From Christmas 05 to Christmas 06: A Black Chick's Journal

[Shaun Landry]

ReCap of weekend through Quotes

If you thought you were intrusive? Then maybe sir you should have shut the hell up - Me on Saturday to an audience member on Acid being crazy during the final performance. Jammed packed house. People seemed to like it. I thought I was honestly mediocre.

It's like a sitcom house! Me to the woman throwing the after party while she is giving us the tour of her place two blocks from mine that only looks like it should reside in the Sitcom houses that you just know do not exist in the real world.

It's just chocolate Me to the really insanley high strung woman running the chocolate waterfall for this stupid stupid Sweet Sixteen party.

Do you want your drums covered in Cake? The fucking come to get them. here is your bass player - Me to the stoner fool on the phone who left their entire band gear in the area NNM spent hours cleaning...and was blocking the children to get onstage

Jesus. It's a closet for the love of god Me to the really insanly high strung mom and her relatively retarded crew standing and discussion wheater they should put this big ass cupcake close to the electrical closet door for fear someone would come THROUGH it. When I said twice in a row "It's a closet"

Sign the papers, or don't bother me with this bullshit - The Email I sent my really insanly insane sister after she blasted and email to myself and Angel about how we wanted to see her homeless. Nope. Don't want to deal with this bullshit any longer.

When I'm out of the house performing this week it has been great.

Then I get to come home and have what has been a really wonderful year dissrupted by this crazy ass bullshit.

More performing. I want kids.

I don't want kids *this bad*

 

[Shaun Landry]

Gift Visa

Just outta the blue. In the mail. Hans is here sick and Santa and Leather drops off money for me. And there is the thing in the mail.

Hans: Why do you have a gift Visa Card
Me: (looking at this thing) It does not look real. Throw it out.
Hans: No baby. I think this is real. It has all the paperwork with it and an activation card.

I look at this closely. I read the whole thing. Holy Shit. It is real. It is a gift Visa Card.

So I call the number. It's like I won something. I check to see how much is on the card and its twenty five dollars!

THEN I remember what this was for. I spent a while on a phone with a research company about internet connection a while back. And they said they would send me twenty five dollars. Who knew it would be a gift Visa Card! How neat. Like I won the mini lotto!

So I activate my gifty gift card and buy Hans (who is a home sick with what I had) some of his fave pizza from Deja Vu and get myself a basil tomato pasta meal with a salad and some soda.

Total cost of this take out meal?

22.00

Wee! In less than ten minutes having this card? I have three bucks left on it!

Sometimes its nice to tell the people on the phone that SBC Internet sucks my ass.

 

[Shaun Landry]

The Nicest email in the world.

I got an email from a friend passing along another email a few days ago to E.P.

It was pretty stunning. I met him almost twenty or so years ago when I was in Geese. So I sent him an email not thinking much about it. This cat is a pretty busy guy.

And he emailed me back. It was pretty much wonderful classic him. I guess his agent is going to call me to see if he would like to host one of the festival dates.

His tag made me smile.

your fellow slave to that cruel bitch goddess they call Laughter.

As the kids would say who come from Boston and move to The Bay?

This would be a hella wicked pissa.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Age and Honor

There is something about going to the local watering hole with people my age.

Me. Scott Keck. Kurt Bodden.

I'm 40 Kurt is 43. Scott is 47.

Something wonderful and special. We all head over after the Un-Scripted Auditions for "The Impossibe Film Project" (the same as what Neutrino does in New York)

I really belive in Un-Scripted. They are doing shit that not a lot of companies are doing. Really pushing the envelope of improvisational theater in San Francisco. I'm really proud to know them all. Professional. Talented and just plain good people.

And yeah. I got comp time. Use the space.

I get there for the audition with my headshot and resume. It is a whose who of improv people in the space. A lot of Middle School Poetry. People who have just gotten into BATS in the Guest Program. A lot of wonderful new faces I have never seen. A lot of old faces that I have not seen in a while.

I get there and fill out the paperwork. It seems everyone knows me. I unfortunately do not know everyone. That makes me suck with the conversations of "I met you at a Negro Show" Or ...."I saw you at a jam" or "Once we had sex".

Okay. The last one did not happen. Thank god.

I get there and Un-Scriped B pulls me over and asks if there is extra light. The auditions are basically being videotaped to give them an idea of who works on camera. I take them to the back room of the Climate and give them a big light to light up the joint.

Then I realize 'Shit. They can shoot on the roof" So I open up the Anon Salon and the Roof Too. For a shoot location? The Anon Salon, the roof and the breezeway downstairs is a literal playground of locations to use.

Use it. It sure as hell gives you more room to move for the three directors there.

I get back downstairs and they are already warming up.

Be it as it may. I just follow the directions...do what they say and do the best I can.

We rotate with different people and three different directors. First scene with Me, Kurt, Christian and Revolving Lovely. We head to the roof. It is a couple (me and Kurt) getting a hard sell on doing our wedding on the roof of the space

At one point? Christian and RM are rapid fire hard selling. the director turns the camera on me and Kurt and I just look at Kurt and say "Our best bet is just react with our faces" He so agrees. We just stand there and nervously smile and look at each other pensively.

Kurt holds onto my arm like it is the end of the world. I return the favor. Old Improvisers.

Second director. We go into the Breezeway. Thank fucking god me and Johnny cleaned out that breezeway. We all stand in the breezeway wondering what to do. Me, Andy, My Audition Gorgeous man from my class and new BATS person. With Brian.

I say "You know...this is the type of place like in Swingers where you enter for a party that is not announced with no sign.

And that is what we do. A.S plays the bouncer at the gate. I play a hard core black woman whose knows the bouncer who gets in everywhere for free.

He announces to me that DJ AM/PM is playing. It took all my might not to laugh at this. The other two play classic Marin County kids who try to be hip. They claim they are from MTV.

This is after a weekend of dealing with MTV. I'm out of the scene And I'm stomping my foot to stop laughing.

Final scene was me, Andy and Scott in the bar area of the Anon. The place has not been bussed and there is literally an open bottle of wine left out. I play a bartender at the end of the night. Scott plays my friend who tells me that at my age? Maybe I should stop being an actor working these shity jobs. He offers me a job at his accounting office.

I tell him I don't want to lose my heart. It was an incredible scene. At one point I POUR HIM a glass of the open wine from the bar and we both drink it.

At one point I feel tears welling up...but I just cant get the tears from my gut to my face. I feel this. I just can't produce them. so I open up a tonic can and burn my own eyes to produce tears.

I don't fuck around. This is real. The director is stunned and impressed by this. He is really good. and very smart with camera angles...stopping and picking up with dialogue. He is a perfect improv director.

I even had a chance to quote my favorite actor line to Andy. When he comes in to be my boss and I was finally through:

Me: You ever see any of Robert Townsend Movies?
Andy: No, I don't think so.
Me: Black Director. Did this thing call Hollywood shuffle (to Scott) you remember that?
Scott (now Smiling) oh yea I do.
Me: Well guess what (takes the open wine bottle and throws it in the garbage hard) THERE IS ALWAYS WORK AT THE POST OFFICE. I QUIT.

Andy leaves and then Both Scot and I realize that he has left all of his booze out. So I say "You know the great thing about working with that idiot? He left out all of his fucking booze" And both me and scott picked up the good booze Santa and Leather left out? And walked out of the scene.

Best thing I have done this week.

It was a good audition. Folks find out next Friday. My schedule is wicked horrible up to their actual show in august with the festival. But it would just be an honor to do this.

Me Scott and Kurt head to Rich's and we have adult drinks and talk about homes and loves and dating improvisers, and everything under the sun. A calm wonderful talk.

It is wonderful. So wonderfully wonderful. To hang out with people who *ARE MY AGE*

I get home. And I get an email from Jonathan Pitts to make it official.

I'm officially an Associate Artistic Director of The Chicago Improv Festival with this incredible lot of people

Jill Bernard – Minneapolis
Joe Bill – Chicago
Mark Chalfant – Washington, DC
R. Kevin Doyle – Honolulu
Deborah Frances-White– London, England
Jeff Griggs – Chicago
Kerry Griffith –Toronto, Canada
Naomi Ikegami– Tokyo, Japan
Wade Jackson – Auckland, New Zealand
Nick Johne – Chicago
Anthony King – New York
Will Luera – Boston
Billy Merritt – New York
Susan Messing – Chicago
Andrew Moskos – Amsterdam, Netherlands
Mick Napier – Chicago
Dan O’Conner – Los Angeles
Jesse Parent – Salk Lake City
Dave Razowsky – Los Angeles
Ed Reggi – St. Louis
Asaf Ronen – New York
Todd Stashwick – Los Angeles
Marianne Steinsrud – Oslo, Norway
Zach Ward – Chapel Hill

After the most horrific week last week. I cannot be more honored to be on this list.

Sufficed to say? It was a nice way to end the day.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Beyond the Fringe..American Idol and the Producers

I actually had a quasi day off. I sat down and watched the first of the two DVD's Hans bought. The first was "Beyond The Fringe" With Cook and Moore. It's the final farewell performance of that group.

The dress is classic. The same kind of era from The Second City 1961 tape that I have. It is drool English humor. Much slower to me than Pythons...and much more intellegent.

And looking at the Ensemble. It's pretty amazing. In the scheme of Sketch Comedy? Dudley Moore was honestly the piano player. It was like someone said "You know...we need to get a piano player. Hey. I know this guy who is really good. Oh. He's kind of funny too"

And he was the most popular out of them all. The irony. I read the bios of both Cook and Moore on this DVD and to be honest? Cook's life was fucking tragic.

Big fucking unstable lush with a jelousy streak for anyone who did better than him....who basically drank himself to death.

Never was a big fan of the cat. And to be honest? He just comes off plain damn mean onstage.

After Negro Rehearsal at the space ...we headed home to get Hans in bed. I watched the end of American Idol.

My favorite part? Prince. Here is the thing. When you got two singers who have the personalities either of a slug or a spaz attack? You probably don't want to put an icon on before them. Just the idea that Prince went on..killed...stolled off and did not say shit to Seacrest?

Fucking worth turning this show on for.

And the big whoop and hollering that this show brings and everyone saying how this Taylor guy should not win...and Simon Cowell sitting in his chair stunned and unhappy?

American *deserves* this mediocre yet lovable dork of a guy. We so deserve this guy. I have gone to the Mint here in San Francisco and seen better renditions of Time of My life done by two total strangers with four martinis in them.

We so deserve mediocrity. It is what this country is based on. People with little to no talent getting their comeuppence.

Hurray for middleline talent!

I then turn that off and wash my mind of this show by watching people with Actual talent. Or at least some major chops.

I watched the newest movie we got on DVD: The Producers. I wanted the movie the moment we saw it in the movie theater and was selected as the test audience.

The outtakes and the deleted musical numbers is worth the buy.

Nathan Lane just channels Zero Mostel at some points of the movie. And "Keep it Gay" Just makes me laugh outloud.

A movie, turned into a musical...turned into a movie about the musical...

...and memorized in a thread.

Seems to me this piece of work will never die. And thank god for that. When television sucks my chode the way it did tonight.

I can turn on the producers and watch people who know how to dance, sing and be funny.

 

[Shaun Landry]

The Big Weekend

Lately the last couple of weekends have been out of control. With shows, and parties and all sorts of things I have been invited to.

This weekend is just a little more out of control than usual.

Friday: Lady who lunch with a re-connect to an improviser. The evening is The Onion One Year Anniversay Party I have been invited to. I asked for three tickets weeks ago (one for me and someone who wanted it) and Hans has just not feeling well to really attend. So I need a date. I email Joe/Jay and Justin to see if they want to be my White Onion Boy Toys for the party. I'm starting to hate going Stagg to these things. If they can't go...I might just hawk the tickets to some lucky person on the street.

Hey..you are waiting in line? Wanna come in? Like Studio 54 or something.

Last year the Party line (according to folks from Storybox) was around the frigging block to get in. This year will probably be the same because they have some big name musical guest coming in. I would personally shit myself if it is the remaining Dead Kennedy's. Just shit myself.

Saturday is the preview of Read You Like a Book. This date has snuck up on me fast and Hans had to remind me of it. And here goes that quesy feeling. My fat ass on wide screen. It is unnerving There is a lunch afterwards with the cast and crew that I will probably sneak away from. I just don't know if I want to stay around if I think this movie is really bad.

One of the volunteers told me that I should be promoting the idea that I'm in a movie for the Festival. Right. Until the damn thing physically comes out? And I don't think I suck? This movie is for myself and my blog.

Just give me the DVD non released version for B Roll and let me run away.

Next week on Wednesday I go into a photo Shoot I got booked into with Plush Studios (http://www.plushstudios.com) in San Rafeal. They are doing stock photos and asked me to come in and pose.

I go in hopefully Monday to get my braids re-done and my eyebrows plucked.

It starts getting wild in the next couple of weeks with the festival. Thank god for the Volunteers and support from folks.

Wild Ride. everything is a wild ride.

 

[Shaun Landry]

24 Hours before Nausea

I'm just going to party really hard tonight. This is the plan. Party really hard at This Onion Party. And be good and hung over to see this movie at The Shattuck Cinema tomorrow morning.

Maybe I should just start drinking now and keep drinking. Because, you know...that is healthy and grounded.

I'm so nervous sick right now its stupid. Just really really stupid. I talked to the director of the movie this morning and I said "YOU GOT TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK"

and he said "oh no,no no...you have to come and see it". Oy. I told him if it was bad...I could maybe bring a powerpoint presentation of the cancer scare or something.

Turns out that Black will not be there. She is with her family. Ricardo (my scene partner) is in Isreal on tour and Pizoni is touring with Seattle Rep. He says Glover's Office will be there and Danny has promised he would try to make it.

Meanwhile I sent the first Onion Ad to Steve (again) and grill him on who this special guest is tonight.

It is not the Dead Kennedy's. It is so much better than the dead Kennedy's. I thank Onion Steve again for him getting a hold of me.

So Hans is coming out with me and Sunny justin is coming after work. I got my White Boy Onion Toys to flock me.

And at one I meet with the lovely H.C. A lady who lunch.

Maybe I should just start drinking at Basil. And see exactly how much booze I can consume from One to 10:30Pm

Because, you know....that is *grounded*

 

[Shaun Landry]

I just knew it.

The Onion Party was wicked fun. but here is the thing: Why do I take Hans out when I know he is going to fold into a pumpkin around 10:30?

He promised me "I won't pull you out of the party" Around the time the rapper was on? He wanted to go home. Missed the other bands including the opening band for Radiohead.

But we had a good time. got there early and the Mighty in San Francisco is just this beautiful place in the hardcore industrial area here?

"Is this Russia" was the battle cry of Onion Rafi outside having a smoke. It makes me laugh.

The music at the top of the event was just plain awesome. Really geared to people like me and Hans. Classic Late 60's Blues and R&B. It was kick ass awesome.

Justin comes and he is just being a wonderful social butterfly. He has that awesome hardcore NY gift of conversation that suits him well. Meanwhile it was difficult to chat with folks...because Hans was not in a talkative mood...and he was on me like White on rice.

They switch music to 80's and the "Drunk Girls" start dancing. That spastic sort of Drunk White Girl dancing with each other which is always sorta embarrassing from a woman-kind perspective.

"Woo! Dance with me Stephanie!! Woo! You're my best FRIEEEND! I love you you!!"

Embarrasing. Then Prince's soft and Wet comes on. Oh yeah. I'm going out for this. And Hans does too.

And we dance we really dance. People stop and watch. People applaud when we are done. I'm out of breath. I mean old lady Asthma out of breath. The lovely Lesbians and I talk a bit after the song is done...and this weird 80's rock song comes on...and The "Dance with me Stephanie" girls come back out and dance like Elaine from Seinfeld. People flee the floor and pretend its not happening.

The place is getting packed at this point and I head outside for air. There are two lovely guys (one a musician in a Punk Band) and we talk about Chicago and them wanting to move there. I run into them later where some lady dissed the musician guy...and me and his friend are now quoting Swingers

Me: YOU ARE MONEY MAN!
Him: They are the BUNNIES
Me: Yeah...and you have BIG TEETH AND YOU ARE ALL GRRRR...

First time all night Hans is laughing.

We go out and the rapper is now playing. Things seem to be running a bit behind...but I really want to stay. I have to pee. But For some reason I have gotten this wierd thing about female public bathrooms. You see? I don't want to be the chick in the stall farting and taking a dump and walking out and chicks staring at my ass. I don't want to keep flushing the toilet so people don't hear or smell me. I rather hold it. And I did. For about two hours.

And that is when Hans starts rubbing my back and giving me *that look* That look of Lets get out of here.

At ten.

I look him straight in the face and say "I know this would happen. I just fucking knew it"

The rapper is going...and he says "I can't understand a damn word he is saying"...I said "neither do I? But I want to watch this"...

More rubbing more sad miserable face...and I'm just through. Fucking fine. I just missed the headliner band because you don't want to stay and making me miserable in the process.

So we say our goodbyes to Justin and head out.

The thing with having a club in Russia and out in literally nowhere? No cabs. I run back into Money and his friend and they are in the same boat. We walk up to 16th and Portero to flag a cab. We share a cab and drop them off at the 16th Street BART...and we head home.

It is not 11:30. I'm totally sober and want to do something.

Boo. Just plain boo. I was having fun too. I felt all like a Rock star with the special tag and the Hummus and the flow of free booze. And walking up to the door for a smoke and seeing kids try to scam into the party by saying they were left off the list.

And the sea of kids. Young. Happy. Kids.

And all perspective improv patrons.

Good times. Super good times. I just need a younger husband.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Almost Adequate

In the car coming home from Berkeley

Me: I want to go to Basil
Hans: Lets just order food.
Me: I'm just needing to go out.
Hans: Come on! I had to watch you today be Almost Adequate...

OH! SNAP! All the people in the car just went AWW! SNAP. Hans just lauged. This was his way of shrinking my head back to average size.

I woke up this morning and had sex. I figure: If this movie was going to suck badly? At least I had sex in the morning.

I get dressed and I start feeling sick. Really sick. I can't stop sneezing. My nose is running. My stomach is in knots. I'm a holy mess of a girl. My body just rebelled on me. Bad.

We get there early and go to to the Starbucks next door for coffee. There are some extras who are there for the preview and we say hello to each other. I walk into the Shattuck Cinemas and look up. I was hoping the name of the movie would be up on the screen? But I realize it is a preview.

Pretty much everyone is there sans Gil, Pizzoni, Black and Danny did not show. But the place was jammed packed full of people, cast, crew family friends and a crap load of backers. I say my hellos to everyone and introduce them to Hans (of which no one has met).

They are not serving popcorn yet. What is up with THAT? I want popcorn. I need something to calm my stomach down and keep my hands busy.

Joe Bellen is there (He is one of the orginal members of both The Committee and the Mime Troupe). He had a "real" heart attack after the making of this film and has lost a lot of weight.

Him: How are you baby?
Me: You have to be friggin joking me. How the hell are YOU?
Him: Intersting.
Me: This is the deal. You don't die on my time.

They open up the Theater (and the concessions) and we head in. This is where I realized how large a movie screen actually *is* I really start getting nauseous. They have ropped off seats for the actors..so me, Joe, Tony Amedola (known for Stargate and being Sal bass in Seinfeld) sit in the back.

Hans gets popcorn. Some tech buds flock him on the other side.

Zagone makes a speech. The curtains go slowly up. really slow. Painfully slow.

Then the movie starts.

...
...

The Credits roll. And there is my name. And I just get sick. Hans grabs my hand. My nose is running. My body cramps up on me.

I start thinking: Maybe this is the reason why god has not made me a big star...because he knows I would flip out to the point where I become a physical mess.

Before we get to the movie Hans and I had our own rating system for the movie. Basically? Where this movie would be for television release.

HBO being the high watermark. The Hallmark Station being the lowest. We argue over the idea of the IFC and Showtime and what falls above what. I give in and say that Showtime is above the IFC.

We start watching the movie. And my first apperance happens. My first reaction: OH MY GOD I NEED TO STEP AWAY FROM BISCUITS. JESUS GOD IT DOES ADD ON TEN POUNDS. NO. IT ADDS ON 50.

After the intial shock of seeing myself My body calms down and I start watching the movie.

For an independant movie, I'm incredibly surprised by the production value. Terribly surpised.

And the connections with the actors was really good. The movie is actually really smart. And I get to the point where i can actually discconect myself from the work. It is odd. I'm watching myself perform and I'm disconnecting from me. I have no idea if this is good or not? All I know is it stopped my chronic sneezing.

Hans bends into me and he says "Showtime". This is a good sign. My god. My husband likes the movie.

It was incredible. The rest of the day was incredible. I walk out of the movie theater and it began. The throngs of people coming up to me. I kept Hans close. I thanked people and to try to diffuse it all...I started introducing total strangers to my husband.

The eye contact of people wanting to talk but were too afraid. The handshaking. The hugging. The "You are an incredible actor"...The picture taking.

*all of it*

I'm seriously dizzy. Seriously stunned and dizzy by it all. We head to this Italian Resturant off of the Downtown Berkeley Bart station. It is set up for us with Italian food and an open Red and White Wine Bar.

I was stopped by everyone. The backers. Some guy who wants to put me in his movie. And my lovely little 12 year old Sophie in the movie. I had headed in the back and was just standing there...

Me: Hey ms. thang? You digging this?
Her: (like an adult) I'm WORKING THE ROOM

I could not stop LAUGHING! I tell her: Girl. You so don't have to work the room. My old lady advise. Find one place in the room. Have your soda. Let people COME TO YOU. Give them eye contact. LET THEM COME TO YOU.

This makes all the adults around me laugh. They all agree. She smiles and literally finds a place by her dad and casually stands there. And people start coming to *her* I look over at her and she gives me a thumbs up.

Cutest thing in the world.

We drink. We have food. My head is so huge at this point I tell Hans that he needs to find a sump pump for my now monsterous ego.

I'm stunned. So stunned this movie looks and came out the way it did. From the editing...to the music....just everything.

I guess it is now in the hands of the distribution and the festival circuit. It's a sweet little smart movie. I hope it goes somewhere.

And as always? I never expect much. You can only hope that someone sees it...believes in it and picks it up.

And I so needed to here that I was Almost Adequate and "I did not suck" from Hans.

I'm only here to impress him.

 

[Shaun Landry]

baby.

Jade Bailey. 6 pounds. Proud parents of Jon Bailey (Custom Made) and Melinda (2 Good 4 U)

I'm so happy for him. We just got off the phone. Hans and I are seeing the baby tonight at the hospital.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Cuz Boogie Nights are *always* The Best in Town

Today I headed to Plush Studios in San Rafeal. (www.plushstudios.com) bogged down with a shit load of changes of clothes, a bag of wigs, boas, prop glasses and shoes...and a bottle of foundation.

I really fucking need a car. Goddamnit. Or at least one of those car share things.

I get on the bus to San Rafael. The number 80 takes me close and that is by my house. I get on and ask the driver to tell me where my stop is. This is almost a two hour ride.

I get to Downtown San Rafael...and without me realizing it? The Bus Driver changes. He does not tell me where my stop is...and there is really no signage I could see from my seat. (Some fucking hoody kid talking loudly about selling weed sitting next to me)...and I go past my stop by two stops.

Fuck.

I run across the walkway on the Redwood Highway (becuase this is hillbilly land. Frigging bus stops are "Bus Pads" in the middle of nowhere that dumps you literally on the "highway") and go into some greek resturant and beg them to use a phone to call a cab.

Thirty minutes just to get a cab. I'm in the middle of Nowhere USA.

Fuck.

Turns out the buses run faster than getting a cab so I get on one and head back two stops, having an unwanted conversation with some guy with a bag of soda cans he collected from the gas station trash.

I'm still in theory ontime. I run across the walkway Highway with my rolling suitcase and my Second City Chicago touring bag. I then realize I'm in nowhere USA and I'm hot...dishelved...now sweaty, RUNNING...and I'm T.W.B.

...T.W.B. Traveling While Black. *Fuck* I stop running.

I get to The Postal Palace. I pull out my wallet. I take out a ten. I go up to the counter to the man and say "I will give you ten dollars if I can make a phone call"

He laughs and says "Oh god. Just use the phone for free". I call the people to pick me up. And they do.

The world becomes a whole lot shinier once I get to the studio. I look at the makeup person. I swear to god I know him.

I sign the release forms they take a poloroid of me all hot and sweaty looking. Then we go through my clothes.

They love the Shameeka Dasheeki. They want that...and it just so happens they have a brown backdrop that literally matches. they also love the fringe dress and boa and a the casual look of my jeans, my black top and my green/gold jacket.

I get in the chair for makeup. I swear to GOD I know this man. We talk and he is cracking me up...

He says something that he said to me before to make me laugh...and then I realize who he is.

He is Stan. He has relaxed my hair twice at The San Francisco School of Cosmetology. His hair was white and he had dyed it. I stopped going there because he graduated. And there he is. I had to travel all the way to San Rafael to hook up with the guy who conks my head.

And with him? Comes the woman who owns the place who I worked with on TLC's Perfect Proposal. Everyone at the studio is now convinced I know everyone. At this point. I think I do too. I'm in the middle of Nowhere USA.

...and *I know people*

Bill Reitzel is one hell of an awesome photographer. He has shot folks like this:

And him:

And This guy

...and a shitload of other people to boot.

What in gods name is he doing out here? Grew tired of Los Angeles? Wanted the wonderfulness of the Bay Area? No idea. All I know is: I now have photographs by Bill Ritzel.

He is doing everything digital. and he is showing me the shots as he is taking them on the computer.

Great God. Sometimes I just wonder how the hell pictures can come out where I think They don't even look like me. He takes Hundreds of pictures and he keeps telling me how great I am:

Yeah. America's next Fat Top Model.

I take off the Dasheeki...and put on the fringe dress. The music changes from Soft Dance Club to 70's Disco.

And Boogie Nights comes on. I just start dancing and singing to it

"dance with the boogie get down...cuz boogie nights are always the best in town!"

"Get on the boogie. get on the Boogie. Boogie, Boogie Nights"

He is shooting me fucking around with people and dancing in this dress. The pictures are the funniest things I have ever done.

Some regular clothes shots for headshots and some cell phone shots for actual stock footage and we are done. Two Hundred Professional color shots for free by this guy. Both the raw (I get in a few days) and the professional retouches (That I get in the middle of June)

Just for lugging bags to the middle of Nowhere. How fucking awesome is THAT?
=====================================================

I get home and there is a massive amount of emails and phone calls from everyone imaginable. Onion calls. Santa and Leather Hat calls. 15 and Revolving Calls. HP Photo Calls.

Someone wants me to set up a Loop Group of Improvisers for a regular paying gig for The History Channel and the National Geographic Channel...

Tony S asking me to do stand up tomorrow at The Brainwash for some agent who is booking regular gigs for black comedians in Oakland..

And a call from E.P's manager. That was pretty surreal.

And out of makeup.
And into the fire.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Tit High and gasping for Air

This is my gasping for air. What a wild day.

• TB calling to set up goldstar.
• MySpace's Producer emailed me to change The Improv Alliance to its new MySpace Comedy Section.
• EP's Manager called. I have to figure *that one out*
• The Festival just got listed as an E-Pick in The Chronicle...so now the phone and the Live Person has been ringing off the hook. It's started.
• Hans has been calling regarding our videographer and getting him into the space.
• IEP wants to set up a workshop when they are in town. Poor Eliza. I got to call her back.
• Today is Curly's Birthday. i got to get him a present.
• CH got the donation for the road. I told him to use it for clean underwear after the blow job that all three men will probably get on the road because they are that good.
• I went and dropped postcards off at TBA and said yes to the Free TBA night coming up in Oct Novemenber
• I just sent out a blast for Loop group stuff with The History Channel. This gig is pretty spectacular because the guy who is the production person wants to do this on a regular basis with improvisers with possible on camera work too. That is regular improv actor income. I meet with him on Monday. The first Loop group is Tuesday for Jesse James. The email went out five minutes ago. I was looking for four men. Now? I'm only need one more. Fastest Booking. Ever.

And finally the call from Jennifer.

I'm doing the Impossible Film Project with Un-Scripted. Along with hopefully the three people who I really wanted to be a part of it. I'm just hoping these three men will say yes.

Wow. This has been one big ass improv day.

 

[Shaun Landry]

A fistful of twenties and what the fuck.

Santa and Leather Hat cracks me up with his hot sweaty money. Cleanup J came by after giving him the keys to the space to drop off the money left for me.

Seriously. A fistful of twenties. It makes me laugh. I have almost six hundred dollars on my desk. Half of which is in twenties. He just might as well have given me nickels.

All this cash makes me nervous. I wish he would just pay me in a check or transfer shit into my account. So off to the bank I went to deposit the sweaty money and grab some food.

Here is something interesting on my once every two month visit to McDonalds on the back of the fries box: A picture of Ronald McDonald jumping up like a cheerleader and the catchphrase: "it's what I eat and what I do"

The great thing about Jack In The Box is that the moving logo is so over the top it’s funny. This one? Is just fucking creepy.

It's what the big RM DOES. Well good for you Logo clown.

======================================================

Why do people want gigs they are not skilled for?

When I get on sfcasting and I see a listing for some Indy movie...or commercial and I click onto it and see "African American Female" and the pay? I get all excited.

Then I read on and it will say something like "Must be able to do Karate” or "Must be able to do real sounding Swedish Accent"

I never click on. For the first example I WOULD NEVER click on to it because if they say they need Karate Black Chick...I can't do that. And no amount of practice before the audition is going to convince these people that I can look like a black female Bruce Lee. Cuz, I just can't.

I watched just enough of this "So you think you can dance" show last night until I just could not stand the denial people are in about their skills. Young lady from Chicago who was pretty heavy who supposedly danced for seventeen years.

She was horrible. But she was convinced that she was great. And even when those professional judges told her the truth she just looked like they had torn out her heart and was being mean to her. And then ended it all by saying "I did my best” I only pray this woman actually LOOKS at the show she was on. Total fucking denial of being talent less.

You know? I do MY BEST when I try to draw. That does not mean I should be auditioning for "So, You think you know how to paint". That does not mean I should be starting a professional art gallery with all of my shitty work.

And if I was going for the Swedish Accent? Okay. It's either I do the research myself and then click on. And listen for how many ever days it takes to at least sound convincing.
I would never EVER call the production company or the person who actually booked me and say "Hey look...thanks for booking me. I can't do a Swedish accent...and I'm too lazy to look myself...what should I do?"

All what the fuck. Why do I want people to be going "What the flying fuck" about me? Have them all "Didn't that dumb bitch READ the posting saying we needed someone who could do a Swedish Accent?"
And to top that all off? Producers only see this: If this black actor from San Francisco is like this? What about the rest of them?
I just fucked myself over for work. And indirectly fucked over some other black female actor for work here. I would suck. And suck hard.

I'm convinced 100% after today that us poor professional San Francisco Actors get passed up for work in our own hometown for actors in Los Angeles because we are a motley crew of really lazy actors who have the stink of unprofessional.

All wrapped around the over sensitive earth muffin flaky crust that surrounds San Francisco Actors. And you really try to convince producers and agents and all of the rest that is not the case?

Then some dumbfuck fucks it up. For all of us. That makes you work doubly harder to just get a gig around these parts and not get passed up.

The Amex commercial I shot? There were more LA actors than Bay Area Actors. I looked at the crew who came up and thought: Jesus. I know about 25 actors doing improv who look just like you.

Then I go "Wait a minute. Most of them don't have headshots and are too lazy to walk over to Nancy Hayes or Beau's Office"

And I'm telling you: Forget about telling them the truth. Just forget about it. You are mean and insensitive.

Well if that is the case? I'm the most insensitive bitch in San Francisco. Looking out for other insensitive assholes that are tired of the sensitive fucking it up for the rest of us.

Insensitive talented assholes unite. We have an enemy. It is among us. And they are the sensitive and talent less.

 

[Shaun Landry]

I changed my title under my name.

Courtesy of the San Francisco Chronicle.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Free Sunday...and thank god for that

Yesterday was all about Joe/Jay and Justin. They have officially moved in across the street.

Their home is fucking unbelievable. The former renters moved to bigger pastures across country with the entire family and literally left an variable cornecopia of cool ass shit. Two full dishware sets...a full size king bed. Full pots and pans and silverware...

...and champaign. Three bottles of it. The kitchen is a cooks wet dream with brand new stoves and a fridge that makes fresh ice and water.

Their view from the front room with the working fireplace is a very clear on view of my home.

My roof looks like shit. I got them a bottle of Grey Goose l'orarnge for their house warming and Sammy just could not fathom the concept. It was cute.

So yesterday the guys have been over here using our computers to get emails and find enclosed parking for the cars until they can get their internet connection set up. It's nice having improv neighbors.

Yesterday was also the day the article for Besser came out http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...KGAIJ2FQR1.DTL.

I read the chronicle every day and because I do media for the festival I check the Entertainment sections of the papers to make sure the festival is listed. I already knew that the article was coming out mostly due to Kate's Blog. But because of the check from the Chronicle when they made the festival an E-Pick and wanted to make sure I was not producing the show.

I never expected to be mentioned in an article that I have nothing to do with. And I was even more surprised that the last thing you read is the listing for The Festival, my phone number and the link.

It was unexpected press. It came out online yesterday afternoon. Joe/Jay was pretty surprised by the mention of the festival. And in all honesty...so was I.

It is awesome community to have that in there. I sent an email to the SFIC and said:

I don't know if it was intentional or not...but thank you for the advertising!
Warm regards, The People's Judean Front (possibly the funniest thing I have ever read in print that had me snort out water).

This morning I got up and headed over to the space after Magic Absinthe's Boy montly *Fuck Around* (and I mean this in the LITERAL Sense) and it was spotless. Thank god. Cleaunup J gets there and I let him do the cleanup.

Which is just as well.

The article has been out for less than twenty four hours and I have sold tickets to opening with True Fiction and the Live Person right now has seven people on it looking at tickets online.

Thank god I did the voice mailboxes on Friday.

It has been crazy. My Ms. Kotler: If you are getting what I'm getting?

Don't worry. Your show will sell out.

I got to update the site now. Razowsky and Clifford have been added to the festival with Second City's LA The Group and Revolving Madness.

Un-expected press. Just makes me have to work harder.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Finally Contracts.

You know what I really should not hear from a lawyer?


So...can you give me an example of what you want your contracts to look like?

*sigh*

I get what I pay for.

It took a while...but I finally got the final copies of the contractual agreements back for SFIF and emailed them to everyone. God love me some Merkin. As always...he was on it the moment I emailed him. The faster I get these things...the faster I can get them back to Lawyer Dude to email and file and get out of my hair.

The phone call to the space and them getting fresh paint for the build and pretty on Saturday and Sunday. It's all about free hands. And thank god a lot of people volunteered to be free hands. I really just want to do one day on Saturday and be done with it. The Videographer comes in to do the three camera placement that day...and hopefully Moronlife can be there too just to take pictures of the set up.

Sent off .jpg's of TFM and IB to the newspaper. that comes out next week. i really owe a lot of newspapers after all of this is done thank you gifts.

And got the contract back on their end for the Loop Group Sessions. This really, really makes me happy. This is what I always was hoping for: To be able to offer improv actors in this town steady work. Non mind sucking day job work.

And I cancelled the appt for looking at renting a 3000 foot space. The Backer is out of town and I re-scheduled for next Tuesday.

Yeah. Not an apartment. A 3000 foot first floor hanicapped accesible, parking garage available....Theater Space.

I hope this happens.

 

[Shaun Landry]

Small Moments in Improv

It's the small moments in improv that make me happy. The tiny movements that seem almost like a dream when it happens...where every actor is on the same wild page and even you are stunned by what has happened as much as the audience itself.

Last night. Me, Joe/Jay and Justin. At the present time...these two men are just a joy to play with. Joe/Jay has that punch funny. Justin plays so smart and physical at the same time...and at one point he did an improvised character monolouge at a Thanksgiving day celebration that turned him literally into Bob Newhart. The perfectly timed pauses as though the other folks were speaking and the responses back where you just know...you just *know what was said by the imaginery person* At that point in time...Bob Newhart stopped in his tracks somewhere and screamed "JESUS STOP THAT WHOEVER YOU ARE! STOP STEALING MY SOUL AND CHANNELING MY PERSONA"

But its that moment. The small improv moment.

Justin was playing a stuffed animal laying limp on the stage with his butt sticking up in the air (stack of bibles. This small man looked like a discarded stuffed toy)

Joe/Jay was playing a small cockney boy (bastard freak son of royalty) missing an arm who had shaved the stuffed toy's butt.

I was playing a woman who worked at Arby's in England who had taken him back to the States (The South Side of Chicago) to save him from The Royal Family.

Me: Why in the world would you shave this poor stuffed animal's behind?
Joe/Jay: It's a horrible story actually about my father....

There was no thinking to be had. Justin face was planted firmly on the stage with his butt in the air. And even he knew at that moment. All of us did.

I ran off the stage...Justin got up. Joe/Jay positioned himself on another side of the stage. Justin played Prince Charles and recreated that moment. It turned out that Charles made this poor bastard boy shave his butt too.

As soon as the razor was given to Joe/Jay? All of us knew.

Joe/Jay went right back to the original spot where he was. I ran back and sat myself back on the stool where I was...

And Justin? Justin found the exact same spot and did the exact same position on the ground like a discarded toy with his butt in the air.

Me: (to Joe/Jay) Holy shit. That's fucked up.

Never heard an applause like that at any Jam I have attended. It was just that small moment. Where everyone is on the same wierd wild page.

This is why I do improv. This is why.

I really needed last night. Bad. I needed to play and get away from Improv business and do Improv. It is so nice to be able to play. And I'm just digging the fact that this place attacts so many people off the street as audience members and out of town people that it just tickles me to no end.

Because the straights? Saw that moment. And hopefully they will go back to the towns that they are from and want to see more moments when they get back home.

=======================================================

I went out with the Paco and a new DM and some new guys in the Shark Class that are terribly funny. We all sat an people watched. Kevin Spacey now knows me by *name* He is kinda dark dangerous sexy that I have always found attractive. That dark, big nose, long hair...caucassion thing I dig so much.

Some crazy guy from nowhere dancing on the floor to "She's a Bad Mamma Jamma" points directly to me sitting at the table. I'm not even in VIEW of the dance floor...And beckons me to dance.

I look at New DM and The Paco and say "Know why? Because crazy people love my dumb ass." So I go out and dance with this guy. Everyone stops and watches...then applauds. Guy is not drunk. He is N.C.

N.C. "Naturally Crazy". We do a commercial once I sit back down on this concept: "We pulled the DNA of Homeless and BART Riders into this delicious High Engery Drink. Naturally Crazy. 100% Natural with High Frutcose Corn Syrup. When you are just feeling *Too Sane*"

Great Monday Night. Such Good Times. And great character watching.

=====================================================

Just got a call from some Company. They want to do a show in August for a corporate event with another major credit card company. They were told to call me from another client who reccommended us from a gig we did. This is what I love.

And now August is covered. I just have to send them a proposal....and this as always is mass work when it comes to building an improv show specifically for an event.

Back and forth to clients. Making sure everything is cool. Making sure they are happy. Making sure the show is "Corporate Funny"

Meaning - The show is still funny? But not offensive to the corporation...too dark...or too underground.

Basically? My special Improv moment of a stuffed toy's behind being shaved should probably not be in the show.

This is why I need to go to jams.

 

[Shaun Landry]

They Shot Him in the Neck!

And that is what I learned today. The guy who killed Jesse James was shot in the neck.

And this was the line Moronlife got to yell in the loop group.

Originally they had scheduled the session for three hours. My lovely improv men (Moronlife..the RM boys and Hans) blew this bad boy out in two hours. They loved them. They said they should just be a loop group team on their own because they works so well together...and the last group of people they had in blew chunks.

There are three projects coming up and it turns out that they also shoot the actual shows here and are always looking for onscreen actors.

This makes me happy. I have a meeting with this guy hopefully by the end of the week to have improvisers not only offscreen? But on it too.

Today I got an email from 96 hours from The Chronicle. I sent them off 300dpi pictures of TFM and IB and all the emails of both ensemble and The Person Who This Is Really about's phone number along with King Lowell Comedy's Phone. The gate also added some really cool verbiage in the E-Picks section.

The article comes out next week for opening. Along with The Guardian Blurby Blurb and that picture.

The Onion Article in the newsletter came out:

What the fuck is so funny" is the slogan for this month-and-a-half-long comedy carnival. With local and national troupes ranging from The Second City Los Angeles to San Francisco's Oui Be Negroes and True Fiction Magazine, festival organizers are bragging that audiences will surely be treated to "The Ha Ha and The Bucket Of Chuckle." We're in.

I told them Onion Readers could get the Alliance discount if they only gave me a pony...so:

The Onion has given The San Francisco Improv Festival producer a pony. A pony she has always wanted. The one she was denied so many years as a child, young adult, and between the ages of 30-35. This means that Onion readers get 50% off

wee! love the onion. love those guys!

The contract came over for The Santa Cruz Improv Festival for the 29th. That is officially booked...and an email came from the SF Theater Festival. That is all good.

My boys of SPF7 got the biggest picture of The Laughtermath in The Pink Section. Sunny Justin thanked me personally for my media list and the PR sit down. That is almost unheard of from me doing stuff for people. Had me honestly teary.

And today? Today is the day me and Hans hooked up. We have been officially together for twenty years on 6/6/6

Maybe I am in with the Devil and its Birthday...because this has been a freakishly good day.

 

[Shaun Landry]

The Push The Fanboys.

Negro Rehearsal tonight. I really want to get into some real relationship scenes. We start doing some excercises and run Curly in doing the same physical movement while having different scenes that can come from that one movement position.

Wallflower stuff from Ms. J. Want to get her off the wall and initiate. To start that initiation first. Have Lovely Dread not splat. That is hard to explain in itself...but it is the kind of improv where you hear youself just go on and get your entire M.O. out in one big splat. Consolidate. Not so much text. Let the emotion take you. She will get there.

The harmonies coming out from the ensemble is strong. Get the improv as strong as the harmonies.

Hans. God. Please. STOP DOING BABY. My god. STOP DOING BABY. And drunk guy. Please find another drunk for the love of god. Borscht Belt. Stop doing Borscht belt. Yeah 20+ years. I know what you are going to do before you do it. Please god. Surprise me. Just surprise me. This playground I have been on. For way too long. Build a new slip and slide on the playground.

======================================================

Curly and I share a smoke and talk of Fanboy stuff.

I realized I don't get too impressed by the fame of people. It just don't excite me.

I turned hardcore fangirl once on someone and that was Robin Williams. And I was the first to up to it. I wrote a letter to Mr. Williams for the sheer purposes of meeting him. I wanted to meet and play with Robin Williams.

And when he showed? I barely said a noticeable word to him. I ignored the guy who I was the most impressed with. Years of wanting to meet this man. Not anything worth remembering me by. Because I realized I would sound like a dumbass fangirl.

What the hell am I going to say?

OH GOD I LOVE YOU IN WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP! OH...AND I SAW POPEYE LIKE A MILLION TIMES IN THE THEATER! You know... (throw in some super obscure reference he once said in Time Magazine about Jonathan Winters) JESUS. I EVEN ENJOYED MILLENIUM MAN!"

You know who he talked to the most? Hans. Because Hans was the only one out of the lot of us who just talked to the guy and asked him about the now. Because Hans does not give a shit who *anybody is*

So now that I got my fangirl out of my system? I have my story. My Robin Williams Fangirl story. The only thing that is worth. A cool story. From the time I wrote the letter? To the moment we poured Woody Harrelson into the cab with his bike.

I can't claim this man is my friend...or I shoot the shit with him. You know send him wacky emails and he responds back.

No. He was just a nice man who responded to a fangirl letter asking to play with us. And gave the fangirl the best story of a lifetime. Good by me. *I'm a Robin Williams Fangirl* And that in reality is all I expect.

Most people know when they are being Fanboyed. And in the wrong star hands? Boy. That can be a cruel one-sided friendship.

Because hardcore fanboys will put up and do just about anything to please the person they are fanboying.

It must blow to be a hardcore fanboy/girl. Your whole life wanting to be loved by someone who barely knows you. And you will do just about anything to get that.

Fanboys. The higher end version of groupies. Because Groupies try to get
into the person of choice place for free to get friendship. Fanboys pay and work.

But Curly admitted to his Fanboy-ness. And that is a rare quality in Fanboys and Fangirls. A rare one indeed. And an admission that I took with a respectful grain of salt.

No lying about it. No masking it under the auspicious of something else.

Straight on. Hardcore admission of Fanboyishness.

I love Curly a lot. Good for him. I really hope he gets his DVD's signed. And come out with an awesome and wonderful story.

 

[Shaun Landry]

So you think you can slam your face into the stage?

New addictive show. So you think you can dance. This show is not as painful as say American Idol. Because the final people picked? They can actually dance. Unlike Idol? Where it just seems like everyone sounds like they should have the words scrolling along in pink and blue.

I also really enjoy the judges too. Because unlike Idol? They can actually dance too...and its not someone who could never really sing in the first place...some guy who you can't remember for crap and another guy who only claim to fame is boy bands.

All I know is this: The Swing King is in. I have actually seen this man dance before in Los Angeles. It does my heart good.

And of course good dancers just losing it. My god. A man executed the most incredible flip in the world and did not stick it. Oh god. Landed face first into the stage. And he still shook it off.

I actually cried for him.

And of course that professional dancer/actor weirdness with women.

They told this one woman she was really good but she made it look too easy. She did not make the cut. And then she showed ass. Big actor/dancer ass when she got offstage. The other woman walked in who got in...and I saw her tried to hug her? And she just swept around her.

God. Women can be really tacky towards other women.

This show will be taped On Demand DVR. yeah. My new addiction.
===================================================

I really hope the Guardian site goes up soon. Right now they are having some massive server problems and the site is pretty much just the political blog. I *really hope it goes up by next week*

I got a call from Moronlife. There is a space that has been sitting vacant for the last 100 years in downtown San Francisco. Initially he did not know where it was...but I guess the contacts want to do something with it. Moronlife did not know exactly where it was.

Until Today.

Great god almighty. We check this space out on Monday. If it is in any sort of human condition? I will be around kevin spacey a lot more than I thought.

That space on Monday. The 3000 one on Tuesday.

What the hell is going on?