Dreams and Chit


Wow! I haven't felt like documenting my random thoughts for awhile. I couldn't resist Sugar-Snit's sexual sharing thingy though so here goes. I added a few new ones at the bottom so if anyone else actually does this quiz, feel free to add more as well.

I am bi-sexual.

My spouse or lover is aware of my orientation.

My spouse or lover has watched me have sex with someone of my gender.

I have had sex while wearing a blindfold.

I have blindfolded someone else during sex.

I have had sex while watching porn.

I have had sex while surfing porn on the Internet.

I sleep better after sex.

There are some nights I cannot sleep without sex or masturbating.

The bed is NOT my most favorite place to have sex.

I am turned on knowing someone is watching me have sex.

I am turned on knowing someone is watching me masturbate.

I have masturbated for my spouse or lover while on the phone.

I have masturbated for someone over a web cam.

I have had sex over a web cam.

I will have sex with someone I just met if they turn me on(HAVE HAD but not as a general rule).

I have been tied up during sex.

I have had sex with someone who was tied up.

I have dripped wax onto a lover's body.

I have had a lover drip wax onto my body.

I have a foot fetish.

I have a leather fetish.

I have a tickle fetish.

I like being choked during sex.

I have had sex in a burning building.

I like having my nipples squeezed during sex.

I have erotic art on display somewhere in my residence.

I enjoy nudie magazines.

Erotic toys are a regular part of my budget.*

I think PLAYBOY is tame, maybe even boring.

I have clicked on porn links in my email.

I know the difference between girl/girl and lesbian sex in porn.

I have watched more than one gay/lesbian porn video.

Much of what I know about sex comes from porn.

Interracial sex turns me on.

I have had interracial sex with someone of my gender.

I want my spouse or lover to have an interracial sex experience.

I want to watch my spouse or lover have an interracial sex experience.

I think we should do more to understand the cultures of sex.

I would participate in sex research given the opportunity.

My current lover does not sufficiently meet my sexual needs.

I currently have a "crush" on someone of the same sex.

I have had sex at my place of employment
I have had sex with someone from my place of employment.

I have had sex with a former co-worker of my gender.

I am often disappointed in my sexual relationships.

Some people might describe me as a nymphomaniac.

I am difficult to live with if I'm not having sex on a regular basis.

I sleep better with someone snuggled up next to me.

I have had sex under water.

I have had sex in the snow.

I am in a polyamorous relationship.

I have to have music playing while having sex.

I have had more than ten orgasms in one night.*

I have flashed strangers.

I have given sex as a gift.

I have set-up a three-way for my lover.

I stopped during this list to have sex.

I am turned on by hearing others having sex.

I have masturbated at my place of employment

I have masturbated while driving.

I enjoy watching others masturbate.


Oh my God!!! I can't believe I just noticed that I neglected to tell you to BOLD the true statements for the previously posted quiz. LOL!!! I must've been pretty goofy at the time.


I dreamt was about to be raped last night. My husband and I were at his mother's house (not in reality) and it was night. We were in the yard looking at this huge old tree and all of a sudden we see these owls(which were very large owls I might add) start coming out of this hole in the side of the tree. There were four of them and this seems important to me as I clearly remember being breathtakingly amazed by there being FOUR of them. One owl was solid white. I was exclaiming over this fact when my husband shushed me. I looked towards the tree and saw a man with an owl mask walk from behind it. I somehow knew immediately that he was dangerous to me. The next parts are blurry with just a general feeling of anxiety and rising panic. Somehow I convince the man that I need to go pee but I will only go in the house. I get inside alone and run into my mother-in-law's bedroom. I get the phone and while calling I am trying to explain what is going on. I can't get the 911 operator to commit to sending help. I remember having to repeat my mother-in-law's address several times. It was 719 Central. This in no way resembles her actual address but I felt such a need to note this address. It gets a little long and involved after that. I end up asking the operator if they also need my attacker's financial statements. After a bit, the man comes inside and I am on the phone trying to act completely normal My in-laws are casual with the man, as if they know him. My husband comes in and he seems to be quite familiar with the man as well. And then that's it. I wake up.

I will be the first one to admit that I have very strange dreams regularly, but this one seems full of symbols and has left me with a very bad feeling.


Dear B,
I am writing this to you here where I know you will never see it. Even if you do, you won't know it is me or you. When I met you I was blown away. I don't know how to explain. I wish that we could be friends since we can't be anything more. You fascinate me. You with your walls and your sexy shy smile. I wish that I not been quite so intoxicated the night that you kissed me. Oh that kiss...it was one of if not the best girl kisses I have ever had the pleasure of experiencing. I want more. I saw you last night for the first time in months. It felt awkward. I wanted to say so much to you but I became paralyzed. I withdrew and was distant. If I could go back in time I wouldn't be quite so open with you. Things are too complicated and you don't like complications. I have said some pretty stupid things to you. Like when I said that you didn't know what is like to finally become comfortable with your sexuality and then not be able to do anything about it. That, coming out of the mouth of a married bisexual woman, must have sounded so self-involved to your ears with you being an out lesbian living in a small town. I think that I thought you could understand...maybe that was my way of begging you to understand me. The idea that someone could really see me was thrilling. I know in my head that your sexual orientation doesn't make you more perceptive but my heart longs for the kind of peace that comes when someone "gets" you. I have struggled and questioned for years. I love my husband very much and that is not going to change. At the same time, I feel that a part of me is being denied. I need a girlfriend. Perhaps I was too honest with you. The kind of honesty that came from the intial feeling of freedom when I started being open with people about my being bisexual. I totally understand that you can't operate within the parameters of any romantic relationship that I could have with you. Its not even remotely fair for me to ask that of you. That doesn't stop me from wanting it though. When I see you, I can't stop looking at you. The way you move...your arms when you are playing...all this is too much for me knowing that we can never be what I want us to be. I once asked you what it felt like to have so many people crushin' on you and you said none of them really know you, they just have their own ideas of who you are. This is because you are so selective with who you let behind your walls. I am not so sure that you ever let anyone all the way in. Maybe you are really just being nice to me and in truth you don't like me at all. I don't know. You ask me why I haven't called you or been around. You know why. The school year has started and I have to be home with my child. You say you were begining to think that I just don't want to see you. All I can think is that you have my phone number and you don't call me. Why is that? I am not sure enough of myself to do all the calling. I don't know how to do this. I don't know the rules. I don't even like the game. I have become too used to laying it all out on the table. Maybe that scared you. I am scared too. For most of my life I have been terrified. Life is too short to pretend it. Take each moment for all that it is and stop being afraid of what it could be. Ok.. I am done now. Done with trying. I tend to try and make things the way I think they should be intead of letting things unfold as they should. I am going to stop that and see what happens.


I am having a bad time of it today. It is an alone day. A day when I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Looking at a world in which I will never be a part of. It has suddenly occurred to me that I am the "joke" in our circle of friends. The one that is tolerated for various reasons but not truly part of the group. I don't know why this got in my head but it seems certain that it is true. I love these people. I don't know who I am or what I want. I thought I did. I am scared. I never dreamed that I would be where I am at this point in my life. It is not turning out at all like I thought it would. Sometimes I think that I am mentally unstable but I just hide it well. Do others feel this way? I just want to stop. I want. I want. I want. I want to be more sure of myself. I want to stop the pain. I want to fill the void. What I am doing now is not working. I don't know how to change things. I am scared of change but I know something HAS to change. I am actually paralyzed with fear of the unknown. I have opened myself up to a different world than I have ever known and now I am not so sure I belong here. I am naive and trusting. I am tired of everyone feeling like they have to protect me. It makes me feel stupid and incapable. I want to go back to my old life where I knew the rules. But I don't belong there anymore either. Things were supposed to be a certain way and they usually were. I can't keep up with these people. They all know something that I don't. I don't know that I am able to learn this. I have been sheltered for far too long. I will never be "street smart". I am sitting here getting more and more upset. I feel on the verge of hysteria and I really don't know why. It has to STOP. I want to able to talk to someone about this but I can't so here I am. Alone. And lonesome.


This is an open letter to my husband. He is at work right now and I can't say this to him.

Dear Husband,
Do you think I LIKE being unemployed? Do you think I LIKE feeling useless?
Sometimes the only thing that keeps me from ending it all is my responsibility to to my son and when I feel that I can't even give him what he needs it gets really bad. When you make me feel like a lousy mother then I definitely do not see the point of carrying on. Right now I don't know why I am here or what I am doing. I don't "believe" or have faith any more so why not just end the torture? I love you with all my heart, but you have made it clear that you would be just fine without me in your life. Also in your opinion,so would my son and everyone else I love. I am a failure and I just don't get it. I had such hopes and dreams and they all just drifted away. I went to college so I could be independent and now I can't seem to find a job in my field. I might could find a job making minimum wage but who is going to hire a middle aged woman with no experience. It is almost like I stayed home all the years I was working. Any way I am at my breaking point and you might not have time to make it change even if you want to. All the pleasure I feel in life doesn't make up for feeling inadequate at almost everything.


It just gets worse...my Mom got diagnosed with breast cancer Monday. She goes to see the surgeon on Jan 6th. My Mom is my rock. I feel like she is the only person on the planet who loves me no matter what. No offense to my Dad. He loves me like all Dads should love their little girls. I just don't like feeling that I disappointed him somehow. I feel like my Mom, as a woman, has walked in my shoes at some point. My husband has given me an ultimatum to find a job by Feb 1st or move out. It's not that I mind working, I just want to do what I went to school to do. Is it okay for your spouse, who is supposed to love and support you, to do this? I don't feel loved at the moment. I don't understand why I keep making these choices. I am the type of person that if I decide that I care about you, I am loyal to a fault. There is a catch though, you have to love me back. You have to have the same blind devotion that I have for you. He has always said that I should never try to change him, that he is who he is and I should accept it or move on. He is always brutally honest. In fact, that(and his sense of humor) is what attracted me in the first place. However, I thought this applied to him as well. At first, he made me feel so loved and cherished but now I feel like I can't do anything right. He liked me back then, why doesn't he like me now? I deserve to be loved and cherished....not for what I do but for who I am! I need advice so if anyone reads this please pm me about what you think. Be brutally honest because I need to hear objective opinions.


It seems that there might be light at the end of the tunnel after all. My Mom has finished chemo and had her surgery. The lab results said that all the cancer cells in the tissue they removed were dead. She still has to undergo radiation, but it seems the worst is over.
I finally have found a job. I started about 3 weeks ago and it will turn into a full time position within the next 2 months. My husband has done a complete turnaround in his attitude. Even before I got this job, he had really started to work on his attitude. I think this has changed our relationship permanently though. It may be a good thing in the long run. I don't just blindly trust that he will be there for me any more. I also stand up for myself more than I have in the past and don't feel bad about doing it. If he doesn't like it then too bad.


Wow! It has been almost a year since my last entry, and let me tell you,it was one hell of a year. About 3 weeks after my last post, I had a heart attack. At age 38. No permanent damage but I now have 3 stents and have to take a bunch of EXPENSIVE meds everyday. Apparently I am not one of those people who can drink and smoke and eat poorly who live to be cantankerous old geezers. About 5 weeks after the heart attack, my husband tells me he is done. Its over. It was bad. I wanted to die. I went as far as filling the bath and getting in with one of those utility razor blade knife things. Fortunately, I had also taken some xanax and cried myself to sleep before I could do the deed. It was also fortunate that I didn't drown. Life went on. We finally came to an understanding and are working things out, taking one day at a time. We both have made alot of mistakes but we have learned alot as well.


Just to clarify, I am the crazy one. It is always me. I am the one who doesn't live up to the "standard" Maybe that should tell me something. It isn't ever good enough for me


Many Faces

Self harm comes in many forms. I poison myself daily by smoking and drinking in an attempt to....I really don't know what I want to accomplish by this. Am I trying to feel something? Am I escaping my reality? I am definitely in a mood tonight.