For anyone who wants to listen

[Rachel]

today

I didn't go jogging today - I know I know - especially after all that hoopla yesterday. I didn't because I can't walk. I over did it - but I'm sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow, and I'll let you know how it goes. Because I hate leaving you, my loyal readers, hanging in suspense over the state of my "fitness"!

Today is the last weekday of my employment, but it appears they'll be giving me my final hours tomorrow, which is nice because weekend pay is quite a bit more than weekday pay and I could use the money! Strangely, I'm going to miss a lot of the people I see here everyday.

Behind me sits Steve - he's from Texas, has the slightest accent, is a writer, is getting his graduate degree in writing from New School, and speaks beautifully. He's told me many a great story about his adventures in Mexico, his parrot, sends me daily writing samples, and he even sat through an improv jam - and he's not even an improviser.

In front of him sits Robert - the quirkiest man I've ever met. Incredibly interesting, and I vow never to loose touch with him. He ran a punk review called Franzine from 1977 - 1988 - he admits to starting it too late into the scene. He has mountains and mountains of photographs of "famous" punk bands (none of whom I am familiar, since I am not familiar with the genre). He knows every fact about every band that has ever existed from the beginning of time till today - mostly bands I've never heard of, but I feel a connection to them now thanks to him. He also has the messiest desk around, and appreciates Canadians as he is married to one! Excellent human being!

In another room sits Sunny - Unfortunately we didn't get to know each other till just recently but she was rightly named. She's one of the sweetest people I've met in NYC. Probably the only person I've ever met who had an excellent opportunity to sue the Iron Chef's ass off due to food poisoning but never did, because that's not the way she is.

Finally there is Michael, who sees Budha in people who don't deserve it, but I guess that's the Budha in him.

Though approximately 45 people work in this department, these were the people that made coming to work at the same place bearable for the past year, and I will miss seeing them everyday!

rachel:love:

 

[Rachel]

What to do What to do . . .

I'm sitting in front of my computer sipping my Bustello instant coffee, with a touch of cream and one equal and I have the whole day ahead of me. I'll have you know that I went jogging Saturday, and will be on my way in about 30min - after my coffee and stretches.

Yesterday I took Lola for a walk around 11:30am and ran into a Greek woman, who lives down the street from me and works a great deal on her yard - she has quite the green thumb. I have no idea what this woman's name is, but whenever we see each other, she always chats me up for about an hour. She always asks me to come over for coffee, and yesterday offered to drive me to Liberty State park and go for a walk with her. I love old people, so I think I will go on this walk - maybe even this afternoon. She reminds me of my grandma!

Jersey City is filled with old people's homes and cemeteries, so your pretty much constantly reminded of your mortality. I've started to like it actually. There is this tiny cemetery by the grocery store where the dates on the stones are from late 1700's early 1800's. It's not well taken care of, nothing is in this part of Jersey City, but it has it's charm.

I have a bunch of books on my reading list, but I refuse to buy them - so I'm heading to the library today and hopefully I can pick them all up. I tend to read library books quicker than purchased books because I have to be return them. Whenever I buy a book I figure I have all the time in the world to read it, since I'll have it forever.

I have to call unemployment today and sign up so the benjamins can start rolling in. Maybe I'll try to catch some exhibit that's going on in Manhattan or something - I don't know. I think I'm being over zealous, it's only my first day off. I should just take it easy!

rachel
:love:

 

[Rachel]

3:04 pm on tuesday

The first thing I saw this morning was my great dane humping my 7lb cat. It was frightening, and I didn't know what to do. I tried to correct her, but she just mounted me and started humping again. I figure she's horny and it'll pass. It happens to the best of us, she just doesn't know how to hide it. I think it's a beautiful display of innocence and she is forgiven. The cat didnt' seem to mind either, so I figure it's not hurting anyone. Just a little shocking at first.

I then proceeded to make coffee (still instant, as I've yet to purchase a new espresso machine), I had three huge cups, got super hyped up, and went on a walk. WHAT AN AMAZING DAY!!! I walked a lot further than usual, just to stay out as long as possible - I met a bunch of dog owners, and stopped to let Lola sniff a few asses. She didn't like the smell of one and almost got into a fight. I know how that is.

I made an appointment to see an accountant tomorrow, as I have yet to do my taxes - this guy sounds excellent, so I anticipate getting a nice chunk back this year. I'm going to drop the money off for my headshots which I'm getting done on Saturday, and then I need to figure out how to reschedule a few things for Flipside since some groups this weekend seem to be having conflicts. It would've been nice to know a couple of weeks ago, but alas what can one do!

I have nothing interesting to say today - but for now I like it that way!

rachel :love:

 

[Rachel]

Today . . . again!

Yesterday was a weird day for me - I ran the whole gamut of emotions. I was chipper and happy in the morning; I had my coffee, went jogging, sent out a few emails. By afternoon I was feeling less energetic; took care of some phone calls, paid bills, designed some flyers for FLiPSiDE and CORPA. Around 5pm I was miserable, and having a bit of a breakdown. This happens to me now and again - but I usually place the blame on my period. Since that ended recently - my insecurity attack was falling on the wrong side of my cycle which caused me to worry, and thus pushing me further into my paranoia. I don't know how to describe what I feel when I go through these strange fits - all I know is that I revert back into a child and if some one is not around to treat me like one - I loose it. But luckily Carlos is always there for me - frankly most people wouldn't be, I don't know that I would be if someone was pulling this shit with me. It drains the person who's trying to bring you out of it - and I'm sure he could spend that time doing something more productive for himself - instead of coddling me till my neuroses passes.

OK - that's all I'm saying on that subject - 'cause I have no patience for it.

I'm doing well today. My apartment is a disaster, and I think I'll try to clean it up before I get out of here - I've got tons of crap to do today. But on the top of my list is getting one of those coffee maker/alarm clock thingies. I'm too blah in the morning to safely and neatly maneuver liquid and fire - so I'm going to let the alarm clock to it for me. I have rehearsal tonight from 8-10 - now that I've written this down I realize I'm really not that busy today at all. I'm just a lazy ass. I'm really enjoying this lazy ass-dom. I hope it never ends, but alas all good things come to an end.

One last thing - my dog tried to jump out the window this morning - trying to catch a huge bee.

I've been reading the last couple of entries - and I'll say it before you do - I really need to get a life.

OK peace out and have an excellent day!

 

[Rachel]

Blech!

That's how I feel right now - I've had a fever/cold/allergies going on 4 days now - aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I'm almost better though I can feel it.

So Corpa is going to CT this Saturday to perform and I'm really super duper excited. I can't wait to see what it's going to be like to perform for a non improv audience. Completely non improv - not a single person has any idea what the rules are, so they won't react to 'mistakes' etc. I don't know why this is so important to me, but it is. My original reason for starting Flipside back in march was to practice performing in front of an audience as much as possible, and it worked quite well. But I've noticed that the audiences are basically all improvisers. I think it's very difficult/stressful to perform in front of peers. It has its merits (I.e. keeps you on your toes, adds a competitive edge . . . ), but it also has its drawbacks (I.e. I don't think that it's a real audience, and I don't think the reactions are honest - they stem from a knowledge of the work and/or the people, so they can be really misleading). So this weekend should be fun and a refreshing change of pace.

The whole unemployment thing didn't last too long either - I got a damn job last week - so I was unemployed a whole week and a half. I really wanted to have a month off, but I had to take this assignment, or I wouldn't have been eligible for unemployment anymore. The new job I have is basically the same thing - graphics for a consulting firm - Oliver Wyman. Very hip, modern, stylish office. It's a great schedule - as soon as I get over this fever, I'll be able to enjoy it. I work Monday through Thursday 8-noon - which is nice, it gets my ass out of bed bright and early, and then I'm up to take care of business after noon. Friday I work 8-4pm. It's only 24 hours/week, but the money is still way better than unemployment would've been - and I was getting the maximum - so that's kinda nice. Hopefully this will last through the summer, so I can spend most of my time bumming around outside!

alright - just keeping those who care posted!

:love: Rachel

 

[Rachel]

silly day, silly day. that's how i feel - silly. i have no idea what that means. hey - did you vote for corpa on the improv top 50 - i know relax with that already - i find that thing hilarious. my mom and dad actually think it means something - god i love those 2. they call and they're like - hey corpa's banner isn't on the improv top 50 - it's like they think that that means we did a bad show and got booted off.

I'm at work right now, and no one is around to monitor my web use - so i'll have you know this entry is very risky, very courageous of me, I'm something of a rebel right now.

I wish I had something to say, but I don't really - so I'm just going to end this here. If I think of something I'll add it later.

rachel :love:

 

[Rachel]

nothing to do . . . yet

I'm sure something stupid will roll in that is "high priority" - what the hell does that mean anyway - I don't think anything is "high priority" unless someone's life is on the line - everything else is just passing time until we die. I mean that in the best way possible - it sounds pessimistic, but it's not. I hate the importance office people put on themselves, I think if they realized how unimportant they really are they'd pass out. it's a great feeling to be 'unimportant' (i'm sure there is a better word for what I really mean, but I can't think of one so this will have to do for now) - it's liberating.

i love the fact that office culture has divided completely banal responsibilities into departments. What I also find completely fascinating is how much respect people have for the boundaries of each department. I remember when I used to work on the trading floor of Bank of America - this was like 4 years ago (my first encounter with corporate America) - I smelled burning, and thought I should say something, so I told my 'superior' and she alerted her superior who in turn alerted his superior . . . and so on. there were like 10 people sniffing around while MBA's executed their trades - finally someone indicated that we couldn't be sure, and that this was a job for FACILITIES - they were the experts on burning. All the while I'm telling everyone that if we smell smoke we're probably right. Someone from facilities came and started sniffing around - they gave the final word - we were in fact burning.

I wish I was inventive and creative enough to make my living in some other environment - I hate going to an office each day so much that I suspect I won't be able to keep up this charade much longer.


:love: rachel

 

[Rachel]

You gotta love the flu

YYYaaaaay I'm as sick as a dog . . . and you know what that equals - HOME!!! Yeah, I'm home and lovin it. What the hell is better than being home - shit I can't imagine. Everything else requires effort, home on the other hand is right there when you wake up - and it just sits there and waits until you get back. I'm not domestic by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a home body. The refrigerator is stocked, the dog is lying with me on the bed, the cats are all sleeping at my feet - I feel like Cleopatra, only with a fever.

I actually got up this morning and got ready to go to work - showered, put on my clothes and walked out the door at 7am - by 7:05 I was feeling nauseous, and I suspect by 7:06 was vomiting into my neighbors front bush. Gross I know, but I honestly did not see it coming. As I vomited all I could think was that I get to stay home today. Here I am - and might I add that the nausea was well worth the end result.

 

[Rachel]

i'm reading an awesome book right now

i'm really loving this book i'm currently reading, and for any of you who want to take my suggestion it's called
"this is not a novel"
- david markson

beautifully written - almost an epic poem in my opinion. very funny - pick it up if you can, you won't regret it - a really fun fast read.

today is my first rehearsal with neutrino - i'm ridiculously excited. i've gone through stages of excitement since finding out about this - from uber crazy i'm so happy excitement, to what the hell are these people thinking excitement, to i'm gonna puke excitement, and finally excitement that can only be tamed with imodium . . . sexy eh :worm:

i fell in love with corpa again last night - i want us to start an animal sanctuary, but i don't think they're into it. more realistically we may start a bowling team - ah yes - leisure time bowl at port authority has won our hearts!! and the pizza isn't bad for a bus dipatch.

 

[Rachel]

I don't know if drifter reads my journal . . .

But here are the answers your looking for:

1. Where did you meet?
through my x-boyfriend

2. How long have you been together?
3 years

3. Do you think that you are in love?
yes

4. Do you have something about you that isn't obvious to me that would cause this relationship to be more reasonable?
no

5. Are you happy with him/her?
for the most part

6. I meant really happy? Don't be so flippant.
sometimes yes and sometimes no . . . don't look at me like that, so far that only happened twice

7. Have you ever cheated on him/her?
no

8. Why are you such an asshole, Cheats McGhee?
i said no

9. Who makes more money?
we both make jack shit

10.Do you pee with the door open?
depending on how i feel that day . . . i appreciate that you pee with the door open in front of me though!

:love: rachel

ps - i realize this wasn't directed at me, i just thought i'd make it mine! :worm:

 

[Rachel]

Here we go again

The most dangerous people, in my opinion, are people that essentially have no lives. Logic does not apply to this all too prominent specimen - and they can affect your life negatively without any motive whatsoever. They create motives in their minds, as a defense mechanism to distract from the fact that jack shit is going on in their world. How can one defend themselves from the lifeless drone - avoid them at all costs. This is my new approach - I cannot, and will not have my ability to be happy affected by someone who needs drama in their life to feel alive.

Someone in my office bought a fountain a couple of weeks ago to neutralize my apparent bad energy - I chuckled to myself, and brought her a coffee the next day. Everyone knew she had purchased this fountain b/c I have bad energy (she says I laugh too much, and sound like a witch) - so when she requested that I be let go, I couldn't imagine that such a person would be taken seriously, by someone I considered semi-logical. But alas my last day is Friday. I hate this job, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm pissed off about this situation!

So many other things to talk about, but in the end the lessons all add up to "Don't waste your time."

 

[Rachel]

Well I contradict myself constantly so why should the lesson learned from my last entry be any different - I'm back at that same job having my time wasted by the same people. It was poetic justice that reopened this "opportunity" - the bitch with the fountain got lime disease . . . naw that's not nice. That totally sucks and I hope she gets better fast - in the meantime I'll work here so I can pay for all the stuff I need.

The other day I joined this Greek lady up the street from me for a 7 am espresso - after 45 minutes of talking about how her husband deserved to die early b/c of the amount of salt he ate, and how I would be perfect for her 45 year old interior decorator son who has been living with his male roommate for 20 years in Weehawken - I decided I had to go home and spend some quality time with my dog. I'm pretty unapologetic when I need to go spend time with my dog, and I really don't do it out of obligation, I do it out of pure desire. I need to hang with her b/c she's one of the coolest creatures I know. Turns out human beings find this excuse for dismissing myself offensive and all I have to say to those people is "who the f*ck do you think you are?" so she asks me why i have a dog, and what a huge waste of time it is etc. etc. - I almost ripped her throat out . So I ask her why she wastes so much time after her grandson - a responsibility she didn't even choose to have, at least I choose to have a dog, she just has this kid dumped on her every morning and spends the rest of the day chasing him around and catering to his every need. Her son and daughter in law obviously don't have time for a child - if they did the kid wouldn't be with his grandmother all day long 5 days a week. She didn't like this question/observation. Now you may say this was harsh of me and dogs are obviously different - my response "not to me they're not, and that's why I have one."

I'm tired today but happy . . . so pardon the tone

 

[Rachel]

Holy crap Michael Jackson is a total racist - "I know I'm black" quoted from the Daily News - what? Not worth commenting on much beyond what I've just said.



:love: rachel

 

[Rachel]

lalalala

I'm staying at this job for 2 reasons 1. need; 2. morbid curiosity.

The woman who bought the fountain is back - let me describe Mary to you briefly. She is a stereotype - she's an angry lesbian who wears plaid flannel shirts, her hair is cut very short and angular, it's pitch white, her face is pointy and witch-like (I'm sure i would describe her this way if i liked her), her jaw is stiff, and she talks through her clenched teeth. She was raised Mennonite in Nebraska and is completely against dancing. She freaks out if anyone's movement even suggests dance - I was listening to a song yesterday and made the mistake of moving my head to the music. She had a fit - apparently it's a loss of control, the devil's work - though she says she's not religious. Despite her attraction to women, she only gives validity to what men have to say. She becomes irate if a woman even attempts to contribute to a conversation, and seems to desperately flirt with men in an unnatural, sexually aggressive way that borders on threatening. She told me yesterday that when she was a manager she only hired people she thought she could have fun in bed with - I could only imagine a corps.

 

[Rachel]

So my brother is in town and I have to admit that's a huge source of stress for me. We're only separated by 11 months, which made us very very close as children (he's older than me), but as we grew up we had less and less in common despite the fact that we did everything together. It seems the only way to keep conversations afloat with him now days is to talk about my life tragically - it seems to excite him - the possibility that he may have to help me or counsel me really keeps him interested, whenever I'm very happy about everything he basically questions this until I make something tragic up that we can then discuss.

I was actually listening to a radio show the other day that discussed a popular form of therapy in the early 90's called "recovered memories" - it talked about people that would have dreams etc. and through the guidance of therapists come to accuse family members of abuses that never happened. Now this is an extreme case - but I feel that my conversations with my brother are very much like this. No matter what I discuss with him, he can somehow navigate the facts presented into revealing me as a victim. I hate this with a passion. I don't fight it though, because it's my victimisation that seems to keep him interested and warm. Sick but true.

My brother is an incredibly well educated man, and this is where the danger lies. Conversations are not just sharing, but always about who wins in the end - very draining. So no matter what you're talking about, whether it's about a childhood memory, or the fact that the cat is in heat, he's going to turn it into an intellectual debate, and spar till he comes out on top. He's leaving tonight, and though I hope to see him soon - I'm excited to see him off!

Sadly, if he weren’t my brother, we probably wouldn't like each other much.

 

[Rachel]

ew that last entry sounds like a bloody downer - i won't erase it so as not to censor myself, but i will say yuck! see i'm in victim mode - let me change gears here . . . ah that's much better.

 

[Rachel]

this weekend was pretty excellent - saturday i went to coney island and have decided i really want to live out there. i know it's not the most convenient area as far as commuting to nyc - but it's worth the trip! i've been there a million times, and everytime i go i love it! it has everything, a beach, an amusement park, great neighbourhoods with awesome russian grocery stores, and really excellent sushi restaurants - it is eutopia! you can buy cheap stolen bikes, televisions, lamp fixtures, and furniture - the merchants are modern robin hoods if you will!

also - shoot the freak - c'mon people, amusement park games don't get any better than this - or as the games mc said 'where else can you shoot someone in new york, and nobody's gonna beef about it' - only in Coney Island!

 

[Rachel]

Good Morning

Good morning - I'm tired as shit right now and thought I'd revisit my journal.

I'm tired for 2 reasons:

1. I'm trying to quit drinking coffee; I'm severely addicted. I've been drinking espresso pretty much every day since i was 5 or 6 and I've worked my way up to 12 espressos/day plus a couple cups of regular American coffee. I've been a tad snippy, and that's why I'm trying to quit. This shit is no joke people. I'm going through freakin' withdrawal symptoms. Shaking, sweating, nausea, and my muscles ache so badly that sometimes I can't move - and of course by noon I need to go to sleep.

2. I spent all last evening trying to destroy a mouse. I went to the home of a friend who will remain nameless, and around 9pm I saw a quick shadow which I dismissed as either a flashback or a momentary freak out. As I continued my conversation the little bastard ran to a door and paused long enough for me to correctly identify he/she as a mouse. I didn't react that quickly - I paused, and began to ask myself a few questions. Should I point out that there is a mouse in the apt, should I ignore it and assume she knows, will she be embarrassed if I mention it. After some pondering I decided to mention it. So I calmly asked "Hey, do you have mice?" This was the question that set off what would be a long and exhausting evening of unsuccessful mouse hunting. She was clearly disturbed, and I didn't want to leave her alone in that state - so I decided if we were going to beat this thing we had to think like the enemy. I'm not a logical person, and for some reason these are some of the hard and fast decisions I settled on:

1. definitely not chunky peanut butter
2. not glue traps because the process is far more intimate
3. poison seeds are best
4. I'll lend you my cat in the morning

So we left the apt. to gather our weapons at a local Duane Reed, and upon return I basically turned the place upside down - it looked like a war zone. I was sweating, and we put piles and piles of poison everywhere - till finally I realized if I was going to lend my cat in the morning - having a poisonous mouse would not be the best idea. So we started cleaning up the mess we made - vacuuming up poison the best we could. We were exhausted and defeated.

Around 11pm her boyfriend arrived - and within minutes put down 2 glue traps with chunky peanut butter, licked excess peanut butter off his fingers, lounged on the sofa and ate a vegetarian burrito.

 

[Rachel]

yay - today is better than last friday

I woke up this morning in an excellent mood. Yesterday was one of those necessary days. I tackled long overdue issues in a mature and logical manner, and progress was made. Those days are hard to come by, but judging how I feel this morning I hope to repeat them more often. As a treat for being a big girl I decided to buy tickets to Italy - I'm heading out for 2 weeks in October. I've never been there in the fall, so I'm psyched. I've also never been there alone - I think I'm most excited about that.

This entry was rather self indulgent - it's just that I was too happy to just share it with my dog. She wagged her tail and all, but I could tell she wasn't 100% certain as to what I was talking about.

 

[Rachel]

Yesterday was weird for so many reasons - aside from the obvious, I was contacted by someone I hadn't spoken to in 8 years.

Mark Frankovich - I dated him in highschool for 7 years (from 14-21) - looking at pictures of our relationship is hilarious. Mark evolves from a lanky boy of 5'4" with no facial hair. to a towering 6'4", muscular man with underarm hair - all the while I look exactly the same.

We knew each other since age 10 - we went to elementary school together, and were really great friends. He lived behind me - his bedroom faced mine - as children that meant we would hold up signs to communicate, and as horney teenagers . . . well nuff said. We stayed together after I moved to NYC for 2 years - then in 1995 I went to visit him. We hung out for 1 week, I returned home and never heard or saw him again. It was probably my most painful experience up to that point in my life. I can safely say I was madly in love with this guy.

Yesterday he emailed me to tell me that his father died of cancer this past year. His dad used to drive me to school, take me to their cottage, take me to hockey games . . . I had forgotten all this - and when I heard the news of his death all these memories came rushing back into my mind. Suddenly the passed seemed so much farther away than it ever has. What seemed like yesterday, suddenly felt like an eternity.

Weird.