From Japan, With Wasabi Kisses...

[Vanessa]

"Do you know CUM? C-U-M?" asked Mr. Ishijima, a member of my weekly English conversation class, as we chatted in a local family restaurant. The other members of my class (5 middle-aged businessmen) looked towards me expectantly. I put on my best 'I don't, as yet, have any idea what you are talking about, so please extrapolate' face and tilted my head to the side (typically Japanese gesture of incomprehension). "CUM SHAFT" he elaborated, making some gestures. The others nodded in agreement, and murmured "cum shaft", still waiting to see if I know it. At this point I started laughing hysterically. It was the ridiculousness of the situation, which became rapidly funnier and funnier as they all began to try to make me understand. "OVERHEAD CUM" they shout, making overhead gestures with their hands. Mr. Takano passes me his fan and a glass of water in concern for my health. "DOUBLE OVERHEAD CUM" elaborates Mr. Ishijima, now more than a little confused. That makes 7 of us... Finally, I ask them to look up 'cum' in their high-tech portable electronic dictionaries. Mr. Lucky Rice Field's (that's what the kanji for his last name means - my witty nickname for him) dictionary cost over a hundred and fifty quid and does in fact contain the word 'cum'. The rest of the class dissolve into nervous, also slightly hysterical laughter, when they realize what they have been shouting at me, with the gesture too! Gotta watch those double overhead cum shafts. I take a big breath. Turns out they were talking about D.O.H.C. shaft engines or some such nonsense. The 'C' stands for CAM, not CUM...

Of all the pronunciation difficulties the Japanese have with English (there is no 'B' or 'th' sounds in Japanese, also 'R' and 'L' have exactly the same sound) the 'A' and 'U' confusion seems the most innocuous. Or so it had seemed previously to this incident - but there's nothing like a good laugh to lighten things up, eh!

After that things lightened up considerably. The class even felt comfortable enough after that to ask me what noise a poo makes in English when it falls in the toilet. (Plop, obviously). Japanese is very onomatopoeic, and has at least 2 sounds for this, one being 'pocham' and another being 'boton'. Guess which word is for the light poo and which is for the heavy one!

Miscommunication makes everyday in Japan exciting.

I have to go now, it's a Friday and I am going to the local 'gaijin' (foreigner) watering hole - The Sitting Bull - or in Japlish, 'Za Shittingu Buru'.

 

[Vanessa]

The Joy of Speech Contests

Student: Herrrrroooo Banessa!
Me: Hello Takeshi. How are you?
Student: How are you?
Me: No, how are YOU? (pointing at student)
Student: Eh?
Me: Are you happy? (exaggerated gestures)
Student: Ore? (Me?)
Me: Happy?
Student: Eigi wakaranai yo. (I don't understand English)
Me: Happy? (threateningly voiced)
Student: No.
Me: Bugger off then. (thought, not said).

Some Junior High school students are rather reluctant to speak English.

Some, however, are not. So they sign up for the self-imposed torture of speech contests. Granted, speech contests are a 'good opportunity' for the students to practice speaking English, but I don't really understand why it is that they actually WANT to do them. When I was 12-15 years old, signing up the opportunity to try word-for-word memorization of a 2+ minute speech in a foreign language (which I didn't even write, and to be read first in front of the whole school, and then in front of a panel of teachers - including native speakers) would NOT have been something I'd have be willing to do!

"It was my first time. My heart was beating fast. I was very nervous. I looked down and I saw something big..."

This is an actual quote from one of the speeches I had to coach last year! It was about changing a nappy in a daycare centre - the big thing was a poo. The above sentences being the first of the speech, there certainly were some raised eyebrows in the auditorium when the nice and cute 13 year old girl came out with them!

Well. Must go. I have to coach a speech about tasty fresh vegetables now.

No, really I do. ..

 

[Vanessa]

Tales from Fukiage Junior High School...

The speech contest is finally over, and I now have some spare time to write my journal... Yippee! No more coaxing reluctant spotty youths to enunciate and gesticulate! Hmm...

Actually, I was really quite busy around speech contest time because I was coaching 6 kids from 2 different Junior High Schools. They were so cute, but unfortunately only 1 of them won a prize (ahem, no reflection on the coach whatsoever). Well, it's 'good experience', isn't it? I told the kids that winning isn't important, but they still feel bad when they don't win - after all that bloody practising in front of the mirror with a hairbrush. I got the following letter from the most lovely 2nd grader (about 13 years old):

Dear Vanessa
Hello Vanessa. My name is Eri. Thank you for English speech. It's diffecult to me. But you teach me so kind. Thank you very much. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you.

She thrust it in my palm after English class saying "I'm sorry, Banessa-sensai, I'm sorry!" with true heartful sincerity. I felt like a total slave driver and tears welled up in our eyes... man, I love those kids so much I want to eat them up.

I've been exchanging a lot of letters with Junior High School students recently, it's my pet project to try to communicate with the kids more. They are shy at that age (12-15) and my superstar image with that age group doesn't enhance relations beyond shouting 'I am Japanese boy!' (they shout that, not me). I told them if they write to me in English or Japanese I will answer their letter in English and give them a 'purikura' ( a small photograph sticker) of me. I got about 50 letters in 7 days during my last visit to JHS, it kept me rather busy answering them. In fact, sometimes it's surprisingly difficult to reply the letters I receive...

Here are some examples of students' letters:

Dear Vanessa,
Hi Vanessa! How are you? I'm fine!! I like English. How about you? I hope that you like English. Do you like Japanese history? I'm not like Japanese history. Because Japan is killed Korean people the old days. How about you?

No, Fumio, I have never killed a Korean person (to my knowledge).

Dear Vanessa,
Hello. My name Yuko . How are you? I'm fine. You are sexy body. I want you are sexy body. You are cute and pretty. I love you forever. See you.

Thank you, Yuko, here's a sticker.

 

[Vanessa]

TEENAGE FANCLUB

In Japan, only males under 15 are interested in me. One of my most fond memories from a visit to Higashi Junior High involved all boys from class 1-3 forming a line, and each saying in turn "Miss Vanessa, you are beautiful." I rewarded each of them with a Harry Potter sticker.

Was that proper professional 'Assistant Language Teacher' conduct??

 

[Vanessa]

Mr. Meek and Mr. Macho

Before I begin, I'd like to say I hate to stereotype. But I don't, I love it. I love it even more when I meet people who fit exactly into a pigeonhole I already have made. It's so convenient!

With that, in mind, I'd like to tell you about Mr. Meek and Mr. Macho. My friend/co-worker Lauren and I met these two charming gents when we went (as you do) to a dinner party given by the deputy mayor, Mr. Kawa, and his wife. I think they might have been trying, in a vague way, to match-make - as we were all 'singletons'. It had the potential to be a really lovely evening; Mr. and Mrs. Kawa entertain enthusiastically in their beautiful, traditional, and just recently restored house in the country. Mr. Kawa paints, his wife is a great cook, and they both go out of their way to make a relaxing and pleasant atmosphere.

Anyway, not to be horrendously big-headed, but me and Lauren are pretty nice girls, intelligent, attractive, blond and blue-eyed. I'd have thought that - noting these attributes of ours - the other guests may have chosen to be on their best behaviour. The other guests were two Japanese men, journalists in their 30's. As we sat around the table Lauren and I attempted to initiate conversation, in English and Japanese, as to not leave anyone out. Audacious Mr. Macho was eager to use English, but his colleague Mr. Meek was rather reluctant, in spite in his good ability. Somewhat strainedly, the conversation progressed, as usual, to the fascinating topic of Japanese food. Someone mentioned Lauren's penchant for 'inari' (eel). "Oh! Mr. Meek knows a great inari restaurant," said Mr. Macho, "he should take Lauren there sometime!". The seemingly over-polite Mr. Meek's reaction was totally unforseeable: "NO! NO! NO!" he bellowed, waving his hands vigorously in front of his face in the Japanese gesture of refusal. The rest of the guests were somewhat taken aback at the strength of his feelings, especially given his shy and sheepish behaviour until that point. Guess the thought of taking a gaijin (foreign) girl out in public was just too much to bear.

Meanwhile, Mr. Macho had imbibed the expensive bottle of sake (he boasted about bringing) almost entirely by himself... Well, with a little help from me - I love sake. He was decidedly red in the face when he turned to me and said "Pass me the other bottle of sake". I glanced over the table, and not seeing any sake, I turned around to scan the room. I spotted the sake, far away, in a corner. "It's just as far away for me as it is for you!" I said to Mr. Macho. This didn't seem to unduly bother him, so rolling my eyes I got up (we are sitting on floor cushions) and walked over to retrive the sake. When I returned I placed the sake on the table. Mr. Macho grunted. "Would you like me to open it for you, too?" I asked him sarcastically. He replied in the affirmative, missing the sarcasm entirely. All the women in the room were really laughing as I proceeded to do so with exaggerated ceremony, and poured him another glass from a submissive kneeling position. He didn't notice, but poured down his gaping gob with great gusto.

And I bet he wonders why no-one's snapped him up yet.

 

[Vanessa]

RICE BALL = YES

The Kocho-sensei (principal) of Higashi Junior High School is a kindly chap with a friendly face, who always stops by my desk to ask about classes I'll have that day. He endears himself to me by his enthusiasm for using the occasional word of English, though his command of English is rather minimal. Last year at Higashi I experienced a profound incident of communication failure with Kocho-sensai that always makes me giggle when I think about it.

At lunchtime, as the teachers were sat around a large table eating lunch, Kocho-sensai knocked on the table to get my attention (guess he couldn't remember my name!). Not used to being summoned in this manner, I didn't look over at first, until his rapping became more frantic. When he caught my eye, he cupped his hands, clapped them together and said "RICE BALL".

Surprisedly, I looked to him for further explanation. None was given. Again, he clapped his cupped hands together and said (declared?) "RICE BALL". I smiled at him. And again, "RICE BALL". I looked around the table. All the other teachers were determedly eating their lunches and avoiding acknowledging the communication breakdown they were witnessing... bastards.

I returned my attention to Kocho-sensei as he, more frantically, clapped away and stated authoritatively: "RICE BALL". "Mmm-hmm" I ventured, raising my eyebrows. Unfortunately, he still continued earnestly - and unfazedly - on, "RICE BALL" clap, clap, clap. "Yes." I said falteringly. He looked relieved. "YES" he repeated, and continued to eat his lunch.

CONCLUSION: Kocho-sensai was demonstrating the universal gesture for RICE BALL. The correct reply is YES.

 

[Vanessa]

SHIT FIELD = NO

My friend and next-door neighbour, Jason, has a very appealing little black lab-mix dog called Sakura (what exactly she is mixed with I don't know, as mum is big and blond). A few months ago, on a mild and sunny Sunday, my friend Amy and I told Jason we were planning on going to the park to relax. He said he couldn't come along, but asked if we wouldn't mind taking Sakura along. We thought it would be nice for her, so off we all went in the car to the big local park.

Me, Amy, and Sakura strolled through the park looking for somewhere to spread out the blanket and sit down. Just past a nice pond (with lots of koi carp and ducks) was a field in which no-one else was sitting. It looked ideal, so we sat down and unpacked our books, snacks, frisbee, etc. Sakura lay down on the long grass. "Do you reckon it would be alright to let Sakura off the lead?" I asked Amy. "Yeah - why not?" she said, "looks like she's alright sitting there." (or words to that effect).

As soon as we let her off the lead, she took off running for the pond. As she obviously would - how stupid are we? She remembered seeing the juicy carp and ducks - mmm. We ran and shouted after her, but by the time we reached the pond she was already in it, barking and chasing the ducks around. We shouted at her to come back, but she wouldn't. She began chasing a particularly vapid duck up a stream that led under a bridge, and out of the pond. We couldn't stop her. A crowd gathered. Amy and I followed Sakura up and down, up and down, for at least 20 minutes. She was getting tired, but she knew she would be in big trouble when she got out, so she kept on trying to get the damn duck. By this time she was letting out exhausted yelps. The crowd increased. Look at those stupid foreigners who let their dog off the lead, they thought. We were fed up of shouting, felt like complete twats, and tired of being more of a crowd-gathering spectacle than normal by this time. Then, someone had the bright idea of getting a big stick and prodding Sakura with it, from the bridge. Sakura gave up, and a bloke hauled her out. We told her off, tied her to a tree, and tried to recapture our Sunday afternoon feeling.

It was however. impossible. There were still some old farts gathered on the bridge who obviously had nothing better to do than stare at us. And stare they did. It was really pissing us off. The sun went behind a cloud. We decided to leave. We folded up the blanket and packed up, then left the field by different gate than we had entered. Just then, we noticed a sign. It was written in Japanese of course, but we were able to read the kanji and deduce the meaning. The meaning was 'THIS IS THE FIELD FOR DOGS TO SHIT IN' . The old guys on the bridge must have wanted to tell us, but thought we wouldn't understand...

Perhaps it's better if you don't, sometimes.

 

[Vanessa]

The Sublime and the Ridiculous

When Westerners arrive in Japan, toilets can, oddly enough, be a major source of surprise, fear and excitement. The reason is, that in Japan, the toilets range from the sublime to the ridiculous. Mostly, they are either sublime or ridiculous. But they are almost always interesting, and almost everyone who is not Japanese has an opinion on them.

Firstly, the sublime. Some toilets in Japan are better than you could have ever hoped for. My own toilet at home is pretty damn good, it has an electrically warmed seat. I never used to read on the loo, but now it is coming cold again, I am thinking about taking it up. But my own lowly toilet is a that of a mere peasant, when compared to the toilet fit for the arse of Royalty that graces my workplace, the Board of Education. This toilet really has it all. Of course, it has an adjustable heated seat. It also has a button you can press which plays the sound of a waterfall, to cover up the highly offensive sound of urination. *To disgress slightly, did you know that all Japanese women flush the toilet as they wee if the toilet is not equipped with such a diverting noise-making device? What a truly ridiculous and wasteful habit.* The loo at work also doubles as a bidet, it has both a bottom, and a 'front bottom' (labelled respectively as 'shower' and 'charm' on the buttons!) spray option. A little nozzle emerges when you press the button, and directs a forceful jet at your bits. I know this nozzle emerges because I looked; unfortunately without my bottom on the loo I received an unexpected shower. After you feel refreshed, you can press another button which directs hot air at your arse to dry it off. Lovely!

Next, the ridiculous. These toilets are worse then you could have possibly imagined. Traditional Japanese toilets are the squat style. The idea of squatting is not so offensive to me in concept, as I think it's probably good for you. However, in practice, these toilets can take some getting used to. They usually reek, because people pee on the floor when they miss. Also, as a woman, I don't know how it would be possible to direct one's flow. I don't know where it's going to go! I have no control over that. (If anyone has any tips, feel free to pass them on!). So, more often than not, I pee on my shoe. But, this minor inconvenience pales in significance compared to that experienced by my friend, who shall remain unnamed, but loves unfeasibly large trousers. She basically has to take them off, or have them dangle in everyone's urine. Yikes!

Next, I have a story. It's about someone walking in on me in the loo by accident. This is embarassing at the best of times, but if you are on a Western style toilet it's not so bad really; no-one likes being caught with their trousers around their ankles, but the intruder can't really see anything much. I was, however, not using a Western toilet. I was using a squat one. In case you are unfamiliar with squat toilets, let me explain. You face the wall, squat, and hold on to something for support. Usually your arse is facing (?) towards the door. So, this is the position I was in while using a toilet in a sushi restaurant in Tokyo. To make things worse, for some reason the toilet was situated on a particularly high platform, which made it all the more explicit for the young man who walked in as I was using it. IRRASHIAMASE (WELCOME) TO MY ARSE! Wherever than man is now, I'd like to apologise for the trauma I must have caused him with my non-Japanese buttocks.

 

[Vanessa]

You are heavy drinker!

Actually, I lied. Not just boys under 15 find me attractive in Japan. Old men also do. They are usually at least over 50, and inebriated. Whenever our office has enkais (formal drinking parties) I suddenly find that all the old geezers who never usually talk to me, suddenly want to. I heard somewhere that Japanese people are missing an enzyme that allows people to process alcohol. Not being scientifically minded, I don't know really what this means, all I know is that most Japanese people I have met get wasted incredibly quickly. And their faces go bright red.

Japanese people seem to really respect 'strong' drinkers. People are sometimes shocked that I can drink beer, and do not become cerise and gibbering after 2 glasses. Because of that I have aquired a reputation as a 'heavy drinker'. Where I am from saying "You are heavy drinker" is not a compliment, nor something you would say to someone's face. I try not to be insulted when people say that to me, I know they respect it, and there is always a twinge of envy in their voices. At my colleague Lauren's welcome enkai though, I was actually quite pissed off when an announcement was made, over the microphone no less, that I love beer. People were constantly trying to pour it down my neck, that would have been o.k. on a weekend, but as I was trying to explain, it was a school day the next day. I don't think it's acceptable professional behaviour for a teacher to have a hangover! (Nobody seems to mind though, a Junior High teacher I was team-teaching with recently announced to the class that his liver was hurting because he drank too much the night before. Talk about setting a good example, eh!).

Anyhow, back to 50 plus year old men. There's a guy in my office, Mr. Tanaka, whose English ability directly corresponds to the colour of his face. "You are very young" he said as he filled my glass with sake, a couple of enkais ago. "You are very beautiful" he proceeded. "Thank-you" I said, "I didn't know you could speak English." "I am a rich man" he said, refilling my glass again. Jolly good! "You are very ACTIVE" he said. I smiled politely. Not THAT active matey!