Michael Chertoff (Homeland Security Department boss) told Congress that he will instate a
zero-tolerance policy for ALL illegal immigants in the US. This will replace the current policy of
catch and release. I like when Mexicans are discussed as if they were fish.
The
MTA pulls a
W! George Bush "won" his first election by giving everyone $300. The MTA is hoping New Yorkers will be similarly stupid by offering
holiday discounts. They're hoping we'll forget that
they have hundreds of millions of dollars in surplus but STILL want to raise fares (AGAIN). They're hoping we'll forget that
the subway has not become safer in the last 4 years. I, on the other hand, am hoping that everyone at the MTA gets
diarrhea.
Sticky Fingaz? Not really. You know how sometimes you check out of a hotel and you realize you left your toothbrush in the bathroom? Well, Sticky Fingaz (nee
Kirk Jones)
left his 9 mm handgun on the floor of his hotel room when he checked out. Oh, Sticky. Will you ever win?
Joe Torre will return as manager of the Yankees next year. Which we all kind of expected for a number of reasons. And that number is
13,100,000.
Anyone that says that they still remain unsure as to what
Harriet Miers would do on the Supreme Court is either
delusional or
severely retarded. Or
both.
Irvin Castillo, a 14-year-old with a very silly name, was punched in the face by a 51-year-old man. The man punched him in the
Validus Prep cafeteria. The man who punched him was a math teacher there named
David Cody. David punched Irvin after Irvin sprayed David in the face with water. Irvin's parents are pressing charges. David is in deep shit.
Did
Nick and
Jessica get
divorced? Who cares?
The Post reports that
The Rev. James Pilsner hanged himself on Monday. But shouldn't it have reported that he
hung himself? Anybody know for sure?
China claims to have invented a
hangover-less vodka. It's called Han. They're so proud of their breakthrough that
they invaded Japan today!
http://www.sciencedaily.com/upi/?feed=TopNews&article=UPI-1-20051019-04182900-bc-japan-fakeyahoo.xml
Melanie Griffith is being sought to replace
Christina Appelgate in
Sweet Charity. That's just wrong for so many reasons.
Ashton Kutcher has sold
Fox a new sitcom called
30 Year Old Grandpa. Yes, it is based in part on his hilarious marriage to
an old woman. And based on how much I enjoy
Punk'd,
That 70's Show and
the thing he did with the nerds and models, I expect to not watch this one either.
David Copperfield (the illusionist, not the Dickens novel) plans to impregnate a woman onstage...
WITHOUT TOUCHING HER!
"Naturally, it will be without sex. Everyone will be happy about it." What the fuck does that mean? Everyone will be happy about it? Why? Oh, David Copperfield. Why can't you make you disappear?
Verbatim from the Post:
Some folks in "[American] Idol" Fantasia Barrino's hometown want to take down her picture from the local high school after she claimed in her new book that she went through the system but never learned to read. Well, then, how'd she write the book? Check. And. Mate.
In closing, dear readers, if anyone knows of any decent employment opportunities in the greater Manhattan area, please let me know. I am not long for this desk.
Happy New Comics Day, ever'buddy!
