Dreams and Chit

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#21
I recently changed my email address. I got an email today from a photographer I whom I used to do some modeling for. I don't mean "professional type getting paid modeling", I mean "hey can you model for my "glam" photography this weekend?" type modeling. This is something I enjoyed doing. Tremendously. I was about 30 pounds lighter then. Great for my self-esteem. The last time I talked to this person, I told him I was probably through with modeling. I was so very proud of my photos that I got from our sessions. My husband doesn't like the pics... I admit that I was a vey different person then but I would still like to think my "true" self was shining through. These pics were not nudes or even semi-nudes by any means so don't get the wrong idea. However, they were sexy. they were fun and I don't regret any moment. I wish I were able to do more. I love having my picture made when it is done correctly. It makes me feel beautiful, sensuous, and just totally awesome. I would like to lose those 30 pounds and pose just one more time, before it gets too late. I guess that is my shallow side coming out. Everyone has one, some just pretend it doesn't exist. We all share certain traits, some are just better at dissimilating than others.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#22
PMSing again so anyone who doesn't want to read that type of stuff just needs to go ahead and skip this entry. I have noticed a lovely new pms symptom the past few months. At first, I didn't connect it with my period but it is has started happening too often to be simple coincidence. It involves frequent trips to the bathroom and a sore bum...I hope that was a polite enough way to put it. I was up most of the night last night and missed work today. Since I only work 2 days a week, I feel VERY guilty about missing work. Especially since my boss was joking around with me last week about taking one of my gadgets for use in his operatory and I told him that if he did that, then I would conveniently develop a case of the "stomach flu". My boss is so great. I have been working in my field for 12 years and bounced around alot. My current workplace is the best I have ever been in. I don't know if it is me that has changed or if all the other places were truly as awful as I percieved them to be. I drive almost 2 hours one way to get to work and with gas prices as high as they are and only showing signs of getting worse, the logical thing to do would be to get a job closer to home. I am feeling pressure from my husband and my family to do just that, but the last thing I want to do is leave where I am. I know all the reasons for leaving and they are logical....I still can't help thinking that I would never find a place as comfortable as I am now.

On another subject, I have found my self wondering lately who reads my journal. I try to write as if no one but me would read it but that is impossible. I read alot of the journals here and see references to others. I am ashamed to admit it but it makes me feel left out. That is a huge issue with me. I am an only child and while I was growing up my parents always made a big deal about not doing anything socially that they couldn't include me in. As an adult, I am learning that that is not always a good thing. I don't mean that I need to be the center of attention. I don't mind being on the fringes but with lots of acknowledgement. This presents problems when my husband wants to go and hang with the guys. I hate being put off with all the other wives or having to stay home with or without the kid. I love hanging with the guys. They so much more relaxed and fun than the girls. I can be myself and not worry about who says what about whom because guys don't work that way.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#23
I need some help from you animal people out there. I rescued what I assume is a box turtle(it has a hinged shell and all) from our chocolate lab this morning. I have it in my empty 75g aquarium at the moment. Its shell is cracked a little on the underneath back part and it was bleeding a small amount at first. I put a saucer of water and some pieces of lettuce in there because that's what I had on hand. It has finally come out and crawled around a little. What else can I or do I need to be doing? Please pm me with suggestions.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#24
An update on the turtle: I kept it a few days to watch for any permanent damage and I turned it loose yesterday. I toyed with the idea of keeping it but I just couldn't. I think that turtles are really cool and all, but it belongs in its own environment. My son was a little miffed at me but I hope he will grow up to respect the freedom that wild creatures deserve.

Ok, I am stealing from Stanley here but oh well. There are so many times that I think I need a hundred lifetimes to do everything I want to do. Here are some of them.

an artist

a singer

a writer

a librarian

something with wildlife management and research(preferably somewhere with water and mountains)

pro bass fisher(person?)

archeologist/geologist

a chef

an organic gardener

a linguist

a forensic scientist

Oh and I also want to have a taut fit body and be taller :slurp:
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#25
I need to write but I can't seem to make myself. My son is sick. He missed school Friday. My parents are coming to spend the night. My husband got a J-O-B!!! That is great because we are broke. I have a big fishing weekend planned for next weekend but now it looks as if it might rain. BLEH!!
I think I might have made some headway into the "good ol boys" network out here, at least they are tolerating me on the fringes. :rolleyes: I will make an entry about that later.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#26
Ok, I promised to write about my adventures in "good ole boy" land. I guess I shouldn't call it that because you might get the wrong idea. Its just that they are very close knit and most if not all of the other wives/girlfriends either are not interested or don't get included in hanging with the guys. I understand part of the reason. Guys just need "guy time" no ifs and ands or buts. Some of it is trust issues. I have had to show them that I am not going to run back and tell everything that goes on to their significant others. I am cool and loyal to those who deserve it. My husband is so great because he constantly reinforces this to his friends. I have said before that I would rather hang with the guys. Alot less bitchiness. Anyway, I have crossed a pretty big boundary. I actually got to shoot dice and play poker. And I managed to to take all their money :loopy: This may seem silly to you but to me it is of great import. When you don't really feel as if you fit in with groups of women and have been shut out of guy stuff your whole life because you are a girl it is wonderful to finally be "in".
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#27
I dreamed of my senile mamaw and alien alligators, people with animals heads, and demonic masters the other night. So many lives to lead that reincarnation HAS to be fact. No way am I gonna settle for the few short years of happiness that I have had and have to look foward to. Too many paths left unexplored. Too many barriers left unbroken. Young souls tend to view the world in this manner. We are never satisfied with what we have...always looking around the next bend at what's coming up.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#29
I am so sick of having to fit in a certain slot in life. I want to be me....not the "lil woman". Why does the status quo have to go on being what it is? Why can"t I have opinions and be free to express said opinions and not be looked upon as a second class citizen. No man..... I don't care how "enlightened" they may be, can ever know what it is like to actually be a woman. This is what I get in my life...."follow the rules they are there for a reason". I tell you what, it is a good thing that women didn't stand for that in the past. We wouldn't be able to vote or own property. I am soo pissed right now. My husband has turned into someone from medievil(sp?) times. All of this over a hunting club membership. I told him that I wish I didn't like to hunt or fish or speak my mind. Then there would be no problem. There is a rule in this hunting club that no women are allowed at the lodge after dark. The only thing I said was that while I understood why the rule was made, I didn't think it would apply to me because I don't act or do the things that the rule was made for. The prez. of the club and I had a nice conversation about it, not heated at all. I thought that he got me and I got him. After we left, my husband jumps on me with both feet. He said he does everything he possibly can for me but I am just to ignorant to realize it. I love this man with all of my heart and I expect to be backed up not bitch-slapped. I don't expect us to agree on every issue....that would be boring but jeez I do expect not to have to pretend to be something I am not. I am have never been alone and somewhere deep inside I am afraid that I am putting up with shit that I wouldn't put up with if I felt confident enough to be truly on my own. I have a son and the best thing I can do is hope that he will respect his life partner as a person not as a woman. It is almost an insult to me to be thought of that way. Don't get me wrong, I love being feminine, but I love doing some things that are traditionally a man's domain, and yet I am a girly girl. I like sparkly things. I like to dress up. Sometimes I feel very feminine(sp?) and sometimes I feel masculine. For example, I like both men and women sexually. Well..not just sexually. I just like certain people, be they male or female. Life has been such a disappoinment so far. There has got to be more. ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! I just want someone to understand and accept me for me with all my baggage and my ongoing quest for people to just be themselves. Love to all....

P.S. I think I might be infatuated with Sugar-Snit.
 
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coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#30
Ok, so I got this new job closer to home. That in itself was such a relief. Top that with the fact that I am working for a woman for the first time and it seems an exciting prospect. Wrong!!! My car died and 3 weeks after finally getting another vehicle(not the one I wanted because my credit sucks), I was in an accident with a driver who ran a stop sign. She had no driver's license and no insurance. I was off of work for a week because of my neck. I went back to work for one day and the next day my 7 year old son woke up screaming with an earache. He was literally begging me to take him to the doctor. So I call my boss and explain the situation. I tell her that I realize that it is bad timing but what can you do? She goes ballistic and tells me that I HAVE to come in and see some patients. I again explained that my son was screaming in pain. She didn't care. Keep in mind that this woman has four children of her own(she also has 2 maids). Finally in fear of losing my job, I asked if I could bring my son to work with me. She acted all put out and said he would have to stay in this tiny area with the receptionist. There would be no way for him to lay down and rest. Long story short, I took him to the Dr.'s office and the nurse practicioner wrote a note stating that my son had to stay at HOME and could not go to work with me. I didn't lose my job but I just can't let it go. I am so angry with her. It is my job to take care of my child first. He was throwing up after school today. It was only a week ago that that incident took place. Sigh....
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#31
My Thanksgiving was absolutely the BEST one that I have had in years. It was as close to perfect as could be despite the fact that I was recovering from a nasty cold. Much love and family all around. No bickering or snottiness. And, my husband was very sweet and cooperative. Little raindrops of happiness filled my air. I couldn't stop smiling all day.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#32
If anyone has been in touch with Oldlady. or knows how to get in touch with her please do so and let me know that she is ok. I really miss her updates. They always touched me in some way.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#33
I have had a wonderful blessing happen in my life. I grew up as an only child with the knowledge of the existence of an older half brother. I always wanted to find him but never thought that I could. Well, he found our Dad last week. There is no need for a dna test. We favor our father alot. The immediate connection I felt with him amazed me. I keep thinking and saying over and over....I have a big brother. I can't stop smiling or thinking about him.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#34
Emotions and thoughts swirl around in my head.....whirlpool style and I can't, I just can't. Separate any into coherent words. Life changing decisions HAVE to be made. Frozen with fear. Lists pile up. Pros and Cons. I know myself. Things need to be a certain way. Parameters must be steady and sure. I can't. I MUST but I can't. This is the time and it will pass but change will not stop. I don't know that I can handle this life. How come it is so hard? Where do I want to be? At the end of it all, what do I hope to look back and see? Not everyone is meant to do extraordinary things. Life is not a book or a movie....neat and tidy, all tied up in a ribbon. I am so disappointed in myself. My choices have been haphazard at best. I don't want to do what I have always done. What someone else expects of me is not a good enough reason for my life any more. The problem with that is I don't know what to expect of myself. Good wife, mother, daughter. I feel like I am none of those things in my heart of hearts. I am lost.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#35
My husband and child are both sick. My child has been ill for almost a month solid. My husband started getting sick yesterday. I feel 2 different ways about this. It makes me feel good to do something that makes them feel better but I resent it at the same time.

I miss my job that I hated. Well, I love what I do but I hated my boss and coworkers. I was basiclly(sp) pushed out of this job because I was out taking care of my sick child. The state that I live in is a free work state and so therefore I have no recourse. I was looking for another job anyway, but the simple wrongness of the situation is what gets me.

I am so glad that I started this journal even though I did it for the wrong reasons. At first I was concerned with my readers and that is not what I wanted or needed. I go back and read my entries and see some personal growth beginning. I have this need to see patterns in my life.....underlying effects and all that jazz.....Dr. "Mom/Wife" is being paged gotta go.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#36
Day One

I am quitting smoking. Today is the first day. There is an open pack of cigarettes in the house. I have an unlit one in my mouth right now. It makes me feel better to hold one. I am chewing gum in an effort not to eat uncontrollably. I CAN do this. I have to want to badly enough. I keep arguing with myself about just finishing that half-empty pack. Silly me doesn't want to just waste them by throwing them away. Isn't that stupid?

Ok it doesn't make me feel better to hold one. It did for a minute but now I want to light it up. Maybe I just need to get out of the house for a bit. It is a pretty day.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#37
Apparently I didn't want to quit smoking as much as I thought I did. However, I did switch to ultra lights and am smoking less than before. It's better than nothing.

I have fallen in love with my husband all over again. Well, I never stopped loving him but it seems like my feelings for him have gained a maturity that was missing. We enjoy each other's company so much.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#38
Last night, my husband and I went 4-wheeler riding with our down-the road-neighbor and his son-in-law. I had such a good time. We strapped our coolers of beer on the fronts of the 4-wheelers and took off. We live in a very rural area so we can ride trails for hours. One of our 4-wheelers isn't running so I had to ride on the back of my husband's. At one point, we came upon a fairly large mudhole with a big log across it. Well, as luck would have it, we got stuck right on the middle of the log. The 4-wheeler is almost vertical and I am hanging on for dear life. Then I realize that I have to get off for my husband to get it unstuck. Even worse, I come to the conclusion that I cannot climb off. I was left with the option of simply letting go and falling flat on my back in this mudhole. I was covered with sticky, stinky blue clay mud. My hair was matted with rotting leaves and more mud. We were all laughing so hard I don't know how we managed to finish our ride.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#39
Our Beloved Molly 1999(?)-2005

We had this wonderful dog. She was a yellow lab that had been rescued from the pound. She had been terribly abused for the first 3 years of her life. Her owner had even poured hot grease on her head. We loved her so very much. She would bare her teeth at you and wiggle her whole body and snuffle and snort with excitement. Her name was Molly but we called her "Fat Girl" and sometimes "Smiley". She had come out of her shell so much and was living and finally getting to enjoy her doggie life. She got to run and play and swim. She especially liked to lay down in large mudholes. She looked liked a hippo when she did that. She had 2 buddies(our other labs) and our mama cat always snuggled with her. She had beautiful brown eyes. Even though she was the most overweight dog of the three, whenever she heard something in the woods she would bark and run full speed. She always beat the other dogs to where ever they were going. I am going to miss her so much. My husband got home from work before me yesterday and found her dead in our yard. She had been shot with either a .22 or buckshot multiple times. This had to have occurred in our yard or close to it because she couldn't have gone far judging from her wounds. I am so sick with the senselessness of this cruel act. We know our neighbors and everyone knew Molly. She was the famous "smiley dog". I can't imagine who could have done this. I feel violated. I hate them and wish horrible poxes and calamities on them and their families.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#40
I had to go to my old house (where my ex-husband and I lived) yesterday to drop my son of to visit his sperm donor. I had to walk around the house and see my landscaping and my front porch swing, my this and my that. My roses. My hostas. My fence. My magnolia tree(it finally bloomed). It's not mine anymore. I gave it up to get away from him. I miss my stuff though. My stomach turns when I hear his voice. I have never known true hatred until him. I don't understand how I could ever been in love with him. It affects every aspect of my life. Our son will be eight this year. I can't get past the fact that he is "his" son.


Yesterday would have been our sixteenth wedding anniversary. All that wasted time on an unrealistic dream. How stupid I feel. Shouldn't have taken so long to wise up.
 
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