting it to North Carolina.
-That's bad.

I'm back to my usual, playful self.
-That's good!

As usual, my playful bit has gone on too long.
-That's bad.

I'm done now.
-That's good!

- - - - -

In an alternate universe, my mom is an improv legend. She did anti-meat bits last night that not only cracked me up but included outstanding object work. And she's not even a vegetarian.

Don't tell her I said she was funny. She'd never let me live it down.