Dreams and Chit

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#1
Dreams and chit

Awareness of your dreams
personality flaws
lucid dreaming
need
greed
vanity
self-absorption
peace love and happiness
faith
SEX
daily grind
hardware stores
MORE SEX
compassion
yearning for
strength
wanting something for nothing
easy=cheap
hard=expensive
GUILT
motherhood
FEAR
anticipation
humor=anger
puppy breath
Acceptance and love
come


See you in Dreamland
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#2
*note to self*
Don't post when you are stoned out of your mind :loopy:

Hi! I am a recovering selfish, spoiled, bratty bitch. I have gone through the spineless stage, the whiny stage, and am currently smack dab in the middle of the angry "hell-on-wheels" stage. I am very happy to here thank you very much. Feels good to assert and release years of pent up rage. Entertaining the notion of taking up kickboxing or something involving beating on something or someone. The odd thing is, I feel much more at peace with the anger than I ever have before.

Fair warning to those who don't like dream journals, my title says it all. This journal will contain some of my dreams interspersed among various commentary and diatribes.

I have been reading the journals here for a while now. I came here when I read about Ali Davis' journal in my husband's Playboy. Yes, we both start hugging the mailbox when it's time for a new issue. It feels weird to have come to care so much about what is happening a so many strangers lives. Gypsy, Sugar-Snit, Minou, OldLady, the "Travels with Sarah" guy, Randilicious, Minx, and many others.

I am sitting here trying to thiink of a graceful way to end this post....LOL I don't want this to feel like I am writing for someone else damn it!! But I guess it is inevitable and maybe part of the appeal as well.

later
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#3
Ok, I did it again. I have a tendency to start to open up online then freeze and hide. I guess I do the same thing in real life. I have decided not to share my dreams for the moment. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, though.

My husband and I are trying to buy some land. That's all I can think about lately. 60+ acres of land. I have become obsessed with gardening research. I LOVE to play in the dirt. Owning a large amount of land has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember.

This is my second marriage and I am 32 years old. The first one was a prep course in what not to do/want in a marriage. I stayed almost 12 years and almost died in the process. I know that sounds dramatic but it is true. I went so far inside myself trying to escape a bad situation that I almost couldn't find my way back out. My ex was never physically abusive but the mental and emotional abuse was sheer hell. The worst part was that it was so subtle. By the time it ended, I couldn't talk to anyone or drive anywhere other than to work and back. I was convinced that I was a terrible mother and an awful person in general. I was totally incapable of actually interacting with others, except on a superficial basis. I think that I had alot to do with it though. I am the type of person that wants to please everyone, at any expense. I don't like turmoil. Sometimes I regret all that wasted time, but then I realize that it was an important learning experience and that I wouldn't be who I am today without it. I don't think I would truly appreciate my good fortune in my life now had I not been through hell already. I am just that kind of person. I have to be shown things, telling me is not enough...did I say that I am thick-headed and stubborn? A curse but a blessing as it was the only thing that got me through but it also made me stay waaaaayyy longer than I should have. Ok enough history for now.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#4
Patience and tolerance.....

are virtues that I need to work on a bit.

I am on pins and needles. I hate waiting. On Wednesday, my husband and I went to apply for a mortgage for this place we found. Our dream place as a matter of fact. It is 60+ acres with a 4BR home and 2!!!! ponds. Lots of room to play. I am country girl. Love to fish, deer hunt, and dig in the dirt. I am probably going to get a jeep and get rid of my fast little convertible sportscar. Accck!!! I just read all that together and it reads as if I am very much a redneck. I am most definitely not a redneck. I am a girly-girl but with a twist. Oh yeah, I guess that makes me a southern girl. I keep trying to tell myself that it is not unusual to not have heard anything back form the mortgage company yet. After all, there is much to be done to check out the people who asking to borrow a substantial amount of money.

On another subject entirely, My mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and myself went on an outing at my suggestion. I told my husband that he would be keeping my son while we went and had a "girls day out". I show up at the designated meeting place and there they are along with my 9 month old nephew!!! I took the high road and was very sweet but inside I was seething. Neither of them ever said anything about him being there even though I had been very plain from the beginning that I wanted a day without children. I had even gone as far as to ask her husband at the same time I asked mine to keep the kids for us. I love them very much but that felt like a slap in the face to me. I was attempting to give use some "bonding time" because things have been a tiny bit strained between the three of us lately. Nothing huge just a few little things that have sort of put up a few low walls here and there. Am I being overly sensitive?
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#5
Ok Here it is, the self indulgent list, This is my playlist for the day. It is by no means a comprehensive list of the songs I have downloaded. I have somewhat of a eclectic taste in music. Moods change ya know.


Midnight Train to Georgia-Gladys Knight and the Pips

Kryptonite-3 Doors Down

What's Up- 4 NonBlondes

Der Kommissar-After the Fire

Fantasy-Aldo Nova

Daydream Believer-Anne Murray

Always-Alantic Star

Secret Lovers-Alantic Star

Mandy-Barry Manilow

Blackbird-The Beatles

Steal My Kisses-Ben Harper

Chantilly Lace-The Big Bopper

Everybody Wants You-Billy Squier

Heart Of Glass-Blondie

If I were a Carpenter-Bobby Darin

Total Eclipse of the Heart-Bonnie Tyler

Its A heartache-Bonnie Tyler

Henry the 8TH-Herman's Hermits

Long Haired Country Boy-Charlie Daniels Band

The Most Beautiful Girl in the WOrld-Charlie Rich

Don't Pay the Ferryman-Chris Deburgh

Can't Hold Us Down-Christina Aquilara

Lady Marmalade-Christina Aguilara,Mya,Pink,Lil Kim

A Bad Goodbye-Clint Black and Wynona

Bloodletting(the Vampire Song)-Concrete Blonde

One Tin Soldier-Coven

Rockin Robin-Bobby Day

At the Hop-Danny and the Juniors

Bits and Pieces-Dave Clark Five

You Never Even Called Me By My Name-David Allen Coe

Let It Whip-Dazz Band

Thank You-Dido

Travelin Soldier-The Dixie Chicks

Iko Iko-Dixie Cups

Come On Eileen-Dexy's Midnight Runners

Ain't No Sunshine-DMX

My Rough and Rowdy Ways-Doc Watson

Wabash Cannonball-Doc Watson

Jolene-Dolly Parton

Tulsa Time-Don Williams

New Moon On Monday-Duran Duran

Save a Prayer-Duran Duran

Honkey Tonk Man-Dwight Yoakum

Guitars and Cadillacs-Dwight Yoakum

Boyz in tha Hood-Dynamite Hack

I'll Be-Edwin McCain

Dream a LIttle Dream-Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong

I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues-Elton John

Hard Headed Woman-Elvis Presley

Queen of the Silver Dollar-Emmylou Harris

Whatta Man-En Vogue and Salt and Peppa

Let Me Blow ya Mind-Eve and Gwen Stefani

What its Like-Everlast

Out of My Head-Fastball

Holdin Out for a Hero-Bonnie Tyler

Singin In the Rain-Frank Sinatra

Double Dutch Bus-Frankie Smith

Before the Next Teardrop Falls-Freddy Fender

We'll Sing in the Sunshine-Gale Garnett

Shameless-Garth Brooks

I Just Wish You Were Someone I Loved-The Gatlin Brothers

He Stopped Loving Her Today-George Jones

Fool Hearted Memory-George Strait

You look So Good in Love-George Strait

Rhinestone Cowboy-Glenn Campbell

I Will Survive-Gloria Gaynor

Too Shy-Kajagoogoo

Basket Case-Greenday

Long View-Green Day

Time of Your Life-Green Day

Welcome to Paradise-Green Day

November Rain-Guns n Roses

Welcome to the Jungle-Guns N Roses

Sweet Child O Mine-Guns N Roses

Magic Man-Heart

Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Daughter-Herman's Hermits

Lazy River-Hoagy Carmichael

Stardust-Hoagy Carmichael

Obsession-Human League

I Hate Myself For Loving You-Joan Jett

Proud Mary-Ike and Tina Turner

Little Old Lady From Pasadena-Jan and Dean

Me and Bobby McGee-Janis Joplin

Flood-Jars of Clay

Foolish Games-Jewel

Standing Still-Jewel

I Love Rock and Roll-Joan Jett

Crazy Baby-Joan Osborne

Man in The Long Black Coat-Joan Osborne

Son of a Preacher Man-Joan Osborne

Daddy Sang Bass-Johnny Cash

The Battle of New Orleans-Johnny Horton

Don't Take Her, She's All I've Got-Johnny Paycheck

Where've You Been-Kathy Mattea

Cowboy-KId Rock

Forever-Kid Rock

Gloria-Laura Branigan

Groovin'-Leif Garrett

Sheila-Leif Garrett

Funkytown-Lipps

Dixie Chicken-Lttle Feat

Stagger Lee_Loyd Price

Brandy-Looking GLass

What a Wonderful World-Louis Armstrong

To Sir With Love-Lulu

Rose Garden-Lynn Anderson

Top of the World-Lynn Anderson

Sex and Candy-Marcy Playground

El Paso-Marty Robbins

Snowball Headed For Hell-Merle Haggard

Flirtin With Disaster-Molly Hatchet

These Boots Were Made for Walking-Nancy Sinatra

99 Luftballoons-Nena

Head Like a Hole-Nine INch Nails

Mr. Bojangles-Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Don't Know Why-Nora Jones

Boyz-n the Hood-Eazy E and NWA

Champagne Supernova-Oasis

Duke of Earl-Gene Chandler

Have You Never Been Mellow-Olivia Newton John

Please Mister Please-Olivia Newton John

Ms. Jackson-Outkast

Shadows of the Night-Pat Benatar

I Fall to Pieces-Patsy Cline

Walking After Midnight-Patsy Cline

Blame it On your Heart-Patti Loveless

Kicks-Paul Revere and the Raiders

This Land is Your Land-Peter,Paul and Mary

Don't Let Me Get Me-Pink

Wynona's Big Brown Beaver-Primus

Erotic City-Prince

Another One Bites the Dust-Queen

Ahab the Arab-Ray Stevens

Everything Is Beautiful-Ray Stevens

Sweet Music Man-Reba McEntire

Dang Me-Roger Miller

Seven Year Ache-Roseanne Cash

Third Rate Romance-Sammy Kershaw

Queen of My Double Wide Trailer-Sammy Kershaw

I want You-Savage Garden

Goodbye to You-Scandal

Shackles-Rjs Latest Arrival

Sugar Walls-Sheena Easton

You'r the Reason God Made Oklahoma-Shelly West and David Frizzell

Walking On the Sun-Smashmouth

Tainted Love-Soft Cell

Afternoon Delight-Starland Vocal Band

Rock This Town-Stray Cats

Sexy and 17-Stray Cats

Stray Cat Strut-Stray Cats

Little Black Backpack-Stroke 9

Don't Let It End-Styx

What's Your Mama's Name Child-Tanya Tucker

Would You Lay With Me in a Field Of Stone-Tanya Tucker

Sixteen Tons-Tennessee Ernie Ford

The Ballad of Davy Crockett-Tennessee Ernie Ford

Somebody's Knockin-Terri Gibbs

You Dropped a Bomb on Me-The Gap Band

Heaven's Just a Sin Away-The Kendalls

Murder by Numbers-The Police

Lump-The Presidents Of the United States Of America

Never Been to Spain- Three Dog Night

Don't Take the Girl-Tim McGraw

Alley Oop-The Hollywood Argyles

Waterfalls-TLC

Mary Jane's Last Dance-Tom Petty

Faster Horses-Tom T Hall

Sneaky Snake-Tom T Hall

I Like Beer-Tom T Hall

Mickey-Toni Basil

Knock Three Times-Tony Orlando

What I've Got-Sublime

That's What I like About You-Trisha Yearwood

Moondance-Van Morrison

Daddy's Hands-Holly Dunn

Let It All Hang Out-Los Hombres

Seether-Verucca Salt

The Night The Lights Went out In Georgia-Vicky Lawrence

Good Hearted Woman-Waylon Jennings

Mamas Don't Let your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys-Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson

Whiskey River-Wille Nelson

Lukenbach,Texas- Waylon and Wille

The Year that Clayton Delaney Died-Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson


My new promise to myself is is to not let fear stop me from doing things that I would like to do.

I AM ME.....HEAR ME ROAR!!!!
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#6
The warm weather lately has gotten me to thinking about my car. Now, any other year, I would not be really thinking about my car at all because I have a convertible and when winter starts loosening its hold my top is ALWAYS down. I just got a brand new top and motor for the top. You would think that I would be able to enjoy having my top down since I should no longer have to do it manually. Alas, the seals on the hydraulic pump thingies are bad and not only can I not use my brand new(lifetime warranties rock) motor to lower my top, I can't do it manually either.*stamps foot and pouts* Money is extremely tight right now. I mean deciding which bill to pay by what you least want turned off kind of tight. It will cost $400 to fix. That means no driving down the road at high speeds with the wind ripping my hair out by the roots and my hearing being irreversibly damaged by the radio being too loud.

I am not a person who loves to drive. I hate to drive and will do almost anything to avoid it. My parents had to force me to get my license. I am a "lil old lady" driver even though I am only 32. That being said, I LOVE to drive my car in the summer time. It is a 1995 teal camaro z28 convertible that I bought as semi-new. The dealer's finance manager's daughter had been driving it and had put about 7,500 miles on it. I have never had a car that I wasn't horsing to get rid of before it was paid for. This car has been paid for for 3 1/2 years. I find it odd that someone who is as uncomfortable driving as I am, loves to drive this car so much. The power it has enthralls me. The purring roar of the engine gives me that melty feeling in my tummy. My husband says that I don't drive it like it was meant to be driven. He tells everyone he knows about my car. He brags about how clean the engine is because of that.

I just wanted to remember my car. I think that that will probably be the purpose of my journal. To document particular things I want to remember.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#7
Remind me that you can only be happy in life if you choose to be. Stop focusing on negative things and surrender to the positive. If you have a moment of true contentment, don't be constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for the bad shit to come your way. You don't have to pay a price for happiness so quit looking for the sales tag.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#8
I want to be the the Wise Woman...the Reverend Mother. The path leading there is hard. I want so much but I also want to not to want. Neediness is a bad thing. I don't know where I learned that but learn it I did. Neediness is only THAT if the person you need from doesn't need you as much. Sometimes I feel the the whole world could return my need and it still wouldn't fill me up. How did I get this way? What wires got crossed that make me feel so different, so isolated from the rest of the population? When is enough finally enough?
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#9
Whew!!! Made it through another spell of neediness. This one was very very nasty. When I get like that, nothing satisfies me. No one in my life cares enough. I think maybe this one was so bad because of the land situation being in limbo. I am not very good at waiting with things all up in the air. We did find out yesterday that the financing did not go through and are now looking for alternative methods. I spoke with the property owner earlier today and he is willing to rent us the place until we get financed. I am pleased. My son has 4 weeks of school left so it will be at least that long before we move. I won't have access to cable or dsl so I will be back on dial-up after 3 years of having high-speed access. Oh well. I guess it will give me an opportunity to work on my patience.

I just read smsj's ACOA trait list. 9*** out of the 14 applied to me and neither of my parents drank when I was growing up. Hmmm, wonder if spending almost 12 years with a controlling, mentally abusive husband(ex now) would cause all that fun stuff.

Ok Aimee happiness time.

having a patient come into my operatory(I am a dental hygienist) who is very nervous and being able to put them at ease enough so I can do my job.

being out on a lake and watching a largemouth bass come crashing out of the water and bite my lure.

when my son hugs me for no apparent reason.

"spooning" with my husband every single night because he loves to snuggle

the softness of the air just before or after a spring rain. It feels like it is caressing your skin.

watching my cats creep through tall grass and suddenly pounce on an unseen critter.

singing along with the radio

***EDIT to change 5 out of the 14 ACOA traits to 9 out of the 14. Silly me didn't proofread the post.
 
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coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#10
Thought of a few more things....

glittery shiny sparkly things.

painting my fingernails with different little designs according to my mood or the season...an american flag, candy cane stripes, my fave college football team's logo.

finding an unusual or pretty rock.

crawling into bed freshly showered on laundry day when all the blankets and comforters have been dried outside.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#11
Well the past 6 weeks have been trying to say the least. I finally have internet access at my new home so let me update just a lil bit.

We have moved but I don't feel like we are living here yet because we have spent the last 6 weeks staying at least 3 nights per week in our old town because of my job. I feel strung out to hell and back.

I was so excited to finally be becoming a landowner that I didn't anticipate the downside. We are 1 1/2-2 hours away from all friends and family. IT IS LONESOME. Having lived in the same area for all of my life, I really don't know how to meet people. We moved from a place that was 15 minutes from a large city to a place that is 40 minutes away from a small city. Now don't get me wrong, I love the country life but I like city people. We need to find some more transplants to get to know.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and suffered sticker shock at the prices and the selection was terrible. Anyway, before I made it halfway down the produce aisle, this elderly man struck up a conversation with me. He talked for at least 20 minutes. I just listened. He seemed so lonely. I now know the following facts about him: He is a widower with 2 daughters, both of which are of retirement age, he was an engineer and had his own business as well as worked for the phone company before he retired, it is cheaper for him to eat out than to cook because it is so hard to cook for just one, he likes bananas because not only are they good for you, they keep mosquitoes away(never heard that one), he found 3 dead blue jays in his backyard and one tested positive for west nile, his brother came to visit and not too long after that was taken to the hospital in a coma from the west nile virus, the same brother is almost the same age as one of his daughters and she takes care of him, his late wife's dentist has very nice home and 3 dobermans, the same dentist also has a son who rides a motorcycle. anyway you see what I mean. I am glad I took the time to listen to him.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#12
I have a working interview tomorrow. I am in sore need of a pep talk. I am so very nervous. The practice has three dentists and I will be the 4th hygienist. I much prefer a smaller office but beggars can't be choosers. I keep telling myself that my prior experiences with larger practices don't apply to this one because these are different people and I am a different person now. The job market is different here than in was in my old city. I am not used to having to compete for a job, much less a job with a significantly lower salary. I love my profession and am very good with patient care, it is all the other bullshit that I just don't get. I think there are like 19 staff members in the office. Definitely intimidating to me. I am seriously considering hiding the fact that I smoke. I get so tired of the shocked looks and little snide comments. I just wanna be me instead of MS. PROFESSIONAL HYGIENIST. One cool thing is that one of the Drs. and a patient facilitator(their term for receptionist) are fellow lefties. When you're left-handed in the dental world, you learn flexibilty. I have worked in some offices where I felt like I almost had to stand on my head in order reach my patient and my instruments. It still suprises me after 11 years how many patients notice that I am on the "wrong" side of them while I am cleaning their teeth. They say it with amazement in their voices.

On an unrelated note, I was thinking the other day about how my experience with people has led me to believe that lots and lots of them just talk to hear themselves. I think they don't even realize half of what they are saying sometimes much less remember things they tell you. I am the total opposite. I don't talk incessantly but what I do say I mean and will remember. I will remember what you say as well. I have learned not to be so hurt when other people don't. I take things much more seriously than I should sometimes. I am intense I guess. When I like you I really like you and when I don't, well I reaalllly don't. I don't really have any close friends outside of my husband and his friends and family. My expectations are usually too high. I need a close girl friend but I don't wanna talk about what's on sale at the local dept. store this week, or gossip about who's doing what with who they shouldn't be doing it with. I need a female connection. Someone to have intelligent conversations with, someone who loves to read as much as I do and won't think I am weird for it. I want to discuss philosophy and religion and science and nature and emotions. Someone to discuss the "whys" behind things. I don't much care about the "hows" or the results but the "whys" fascinate me to no end. Don't get me wrong, my husband is great and we have wonderful "up til all hours" talks but he is a man and they don't usually tend to care about the "whys" in a situation.

Wish me luck with my interview!!!
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#13
Sorry about this post but I was catching up on the journals and found out that I missed the cool survey thingy by L D and also had to comment on Burns things men like list.


1. What’s yer name? I don't want to say my real name but I like it
2. What do you wish your name was? I like my name
3. How old are ya? 32
4. Where, and in what type of housing, do you live? in the south on a 63 acres
5. If you have any post high-school education, what was your area of study? bachelor of science in dental hygiene
6. Does your current job have anything to do with the above? yes
7. What did you want to be when “you grew up?” dental hygienist, librarian, hair stylist
8. Are you gay/bi or have you ever “experimented?” experimental(bi who is married to a man and very committed)
9. Do people routinely think you are gay, even if you’re not? no
10. Got any kids? If so, which is your favorite and why? one
11. Do you like being naked? sometimes
12. What drugs have you done (if any)? Which was your favorite and why? pot
13. What medications (if any) are you currently taking and why? none
14. What is your favorite beer? most all
15. What is your favorite chick drink? white russian but only right before bed
16. When is the last time you screamed all horror-movie or girly-like? dunno, prolly about a spider though
17. Which celebrity do you wish you were? hmm........... Madonna
18. If you were a Full House character, who would you be? have no clue
19. Did you actually like high school? only my senior year
20. What is the coolest place you’ve ever been? a "faery glen" on the Isle of Skye in Scotland
21. Who or what makes you weak in the knees? my husband
22. What makes you weird? what doesn't?
23. What is the thing you most regret ever paying for? lots
24. What food makes you want to vomit all over the place? I like most foods
25. What brand of shampoo do you use? moisturizing(any salon brand)
26. What thing are you most afraid of? the unknown
27. How old do you think you will be when you die, and why? no clue and hope it remains so
28. If someone killed your entire family, would you want them to die? And if so, die by what method? yes, a slow tortuous(sp) death lasting at least a decade. I have to live with the loss for a lifetime why shouldn't they suffer as well
29. What kind of undies are you currently wearing, including color? black thongs
30. How old were you when you first had sex? 15
31. Have you ever had a one-night stand? And not regretted it? yes, once

WOMEN ONLY
32. Do you think I’m hot? sometimes
33. Do you think men should be allowed to wear Speedos? NEVER EVER!!!!!!
34. Do you think penises (penii?) are ugly? for the most part
35. What is your favorite feature or body part on the opposite sex? muscular forearms and the inner wrist. also a nice round ass
36. Do you think men in uniform are sexy? If so, which “uniform” is sexiest? not any sexier than civvies
37. Do you own a vibrator? not currently but I have

MEN ONLY
38. Do you think I’m hot?
39. Do you think vaginas are ugly?
40. What is your favorite feature or body part on the opposite sex?
41. Would you ever (or have you ever) date a stripper?
42. Do you honestly think bodily functions such as farting and burping are hilarious?

And finally, for EVERYONE…
43. Wasn’t this quiz SO much better than those normal “favorite food” and “favorite number” stupid fucking quizzes? infinitely so


Breasts LIKE
Sheds DON"T CARE
Sport LIKE BUT NOT BASEBALL OR RACING
Tools LIKE(WANT MY OWN WOODSHOP)
Grease LIKE
Electrical Equipment DON"T CARE UNLESS RELATED TO GADGETS
Gadgets LOVE
CDs LOVE
Toys LIKE
Miniskirts LIKE
Beer LOVE
Play fighting LIKE
Violent films LIKE
Porn LIKE
Nicknames LIKE
Pizza LIKE
Microwaves VERY FOND OF
Computer games LIKE
Scalectrix NEVER HEARD OF
Pool LIKE BUT SUCK AT
See through tops LIKE
‘finding out how things work’ (i.e. breaking things open) LIKE
dogs LIKE
driving too fast LIKE
swearing DO ENTIRELY TOO MUCH..MUTHA FUCKA IS MY CURRENT FAVE

It's so goood to be back. I missed reading about all y'all and your lives.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#14
ARRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!

that's all I have to say. I didn't get the job. That sucks. My marriage is is really bad right now. I love him with all my heart but we are both stressed to to no end about financial matters and it is bleeding into everything else. We are drinking too much. He is allowed to yell and vent and call me an idiot but if I vent I am being a stupid emotional bitch. It is somehow ok for him to blow up at me for whatever he feels is wrong in life but not vice versa. Is it that way for everyone? .. I am not sure I want the answer to that because life without the joy he brings most of the time would not be much of a life at all. Is it just me that feels that others feelings have precedence over mine? I feel persecuted and am being told I have no right to feel that way. I HATE being a woman. Never felt that way before and it hurts. I used to want to have little girl so bad, now I am not sure at all that want to bring another female into this world. What is wrong with me?!!?? Am I not capable of rational thought because of my gender? I know that is not true so does that mean that it is just me? My ideas make perfect sense to me but I feel like a whiny bitch when I vocalize. Am I supposed to ignore all my feelings? I don't get it. I think I missed out on reading the rulebook of life.

I need some support or advice please help me I am at my wits end.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#16
I have not adjusted well to having dial-up internet access after having a cable modem for 2+ years. Not liking it at all. Hence, my absence from my beloved forum. I am sooooo behind with everyone's journals.

I just got a couple of boxes of paperback books from my husband's late grandfather's estate. Very exciting for me since I go through about 2 or 3 books a week when I am in reading mode. It is hard to keep up with my demand for new reading material.(Reading mode is another reason I am behind, since once I pick up a book, I don't want to put it down til I am finished). Read an eye-opening novel about the male-female roles in a relationship. It was written from the feminine perspective but included the male's as well. Very painful read. I look around me and see these patterns that most seem to follow(me included) and wonder maybe it should be this way and it is the fighting of it that causes the pain. My mother-in-law says that you have to find your role in life and play it out. This woman is the only person I have ever come close to calling a mentor in my life. She is one of the strongest people I know. She raised 3 children on her own(Dad couldn't handle kids or his societally defined role and disappeared when the eldest was 9 years old) I think what she is saying is that you have to decide to be content and that brings happiness. There are these moments when I can't believe my good fortune. I am loved and love in return in volumes that I can't even begin to describe. Sometimes I wish I was less intelligent than I am. I know that sounds crazy but ignorance is bliss or so they say. My nature is to question everything and even then I have to be SHOWN. I am trusting of people and suspicious of their words. I am one of those people who, if shown love and affection and respect, will give back 110% of what I am given. That makes me easily taken advantage of. Those people who are harder than me tend to view me as child-like but I wouldn't change the joy that I have experienced because of who I am even if it took away the pain when people don't live up to my expectations. One of the things that I love about my husband is that he is who he is and has never made any pretensions otherwise. How can someone be so selfish(not to be confused with self-centered) and so loving and affectionate at the same time? I want to say he makes me feel like a queen but yet that is not it. I know he loves me even when I am at my worst. He accepts me for who I am. NEVER NEVER EVER had that before. He loves me when I am bitchy, he loves me when I am sweet. He loves me when I have to wear my "fat clothes". He loves me when I am an emotional wreck. He loves when I am wise. He loves me when I am angry even with him. But at the same time he doesn't take any shit. We are so lucky to have met each other.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#17
Laughter...floating on clouds


falling from the sky....

heady rush of excitement.


Contentment,


plateau of happiness. Then...


feeling empty.


Bottomless fall.

Screaming, fading, sinking....

Into nothing.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#18
Had a pretty rough winter, wasn't prepared for country life. Spring is starting to show and life is looking much better. I usually coast through all seasons, pretty much liking each one for different reasons. Not this year. We had lots of rain and cold and I couldn't be outside as much as I like. Our yard was a swamp much of the time and my floors suffered tremendously. Between 2 dogs, 2 cats, our son, us and various houseguests, my white kitchen floor started resembling the mudhole at the edge of our driveway. Needless to say, I have started a "new floor covering fund".

We also lost 2 of our 6 goats this winter. Apparently we fed them too regularly with a food mix that has too much grain. Ironically, they acted and looked as if they were starving so we fed them more. It has something to do with the way their digestive system works. That was a lesson learned the hard way. On a happier note, one of the nanny goats is very, very pregnant. I am so looking forward to having the lil ones here. Goats are such fun animals to watch. Healthy, happy goats are playful curious creatures. Not to mention cute as hell. Our goats love tortilla chips. One in particular will try to climb up you to get to them. Every time we are outside, they think we have treats for them. They nibble on your hands. Goats don't have any upper front teeth. They have a hard dental pad. So normally it doesn't hurt when one manages to get your finger but if they get really carried away, they can chomp down hard. Enough about the goats for now.

My big hairy tomcat(who is going to be neutered very soon) had taken to going off for 4 or 5 days at a time. This last time he came back and was favoring his right front paw. I thought mmm hmm got in a lil tussle didn't ya. Well he stayed in the house constantly for a couple of weeks and his foot swelled up and one day it started bleeding. I finally figured out that he had been bitten by a snake when the fur on that paw started falling out and lo and behold there were fang marks. I bet he resists the urge to bat at any snakes he comes across for awhile.

I am so looking forward to some heavy duty springtime bass fishing. I need to take a special shopping trip to restock my tacklebox very soon. There is nothing like getting up before daylight and dressing in layers that you look forward to peeling off as the sun gets hot. Smelling that early morning water smell that only happens in springtime. Hearing the water slap against the hull of the boat as you make your way to the first spot of the day. Going back to the house for a big late breakfast of bacon, eggs, biscuits, and sliced tomatoes. Taking a nap, then going back out again. Hoping that around the next point will be the grandaddy of all largemouth bass just waiting for your lure and yours alone. Popping the top of an ice cold beer. Lighting a cigarette and then getting tangled up. What good timing...now to use my cigarette to burn the excess line from the knot I tied. Splash, tug!! Oh my! I've got one. The delicate dance performed while trying to extricate 2 treble hooks from the mouth of a very wriggly, very slippery fish without getting hooked myself. Good, now at the end of the day, my skin will have that warm sunshiney smell combined with the slight odor of fish and I will know that life is good. Did I mention that I love to fish :inlove:
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#19
My goats have run away :mope: We now have a new dog. He wandered here last Wednesday. He seems very smart but he wanted to play with the goats and wouldn't take no for an answer. They stood it for 2 days and then they disappeared. I miss my goats. My son had named one of the males "Courage the Cowardly Goat" in honor of the cartoon "Courage the Cowardly Dog". He was a spunky critter. Not too long after we got him, his eyes turned completely white and he was blind. I called the vet and he said to get him this antibitotic used for when cows have mastitis. I nursed him back to health and after he could see again he really started thriving. Anyway when this new dog was wanting to "play", Courage would get on the deck and stomp his front feet at him. I just thought that was so funny. He also got a few good head butts in on the dog. I rode around our property on our 4-wheeler calling and looking for them but they are nowhere to be found. I am so sad.
 

coolbreeze

DRAMAQUEENEXTRAORDINAIRE
#20
Well, it has happened. I am hooked again. After a long break, I find myself coming back here several times a day to see if any of my favorite journals have been updated and when updates are slow in coming, I start reading ones that I haven't gotten around to yet. I have missed y'all tremendously. I got caught up with Tango and her journal started a chain reaction by getting me interested in the happenings in Chelle's journal. So I read it from start to finish. I should have been doing housework...bleh! Now I will be behind and have to bust my ass on Thursday. I wish I was one of those people who like cleaning. When I clean, I tend to do "spring cleaning". I get frustrated when I get things all sparkly and shiny clean and then 1 hour later they are dirty again. What's the point?

There are lots of things that I want to write about but I am afraid to because of my ex-husband. I think that it is unlikely he would be here reading these journals, much less pick mine to read but you never know and I get paranoid at times. He and I have a son together and from past experiences when we were married, I have no doubt that he would use any excuse whatsoever to try and gain custody of him. He is a sick, sick bastard but he is very good at fooling people into thinking that he is a good person. He once told my son something that made him scared that I was going to die. This was not too long after our divorce. He and his family always try to undermine my relationship with my son. I have no proof but I just KNOW. I try so hard not to let my animosity towards him show in front of my son. He tells my son things(lies) about our marriage that are inappropriate. The only thing I know to tell my son is that one day I will be able to tell him the truth but right now he is too young to understand. I try to do the right thing but it sometimes seems as if that gets you nowhere fast. My ex does whatever he wants and gets away with it. He is evil and I wish he would die. I feel very bad about wishing that but I do.
 
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