Cunning Stunts

[Cap'n Blackett]

Gotta get outa bed, get a hammer and a nail

I feel intensely frustrated by the state of the world. I want a change in our government. I will vote and try to make my voice heard, but I have lost so much faith in the system. I don't trust the people who run my country. Who pushed the Patriot Act through, and now are using it for their non-terrorist agendas. Why is it that Ashcroft can subpeona the records of every place that provides family planning, even though it violates doctor/patient confidentiality? Why do I get newsletters about this from Planned Parenthood, but see no media coverage? I am sickened by a regime that claims to uphold our constitution, but tries, at every turn, to infringe on our rights. I am tired of there being no separation between church and state. My beliefs are not the same as their's, but they get to decide, largely, how I should live.

I'm tired of hearing that illegal immigrants don't deserve rights or services in this country. For fuck's sake! They are people. It's not them vs. us. And if it's a matter of who has the right to what territories--most of the Southwest was Mexico at one time, so what about the rights of those displaced? Oh but I'd better not bring up reparations--that dirty word. Except I will. I think that the Swiss Banks should make payments to any surviving haulocaust victims and their children. I think that BMW and Mercedes and even my beloved VW needs to do the same thing--since all of their huge business and profit was built on the backs of concentration camp slave labour. I think the US government should make restitution to all the people who were vicitms of institutional racism. I mean, Jim Crow didn't end all that long ago, and we still feel the present effects of past injustices.

I want a better world. I want better education, not better weapons. I want people in our beautiful, rich land to have shelter and access to healthcare (for both physical and mental ailments). I want a country that understands that the arts are a necesity--not an elective. I want my freedom of speech and choice and I want due process.

Ok, I feel a wee bit better after that rant.

It's clear to me that I have to help change the world, not just lament the terrible condition it's in.

It makes me think of an Indigo Girls concert I saw (one of many) at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley. Amy Ray said, over and over, "I will not be complacent" and then they started singing Hammer and a Nail--so here are today's lyrics:

Clearing webs from the hovel
A blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
I’ve been digging too deep
I always do
I see my face on the surface
I look a lot like narcissus
A dark abyss of an emptiness
Standing on the edge of a drowning blue

I look behind my ears for the green
And even my sweat smells clean
Glare off the white hurts my eyes
I gotta get out of bed
Get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands
Not just my head
I think myself in a jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand
And a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth
If you want a rose

I had a lot of good intentions
Sit around for fifty years
And then collect a pension
Started seeing the road to hell
And just where it starts
But my life is more than a vision
The sweetest part is acting
After making a decision
Started seeing the whole
As a sum of it’s parts

And I look behind my ears for the green
And even my sweat smells clean
Glare off the white hurts my eyes
Gotta get out of bed
Get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands
Not just my head
I think myself in a jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand
And a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth
If you want a rose

My life is part of the global life
I’d found myself becoming more immobile
When I’d think a little girl in the world
Can’t do anything
A distant nation my community
And a street person my responsibility
If I have a care in the world
I have a gift to bring

I look behind my ears for the green
Even my sweat smells clean
Glare off the white hurts my eyes
I gotta get out of bed
Get a hammer and a nail
Learn how to use my hands
Not just my head
I think myself in a jail
Now I know a refuge never grows
From a chin in a hand
And a thoughtful pose
Gotta tend the earth
If you want a rose

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I forgot to say that I love Michele and Sarah deeply and they are both welcome to move in any time they'd like. They can sit around the hearth and wind yarn onto wooden bobbins, while I serve them savoury stews and delectable sweets, and we tell each other about how our day went. Ahhh Utopia. Of course the boy would have to be the dromedary and he'd have to mew upon request, but I think he's already used to that by now.

I have an idea that I'm hatching, but it's secret until I get some answers...more to come.

Sabrina's home for a month. This should be interesting. Her visits always change the dynamic of my relationship with Jane, so I'm curious to see what it'll be like, now that Jane and I have been roomies. I love her (Sabrina), but she is very needy for attention and not so good at listening to others. I worry about her and Ron--they'd be better off if they steered clear of each other, but people are so often drawn to the dramatic, usually with terrible results. I lost a good deal of respect for both of them after their last fiasco. It actually hurt to know that people I held in such high esteem could care so little for fidelity. But since I do care for both of them, I want try not to judge them so much for mistakes I hope they will not make again. [Weird syntax there--I'm finding it difficult to express myself about this subject] She's in a lot of pain about the whole thing and he feels badly, too, but they both behave as though "it's just something that happened" and "it's not so bad, in retrospect."

I am fascinated by people who can not take responsibility for their own actions, people who never hold themselves accountable for the problems in their lives. People who consitantly make impulsive, bad choices, yet see themselves as victims or innocents--it's denial so deep that it's borderline crazy. These are the people who revise history to downplay their part in it--even when their actions have been witnessed by many. Amazingly, these people expect others to see it their way--that they are victims and had no role in their own demise. We all make choices. We have to accept the consequences. When someone makes that choice to tread upon the more drama-filled path, it's hard to feel sorry for them when their life ends up being quite dramatic.

It's always trippy when someone you know behaves completely out of character and does something you know is wrong. How do you keep from judging someone who is willing to put themselves first, at the expense of others? I am working on it, but I am not there yet. I want to be a forgiving person, but there's plenty of unforgivable shit that people do in this world, so I also want to feel whatever their actions cause me to feel.

I need to find balance in all of it.

Things are good on most fronts. I have been in a cooking frenzy lately. I made some killer chili last night and secret recipe cornbread. I had to freeze most of it because it makes a huge amount, plus we still have leftover meatloaf. Tomorrow I'm making quiche like the Le Kernevez family did in France, with cubed ham and emental and some veggies. I never got the trick of Yvette's quiches though, she didn't even use a piecrust and she got her eggs fluffier than any I've seen. Still, mine are pretty decent--for an American.

We have a couple parties to attend this weekend. I'm psyched hang out with Mo and Leigh and Kelly (and to see Mattie's apartment on Saturday). And the boy is at another poker night, tonight. This time with people from Tom's work--shit I forgot that my buddy John goes to that poker night. I miss him. If I'd thought about it, Jed could have said hey for me. Oh well, I'll see him around, I'm sure.

I hate living with most of my stuff at Jed's parent's house, but his brother hasn't found an apartment yet, so we can't move into the bigger room. I am dying to get my giant bed back and lots of my little momentos that I miss having around me. Once everything is painted and moved in, I want to have a housewarming party on the roof. That could be a while away, depending on when Jon finds the right pad.

Elizabeth called today. Her 8 yr old niece had an operation to remove a giant tumor on her spine last week, and they could only get 80% of it, for fear of damaging nerves. Now she will have to undergo chemo and radiation. I adore little Claire and I am sending her my love and energy and hope that everything will be ok. She is incredibly brave.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Say it with song

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="98%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD>

Camper Van Beethoven
[size=+0]Life Is Grand



[font=Courier New, Courier, mono]And life is grand

And I will say this at the risk of falling from favor

With those of you who have appointed yourselves

To expect us to say something darker

And love is real

And though I realize this is not a deep observation

To those of you who find it necessary

To conceal love or obscure it, as is the fashion[/font][/size]
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Cram it with walnuts, Ugly!

We saw Anchorman with Kelly, her friend who's studying to become a priest, Mo, and Marc and then had a lovely brunch at a cajun place in their hood. I love those guys. We didn't stay too long at their party last night. The boy was exhausted from two poker nights in one week, and I just wanted to get back into bed my own self. My sleep schedule has been really off lately. I really laughed a few times in the movie, and enjoyed it overall, but there were plenty of weak spots, too. Will Ferell was, of course, fantastic. but the surprise for me was how much I loved Steve Carrell (sp?). He stole the movie and I laughed the hardest at his lines. I didn't have huge expectations for it, so I was extra happy to see it.

Matty's party was good--a rooftop barbeque in Brooklyn. Even though the people were nice, they were all a bit too young for there to be much common ground and I only really know Matty and his girlfriend Jory. The sunset was amazing and we stayed up there until it was fully dark. The boy had an upset tummy when we got home and he's napping now. I will join him soon.

The secret idea is becoming a little less secret. Mo said yes, so there are 3 of us, just a few more to ask. I am so fucking excited, but I don't want to jinx it.

I realized that, now that I live here, with this amazing rooftop of my own, I can finally film the movie I wrote a year ago. It is time to dust it off and start re-writing. I think I could pull it off, but the same actors would still have to be interested in playing the roles I wrote for them. Jed just bought a G4, with Final Cut loaded onto it, so I can finish editing the other stuff that's in the can. I am so psyched to finally be done with both of them--it can't happen soon enough. Sarah said she would teach me some editing--she is a living, breathing doll.

It's weird to transition from this being my hang out to this being my home. I can't believe it's true. Best place I've lived in NYC. It'll truly be mine once my stuff is all here. We're going through his parent's basement next weekend, to pick which furniture we want, and I want to bring some stuff back, but there's just no room for it yet. God I hope Jon finds a place soon. We'll all be happy.

We saw the episode of the Simpsons recently where Homer says, "Cram it with walnuts, Ugly!" Mo, Jed, Sarah and I have been saying it for so long, I'd forgetten the context of it. Oh, and I finally saw the one again where Homer asks, "Marge, are we Jewish?" She says, "No, Homer!" and he says, "Woohoo!" then eats a whole roasted pig. It's been years, but my sister still laughs until she cries when I say those lines.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Even though he can be difficult, I've really grown to like Jon. Almost grudgingly, but I can't help it. I can't help but love that same acerbic humour that his brother has in spades. I had a scotch with him last night while I was waiting for the quiche to finish. He's a master in the kitchen, but I think I've impressed him with a few of my dishes.

Just got back from Spiderman--meh. Just what I thought it'd be. The only real fun parts for me were seeing Asef have a biggish part (which I didn't know about) and seeing Jane's building (where I used to live and where they filmed significant parts of both movies). Oh and Bruce Campbell--otherwise I was non-plused. Jed's friend Will took us out to sushi and then we took him to the movie. I really like him. He was in one of my all-time favorite scenes I've seen in a Harold, with Chris Kula. I'll go into more detail about it some other time.

I finally spoke with Amy in Santa Cruz today. She told me about a party for Susan she went to when the book was released and about her trip to South America this fall with Finn. I miss her tremendously and wish I could see her soon. That's the hardest part about being on the East coast--missing the people I love out West.

Ok the boy is patiently waiting for me to come to bed (not so patiently, since I can hear him grumbling in there). I have a lot to write about, just don't have the time.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

More than a feeling

The news is fantastic. I got hired (temp to perm) at the satelite radio station. I start on Monday. I get to work in an office with Michele and I couldn't be happier. The money is great and the chances to move up in the company are many. I could really see myself there for years. Now I can start saving for a trip to England, which is sorely overdue. And that's the main puzzle piece that was missing (the job--not the trip to the Lake District).

We went to see the re-release of Carlito's Way last night and I enjoyed it more than I expected to. We went with Adam and Tom and we were all asked to be part of a focus group afterwards on a prequel to the movie. The focus group was a riot. The average IQ had to be (excluding the four of us) around 75. They want to put P Diddy in the next movie and one guy said that was a bad idea because people will wonder, "What, did he use a time machine to get back there, cuz he's like from today." Unbelievable.

But, the good news there is that both Tom and Adam said yes, too, so now there are 5. The secret is getting less and less secret. I am more excited every day.

I got my hair cut today in Union Square. I mean, really cut. He took 6-8 inches off and my head feels so light now. It's cute, but it will take some getting used to. I don't remember the last time my hair's been above the shoulders. I was annoyed because he kept trying to up-sell me. He wanted me to get my hair streaked, but I told him I've done it before and hated it, then he tried to get me to dye it another colour--I had to firmly tell him I only wanted a haircut. I don't blame him, but I didn't want to buy any products, or have my hair straightened. I'd forgotten about getting it done when Jerry got home and he was really taken aback. It was funny--I couldn't understand why he kept saying wow.

I have been writing the Panama book, but I can't find the voice of it yet. Right now it's coming out clumpy. I know so many things that need to be in it, but of course I have to know where to cut from that stuff. Lately I've been caught up in writing about a character who might not even be essential to the story, but I can't help following his path. Maybe I should just over-write everything and figure out later what needs to be there and what doesn't. I'm sure that's what Susan would tell me to do. I just feel the sand slipping away and I know I'll have less energy once I start this job.

I never knew that the Scots established a colony in Panama in the 1700s. How serendipitous that my Scotish mother would marry a Panamanian-born man hundreds of years later. I told my father about that a couple of weeks ago and he never knew it either. He wants me to go with them the next time they go to Panama. I hate traveling with them, but he'd have access to all the people I need to talk to in order to research the book. It would be the smartest thing to do, but I'd have to be doing yoga 5 times a day to deal with the stress. We'll see when they actually go.

I have to get my work wardrobe together--thrilling. Although, every time I went in for an interview, all the women were dressed hyper-casual. Or punk. One girl had hot pink converse, fishnet tights and cut-off jean shorts and little ponytails. I don't dress like that (anymore, but when I was 19 I'd have been in heaven), but I would love to avoid suits and hose.

The boy is taking the day off of work tomorrow to hang out and celebrate with me. We are going to sleep in late and laze around for a while, but we have to also buy some stuff to make our close space more efficiant and get more organized. It's going to be a real challenge for me to get up early and get to work on time, but I'm excited to do it. Yay.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I got to hang out with Alex last night. We haven't had the chance in a while. He called from Union Square after Jed left for poker last night and I went down to hang out on the steps and people watch and catch up. His brother got married in Mexico a month or so ago and he met a girl there from San Francisco. He just flew out there to hang with her and see if it could be something more serious. He loved it and went to the bars I told him to, but I doubt he'll be moving there any time soon. I don't think it was in the cards for him and that girl.

I miss making the movie with him. We were a good team in many ways--he always supported my choices and he worked his ass off right along side me. God that was a labour of love. But with Dave Thunder and James Eason playing the lead roles, we all laughed all day. Well, after we got over it being 5 in the morning, that is. And since we didn't use the sound from the shoot, we could all crack up and laugh while they were improvising bits, as long as it didn't make them laugh.

I want to shoot another one. I can't believe it's been almost a year since that one finished. Once it stops raining for a few days I'm taking the camera up to the roof and shooting, just to see what it looks like on video. I'd really like to finish "Who's Lame?" but my hair is short now and we'd have to re-shoot everything. I really want to act with Jim again, though (who, by the way, just got signed to a big commercial agency and booked a national commercial--yay!).

Alex and I spent hours in Union Square, then we came to the bar across the street from my house and had a drink before he headed back to Park Slope. We got into a slightly uncomfortable conversation about 9/11--he's an authority on some of what went on and knows a lot about the urban legends and myths that surfaced afterwards. I asked how reputable news sources can report stuff if they didn't have proof and he got pretty shut down with me. I agreed with what he was saying, but I still had questions that need answering. We parted ways soon after, but things seemed good. Still, I know that he took my questions personally.

I talked to so many people today who I've been neglecting. I'm ready to be more social now that I have an income and my life feels like it's finally on track again. Shawn is good--she's settled in in Jersey City and she's addicted to Tivo. Corey and Cary are doing well, finally past their rough patch. We have to have dinner with them soon. Eila is great and we are going to hang out soon. She's teaching yoga and seems really happy in her life. Sabrina wants to meet the boy this weekend. And we have to go to his parents house, too. Ay ay ay. I feel overwhelmed by what I have to get done in the next week.

And I am so thankful for the blessings in my life. The last couple of years have been so hard that I feel like I deserve the good stuff that's happening. Here's to health, love and security.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Jon has found an apartment! This is such very good news. Now he can get on with his life, and so can we. It's time to start looking at paint samples and curtains. I want to bring Corey in on this one. Alex asked about him the other night and I said that he's happily living his Queer Eye existance. He is the most stylish person I've ever known. He worked for Gucci for years and has been involved with fashion photography ever since. His boyfriend used to own an antique store and their apartment is the ultimate blend of taste and kitsch. We lived together on and off for ten years and I watched him set trends in San Francisco and New York, not to mention how he splashed it up in London and Dublin. He will know just what I like and help me make it happen.

I want to get an office set up before I start working, but that's just not going to happen. It's so fucking hard to be organized when everything you have is crammed into a tiny space--along with everything your boyfriend owns. Especially when he owns enough comic books to start a store.

I get to spend tomorrow shopping for more work clothes. I'm terrible at this, because I always want to buy stuff that's more casual or fancy than is appropriate. But tomorrow it's all cardigans and chinos. I will use self control. Also, Jed will be there to keep me in check. I'm sure he's thrilled at the prospect of sitting for hours while I try stuff on.

Still not used to the short hair--I get a shock everytime I catch a glimpse of myself. It's even more curly than usual and the length has even changed my peripheral vision, since it curls around my face more now. I might even go shorter on the next haircut. I used to always wear it in a short bob--I didn't have to do anything to it. The boy is ridiculously into the hair-do. I think, partly, he realizes that it's his duty, as a good boyfriend, to compliment the new coif. But he insists that it's all sincere. Either way, it's sweet and it's giving me the courage to try really short.


edited to protect the innocent


It's Friday, the weather is about to go from sunny to rainy, and it'll be three hours before I see the boy again. I'm going to watch the Southpark DVDs and relax until he gets home.

MEOW!!!

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I am a lightweight with the drinkies.

It was a fucking perfect night. We strolled in this great weather through the West Village to our little Italian place (I had lobster and he had veal--what the fuck--we never splurge) and then we walked a little for digestion's sake, but ended up at Cones for the best ice cream I've had in the States (hazelnut and banana--a scoop of each amazing flavour). We walked to this little park that was filled with gay winos and had a few sculptures in it and sat until every ambrosial drop of cream was scraped from the cup.

I was so stuffed on the way home that I thought I might not make the five flights of stairs, but I trudged on until I reached the final landing. We laughed (and I squirmed) through 3 episodes of Ali G, but it was so hard to watch the reactions of his victims sometimes. And he's so good at keeping a straight face while in character. I really admire that.

I am still a wee bit tipsy, so I'm going to sign off for now. I'm afraid I might be making less sense than usual. I have to be up bright and early for shop-o-rama.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Sister Janet--by Tori Amos

master shaman, i have come
with my dolly from the shadow side
with a demon and an englishman
i'm my mother
i'm my son
nobody else is slipping the blade in easy
nobody else is slipping the blade in the marmalade

all the angels all the wizards, black and white
are lighting candles in our hands
can you feel them, yes, touching hands before our eyes
and i can even see sweet marianne

sister janet you have come
from the woman clothed with the sun
your veil is quietly becoming none
call the wanderer he has gone
and all those up there are making it look so easy
with your perfect wings
a wing can cover all sorts of things

this again
well i think i could try this once again

and all the angels and all the wizards, black and white
are lighting candles in our hands
can you feel them, yes, touching hands before our eyes
and i can even see sweet marianne


Nobody else is slipping the blade in the marmalade. Those lyrics always make me think of you!!!!!!

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Weird dream (I think inspired by Spiderman and late night Cuban food)--jumping from building to building. The Empire State building, lost in the fog, was still there when I jumped to it.

I gotta remember to keep jumping--no matter how scary.

"At least two thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity, idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religious or political idols." --Aldous Huxley

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Shoes like Cinderella....

"Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster
and if you gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes into you."
--Friedrich Nietzsche

"The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil." --Cicero

"The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance -- it is the illusion of knowledge." --Daniel Boorstin

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to stay, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact." --George Eliot

"A great many people mistake opinions for thoughts." --Herbert Prochnow

"Three minutes thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time." --A.E. Houseman

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

We spent most of yesterday in his parents basement, going through boxes of stuff he hasn't looked at since he moved back from Chicago. We got rid of hundreds of books, which always makes me sad, but I'm happy that we won't be moving any of them into the city. His folks are such lovely, accepting people. And they are in our court--extremely supportive, in a way my parents are not and never will be. Of course, his mom was lamenting a lack of grandchildren and I just stayed silent. I don't know if I want to have kids and I don't want to give her any false hopes. Then again, I am midway through my 30s and should probably decide pretty soon here....

They (his parents) were really happy that we spent the day there. It's like another world--all the trees and space between dwellings; there were even strip malls, which I'd almost forgotten, being away from California for so long. We went to see I, Robot after all the sorting and getting rid of stuff was done and we both actually liked it, to our surprise. Then we went back to their house and they grilled steaks for us. It was good to work that hard, but also to get taken care of like that.

By the time we took the train back, we were both falling asleep. I could barely climb the stairs, but then had another restless night of strange dreams and awakenings. I've been dreaming about really common, every day things that suddenly become surreal. I wake up, not exactly scared, but mildly upset by whatever I've dreamt. I think I've got anxiety about the new job and the move. Jon still doesn't have a date that he'll be out, so moving my stuff to the apartment can't be planned yet. I also have been thinking about the mean reputation my new boss has. I am skilled in behavioral management, but I resent having to use those skills on "normal" people. I had a lot of patience for the disabled people I served, but I have a harder time dealing with the behavioral issues of the mainstream population.

Before the summer is over I want to have a rooftop party. I'd really love to set up a bar and stools up there. Maybe we will do it. I've got so much other stuff to buy first, that I probably won't splurge this summer on something that frivolous.

I am missing School Night tonight and I'm bummed about it (it's the return of the Sunshine Gang--minus a couple of members--and that's one of my favourite groups of improvisers around, it's so fucking smart). I plan on seeing the sleepover show on Tuesday night and I'm gonna try to see Jackpot on Thurs, since that's their only show this month. But that's my first day at work, so I'm not sure if I'll be up to it.

I am being summoned.

quick lyrics--I've got Prince stuck in my head--Play in the Sunshine:

We wanna play in the sunshine, we wanna be free
Without the help of a margarita or exstacy
We wanna kick like we used 2, sign up on the dotted line
We're gonna dance every dance like it's gonna be the last time

We got 2 play in the sunshine, turn all the lights up 2 10
I wanna meet U (meet U) and kiss U (kiss U)
And love U (love U) and miss U (miss U)
Do it all over again, do it all over again

We're gonna play in the sunshine, we're gonna get over
I'm feelin' kind of lucky 2night, I'm gonna find my 4-leaf clover
Before my life is done
Some way (some way), some how (some how) I'm gonna have fun

Play in the sunshine

We gonna love all our enemies 'til the gorilla falls off the wall
We're gonna rock him (Rock him)
We're gonna roll him (Roll him)
We're gonna teach him that love will make him tall (So tall)

Aah, pop goes the music when the big white rabbit begin 2 talk
And the color green will make your best friend leave ya (Walk)
It'll make them do "The Walk," but that's cool (That's cool)
Cuz one day (one day), every day (every day) will be a yellow day, let's play

(Play in the sunshine, we're gonna get over) Over
I'm feelin' kind of lucky 2night, I'm gonna find my 4-leaf clover
(Before my life is done) Before my life is done
Some way (some way), some how (some how) I'm gonna have fun

(Play) No!
Now get loose
Play! {x8}

We're gonna play in the sunshine, we're gonna get over
I'm feelin' kind of lucky 2night, I'm gonna find my 4-leaf clover
Before my life is done
I'm gonna, some way, some how, have fun

(Play in the sunshine, we're gonna get over)
(I'm feelin' kind of lucky 2night, I'm gonna find my 4-leaf clover)
Before my life is done!
Some way, some how, I just got 2 have fun!

(Play) (Play)
(Play) No! {x3}
(Come on, play) No!
(Play) No!
(Play play play) Yeah!

Drummer, do your thing
Drummer, drummer, do your thing
Drummer, drummer, drummer
Can I get some of that? (Yeah yeah)
Wait a minute
Ha ha

Let's get out of here (Yeah)

(La la la la la, la la la) {x5}
(Play in the sunshine)
We're not afraid 2 (Play in the sunshine)
We are going 2 (Play in the sunshine) (In the sunshine)
(Play in the sunshine)

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I am really not ready for the first day of work tomorrow. I have slacked on ironing, and I need to get new shoes and drop off new pants to be altered. It's not just laziness. I've found plenty to fill my time with these last few days. Jed took today off of work so we could have a last day of chilling together before my hectic schedule begins. He starts a class tonight and he's got poker, so I have time to finish my stuff.

I'm also sad because Mo is on vacation this week, so I'll have to eat lunch alone and she won't be there to fill me in on the workplace scandal. But there's one incredibly nice woman, Lisa, who used to do the job I was hired for, so I'm pretty sure I'll be training with her, and maybe I'll have lunch with her, too. I'm sure the first couple of days will be typical bs orientation stuff, so I'm not too worried about the workload, but I've been repeatedly warned that the woman I'll be supporting is a real handful. We'll see how that goes.

Sarah will be in town this weekend--hooray! We are going to hit a show or two and hang out. I hope I'm not exhausted by the next two days. I'm going out this weekend no matter what.

Jon still doesn't have a final word on the apartment he applied for, so we can't plan our move yet. It's so frustrating. I can't wait until we have a bigger space and my bed back. And it's tiresome to have the extra person in the house--more time spent waiting for the bathroom, less time on the computer, and a battle for space in general. I like the evenings when I'm the only one here. I love my solitude.

Being at his parents this last weekend has made me nostalgic for home--all the trees and hills. I get so accustomed to being on concrete every day. I wish I had a real park closer to me, that I could walk in at night. I even miss fog--who'd have thunk? More than anything, I miss the beach and being familiar with where the good spots are at different beaches. I don't miss my ex at all, but I miss our great apartment half a block from Golden Gate Park. I miss Amoeba Records and Green Apple Books and good god do I miss the Buffalo Exchange.

Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly happy to live in NYC--it's where I truly choose to be. But it's so different from my beloved Bay Area, and there's much back there that I don't have access to here.

Bryan just called to tell me he retrieved a bunch of poetry from a hard drive I'd given up on. He is a wonderful friend and I owe him so much. He has come in and out of my life at the times I've needed him the most. I miss camping and boating with him.

But I got a good lesson in lamenting travel I can't partake in. My older sister went to England at the same time as my dad and step-mom and they all hung out for a few days together. It was holy fucking hell and I had been feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't be there. I have travelled with them--what was I thinking? I'm still sad that I haven't seen my (step)sister Sarah there in so many years and that my nieces are growing up without knowing me, but Tina said that Sarah got tipsy and beligerent during a dinner party, which means things haven't changed in her world too much since I saw her last.

Tina's soon-to-be-ex-husband, Edan's father died last week. It's a mix of sadness and relief I feel over his passing. Ace was very unhappy and really ill. He'd spent most of his life a Christian Scientist and he did things I abhor to Edan's older brother Bill. Bill had epilepsy and the family just prayed over him, instead of getting him any medical help. As a result, Bill's epilepsy got worse and went past the point of medication being able to help it. When he had a seizure they'd blame him and say he hadn't prayed hard enough. When Ace became infirm in his old age, he suddenly decided doctors and medicine were fine. Edan had to make the decision to take him off of life support. I feel horrible for him. We had to make a similar choice about my mother when she was in a coma. I hope Ace found the heaven he always hoped for.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

hamburger maid

First day of work.

From Tori

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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Daisy Dead Petals, that is her name
she's in a phone booth phase, so
underneath the shade of a peppermint tree
she can turn it out with a heal on she just rides into town
knowing what they'll say, knowing they're around the corner
got a crack in got a crack in some strange places

Daisy Dead Petals that is her name
so maybe she tastes like a hamburger maid well
these dead petals honey brought me here
she said "these dead petals, honey, brought me here"

dancing on a dime, hearing mother cry
maybe she's around the corner

got a crack in got a crack in some strange places
on my back with on my back with some dirty dishes

falling down, falling down, all over the river
falling down, falling down, falling down

wish what I'm feeling could go on like this forever
falling down, falling down, falling down

and since we're down might as well stay
might as well fry some eggs
and wave to the shade of the peppermint tree
she's a new friend not a skeleton to ride into town
knowing what they'll say knowing she tastes like a hamburger maid, but

"these dead petals honey brought me here"
she said, "these dead petals honey brought me here."

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I am exhausted, but in a good way, I suppose. I love the company I work for. I am so easily star struck and I had to keep myself away from the lobby when I knew Kevin Pollack would be there today. The workload is intense and it never lightens. People work their asses off. They have to, if satelite radio is to succeed. The environment is good, though. I can tell that I will enjoy this gig. My boss is a real challenge. I'll report more on that when I know her a bit better. She's a true mover and shaker and she's under so much pressure.

We watched The Taking of Pelham 123 last night, and I loved seeing the subways of the '70s.

Jon needs the computer. His apartment fell through because his broker is a lying bastard. If two's company, and three's a crowd, then what the hell is four?

It's so fucking muggy and awful out. I really miss the weather on the west coast. I need a vacation--or just to get outta here for a little while. If I can get my finances together, we are going to England in the Fall. I can't wait to eat a hot steak pie on a cold evening.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

It is the auspicious occasion of my darling Sarah's birthday. I wish her much love and happiness in this year.

I am truly spent. My work day is intense and it's all I can do to type a bit before collapsing. I've been working very long days with few or no breaks. But I love it. I love pulling it off, no matter what the demand. My boss is constantly in meetings, traveling, and on her Blackberry. She literally doesn't have time in the day to eat or drink water--I have to sort of force it on her. And I have to be on top of her every need. And train myself. And perform well without expecting much in the way of recognition. It's a challenge. I am up to it.

Jed has been so good, so supportive. It makes it much, much easier, to know I'm coming home to his loving ministrations. I wish we had more time together--it's the only part I hate about working so much. I have to sleep and rise so early that it's changed our whole lives.

I am excited to hear that Thumper is named and that they will start playing out soon. I hope I get a chance to play with them again. A lovlier group of people does not exist. I miss them.

Some of us are starting a practice group, once Michele has finished the play she is in. Everyone is someone I truly want to play with, and I feel this lovely hope for my improv future. It's been so long since I played (maybe two months?), that I'm feeling quite rusty, but I am really excited to play with people who I feel are better than me. I want to learn from them. Each person has many strengths and is so damn funny. It will be just plain fun.

We are staying up at his parents house this weekend and moving stuff between my old place in Hell's Kitchen and his parents and we have to, somehow, get a giant bookcase up our 5 flights of stairs. It's going to eat up most of our weekend and I'm terribly sad to miss so much of the DCM.

I want to write about how magical last year's DCM was for me, how I rejoiced at so many of the shows. I gave Baby Wants Candy the only standing ovations (at 3 different shows) I've ever given at an improv show. I wish I had the energy to describe it here, but I'm ready for bed, so it will have to wait.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

There's this strong, mint(ish) smell around the computer. It's been here a couple of days. Every time I caught a whiff of it, I felt a wierd nostalgia that I couldn't place. I just figured it out--chewing tobacco. I think Jon used to chew, maybe he's started again. It reminds me of an old flame, actually two of them. Darren was always chewing. He wasn't a good boyfriend, but he was great fun and I don't know if I had ever been that in love before being with him (I have exceeded it since--now it pales...). He was a soccer player and we used to listen to salsa music and pass the ball to each other in my living room. He was a stoned again Christian. Lots of drugs, lots of Jesus. We weren't compatible in that way and many others, even so, I still hold him dear.

But I wouldn't trade my boy for ten of him.

Work is all-encompassing. I do so much in a day, and at the end, I am so exhausted that I can hardly move. But I like it. Most of it. My boss has some issues. She burns through assistants. I'm a tough cookie, though.

It makes me think of the time that an improv teacher made me want to cry from the criticism. I kept saying, in my head, "There's no crying in baseball" in Tom Hanks' incredulous voice. I repeated that mantra until I made it outside and then I let myself cry heartily. It was a rough class.

Work is 1000 times harder than that class, and I don't even feel the affection for my boss that I felt for my teacher, nor the love for work that I felt for improv. But I make it home before the exhaustion makes me weepy. Or PMS. Or whatever has made me feel down. But I have to say that I've never been so loved or taken care of and I am truly happy. So it's not so hard to get through the day, knowing what I've got waiting for me at the top of the stairs.

And speaking of him, he just ran out before poker, to bring me some of my favourite delicious foods, so that I can have them for work. I am going to go now and smother him with kisses before he goes.

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

I also meant to mention that I love Michele Medlin tremendously and my life is so much the better for having her in it. I am so proud of her--dancing her cute little tushy off in the Fringe Festival.

Thank you, Mo, for everything.

Sarah, same to you.

You ladies are true friends, see?

 

[Cap'n Blackett]

Cool things about my job:

1. Summer hours
2. Supa-stars
3. Satelite radio

Suck-ass things about my job:

1. No breaks

So far the good outweighs the bad. Give it some time.

I am very sad to miss DCM. If I'm lucky, I'll hit a couple of Sunday shows.

I have to pack for Westchester now, but I just want to collapse. I stayed up to watch Kerry give his speech last night. He did well. He's not my first choice, but I think he could actually win it. I saw him as charismatic for the first time.

I don't understand people who aren't millionaires, or born-again Christians, but still consider themselves Republican. It doesn't make sense to me.

I want to write more about this, but I have to go. Maybe later.

PS I love my monkey. Ook.