I’m totally back. From the outskirts of the tatooine desert city of Bestine, i looked into the heavens to breathe some fresh air and instead noticed it was polluted by 2 fucking star destroyers. What a lame piece of narrative forshadowing. But how bad had it gotten? Things cant be that bad. I’ve only been gone a few months. I've still got my awesome space house to go back to. I’ve still got my space fraternity called "The Ghosts" to hang out with, and an entire city called "Tweedleville" which is just swarming with rad space people just waiting to pop up and be like "dude, yer back, hey smoke this" and stuff. But nobody knows I’m back yet! I cant be a badass if nobody knows WHEN I return to STUFF.
I MUST LET EVERYONE KNOW IM BACK!
I saw some storm troopers on the outskirts of Bestine city and decided they would be the first SPACE-PEOPLE I let know that IM BACK.
Me: IM BACK!
Storm trooper: Stay where you are. Prepare to be scanned for contraband.
Me: Ok...
but I’m back.
MOTHERFUCKER!. Its a Space shakedown. Im so busted. I hoping this guy wouldn’t check up my ass cause that’s where i hide all my spaceweed. I got lucky and he didn’t search my ass. After a few seconds, he told me to move along. I left wondering if I had been profiled because of my sideburns and long hair. Im definitely gonna need to visit the barber soon. I dont want to get stopped all the time, especially with paraphanalia (of any kind)in my ass.
Since my energy was low, I went into the Bestine City Cantina to get a Lap Dance (about SPACE).
I met a totally rad chick and I told her i was back and she was all into me which is mega-awesome. She said my name a lot and she healed me but she didn’t show me her
boobies. I then angrily left the bar to find more awesome people to tell that IM BACK who ACTUALLY WILL show me there
boobies.
Wait I have a Space house! and a Space guild! And a Space city! I KNOW those guys will surely want to know that im back! I quickly got my bike out and made the 5 minute ride to Tweedleville. The whole ride there I couldn’t help but think how nice it was gonna be to be back home. I wondered what sorts of things had been added to the city since I left and how big the guild membership had gotten. I also wondered why some space creatures have 4 legs and some only 2.
After a 5 minute ride, I had made it all the way to the outskirts of Tweedleville, when suddenly I had to hit the brakes (in a cool way). Something was very wrong. There should totally be houses here. I worriedly got back on my bike and took off strait for my house. Not good, I passed by a few more randomly placed houses and the guild hall. I was almost home when I had to do that same dramatic fast brake power slide maneuver again. oh shit. (that was awesome! but look!)
I slowly got off my bike, and dropped to my knees.
MY FUCKING HOUSE WAS GONE.
In complete denial, I quickly got back on my bike and again drove up to the spot where my house used to be hoping it might be magicaly be there this time. Obviously, this idea was really awesome, but unfortunately, it totaly didnt work. My house was gone. Along with all the personal items i had in it. In retrospect, I assume it was because I didn’t pay my taxes. (Seriously, I had taxes on the house and NEVER paid them) But being so in the moment, I was just too wicked awesome to attempt any sessions of logical thinking. The only thing i could think about was finding someone responsible for this and ninja kick them in the head (and then slaughter them if that ninja kick went pretty well) Someone must pay. But who?
In any real city, The mayor is always responsible for the towns well being. If the town catches fire, it’s the mayor's fault. In Space, it’s no different. If I don’t pay my taxes,
Its the mayor's fault.
Tweedledum is the mayor...
I quickly ran into the guild hall. I went right up to the City Terminal and electronicly removed myself from the guild. I then took my pistol out and walked around town like a maniac hoping to find Tweedledum. After searching for him for 2 minutes and not finding him, I then climbed to the top of the guildhall tower, took out my high-powered space sniper rifle, and waited for random pedestrians to walk by. After 2 more minutes and no sign of pedestrians, I disappointedly climbed back down to the ground and angrily got back on my space bike. I was really really angry.
I rode off towards the sunset. I didn’t know where i was going but it didnt matter anyways. I was so sure I could find a completely worthy opponent to be the one responsible for repo'ing my house.
As I rode out to the middle of nowhere I saw a sand crawler (a large moving space-condo on tank-treads) suddenly appear. This had to be a sign. WHOEVER IS DRIVING THAT SANDCRAWLER IS RESPONSIBLE!! I sped towards the moving condo with blinding speed! The "Duel of the Fates" star wars theme song was playing IN MY MIND. I was going to explode at ANY MOMENT!!! As soon as I got there, I took my rifle out, I jumped off my bike, and I let the slaughter begin!
It took time, skill, strength. But by the end of the day...
I had killed all 7 midgets responsible.
