Experimental (A Dirty Word)

[Randilicious]

hairy palms

i'm going to make a long, explicit, embarrassing story very short and g-rated for this entry.

i came home early from a teaching fellows thing and decided to chill out at home for a while.

i got excited about having the place to myself for a while before i go out to run errands and stuff (my roommate seems to ALWAYS be here unless i'm home from work).

[omition of details -- protecting the innocent.]

she came home for lunch (WHO COMES HOME FOR LUNCH???) and found me in a comprimising position. actually, she didn't see me -- i escaped to my room in time -- but there was evidence of my private behavior left behind. now i'm hiding out in my bedroom, unsure of what to say to her.

i really shouldn't care. she's the one who fucked her boyfriend with the door open the other day. but somehow, being caught with your boyfriend is SO much less embarrassing than other things. call me unlightened, but it's how i feel.

i want to die...

 

[Randilicious]

I'M NOT WORTHY! I SUCK!

my bosses are being so nice to me about leaving for the fellows. not only are they not freaking out about me leaving so soon, they're very happy for me, and have proclaimed that they think it's the right move.

as much as i've complained about it, this has definitely been the best office management job i've ever had. it's just time to change the office management part of the job...

i had a lovely memorial day. dave and i went to his mom's summer house in monticello and perused yard sales, played scrabble, looked for creepy crawlies in the woods and just enjoyed the smell of non-polluted, oxygen-rich air. sooo relaxing.

well, i must return to work. my productivity is way up, now that i know i'll be leaving soon.

 

[Randilicious]

where's my rockin' chair?

why do i feel so OLD?

it's been so long since i've just gone out and had a crazy night. too many nights when i leave work, the thought of going home, making myself dinner and reading a book until bedtime seems just lovely. I'M 26, DAMMIT! I'M NOT A GRANNY, YET!

i know i blame a lot on being in the administrative field, but it truly does drain me. the work's not hard and i like the people i'm with, but it's about as inspiring as doing my taxes. but i don't even do my own taxes. because i hate things like taxes. so why have i been doing office work since 1998, pray tell me??

thank god i'm going into another field. i can't even muster up fear in my heart over teaching, because i'm so excited to not be doing admin work. from now on, the only bills i will pay will be my own! the only letters i write will be my own! the only phone calls i field will be my own! and my interactions with fax machines, copiers and pc's will be strictly limited to the necessities. WOO-HOO!!!

i must get out of this hermit/granny phase, though. this week i made a concerted effort to hang out/call friends i've neglected, and just that small endeavor cheered me up immensely. also, going to the country with dave last weekend and basking in the sunshine during my lunch hour and after-work have improved my attitude greatly. i'm not looking forward to the shitty weather of NYC's summer, but it's hard not to feel a bit of that youthful elation when you know summer's on her way.

it's so easy (for me, at least) to let little things bug me and bring me down. but i'm always amazed at how simple it is to decide that i'm going to enjoy things. i hate how Polly-Anna that sounds, but i guess what i mean is if i just put as much effort into having fun and seeing the good in most things as i do into my job or my relationship or my writing, etc., it really pays off.

however, not much effort was put into my job today. fridays are always goof-off days for me, but especially now that i know i'm leaving anyway (and they can't fire me -- BWA-HA-HA!).

i am going to do a smidgen of work now, though. and then, yes then, i will step enthusiastically into the brighty, warm, sunny weekend...

 

[Randilicious]

gggrrrrhhhh

bad. day. at. work.

hate admin work.

hate loud guy across the hall. "out of the box idea" my fucking ass.

hate every single office drone in the grand central station area.

hate hate hate. want sunshine.

 

[Randilicious]

getting away with murder...

ONE FULL HOUR LATE FOR WORK. oh, boy, it's hard to be motivated after such a shitty day yesterday.

however, the goddesses are with me. NOBODY ELSE WAS IN. all gone to a meeting. nobody knows i was late. what would they do anyway -- FIRE ME? bwa ha ha ha...

lots to do, so that's it for this entry. SO MUCH TO DO FOR THE TEACHING FELLOWS AND LEAVING WORK THAT I THINK I WILL CRY! but i won't. i can do it.

i can.

i'm pretty sure i can.

 

[Randilicious]

passing the torch

i hate conducting job interviews. i feel like such a poser.

the first interviewee i had today talked my ear off. seriously -- 45 full minutes of him talking about everything he knows and how good he is at everything. i found myself fantasizing about the weekend and missing huge chunks of what he said. i know how terrible that is, but somebody that self-absorbed wouldn't last in this office for a minute. besides, i interviewed some really qualified ladies yesterday. i can't wait to hand this job off.

i'm freaking out about my $$ situation for the summer, though. i get a wee wittle stipend for undergoing intense training 5 days a week, 8am - 6:30pm, from June 18 - August 2. on top of that, i'll be doing homework for my master's program, which also starts this summer. i'm thinking about subletting my room -- hopefully for MORE than i currently pay as to make a profit -- and in turn subletting my friend sara's cheaper apartment in washington heights. dave suggested i get a part-time job, which isn't a bad idea, but i just don't know how much time i'll have outside of the program.

i truly hope i'm doing the right thing. i'm losing money, i'm losing the convenience of working in manhattan, i'm losing the plethora of free time i've enjoyed this past year, etc. but, hopefully, i'll be gaining a much more fulfilling and interesting job, a master's degree, the chance to help people (and summers OFF!).

breathe. relax. i can do this. i know i can. i'm just going to suffer 500 anxiety attacks before it all happens.

ok. must do work. so much to do!!!!!!

 

[Randilicious]

scared little randi lane

my racking cough, like the villain in a b grade horror flick, is back from the dead with no sign of ever leaving.

i loathe coughing. it makes consiousness suck. i'd rather just sleep until it goes away. but i can't seem to get to fucking sleep because I CAN'T STOP COUGHING LONG ENOUGH TO DO SO.

being stressed out always makes me sick. and i've been stressed lately.

but i finally have my school: ps 114 in the bronx. i attended another placement fair this saturday and accepted the first reasonable offer presented to me, mainly because those fairs are so fucking depressing (see my earlier entry about this).

when i first left the fair, i was elated! i had a school! the big obstacle had been overcome!

i went to coney island with dave and his friend mike, riding the cyclone and bumper cars, eating ice cream and staring at the ocean. we had an amazing time.

but later that night, when we reconvened to see flipside, i became overwhelmed with fear and sadness. i was terrible company for both dave and mike, and yet i found it hard to break away from them and go home. i just wanted to break down and cry in dave's arms.

instead, they walked me home, where i broke down and cried anyway.

it's hard to explain why i had this reaction. i wanted to do the teaching fellows program and i am doing it. but there's a lot of work to do this week, both for my old job and the fellows, and that's stressful. also, i have less than zero dollars in my bank account, and i'm not really going to be making any $$ this summer. so that freaks me out. and every once in a while, i sincerely question myself and my motivation.

am i doing the right thing? should i toy with a career that involves toying with children's lives? what if i suck? what if i make these kids hate school more than they already did? what if my safety really is in jeopardy at this school which is located in not the best neighborhood in the world?

as my best friend katie reminded me tonight, the worst case scenario is only that i do this for two years and move on. and even if it's miserable, it's not office management. and if it does work out, it could be amazing.

i just will never understand why life is filled with long stretches of nothingness followed by as much change as possible fit into as little time as possible.

thankfully, i am surrounded by people who love and support me. my mom is awesome. katie is awesome. my friends alex and sara are being awesome. dave, of course, is going above and beyond the duty of a boyfriend right now. even my coworkers are being incredibly understanding.

i just have to stop being afraid and tackle the tasks ahead of me, including:
getting a subletter
figuring out where i'll be living this summer
getting my physical
getting records of my immunizations
visiting my new school
visiting an existing fellow and writing a report on that
figuring out $$ for the summer

that's no so bad, right?

 

[Randilicious]

ugly/hot

why is it when i feel my ugliest, i get the most male attention?

i'll keep this short, b/c there's a ton to do at work, but i have two little stories:

1. i observed a teaching fellow in south brooklyn today. he was a cluster science teacher -- meaning he floated to different elementary grade classes and taught. he kept warning me about his "special needs" 5th grade class, because they were all male, big, bulky and dangerous. i have to admit, i was a bit worried for my personal safety, but i was more worried about ridicule. i remember being that grade and the stuff boys could say. and here i was, a frumpy looking (or so i felt today) white woman invading their classroom.

but those kids took to me like a fish takes to water. they asked me to sign their yearbooks, they asked questions about me, they were fun and polite and interesting. i really dug them.

the one questionable yet hilarious moment came when jose, the troublemaker out of a class of socially-dysfunctional troublemakers, pointed to me and told his buddy, "yeah, vanilla's always been my favorite flavor." i guess i should have been offended, but frankly, i was flattered and so entertained.

2. i had to come back to the office this afternoon to catch up on some CMHA work. so now, not only was i feeling frumpy, i also felt dirty and gross from a ton of commuting in this moist heat. i mean frankly, it's just hard to believe that i don't look like shit right now.

however, i was just in the copy room, when this hot (i always feel weird describing men like this, even though my boyfriend describes other hot women all the time in his journal -- i am such a PRUDE) office drone walks in. i mean, HOT! anyhow, he asked if i would be there long, and i said no, a couple of more pages.

well, i underestimated the document, and it was actually 15 more pages. i told him this and apologized, and he said, "oh, i guess i can forgive you. but it'll cost you."

i laughed and said, "good luck getting money out of MY account."

he said, "oh, i could think of other ways you could repay me that don't involve money."

thankfully, his coworker came in with a crisis RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT and took him away. how disgustingly inappropriate, and yet how disgustingly flattering on a day when i honestly feel that i look like Queen Elizabeth.

that's my story.

moral: when randi feels butt-ugly, men find her attractive. and, unfortunately, when she feels attractive, they usually think otherwise...

 

[Randilicious]

grocery

the older lesbian with the salt and pepper crew cut just beat me for the next place in line at the supermarket. i saw her two aisles back, brandishing her bags of tomatoes like numbchucks, eyeing me with the ferocity of a viking as she stormed ahead. fine, i think, go next. i don’t really have anywhere to be.

as she retrieves the one dollar bill necessary to pay for her fruits, she eyes the goods i have placed upon the counter: a large pack of roach traps, a jar of all-natural strawberry jelly and a carton of haagen-daz vanilla caramel brownie ice cream. i think, but i am not sure, that she is hypothesizing about my life, and i am madly curious about her conclusions.

i don’t know why i’m getting the ice cream. i’m not particularly hungry. i am, however, in the midst of pre-menstrual hell and at the end of a long, sad, lonely day. i guess it just seems necessary.

she storms out of the store and the chinese salesman begins to ring up my purchases. i give him a twenty and notice the couple behind me as he makes change. she is very thin, tan and blond; he is tall, muscular, and dark. they are joking about the name of the supermarket – banana express – making fun of both the banana selection and the speed with which we are being checked out. they seem happy and completely in love. they are buying fruits and vegetables, organic eggs, fish, water and yogurt. now i am the one hypothesizing.

the salesman wishes me ‘happy evening’ as i emerge into the lavender night. scores of fellow west villagers are out walking their dogs, chatting with their children, staring moonily at their lovers. i feel completely alone.

as i round bedford, i think about my plans for the night. i will first return the call from my best friend, listen to her many tales of unrequited love and then relate my own stories of sex, uncertainty, insecurity and fear. we will relate our unhappiness to each other with such ingenuity that it seems funny.

that will last at least two hours, after which i will clean the kitchen from floor to ceiling with pure bleach. the huge roaches that have become squatters in my overpriced apartment will lose their precious eggs during this process, and i will feel like god, eliminating their hopes for reproduction. i will then meticulously lay the large traps my boyfriend recommended i buy in sneaky places throughout the kitchen and bathroom (which i should also clean but won’t). i like imagining them being lured by these gorgeous traps, entering them and consuming the mysterious substance inside, then spreading the fatality to their entire friends and families. i am happy about the genocide about to occur in my apartment.

after that, i’ll probably attack the ice cream – eating much more of it than i’d anticipated. i’ll feel sad and guilty at that, so then i’ll probably put in a country cd and curl up on my bed for a while.

this is not a good day. i know that there will be good days and i know that everybody has these bad days. but while i’m in the middle of them, i can foresee no chance to ever escape.

i am at my mailbox now and not at all surprised that nothing has come for me. i pick up the stack of junk mail my roommate has accumulated and enter the building. somebody on the first floor is cooking marinara sauce with lots of garlic. in the distance, i can hear a baby cry. maybe it's a puppy.

 

[Randilicious]

HOORAY - LAST DAY!

last day at my job! it's the last day at my job! HOORAY, LAST DAY! HOORAY, LAST DAY!

no more "outside of the box" man! no more suggestively dressing yvette who laughs like a hyena doing bad blow! no more mile-long hike to the bathroom stall! no more battling the fax maching! no more writing emails for my boss! no more writing 6,000,000 bills every day! NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!!

happy happy happy. plus my roommate is going out of town this weekend, so more happy.

 

[Randilicious]

also - weird random things that happened yesterday...

in yesterday's bad mood, i forgot to report some weird events:

1. while i was using the facilities in my office building, i heard a woman come in. she and the other woman at the sink exchanged pleasanteries. apparently the one who just entered had been away for a while, so they were kind of catching up.

the one who entered (let's call her ms. potty) excused herself to use the stall. the other one (let's call her ms. sink) didn't cease talking. ms. sink began asking ms. potty all these questions about tampa, where ms. potty had been during her absence. judging from the time ms. potty was on the pot, she wasn't in there for a quick pee (obviously, neither was i). she was trying to get down to business, and by business i mean taking a big dump. but ms. sink wouldn't shut up. question after question after question, all while ms. potty was trying to relax and fall into "the zone." i felt for ms. potty. women are so weird.

2. on my hunt for roach traps (see previous entry) i went to the cvs on 6th avenue near my apartment. some man and his two children - around the age of 10 - came in and started playing tag or hide and seek or something - in the motherfucking store. whatever it was, it resulted in these rugrats and riduculous old guy whizzing past me as perused the antihistemines and nyquil selection (COUGH COUGH GO AWAY!). i was NOT happy.

and then i could find nothing in the way of pest control. i found pet food, doritoes, condoms, yeast infection kits, lipstick, razors -- NO ROACH TRAPS. so i grabbed the first employee i saw and asked, "do you know where the roach traps are?" he looked at me with that look that says, "shit -- i don't speak any english but i have to pretend that i do." then he said, "uh, what is they for?" and i said, my patience seriously waning, "roach traps -- to kill roaches?" and he said, "oh, no, i no think we have." and i said, a little too bitchily, "right, sure," and walked off.

eventually, i found roach sprays but it's true -- they had NO roach traps whatsoever. as i stood in line to pay for my other purchases, i saw the employee rushing up to me. "this is what you want?" he asked, holding out a loofah foot brush.

"no thank you," i said, my heart melting for this poor guy who went out of his way to help me, even though a loofah foot brush would be a strange way to kill some roaches. i guess i could exfoliate the suckers...

funny day. and by funny, i mean weird.

 

[Randilicious]

WARNING: CHEESE AHEAD!

i am absolutely positive i made the right decision about the teaching fellows. today, that is. as me the same question one month into teaching...

today was the opening ceremony. i nearly cried several times during the ceremony. i stifled a sob when a 2000 fellow led his violin students in multiple variations on "twinkle twinkle little star." i choked up when another fellow's students read their essays entitled "what makes a good teacher". i became extremely misty when three of last year's fellows read segments of their journals -- chronicalling problem students and how those students progressed through patience and perseverence. i swelled with teary pride when they told us that 16,000 people applied and 2,000 of us made it. i nearly cried when chancellor levy and randi weingarten reminded us how hard the road is which lies ahead, yet how important that it is that we travel that road.

yep, i am SUCH a sucker for children's performances and a good speech. but i truly am excited now that a lot of the initial hoops have been jumped through and now i can get into the real stuff.

i go to city college tomorrow to register for my master's classes. by july 13, i need to be ready to take my certification class so i can teach in the fall. this summer will be spent observing summer school, taking master's classes and completing a fellows advisory course. it's so good to be back in school.

i'm also very excited to get to know my peers. how wonderful to be surrounded by non-jaded, idealistic folk. no matter how sarcastic and tough i can act (I CAN! I CAN!), i am a beaming little optimist at heart with big-ass plans to change the world. it was nice to be in similar company today.

i'm still scared, but now i'm scared in that excited way.

******

although i am an optimist, there are certain areas of my life about which i am either pessimistic or reluctantly optimistic. love would be one of those areas, and that is why i rarely write about dave.

but i must defy my timid nature and write that right now, i can't help but feel like things are really falling into place in my life. i feel really excited about my career. it took four years, but i have built a nest of friends in NYC whom i love and can depend on. i have my choice of creative outlets, and glorious peers with whom i can exercise that creativity. i've learned how to love my family from afar, and relish the short amount of time i get to see them each year.

and yes, yes, i have found a man who manages to maintain the very difficult balance a woman like me requires: compassion, honesty, patience, passion, intelligence, humor and encouragement. we, like every couple, have our problems, but i am endlessly amazed by his complexity, by his enormous heart, by his youthful spirit, by his talent, by so many little things he does for me that show me he cares in a way nobody has ever cared for me. i know i'm embarrassing the shit out of him right now, so i'll shut up.

i guess i'm just really happy right now, and i'm getting used to that. it sounds pathetic, but i'm not really used to being happy. i highly recommend it...

 

[Randilicious]

what am i doing?

that last entry is pretty much null and void. not all of it of course, in fact, not even most what i'm saying in it. but that fucking cheery pollyanna tone is definitely dead.

class starts at 9am and ends at 6pm. for now. in a little over a week, i'll arrive at a summer school class at 8am (where i'll observe and assist), leave around noon, then book it to city college where i'll have classes, again, until 6pm. i go home to read, write papers, and study - independently - for the certification exams i'll take next month. when i daydream during class, it's not about sex or swimming on the beach, it's about how i'm going to have to budget so $3000 will last me until october (when they tell us we get our first paycheck -- after already working over a month and a half), or how i can manage my time so i can still have some semblance of a social life.

wah wah woe is me. i know. i made my bed and now i'll lie in it. but this is an adjustment. i haven't been in school in around 4 years. i'll be starting a brand new job. i have no money whatsoever. no time whatsoever. you get the idea. i can do this. i know i can.

it's not all bad. i really dig my classmates, and the classes themselves are pretty interesting. so far, the course work is manageable, but i worry about when i'll be in school AND teaching full-time. i am, however, excited to start actually working with kids.

but tonight, i must write a paper - my educational history. i'm not too worried about it. but i have that existential lonliness that comes from spending most of your day in doors and going several days without seeing your other friends. ISOLATED. FREAKED OUT. that's what i am.

but, by god, i'm going to be a teacher. even if it kills me.

 

[Randilicious]

LIPS

i'm not even sure why i'm replying; i should be doing my homework.

but i hate leaving it at that morbid last entry. things are much better now. i'm adjusting. i'm excited in addition to being scared now.

ok -- i must return to homework and such. i've decided to include one of my old-school, love-obsessed, sexuality-questioning, self-indulgent, pseudo-crappy prose poems for your enjoyment. ah, life is so much better now that the object of my desires actually cares about me...
*****
lips lips the lips i’ve wanted to kiss the lips i’ve never kissed the lips i kissed and wondered why the lips i didn’t mean to kiss the last kiss i didn’t know was the last the first kiss i didn’t know was the last the kiss i prayed was the last the kisses i can’t remember the kisses i don’t want to remember the kisses i’ll never forget your kisses his kisses her kisses big lips little lips strong lips soft lips wet lips dry lips lips on my lips on my lips not on my face lips i need lips i need lips

the last time we kissed you were heading out to catch a plane i didn’t know it was the last kiss it was 5am i was half awake i hadn’t brushed my teeth and i didn’t want to kiss too deeply you had brushed you tasted like colgate you were gone and i was back in bed

a month later i would mourn the last kiss that shouldn’t have been the last the last kiss that was too mundane too forgettable to be the last the kind of kiss i never would have remembered except it was the last

if i had known how long it would have been before i’d kiss again (still pending) i would have run to the bathroom, brushed diligently, and given you the deepest most heartfelt kiss ever

i did not know it was the last

i’m obsessed with his kiss the new him the new him with a girlfriend him the him i’ll never kiss the him who’s so uptight so unlike you and that’s what i covet about him what turns me on him with his rules and neurosis and innocence and negativity ha he is not you he is not you i do not want him to be you his differences are what i like his differences which prevent him from cheating on his girlfriend cheating on her with me just one kiss those full pink lips those brown eyes and clean cheekbones that bulge that bulge i know is there the bulge i want to coax out but will not because he is not you and he is true to her to a her i wouldn’t even mind kissing cause she’s so beautiful but she is his she is his you are hers she is his and i am mine two lips to your four

there was a her i could have kissed and did kiss though she never knew how i wanted to kiss her in the movie theater tonight thinking of her sharp nose and shiny hair and that smell that deep smell not just perfume but other smells and her lips her lips with teeth underneath her teeth and my teeth locked in a silly kiss an experiment gone wrong and messy in my pants i didn’t mean to feel this way buddy ol pal i didn’t you with your pearl necklace of boyfriends you with your possession of me i am not a girl’s girl i am not a dyke i just want you your lips i haven’t seen in a year what i would not give to kiss those lips tonight

my lips a bottom too big a top too small the taste of spit and food the day under my lips my teeth uneven and jagged my sharp pointy tongue my mouth warm and untouched it needs to be touched it fears being touched

lips lips i need lips i need lips

 

[Randilicious]

remember me?

AIM: Students will remember randi using examples of what she used to write about in this journal and will learn more about her using examples of her activities since the last entry.
HOMEWORK: Write a passage in your own journal, either relating a similar event in your own life or sharing your opinion of randi's actions. 3 paragraghs - due tomorrow.

*****
remember me, everybody? you know, the girl who used to write in this journal ALL THE TIME, usually complaining about trivial things, like her nymphomaniac/expositionist roommate?

well, i'm back, but i've no time to complain. and since i'm subletting my apartment this summer to lessen my financial burden (which refuses to be satisfied by this "stipend" NYC is offering me for 10 hours of work a day, 5 days a week), my main sourse of malaise is happily absent from my life.

i'm adjusting to the fellows program. i've explained to dave, who's expertly navigated the hurricane waters of my emotions since all this started, that the New York City Teaching Fellows' Summer Program is akin to boot camp. you're working long hours a day, you have no free time/money for a social life, your spirit is nearly shattered when you read stories of how injust and cruel inner-city educational systems can be, and you're freakin' isolated, surrounded by the same folks ALL DAY LONG.

not that it's bad -- not at all. my classes are interesting (and so far i'm making straight A's -- YES!). my teachers are funny and no-nonsense. i'm loving MOST of my classmates (some may not survive the course, however, either by being thrown out due to their own laissez-faire attitude toward it or the rage they stir up in ME due to their laissez-faire attitude).

and best of all, they placed us with teachers in summer school programs so now i'm finally WORKING WITH KIDS. the night before summer school started (last sunday), i was frantic and nervous. i had to finish a paper for school, pick out what i was going to wear, and find a way to wake up before 6:30 am so i could make it to the bronx on time. to those of you who saw me at the cinema classics juicebox/corpa show, i apologize. i was not myself. (and the shows were great!)

i broke down crying sunday. i had to resort to borrowing money from my mother, something which bothers me more than i can begin to express. i've always been the child who never asked for anything -- and i didn't to shatter that tradition. plus, my family's basically PO -- so asking for anything provides extra stress on them AND me. but a girl's gotta eat.

i was also upset b/c i really didn't want to sublet my place at the last minute. i love my room in my apartment, i love my neighborhood, i love my privacy. but again, a girl's gotta eat.

and most importantly, i feared i was doing the wrong thing by joining the fellows -- that i'd get to summer school the next day and hate myself for ever pursuing this.

of course, that did not happen. after two days, i've fallen madly in love with the third graders i'm co-teaching. they need lots of help and attention in order to pass their exams and progress onto the fourth grade, so it's stressful, but still fantastic. as cheesy as it sounds, being around children fulfills some unidentifiable longing in me, and leaves me more content than (most) anything i can think of.

so, long story shorter, i'm very pleased with the decision i have made. this summer will be rough, what with teaching, taking my own classes, and studying for the certification exams (which i take next week -- SHIT), but it's so much better to be hectic and busy yet ENGAGED IN AND RIVITED BY MY LIFE rather than city in a bleak office for eight hours then running home to watch TV.

well, i gotta go to class now. maybe i'll see some of ya's this holiday weekend.
*****

Stay tuned for stories of my students and my nutty hosting teacher, Ms. Motz...

 

[Randilicious]

how do you spell moocher?

hate mooching. hate feeling like i'm exhasperating everyone. hate feeling annoying and ridiculous.

my mom's money hasn't cleared into my bank account yet, so i'm draning others of their money - mainly dave. i'm trying not slit my wrists over it. i really feel like shit. like poor, needy, leechy, parasitic shit.

so who's going to the marathon?

 

[Randilicious]

marathon mania

well, i am no scott jennings, but i did see 18 1/2 hours of the marathon! that's less than $1/hour for my entertainment. you can't beat that with a stick.

congrats to all the teams, and to scott for surviving and, in fact, flourishing at moments. juicebox! and corpa kicked sunday morning ass, and teams like wicked fuckin' queer and baby wants candy KILLED me. i haven't stayed up that many hours in a row since college. it was fun!

i have very little time to write right now, but i wanted to begin a description of my summer school class. many of you have asked how the teaching fellows program is going, and i want to thank you for the support. while i'm very psyched and i am enjoying myself tremendously, the program is pretty exhausting and my constant moving around and lack of $$ this summer is pretty stressful. but the people in my life (dave, of course, especially) are being incredibly supportive. i am a lucky filly.

ms. motz (my hosting teacher) is basically the real-life version of a weeble-wobble. she's 5' tall at best and completely rotund. she's got a thick jersey accent and hugs everyone she meets. probably in her sixties, she's completely lovable and fiesty -- at first.

alas, she's from an era when adults used humiliation as a motivational tool. wait - let me backtrack.

in case you don't know, kids go to summer school because they didn't pass all or part of their year-end standardized tests. summer school is supposed to be a month-long crash-course on the skills they need to pass it so they can move onto the next grade. if they don't pass at the end of summer school, they are held back a year.

that said, every kid in the class needs incredible motivation to stay focused and learn in a very short amount of time. ms. motz thinks it's helpful to ask them, over and over, every single day, what scores they got on their tests. if a student failed math, for example, she'll say, "i don't know how you plan to pass math when you scored so badly on it in the first place." (note to ms. motz: it's your job to teach it, lady. just pointing out that the kid failed isn't going to make her suddenly ace the test.) she also talks about kids like they're not there. she'll say, "now, i think this one [indicating one of the children] might need to go to special ed 'cause he's so slow." sometimes i feel like stabbing her with a pencil.

enough negativity. i LOVE the kids. they're incredibly adorable and very bright if you're patient with them (and if you don't incessantly ridicule them). they become restless easily if not occupied, and some of them damn near demand personal attention every minute of the day. although i'm far from being proficient, i feel like i'm getting better at managing and teaching them every day.

highlights of some of the kids:

justin: in summer school just to brush up his skills (i.e. he passed the tests), justin is very adorable and bright, but a little bit of a know-it-all. he ADORES me and gets so excited when he sees me before class. although his ego can get on my nerves during class, i find myself loving him because he reminds me of me when i was a kid.

destiny: destiny's got something going on that i don't quite understand. she loses focus so easily, and can come across very challenged. the moment you give her extra attention, though, she blossoms. her favorite show is the cosby show on nick-at-night.

jhosse: the troublemaker i'm supposed to hate, i LOVE jhosse (pronounced Joseph -- i dunno). he's the class clown and very outgoing. he distracts everyone a lot of the time, but when he's focused, he's very bright and interesting.

miss: that's her name. miss. another favorite i'm not supposed to have, miss is quiet during class but responds quite fluently when you ask her a question. she sat by me as i did reading today and kept playing with my hair. i'm really supposed to discourage that kind of behavior, but it was so damned sweet.

abegail: possibly the most beautiful little girl i've ever seen, abegail is from west africa and alternates between being very focused and attentive to being very distracted and tired. something's going on there...

there's also angel, kelvin and djenaba -- but i'll have to discuss them some other time.

when i'm actually teaching (and not running errands for the frazzle-brained ms. motz), the time FLIES at summer school. ms. motz continually has to remind me that it's time for me to leave and come to city college (for my grad school courses). that never used to happen when i was in admin work.

and, in case you're interested, the rest of my day is as follows:

lunch in the cafeteria
check email
4 hours of master's coursework
1 hour with a practicioner (a teacher who teaches specific skills)
2 hours with a fellow advisor, teaching practical stuff for the fall

then it's go home, eat dinner, do homework.

a full f'ing day, but so very worth it.

ok, time to go to class. the one where i'm the student, i mean.

 

[Randilicious]

i, personally, believe the children are our future.

just a quick teaching fellows update:

i'm surviving, although i come a little closer to murdering ms. motz each day. let me list some of ms. motz's fantastic teaching methods:

1. tardiness every day. *while i -- the girl who can barely wake up in the morning and will probably be late to my own wedding -- get to school AT LEAST 1/2 hour early every day (a lot of preparation is involved with teaching), ms. motz barely makes there by the time the kids come up. then she has the nerve to yell at them for being late.*
2. if a child is a bit untidy, yell at her and insult her in front of class. this is especially important in impoverished school districts where children already have low self-esteem.
3. speaking of low self-esteem, always mention the area a child is challenged in, and follow up by saying, "you're going to fail! do you hear me?"
4. don't know what the hell you're teaching. even though it's only third grade and you should have at least finished college, neglect to pronounce words correctly, misinterpret simple literary and mathematical concepts and misspell EVERYTHING.
5. forget what you're doing mid-way through. in other words, start a project with the kids, get distracted, start something else, then yell at them for not completing the first thing.
6. if a child looks like he's having emotional problems and you want to be concerned (which OCCASIONALLY happens), ask him loudly in front of the entire class if something's wrong at home, then sigh exhasperatedly when he doesn't answer and starts to cry.
7. use the teaching fellow -- who's there to learn and teach -- to run copies for you and make posters (because your own handwriting looks like SHIT).

ok. enough negativity. the more i'm with the kids, the more i realize that this is the perfect career for me. i love to be creative (like making posters for the classroom), i love to read, i love speaking in front of people, and i adore children.

one kid is really worrying me, though. she cried in class today (see #6) after being scolded for not working on her reading test. i took her aside and told her that if she wanted to talk one-on-one that i would meet her in the cafeteria tomorrow morning at 8 (15 minutes before class). i knew she wouldn't want to talk in front of everybody and i always have to leave early to come to CCNY for my coursework. i hope she shows up tomorrow because she really seems to be troubled.

i talked to my fellow advisor (part advocate, part mentor, part drill sergeant) about my concern that i'm going to get too involved with the kids. she told me that that's the best thing that could happen, and as a teacher she's always too concerned with the kids. she meets them before and after school, during lunch and on her prep period, on the weekends, etc. that inspired me to ask djenaba to meet me tomorrow, and it also made me relieved. i just don't think it's possible to not get caught up in these kids' lives.

ok, i'm going to finish checking my email and go to class...

 

[Randilicious]

streamofconsiousnesspsychobabble...

eight hours of testing more than eight if you count the time it took 2000 people to get in and out of one room one frigid room so cold my left hand turned numb seriously i couldn't feel my fingers but i tried not to notice that as i wrote an essay about a journalist's write to do undercover reporting and i answered 180 multiple choice questions about "the main idea of this passage" and the pythagorean theorum and work = force x distance and the vietnam war and woodwind instruments and cardiovascular exercise and should i remove a comma or add a colon to correct this sentence

i felt the cramps approaching and i knew i started my period in the middle of the test i could have gone to the bathroom but there was a procedure to go through and you couldn't take your purse w/ you (b/c you might cheat) so i would have had to get my tampon out in front of the two men from kentucky i was sandwiched between (sorting us by our social security numbers means we sat by people from our home states) so i suffered through and went to the bathroom afterwards cursing my body's poor timing but rejoicing (like i do every month) for a week's worth of pain and discomfort over 18 years of parenthood

tomorrow i move all my stuff to another friend's apartment and then another's the week after i miss my room i miss my bed i do not miss my roommate i wish that i wasn't going to miss dave but i will and that makes me disgusted with myself i want to be strong i want to not be vulnerable i want to be a solid impenetrable island but i am a flimsy heart cut out of trace paper crumbling at the smallest breeze

i have to go now b/c i'm going to the juicebox/corpa show i hope i can laugh i don't feel like laughing i feel like crying or curling up into my mama's arms i will see my mama soon and when i do i'll just hug her and hug her and hug her

 

[Randilicious]

homeless

i hate not being in my own place. this is only temporary, i keep telling myself, and i'm incredibly lucky to have friends willing to take me in. but i'm sad.

staying at dave's was different. i was used to spending a night or two there, so i wasn't completely unfamiliar. he's a very busy guy, too, so many nights i got to hang by myself and do homework or talk on the phone or whatever. and when he was there, we fell into a nice rhythm - a good mixture of solitude and companionship. ok - this is sounding suspiciously mushy, so i'll move on.

now i'm at my friend alex's. it's a nice apartment with a cute cat. but a) it's in harlem and that's more of a problem than i thought it would be. the neighborhood's pretty dirty (and smells bad) and the men eye me with something more sinister than curiosity. b) i sleep on a couch here, and while it's comfortable, it is just more of a reminder that i'm not home. c) they're here more often, so it's harder to balance homework and "me-time."

but, the good/bad news is that i'll be back in my place sooner than suspected. my subletter couldn't handle the sheer tininess of my apartment, so he's leaving a month early. i'm too busy and tired to try to find another subletter, so i'm just going to suck it up and borrow the money to move back home. of course, now the girl whose place i was going to sublet is pissed off at me.

but let me explain more of that: she's a friend from college with whom i've had many "issues" in the past. when i asked if i could sublet her place (she's going abroad for a month and a half), she was reluctant, stating she feared her landlord would get mad. she had planned to just pay for it during her absence. but my persistence persuaded her, and she agreed as a favor to me.

then, she got really bitchy about it. she wanted to charge me more than one month's rent, she wouldn't let me move in any earlier than the exact day she would be leaving (although i've spent the night up there before) and she needed the $$ immediately.

now that i can't do it anymore, she wants me to try to find a replacement. well, i want her to kiss my ass. there's a whole back-story here that i won't get into, but let's just say she's the only friend of mine who's ever physically assaulted me and vice versa.

the other sucky news is that my cold is back. about once a month i've been getting this respiratory infection which makes me hack 24/7. my lungs hurt, my throat tickles, i feel like shit. my doctor insists it's allergies, but i don't know...

i am an emotional mess. sick, tired, in transit -- arrgh! i want my mommy.