demons, bitches, angels, and goddesses

[jonas1812]

new thread
new man
almost

(no fake names)

angels: Krissy
godesses: Jess
demons: Ally
bitches: none
unknown: Kat

to start off
I really hurt Krissy
and Ally really hurt me.
this blog isnt anything more
than a bunch of ramblings and
bitchings from a bi-polar insomniac.

oh yeah I am your host and my name is russ
I am a demon.

r

 

[jonas1812]

kitty

I have a cat

she is cute
and silly
and lazy
and black whith a white tummy
and feet
and dominating my bed
and mine.

my roommates saw that I was getting very depressed so they got me a kitty.

thanks guys
I now have somone to love
again.

r

 

[jonas1812]

work

one thing I hate about being single is the
fact that I have to 'work' for sex.
and working doesnt work get it?

when I had a girlfreind all I had to do was give her 'the look'
and she would know exactly what I wanted and would
facilitate that desire, dont get me wrong it worked the same
the other way arround, but I kinda missed being able to
get 'sex on demand' as it were.

the closest thing I have right now is porn and my right hand...
and that is starting to get old.

r

 

[jonas1812]

experience

experience teaches us most things we know about life

my experiences have taught me that hope, while it is
good can destroy a person, love while aslo good can
cause a lot of pain, and then there is also the fact that
my freinds are always here for me but they arent enough.

r

 

[jonas1812]

e-mail

I'm listening to stabbing westward and checking my email...
7 bulk mail and onthing else...

nobody loves me.

ooh kitty kisses.
she just licked my hand.

awwww how cute.

I went for a walk this morning.
I left because my roommates had an argument
reminding me of all the things I hate about people.

there were 2 parts in this argument.
when I got home part 1 was playing a game on his ps2 in the same room as part b who was fucking part 01 on the couch...

and I am left wondering what the fuck happened.

aparently...

it did.

r

 

[jonas1812]

adictions

I live in a houshold of people whith adict persaonas,
myself included.

they say that I find something that makes
my happy and then I persue it whith every
fibre of my being.
true, but I was kinda adicted to Ally as well
still am really.

I kinda wish she was adicted to me...
but I cant get anything I want...
ever.

r

 

[jonas1812]

roommates

they are playing arround on my 'bed'
it is at the point of being somewhat disturbing.

they remind me of the mind games Krissy and I used to play
I miss it too much for me to be able to fully get over her.

I am also tearing myself apart over Ally.

its days like this that I realise exactly how fractured I really am...
this
is
not
good.

r

 

[jonas1812]

good & bad

its good that I can identify the things I am
doing that are tearing me apart.

its bad that as far as I know I cant do shit about any of it
its all in somone elses hands...

3 somone elses hands actually,
one kinda hates me
one just wants to be freinds
and the other is taken...

and all I really need is for
somone to tell me they love me
and for that somone to want to be whith me,
and want me to take care of them.

this sucks

r

 

[jonas1812]

want

usually when I cant have something
I stop wanting it...

untill now

I want Ally
a big part of me needs her
and yet I cant have her
and because of that I want her even more.

this situation is totally fucked.

r

 

[jonas1812]

freinds

I hate having freinds that I recently dated...

she sees who I was, how for the most part I was happy
and nothing seemed to drag me down too much.
and then she sees who I am now, how there are
days where I cant help but be depressed, and I
missunderstand a lot of things that arent too hard
to not missunderstand.
she sees whe difference between these two
sides of me and she cant make the connection
that its her fault.

she doesnt see how much I love her
she doesnt see the fact that she had
filled and overflowed the void
she doesnt see that she is the only one who can fill it again.

I hate the blind

r

 

[jonas1812]

numb

I have figured out how to 'shut off'
sensations like pain and tickling
I dont know what it's use is but it
is kinda cool for fucking whith freinds.

but so far I have been doing this when
I'm depressed and dont want to be
cheered up by somone massaging
my scalp.

or when I am strangling a sesame streets 'the count' doll
and I want to remain as dificult as possible when 'they' try
to get him away from me.

I can also leave warm spots on the carpet
that linger for much longer than any warm
spot should...
which makes me think that I might possibly be a demon.

that and there's the fact that I am evil...

hehe
r

 

[jonas1812]

curses

I beleive that everyone has a curse of one kind or annother.

one of my freinds has the kind of personality where any guy,
bi or gay girl would either fall for her whithin moments of
seeing her or not like her at all,
she can absorb emotions from other people,
that and she is a muse who cant
understand 'why' when she doesnt inspire
(or seem to inspire) a person
case in point... me.

mine are a little more common
I am always the counselor and
never the councelled,
I can project my emotions into other people, good and bad,
I have an adict persona,
and I feed off of the energies of other people when I am on a dance floor.

these can either mix well or not so well.
in our case it would have mixed well if it
werent for our first loves...
mostely hers.
I'm going to keep her name out of
this because she reads this blog too.

I met her and immediately fell in love
kinda...
I knew I wanted to be whith her and I
knew that a lot of good would come of it
if we hooked up.

but anyways
I should go to bed.

night all

r

 

[jonas1812]

the angel

I'm kinda feeling a little wistfull and regretful right now
so I think I might write about the woman who was my angel...

Krissy

to start off she was all kinds of incredible
she was my first love,
and being somone who doesnt
exactly fall in love too easily...
she was my first taste of heaven.

she was the most beautiful woman
I have ever had the privelage of
being whith...
blue eyes long darkish hair
perfect.
on top of that she was also a
hell of a lot smarter than I was
she started reading steven king at 6
and her intelect has been quite twisted
ever since.

we fell in love and spent 3 years together
again I think heaven.

I made the mistake of deciding to return
to my homeland of pennsylvania to get
my act together so that I could marry her.

thats when I met Ally...

she changed everything.

I was reluctant to tell her about Krissy
because part of me wanted to be
whith her instead.
there was something about her that
made me really want to do everything
I could to be whith her.

and I went so far as to 'leave' Krissy to be whith Ally

TWICE!!

Krissy asked me recently what Ally and I did together
and I answered honestly and that was the end of
any freindship that we could have had after all of this.

this is one of those things where I would change it if I could
but I see that if I did things differently I would have
run into Ally later in life and things would be even
more fucked than they already are.

one word
regret

r

 

[jonas1812]

good day

today has been a prety good day
the same as yesterday and most
of the day before that(arguement whith the x)
all whithout explaination I have no idea
why I am having such good days.

mabey I've finaly cracked
or possibly something
really good and really
big is on the horizon...
and I'm subconciously
hyping myself up for it...

yeah right
last time this happened a month
of really good days later I fell in
love whith the person who ripped
out my heart.

no offense to those who care about me
but I am leaning towards cracking...

way way towards cracking.

r

 

[jonas1812]

e_mail 2

I'm begining to think its pointless to check my email anymore.

I have checked it again today
and 10 bulk mail whith
nothing in my proper inbox.

I think the only people who used to write me are
ignoring me or hate me or just dont know what to write...

to the one who hates me: fuck you I regret what
I did and I am sorry for breaking your heart, but if
you dont want to know me fine.

to those who dont know what to write: anything will be fine
comment on the blog if you so desire.

to those of you who are ignoring of me: fuck you too
even though I dont know who you are.

and to you porn sites that have somehow
managed to get my email address: just fuck off please
I'm tired of hoping for an email from the people I
have described above only to find some 'free porn site' bullshit.

by the way today has been a prety damn good day
and I am wearing glow-sticks

r

 

[jonas1812]

eeew...

my boss is taking me to church on the 22nd
because there are 'alot of single girls there'
in my age bracket...

I didnt even know I had an age bracket
it actually sounds fun...
I might find somone to corrupt

and this weekend I am going to go hang
out whith some old freinds and possibly
bug the hell out of an ex-girlfreind and
mabey get a chance to introduce her
to the cat that replaced her hehe.

but the weekend doesnt start until the lan party on friday
when the geeks of franklic county take over a small part
of mainstreet waynesboro.

fun fun

r

 

[jonas1812]

caged

I feel like a caged animal
this usually has something to do whith Ally.

personaly I dont understand how we
can be freinds when I always bring up us...
and she always reminds me that I lied to her,
I lied because I didnt want sympathy and I
didnt need help.

I would have been able to take care
of her if I had the chance...
or knew to tell when I had the chance.

its because of Ally that I hate love...
but its because of Joe and Graci that I
know that when the time comes for me
to not be alone anymore I wont be given
the option to not fall in love.

thing is whith Krissy and Ally
I never had the choice
it just got fucked up both times.

I look at Ally now and I dont see the person I fell in love whith
its the same whith Krissy the difference being the fact that
as much as I love Krissy I still broke her heart, an action
that nearly took my life, and Ally broke mine and moved
on rather quickly...

I sound like an ass even to myself
but it isnt right to not beleive what somone
has told you just because they lied to you about
the small stuff.

r

 

[jonas1812]

new

demons: Ally, me
bitches: none
gods/godesses: Gary, Jess
angels: Joe, Graci, Krystal, Kat, Krissy
unknown: Domino

Krissy is an angel because she taught me everything I know about love, Joe Graci Krystal and Kat are freinds who have
helped me to remain stable throughout everything I have
been through. I broke Krissy's heart and so I am a demon
and I am tormented everyday by what I did, Ally broke my heart.
Gary and jess are self proclaimed dieties...
and Domino is an unknown because I have only just met her.

to be honest
I like Domino
and I think I would enjoy
getting to know her.

bye now
r

 

[jonas1812]

bing

I am currently at a lan party
and almost severly sleep deprived
...

shut up susan.

...

I think I am starting to go a little crazy
...

SHUT UP SUSAN!!!

...

but anyway
I am having a lot of fun
...

susan...

...

...

um...

bye now

r

 

[jonas1812]

domino

today I am going to see domino again
from what I have seen I know that she
is prety cool and I like her.

that whole happines thing
started to come back to me
shortly after we met...

I guess that meant I am happy
as long as somone cares.

or I really like this one...

you decide

r