demons, bitches, angels, and goddesses

[jonas1812]

I've lost everything

every scrap of thing that has any sentimental value to me
is gone.

it hurts like hell because I lost the things that Krissy gave me
that I loved so very much, and some of the things that Ally
gave me as well.

I want it back...
but I guess I'll never see any of it again.

on top of that I'm starting to get really homesick
the pain of existance on this russ forsaken county
is almost too much to bear.

but in spite of all of that I'm dealing whith it rather well.

just thought you'd like to know.

r

 

[jonas1812]

tall, dark, different

sorry...
it has been a while since I last made an entry.

but I lost my internet connection untill monday.

shitloads of things have happened since then.

1) Domino confronted me about the fact that I was acting cold to her,
and about the fact that I was dead inside and that all anyone could
see in me was my torment,
she told me that I should let it all go.
Gary asked me if I wanted to wrestle whith him and I said yes.

in one simple violent act I released everything...
all my torment and pain upon the person I hate...
and I hurt him.

2) Gary fucked one of my roommates best freinds...
expecting her to want to kill him he hid in his room.
when she(room mate) got home whith her best freind
she was happy and bubbly and not wanting to crucify gary.
and my head is left spining because of this...
both mine and Domino's...
it feels to me like its all going to explode in one horrible ball of emotion...
I hate the fact that I have been right about these feelings I get so far.

3) I found out that my ex's first love is
proving himself to be more and more of
a complete asshole, and I am not supprised at this.

today has been very slow and easy going...
its kinda disturbing considering the drama of last night.

Domino...
I can empathise your wanting to kill Gary
I wanted his death ever since Krystal
told me about him fucking her
when he was whith Jess.

g'night

r

 

[jonas1812]

antihero?

sometimes I think I am an antihero in life...

I waltz in all freindly like, and through
mistakes and intentional 'damage'
I show people the quality of their lives...

or at least thats the way it used to be...

lately I have been just a leech, a parasite...
but now it seems as though there is no choice
but to go back to my antiheroistic ways.

time to do some more back handed good...

mostly for Gary...
he desperately needs to know the
value of other people's hearts...

and I know exactly how I am going to show him.

r

 

[jonas1812]

freya

I got adopted my a small black cat tonight.

she followed me all the way to sheetz and back.

so I started to call her freya.

gonna ask the landlord if he could hold onto her
for me untill I can get my parents house.

r

 

[jonas1812]

ouch

again the pain returns...

I never wanted this life
or to feel this lonely all the fucking time.

if I had never left the place where I belonged...
had stayed in canberra...

I wouldnt be this way.

I still love Krissy whith everything that I am...
but I love Ally that way too...

I could never love anyone else that much...
its too hard and it hurts too much when I lose them...

how could I love somone else that way knowing that
at anytime one of us would do something that would
ruin things completely.

r

 

[jonas1812]

journal

the one downside to these journals is
the fact that a person could choose to
be completely annonamous. granted
thats not entirely a bad thing but at the
same time I ran into a situation that it
would have been usefull to be able to
email somone from a journal I've found here.

the journal is called
'just stumbled in here I think I might stay for a while'
its by lakambini for some reaon I thought it might be one of my ex's
probably the style of writing...

so lakambini if you read my journal and are who I think ou are:
I think I am begining to understand now the time has passedand all that
but remember I'll never stop loving you nor could I love anyone else near
as much as you.

if youre not who I think you are feel free to make fun of me or call me an asshole or whatever .

r

 

[jonas1812]

moron

I'm a complete moron...

I knew that reading her emails was going to
make me get really depressed, and yet still I did it...

and on top of that I sent her an email that
I would probably not get a favorable* reply
from if any replay at all.

all I want is to get her back because I know
now that no one is going to come even close
to her...

there's always going to be some catch
unless I end up somone elses first love
and even then there will be because she
wouldnt be my first love and thus not
good enough.

I am a pessomist
and proud to be one
I am also a fucking moron
and I'm not so proud of that one
because I let my dick do the thinking once in my life
and I'm still picking up the peices of my shattered heart
and life.

r

 

[jonas1812]

clarity

there are somethings that I need to make absolutely clear...

1) I am not a sex feind, yeah
I did prety much said that I
missed it in an earlier post but to be honest...
I dont.

whatI do miss is the closeness of lying
next to somone who loves me
whether there are clothes involved or not(sometimes preferably not).

2) I may not regret what I did, but I do hate the fact that I did it...
I mention it in this journal as a grim reminder that I really fucked
my life up as well as somone elses and hat what I did was flat out wrong.

3) regardless of how interested in somone I am I know that what I
truley want is to be whith Krissy again...
for her to want me and have me and to move on together
not as if nothing ever happened but as though we are starting over.
I still love her more than I could possibly love anyone else.

I just needed to clear those things up for an old freind of mine.

you may continue whith your lives.

r

 

[jonas1812]

B-day

yesterday was the anniversary of my first day of existance
outside of the womb.

I came home at 12 am to find out that my pc was beinmg a bitch and not accepting my mouse...

I went online (whithout the assistance on a mouse) to check email
and I found out that I got sent an email virus.

then I pretymuch lsept the day away because I didnt want to deal whith it.

woke to find that my pc spawned a new optical mouse(thanks guys).

and then 'round 10ish Domino dropped my and we hung arround dennys for about an houur and a half.

so I guess I broke even.

so happy birthday to me.

R

 

[jonas1812]

e-mails and things unsaid

I really dont know where to start...

I got a coupla emails from Krissy recently...

the first one had an 'irritated at somone who hurt me' tone

and the one after that had more of a
'take care of yourself because I still love you' tone.

at least thats my perspective in those.

I wish I knew what to say or do to earn her trust again...
or to have her even consider taking me back.

there are some things that I still need to say
that still need doing as well.

I would make good on every promise I have ever made
to her if she would only ask.

when read the words 'distant future' I instantly
thought that it was going to be when I was 40 years old...
the future doesnt exist for me...
only today.

I'm gonna quit smoking when I get to seattle.

I wish I could talk to her...
so that I could at least help her understand
that all I want is to be whith her again...
that I would do anything to get to that point...
and that I am truley sorry for what I did to her
and for not chosing the right path 6 months ago.

angel if youre reading this
I know you dont like it when I call you that anymore
but everything behind it is true especially the love.
I still love you very much.

r

 

[jonas1812]

writing

I'm going to start writing an email to my former angel...
I'm not going to send it untill I have evrything that I want to say in it.

I dont know if it would help or hurt but I also know
that it would be a worse idea not to do it.

wish me luck guys.

r

 

[jonas1812]

bye

this is going to be my last post on this journal...

I have started a new one somewhere else arround here under my other
username.

things have gotten better and worse at the same time.
I realise that I am still somewhat torn but in different
ways and not to the same degree as before...

before what you ask?

I really dont know.

I'm leaving for seattle in october
and I dont intend on coming back here too terribly soon.

joe and graci are leaving soon and I dont really like it too much
but I guess its time for everyone to move on.

even me.

see ya'll

R