demons, bitches, angels, and goddesses

[jonas1812]

sleep depin'

I am currently undergoing sleep deprivation
and I am also going insane and it is all voluntary.

I hate being able to see almost every possability
good and bad...
because when I call it how I see it
and shit goes sour people look at me
and ask what the hell happened...
hell I look at me and ask what the hell happened.

as far as domino
I see that stuff is going to happen
that I realy like her
and the future...
I dont want to know.

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[jonas1812]

hehe

I spent yesterday whith domino...
aside from starting out whith no real goal or plan ir direction
it was prety cool...

scratch that

it was fucking awesome.
which makes me want to know where I can find this 'awesome'.

the fact of the matter is she makes me happy
and I dont know why...
I only met her 3 days ago.

what I know of her I like
and as far as I know she
can say the same about me.

but I think considering my last two relationships
I am going to take this one slow.

I am starting to get adjusted to this happiness thing again
I have been depressed for the past 2 months
and I am sick of it.

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[jonas1812]

burned

I went to work on friday
it was mostley yard work because there wasnt
any place in need of wallpapering.

but anyway I made the mistake of taking my shirt off
it was an overcast day so I thought that I wouldnt get burned
but I did...
my back is officialy a perfect place to hide a lobster
or mabey a stripe of red paint.

domino leaves to go to georgia for 3 weeks tonight
I'm not stressed about it I'm more looking forward to
seeing her when she gets backso I can give her a hug
and tell her I missed her...
because I will.

in the meantime
I have the cat to distract me
and my freinds to entertain me
and soon a job to keepme busy as well.

but I'm still kinda sad about my freind going away.

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[jonas1812]

Krystal

I hate this
I am finaly happy
and I am ptoentially going to lose a freind tonight.

she came in and we talked for a bit

I asked her what was wrong

the couple in her bedroom started making more noise

then she put her shoes back on

and left.

I tried to stop her I did all I could.

Ally says that I am too dramatic

but at times there is need for it.

I want my freind to come home

if I lose her

there would be no one here to talk to
when no one else understands me.

for fucks sake
how can I survive loosing annother close freind.


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[jonas1812]

life

crisis averted

she came home about an hour after
the search party was sent out for her.

I talked to her
and she went to bed.

I'm still worried

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[jonas1812]

aftermath

well

its 3:30 pm

I had just woke up

everyone is asleep.

and I doubt gary is going to let krystal out of his sight for a while.

I was in that place once before

not depressed but so mad at myself

that my extermination was the best idea.

it was my roommates who illustrated the fact that it wasnt worth it.

sad thing is the fact that one of those roommates was Krystal.

so I owe her alot...


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[jonas1812]

stuff

well my new freind went away yesterday
gonna be gone for 3 weeks
spending time whith her family.

it sounds weird to miss somone I barely know...
but I do.

odd

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[jonas1812]

incubus

good band
good music
just plain good

I know what it feels to be at a 'game over'
I have spent my life playing video games
and I know the difference between a happy ending
and a sad ending.

happy endings imply eternal peace or at
least a peace untillthe badf guy 'miraculously' returns.

a sad ending means you have run out of lives
you've had your three strikes now get the fuck out.

it feels like I am on my last strike
and I'm not going to die this time
there wont be a sad ending...
I'll find the princess and head straight
for the happily ever after.

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[jonas1812]

me

I have stopped tearing myself up over Ally
and I was wrong...

I was the only person who could do anything about it
all I had to do was realise that I could live whithout her
hell thats prety much what I have been doing.

there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel
and I know that this time it isnt an oncomming train.

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[jonas1812]

sleep

I managed to sleep all day

it felt good

shure I missed the events of an entire day
but at least I got to sleep for once.

I look at spunky
and I see how good it is to be loved
even if it is by a silly cat.

silly cat

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[jonas1812]

orpheus

it is a goth/industrial club in baltimore...

I went there for the first time whith my roommates
I had a great time I danced and wandered arround
and got to see all manner of extravagant and outlandish
outfits(while mine was pretymuch plain clothes for me)
the music kicked ass and at the end of the night there
was a magicians duell between jesus and satan...
and after that live sword swallowing.

yeah I'm going back
and I'm taking domino whith me
and I will be dressed freakishly outlandish

because its fun

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[jonas1812]

work

the one thing that constantly gets
in the way of my 'sleep scedule'...

is work

I hate it
I dont have a real job I just do yardwork for
somone who is willing to pay me.

I told her that I am never awake before 1:00pm
but she still comes to pick me up at 10:30.

I'm realy begining to dislike it
but I dont have anything else right now.

yeah I need somehting to keep me awake.

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[jonas1812]

uncertain

I think that when you write something down you give it substance
I deas, feelings, thoughts, you name it...

thats what I did today
I'm unshure of what I will get in
response and yahoo mail is being a penis.

it has me paranoid
and stressed.

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[jonas1812]

odd

sometimes it feels like I am running arround in circles.

it turns out I was stressing for nothing.


and here I find myself talking to domino again...

and iritating her by being distracted...
so I think I might stop updating and go back to her.

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[jonas1812]

dilema

trying to help 2 freinds
neither of which are very easy
to see in person right now
both are realy improtant to me.

I want to help them both but
I dont know exactly what to do.

I guess if all I can do right now is be a freind
then thats what I'll do.

I cant kill the beast but I can controll it
the child grew up and put it on a leash...

I still have my bad days
but not so much recently...

not for about a month now.

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[jonas1812]

battle

I have always enjoyed people who could
'whupp' my ass in a battle of wits...

of course considering the fact that
sometimes I'm a little slow on the
draw or even unarmed...

means I enjoy everyone.

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[jonas1812]

magic number

I looked at the ammount of vewings I had ans I saw that it was 10 away from 666 heh...

so I need either ten people to have a look or the same person ten times.


just hoping to se it myself

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[jonas1812]

empty

I saw them together today
I was looking for what I see in joe and
graci that is how I know whith absolute
certainty that they are going to last forever...
its not something that grows over time
it is just there...
but when I saw them...
it wasnt there
I looked in her eyes and I saw
an emptyness that
I have only seen in my eyes...
there is something inside of her
that tells her that she isnt worth it
that we dont deserve to be stuck whith her.
I want to tell her all of this but I know that she
is probably going to think of it as just an ex-boyfreind
trying to get into her pants.
yeah I still love her
but she is only my freind anymore.

I didnt see how he completed her
though I saw how she completed him...
I've seen this before in my own home
when the shit hits the fan things are going to get ugly.

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[jonas1812]

me

I am:
Miccah: a malkavian obsessed whith a spoon
Nicolas: a malkavian who thinks he was once a rat
Abraham: a malkavien with a god complex
Corben: an irish gangrel who eats wings
Mathew: Vampire slaying demon

I play vampire: the masquerade
and a little of demon: the fallen as well.

I love tabletop rpg's because
you have unlimited freedom
you can be and do anything.
and if you dont like the choices
you are given change them
or come up whith something else.

I'm at a point in my life where
I can chose one way or the other.
while my fear of losing something
precious to me is ever present,
a big part of me realy knows that
it would be worth it to try for
something more because I know
inside that I would never lose my
treasure.

to you who knows exactly who you are
I look forward to seeing you again soon.

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[jonas1812]

the beast

the beast is the embodiment of everything
that hurts me...
every inch of my torment is represented in the beast.

I used to be a child scared to death of the beast
but as I was forced to face it more and more
I grew stronger and then I was no longer a child
and I knew I had little to fear from something
that is a part of me...
so I put the beast on a leash
I still have my bad days
but those are very sort lived.

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