demons, bitches, angels, and goddesses

[jonas1812]

perpetual slacker

I have been slacking off whith this journal a fair bit lately...

here's an update for you happy people:

last night I finished training for my new job,
I'm an auditor for RGIS inventory specialists...
its kinda redundant considering the last 2
words in that anagram are inventory and
specialists.
but anyway they taught me how
to count shit *whoopee*.

as of the end os today it is the fifth
and thuss 2 days closer to the seventh...
for the first time since febuairy the 7th is
a good day, because Domino gets back
and we would get to do that spending
time together thing that close freinds usually do.
I miss her alot, so yeah I'm definetly looking
forward to the days following the seventh.

I am sitting here listening to my music
and it seems as though winamp prefers
the 't' section preferably Tool *blimks*odd.

sorry folks I cant think of anything else much.
I cant stop thinking about her seeing her
again and hearing her voice...
yeah I miss her
and mabey I'm slightly obsessed...
but I know what it is
and I'm not going to share so

thankyou have a great very early morning.

r

 

[jonas1812]

nice

she kisses me often
enjoys being stroked
and purrs whith my touch...

the is not what my sanity or happiness hinges on
she is however inportant to me
and I love her very much

now dammit spunky
let me have my bed back

*shakes head*
cats

r

 

[jonas1812]

burnt out

we've been role playing almost every night for the past few weeks
and framkly I am burnt outI wanna try something different mabey
a different game or mabey study humans a little more or write in
my book.

just anything but vampire for a while...

or at least the current chronicle...

the thing is, it's become too much of a power game for my taste...

Malik has been creating an army
and everyone else is following his lead.

I want to bring in an army of demons
and wipe them the fuck out...
but the story teller might not agree whith that.

anyway I'm going to go back to my surfing.

see ya next time

R

 

[jonas1812]

hello

I saw her smile today and I felt something inside of me die
and it wasnt the bad kind of somehitng
it was the kind of something that hurts more than it helps
and losing it is a good thing.

I can feel the beast getting weaker
I think it is dying
not fading
or submiting
truley dying.

R

 

[jonas1812]

jealousy

I hate it

I loathe it

especially in myself
when there is also a little voice in my head
telling me that I have no right to be jealous.

last night my roommate spent all
night talking to my best freind...

it tore me apart inside
being jealous of him
but at the same time
knowing that she has a boyfreind
made me feel like I had no right to be jealous.

I hate being human sometimes

I hate being me even more
it used to be that I would be straight
forward about shit like this...

but again it feels like I have no
right to tell either of them that
this hurts me...

the damage is begining to show itself more and more

I hate it

r

p.s. those of you who I know that read this
I'm just having a realy shity day.

 

[jonas1812]

cold

I didnt want to be this way
there is a seeming lack of emotion
as if I had become cold.

its not that I'm just unshure
of how I am supposed to act...

she is my best freind
and at the same time
somone I love very much...
also quite unavailable to me.

I know that she reads this
but I am going to try to
explain all this to her face...

I have the incubus song stellar playing
on my computer
yeah she is.

next is the song echo
'could you show me dear
somehting I've not seen
something infinately interesting'...
she is this to me...

but I couldnt ask her to
leave her guy for me
I did that to my first love
left her for somone else
it still hurts a little.

...

why does my life have to be so complicated
especially when it comes to the women I fall for.

r

 

[jonas1812]

um... yeah

I dont know what it really is
but this is how it feels to me...

my worst problems are the fact that I hope too much
and thus set myself up for more 'damage'
and the fact that the only time I'm good
whith words is when I write emails or in this journal anymore.

I managed to break my one rule to never fall in love whith my female
freinds I have that rule because I have a tendancy to loose my female
freinds that way.

I dont want to loose her
and I know I wont...

its just the fact that I have fallen prety bad
and I have both every idea and absolutely no idea
of where I stand...

its like that...

r

 

[jonas1812]

no(this is my depressed rambling)

no light
no end
no more releif
no end to the battle
no hope
no Russ

I feel like there is no me
like I'm only a physical list
of side efects and residual pain
from the things I've been through.

the passiveness is from my dad emotionally ripping me apart
the fear and paranoia when it comes to the whole falling in love
thing 'hails' from the whole ordeal whith Krissy and Ally...
the lack of memory is from a head injury I had in the ninth grade
and also form Krissy and Ally I have a love hate relationship
whith truth...

I guess my problem is simple lonliness
but so long as I am alive I'll be alone.

I might have mistaken one thing for annother
but I had the one thing I still have it
this is something entirely new to me
and at the same time all too familiar.

I should never have told her how I felt
I hate the fact that there is a big chance
that my love will never be returned in the
same way it is given...

I'm going to go get a sandwich

R

 

[jonas1812]

why?

the universal question

why is it that when I an depressed I miss home more...
why is it that that leads to me pining for 'her'...
why is my life so fucked up...
why is it that I cant find what I'm looking for where I am
when it always happens to be somewhere else?
why didnt I have that sandwich?

that last one I can answer
because I had a bowl of cereal instead...

its always like this

I get so depressed and I want to be complete even more
and the place where I felt most complete was australia...
and the person I was most complete whith was Krissy...

I dont fall in love easilly
but when I do its
usually hard fast
and quite dangerous

I thought no one could even come
close to completing me like that
or I could complete somone else in the same way...
now I have found a freind whith whom I can see
the definate possability for more than just that...
but its all so very much out of my reach...

*shakes head*

it is actually starting to feel
like there is nothing here for me anymore
and that I have to 'move on'

the wanderlust is going to set in at the end of augest
but before that the depression is going to get prety bad
at least thats the way it looks...

R

 

[jonas1812]

clear

I feel prety good today
I've been depressed for the past three.

I can feel something pulling at me
leading me west
like I have to go there for something

so

I think I'll pay some debts off

and then get my ass out there.

that would be nice.

R

 

[jonas1812]

bar, freinds, red, and cereal

I went to a bar whith freinds
had a few drinks
went to annother bar met up whith my freind Red
who smokes marlbro reds, had red hair, and works
at dennys where he wears a red shirt
scavenged a coupla smokes off of him
danced a bit
and went home and ate a bowl of cereal.

my night was complete
now its time to go to sleep so that I can work in the morning...

r

 

[jonas1812]

my evil male shovonistic rant

first of all I would like to say that I am not a shovonist
I actually practice my own style of chivalry at times
(not the whole rape and pillaging and torture that
chivalry was back in its true day)...
I am a decent guy who cares as much as he thinks...
too much.


on to the rant

at work today I went out for my first smoke break
whith one of the supervisors
she started talking about her boyfreind as
if she thought I was interested in her or even
wanted to know about that...
I mean granted she is rather decent looking
(no visable scars and all that) and she is prety smart
but I didnt want to hear her go on and on seeming
to complain about his love for the guitar...
now I think guitars are prety cool
one of my best freinds used to play the
guitar for the band we were in, but if youre going to
complain then complain to him and not me.

then theres this thing that some women do...
note that I said SOME not all of them only
ones that I have been whith that try to tell
you that their not interested without hurting you...
if any of you are female and do this...
fucking stop it it hurts more than a simple "I'm not interested"
this one chick(yes I said chick) got my hopes up so high
and then crushed them 3 times by doing just that...
now normally I am not one to hold a grudge but
thats something that I just wont forgive
if youre not interested then tell us flat out.

last point...
and this is something that scares the shit out of me...
I see decent women with complete assholes because they love them
well...
that may be true but are you in love whith them?
a freind of mine is whith a guy that is totally cold to her
and he would beat her if she would let him he even has
on occasion and yet she stays whith him because she loves
him and hopes that he might go back to the person he was
when they first met...
the worst part is that fact that she seems to blame
herself for the change...
as if she made the asshole he has become...
some guys are actually that way naturaly
its a cycle a person will give what he got as a child
whether its beating or coldness or affection
a person is taught how how to relate to cetain
stimuli growing up.

all apologies for any offenses
but these are my opinions on some women
I know that there are decent ones out there
but they are all taken
I know that my 'rib'(yes I am making a bible reference)
is out there somewhere I just need to find her.

r

 

[jonas1812]

thomas carter

this drunken fool kinda dropped straight into my life tonight...
I dont exactly know where to place him...
personaly I think he's a decent guy who sometimes
needs to 'behave my goddamned self'...
I have a picture of him whith harrison ford
durring the filming of witness.

a momentous change in my life>

nah not really
I might have annother job
I might end up in a band again(yeah right)
or I might just stick arround here for a while
and then move to seattle sometime by the end of
september.

r

 

[jonas1812]

this is my life

I am searching for something
I dont mean this in the metaphorical sense
I am looking for a group of people who play a game.

I am also looking in the metaphorical sense..
but I dont know what for anymore

it started 7 years ago
when I realised how incomplete I was
realised that I needed somone...
I latched onto somone
obsessing over her I thought it was love
it was just close freinds taken the wrong way.
then I found krissy, she was
everything I never knew I was looking for
playfull, catlike, angelic...
I could overlook every one of her flaws
because it was the flaws I loved...
then I fucked her over because of Ally
she was me but female
playfull, calike, but demonic
I loved her as much as I loved Krissy
and I thought that that was it
I was entranced, enchanted, but I wasnt inspired
or motivated except to hold onto her as tightly as I could.
she broke my heart when I turned out
to be somone that to her I wasn't

the problem is the fact that I have nothing now
I have my freinds and my cat
but the cat has seen fit to take up my whole bed.
and my freinds are rarely arround anymore.

I am now driven by an unseen force
one that wants me to go to washington...

I look forward to the going
but I also dread it because I'll
probably never be able to get
in touch whith anyone ponce I get there.
jess'll kick my ass if I dont at least write to her
she feels that there is something unfinished between her and I...
I've felt the same way about the girl who broke my heart,
so I dont trust those feelings,
but to be honest I feel the same thing about jess...
just I dont exactly have a good feeling about it.

I dont know exactly why I am sitting here
I feel lethargic, depressed? tired?
I dont know.

I feel as though there have been more downs than ups since Ally
like since her my life has been a constant downward spiral
as though I am being flushed down life's
little toilet of depression and despair.

the person who said that
'it is better to have loved and lost' bullshit
has never loved and then lost...
it hurts like hell
and it hasnt stopped hurting.
I'm not going to throw myself into that cycle again
I am not going to become the depressed wrek I was then...
I'm not saying that I am a depressed wrek now
I'm just a different sort of depressed wrek.

all of my pain focusses on one thing
what I did to Krissy
yeah I live in the past
but thats when I'm depressed.

r

 

[jonas1812]

lost

why does it feel as though I have always lost.

the women I love are so far out of my reach...

Krissy doesnt speak to me

Ally is too far away whith somone who doesnt deserve her...

and domino...

*shrugs* I dont really know

it may be the way I thought it was

and then it may not

I wont know untill I see her again after staurday.

Ally is happy but in finding this out
I have also learned that she seems
to have thrown herself back into the
spiral that would destroy her...

if I am right...
I hope it never works out.

r

 

[jonas1812]

well...

the depression is over for now

it kinda got killed by a joke that gary made.

I sometimes missunderstand things
read a freinds aim profile and kinda got things a little mixed up
assumed the worst and all that
it felt like all my fighting to save herwas for nothing.

I must remember that nithing is as it seems...
and that I should lok at everything whith a grain of scepticism.

night all

r

 

[jonas1812]

more than you are

its a song by an australian band called grindspoon.

I have no idea what its about
but its a cool song.

I'm feeling prety good again
yeah the bad times come in waves.

any ways
back to my mindless rambling.

that happiness thing isnt as
hard to find as I used to think
prety hard to hold onto though.

if you find happiness
hold onto it as tightly as possible
just dont strangle the life out of it.

r

 

[jonas1812]

please...

somone put me out of my misery
so I dont have to deal whith all this love shit.

my heart is fractured
split 3 ways

part goes north whith familiarity,
things known and love gone wrong.

part goes far east, more familiarity
but also hurts that I've caused and a freind I've lost.

part goes south...
to unknown, though it looks as
though in that direction I could
become whole.

I hate it all
I want to be numb so that...
I couldnt love anymore
noone could make me happy
or get my hopes up, or crush them...
or make me cry...
or break me, then break me even more
by trying to fix me...
so that I cant hurt anyone anymore.

there have been only 3 people who could complete me
one of which is so strong that right now we are only freinds
and if that's all we end up being I could be happy...

Krissy
Ally
and Domino...

Jess and gary broke up...
he cheated on her whith his x...

I can see in her eyes that she wishes she had never left me...

I wish I felt the same way about her as I do Ally Krissy and Domino...
then I could be whith her again
and I wouldnt feel like I am sacrificing parts of myself.

I hate being fractured.

r

 

[jonas1812]

hollow, empty, alone...

why is it that everything I do has such dire consequences.
its as by breathing I am violating some unwriten law that states that violators lives shal be fucked up from birth...
you can take a look at my 'navel' and
see how that can be true...

today I feel nothing
tomorrow I might feel incredible pain...
or mabey just more nothing.

r

 

[jonas1812]

mood: prety fuckinn' happy

I worked in the morning
and went out to orpheus that night.

6 'kids' in a van whith only 4 seats
cruising at top speed and sipping on sambuka
all the way there...

dangerous right?

not really.

again the night was incredible
except for the fact that red
brought his x (who is the jealous type)
along for the ride which also brought a
shitload of drama as well
especially when she saw
red talking to one of his other x'es...

I was reminded of why I dont like getting into relationships.

other than that the night was in-fucking-credible
I danced prety much all night ang I almost got
picked by this cute chick wearing cat ears and a tail...

if only I had put an add in the gothic personals.

r