Entertainment... Weakly.

[Resnik]

[youtube]2B8MFKs6qpU[/youtube]

Is there a better way to spend 5 minutes and 51 seconds?

Not right now there isn't.

First Kramer repeatedly calls two people niggers because they were ordering their drinks too loudly while he was doing his stand-up comedies, now Louie winds up sitting on Rosie O'Donnell's lap pretending he's retarded (after almost throwing up during his explanation of Deck the Halls- seriously!)... it makes you wonder what kind of crazy shit Dan Fielding will get himself videotaped doing next week. Or Dee. Or Skippy (although his Last Comic Standing appearance might have been the comedic equivalent of choking back vomit on national television).

Incidentally, the story was initially that DeVito had been up all night with George Clooney and got to the View taping having not yet slept, which would explain his apparent delirium (not really, I know, but play along). But 2 and a half hours earlier, DeVito was on Fox & Friends in perfectly lucid form.

So. If he was drunk, he got drunk between shows.

Classy.

DeVito's publicist said that he will have a private discussion with Barbara Walters before he issues an official statement.

I can't wait.

*****

Britney Spears has pulled out of her co-hosting gig with Paris Hilton.

I have a feeling that with Britney gone, Billboard isn't going to let Paris do it by herself. Call it a hunch.

*****

How can you not hate the MTA?

Here's their generous gift to the city: no automatic fare hikes in 2007 and 2009.

1) Not "no fare hikes" but rather "no automatic fare hikes" which still allows for "whimsical fare hikes" and "emergency fare hikes" and "fare hikes to further underwrite the removal of MTA employees from token booths, which makes those stations more dangerous but, at the same time, because we at the MTA looove irony, your fee to enter these increasingly dangerous open toilets will rise."

2) THEY HAVE NOT YET MADE A DECISION ABOUT 2007.

Think about that. How ridiculous is that? "OK. Next year, no automatic fare hike. In three years, no automatic fare hike. In two years? Yeah, we might throw in an automatic fare hike. Which, come to think of it, would raise the fare in 2009 (relative to its current cost), but there wouldn't be an additional automatic fare hike in 2009. But expect to get violently cornholed in 2010. We also hereby pledge that for the first three months of 2011, there will be a mandatory freeze on all prices. Then, from the fifth month through ninth month, same thing. We still haven't made a decision about April, October or December. If we decide to do something in November of 2011, we must take out full-page ads in newspapers announcing this no later than the last Thursday in August of that year."

I hate the MTA.

*****

Also, I hate cabs a little bit more starting today. They just got more 'spensive ever'buddy.

Sigh.

*****

"It is time to face reality and recognize Iraq is in a state of civil war."
-Colin Powell, yesterday

*****

Lord, I sure do love it when The Simpsons predicts the future. Remember Herb's million-dollar idea? The machine that translated baby language into understandable sentences?

Well, it isn't a baby translator, but Priscilla Dunstan'll do ya one better. She done decoded ALL baby language (five "words")! Yes, ALL babies speak The Dunstan Baby Language! So... if your baby makes a noise that doesn't appear on the list below, then he or she is a moron.

Here (in all seriousness) are the five words that Prissy done decodified:

Neh = I am hungry.
Owh = I am sleepy.
Heh = I am experiencing discomfort.
Eairh = I have lower gas. (I think that means the baby has to fart, but I'm not entirely certain)
Eh = I need to burp.

You can buy her DVD at dunstanbaby.com.

Heh.

*****

50 Cent told Elle magazine that he thinks Oprah Winfrey started out as a strong black woman, but she has become a middle-aged white woman.

Oprah is going to have him Chappelle'd. Just you wait.

*****
Today's guest writer is David Mamet!

(phone rings)

Hello? Hey, you! How are... yeah. No, I know.... I know. Yeah, it was on the news last night. But didja hear about Lindsay Lohan? She's totally considering joining AA. Alco... No, AA, Alcoholics An... no, the car people are Triple A. No, I said AA, I said two... no, I only said A twice... AA... Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah... right, I know! Gabby told me that when Lindsay was at the AA meeting... no, me... a meeting, an AA meeting. And... uh-huh... right, Alcoholics Anonymous. And this guy there was totally, like, macking on her and she really had to fart? She was holding in the fart? The fart... The fart. She was holding. The Fart. Yes. Holding. The. She. Yes. So she coughed? But it was a really awkward cough and some blood came out. Of her vagina... and her nose. Dead serious. I wouldn't lie about that. Also, did you hear that Sean Connery was originally asked to play Gandalf in the Lord of the Rings movies? They estimated that if he accepted the role, he would have made $434,000,000. What an idiot! No... I didn't... not you... Sean... no, I know your name isn't Sean... no, I was talking... right, no, I was talking about Sean Connery...

I apologize. This seemed like a funny idea.

Seemed.

Oh, and by the way, Ethan? My mom said that a woman's period does not have that name because the blood comes from her colon.

You owe me a dollar.

*****

Snoop Dogg got arrested after appearing on The Tonight Show (cops found cocaine, marijuana and... all together now... a gun. Suge Knight says of Snoop Dogg (who was also arrested on October 26th AND November 2nd of this year alone!), "Snoop is a rat. He's a police informer. This is the only guy who never goes to jail no matter what. I don't like rats."

In the new Rolling Stone, Snoop says of Suge, "I stepped to him [four years ago] at the BET Awards with my niggas, and he was more scared than a motherfucker. That was the scenario when niggas knew the balance had shifted. That's when everybody felt like the floodgates was open on Suge. Snoop dissed him in public and he didn't do nothing."

Attention, Snoop Dogg's children: hug your father tonight. Really hard. And tell him you love him. And start mentally spending your inheritance.

*****

Guess what percentage of New Orleans' peopulation is living there now!

Did you guess 70%

Wrong!

60%?

No!

Surely there's at least 50%...

Not even!

41%!

Mission accomplished!

*****

4-year-old Stevie Long saw his family was being robbed at gunpoint, so he snuck into his bedroom, dressed up as a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger, ran back downstairs AND SUCCESSFULLY CHASED THEM AWAY.

They had planned on forcing Stevie's mother to go to an ATM and withdraw money for them, but the 4-year-old was so intimidating that they just ran away.

Which is stupid! Because if you're robbing a house with a gun, you could get up to 20 years in prison. But if they had grabbed the 4-year-old and raped him to death, they might have gotten off with a warning!

A 4-year-old foils two adult burglars with a plastic sword and confidence. And Tere's nephew Will just tried to convince me that super-heroes aren't real.

They get jaded so early now...

*****

Robert Durst is still in Texas.

Phew.

*****

On March 18th, Arafat Nijmeh, 27-year-old Palestinian and U.S. citizen, told health workers that he wanted to castrate President Bush. He later told the Secret Service that his desired revenge was "not too harsh, considering what he has done to my country."

Welp, wanting to cut off the President's penis (and pleading guilty to that charge) will get you seven months in prison.

Duly noted.

*****

Jennifer Aniston's publicist says there is "absolutely no truth whatsoever" to the rumor that her client wants to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Damn.

*****

G'night!

 

[Resnik]

That cab fare hike? The one that wasn't supposed to cost customers more than an additional 11% (give or take) per ride?

Well, it can add up to 27% (give or take).

Well, there's always the MTA...

*****

...which just got the news that Peter Kalikow (MTA Chairman/Douchebag Emeritus) will step down from his post sometime next spring.

It's up to you now, Eliot. Clean up my subway system.

Please.

*****

How cool is this lawsuit?

Brenda Lifsey is suing Kraft Foods Inc.

Seriously, this is really fucking cool.

See, Brenda used their Kraft Dips Guacamole in a three-layer dip last year. Then she read the ingredients. Turns out the amount of avacado in the Kraft Dips Guacamole is less than 2%.

Brenda is suing for unspecified damages (which she will more than likely not get) and a Superior Court order barring Kraft from referring to their Kraft Dips Guacamole as guacamole.

Lawsuits like this make me clap and clap.

*****

You are Michael Knibb.

You are an IT Vice President at Citigroup.

You make $250,000/year.

You live in a $6,000/month penthouse that overlooks the U.N.

You just got busted for having a crystal-meth lab in your apartment (for the last time people, DON'T TRY TO BUY RED PHOSPHORUS AND IODINE CRYSTALS ONLINE. The feds totally monitor that shit).

You are going to lose your job.

And your apartment.

And, for many years, your freedom.

Because in America, drugs will get you a long stint in prison (while shaking a child to death will cost you just a year ot two... what a country!).

So, former Citibank IT VP, Michael Knibb, enjoy prison!

*****

Remember when Michael Richards (or was it his poor publicist, Howard Rubenstein?) told everyone that he's Jewish?

Well... he isn't.

His mom isn't Jewish.

His father isn't Jewish.

And he never converted.

So.

What does Mikey's extremely Jewish publicist have to say about this?

"He's spending a lot of time with his psychiatrist."

Touche, Howard.

*****

OMG! Lindsay Lohan has gone to, like, a bunch of AA meetings in the last few weeks. She is, like, TOTALLY not drinking anymore.

Except for the night of the GQ Men of the Year dinner. Lindsay (with her mother in tow). When Lindsay saw Jessica Biel arrive with her assistant (who, until several months ago, was Lindsay's assistant... what a thankless job that must be...), Lindsay started screaming and freaking out.

"If she stays, I'm outta here! I can't look at that girl! I can't believe you would allow an assistant in here - she doesn't belong in here!"

Will Ferrell, overhearing Lohan's outburst, turned to Leonardo DiCaprio, Al Gore and Ben Affleck and said, "Who cares about that freak anymore, anyway?"

Everybody laughed.

Later, Lindsay made out with Johnny Knoxville. Then her ex, Harry Morton arrived. Then Harry, Lindsay and Johnny left together.

It's a good thing her mother was there!

*****

Golan Cipel, the guy who outted then-Governor Jim McGreevey, told Larry King last night McGreevey isn't gay- he's bisexual.

His wife and kids must be so relieved!

*****

And today's King Stupid is... Michael Omelchunk, 27, of Long Island!

Michael called the cops on Wednesday to report a robbery.

See, Michael was packaging some marijuana when two guys broke in and took it.

Well, they didn't take all of it.

In fact, there was still seven and a half pounds of it at Mikey's home.

So Michael, who called the cops, was arrested and charged with possession.

All hail King Stupid!

*****

The runner-up for King Stupid is Martin Luther Jackson, 31.

On Thanksgiving, he got into a fight with his wife. So he tried to shove her head into their oven in front of their five children. His wife escaped and called the cops. MLJ ran away.

The police later found him hiding under a bed at his mother's house.

Enjoy prison, Martin!

*****

If you have tickets to see The Producers on Broadway, set fire to them now.

Tony Danza is the next Bialystock (starting this month) and the guy they're trying to get for the next Bloom?

Mario Lopez.

Yeah... Gene Wilder and Zero Mostel are totally Tony Danza and Mario Lopez.

That's not stunt casting. That's cunt casting.

*****

FYI: The new movie, 10 Items or Less, is in no way affiliated with the new TBS sitcom, 10 Items or Less.

You know, some supermarkets allow 12 items. Some allow only 8.

Couldn't one of these projects adjusted their name accordingly?

*****

NBC might post video of the Friday night rehearsal sessions for SNL on their website.

That would be really cool to see.

*****

[youtube]6mhbxlz_wrI[/youtube]

This made me laugh (watch the whole thing).

Thanks to Kirk for the YouTube help.

I'm going to try to post a new funny clip as often as possible.

G'night!

 

[Resnik]

Some of these Wonder Twins cartoons aren't that great, but dang it, this one made me giggle.

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But if you're Wonder Twin-averse, here's an ad for the Borat soundtrack.

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And, finally, Rhett Miller and Jon Brion live.

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If you tough it out to the end credits, there's a mildly-amusing payoff.

*****

Let's begin with some good news: garlic and onions might reduce your risk of contracting colon, ovarian and throat cancer.

Yay!

*****

If you've exited or entered the U.S. in the last few years, chances are the government has assigned you a "score." You cannot see or challenge your score and they will remain on file for the next 40 years.

If Bush is smart, he'll allow people to find out their gradeby appearing before a panel of three judges (one sarcastic Brit, one has-been pop songstress, and one fat minority or mincing queen). Americans love that shit.

Your score is based on your totals (out of a possible 30) in three categories: Originality, Personality and Lip Synch.

*****

Jewish Non-Jew Michael Richards has agreed to meet with the four black men he yelled at. He has agreed to Gloria Allred's request that a retired judge decide how much money he should give the men.

Here's the interesting part.

What was the first thing Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton did? Held press conferences. Released statements. Jesse had Michael on his radio show with lots of build-up and hoopla. Richards held press conferences, too.

And now a judge will decide what monetary compensation there should be.

And, because the affair has remained in the public eye for the last few weeks, a stronger argument could be made that the damage was greater than it actually was ("Your honor, it's been over a month and everywhere these men go, their humiliation is being downloaded a million times a day!").

So... Richards will have to pay more money (IMHO) because he and his publicist keep updating the press on his progress.

Jesse and Al are leaving victims in their wake left and right! Ned Lamont! Michael Richards! Will YOU be next?

*****

Ojani Noa is going to court to try and get permission to release a steamy tell-all about his marriage to Jennifer Lopez.

Good luck, Ojani.

*****

Russell Simmons will hold a press conference on Tuesday to promote "non-conflict diamonds."

The new Leonardo DiCaprio movie, Blood Diamond, is making conflict diamonds a hot topic. So Russell is holding a press conference to urge people to buy ONLY non-conflict diamonds.

Which, coincidentally, you can buy from the Simmons Jewelry Co.

Which, ironically, Russell built using money from rap music, which champions conflict.

*****

The folks behind the House of Carters reality show are in talks to create another reality show starring Kevin Federline.

Um... isn't that what The Surreal Life is for?

*****

Gayle King, Oprah's platonic friend whose vagina she massages, was talking about Michael Richards on her radio show (that's another $50,000, Mikey!) when she said, "You know, I have to say, in the privacy of my own home, with my closest friends, who shall remain nameless, you know, we have - we have used that [word] when we're talking about other people."

Wait. Oprah calls people "nigger"?

Wow.

*****

Kathy Griffin's plane almost crashed.

But, sadly, it didn't.

*****

30 Rock was picked up for a full season.

Finally!

Yay!

Let's end on a high note!

Have a lovely day!

 

[Resnik]

Lawrence Johnson, 25, punched his daughter at least once in the face.

She went to the hospital, where she died.

Cause of death? Blunt trauma to the head.

Age of deceased? 3 months old.

Enjoy prison, Lawrence. Make sure you tell everyone what you're in for.

*****

Why is the DVD box set of the seventh season of Seinfeld outselling all of the previous seasons? Why, that's easy! The Good and Honorable Reverend Jesse Jackson is urging the public to boycott Season 7!

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are the new Grim Reapers. If you're involved in some kind of scandal and they show up, just pray they don't try to shake your hand.

*****

Norman Mailer has written a new book. The Castle in the Forest tells the story of Adolf Hitler's years as a baby through the eyes of a devil assigned to monitor Baby Hitler.

While this may sound like an incredibly bad idea, here's an excerpt of the book that I think just might change your mind:

"Adolf's bowel movements now began to dominate [his mother] Klara's life... She wiped him so carefully that his eyes gleamed. He discovered Heaven."

Never mind.

*****

Page Six claims that Mayor Bloomberg called NBC to dis-invite Tracy Morgan from participating in the tree-lighting ceremony at Rockefeller Center.

Yet another reason I no like Mike.

*****

Today's King Stupid is David Gatton, 18, of Columbia City, Indiana.

David decided to take off all of his clothes and drive to an Arby's drive-thru. The police were called. He was arrested in a McDonald's parking lot.

Was this a sexual thing?

Was it a bet he lost?

Did he get his food from Arby's?

I don't know. All I know is that he's King Stupid for today.

All hail King Stupid!

*****

In Sean Taylor's first podcast movie review, his guest for the evening, Dave Thunder, proposed the installation of a button in movie theaters that would alert management if audience members were becoming unruly.

Regal Entertainment agrees with Thunder.

They will be installing a four-button system in 25 test markets.

The buttons will alert management if there are problems with:

1) picture and sound
2) unruly patrons
3) temperature issues
4) miscellaneous

Let me just warn you in advance, Regal.

If you install those in Westchester, old people will push button #4 constantly. When ushers arrive, they will point to the screen and say of various actors, "Where do I know her from?"

*****

Britney Spears' first husband (for almost two whole days!!!) is writing a tell-all. Jason Alexander (no, not that one) promises to shed light on his ex's tummy-tuck, their sex life (almost two whole days!!!) and (are you sitting down) Britney's bisexuality.

I just pictured Paris Hilton and Britney Spears making out.

I think that might be what drove Lindsay to AA.

(Lindsay would have driven herself, but she still doesn't quite hang the hang of it)

*****

Take us into the working week, Billy Wilder.

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[Resnik]

When it was announced that some credit card companies were "upgrading" to a new "swipe-free system" I thought, "What a terrible idea!"

That's one of the things I hate about the U.S. We are constantly trying to improve things that really can't be improved. First, we decide that, hey, elections shouldn't have a paper trail! Let's just trust the computers!

That turned out well.

Now, we are eschewing our receipts in exchange for an extra 25 seconds not spent signing our names.

Now for the good news.

The technology that allows you to hold your credit card up to a "no-swipe" receiver uses radio-frequency-identification (RFID). You can purchase an RFID reader for under $50. Then, you can walk down the street, read the cards of strangers (while they're still in their wallets!) and steal money from them.

So, if you're thinking about a glamorous life of never signing a receipt, you might want to reconsider.

Also, yogurt in a tube is retarded.

*****

200 hospitals in the U.S. with pediatric residency programs were surveyed.

59 of them had fast-food restaurants IN THE HOSPITAL.

And yet, we act like "the obesity epidemic" in our country is a surprise.

I'm loathin' it.

*****

Lawrence Johnson claimed he never hit his 3-month-old daughter... until he finally admitted he punched her four times in the back of the head.

Let's see... he'll plead guilty... so... 10 years?

*****

Kim "Tootie" Fields is having a baby.

The identity of the father is unknown as of yet, but I have it on good authority that the father is Mindy Cohn.

*****

Today's King Stupid is Billy Wayne Hayes, 57.

In 1968, he was sentenced to 10 years in prison for killing a man. On December 21, 1972, he signed out of his work release program in Nashville and skipped town.

He was found on Friday night in Alabama. He was working construction under the name Billy Wayne Hayes.

Here's a tip for any other folks out there that are fugitives from prison:

Don't use your real name ever again.

All hail King Stupid!

*****

Goodbye, Tanyon Sturtze! The Yankees have traded him to the Braves.

Good.

*****

Chris Matthews (Hardball) was in the hospital for all of last week due to complications from diabetes.

Get well soon, Chris.

*****

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Happy Monday, IRC!

 

[Resnik]

Someone on YouTube has kindly posted the Billy Wilder classic, The Big Carnival (aka Ace In The Hole). I am kindly posting it here.

I hate watching movies on my computer, but, since this movie isn't in print, it's the best I can do for you.

Here's Parts 1-8.

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[Resnik]

And here's Parts 9-14.

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God, I love this film.

*****

And now that you've spent your day at work watching a classic film, why not learn about the world around you?

Mayor Bloomberg is considering charging a fee for cars to drive below 60th Street.

Although city residents would be exempt.

But my parents would have to pay to visit my brother (but not me! Yay!).

I no like Mike.

*****

NASA wants to set up a permanent structure on the surface of the moon. They say they'll start by 2020, with a permanent staff in place by 2024.

Wouldn't it be easier to just set fire to $10,000,000,000 now?

*****

Who's one of the first people Hillary Clinton called to announce her Presidential bid?

Al Sharpton!

She's doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

*****

Don't eat Taco Bell if you're on Long Island.

*****

Is Jay-Z finally going to marry Beyonce?

Possibly!

*****

Is Jessica Simpson's mangling of "9 to 5" going to air? Or will they replace it with the second take (wherein she remembered ALL the words!)?

Why do you care?

*****

Oprah does NOT use the N-word. Neither does Maya Angelou. Nor does Stedman Graham.

"People act like I have no other friends than Oprah..." kvetches Gayle King on her radio show on the Oprah & Friends channel on XM.

Gayle, you live in her fucking house. Every job you've ever had in your adult life has come from Oprah. You said "me and my closest friends... I won't mention names..." which any non-retarded person would logically conclude meant Oprah.

I don't think anyone thought you were referring to Maya Angelou, though.

And how can you tell what Stedman says with all of that penis in his mouth?

*****

Stay away from the National Arts Club for a few days.

They had a luncheon for the Dutch Treat Club today.

Give the NAC a week to air out.

*****

OMG! Did Lance Bass break up with Reichen Lehmkuhl????

Who????

*****

Poor Rip Torn.

Got into yet another car accident, was arrested for DUI, refused to take a sobriety test.

He was acquitted of similar charges in 2004. He refused to take a sobriety test then, too. Which allowed his lawyer to argue that he wasn't drunk.

Will the cops fall for the same trick twice?

*****

Fran Drescher is going to run for Congress.

(shudder)

*****

Two men were shot in the lobby of their building yesterday.

140 W. 104th.

I told you so, Ethan...

*****

Remember the valuable stamp that the government claimed ownership of when somone mailed their ballot with it?

It's a fake.

Oh, well.

*****

Sirius is lowering its year-end subscriber forecast to 5,900,000 - 6,100,000.

Does this mean my girlfriend can come home at a reasonable hour now?

*****

Shea Hillenbrand wanted a two-year contract from the Yankees. They said no.

Andy Pettitte will decide by Christmas a) if he's retiring and b) if not, who he wants to play for.

*****

Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's final documentary (you know, the one he was making when he died?) will air in January.

It's called Ocean's Deadliest.

Oh, Discovery Channel/Animal Planet, you so classy.

*****

Try to stay warm, sweeties.

 

[Resnik]

Trying to watch Henry Rollins' IFC show can be difficult, but every now and then you're rewarded with something like this Ben Folds performance (NSFW- he cusses).

[youtube]IqCu8Py8hMY[/youtube]

And if you like NSFW Ben Folds, here's a beautiful live cover of "Bitches Ain't Shit."

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And now, snark.

*****

Jenifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn are on the front page. Apparently, now that the junket for the DVD release of The Break-Up is over, they are breaking up. But they remain friends. Try not to let this ruin your day.

*****

So, it's not Taco Bell that's responsible for the E. coli outbreak on Long Island. It's their New Jersey-based food distributor.

E... W. regrets the error.

Still, maybe not eating there would benefit you regardless?

*****

Some guy who used to play The Beast on Broadway is being charged with five felony counts of criminal sex acts and sexual abuse against a then-15-year-old out-of-towner who visited him backstage in 2001 (he allegedly fooled around with her, then went out to dinner with her and her parents and continued to fondle her under the table- one month later, he invited her back to see a play and then took her back to his apartment where they blew ech other). Authorities are looking for any other women/girls who have been similarly seduced by James Babour (in the last 5 years only, thanks to the statute of limitations), call prosecutors at 212-335-9373.

Insert "Beast" joke... here.

*****

"What we are now doing is not satisfactory. In my view, all options are on the table, in terms of how we address this problem in Iraq.

Our course over the next year or two will determine whether the American and Iraqi people and the next President of the United States will face a slowly and steadily improving situation in Iraq and in the region, or will face the very real risk of a regional conflagration."

-Robert Gates, Donald Rumsfeld's replacement, yesterday.

*****

There is no King Stupid today.

For today, we have a Queen.

A woman in Columbia, South Carolina discovered that her 12-year-old son had discovered where she hid the Game Boy he was to get on Christmas. She had hidden it in her grandmother's things, so she called the police and had him arrested and charged with petit larceny. He was taken away in handcuffs.

I don't know this woman's name, but I do know she just fucked up her kid's life.

All hail Queen Stupid!

*****

The Los Angeles Department of Children & Family Services is looking into the welfare of Britney's kids.

Twenty bucks says Aunt Paris gave one of them genital warts.

*****

A study in Denmark has concluded that cell phones don't cause cancer.

Hooray!

*****

Hey, Ethan! Two guys got shot yesterday at 8:00 p.m.! On 103rd and Amsterdam!

*****

Poor Manny Ramirez.

Looks like nobody wants to buy the biggest douchebag in baseball, regardless of his numbers.

And now reports are coming in that the Japanese wunder-pitcher and Boston still haven't reached a deal.

With Manny staying onboard, maybe they'd rather keep the $51,000,000?

*****

Happy New Comics Day!

 

[Resnik]

Have I mentioned recently that Japan is collectively insane?

[youtube]GXdCpZJbN54[/youtube]

Anyone wanna tell me what they're selling? Besides enormous squirrel testicles?

*****

Today's front page superimposes the faces of James Baker and Lee Hamilton onto monkey bodies with the enormous headline: SURRENDER MONKEYS.

The opening paragraph is a testament to Rupert Murdoch's fair and balanced paper.

"Sound the retreat! The Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by James Baker and Lee Hamilton, delivered its long-awaited report to President Bush yesterday - and its chock full of ways to get out of Iraq, without a single suggestion of how to defeat the terrorist thugs."

Gee, Post, maybe that's because this war is unwinnable, thanks to the retarded way that Bush began the war and fought it for the last four years?

Once again, the Bush apologists are screaming that "all the Democrats are doing is saying that we should give up without offering any legitimate startegies for winning the war."

WE. CAN'T. WIN. THIS. WAR. Not the way we're fighting it. That's not the Democrats' fault- they are without fault, as they were being locked out of meetings and ignored by the Republican majority.

I will say this, though: Baker and Hamilton make sexy monkeys.

*****

Poor James Barbour.

A 20-year-old has come forward to say that he he got busy with her seven years ago, when she was only 13. But Barbour can't be charged with that one, thanks to that great American institution, the statute of limitations.

Prosecutors say that, if Barbour is convicted of the charge he IS being tried for, they'll try to use this other (unproven) offense at his sentencing.

Poor James Barbour.

*****

Louis Gross, 23, plays Muscles Marinara (Tony's bodyguard) on The Sopranos. He pled guilty yesterday to petit larceny. He tried to steal a shirt from the Michael K shop in SoHo.

Abbondanza!

*****

Angelo Lopez, 29, was riding his bike when he decided to run a red light. He hit a bus. He had to have his foot amputated. The driver heard a thud, but didn't know he hit anything until 5 blocks later. Lopez's lawyer argued that, had the driver stopped immediately, he might not have lost his foot.

The jury took four hours to come back with a verdict.

Lopez gets $11,000,000 for pain and suffering from the MTA. For running a red light and hitting a bus.

Terrific.

*****

How much does it cost to say "nigger" at the Laugh Factory in L.A.?

If you're Damon Wayans, it's $20 a pop. He said it 16 times and was fined $320 (or half of The Underground's budget).

Tomorrow, Comedy Union is hosting an "N-Athon" featuring Chris Rock and his brother, Tony.

Nigga, please.

*****

Kevin Federline (and his boyz) showed up at the book launch for The Concise Guide To Sounding Smart at Parties.

K-Fed chatted up the authors, seeming to really be interested in learning how to not appear retarded when words exit his wigger mouth.

Then he and his posse went to the bar where they stayed, doing shots of Everglo, until closing.

You're going about this all wrong, Kevin. Embrace your stupidity. Pearls for swine will not benefit you. BE the douchebag you are. CONTINUE to appear on 1 vs. 100 to show the world that you don't know what flatware is.

Wear it like a badge, not a scarlet letter. The only reason you got ink was because you married (and later divorced) Britney. The only reason you continue to get ink is because you can't seem to stop embarrassing yourself.

Let me put it in terms you might actually understand. You are the personification of the "I Didn't Do It" boy on The Simpsons. The minute you go on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and try to talk about the rain forest, people will lose interest in you.

Fuck Tara Reid, start a fight with Lindsay Lohan, throw up on Usher, whatever. Just don't try to "clean up." It demeans you.

Be. Kevin. Federline.

Please.

*****

Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, sometimes I wonder if I'm not being suckered. Like, surely celebrities understand the way tabloids work. They hire publicists and spin doctors and issue press releases and they must know by now the things that they should never do, right?

And yet, I am supposed to believe that Lindsay Lohan sent the following email to her friends and lawyers?

(typos and the grammar of a drunken chimpanzee remain intact for added comic value)

"Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said.

I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help.

Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people.

Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see.

People are just mean.

I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.

But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion.

Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career.

Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say.

Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point.

I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them.

Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing.

Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out.

Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask.

If we just ASK.

I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone.

I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life.

Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change.

For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months.

I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak.

Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing.

Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask.

So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future.

Thank you for your time.
Your Entertainer,
Lindsay Lohan

Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile."

CAN this be genuine? Is it possible, on the cusp of 2007, for someone as big as Lindsay Lohan to not only write this, but to SEND it to her P.R. firm?

I mean, why would Paris or Lindsay's spinmeisters even allow their clients to have e-mail addresses?

Well, I hope it's real.

Because it's hilarious.

*****

VP Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, Mary Cheney is pregnant.

She and Heather Poe, her partner of 15 years, will raise the child together, though they won't be getting married any time soon. Mary and Heather moved to Virginia (which just passed a constitutional ban on same-sex marriages) to be closer to the Cheneys (isn't that sweet- they wanted to be closer to the man who is partially responsible for their right to wed being destroyed!).

The identity of the father is unknown as of yet, but I have it on good authority that the father is Mindy Cohn.

*****

If you'd like to place a bid on Britney Spears' homework from when she was 13, swing by the Christie's auction house next week.

This is why they fly planes into our buildings people. Someone will pay five figures for this. I guarantee it.

*****

Carmen Granata, 23, had a party at her home in Sterling Heights, Michigan. One of her guests went on her front porch and made a call on her cell phone at 4:00 a.m.

Carmen was just sentenced to 30 days in jail and two years of probation for violating the city noise ordinance.

Oops.

*****

The Hard Rock Cafe chain is being sold to a tribe of Native Americans for roughly $960,000,000.

And some beads.

*****

Everybody is saying that Forest Whitaker is a shoe-in for a Best Actor nod at this year's Oscars for his role as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland.

But after the shoe-in Emmy nomination for The Shield that he never got, Forest and his peeps might play it safe. He may be a shoe-in for a Best Actor Nomination, but he'd be a shoe-in for a Best Supporting Actor Award.

*****

Andy Pettitte WILL pitch in the coming baseball season, but he hasn't decided for whom. Yet...

*****

 

[Resnik]

[youtube]F4AlJGtwoBU[/youtube]

Yes, I have posted this before. But my brother and I worked hard on it and if putting it here again gets it more views, then so be it.

Favorite the fuck out of it, please.

*****

A Shrek musical is coming to Broadway.

Terrific.

*****

Now some folks in NYC say they got E. coli from Taco Bell.

You know what?

How about everyone not eating Taco Bell for a little while?

Sound good?

*****

A boy two days shy of his seventh birthday was hit by a truck yesterday and killed.

The truck was full of caskets.

There's a really funny joke there somewhere.

*****

On their way out of the majority, the Republicans have killed a $2,000,000,000 rail project for NYC.

This is their revenge on Chuck Schumer, who helped the Democrats win the majority.

Fuck you, Republicans.

*****

Is Paris Hilton engaged to Stavros Niarchos?

Sure, why not.

*****

Warner Bros. has optioned the book In Harm's Way. It tells the story of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, which was hit by a Japanese torpedo 61 years ago, leaving 900 sailors in shark-infested waters.

Chris Kentis (who also directed Open Water) will direct.

And I can guarantee you, regardless of who is cast and how much WB spends, it won't be as gripping as Robert Shaw's monologue about the Indianapolis in Jaws.

*****

Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown is really bummed out.

Eddie Murphy is denying the paternity of her baby.

"I was astonished [by] what Eddie said. There is absolutely no question that Eddie is the father," said Melanie.

First of all, PLEASE take him on Maury.

Secondly, why would Eddie downplay his first heterosexual scandal? After the cross-dressing male prostitute that he "was only giving as lift to, officer" and this:

[youtube]2KhkArx5RIk[/youtube]

...you would think that being accused of entering a woman's vagina and ejaculating would be a good thing.

Oh, Eddie. Whatzupwitu?

*****

Why I truly believe America is collectively stupid (Part 3,946):

According to a Zogby poll, 32% of Americans TAKE OFFENSE to seeing "Happy Holidays" in ads.

Not "prefer Merry Christmas."

1 in 3 Americans, when they see or hear "Happy Holidays," become offended.

Also, Two and a Half Men continues to garner phenomenal ratings.

*****

Do you know what your cut of the NYC defecit is (if you live in New York City)?

$6,801!

Yay!

*****

Power 105.1's DJ Carl Blaze (real name: Carlos Rivera) was shot 13 times yesterday in what appears to be a robbery. He remains in critical condition.

For some reason, this reminded me of the Lottery game where you pick ten numbers ("Pick 10" methinks) and the more numbers you hit, the more money you get- but if you don't match any, you also get a decent payout.

I think we should do the same for shootings.

If you can shoot someone more than 10 times and NOT kill him, you should get out of jail free.

I mean, were they all foot shots? Did the bullets follow each other through the same entrance and exit wound?

Unreal.

*****

Gnarls Barkley is Grammy-nominated for Album of the Year, but not Best New Artist? Oh, that's right. You have to have been a professional band for at least 9 years and have at least four albums under your belt before you can get that nomination.

*****

Hey, Sylvester Stallone, what's Rocky Balboa going to be like?

"I wanted to show I had balls at age 60. Just because society says I'm old doesn't mean I am. I'm pursuing happiness, even if it makes the people around me unhappy."

You know what? Maybe he should have stuck to hawking pudding.

*****

A German beer company is marketing a beer made especially for the blind; it even has a braille label.

That's all well and good, but how are they supposed to find the beer in the supermarket?

*****

Friday = Movie Blurbs!

Gordon Robertson of The 700 Club calls The Nativity Story "the movie to see this Christmas" (I don't think this is a review per se- it's more of an order).

Janet Stokes of the Film Advisory Board says that Deck the Halls is "a family comedy that's a true holiday treasure."

Sara Edwards of COMCAST calls Unaccompanied Minors "the perfect holiday laugh-fest."

The film also won the coveted Seal of Approval from the Parents Television Council.

Hey, PTC? You might want to consider adding an apostrophe after "Parents."

*****

Steinbrenner might be bringing Dwight Gooden back into the Yankee organization.

Uh-oh.

*****

Have a great weekend.

 

[Resnik]

Consider this an early Christmas present (also, Happy Holidays!).

[youtube]f6cFxWgLqHA[/youtube]

*****

California gubernatorial hopeful/porn star Mary Carey has submitted an application to trademark her name.

Carey has built a sizeable fanbase from her memorable appearances in such classic films as Double Air Bags 11 and Boobsville Sorority Girls. Seriously.

A lawyer for recording artist/crazy person Mariah Carey has sent Mary Carey a letter threatening legal action if she does not withdraw her application.

Experts expect that Mary Carey will respond by releasing a film called The E-Masturbation of Mimi (and also, some butt sex) where guys playing the President of Sony Records, Derek Jeter, Jay-Z, Diddy, Eminem (among many, many others) all make dirty sex on her as she blows into a dog whistle.

*****

Total number of New Yorkers who have gotten E. coli from Taco Bell?

221.

Yo no quiero.

*****

Rabbi Joel Kolko has allegedly been molesting children for years while his yeshiva covered up for him.

So, it isn't always a priest.

Just, you know, usually.

*****

The House Ethics Committee (qu'ell oxymoronical!) announced that it discovered a pattern of conduct among many Republicans "to remain willfully ignorant of the potential consequences" of Mark Foley's behavior.

And yet, they also said that they found no evidence that "any current lawmakers or aides violated any rules."

Outstanding.

*****

Camille Paglia has weighed in on the precise moment that Britney Spears' life began its current downward spiral into the (gas station) toilet.

"A great promise was contained in the moment when Madonna kissed Britney at the MTV Awards. She in a sense was saying. 'I'm passing the torch to you.' It was a fabulous moment. Britney looked toned, in control of her career... Literally from that kiss, from that moment onward, Britney has spiraled out of control. It's like Madonna gave her the kiss of death."

Oh, Camille. A toned figure = career control? Why must you objectify women that way?

*****

Rosie O'Donnell recently announced that she isn't leaving The View any time soon. Hooray. For, if she did leave, where would we get our racism?

[youtube]WuTspbPmV_g[/youtube]

Asians are angry. Rosie's rep responded by saying, "[Rosie]'s a comedian in addition to being a talk show co-host. I certainly hope that one day [Asians] will be able to grasp her humor."

Which I find even more racist than what Rosie said.

*****

Wesley Snipes is back in the U.S. and A. He just pled not guilty to federal charges after being indicted in central Florida.

Good luck, Wesley.

*****

Queen Stupid of today is Cheyanne Dwiggins, 18, of Lapel, Indiana.

Cheyanne decided to shoplift from a local store. But she filled her pants with so much stuff that when she ran to the exit, her pants fell down to her ankles. She was caught immediately.

She is accused of stealing: a potato peeler, an ice cream scoop, cake-decorating gel tubes, some candy, measuring spoons and a 15-ounce box of Nesquik.

Too bad she got caught- that sounds like a delicious cake she was going to make.

All hail Queen Stupid!

*****

Andy Pettitte will pitch for the Yankees this season. For $16,000,000.

Now there's speculation that Clemens might follow (no way) and/or that Doug Mientkiewicz might become our new first baseman.

Hmmm...

*****

Happy Saturday!

 

[Resnik]

Where'd all my embedded YouTube clips go? The links are still active (they now open a new window and play the clips there), but I don't see anything.

Do you see anything? Did I post too many clips at one time?

Is YouTube anti-Semetic?

Any help is appreciated.

*****

This year (so far), there have been 65,000 reports of child abuse in NYC.

Last year (in its entirety), there were 48,000.

Ouch.

*****

Without Britain's knowledge/consent, the U.S. Secret Service bugged Princess Diana's phone on the night she died.

We're terrific.

*****

Saddam Hussein's nephew, Ayman Sabawi, has escaped from the northern Iraqi prison where he was serving a life sentence for making bombs.

Steven Seagal's people have indicated an interest in meeting with Sabawi (though I think they might have misunderstood why he was in prison).

*****

"There is a serious debate about the Holocaust in the media and also in political and popular meetings. Even some Western politicians have declared that the original foundation of the Zionist regime was a mistake."

-Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran

*****

50 Cent told Complex magazine that after working with Samuel L. Jackson on the film Home of the Brave, he no longer thinks that Jackson is "a crackhead."

That's so sweet (in a thug way).

*****

Today's King Stupid is Matthew Ronneburg, 22, of Lacey Township, New Joisy.

Matthew killed some exotic birds at a zoo in Ocean County. He was given probation. Then his probation officer asked him for some of his urine. Then Matthew gave him someone else's urine and pretended it was his. Then his probation officer found out.

Matthew pled guilty to drug-test fraud and will spend the next five years in prison.

All hail King Stupid!

*****

The estate of Ol' Dirty Bastard (aka Dirt McGirt aka Big Baby Jesus aka that rapper who keeps getting arrested for shoplifting extension cord) claims that Damon Dash hasn't paid them what he owes for the new ODB album that he owns the rights to. Dash claims he not only doesn't owe them anything, but he may not even release the album now.

Also, the estate is in-fighting, too. Icelene Jones (ODB's widow) is fighting Cherry Jones (ODB's mother and co-manager) and Jarred Weisfeld (ODB's co-manager) for control of the estate. Icelene claims that Cherry stole between $200,000 and $500,000 of ODB's money. Weisfeld's reply?

"That's the most retarded allegation I've ever heard in my life."

Which is the most retarded allegation I've ever heard in my life.

Somebody's gonna get shot. Mark my words.

*****

Enjoy what little remains of the weekend.

 

[Resnik]

...SPECIAL BULLETIN...

Improvisational legend and longtime friend of E... W. Bob Ladewig is in some kind of popularity contest.

[youtube]l9owM88iNpg[/youtube]

Please watch this video. Send it to friends. Watch it again. Set a robot to keep clicking the link. Kill his competitors.

Just make Bob's film win the thingy.

Thank you. Snark is coming shortly.

 

[Resnik]

MUNDY

Former NY1 reporter Adele Sammarco is claiming that she was fired after complaining about being "attacked" by Gary Anthony Ramsay and being the subject of a breast-enhanced photo that former reporter Jeff Simmons posted all over the NY1 newsroom.

She also claims that news assistants referred to her as "BBB" which stood for "Big Butt Booty" which makes me nauseous.

I mean, "Big Butt" or "Big Booty" is fine, but "Big Butt Booty" seems to refer to the treasure found in a large ass.

How very Pulp Fiction!

*****

VH1 is a terrific network.

They are currently teaming up with Brett Ratner to make a reality show about Ratner's grandmother.

My Grandson The Director is missing a comma. And a point.

*****

Cindy Adams on Apocalypto- the first sentence:

"To distribute Mel Gibson's demented Mayan movie, the For-Sale sign must be hung out at Disney. In the desire to make a buck, the industry has lowered itself into unrelenting, unredeeming, unforgiving violence."

Wow. She really hates this movie.

Now, sentence #2:

"Because I won't see it doesn't mean I can't talk about it."

True dat. However, because you didn't actually see the movie that you are criticizing, I will stop reading now. You vapid cow.

*****

TOOSDY

Foxy Brown, you so crazy.

She was supposed to take a court-ordered drug test on Monday, but fled from the facility, allegedly because she saw "crack whores and criminals."

"Not that I have anything against my people!" says Foxy, referring to all black people as crack whores and criminals.

She then went on to explain that she left the facility because... God told her to!

"I just got saved recently. I prayed on it, and my spirit told me to leave."

Outstanding, Inga!

Anything else you think my readers would like to know about?

"You never read about the wonderful things I'm doing. How I pick up groceries for an old lady. I adopted two crack babies. They say I'm the worst thing in Louboutins!"

You heard it here first, everyone: Foxy Brown has two crack babies.

And, yes, she really said that.

*****

Dennis Kucinich announced he's running for President again.

Good luck, Dennis.

(rolls eyes)

*****

Beyonce claims that when she's onstage, she becomes someone else. "I call that stage persona Sasha. I wouldn't like Sasha if I met her offstage."

Good to know.

*****

The two frat boys who were suing Borat? They lost.

I can't wait to buy the DVD and watch them be despicable over and over again.

*****

Nicole Richie! DUI! Arrested! Weighed! She's 85 pounds!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

*****

Busta Rhymes! Refused a six month jail sentence! Got a misdemeanor weapons charge added to his pile of other pending charges!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

*****

Paul Barnes! Founding pastor of the 2,100-member Grace Chapel in Denver! Has stepped down! After admitting to his flock that he liked to have gay sex with men!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

*****

Courtney Love! Got her three misdemeanor charges (two for possession, one for assault) dismissed!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

*****

Rick Santorum is currently in talks with Fox News, MSNBC and CNN to become a cable news "talking head."

Wanna guess where he'll end up?

Hint: it rhymes with "box booze flannel."

*****

WENSDY

On Page 3, there's a blow-up of a photo of Paris Hilton's face. There is cocaine residue in her left nostril.

Paris' rep, Elliot Mintz offered a completely logical explanation.

"I can tell you Paris does not use narcotics."

(I'm assuming he then mumbled "...to comb her hair." under his breath)

"I would imagine [it's] something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert, something that naturally might have found its way onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever. I'd label it a stray dessert."

So, she doesn't snort cocaine, she's just messy and picks her nose?

That's hot.

*****

Rep. Silvestre Reyes is the new head of the House Intelligence Committee.

He doesn't know what Hezbollah is.

He doesn't know the difference between Shiites and Sunnis.

When asked if al-Qaeda was Shiite or Sunni, he said, "They are probably both. Predominantly - probably Shiite."

I happen know they are Sunni. I know this because I have read a newspaper in the last five years.

Unreal.

*****

Did you know that Iran just hosted a long conference on the denial of the Jewish Holocaust? The Iranian President said (among many other amazingly gauche things), "Just as the Soviet Union was wiped out and today does not exist, so will the Zionist regime soon be wiped out. Thanks to people's wishes and God's will, the trend for the existence of the Zionist regime is downwards and this is what God has promised and what all nations want."

I went for the first day and got a sweet t-shirt (it says "If so many Jews died, why are there still so many left?" on the front in blood), but I decided not to stay for the sing-along.

The bagels were terrible.

*****

Evel Knievel is suing Kanye West. In the video for "Touch The Sky," Kanye dresses up as "Evel Kanyevel" and tries to jump a canyon in a rocket.

Knievel claims that his image is being tarnished by the "vulgar, sexual and racially charged nature" of the video. And also, he claims it's copyright infringement.

Sigh.

*****

The son of Miami Police Chief John Timoney was caught trying to buy 400 pounds of marijuana from an undercover cop.

Prosecutors are seeking a sentence of (ready?) 30 to 37 months.

But the defense claims Sean Timoney, 26, shouldn't serve a single day in jail because he has Lyme disease.

What a country!

*****

OMG! Are Jim Carrey and Jennifer Lopez becoming Scientologists?

I surely hope so!

*****

When Nicole Richie was arrested for her DUI, she put down new boyfriend Joel Madden as her emergency contact person.

That's romantic by Hollywood's standards.

*****

Want a good chuckle courtesy of schadenfraude?

www.wiihaveaproblem.com is chock full of Wii-related injuries.

If you can't afford a new video game system, this will make you feel extra-happy.

*****

Tom DeLay is telling people that Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States.

Why do you suppose he's doing that?

(looks at sky, whistles, rocks back and forth)

*****

Jada Pinkett Smith gave $1,000,000 to her old high school so that they can build a new theater. Which she is asking them to name after...

...Tupac Shakur.

Wait... what?

*****

Top Five Reasons High Fidelity: The Musical Is Closing After Only A Week:

5. People would rather read the book for less than $10.
4. People would rather watch the movie for less than $20.
3. Songs about how great The Kinks are can't compete with The Kinks' songs.
2. Despite The Times They Are A-Changin' closing, there wasn't enough "stupid audience" spillover.
1. It was a horrible, horrible idea.

*****

Aaron Guiel is no longer a Yankee.

I'm sorry to hear that- he's a solid player.

Good luck wherever you wind up, Aaron.

*****

Remember when I mused that perhaps Boston wasn't going to sign Daisuke Matsuzaka? That they just wanted to make sure that New York didn't?

Well, the deadline is tomorrow at midnight...

*****

Danny DeVito is now claiming that he wasn't drunk on The View. On Michael Eisner's TV show (wait... what?), he explained that he was only pretending.

Or else, maybe it was just a stray dessert?

*****

VH1 is a terrific network.

In addition to Brett Ratner's grandmother, other future TV stars with their own shows?

Andrew Dice Clay and Tom Sizemore.

They're also doing a "docu-soap" (wait... what?) called The Springer Hustle that will reveal everyone's worst nightmare- that The Jerry Springer Show... is staged!

Really.

*****

Sylvester Stallone on aintitcool.com about making The Lords of Flatbush:

"Yeah, the original part of Chico, which was played by Perry King, was originally supposed to be played by Richard Gere, but we never hit it off. He would strut around in his oversized motorcycle jacket like he was the baddest knight at the round table. One day, during an improv, he grabbed me (we were simulating a fight scene) and got a little carried away. I told him in a gentle fashion to lighten up, but he was completely in character and impossible to deal with. Then we were rehearsing at Coney Island and it was lunchtime, so we decided to take a break, and the only place that was warm was in the backseat of a Toyota. I was eating a hotdog and he climbs in with a half a chicken covered in mustard with grease nearly dripping out of the aluminum wrapper. I said, 'That thing is going to drip all over the place.' He said, 'Don’t worry about it.' I said, 'If it gets on my pants you’re gonna know about it.'

He proceeds to bite into the chicken and a small, greasy river of mustard lands on my thigh. I elbowed him in the side of the head and basically pushed him out of the car. The director had to make a choice: one of us had to go, one of us had to stay. Richard was given his walking papers and to this day seriously dislikes me. He even thinks I’m the individual responsible for the gerbil rumor. Not true… but that’s the rumor."

You're gonna know about it? People actually say that to other people? For serious?

*****

Happy New Comics Day!

 

[Resnik]

My days are more harried,
With tasks long and varied;
They me away from my Post.

So nary a kernel
Of snark's in my journal
(Though I know that you love it the most.)

So allow me today
To just pop in and say
I appreciate all of you readers.

And when back from L.A.,
I will snark every day
(Or at least 'til my interest peters.)

Happy Holidays from Entertainment... Weakly.

See you in 2007.​

 

[Resnik]

Oh, all right.

I'll give you one more video clip.

But then I have to pack.

[youtube]ouzyG7XsTTw[/youtube]

 

[Resnik]

For Tere.

[youtube]8o_F6SA2Mfk[/youtube]

Apparently Britney collapsed at a New Year's party.

I'll try to give you the full skinny later.

Much toy fare to write.

Happy 2007.

 

[Resnik]

[youtube]hPzb8FA5M_o[/youtube]

Now you don't need to tune in! All the good stuff is online!

Nice work, The Insider!

 

[Resnik]

This is my 10,000th post on the IRC.

Nothin' fancy.

Just a shout out to Mr. Mullaney, who is currently fleecing Arizona retirees in casinos.

Thanks again, Kevin. For Genealogy, for the original IRC and for the current juggernaut on which this is being read.

And a shout out to Will "macoule30" McLaughlin. I got to see him at the UCBTLA recently and then I got to drink and fart near him. He's good peoples.

And a shout out to Teresa. She's ginchy.

And a shout out to all of you. Thank you for your patronage over the years.

I haven't stopped reading the Post, but I do seem to have lagged in my journal postings.

I'm in training, you see. Our audition is a week from Saturday.

I watched Terrorvision yesterday. Uncle Rico is in it.

It's one of the worst movies ever made. I mean, halfway in the scary monster becomes their housepet for absolutely no reason and then, after a half hour of what seems like a completely different movie, it goes back to (trying to be) a horror movie. But then I watched The Forbidden Zone for the first time. Danny Elfman's brother directed it. Very weird. In the best way possible. So that was nice.

This is my 10,000th post.

No song. No fanfare.

Just this:

[youtube]vc6ubKLUs4c[/youtube]

 

[Resnik]

Paula Abdul says she never drinks.

[youtube]eeAQu9I0wfM[/youtube]

I disagree.

[youtube]-0CWbHuYrbk[/youtube]

Strongly.

[youtube]giMF12d2fAI[/youtube]