Entertainment... Weakly.

[Resnik]

Fred Matwanga's kids were picked up by officials from the city's Administration for Children's Services over the weekend.

ACS officials met with the New York Office of the United Nations today to figure out how best to ask Kenya to waive Matwanga's immunity.

If Kenya agrees, the NYPD will prosecute Matwanga for beating his 9-year-old bloody.

Let's all cross our fingers.

*****

Gerald Ford hasn't died yet, so he is now the longest-living U.S. President of all time.

"The length of one's days matters less than the love of one's family and friends," Ford told a local newspaper.

Then he presumably fell down.

*****

The guy who mailed fake anthrax to Nancy Pelosi, David Letterman, Keith Olbermann, Charles Schumer and Jon Stewart has been caught.

Take a bow, Chad Conrad Castagana, 39! You sure showed them!

Enjoy prison!

*****

John Aizlewood's review of Sean Lennon's recent concert in London ran in the Evening Standard. It isn't very kind. In fact, it's downright cruel.

Best line?

"No wonder Stella McCartney designs clothes."

*****

Don't worry about K-Fed's finances.

He has a foolproof plan to make money.

He's going to sell video footage.

"I actually got a surveillance system put in my truck, so I'm recording everything. The paparazzi turn into a pack of wolves... I got some pretty funny video footage of them just tripping all over themselves like dominos."

What a great idea.

In five months, he'll run out of money and sell the sex tape. I think he'll call it Spearing Spears or Oops... I Hit It... Again! or Britney and Kevin: K-Y-otic or How Britney Got Herpes.

But for now... let's just nod and smile at his great idea.

*****

George Michael's current tour is setting records.

He played to 50,000 people at Denmark's Parken Stadium, which is more people than U2 was able to pack in for their shows there.

Insert joke about George Michael "packing" in fans... here.

Insert joke about the stadium in Denmark's full name being Parken Blowen Oldman Smokeajoint Thenfall Asleepatthewheelandgetarrested Stadium... here.

*****

...and speaking of U2, churches around the world have started holding (and I'm not kidding) U2charists.

Like Bono doesn't have enough of a God complex already.

*****

The Yankees have traded Jaret Wright to the Orioles for Chris Britton.

Daddy like.

*****

Happy Monday.

 

[Resnik]

Shadowboxer was released on DVD today...

http://www.amazon.com/Shadowboxer-H...pd_bbs_sr_1/002-9617536-3594466?ie=UTF8&s=dvd

...and there are already people selling their used copies on Amazon.

Touche.

*****

Rudy Giuliani has set up an exploratory committee to see what his chances are in the 2008 presidential election.

Let me save you the time, Rudy.

You are a gay-union supporting, gun control advocate who's also pro-choice.

The Republican Party doesn't like that.

Be McCain's VP.

*****

Now sources are saying that city officials are not seeking an immunity waiver from Kenya for Fred Matwanga. But his kids remain in protective custody.

Sigh.

*****

FDA officials were concerned about the 103 recent cases of bizarre behavior in children taking Tamiflu (3 kids have fallen to their death).

But, since most of the cases are occuring in Japan, the FDA isn't blaming Tamiflu- they're just chalking it up to the kids being subjected to Japanese culture.

Japan, as you know, would drive any sane child coo-coo.

*****

So, Patrick Rich, 17, was part of the group that hurled eggs at two cops in Broad Channel on Halloween. His charges were just upgraded to include a bias crime.

Rich's lawyer told reporters that his client said, "I didn't mean 'nigger' in that way... that's just the way I talk."

And what was the context of Patty-Cake's use of the n-word?

He allegedly admitted to calling the black police officer a "monkeyfucker" and one of the white officers with him a "nigger-lover."

But he didn't mean it that way.

Enjoy prison!

*****

Jude Law has allegedly broken up with Sienna Miller because "she partied too much."

This from the guy who fucked the ugly nanny.

*****

Did Heather Mills once work as a prostitute? And did she once fuck an arms dealer for money?

And wouldn't it have made more sense to fuck a legs dealer?

*****

Why did Katie Holmes turn down Fox Searchlight's offer to promote her performance in Thank You For Smoking for a Best Supporting Actress Oscar?

My guess? She saw Thank You For Smoking.

*****

Speaking of TomKat, there's a picture in The Post today of a soccer mom yelling at Tom Cruise for attending his kid's soccer practice in Beverly Hills. She felt that his presence caused too much hubbub. She also allegedly told him to move to Colorado "where his fame won't be a problem."

I have absolutely no idea what that means. Aren't there more celebrities in Beverly Hills than Colorado?

*****

VH1 is starting production on a reality show starring Irv Gotti. Hopefully, it will show us how intelligent all of the hip-hop recording moguls are.

Por ejemplo, Irv tells Cindy Adams:

"Some friends like Jay-Z, Damon Dash, Russell Simmons will probably be on it. Hey, Russell saw my canary-yellow diamond chain and said, 'With each link, you could feed a village in Africa... or you could get a lot of pussy.'"

Which will Irv choose????

Hint: pussy.

*****

GWB, our PO(tu)S, had this to say about Iran:

"It's very important for the world to unite to say to the Iranians, 'If you choose to move forward, you will be isolated.'"

Where have I heard that before?

Oh! Right! That's what Colin Powell said to him about Iraq!

Douchebag.

*****

Goddamnit.

That's what I get for trusting The Post.

The murdered actress is Adrienne Shelly.

Not Shelley.

Sigh.

*****

Joseph Barbarino, 50, was arrested yesterday for killing his 6-year-old brother... in 1972.

As tragic as that crime is, Joseph might have saved his brother from a fate worse than death.

Because three years after the murder, a TV show premiered that all but guaranteed that bullies would make the kid's life miserable.

The show? Welcome Back, Kotter.

The little brother's name? Vincent "Vinnie" Barbarino.

*****

The mother of the boy who last year accused Michael Jackson of molesting him was ordered to perform 150 hours of community service in exchange for her no contest plea to welfare fraud.

Her name? Janet Arviso Jackson.

Sadly, no relation.

*****

The Knicks have played 8 games so far.

I've played none.

The Knicks have won 2 more games than I have.

*****

Happy Birthday to my brother, Jon!

Happy Tuesday to the rest uh yez!

 

[Resnik]

Shadowboxer was released on DVD today...

http://www.amazon.com/Shadowboxer-H...pd_bbs_sr_1/002-9617536-3594466?ie=UTF8&s=dvd

...and there are already people selling their used copies on Amazon.

Touche.

*****

So, I'm reading the reviews on Amazon and I feel compelled to respond. To all of them.

#1

Best Twisted Love Story!!! 5 stars (of 5)
C. Herron "CherylJ" (Oklahoma)

It blows my mind how such an excellent action packed twisted movie came through the theaters without a trace. I was glued to my seat throughout the entire movie. I was just blown away with the twisted love relationship between Cuba Goodin and Helen Mirren. All I can say is see it for yourself and you be the judge. This movie will go into my collection...

Cheryl,

You are an idiot.

#2

LIKE FATHER... 3 stars
Michael Butts (Martinsburg, WV USA)

SHADOWBOXER has one of the weirdest romantic pairings in recent memory: Helen Mirren and Cuba Gooding Jr.? They play professional killers for hire. Mirren is also dying of cancer. Their latest hit is the pregnant wife of a criminal scoundrel. When they get ready to off the wife, Mirren has a conscience crisis and as the wife's water breaks, she helps deliver the baby. She and Gooding whisk the wife and newborn off for protection from the husband. Mirren's performance is quietly efficient, showing the regrets she has in her life and her compassion for this woman and her baby. Gooding is good as the faithful son/lover of Mirren and when Mirren eventually dies, he takes over as the father for the little boy. It has a noirish quality and although not action-packed, it is involving. Stephen Dorff is excellent as the killer husband with no morals; Macy Gray is annoying as the wife's best friend, she should stick to singing; Vanessa Ferlito (late of CSI NY) does very well as the wife, and Joseph Gordon Leavitt is fine as the doctor who helps everyone out. M'Onique as Leavitt's girlfriend fares better, a little, than Gray. It's a strange little movie blessed with the glowing presence of Mirren and a nice Parisian musical score to boot.

Michael,

I wish you had been in the audience for every play I've ever been in. I would seriously have blown you away. Stephen Dorff is excellent? Where? When?

I do agree with you about wanting to kick the Parisian musical score in the face, though.

#3

Too Many Preposterous Storylines to Keep this Sleeper Alive 3 stars
Grady Harp (Los Angeles, CA United States)

Lee Daniels (Monster's Ball, The Woodsmen) doesn't seem to know what to do with this script of a story by William Lipz that has so many incongruities that it simply becomes a muddled mélange of criminal psychology, sociological misfits, and ruminations on the presence of a greater meaning to all the wild madness that eventually drowns the characters. One wonders why such enormously gifted actors such as Helen Mirren and Cuba Gooding, Jr. ever accepted roles if they read the script beforehand.

A very mature and cancer-ridden Rose (Helen Mirren, who can truly make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!) is a professional assassin who has raised Mikey (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) to be her co-assassin as well as her very young lover. The two function well as a team and succeed in making a handsome living by killing people to whom they are assigned by a wheelchair-ridden broker. But when one of the marks is big time crime boss Clayton (Stephen Dorff at his most buff to date, eye candy persona) and his wife Vickie (Vanessa Ferlito), all goes well until Rose faces the problem that Vickie is pregnant, a fact that seems to create a sense of guilt and loss and causes her not only to spare her and also to deliver the male child. After calling in a corrupt doctor Dr. Don (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and is lover/nurse Precious (Mo'Nique) to help them out, Rose and Mikey harbor the new mother and child and sequester themselves to raise the child, a life style that allows Mikey to continue his assassin jobs while Rose finds happiness raising the young boy. But of course eventually the evil Clayton disrupts the flow of goodwill, gains information from the Precious after an adulterous office tryst, and it is face to face between Clayton and his wife and son and Rose and Mikey. The ending defies sharing, not only because it would mar the viewer's watching, but it borders on surrealistic bizarre images that are of questionable taste.

During all of this convoluted story we are given flashbacks that attempt to fill in the interstices in the plot: Mikey's relationship to his father, his first killing, Rose's introduction into crime etc. Granted there are some moments of quiet and beauty in all of this mess, but the true reason for sitting through it is the always satisfying presence of Helen Mirren (who actually gets us to believe her preposterous character and motivation) and Cuba Gooding, Jr. (who needs to change agents to get roles more important and conducive to his gifts). With so many fine stories waiting to be made into film one wonders why drivel such as this makes it to the screen on time! Grady Harp, November 06

Grady,

On the one hand, you use big words. On the other hand, you use them like this:

"Lee Daniels (Monster's Ball, The Woodsmen) doesn't seem to know what to do with this script of a story by William Lipz that has so many incongruities that it simply becomes a muddled mélange of criminal psychology, sociological misfits, and ruminations on the presence of a greater meaning to all the wild madness that eventually drowns the characters."

1) Lee Daniels was the producer of the films you credit him with. He can take little to no credit for the quality of those films.

2) Is it that Lee Daniels doesn't know what to do with the story? Or is it that he doesn't know what to do with the script of the story?

3) After "ruminations," I have no idea what you're talking about.

4) Referring to Mo'Nique as "the Precious" made me laugh and laugh. I hope it was intentional (if it wasn't, trust me, just say it was).

5) "Stephen Dorff at his most buff to date, eye candy persona" is a very astute description of his performance. His penis was terrif!

#4

Only So-So 3 stars
Ben F. Small "Author of ALIBI ON ICE, a suspense thriller" (Tucson, AZ, USA)

Helen Mirren sexes up this slow-moving story about hitmen on the run after a pregnant mark gives them pause. Mirren and her lover, step-son Cuba Gooding, Jr. feel some empathy for the pregnant woman and her child, who is born with the help of the two hitmen, so they help raise the child as Mirren dies of cancer. Meanwhile, the man who ordered the hit, the lady's husband, is clueless as to the deception, but that won't last long.

This movie is a bit slow-moving but interesting. Mirren is outstanding, as usual, but Cuba Gooding, Jr. seems a bit wooden in his performance. I doubt I'll watch this movie again, but it passed for enjoyable on a slow Saturday night.

Ben,

"Meanwhile, the man who ordered the hit, the lady's husband, is clueless as to the deception, but that won't last long."

Way to totally ruin this movie.

Allow me to ruin your novel, Alibi On Ice.

Amy Galler totally figures out a way to debunk Emery Boyd's alibi... with a little unexpected help from Boyd's best mountaineering buddy!

Now we're even.

 

[Resnik]

#5

"This will be the last time" 4 stars
M. J Leonard "MikeonAlpha" (Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA United States)

Featuring a couple of top-name actors - most notably the "Queen" Helen Mirren and the accomplished Cuba Gooding Jr. Shadowboxer is a sad and arty tale about two cold-hearted assassins and who end up achieving certain redemption. The casting is bizarre, the story is rather warped and preposterous and the whole affair is somewhat trashy and exploitative, but the film seems to work, mainly because of its moody provocativeness, and of course films like this are never boring.

Rose (Helen Mirren) and her junior partner in crime, Mikey (Cuba Gooding Jr.) have some kind of Oedipal thing going on. She's dying of cancer and has only got six months to live, while Mikey is sort of emotionally shut down - he's very concerned for Rose but also aware that he has to move on. Apparently Rose raised Mikey as a child after an unexpected event in his troubled childhood, that bought him into the gun-for-hire business and shut him down emotionally.

Rose, however, is now his lover as well as his guardian, which sets up a bizarre and sort of incestuous dynamic between them both. Although she wonders if she's being punished for her sins, Rose nonetheless joins Mikey on one final lucrative job: killing Vickie (Vanessa Ferlito) the supposedly unfaithful wife of Clayton (Stephen Dorff) a sociopathic crime boss. But when Rose sees that Vickie is pregnant, she convinces Mikey to spare the woman's life.

For Mikey, however, this is just another "job" so he's hesitant to say the least; after all, life means nothing to him. But realizing that there's no other option, they decide to adopt Vickie and her newborn and go undercover. Rose finds final contentment in this instant family and, more profoundly, leaves behind some semblance of a normal life for Mikey. Of course, Vickie's past is going to catch up with her, when Joseph Gordon-Levitt playing a dishonest doctor, and Mo'Nique as his rancorous girlfriend eventually cause problems for them.

Director Lee Daniels obviously has a real flare for the unusual - casting Helen Mirren as an assassin! - And he shows a great deal of visual flare, including drenching his film in colour and creating lots of pretty and imaginative pictures. Perhaps all the polished surfaces and stately tango music are meant to convey something about the pretense of Rose and Mikey's lives together, or perhaps Daniels is just going for the camp factor.

Whatever the case, make no mistake Shadowboxer has moments that are completely over-the-top featuring a zebra wondering around aimlessly, a pool cue used for someone's poor backside and a death scene featuring Cuba Gooding's bare buttocks, the whole proceedings are pushed to the point of absurdity. But I suppose that's the point.

There's a certainly a fluidity to Daniels' treatment of this provocative material, and while Ms. Mirren could probably be forgiven for appearing in it in the first place, she certainly infuses Rose with almost palpable sense of regret and loneliness that is unexpectedly moving. And she's absolutely credible as a woman of a certain age who has lost none of her magnetism for her much younger lover.

Shadowboxer doesn't always work, the father-son themes that are woven throughout the story are a bit clichéd and overwrought to say the least, and Stephen Dorf's character is so inherently evil that he comes across more as a caricature than anything else. Daniels sometimes pushes the material a bit too much, but overall, if you can handle much of the gratuitous violence, Shadowboxer is an interesting exploration of two lonely souls, desperately reaching for some kind of salvation. Mike Leonard November 06.

Mike,

1) Describing Mo'Nique as "rancorous" made me laugh and laugh.

2) "Director Lee Daniels obviously has a real flare for the unusual..." ...and if he had only fired it in the air during filming, someone might have been able to come help him make the story coherent.

3) I forgot about the wandering zebra! Ha!

4) It isn't his character's inherent evil that makes Dorf(f)'s performance seem like a caricature. Trust me on this.

5) Four stars? I... wow.

#6

Shadowboxer 5 stars
Joshua Miller "Josh" (Coeur d'Alene,ID)

"Shadowboxer" is one of those movies that slips quietly into theatres, is even quiter when sneaking out, and finds life on DVD. Well, in Idaho anyway. I heard of the movie when Jay Leno and Richard Roeper reviewed it; Leno liked it, Roeper didn't. But it looked like an interesting movie. Watching it, I realized that it's actually a really good movie. It's not perfect, but it's pretty damn good and I'm surprised it didn't get more attention. There seems to be a small theme in this film; Odd couples. First there's Cuba Gooding Jr. and Helen Mirren. Then there's Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Mo'nique. When I heard that, I didn't know if I'd buy those relationships or not...But it makes sense in a film like this. Mirren plays Rose, a hitwoman who's been diagnosed with cancer. Cuba plays Mikey, her lover and partner. Mikey is a far cry from the hitmen we see in The Matador and The Whole Nine Yards. Mikey is cold as stone, humorless and never wearing a smile. The villain is Clayton Mayfield (Stephen Dorff, 'Blade'), a rich guy who's established as being evil early on. In the beginning of the film, he's got a man strapped to a pool table. The man is being accused of having sex with Clayton's pregnant girlfriend Vicki (Vanessa Ferlito, who bears a slight resemblance to Angelina Jolie); Clayton shoves an 8-ball in his mouth and then shoves a pool stick in his...Well, you get the idea. Rose and Mikey are hired by Clayton (not face-to-face, but through a mysterious man in a wheelchair who hands Mikey the contract) to kill his live-in comrades and his girlfriend. When Rose and Mikey arrive, they kill everyone but Rose can't bring herself to kill the helpless pregnant woman. When Vicki's water breaks, Rose delivers the baby and helps Vicki and her baby escape. To Mikey, it's a job. He's disappointed that Rose didn't complete hers, but he loves Rose and goes along with whatever she says. So does everyone else it appears including Dr. Don (Levitt), who plays both sides of the field helping Rose and Clayton. Gordon-Levitt is, I believe, between 27 and 28 years old. This is plenty of time to become a doctor, but he's so young looking I didn't really buy it. His performance is good, it's really good, but he just looks to young. His girlfriend Prescious is played by Mo'Nique, who blends some great bits of humor into a serious role. Anyway, Mikey, Rose, Vicki, and the baby move into the country; Rose quits the business, but Mikey continues working to support them all. There's a lot more to the plot, but I'll let you see it. I had read the synopsis of the film before seeing it and the way it's made it something you wouldn't quite expect. It's filmed in a surreal, brooding way. It's almost dreamlike. The performances are all great and the movie is entertaining; It's biggest flaw is that the ending seems rush. The events of the ending are thrown together and executed so quickly, it's almost like reading an abridged novel. But the symbolic ending is actually pretty damn good. If you've read about this film than you know there's a lot of sexual content. There is, but it's pretty tame. There's only two brief scenes of female nudity and (for females) you get to see a full frontal of Dorff and the backside of Gooding Jr. This is a really good, underrated film. Check it out.

GRADE: A

"Josh,"

1) It's not perfect, but you gave it 5 stars and an A? Were you grading the movie on a curve?

2) Odd couples as a theme? Hmmm... sure! Dorff and his wife sure were an odd couple! And what about Cuba and Helen? O-D-to-the-D! And when I saw Mo'Nique kissin' on that kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun? I haven't seen a couple that odd since Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau were in that movie based on the play whose name I can't quite remember...!

3) "I had read the synopsis of the film before seeing it and the way it's made it something you wouldn't quite expect." and "It's biggest flaw is that the ending seems rush." Wait... what?

4) You're crazy.

 

[Resnik]

#7

Spare yourself the time. 3 stars
Peter Shermeta (Rochester, MI)

As the movie began to pick up steam, it really began to rub me the wrong way. There were ridiculous scenes at the beginning that I figured only set the stage for more to come. Luckily the weird beginning did not become the weird middle or the weird ending. The movie got less bizarre, but the story never really seemed to do much for me. The only redeeming factors in Shadowboxer were a few performances. The cast was decent and some of the actors did a respectful job.

The bad guy: I like Stephen Dorff; he reminds me of a young, Lost Boys-esque Kiefer Sutherland. But maybe the vampire vibe comes from his part in Blade. The world may never know. He plays the over-the-top crime boss. We see that his men are fiercely loyal, though we never know why. We never find out what he does or why he is so good at it. All we know is that he is heartless and wants his wife killed. I like him, but he wasn't great here. Though some of you may enjoy his full-frontal scene...

The good guy: Cuba Gooding, Jr. has played some brilliant parts over his well-respected career. He has done great work in great films and he has done great work in some lesser films. Shadowboxer will fall into the latter category. Cuba's role was not one many other actors would covet, especially if they had his name recognition, but he was impressive in it. Another "lesser" movie in which Cuba excelled is A Murder of Crows.

The doctor: Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Out of nowhere, Gordon-Levitt has given me two great performances. He did not have a lead role in Shadowboxer like he did in Brick, but he is still worth mentioning. I can talk about how good Cuba was and I can talk about how excited I get when a movie is set in Philadelphia and someone makes a run to Pat's for cheesesteaks, but it was really Gordon-Levitt's performance that was the highlight of the movie for me. His part was much less serious than his character in Brick, and it was hilarious. Maybe it wasn't intended to make me laugh so hard, but Gordon-Levitt as the crime boss's go-to doctor when "accidents" occur, who also has an affinity for large black women...if you would not laugh you don't have a sense of humor.

If you take a "Hey, I think you'll like this" recommendation from someone who has not even seen the movie you could enjoy parts of it. That is the brief version of how I ended up seeing Shadowboxer. I went through it so now you don't have to. And now I can do my small part to educate you on a movie you are probably better off avoiding.

Peter,

1) "Maybe it wasn't intended to make me laugh so hard, but Gordon-Levitt as the crime boss's go-to doctor when "accidents" occur, who also has an affinity for large black women...if you would not laugh you don't have a sense of humor." Actually, I have an incredibly fantastic sense of humor, thank you very much. In fact, my sense of humor could kick your sense of humor's ass any day.

2)"If you take a "Hey, I think you'll like this" recommendation from someone who has not even seen the movie you could enjoy parts of it. That is the brief version of how I ended up seeing Shadowboxer." Wait... what? Someone recommended the film to you even though they hadn't seen it? What color is the sky in your world of hastily-written reviews?

3) "I went through it so now you don't have to. And now I can do my small part to educate you on a movie you are probably better off avoiding." Which is why I gave it 3 stars.

#8

Where's the version I saw at the theater? 3 stars
A. McGraw (USA)

This "R" rated version is not the same unrated one I saw at the movies last summer. Why is the unrated version not available???

A.,

1) http://www.amazon.com/Shadowboxer-U.../ref=sr_1_7/002-9617536-3594466?ie=UTF8&s=dvd Sadly, it's currently unavailable. But what three minutes could possibly be missing that you'd notice? Wait. Is Stephen Dorff's penis not in the R-version?

(shakes fist at sky)

2) You were fantastic in Love Story.

#9

Hit Me With Your Best Shot 4 stars
Mel Odom (Moore, OK USA)

When Rose (Helen Mirren, PRIME SUSPECT), a professional hitwoman, decides to renege on a contract and let an intended corpse and her baby live, her partner Mikey (Cuba Gooding, Jr.) knows their world is about to change drastically. They've been partners since he was a kid and she was the woman who partnered with his father on professional killings. She taught him everything about the art of killing. Clayton (Stephen Dorff), the crime boss who hired them to kill his wife and unborn child, is a truly psychotic animal. The problem is, Rose is dying of cancer and wants to leave something good behind. And she believes it will be this child.

Lee Daniels directed the movie as well as MONSTER'S BALL, another ethnic thriller that slammed audiences with sex and violence and gave Halle Berry the chance to win an Academy Award. Helen Mirren starred in the PRIME SUSPECT seasons on the BBC as well as THE QUEEN. Cuba Gooding, Jr. has been in several movies, including JERRY MAGUIRE, MEN OF HONOR, and SNOW DOGS. Stephen Dorff starred in BLADE and COVERT ONE: THE HADES FACTOR.

The film showcased developing characters and a telescoped plot that spread over years. Viewers are forced to read between the lines on some of the continuity, and to make judgment calls where the characters and action are concerned. The fascinating thing about the film is the dichotomy of how caring and how cold-blooded Rose and Mikey are, and the horror of Vickie's situation, never truly able to take care of herself or her child. Normally a film like this carries the views along on action alone, but there was a depth of character that allowed for fascination to set it. I simply couldn't stop watching to see how things came out, and on more than one occasion I didn't see a twist coming till it slammed me between the eyes.

There is a lot of sexuality, nudity, and violence in the movie, but it's genuine and real. Not gratuitious. This is a world of violent people, and it's presented with the carnality that's in that world.

SHADOWBOXER is a different kind of crime film. It has a lot of film noir elements, but they're presented in a different mix. If you liked A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, you'll probably enjoy SHADOWBOXER.

Mel,

1) Lee Daniels did not direct Monster's Ball. Marc Foster did.

2) "Normally a film like this carries the views along on action alone, but there was a depth of character that allowed for fascination to set it." Is there a gas leak on Amazon.com? Does anyone there speak English?

3) "I simply couldn't stop watching to see how things came out, and on more than one occasion I didn't see a twist coming till it slammed me between the eyes." I'll bet the twist ending in Titanic knocked you for a loop, too.

4) "There is a lot of sexuality, nudity, and violence in the movie, but it's genuine and real." So... Stephen Dorff really shoved a pool cue up that guy's ass and killed him? And Helen Mirren really fucked Cuba Gooding, Jr.? Gee... I might have to watch this again...

5) "If you liked A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE, you'll probably enjoy SHADOWBOXER." Wow. That's kind of like saying, "If you liked ANNIE HALL, you'll probably enjoy RV."

 

[Resnik]

#10

Gripping Till The Last Scene 5 stars
Dorrie Wheeler "Author of Be My Sorority Sister, founder of Thabiz.com" (Virginia Beach, Va United States)

The Lee Daniels film Shadowboxer arrives on DVD this November 7th. There was great buzz surrounding this film despite the fact that it wasn't a huge blockbuster in theaters. One thing for sure, if you missed this film during it's theatrical run you won't want to miss it on DVD.

Cuba Gooding Jr. gets gangsta as he stars as Mikey. Mikey is hit man who works with his much older partner Rose. Early in the film they are performing a hit when they discover that one of the intended victims is not only pregnant--but due to give birth any second. Rose is now old and she is sick and her heart is softening. She orders Mikey not to go through with the hit.

This is when things get a little cloudy judgment wise. Mikey and Rose decide to rescue the woman whose husband wants her dead and look out for her and her new son. They enlist a local doctor who has ties to the same crime syndicate that had ordered the hit on the woman to perform a checkup on the new mother and child. The doctor is involved in a romantic relationship with a nurse (Mo'Nique) with a drug problem and a nasty jealous streak.

Mikey, Rose and the new mother and child settle into a life in the country. Mikey continues to go into the city to complete hits. Despite his non traditional job, Mikey has other demons that he is dealing with, one being a very complicated and intimate relationship with Rose. Their relationship will have viewers wondering just whether Rose and Mikey are involved in a familial relationship or a romantic one.

Monique and Macy Gray have small roles in the film. The primary stars of the film are Cuba Gooding Jr., Helen Mirren and Vanessa Ferlito.

Shadowboxer is a very violent movie. However, its well written and you will want to watch this intriguing movie until the very last scene. Special features include commentary from Lee Daniels and Cuba Gooding Jr., and a making of Shadowboxer featurette.

Dorrie,

After visiting the website you founded, I notice (on the front page) a large photo of Lee Daniels (his name is on it- I wouldn't have recognized him without it). I clicked the photo and saw this: http://www.thabiz.com/leedanielsinterview.htm

Holy conflict of interest, Batman!

So, Lee gave you an interview and you responded by fellating his b.m. of a movie on Amazon.

How very Fox News of you.

#11

GLORIOUSLY, BRILLIANTLY AWFUL!!! 5 stars
MARC ANDREYKO

if you're a fan of movie's so bad because the actors think they're in a good one (Showgirls, Mommie Dearest, Valley of the Dolls), then this is for you. Hitman Cuba Gooding is the step-son/lover of terminally-ill hitwoman Helen Mirren. Featuring Mo'nique on the pipe, Joseph Gordon Levitt on Mo'nique, Macy Gray on something i wanna try, and full-frontal (but safe) nudity from Stephen Dorff! Oh, yeah, and a zebra. this one must be seen to be believed!


If this is actually Marc Andreyko (the comic book writer), then that's just ridiculous. I used to chat with Marc on comicbloc.com (he even sent me a pile of autographed Sam & Twitch: Casefiles I needed!) and he is hilarious. His books (including Torso, Manhunter, and S&T: C) are phenomenal.

That he would be one of the 11 people that reviewed the movie I have become infatuated with... just amazing.

And he's right! You cannot possibly fathom just how awful the movie is unless you see it.

And if this is just some guy who thought it would be cool to pretend to be Marc Andreyko (or a different Marc Andreyko), then that explains the lack of capital letters.

*****

G'night!

 

[Resnik]

Your tax dollars at work.

A state law went into effect yesterday that prohibits children under 14 years of age from using tanning beds. And kids under 18 need parental permission.

Hooray?

*****

According to a new study, 99% of all internet searches indexed by Google and Microsoft are NOT pornography-related.

Which I think is a spurious argument.

If someone in Minnesota searches for bundt cake recipes every day because that's his fetish and he beats off like a gorilla when he finds them, that's probably going to wind up in the 99%.

*****

FADE IN:

INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HALLWAY. DAY.

Two fourth-grade students, Billy and Tommy, are scowling at each other.

BILLY
I'm willing to discuss it, if you're willing to stop being a dick.

TOMMY
I'll stop being a dick when you stop being a douchebag.

FADE TO BLACK

*****

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, said yesterday that Iran would be willing to talk to the U.S. about helping to end the war in Iraq if the U.S. "corrects its behavior."

The White House responded by saying that there will be no discussions with Iran "until the rogue nation shapes up."

FADE TO BLACK

*****

President Bush went to Vietnam last night to meet with world leaders and discuss North Korea. This marks the President's first trip to Vietnam.

Not counting Iraq.

*****

The cartoon on Page Six today? Heather Mills in a gun store yelling at a man in a fez, "An arms dealer? You told me you were a legs dealer!"

So, grasshopper... the teacher has become the student!

*****

Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen) has been offered millions of dollars to write a book. Borat also recently signed a deal with Boxtree (a British publisher) to write a book that will contain naked photos of the women in Borat's village.

Nice, considering Cohen stands to make only $5,000,000 from the Borat movie.

*****

Before their split, Britney and Kevin were flying to New York. Britney had her own private jet. She told Kevin to buy his own ticket and fly on a different plane.

Then she shut off his phone and cancelled his credit cards.

Fan-fucking-tastic!

*****

So, guards on the set of the TV show Brothers & Sisters were walking by Calista Flockhart's car. They noticed a guy passed out in the back. They got nervous. They broke into the car to grab the guy.

Who turned out to be Harrison Ford.

Oopsie-doodle!

*****

Gary Condit is suing Dominick Dunne for slander. Again.

Yawn.

*****

Now they're saying that the Inverted Jenny stamp on that absentee ballot is a fake.

D'oh!

*****

Holy fuck.

I mean... wow.

O.J. Simpson will sit down for an interview with the Fox network.

To discuss the murder of his ex-wife and her lover.

The two-part interview will be called If I Did It, Here's How It Happened and in it, O.J. will walk us through how he committed the double murder (you know, if he did it).

What's truly insane is that the money he gets from this despicable farce will probably not go to the Goldman family, as a judge just ruled that O.J. doesn't have to give it to them.

Unreal.

What next? O.J. walks us through the Holocaust?

If I Killed Six Million Jews, Here's How It Happened
Coming to Fox in January!

*****

The Post says Mike Mussina agreed to 2 more years with the Yanks for $22.5 million.

But the radio just said that he may get traded.

Grrrrrr......

*****

Dan, Ethan and I are now finishing up the applications that VH1 sent (in response to our initial submission).

We're that much closer to the $250,000!

Happy New Comics Day!

 

[Resnik]

Madonna's thinking about adopting another Malawian baby. Jeremy Piven still hates Jack Black for being cast in High Fidelity (he really wanted that part). Derek Jeter is now fucking Jessica Biel. In its first 10 days of release, the movie Dreamgirls will cost you $25 per ticket. The Weinstein Co. has made a deal with Blockbuster- only they will be allowed to rent their movies in the United States. The Colorado Rockies have offered to take Carl Pavano off the Yankees' hands.

And I don't care.

I mean, sure, I care. But I can't bring myself to discuss these things.

For, you see, I got an email this morning (and, an hour later, a phone call telling me that I had been emailed).

The Bandit, The Man and The Bear have been accepted by the World Series of Pop Culture.

Our audition is January 20th.

One. Step. Closer.

Have a lovely evening, IRC.

 

[Resnik]

BRIEF HIATUS

Gotsta go up north now. Tomorrow is my brother's wedding. Sunday is for nursing the hangover.

Stay classy, IRC.

When next you hear from me, I'll have a sister-in-law!

 

[Resnik]

http://www.tmz.com/2006/11/20/kramers-racist-tirade-caught-on-tape/

More later.

 

[Resnik]

Oh, Rosie. When will you learn? The first place you should look for footage of celebrities screaming racial slurs is right here, as evidenced above.

The wedding (my brother's, not Tom Cruise's) was a success. My best man speech went over like gangbusters, I got to see old friends and relatives I haven't seen in years, I got drunk... a good time was had by all. And, as promised, I now have a sister-in-law.

*****

"If you mean by 'military victory' an Iraqi government that can be established and whose writ runs across the whole country, that gets the civil war under control and sectarian violence under control in a time period that the political processes of the democracies will support - I don't believe that is possible."

-Henry Kissinger (yes, that Henry Kissinger)

*****

http://www.breitbart.com/news/2006/11/20/D8LH1KAG0.html

Wow. The Fox network is showing restraint. Go figure.

What's O.J. gonna do for money now?

*****

FYI: Cameron Diaz's recent nose job was done for health reasons. Cameron claims that she has broken her nose four times.

FYI: Paula Abdul's dirty little secret? "Few know I'm Jewish. My father's a Syrian Jew. Mom, Canadian with Jewish roots. I'd love to visit Israel."

FYI: Former Yankee Alfonso Soriano will play for the Chicago Cubs for the next eight years. Price tag? $136,000,000. I love Soriano. I miss him. Congrats, Cubbies!

*****

FYI: I'm now going to watch Michael Richards' symposium on how not to react to hecklers. For the fourth time. G'night!

 

[Resnik]

The W has delicious room service.

The next time you stay there, try the Spicy Steak sandwich.

Tere and I stopped by to visit her sister, brother-in-law and nephew (three of the loveliest).

Her nephew and I pillow fought for two hours.

Then, an hour in the subway system.

Now, this.

I need a drink.

*****

There is no Britney/K-Fed sex tape. At least, that's what K-Fed's attorney is telling people.

http://today.reuters.com/news/artic...31273_RTRUKOC_0_US-BRITNEY.xml&src=rss&rpc=22

What's K-Fed gonna do for money now?

*****

Lindsay Lohan lost a bracelet that Cartier in London had lent her. So, she had to write them a check for 20,000 pounds.

Poor Lindsay Lohan.

*****

Robert Altman, one of the greatest American film directors of all time, is dead.

My brother dated his granddaughter for a while and he got to spend time with Altman as a result. My brother had nothing but nice things to say about him (and the fact that he named his dog McCabe should indicate how much he admired the man).

Godspeed, Robert.

*****

CBS is suing the FCC - they're challenging the Janet Jackson Nipplegate fine they were forced to pay.

Good luck with that, CBS!

*****

Two Gypsies from the Romanian village of Glod (Nicole Todorache and Spiridom Ciorebea) have jumped on the let's-sue-Borat bandwagon. They're suing 20th Century Fox for exploiting them. They claim they were told that the movie would be a documentary about poverty in their community.

Um... if it were... wouldn't your appearance in the documentary still be exploitation?

"We thought we going be poster children of poverty! Look at how poor and sad we are! But not case! Film not showing world how pathetic we are! Film is lie! Give money or we curse you!"

*****

Wanna take a dump on 46th Street?

Now, you can!

20 ultra-luxury public toilets were installed yesterday. The private stalls each feature a different NYC-themed mural and attendants to keep them lemony fresh.

I predict that they will become shit-smeared rape boxes by Hanukkah.

*****

A Harvard University study saw physical changes in Anolis sagrei lizards less than a year after predators were introduced to the lizards' Bahamian home. The lizards apparently moved into the trees to avoid the predators and their legs shortened to adapt.

Does this prove evolution?

Are people like our good friend Maureen finally going to admit that their literal belief of The Bible is sad and ill-informed?

*****

Anthropologists from Austria unearthed the graves of three infants from almost 30,000 years ago.

Does this prove evolution?

Are people like our good friend Maureen finally going to admit that their literal belief of The Bible is sad and ill-informed?

*****

Carlos Hatch, 33, shook his ex-girlfriend's baby so violently, the two-year-old girl wound up in a coma. She has since woken up, but she still has "lasting problems."

Carlos was sentenced to four years.

Four. Years.

Enjoy prison, Carlos!

*****

Usher is slated to play James Brown in a bio-pic.

Fergie is in talks to play his wife.

I am currently in negotiations to not see it.

*****

Jack Black and Jeremy Piven made up. By getting stoned together.

Awwww.

*****

Britney Spears' new BFF?

Paris Hilton.

Does this prove evolution?

Are people like our friend Maureen finally going to admit that their literal belief of The Bible is sad and ill-informed?

*****

So Tom and Katie's wedding in Italy? Not legally binding.

Nor was it s'posed to be.

They did the actual service before they got arrived.

So gay.

*****

Walid Hassan was one of Iraq's biggest celebrities. The 40-something Shiite was the star of Caricature, a popular TV show known for its dark political satire.

Gunmen assassinated Walid yesterday.

Godspeed, Walid.

*****

Queen Stupid of the Day is Jasmine Collins!

Jasmine is 40! She is an aunt! And a mother! Yesterday, her 5-year-old nephew, Meshach Collins, came over to play with his cousins! So Jasmine stabbed him to death!

All hail Queen Stupid!

*****

Derek Jeter lost the MVP Award by 14 points.

Boo.

*****

Oh, so that's what K-Fed is doing for money now.

Yesterday, he taped an episode of 1 vs. 100 (he was part of "the mob"). It will air December 1st.

Poor K-Fed.

*****

Did anyone else watch Comic Relief 2006?

What a fucking trainwreck.

*****

Sleepytime!

G'night!

 

[Resnik]

So, Michael Richards screamed "nigger" at some black people. Repeatedly.

This looks like a job/photo opportunity for...

Fat Al Sharpton!

"[He] should apologize to the people to whom his remarks were directed and most offended. In all due respect to David Letterman, it seems strange that one would insult African-Americans in a long tirade and then go on a white television show with a mostly white studio and viewing audience to make a statement of apology."

Fat Al then called Richards' apology "unacceptable."

He's totally right. Richards should have appeared on Girlfriends and BET's 106 & Park.

In other Michael Richards news, comedienne Jeremy Beth Michaels tells of an altercation that took place a few weeks ago.

Michaels was hosting a show at a comedy club and Richards performed. She claims that Richards' set was "racially-charged" and not very funny. When his set was over, Michaels accidentally knocked his tape recorder off of a table. Richards reacted by saying, "You'll never work in this town again. I'll make sure of that, you little cunt!"

Poor Michael Richards.

*****

They sure do grow 'em brave in Argentina.

At a Buenos Aires restaurant on Monday night, someone successfully stole Barbara (the young, drunk one, not the old, mannish one) Bush's purse. Even though she was constantly surrounded by Secret Service agents.

Ridonkulous.

*****

Prosecutors in the Bahamas have ordered the local po-po to re-interview Howard K. Stern about the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son, Daniel.

Good luck, Howie!

*****

Paul Iversen decided that he wanted to un-estrange himself from his parents. So, yesterday, he paid them a visit.

He tells his mother that he misses his parents and wants to move back in with them.

Then his mother tells him that his father is dead.

Then Paul found his father's remains- on a bed, under a blanket.

Where they had been for the last THREE YEARS.

Still want to move back in with Mom, Paul?

*****

Is Taye Diggs cheating on his wife, Idina Menzel, with Ashlee Simpson?

Possibly!

*****

Sources say (and say and say and say) that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding smooch lasted three whole minutes. That people in the crowd started screaming "Stop!"

In her column today, Liz Smith remarked about how this kiss reminded her of David Gest and Liza Minnelli's wedding smooch.

Well spotted, Liz!

*****

A drunk driver's reckless speeding caused havoc on the West Side Highway yesterday afternoon, killing a 41-year-old and injuring three others.

The driver's name? Michael Rush.

LOL.

*****

The American Family Association (a Christian conservative group) is telling its supporters to boycott Wal-Mart.

Why?

Because Wal-Mart paid $25,000 to become a member of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.

(Wait... Wal-Mart is gay?)

So, naturally, showing that they fully understand the teachings of Jesus Christ, these Christians are hoping to punish Wal-Mart for reaching out to the gay community.

Yay, religion!

*****

Did you know that Coca-Cola owns Odwalla?

Did you know that Pepsi just bought the Naked Juice Co.?

Now you do!

*****

Nancy Grace is being sued by the Duckett family! They say she's responsible for Melinda Duckett's suicide!

Good luck, Ducketts! Win some ducats!

*****

Try to follow this.

Clay Aiken subbed for Regis Philbin last Friday on Live! With Regis & Kelly.

At one point, Clay put his hand over Kelly Ripa's mouth (he felt she was doing all the talking). Kelly freaked out, saying, "No, no, no. I don't know where that hand has been."

Yesterday on The View, Rosie O'Donnell angrily chastised Ripa for her actions.

"Now listen to me. That's a homophobic remark. If that had been a cute man, a guy she didn't question his sexuality... I guarantee if that had been Mario Lopez, she would not have said the same thing."

Since The View airs live, Ripa saw Rosie's wrist-slap and called in to defend herself. She explained that Aiken had been shaking the hands of audience members during commercial breaks and that she was afraid of catching flu or cold germs.

What's most interesting about this is that Rosie O'Donnell has, in essence, outed Clay Aiken.

Well done, Rosie!

*****

On my way home tonight, I rode the subway with Mayor Bloomberg.

I seriously considered throwing a cigarette at him, but decided I'd rather smoke it.

Happy New Comics Day!

 

[Resnik]

Sometimes, things happen that make you believe in a cosmic balance. That maybe, just maybe, there is a higher power that sets things right.

Because the script was deemed "too raunchy," Atlanta's Emory University booted the cast and crew of the Revenge of the Nerds remake from their campus.

Fox Atomic Films says it's now unlikely that the film (starring one of the Laguna Beach whores) will go forward.

Yay!

*****

Billy Dee Williams on Thanksgiving:

"I can't bring myself to ever celebrate Thanksgiving. It was the arrival of the Europeans which disrupted the entire Native American civilization and I think that was a tragedy."

Williams then asked if anyone listening was going to finish that sandwich.

*****

Scott Stapp (remember him?) fell from his penthouse balcony early Saturday morning. Sadly, he survived. Was his fall the result of his being drunk again (he was arrested in February for public intoxication and he wasn't allowed to fly on his honeymoon because he was belligerently drunk)?

Not according to the fat has-been. He claims he was just "kidding around with my friends."

Maybe next time he'll die.

Please.

*****

A chemical plant in Danvers, Massachusetts exploded yesterday. Less than a dozen people were injured, even though 90 homes were damaged (15-25 beyond repair).

Wow.

*****

Pope Benedict XVI is considering allowing married couples to use condoms if one of the spouses is HIV-positive (or a drug user).

But the Vatican would still ban condoms for everyone else.

Religion is stupid.

*****

When I told you about Paul Iversen's dead father, I neglected to explain that the bed Paul found his dad in was the bed that hos mother continued to sleep in.

For three years, Joanne Iversen slept with the decomposing corpse of her husband.

That's true love.

Or insanity.

*****

Tawny Kitaen! Charged with possession of 15 grams of cocaine! Faces up to three years in prison!

I imagine that when she's asked how she pleads, she'll rip off her shirt and say, "What are you, nuts? Look at my tits!"

*****

The name of the man accused of killing his 12-year-old autistic son by slitting his throat?

Jose Stable.

I wish all criminals had ironic names.

*****

The New York Post's Lou Lumenick and Kyle Smith have bestowed upon Shadowboxer the dubious honor of being "the worst. Movie. Of the century."

Congrats, Lee!

*****

I'm off to the chester in the West to eat fowl with my familial peeps.

Have a wonderful holiday, IRC.

I'll see you in a day or two.

 

[Resnik]

Dear The Ad Agency That Handles Chili's Commercials,

No matter what the context, the phrase "come hungry" must never be uttered in any advertisement for any foodstuffs.

And posters that announce "Come hungry, leave satisfied!" can so easily be changed to "Come hungry? leave satisfied!" thereby reminding potential customers that most of your employees ejaculate in the Double-Thick Asparagasm and Arti-cheezy Fun Dip.

Please make a note of it.

Sincerely,
Jed Resnik

 

[Resnik]

FRIDAY:

On November 1st, Itomor Khaimov went to Washington Cemetery where he saw James Scott, 80, urinating on Khaimov's grandmother's grave. Scott (a cemetery employee) allegedly told Khaimov, "I'm an old man, I couldn't hold it." Then he hit Khaimov in the head with a rake. Khaimov was treated at Maimonedes Hospital and Scott was charged with assault.

On Tuesday night, Khaimov claims he was attacked by two thugs in Bensonhurst. One of the thugs told him, "You are a fuckin' punk. You are the fuckin' guy who got my father fired... I will kill you and bury you right next to your grandmother and will pee on your grave."

Like father, like son.

*****

The Pope refuses to watch the new film, The Nativity Story when it premieres at The Vatican. Because the actress playing the Virgin Mary (16-year-old Keisha Castle-Hughes) is pregnant. And unmarried. And her conception isn't immaculate (her 19-year-old boyfriend knocked her up, not God).

Although, if God is indeed everywhere, then he was on her boyfriend's penis AND in her vagina before, during and after the conception.

And he's in your poo!

*****

"We have to categorize the use of the n-word and categorize it as hate speech."
-Jesse Jackson (who has never listened to rap music, apparently)

*****

In most of the PMs that I answer every day, one question keeps popping up- namely, "What the f is Margaret Cho up to nowadays?"

Well, besides her hilarious concert film (which was released in America under four different titles- I'm the One That I Want, Notorious C.H.O., CHO Revolution, and Margaret Cho: Assassin), Margaret has joined the board of directors of Good Vibrations, a company in San Francisco that markets lube, dildos, bondage gear, and other randy items.

"I am joining Good Vibrations just in time- my Hitachi vibrator has just fallen into two pieces after 15 years."

I imagine this vomit-inducing sentiment was immediately followed by, "And then when I told my mother she was like, 'Moh-RAN! Why you pray wee-tuh fik pinises owe duh tie-muh!!!' and I was like, 'Mom! I don't test them out or anything! I'm on the board of directors!' and she was all 'Bode of ERECTIONS!?!? Moh-RAN! You no goo come-uh guzzaruh!' and I was like, 'All my friends are totally gay men!'"

*****

In Bill O'Reilly's column today, he yells and screams at the Secular-Progressives of America (is it Friday already?).

"But the S-P movement doesn't care about the Constitution. It wants an America where the people don't call the shots - the 'enlightened' minority sets the agenda."

1) Who doesn't care about the Constitution?
2) Who took office with fewer votes than his opponent, the textbook definition of an election where 'the people' didn't call the shots?
3) Who considers themselves 'enlightened'?
4) Who sets the agenda for other people's lives based on a fear-based belief system?

HINT: It isn't the Secular-Progressives.

*****

30 Rock has sold NBC 19 scripts so far, but only 13 are scheduled for taping... thus far.

Come on, NBC. It's your only funny show. Tape a full season.

*****

The Sci-Fi Channel is producing a mini-series tentatively titled The Tin Man that will offer a 21st century take on The Wizard of Oz. In their version, DG (Dorothy Gale- get it?) winds up in the Outer Zone (O.Z.- get it?) where she meets Glitch (Scarecrow!), Raw (Lion!) and Cain (former member of The Tin Men, an elite police force). And they all fight Azkedellia (a witch of some sort!) during their travels down The Old Road (Old is the new Yellow Brick!) on the way to meet The Mystic Man (Mystic? Like a Wizard? Get it?).

They haven't even started filming it and I already hate it.

That must be some kind of record!

*****

SATURDAY:

A male newborn in Santiago, Chile entered this world... pregnant. Kinda.

The boy was born with the fetus of his twin brother in his abdomen. The 4" fetus had limbs and part of a spinal cord but no head (and therefore stood no chance of survival). This 1-in-500,000 occurence is known as "fetus in fetu."

Dude! That newborn baby boy totally had an abortion!

*****

Guess who's still a suspect in the JonBenet Ramsey murder?

John Mark Karr!

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

*****

Russia has begun shipping air-defense missiles to Iran.

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

*****

Lindsay Lohan's li'l sister, Ali, is releasing a record album! It's called A Lohan Holiday!

Take that, Duff family!

*****

The two gentlemen of color that are suing Michael Richards have hired Gloria Allred (who was on Maury this morning!). They want Richards to meet with them in front of a retired judge to "acknowledge his behavior and to apologize to them." And also, to allow the judge to decide if any monetary compensation is warranted and if so, how much.

Richards' publicist (today's Man With The Shittiest Job) said that Richards "wasn't considering any demand for payment."

Who wants to guess what the out-of-court settlement will be? $200,000? $275,000? Each?

*****

SUNDAY:

According to a new survey, 1 in 3 female straphangers have been groped or flashed while riding the subway.

Have I mentioned how much I hate the MTA recently?

*****

What has the Bush Administration done to the sneaker industry? Why, given them a way to profit off the country's fears! For the low, low price of just $325 (plus $19.99/month for monitoring), you can put your kids in Compass Global GPS sneakers, the only sneaker with both a GPS tracking device AND a silent alarm in it!

Orwellicious!

*****

Mary Lynn Rajskub, you've made the list.

In refuting the rumors about her alleged affair with Rush Limbaugh, she tells FHM that she was on a panel with him and someone took a picture of him kissing her on the lips (sans provocation). "I was like, 'Oh, that was odd.' Then the picture was on the Internet and people thought I was going out with him. He's brilliant and hilarious, but I wouldn't say I wanted to get it on with him!"

Brilliant?

Hilarious? Intentionally?

Sigh.

*****

55 of the 468 subway stations in New York City are wheelchair-accessible.

That's just shy of 12%.

Have I mentioned recently how much I hate the MTA?

*****

Michael Richards' publicist, Howard Rubenstein, tells The Post, "[Richards] has already sought and is getting psychiatric help in Los Angeles... and he deeply regrets the terrible wound that he's inflicted on the African-American community and indeed upon all of America."

Now THAT'S hyperbole!

*****

Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko has decided to bypass the courts of his country and starting January 1st, the government will be allowed to remove children from any families that they deem "immoral." Those kids would go to an orphanage. The cost of the stay at the orphanage would be charged to the families they are taken from. Failure to pay could result in the confiscation of the families' homes.

Oh, Minsk. You so crazy.

*****

PETA (People who carE more about animals ThAn humans) released a statement to the press condemning the Anchorage First Free Methodist Church's nativity display. The church described it as a "living nativity scene." PETA blasted the church for "cruel treatment and danger to live animals."

It should be noted that all of the parts in the nativity scene were played by human beings. Including the animals.

Stupid PETA.

*****

Will Ferrell bought the film rights for Frank "Dr. Frank" Portman's debut novel, King Dork.

Ron Burgundy + The Mr. T Experience = ?

*****

Brian Boitano has started selling "What Would Brian Boitano Do?" t-shirts on his website.

Gee, Brian! You're on the cutting edge of the nation's collective consciousness (give or take eight years)!

*****

Fun fact about Tim Sale:

The guy who drew Daredevil: Yellow, Spider-Man: Blue and Hulk: Grey is colorblind.

*****

 

[Resnik]

TODAY:

Robert Durst will have completed his parole on Wednesday. He was recently spotted near the Zaro's on Broadway. Is he moving to my neighborhood? Will he chop anyone else up in his bathtub?

Stay tuned!

*****

Britney Spears somehow managed to make a lateral jump when she dumped K-Fed. She could have wound up with ANYONE after that retarded wigger and seemed better off. And yet, she found a way for people to still worry about the welfare of her kids.

Britney Spears is Paris Hilton's newest accesory. She's the new Nicole Richie.

Pray for her.

*****

If you're a Republican that believes that Bush talks to God and God helps dictate American policy and that that's a good thing, keep your eyes on Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas. He prays to God all the time.

For you see, he's crazy.

*****

Borat (which I finally saw- thumbs emphatically up) has now grossed over $109,000,000 in the U.S.

I like!

Although, I have a feeling this was Borat's swan song.

*****

Juan Carlos Rodriguez and his buddies went into a Yankee Stadium parking lot in October 2005. They decided to drag race. Juan hit an ATV and died.

So his family is suing the city and the parking garage claiming that her son shouldn't have been able to get in.

Wow.

Good luck with that, Rodriguezes.

*****

Mikey Richards went on Jesse Jackson's radio show yesterday. He claimed he has never used such racist language before.

"That's why I'm shattered by it. The way this came through me was like a freight train. After it was over, when I went to look for them, they had gone. And I've tried to meet them, to talk to them, to get some healing."

But, you know, no monetary settlement.

Richards later added, "I was in a place of humiliation."

Yeah, I have a feeling you're going to be there for a while, buddy.

*****

Dan Aykroyd is going into the wine business.

Wait! Does this mean there won't be a Blues Brothers 2000 II?

*****

Yesterday's Giants game was shameful.

Hurry up, baseball season!

*****

Why watch the first 4 episodes of 24's new season for free on television when you can buy them on DVD that same week?

U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

*****

Once again, I must ask Adam Buckman, The Post's TV critic, to make time every day to speak to the guy that writes the Best Bets: What's on Tonight sidebar on the back page.

Then he wouldn't list 10 Items or Less on TBS as one of the two best things on this evening three pages after you say the show "doesn't amount to much" and "The improvisations are sometimes so forced that I swear you can actually see the actors thinking about what to say next."

*****

I can't believe all the good TV is going away.

Tonight is the last Prison Break for a while.

The Wire has two more episodes.

Real Time with Bill Maher is on hiatus.

Saxondale is almost over (if it isn't already).

Sigh.

Have a lovely evening.

 

[Resnik]

Thanks, Britain.

Scientists there have developed a contraceptive pill... for men.

Apparently, the pill contains a chemical that stops the vas deferens from pumping sperm.

It is expected to hit the market sometime in the next five years.

During that time, one would hope, the scientists will try to develop a pill to counteract blue balls.

*****

Frank Agnello, the 16-year-old grandson of John "The Dapper Don" Gotti and star of the televisual trainwreck Growing Up Gotti, faces two charges of criminal possession of a controlled substance (morphine and OxyContin) after being pulled over for running a stop sign.

Outstanding.

*****

(spits coffee onto monitor)

Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are getting a divorce?!?!

But they seemed so riddled with venereal diseases!

The truly amazing part of this story?

Borat is to blame.

Pam and Kid (nee Bob Richie) were at Ron Meyer's house for a screening of the movie two weeks ago. Kid was not amused.

A friend of Ms. Anderson (who was there) claims "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing. Pam thought he could have a sense of humor about the movie. She was in on the gag from the beginning and loved doing the movie."

So, Borat made her a slut but the movies she made with Tommy Lee and Brett Michaels didn't?

Ever since his midget died, Kid Rock has been a sad clown.

He and K-Fed should do Jager shots together.

*****

Is Owen Wilson going to propose to Kate Hudson?

Maybe!

*****

Is Heath Ledger going to marry Michelle Williams, thereby making their child legitimate?

More than likely!

*****

Cindy Adams, still clinging to life, on Daniel Craig:

"Daniel Craig, neither gorgeous nor suave, has one look only - pouty pursed lips, and what he's now been assured is an icy blue stare. Without rationale or understanding, the first 10 minutes of Casino Royale are unrelenting shoot-'em-up. Formerly a movie's denouement, it's now the establishing opening. Why? Because this hero can't do charming or debonair. I hated the movie."

1) Granted, it's been a while since I've seen a Bond film, but don't they ALWAYS open with an action sequence?
2) Have you seen Layer Cake? Or Munich? Or Enduring Love? I'd guess not.
3) Craig was not required to "do charming or debonair," you ancient dimwit. The movie was supposed to be his origin story- how he became a double-O. The fact that Craig played Bond as someone getting used to his new life as a super-agent is a testament to his craft.
4) Please. Die.

*****

Gerardo Parraga, 19, took money out of an ATM, was grabbed by muggers who asked for his money, broke free, ran away and was shot to death. His aunt told reporters, "We don't know why they did this, why they shot him. It makes no sense."

Um, my guess would be that they wanted his money. Or maybe he saw their faces before he ran. Or maybe it was an incredibly elaborate suicide.

I don't think his aunt is trying very hard to make sense of it.

*****

McDonald's just filed a 55-page patent application in Europe and the U.S. claiming "intellectual property rights" on the construction of a sandwich.

Seriously.

McTarded.

*****

On October 23, 2005, Russell Roberts, 43, tortured his 7-year-old daughter for two straight days. First, he repeatedly kneed her in the stomach, then he whipped her with a strap. She was taken to a hospital, but died from blunt force trauma.

The little girl had been in a foster home, but was returned to Roberts in 2001. In December 2002, she suffered a fractured spine (blamed on "a fall"). In May 2003, she suffered a broken leg (also blamed on "a fall").

Roberts faced up to 25 years in prison.

But he pled guilty.

So he got 10 years.

Eligible for parole in, what, 4 years? 5?

Unreal.

*****

The longest-running play in the world, Agatha Christie's murder mystery The Mousetrap, is celebrating its 55th straight year of performances with no signs of stopping.

Also, the inspector did it.

*****

NBC has made the executive decision to refer to the war in Iraq as a Civil War from now on.

The White House disagrees.

I just don't know who to believe anymore.

*****

National Lampoon's Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj had better tie up all the loose ends from National Lampoon's Van Wilder.

I mean it.

*****

The Red Sox are aggressively shopping Manny Ramirez.

Ever since his midget died, Manny Ramirez has been a sad clown.

If he gets traded, the best one-two punch in the Major Leagues will be destroyed.

And Ortiz will still be a fat, gap-toothed baby.

*****

Who's seriously considering joining the cast of Dancing With The Stars?

Jennifer Aniston!

Oof.

Even David Schwimmer thinks that's a bad idea.

He also wants to know if anyone is going to finish that sandwich.

*****

Steve Irwin's widow, Terri, sent her daughter, Bindi, to see a psychologist because she has been "so happy" since her father's death.

Of course she's happy! She got her own damn show out of it!

*****

Peace out, IRC.

 

[Resnik]

"We've come to the conclusion that perhaps there was a little too much bean counting and a little less standing back and applying common sense to look at the total picture."
-Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff on slashing New York's anti-terror funds

Funny, that's what most of us were saying months ago...

*****

Life imitates art imitating life.

Tracy Morgan, star of the show everyone should be watching, 30 Rock, was driving drunk early yesterday morning.

He was offered a no-jail plea deal ($1,000 fine, 5 days of community service), but turned it down.

But he's currently on probation for his Hollywood DWI last December.

So... might he wind up with mandatory jail time?

Will this affect 30 Rock's chances for a second season?

Time will tell...

*****

"There's one thing I'm not going to do: I'm not going to pull our troops off the battlefield before the mission is complete. We can accept nothing less than victory for our children and our grandchildren."
-PO(tu)S explaining that he won't stay the course, but will instead stay the course.

*****

Britney Spears and Paris Hilton will co-host the Billboard Music Awards on Monday.

Maybe they'll sing "Skanks for the Memories" together!

*****

Kid Rock says he was tired of taking care of Pam's (and his) kids by himself while she partied every night.

He's like the Bizarro K-Fed!

*****

Remember Lillo Brancato, Jr.? He was an actor until he and his buddy tried to steal pills and shot a cop. Now he's in Rikers where, for the third time, he's in solitary confinement. The first two stints were for disrespecting an officer. This one is for testing positive for heroin.

Enjoy prison, Lillo!

*****

The Post has finally started spelling Adrienne Shelly's name right.

Yay!

*****

How about this?

The Red Sox have no intention of signing Matsuzaka.

They're offering almost half of the $15,000,000 a year he wants.

If they don't agree, Matsuzaka goes back to Japan and the Red Sox get their $51,000,000 back.

And no one gets Matsuzaka.

Either way, the Yankees are going to sign Kei Igawa.

So, we'll have at least one Japanese pitcher next year.

*****

Tomorrow's episode of The Office is written by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

*****
One of the greatest comic book artists has passed. Dave Cockrum will sorely be missed.

But try to have a Happy New Comics Day regardless.

 

[Resnik]

Dear The Ad Agency That Handles IHOP's Television Commercials,

No matter what the context, the phrase "come hungry" must never be uttered in any advertisement for any foodstuffs.

And commercials that proclaim "Come hungry. Leave happy." can so easily be heard as "Come hungry? Leave happy!" thereby reminding potential customers that most of your employees rub their balls on the Super Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity Combos (the whipped cream hides the sweat).

Please make a note of it.

Sincerely,
Jed Resnik