Cruel Fluffage :: Journal of a Funky @ss 15 y/o Teenager

[PlatonicTeddys]

Hm.... It's my first time posting on this journal thingmajigger. I'm not an expert at this, but if it's MY journal, then I guess I dont need to be.

First off, I'd have been a really average person, but something really jacked up happened: I grew up to be me.

So what the heck should I start with now? How about ranting about one thing before telling you about my paintballing trip I took a day or two ago.

Where do I start from here....

Oh yes- I think I know. Pimples suck. The damn things always seem to pop up at the worst times. They dont discriminate and there's nothing worse that waking up in the morning and finding one of the little buggers poking right out of your face. It almost makes you want the suckers to be alive so you can dunk your face in alcohol just to hear them suffer painful and excruciating deaths.

I guess this recent spat of acne that struck me today was probably from paintballing a few days ago. You get so damn dirty paintballing, it's not even funny. Anyway, my brother recently organized a get together with a whole crapload of my his and my sister's friends. He's cool with me so I was invited to come along with his friends. My sister (who I have dubbed Ate - "ah tay" - which is Big Sister in Filipino) was poking at me every now and then because I looked uncomfortable around people I didn't know too well. I was fine, didn't really feel all that bad bein all stranger like and fluffage with everyone, but oh well. Who gives a shiot.

We got there like a half an hour/45 minutes before everyone who reserved the field that day was supposed to start suiting up and getting their crap ready. I spent most of it sitting on the bench where we had parked our @5535 and our backpacks and junk. While everyone was talking and joking about random fluffage, I listened and let my mind drift off until it looked like I would start drooling any moment and would keel over with a face-plant straight into the dirt. I didn't. Time passed. They called everyone in for first timers's orientation.

Once we got all our equipment ready and got past the Chronos or whatever the hell they call those things, we set out for our first game. The only 15 year old female on the field spent most of her time diving and crawling all over the place like her life depended on it. In case you didn't get it, I'm referring to myself. The Reffs (Referees or however you spell it. Forgot right now. I'm usually a good speller, but it's nearly midnight right now and I dont really feel like looking it up) took notice of how damned aggressive I was bein on the field and they even started talking to me and mentioned that I was doin' pretty good for a first timer. I think it may have been the fact that I was a girl but they sent a number of comments and conversations my way. It was cool. I think I might go again.

Last game of the day was nuts. First eight minutes of the team battle was twisted into a Reincarnation match. If you get hit in the first eight minutes, you have to run back to your home flag and touch it so you're back in the game again. I got smacked twice on two suicide runs. It was fun. Haha. But anyway, I was actually peggin a few people, but my air tank/canister/air fluffage ran out and I had to leave the skirmish in the middle. I'm pretty proud of not being hit until the air ran out though. Pretty tite fluffage.

Anyway, my friend is pestering me to go on unichat so he can bother me there.

I wonder what time it is... Well whadda ya know. It's midnight. Damn me to heyll. I need to start sleeping early. I'm gonna get my @55 handed back to me when school starts. Sleeping early is a b*tch.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Messed Up Golfland Crew

Oof... I just looked over last night's journal entry and noticed that it looked like I was feeling quite sadistic. And I personally make a note to myself that dunking my face in alcohol is not something I would like to do on a regular basis.

I'm all alone right now: Parents are working, sister is at school and my brother is out at his friend's out. Most likely, he's going to head over to the Golfland arcade to deal out some major DDR games. What's DDR? It's Dance Dance Revolution. Some dance game that's a lot more easier said than done. More than my share of times, I find passerbyers watching the novices and beginners play, often silently scoffing and laughing about how they could do a better job. (I don’t have that problem however because I'm not a novice... heh... I've mastered Paranoia Rebirth and will conquer Rhythm & Police, I will ). But its sometimes worth standing there like an idiot watching them step up to the plate and screw themselves over. Then they step off ashamed and find themselves eating the shiot out of their own words. Wasn't as easy as it looked, eh buddyboy??

I've got my own Golf Land 'crew' right now. Sounds kind of corny, but you meet an amazingly cool set of people while playing arcade games. Anyway... well- they're sort of my crew. I guess they weren't really my crew to begin with because it consists of me, my two friends and their two boyfriends. Yeh I get kinda lonely sometimes, but hey! Who gives a shiot. Who wants to be a bf to a sadistic little prick such as myself anyway?

We'd always get together and head off to Golf Land just for the arcade, the five of us: We get there at about 10 am and come home about 7pm tired as hell. And yes, the time spent there consists purely of Konami games and puzzle fighter. Quite the video game excursion, I concur.

But as of late, my two friends have been having relationship problems-- I think I might take Ali Davis's example and give them codenames as to be a bit more considerate. It started a few weeks ago when MMS (Marshmunison, which is her nickname in real life) and Cherry sort of fell out of love with each other. They caught me off guard one day when Cherry and I came to the arcade separately but on the same day and randomly mentioned that he and MMS weren't together anymore. Gee- thanks for sending me an early warning.

Chaos soon followed as Pandesal (my other friend) went off to Hawaii for a week or two, and Mango decided that it was okay for him to cheat while Pandesal was away.... Who the f*ck is 'Emily' anyway??

Now it's really gonna be one hell of a trip to get the group to go to Goldland together again.

See- but here's the real problem. What am I supposed to do? I supposed I should feel as if I should be calling Mango a dipsh*tted floor-wiping moron but at the same time, I'd be showing a little it more than unnecessary hostility. He's a friend, and I find it particularly bastardly of me if I called him my friend one day, and then turn against him on the next. I find that that kind of thing happens a lot, and the superficial nature of our relationships in daily life shine through. And I guess that just because you’re not necessarily connected with your friend’s bf, and only his friend because he’s your friend’s boyfriend, then its okay to backstab?? Incredibly depressing in a way, but still has enough elbow room in there to go on calling the world nothing but a festering cesspool of @ssholes and psychob*tches.

Hm... if I ever get a life and get a real bf, I wonder if me and him will be cool enough with each other to still be friends after the breakup. Ha. Wishful thinking. Then again, it's wishful AND selfish thinking to ever believe I'll ever get a boyfriend at all. Damn me to heyll.

I suppose we're already headed there anyway.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Drama Queen

My sister is broken, I can see it. She goes on with daily life, social life, whatever. But there are times when I can still see she regrets.

Lemme explain. Ate loves theater. It's definitely up there with her favorites, and no one knows it better than me. And she's been performing ever since she was ten. That's a hellova long time to be into it. Everyone seems to want to be an actor, but they never get a chance to go through with it or even be discovered. As for me, I'm not into going for the stars. I'm just a regular Joe.

I'm not sure but I think it went back even way before that. Every chance she got, she'd be practicing for a play, belting her voice for a musical and practicing steps for her choreography. At times, I found it really annoying, especially before I went to bed. I'd always be kept up by my sister one way or another. Sometimes, she'd talk with me about things, and there was always the possibility of her just being overdramatic for the sake of putting on a charade. I don't know why. But she did that a lot. As if I was an 'audience' worth talking to.

But eventually, my mother got into it and finally gave permission for my sister to get into a modelling agency where she went all out with auditions and all that major fluffage. John Robert Powers. That was it. Her agency. And not to mention, all four years of her high school career, she jumped at the chance at any musical. And she got good parts too. It was usually never the main, main character, but she was always significant. And I always went to see her plays. My favorite definitely had to be Into The Woods, where she had the role of Little Red Riding Hood. That play will always remain as my favorite, because it was a totally chaotic musical. Imagine about ten of the most famous fairy tales ever and then slap them together in a total random situation. That's Into the Woods. I'll never forget the play. Such cool fluffage.

And then just one day, my mother took us both to the mall. My sister was being held in an audition and I forgot my reason for being there. I had to go pick up a cake for some birthday party or something. But I ended up waiting there for about a frikkn hour while people went on a make-shift stage and read off monologues and auditioned for comercials and enrollment in their classes or whatever. I remember nothing until she went on stage and acted out her monologue. Ate ... was... phew... she was so into it, almost to the point of me shrinking down in my chair and denying my very existance as her sister. But then, I finally noticed the faces of the people who were holding the audition. It was almost comical, and it was something I thought I'd only see in movies and in stories. My sister was completely oblivious to them, seeing as she was so into her role, but they were actually looking at each other and giving the slightest nods of their heads. Made me want to jump out of my chair and cheer my @ss off. I didn't. And they called her over to the table.

New York. Get this. New. York. All the way across the country where 300 talent agents were waiting to snatch up any opportunity to create a superstar. Out of all the people that were there, they were only aloud to choose 2-3 people. My sister was one of them.

But there was a little something that I hadn't noticed. My parents were the ones who were going to pay for this if they went through with it.

Yeah. That's how it was.

They never mentioned it again, and it's almost like it never happened. She's practically forgotten about it by now. I'm pretty sure it comes across her mind every now and then. But then again, now that she's in college, she doesn't have a lot of time left to herself. Programming's a b*tch, so she says.

She's got it pretty good now as a Computer Science Major.

But you know what? Yeah, she's still got regrets. And sometimes, I know she thinks about what might've happened. But, everything's cool now.

I dunno.... Mmm... I think maybe I'm overreacting about this whole thing. Just like me to overreact about the stupidest thing. Trying to make it some kind of sitcom/Drama.

Damn it.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Sibling Nonsense

Siblings suck. They confuse the hell out of me. One minute they're cool and another minute they turn all evil on me.

My sister: she's the oldest and I'm sorry to say that she's always annoying. She tries to be buddy buddy with me, but I can feel the phonyness slipping out of her voice. It's annoying as hell. I know I should appreciate her efforts, but there's just something inside of me that resents the fact that a person can't even sound sincere when she is. It could be the fact that she's one of those popularity buffs that everyone seems to know. And it means that she's pretty good at that kinda stuff. Or maybe it's the fact that she's been an actor most of her life, and has done all in her power to pretend that her life really is part of a TV show, thus backfiring on her when it matter most.

Erm... maybe not. Not like I matter anyway. Maybe it's the fact that we're on different wavelengths as a person. Who knows. Ah well, I love her anyway, I guess.

And my brother: he's in the middle, second youngest (I'm the youngest of course). He's cool most of the time, but if you asked me, he's the most confusing of all.

I remember how it used to be between us. We used to try to be buddy buddy only when the occasion called for it, and showing any and all ... niceness... was against the unwritten code of sibling rivalry. Any time we were nice to each other was either for show or just for the sake of being a brother / sister.

And I used to like it like that. Because whenever I thought of doing that friend/brother thing, I always got flustered. Who did that kind of thing really?

Well, it wasn't that I didn't want him to be my brother. He was a cool enough person to get along with, and he wasn't the nastiest person in the world when it came to dealing with people.

But see- society is like that. Whether people acknowledge it or not, it tells people that siblings should fight all the time and think of each other as out of date and too different to be cool. They should think their younger sister and little brothers are too naiive and stupid to get anything. They're not worth getting along with. They say it all the time in dramas and books. In commercials and ads. Made me sick because I couldn't do a thing.

So that's how it always was. If he didn't pester me, I didn't pester him. It was a mutual thing, and it was a line we didn't bother to draw.

But then something happened while my sister was away at college. I used to wonder what I would do since my sister was away. She always insisted on me hanging out with her and pestering me, and it was a good thing. I used to enjoy her company. It gave me something to do during those slow days where nothing happened. So I often found myself hanging out in the kitchen cooking food and reading comic books.

I still remember exactly what totally tipped the scale on our relationship. My relationship with my brother, I mean. I still can't believe how simple it was. I made a sandwich for him. A Stupid. Frikkn. Sandwich. I gave him a sandwich. And I did it casually too. I knocked on his door and said, "Hey, I made a sandwiches and I don't think I can finish it all by myself. Ya want some?" I handed him his food and walked out without a second thought. Now I didn't expect anything in return, but a few weeks later, my parents got angry at me and he saved me. He told my mom that it's fine and he pulled me away to talk to me about it. All he told me was, "Just don't do it again, Dee." and he went off again. But it was just the fact that he had pulled me away form a potentially gut-wrenching lecture and saved me from it. He never used to do that.

The exact order of things are still unclear, but I remember having an emotional breakdown for some reason. It was a stupid reason to break down, but everything was just piling up on me and I didn't know it. And you would think you saw it coming. I didn't. it scared the hell out of me. I didn't see it at all. Breakdowns come when the stupidest things happen! Something as simple as getting pissed off over a dropped fork can trigger a breakdown. I swear, it's the stupidest f*cking thing!!

My brother's room and sister's are directly above the other and when we have the windows open, we can hear each other watch TV or listening to music. A number of times my sister has gotten angry over not being able to sleep because the racket my brother sometimes made.

And my sister and I have separate rooms, but I sleep in her room in the other twin bed. And on that particular day, I went into her room when I had the breakdown. I came up angry and wanted to be alone. (She was off at college and wasn't there) Then I cried. Everything seemed to come crashing down for the first time. I had never had a breakdown before and it was a little scary. I kept on saying the weirest things too, "I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here." But I was already home. Where the hell else was there to go? I wanted to talk to someone so my mouth was going so fast my mind couldn't stop and think, "Why did I say that?"

My brother heard me and we had a small pep talk between the two windows. It was a lot more casual and normal than I thought it would be. It was late. I went to bed a little better off than I had come up. I went to sleep that night worrying that things would be weirder than ever before between us. He had caught me when I was most vulnerable.

I woke up the next morning and got ready for school. As my brother passed me on the stairs, he quietly and gently patted me on the back. It was never mentioned again.

A while after, my parents got angry at him for something he had forgotten to do. I pulled up my make-shift courage and changed the subject by walking in and asking if they could take me somewhere the next day. It seemingly broke their 'lecture' rhythm and concentration, and he was sent back to his room, his lecture chopped completely in half by my intrusion. I felt kind of embarrassed as expected for some reason, and I retreated back to my room in silence and in deep thought.

And it kept going. We kept doing really weird crap for each other, and eventually, I could never summon enough anger to be mad at him for anything. My temper always seemed to fizzle out when it came to him.

And then, here's when things really started to get going. My brother borrowed an old Ps1 from one of his friends and a whole bunch of games. I walked into his room with some Cup-o-noodle and gave it to him, no intention of staying whatsoever. So when he asked me, "Hey, I'm borrowing a bunch of RPG's from a friend. Wanna watch??", I was in complete shock.

And that was it. Now, whenever he plays any games, he calls me down and if I feel like watching I'll come to his room and sit on on the carpet below his bed.

Just... amazing...

I think maybe, if it wasn't the fact that being the opposite gender, I think that we might have been even cooler. But I'm pretty satisfied right now with how things are.

I'm still not sure what made me decide to butter up my brother with that one sandwich thing. It was just something random that eventually turned out really good.

I never asked for it.

It just happened.

I guess maybe the sh*t that you do doesn't really bounce of your brothers and sisters. They see things you think they're probably oblivious too. But they see it. They see everything. By God, they're so much smarter than you take them for.

See- I'm pretty sure that my brother was pretty surprised to find me doing random acts of kindness too. And it's not the kind of thing I like to do either. I guess some voice inside me dared me to spend two minutes doing something nice for my brother. I took the dare and I did it. And it was surprisingly easy. Whenever I did something nice for him, I always thought that it'd feel sappy and corny. It didn't.

But one thing's for sure... It was kinda... well, it was...

...worth it?

I remember a long time ago when I was munching away at something in the kitchen, "What college you think you're going to?"

He told me the name of the closest college to our house. I raised an eyebrow and earnestly asked,

"Why?"

And his answer was so g*ddamn simple,

"So I can stay here with you."

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Absent Destination

There's no point to my life.

It sucks. A lot.

Everyone around me seems to have aspirations to be something special. Strive to do something amazing with their life and show everyone else what they're made of. I think it's all just a bunch of bs. Sure, I'm glad people have things to look forward to, and that they have dreams to keep their hopes alive.

That's all good and well, dont get me wrong. But I just dont see why I should bother. I'm a bit indifferent about everything. Especially how the world works.

If I aspire anything, I'm hoping to find a new hobby. But nothing more. If I had a choice to be anything when I grow up, I'd hope maybe I'd be a cartoonist or an artist. There's just something about sitting in front of a desk and drawing with some good music playing in the background that makes me just wanna stay that way forever. Makes me feel like laughing at the world and yelling, 'Screw you all!' only to keep on drawing.

But it's not something I'd kill to get. Becoming an artist is just not a priority for me. It's just something that's pointing me somewhere. I'm only going in that direction because I don't know where else to go. Everything else seems so uncertain and I don't wanna take the chance of waking up some day and realizing that what I'm doing is not something I wanna live with. Even now, it doesn't feel right.

It seems my whole existance is based on trying to find something else to pass the time. Honest to God, when I say that I just don't care anymore, I mean it. I don't see the reason I should wake up to reality and run with a flow that's doomed to be forgotten anyway. I'm not sure what's actually important in this life, and maybe it's supposed to be that way for everyone. I hope it is. Because I don't want to be so alone.

If someone asked me what I'm doing with my life, I'd say I'm waiting. The problem is that I'm just not sure what I'm waiting for. I guess maybe something tells me that there is something coming in my future that'll make all this restlessness worthwhile. Something will change my life for the better and show me just what I've been missing all this time.

But as with waiting for anything, there's always restlessness.

I just find it so frustrating that I feel like I'm going to explode. Or rather, just break. I'm being pulled in so many directions right now to do something, but there's just nothing that I can do. There's nothing I have to do, but I still feel like I should be running around finding the cure for AIDS. But damn it all, I just don't know what the hell I should be doing. As if someone would just call up one day and tell me the meaning of life. As if it was that easy.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm lonely, and I long to literally feel someone touch my skin. Feel their warmth. Breathe in their scent and feel their arms around me. Feel safe. Just to feel f*cking content!! I never feel satisfied. But I just wanna feel that for even a little bit, so I can look back on the memory and relive it over and over until everything melts away. So that everything's okay again.

Damned fairy tales have gotten to me. Real life aint like that. Like I said before, it just isn't that easy. There are complications that shatter perfection to a point that we can't even sense its presence.

Time passes so slowly. And it seems like I'm getting nowhere. But I think maybe this is what I need. Well... just lemme but it this way, as a friend of mine once wrote...


Every second always
introduces another,
and nothing can stop that.
Just like nothing can stop
the next magical moment.
And each tick of the clock
pulls me just a little bit closer
to that moment.
So even if I cannot answer for you
who, what, where, how, or why,
I can always tell you
that I am a few seconds closer
than before.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Ahmaa dddyyyeee any second now...

She.... ALWAYS .... does this....... always......... I think I will not make it to my sixteenth birthday, which is a pretty long way off anyway....

Ugh... It's 7:13 am right now and I can use as many '...''s as I feel is right. No one should ever wake up this early. It should be outlawed and anyone with the slightest urge to get up before this time should be shot. I certainly feel like I've been shot anyway (in the head.)

Why am I awake at this time .... in the morning...? Well, my sister has summer school and work. I don't know which one she has today. Neither do I care. But she turned on the friggn light and made one hell of a racket in the bedroom while looking for her clothes. Then she went and turned on the light. And then she shuffled summore.

(Ps: I am AWARE ... that my grammar is not at its best...)

Then she had the nerve to leave the light on as she went into the closet to do something... or other.... whatever. Then, as I asked her, "Ate, can you hurry up?" She just sat there a minute.

I wanted to either smack my head against a doorframe, or I wanted to shoot myself in the head. FINALLY.... when she had the decency to turn the damned light off... she turns towards me and says, (note: while I'm still not conscious.) "You can turn off the light now." Okay. That pissed the sh*t out of me.

(PS: I am ALSO aware that my language is not exactly PG rated.)

See- the light's not THAT far away. It's reaching distance. But the thing is that it's just far enough so that its agonizing to try to reach when your body says, "I thought you were sleeping. Why you movin me? The hell are you doing! STOP THAT!!"

Hm.... I think I'm slightly more conscious. I'm slightly more peeved as well, but I'll leave it at that.

Seeing as I'm up, I might as well tell you of the latest development between mango and Pandesal. Apparently, the cheating thing is a misunderstanding. This.... so called... cheating .... was just a dirty AIM conversation. I'm still not sure what the hell was in the conversation that was bad enough to deppress Pandesal, but I'm just peeved that I thought it was something else. I thought it was actually serious for once, and it turns out to be nothing. I guess that relationships are kinda delicate like that.

I kinda celebrated when I found out it was nothing. I was like, "Yay!! More girlfriend and boyfriend sheepage for the two of them yay!!" And by sheepage, I mean nothing more than fluff. (It seems I'm not feeling very nonsensical today... wait a sec... is that right??? Oh fer Chrissakes, I need to wake up....). But this was obviously an intermission from cruel Fate, because there's been summore turbulence in their abtholutely thuper relationship. I can't really speculate on the matter, but I think maybe Pandesal's parents aren't exactly happy she has a boyfriend. She's only in Jr. High and a soon to be Froshie in Highschool. (Froshie ---> Freshman). And if I'm reading the signs correctly, they just might break up. But nothing has happened lately, but Miss Pandesal has currently severed her fluffage contact w/ micheal, and isn't able to call him for several days on end.

Meanwhile, Mango seems to be in agony as he is spazzing out. And I mean major spasmage. Desperate to get his mind off things, he talks to me on AIM for hours (well... not really, but ti seems like it). And let me tell you, our conversations don't exactly have the best of content. Some of out stupid AIM convos consist of exchanging utterly and excrutiatingly 'What-the-hell-is-this!?' web-sites (http://www2.b3ta.com/spidermanwillmakeyougay/) and my personal favorite: Xiao Xiao stick figure kung fu movies (http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=15849). (Oh yes- the part with the sticks sends DELIGHTFUL chills down my spine. I think I will watch it once more and get my dose of fighting stick figures today. ) Anyway, I'm no expert with relationships, but I'd say that for now, they're cooling it. Though my parents and hers aren't exactly on the best of terms, I'd think they still have contact with each other, seeing as they work in the same hospital. And since they have contact with each other, they must talk every once and a while- which right now, could mean pure chaos for poor Pandesal.

While watching our usual 'dinner and a movie with the whole family' night in our living room D Big screen....goooodd...) they started asking randomly about Pandesal's boyfriend. I tried to answer truthfully while shrugging it off as nothing. They were stubborn about it (as parents should NOT be) and before I knew it, we were into a conversation about what Pandesal does w/ her boyfriend. They've seen her making out in the neighorhood! IN FRONT OF OUR HOUSE!! Instead of kicking myself internally, I internally did a swan dive off a cliff. Go my luck, yes, torment me until I DIE!!!!

So, most likely, they wont see each other as often....

*pause*

Sarcastic and sadistic grin, And we all know what that means: Let the cheating begin!!! (no I don't really mean that....). There is not a smily in this world that could possibly explain how I feel right now. maybe ironic. Maybe hopeful.... but this thing probably comes closest right now. :nervous:.

Ugh... screw it. I wish them the best of luck. I'm not awake enough to give you any insightful words today. I think I'll just finish this post off before I fall asleep a-

*bangs head on keyboard* F*CKING SH*T I'm tired...

..... *pauses again* heheh... that's kind of funny... to imagine myself doing that... it's like *bang*-ING *bang*-IT!!. Ahahahahah!!!... just take a minute to imagine that yourself. *laughs to self.* .... ugh... tired.... spell check later... bed now... sleeep....

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Check, please...

I would like to apologize for any emotional damage my previous post may have caused. I take no responsibility for it and wish you many trips to the psychiatrist.

Anyway...

Watched the DVD Broadway version of my favorite play yesterday. . Lemme just put it this way... Whoo, there's something I'd rather see live. Trust me. It's good and all, but it's completely raw, if you know what I mean. There's just something about the way the characters are dressed and how they move about the small stage that makes me iffy about the whole play. The live version I had seen was held by my Ate's high school (which I am attenting now) when I was in seventh or eighth grade.

But none the less, whether it be live, or DVD: the music is something to marvel at. I'd love to get the soundtrack of the whole thing one day. Ah, well, enough of that now. Interesting things have been occuring and I've been itching to get them out of my system.

My Ate and my brother, whom I shall dub Kuya ("Koo-yaw" which is 'big brother' in Filipino), are constantly fighting over the smallest things. It almost seems that the moment they step into the same room, they're either blissfully ignorant of each other, or they are at each others throats. I'm sure that my parents have noticed it, but they don't have enough motivation to put a stop to it. They probably feel that there just isn't enough conflict to step in and say a word to those two. And as a result, I'm constantly stuck in the middle and I'm sick and tired of it. When will this torture end!?

Why am I always stuck in the middle? Let me put it this way: I'm the "trophy." The "prize." The thing (IMO not) worth fighting for. Why? because I'm the youngest. I don't know what the hell kind of logic that is, but it seems to be the thing they're most implying. Kuya and Ate are the older ones, and I guess since they're closer in age, some universal and non-existant law says that they should fight like there's no tomorrow. And thus begin the conflict.

Seems that, whenever they fight, I'm the one who suffers the casualty. One way or another, I get the short end of the stick. Everything is constantly clashing. Especially this one sushi bar incident. Didn't happen to long ago either.

The other day, my sister decided randomly that she would treat us out to dinner. She borrowed a bit of money from my mom and she drove us over to some sushi bar. We didn't have a lot of money so we had to scrounge a little bit when we picked what we ate. I sat in between the two as in tradition. I've been stuck in the middle of the both of them most of my life: in the movie theater, in restaraunts, in the car and ... yeesh... and during LONG road trips we sometimes take. It's not the fairest of arrangements, but hey!! During road trips, I have a pillow (Ate) and a place to put my feet (Kuya) so I don't have to strain my back by sitting upright the whole time. And yes, he lets me do that.

But I digress. Back to the sushi fluffage.

Well, after we finished up and ate the last of our deserts, Ate paid the tab and we headed off for home. I was surprised. Considering how much I always ate, and also considering how frikkn skinny I am, I didn't eat too much. Erm... well... gettin side-tracked here...

We were going to see a movie, but for some reason, the two of them didn't feel like going to the theater. It was right next door to the Sushi bar, but I guess that just being conveniently close wasn't enough for the two. So we were going to watch the new DVD that our Dad had bought a little while ago at home. I felt a little disappointed- but overall happy.

And here's where the trouble started. We were walking off to the car to head home when my sister randomly asked Kuya something. Ate owed Kuya some money and he had been waiting a couple of weeks for her to pay him back. Ate walked up to him and said that there was a little extra and she had to use some of her own money to pay for it. So she asked if she could take it out of her debt and my brother got angry.

Ate's reason for being angry: She always gets angry when someone gets peeved at her anyway. It's a defense mechanism that pisses the sh*t out of all of us. Reason number two: If he'd have known that she'd ask to take it out of her debt, he'd never have come out on the brother/sister outing.

Kuya's: He needed the money he lent her because he wanted to go on another paintball skirmish sometime soon. Besides, it was out of our parent's money so why should he pay for it. He didn't know that she'd take it out of his own money.

My reason: Gee- I was hoping for a really cool outing w/ my brother and sister in a place where I love to be. ONE. A single uneventful evening of relaxation and fun...

Gee, thanks guys.

But during the (silent) ride back home, I kind of cooled off a little bit. I did some kind of silly meditation thing that worked remarkably well. And then, here's where even more trouble started. During the car ride home, my sister asked if I wanted to go to her friend's house. Her friend (which I shall call Sushi) and her sister (whom I shall call Tuna) were only expecting my sister to come over, but she decided to take me along for some reason. I'm pretty good friends with Tuna, so I found that it was actually nice to go over to their house every now and then so I said yes. But that left the question of my brother: What about him? Obviously, he was just going to stay home and fool around with neighborhood friends. He didn't seem to mind though. He did it often enough.

But last but not least: that meant I'd have to choose whether to stay home or whether to go to Tuna and Sushi's house. It was the most excrutiating moment I had ever felt in my life. I jumped out of the back and opened the door to get into the front, passenger seat beside my sister.

But Kuya just stood there a moment and waved me over to him. My sister didn't say anything but, "You don't have to go with me, you can stay home you know." She tried to loosen the atmosphere, but in doing so she only made things worse. It's was that f*cking push and pull thing going on between them. It took me about thirty of the longest seconds my my life debating with myself. This kind of sh*t never happened in real life!! It didn't!! Well, it wasn't supposed to anyway.

But I ended up going over to my brother and asking what he wanted. Luckily, for me, he changed his mind or something and only wanted to whisper to me, "You know, she's only asking you to go to get back at me, right?" rather than stay home with him.

It sounded like the most conceited thing in the world, right? Wrong. Because I knew that it was completely true. I nodded in sad agreement, but went back to the car anyway.

The saddest thing happened next. I swear, it was the kind of stuff that'd make some people just start full out crying. Someone called my sister's cell phone and she picked it up while driving. It was a friend of hers who wanted to go out. I listened to the one-sided conversation and knew immediately what was going to happen. She was going to drop me off at Tuna's house while she went off with her friend.

She really was only asking me to come to get back at Kuya.

But then again, it wasn't really something that I didn't expect. I saw it coming a mile away. I didn't feel like crying. I didn't feel angry. Well, maybe a little bit. But it was more like disappointment laced with anger and a touch of laughter. But it there wasn't any sadness. Just irony, I guess.

You know, sometimes, I'm tired of being stuck in the middle. It hurts. It's not the kind of hurt that makes you cry. It's just there. Lingering. And it sucks.

Sometimes I wonder, not to be corny or something, whether they realize that I'm really a person. And that I'm not just there for the sake of being there. I have my own reasons and intentions.

Besides- who ever said I was worth fighting for anyway? What right do they have to fight over me? Use me as leverage against each other. Who do they think they are!?

Do they really think I can't see what they're trying to do?

...honestly... one of these days, they'll finally think of me as a person... but as for right now...


...


I guess, to them, I'm only 'here for the food.'

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Random-ish

Erm... this post has absolutely no point entirely. Ah, well, let the randomness commence.

...


It is official: I have commited culinary suicide.

I woke up groggy as hell two days ago. My morning pretty much went like this:

Wake up. Hungry. Go downstairs.

Look through cupboards. Nothing to eat... in the back... ready to serve mushrooms. Grab can. Head to fridge.

*heavenly music* Eggs. 3.

Heat pan and start cooking eggs.

Munch on mushrooms.

Sneeze.

Accidentally drop can of mushrooms into pan of scrambled eggs.

Stare for long period of time.

Continue cooking like nothing happened.

Go back upstairs. Eat.

Living room. Watch TV.

Surf internet for hour.

Pause....

Realization: I forgot the salt.

Yes. Just an interesting tidbit I thought that maybe I'd like to share with all of you.

Anyway, the other day, my father called home while he was at work and asked if a package had come to the house yet. I said no, and we said good-bye and hung up. I didn't know what he was waiting for, but I figured it was his business. Ever since my father discovered E-bay, we've been receiving mysterious packages addressed to him. No doubt, more trinkets for his computers and for his passion for ballroom dancing.

But, I was caught off guard when my brother walked into the room at God knows what hour holding a big white box grinning insanity like he had fallen down the stairs and sued the @sshole who had been unfortunate to be standing beside him at the time. (Bad comparison, I don't care.)

I fell out of bed when I noticed three life-changing letters written plainly in blue across the box:

D....

S....

L....

Yes. My father had gotten DSL. Be and my brother literally did a little victory jig/dance. My sister yelled at us to get out of the room so she could sleep. She didn't even catch a glimpse of the box, and I don't think she knows that the DSL had arrived yet.

I'm still not clear on the subject of DSL, though because I've been living through the hell of a modem most of my life. All I know is that its speed is legendary and it can let me die a happy woman. Well, not really. I still have to fall in love first. And get a boyfriend. I have to admit, there are some worthwhile guys out there. And frankly, many of them are hot. Ahah.... I .... just... haven't found any that like me yet. Yes, there are some out there who currently are interested in me, but I just don't feel the so called 'burning and desperate' passion I expect when I'm supposed to fall in love.

I think maybe that I misunderstand men. I think that a lot of women do too.

My theory on the whole thing is perhaps that men are just this: simple. They are simple. Not in a bad way, but simple in a way that lets them be sure of themselves and not have to deal with small trivial matters that women find themselves bothering with all the time.

Women on the other hand are much, much more complicated and thus expect men to be so. But since men are in fact simpler, we misunderstand and find ourselves perceiving them as different than ourselves and not worth figuring out. And therefore... 'complicated' towards us.

God, I hope he's out there.

The one for me, I mean. I know there is that one person out there, but I also know that there are a lot of people on the way who can touch your life just as easily. And some who can brush you aside just as easily as well. And it's scary because I'm still waiting for someone ideal for me. I'm fully aware that it is bad to have such high standards when looking for someone, but I can't help myself. I know what I want in a man and I like to feel that I have a choice.

I just hope that this destiny trip has this boy on the way to my house.

I'm getting impatient, though. I know I shouldn't be impatient, but as I mentioned before. I just want someone to hold me like that. Something to make me feel nice.

I haven't felt anyone's touch in a long time. Lately, no one has hugged me and I'm starting to feel like I need one. No one has had their hand around my shoulder. No one has held my hand. Maybe it's just that there has just been such a lack of contact that my mind is only registering it now. I think I need someone right now. No, I know I need someone, in fact. I just wish I knew who it was.

Eehh... I'm droning on again.

Anyways, my father also went on a DVD spree. He bought the DVD special edition Lord of the Rings or something. Along with Resident Evil and Collateral Damage, Dragonfly and such. Needless to say, our family movie night was exciting. (And long... Lord of the rings: 3 hours. Resident Evil: 1 1/2 hour. Collateral Damage: Looonng kind of boring 1 and 1/2 hour. Dragonfly: 1 and 1/2 hour).

Eheheh.... my mother fell asleep during Lord of the Rings. She never fails to fall asleep during movies. A prime example of her habit in action was during the Matrix. In a movie theater. When my mother falls asleep, she has the most amazing talent to sleep throughout the movie and then wake up during the climax and ask, "Hey, what happened?" or "Who's that guy?" or "I thought he was dead!!"

My father is the worst person to watch movies with too! If he thinks the movie being watched is fun to tease, then he will make an impossible number of remarks throughout the whole thing. He is top in his field. There's no one who causes the movies that I watch with him to come crashing down in flames more than he can.

My sister overreacts to everything. She gets so worked up over angsty or suspense movies. She puts so much feeling into watching movies that my 'aura sucks her feelings right up' and causes me to 'absorb' everything. So to speak. It's actually just that she's so tense, I can't help feeling tense around her too. Drives me insane. So now, instead of a person with a movie composure, I will suddenly become 'annoying girl in theater who insist on scream hysterical like when monster go RAAH RAAH!!'

I should probably wrap this up now, seeing as it's already 5 in the morning. I should really stop watching Anime with my brother at night- I'm mangling my internal clock. Keeps me up longer because once he wants to go to bed, I always want to stay up just a little bit longer. So I go surf on the internet until I drop to the floor and drag myself to my bed.

Alas, gravity works and I feel myself drawn to the floor. I bid you all a good night. Please wish me luck and Godspeed to my bed. May no comic books cause me to stray.

Night, folks.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Once again, happiness eludes me....

It's been a while since I last posted. Ah well. Just think of it as a temporary break from my complaining and b*tching.

Hm... first things first: Shoutouts to Moga2 and Dichotomy who made me feel more than insignificant when they poked at me while my journal was in a coma. Thanks guys. I feel loved.

And be sure to check out Dichotomy's journal: http://66.250.47.168/mb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7417 Interesting computer stuffage, if you're into that kind of fluff like I am. . Besides- He mentioned me in it. XD. I feel even more loved.

Well, nothing new's been happening lately, and I haven't really thought about the meaning of life in the past few weeks, so here's another pointless post to add to the pile.

Just got off the phone with some guy. No- he's not my significant other, in case you're interested. It was close, I think, but I don't think a relationship was what he was looking for at the time. And I think it was my fault for longing so hard for one. Life's ironic like that.

See, I don't think there's anything between us and I think we're just chat-buddies. We call each other whenever we're bored and a lot of our conversations involve talking about nothing at all. We met at an ice breaker of the Filipino culture club we have at our school. It was pretty funny how we met though.

There was a small shortage of paper cups and the both of us were really thirsty that night and we kept coming back. Pretty soon, only a few cups were left and we had to put our names on them. But it wasn't really effective seeing as the pens there were completely EVIL and b*tchworthy. We started joking about our names being shorter than they really were and that's how we made first contact.

Thus the generally normal human meets the unruly but reclusive young fifteen year old female.

And then, the most amazing thing happened. There was a project a while ago called the Women's Place project where our school made table settings with symbols and colors that represented one woman. We were to make a report, and then write a toast along with the design of the table setting. After a week or so of them being presented to our parents, some other school went on a field trip to see it. And our class was asked to stay an hour or something after school to explain any symbols the person asked about in the session.

And he came again. I think I'll call him... Whisp. Because that's just how it was with him.

He attended the school that came over to see the presentation and I saw him come by my table and I asked him if I had seen him before just to get him to start talking about something besides the presentation. (Heheh) So we started really talking and eventually, it ended up with him talking about the dance that was coming up. It was a get together that involved both our schools and he mentioned that he didn't have a ride there.

I took a long shot and said that I might be able to take him. I nearly tripped over myself when he gave me his number. I'm still kind of laughing about it right now.

But we called each other and started talking again. There was a small window that we could have become involved with each other romantically. A chance. But eventually our talks dragged out too long, and I'm pretty sure we both knew that the longer we talked to each other, the less likely we would become girlfriend-boyfriend.

Kind of sad.

I started talking online with his friend... (whenever I dub someone as a name from now on, I'll just say--> WID) Cheesypoof because I went to school with him in junior high. And then he started talking about how Whisp was slow at first for me but then "now it's 'Muy caliente!" I wasn't sure what was going on. He was really hyper at the time and we were going at it in a nonsense contest. Had he really said that Whisp liked me? I asked him if he had heard that Whisp liked me. He said, yeah he was talking about me during a conversation.

I went nuts for a couple of months over him. Whisp, I mean. I waited for him to call me, and I went on the fritz every time the phone calls came. Even my friends noticed me change a little bit when it came to the subject of guys. They asked about him and I finally spilled to a couple of close friends. But eventually I decided to ask Cheesypoof a final time whether he was lying or not. He said he wasn't and I asked him, "Did he say anything about me though?" He had said something about me in the conversation he had a while ago. I asked him exactly what Whisp had said.

"Yeah, she's nice."

And that's it. I sat in front of the computer, blank and indifferent. I tried once more and typed again.

"That's all he said??"

"Well, yeah."

"..."

F*cking bastard...

And to think I actually thought he liked me for a while. It's kind of funny now that I think about it.

And my interest in him has been on Hiatus ever since. I had always hoped that maybe there was a chance that he could get interested in me if he hadn't been in the past. Maybe if I called him enough, or if our conversations were cooler. Or maybe if he actually asked me places.

So I waited.

And then, he called today. It's official. No relationship. Just chat-buddies. He didn't say it exactly, but there's always a point in time where you're absolutely sure of something. It's just something you feel. And you know you're more sure than anything else. We were talking about a workshop he had attended about Filipino culture and such, and he talked about paying attention to this one girl because she had a pretty face.

But in real relationships now a days, it's taboo to be attracted to anyone in the opposite sex unless its the person he or she is talking to in person or on the phone. If they do, it means they trust you not to get jealous. As weird as it sounds, it's so goddamn true.

It's been official since then: Whenever I make a big deal about anything at all, it turns out to be... well, nothing at all. It's actually my luck in general. I have the kind of luck that sort of squashes out anything that makes me genuinely happy. Time and time again, I try to pretend that maybe my luck will turn around and give me a memory that I'll like to look back on and smile at. And time and time again, it seems to always flip upsidedown and send me spiralling down towards embarrassment. It never fails.

And that goes for a lot of things. I can't even remember when I last laughed. I mean, actually laughed out loud because something was worth laughing at or when I was having fun. All were actually forced to make friends feel good about being funny. Or I just laughed because the situation called for it.

I can't stand it anymore. Now a days all I feel is anger, restlessness, sadness, indifference, paranoia and etc.

In fact- there's a song about this too... It's called Consequence, by Incubus. It's a little bit like I feel right now. Quirky and generally weird. Heh. Why don't you download it sometime. It helps me whenever life feels too ironic.

But if anything, I'd like to think I came out of this a little bit wiser...

If not a little bit more miserable.

And in the twisted paraphrasing of a Shakespearean actor I once again bid you good night:

"And thus, with a rant, I die..." or rather, um... *cough cough* "...leave."

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Identification Indecencies...

It's 9:44 am, and I think I have lost the will to live... well, that and the will to look good for my school pictures today.

School hasn't officially started yet, but from 9am - 1pm, students are supposed to pick up our books and get our pictures taken. But as for me, I'm currently surfing the internet waiting for (WID) Taki to come pick me up. She's my ride today, but I really have no idea when she's supposed to come around my house. It's not the best of arrangements, but is an arrangement none the less.

My previous post has returned to haunt me, seeing as a rather undignified pimple has attached itself to my nose in a last ditch effort to scar me for life.

Yay.

Neither can I find a brush to straighten out my hair. And I'm pretty sure that if I was more conscious, I would be pointing at my reflection and laughing like the idiot I am. I'm not quite enthusiastic about today, seeing as I forgot to meditate this morning and the rest of my body is screaming for me to sit still a minute and to just breathe.

Surprisingly, I have found sanity and sanctuary from the world when I take five minutes to sit in a chair and think about nothing. It's seriously a lifesaver, and according to research, makes you somewhat healthier and able to function better. And best of all, you don't have to follow any rules. As for me, when I meditate, it must be every morning and every night before bed. I've got to be sitting upright, eyes closed, somewhat quiet room... and just breathe in and out. Focus on nothing but your breathing. And if my mind wanders, I take it as a sign that my head is trying to remind me or tell me about something. I take a note in my head and focus on breathing again.

Often times, it takes time for me to settle into be comfortable with it. I feel anxious to be somewhere else and to be doing something constructive. But, I find that if I sit still long enough, the feeling eventually subsides and gives way to a better feeling of tranquility. Corny, but definitely worth it.

It's nice. But my family probably thinks I'm nuts whenever they walk in on me and ask me something. Often times, while I'm meditating, I feel agitated whenever I get interrupted and all I can do is growl in reply.

But I find that they can go think whatever they want. Meditating makes me feel better and if they don't like it, they can just go bother someone else.

Anyway, my day, pretty much is probably going to be very enjoyable, but with very unpleasant quirks littered about. How do I know? I can always tell how a day is going to end up like by seeing how the morning plays out. If I feel good and quite inspired, I'll find that my day unfolds so much better than on days where I step out of bed and immediately stub my toe on the nearby dresser.

Alas, I feel that my muse has left me once again. I will return later to update you on what I pretty much expect to be a ironic twist of events that is my day.

PlatonicTeddys signing off...

*~*~*~*~*~*

Whoo... yay. It's been about three days and I've finally had a chance to finish this post.

Nothing really interesting happened on that supposed first day. All I had to do was go and pick up my books, pay for them with a blank check my mother gave me and take some pictures. Nothing much really happened there.

But there had been quite the nice quirk afterwards. Taki asked her mother if we could go out shopping and we drove the clerk who had to tend to us absolutely nuts. It all started when we came to the store and began what looked like a swatting war with each other. Eventually, our eyes were drawn to the clothing around us and we finally calmed down long enough to pick off a few clothes from the racks there.

I only got to play around with the clothes, seeing as I was completely broke and without my wallet, I couldn't get anything. But I tried some on, just for the fun of it. I was laughing my @ss off when Taki came around and poked at me. She was ready to head into the dressing room, but unfortunately, she had gotten about fifteen of them and she could only take about 6 into the dressing room with her.

I only had about four in hand and and I had mercy and took some of hers into the room as mine.

More chaos: you know that little hangar gadget they give you that has the number of clothing in you bring in there? I lost it... Interesting experience when we both were jumping up and down to make sureit hadn't latched itself onto our clothes. The clerk was looking at us like we were crazy until we retreated to her and told her we had lost her little number card.... gadget.. thing...

Lucky for me I found it two doors down. Heh. I still am convinced it got up and ran across by itself just to make fun of my stupidity.

Anyway, nothing else exciting happened. We headed home and I used the rest of the weekend to finish my half-written essay.

A pretty fruitless and unexciting weekend. Well, except for the fact that I had a sudden revelation: I'm afraid of the ocean... I don't know why. I guess maybe it's how I see the world. Way too big, one too many sharks in the ocean, and it tastes like sh*t. Well, more like salty rather than like sh*t, but hey- it's so damn salty it might as well be. Hm. I'll end this post so I can start another one. Two days of school finished, unknown number of remaining days to go...

Ah, well. Whatever will be will be, and I'm caught in the flow of how things are. Hopefully, I'll learn how to stay afloat a little bit longer even if I end up drowning in the end.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

2 Down... God knows how many to go...

First two days of school were a bit chaotic. Hell, they still are. I'm definitely having a difficult time, trying to find enough time to put some effort into the things I do academically as well as find time for my family and for myself. I really think that I never had enough time, even in the summer. Now, it almost feels like I'll never have time for anything personal again.

Well, I'm a sophomore now, and knowledge of me being Freshman class mascot is slowly fading, as it should. People are beginning to forget my face. I hope that my memory as mascot completely fades. When I think of her, I know for sure that it was an attempt to find out what kind of person I was. I found out and I don't like it. I tried being noticed. I tried being a preppy cheerleader. It's nice and all, but it's just not my thing.

But I think I may have sparked some positive and negative ambitions for my friends. How so? Many of them wanted to try out this year, and perhaps even with an ambition to try out next year. I'm all for them when it comes to this, but I think their view of what it means to be a cheerleader is dramatically twisted and distorted because of my position. If they do make cheerleader, I'm convinced they'll be hit (painfully) with the realization that perhaps it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's just another popularity contest, and if your friends aren't on the squad, then it's pretty definite that you've found another personal hell to wallow in.

But enough of that. You all pretty much know that popularity contests are a b*tch and that everyone on earth is hopelessly shallow.

On a lighter note, the first real day of school did not pass by without mishap. First of all, I walked into the wrong class. Second of all, it wasn't harrowing enough for me to want to duck down and crawl into a hole somewhere. I actually still find it pretty funny, myself.

It happened when I was rushing upstairs to the top floor of the building (from all away across campus- Go me...) when I stepped into the classroom of what I had hoped to be Spanish II in room 208. I sat down and noticed that I didn't know anyone in class. I shrugged it off and thought that it was unfortunate, but not unfortunate to brood over for too long. So what if my Spanish II experience wasn't going to be the best. Screw it. Might as well grin and pretend like you know what you're doing.

Before long, the bell rang and the teacher walked in with a greeting to the class. She started speaking in Spanish and I could understand most of it, so I shrugged off the fact that Spanish I students usually don't have teachers speak to them in full-blown fluent spanish until later in the year. I figured that I had probably just needed review and had forgotten most of it. Most everyone who had taken a foreign language last year admitted to wiping it from their memory when the first day of summer blessed us with its presence. But I changed my mind when she suddenly went into overdrive with words I literally tilted my head at and coughed maniacally.

Then, I noticed the board. 203. Spanish III.

Nevermind the fact that 203 looks dangerously like 208. Nevermind that I spend the first five minutes comfotably in the wrong class. Nevermind the fact that II has one less I than III. Nevermind that it was an amazing coincidence it was another SPANISH class and not Biology or Geometry... Just mind the fact that I had to sneak out of that one and come into my real class tardy. But at least the teacher had mercy on me when I told her about my mishap. A lot of sophomores had been confuzzled with the new building and all and had experienced similar spoofables. So I actually think it's funny enough to laugh at and not beat at myself for, which is a refreshing change from the status quo.

And here's another favorable change: I really, really like my World History teacher. She's seriously the most interesting teacher I've ever had. She actually makes me want to learn the bastardly subject of History. Normally, I'd trying to figure out if it was even possible to sleep with one's eyes open. But, no, she's actually one of those teachers people see in movies where they're sincerely inspirational and in my own words, 'one worth staying conscious for.' Oh, and brownie points to her for being the only teacher to assign homework on the first day that actually made me think. I'm not complaining that the other teachers gave us fly-by homework, but still. It's a plus and downright says something about how the rest of the year's going to be.

I think I like her, I really do. I even found myself doing one hell of a first assignment for her. Took me a few hours just to finish the drawings.

Anyways, I am very happy with my Internet class as well. Taki and (WID) Jay are in the same class as I am and I find it much easier to wreak havoc when two of your friends are allowed to sit within three feet of you. Besides, computers and technology are a major interest of mine. Anything computers, you know I've got a passion for it. And it's especially beneficial that I'm a nut with the capability to type over 60 words per minute and still improving.

It's amazing the accomplished feeling you get when you've done school work that you've actually put some effort into. Last year, I cruised by my classes, not giving a sh*t whether I got a good grade or not. This year's had a great start and I hope that it continues to stay that way.

Oh, this just in: I think I've definitely breached a barrier with my sister the other day. I'm not quite sure what did it, but I think I'm doing a double take of my sudden-jump-relationship with my brother. It's going to be an ongoing struggle, but I'm determined to be a real sister to her. I think it may have been a few nights ago when she woke up and was convinced that there was a demon following her around. Not a real demon, per say, but probably her negative emotions manifesting themselves and affecting her ability to 'function'. She woke me up at about 3 in the morning and I went downstairs with her and ate cereal with her. I didn't give a crap that I had to wake up three hours later and that I had only gotten 2 hours so far. I had to grin and bear it out of concern for my sister. Lucky for her, it turned out to be just a sinus headache. Lol. But it still was a start. It was hell to wake up the next morning, but I think it might just be worth it if I can bring up my relationship with my sister to the next level.

Hnn.... But I think the relationship with my brother is suffering. Now that school has started, I've found that I don't have enough time for him. Jesus, I want to spend more time with him, I do, but with all the schoolwork and the stress of having seven classes, I think I'm going to crash and burn. I don't know if I'll make it this year without a free-block. We'll have to see. I think I'll just have to start making more sacrifices on my part for his sake. I love the guy and I don't want him to start drifting away when we've just gotten to be this close. Hell no. I'm not letting him go without a fight, dammit. There is no way it's going to go down like this.

It'll take time to figure out everything at once. I'm going to have to make some decisions and have to get my priorities straight.

So, Kuya, wait for me.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Thrice Exiled

The past few days have been shockingly frantic to a simple mind such as mine. I have found, though that as the days pass, things pass by so quickly that I find it increasingly difficult to write them all down in the journal. Pretty soon, I might have to resort to using my mornings to finish up incomplete entries or to start new ones. I’ll have to see.

Friday, though, was the catalyst for the chaos that ensued my weekend. I had been looking forward to that day, because the MixXer was later that night from 8pm-11pm.

Oh.. hell! -- I'm being kicked off the net. I'll finish the post tomorrow morning.

I'll see you all then...

PlatonicTeddys signing off....

*~*~*~*~*~*

So anyway, here I am wasting away the bulk of my morning trying to finish up a post that was supposed to be updated about midnight last night. Go me.

So, to continue where I left off last night, I was anxiously waiting the night of the MixXer (Dance where all local high schools are invited to attend) and Taki, once again was going to be my ride there.

I spent the majority of my time waiting reading manga and wasting away the hours watching anime. I figured that it was an hour or two before Taki would call me up and ask if I was ready. And I was pretty confident then, about my resolve to actually go to the mixXer.

But upon reaching the appointed hour, a feeling of dread settled upon me and I found myself actually not wanting to go at all. Of course, it was an immediate spur of the moment feeling and I brushed it off without a second thought. But expectedly, once Taki did come to pick me up, I was already settling into a mellow and a bit of a quiet mood. Needless to say, the sudden change in personality was a bit of a surprise to Taki and she even commented on it a few times. Even tried to get my mind off whatever it was that was bothering me.

We got to the MixXer and I do suppose that the beginning part of the dance was really fun. The first mixXers of the year are said to be the best and most of the people I know find themselves obligated to go. More often than not, I find myself going on these grounds as well. What more do I need, anyway?

But according to my Kuya and Ate, ever since my brother finished Sophomore year, the mixXers have been going down in terms of quality and cool fluffage-factor. And considering how crappy that last one was, I'd have to agree.

Okay, so my opinion is a bit biased... But maybe if I could figure out just what the hell had gotten into me that had caused me to be so deppressed near the end, then maybe I could shake of the judgmental b*tch-mode. But in the mean time, I'll have to be pretty content with the fact that I actually called my parents to take me home a half an hour earlier. I had to wait outside for about twenty minutes alone in front of te Gym where they were supposed to pick me up.

I felt pretty horrabibble out there damn near midnight all by my lonesome self. (No I wasn't really alone. Our High school was smart enough to hire some security guards to patrol the place and watch over the students who were already waiting outside for their own rides.) My brother inevitably saved me that night by offering his cell phone for me to use it for emergencies before I left. So I used this opportunity to call him up at home and talk to him while I waited.

And I'm still not sure why, but I nearly broke out into tears as I spoke with him in those short fifteen minutes. Near waterworks. If it hadn't been dark I swear I would have thrown myself into the street out of embarrassment. Lucky for me, my voice wasn't cracking on the phone and the tears didn't fall down when my parents finally arrived. So no one knows how near I was to another breakdown.

If I look back at it now, I think I can come up with some logical answers.

One: I had spotted Pandesal and Mango at the MixXer cuddling. The thing with their parents has pretty much blown over and now they're on overdrive with seeing each other. Just the ironic thought of me having no one else to go nuts over me, caused my loneliness to skyrocket.

Second of all because I spotted a couple of Freshman there. They were a year yougner than me, but we had spent elementary school with each other, so age didn't matter. We talked a couple of minutes, but we were really distant and eventually broke off to find out own groups once more. And that just did nothing but pull me down even lower than I already had been. They were people who I used to get a long with really well and who I sincerely wished that I was still cool with.

It pisses me off how a single year can cause a stable and reassuring relationship to fade away to nothing. It's so easy to lose sight of your friends.

Out of sight, out of mind really does ring true. Even when it comes to hollow promises of 'Best Friends Forever.'

But I should really come to expect something like this. Relationships aren't something that you can build up and then let it run on its own. From hard lessons of my own, I've learned that it just doesn't work that way. It's painstaking and difficult work to keep a good relationship with anyone you care about. Both family and friends like.

That's the real world, ladies and gentlemen. And I should really get over it.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Love, Daddy

2 hours of community service has been completed at the local nursing home two minutes away from my house.

It's required. The High school I go to has a requirement of aprox. 15 hours of community service to be done by the end of your sophomore year. 8 of those hours are to be spent working with the elderly.

I think I feel sick. I don't think I'll be able to take six more hours in that place. I swear, sometimes I get the chills, and sometimes it outright scares the sh*t out of me. Today I think the scale pretty much leaning towards scaring the sh*t out of me. It makes me incredibly grateful that the other 7 hours can be spent doing whatever we want instead of having to work all 15 with the elderly. Thank God.

No. I'm not that cruel. I don't find the elderly disgusting at all. I don't find them disgusting in the least. It's not like they want to be helpless and it's not like they want to lose control of their bodily functions. They were like me once. One of them even went to the High school I go to now.

What scares me is the fact that many of the stories are true. And I know I'm not the first because I've actually heard some 'survival stories' from many of my classmates and upperclassmen about the elderly and how horrible an experience they had. Different things happened for different people. Some enjoyed it, and some had meaningful experiences. But each account seems to be different, but at the same time, similarly eerie and equally ... scary...

Along with Me, Taki and (WID) Kates, two other people from our school showed up to work the same time as we did. (WID) Bell and (WID) Apples. But it really did nothing to comfort me, when it came down to facing what I had always loathed ever since I saw my grandfather. Ever since I saw my grandfather in a wheelchair...

I cant...

It doesn't feel right. I dont...

Dammit...

Anyway, the first part of our community service actually was as simple as helping the residents of the nursing home to play Bingo. And from the looks of it, the High School volunteers were pretty much trying with all their might to stay awake. Honest to God, I dont think any of them were trying to be rude, including myself. But we couldn't help it. We love giving to the community, but being the restless teenagers we were, the hours seemed to drag on for eternity.

Another part of our volunteering duties turned out to be just to visit the residents and to speak with them. Keep them company for a little bit. I immediately felt a sense of dread the moment the Service Coordinator walked up to us and asked us to. I'd love to talk with the residents and fluffage, but hell! I just wasn't sure what was going to happen. There was way too many circumstances I had to consider when it came to the elderly. Like when they got confused, or the conditions they had.

And it was just that... he asked me to write a letter. To his daughter.

Taki and Kates were staying on Bingo duty while Bell, Me and Apples went off to see some residents. The first was man at the very end of the hall. When the conversation started, we were talking just fine, but suddenly saw me with a pen and paper and asked me to write something. I stood ready to write down whatever he wanted me to. I had spare paper, anyway. But for a few moments, he strayed from the topic of writing again and kept repeating over and over about how pretty the three of us were. He kept saying that he used to go to a St. Patrick’s and about how much he wanted his favorite chair. They had taken it away from him because they were washing it, for what reason I do not know and will not bother to imagine, and were going to give it back to him the next day.

And then he saw me writing again, and which was what caused him to remember he wanted me to write down something for him. We didn't know what to do, so I figured 'Why not?' and I nodded. He didn't say much. He only told me to write that he looked forward to her next visit and that he missed her very much.

We asked the Coordinator about it later and he went to the desk and pulled out a binder that had his name inside of it. It listed all his relatives.

We were going to send a letter to a daughter that didn't exist.

Bell and Apples, who had been sent on visiting duties with me, didn't know what the heck to do either. But one thing was for sure: We were eager to find his daughter and send it to her. It was almost like we were achieving world peace just by sending the little, tiny letter. Doing some kind of greater good in the world. But it quickly died away into awkwardness and a little bit of shock when the daughter didn't exist.

Honestly, how does one react to that?

And there was an old woman who kept waiting by the door, watching people go by. She always talked to the people passing by, even if they weren't listening. We felt sorry for her for some reason and we went to go keep her company. She kept saying about how bored she had been in the nursing home and that they didn't let her do anything there. No one seemed to want to bother with her. And she kept saying she had to watch over her room mate. Other than that, our conversations completely lacked any substance at all. Ironically, the last thing she said to us was that she hoped we had a good day and that she had to go back in her room now and wait for her mother to come pick her up...

Taki, Kates, and I are going again next week.

Taki told the Coordinator that we might be able to come again on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

While walking back to Taki's house, we poked at each other, wondering about the experience. Katie says she was bored most of the time and that she felt like it wasn't the most entertaining of jobs. Taki had a strong conviction that nursing homes are f*cked up and that the people who left their family there deserved to rot for their cruelty.


Me?


Jesus, I'm still scared as hell.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Random Fluff I

Thus: another pointless post graces the journal with its presence. To forewarn anyone who dislikes any of these pointless posts, I have decided to name them accordingly: Random fluff I, II, III, etc. Not that it matters. ^_^.

http://www.brokensaints.com

It has single-handedly been the first site to leave me speechless in over half a year. Broken Saints- what is it? It's a little hard to describe. A lot of people that I've shown it to really didn't like it, and didn't bother to even watch through the first episode. Personally, I think it's because of the fact that the series aims to open peoples minds and to get them completely absorbed into the series. It's something you have to want to stick through and see voluntarily. It's also something that you'll probably hate if someone made you literally sit down in front of a computer and watch. It takes a while to download, but in my opinion, it's completely worth it. Besides, it's not half an hour intervals, but actually about ten minutes or so each. I've just finished watching episode nineteen or so and I eagerly await the next downloadable installment of chapter 20.

If you really do plan to watch the first episode, I ask that you at least finish episode two or until... maybe episode eleven or so ... before you start judging the series. It's Flash, so much of the animation isn't going to make you cheer and jump off the wall from its fluffableness... but compared to the hundreds of other crappy Flash movies out there on the net, this is amazing work. It really is worth watching.

Anyway, (WID) Breey has officially introduced me to the world of "Taty" or "Tatu". It's a kick@ss russian pop group and I'm listening to them as I speak, or rather write. They remind me a lot of trance songs- I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Another thing worth looking up, I guess. Although, I'm not sure if downloading and listening to songs that I don't understand is a good idea. For all I know, they could be singing about flashing Popsicle men. Randomness. But I still enjoy their music and I hope not to grow weary of the repetition of their songs being played on my computer so much.

I really can't believe it's been nearly a week since my last post. Time is flying by so fast since the first two weeks that school started. It used to be that time would inch by and I would literally count the seconds until class ended. Now it's like, "Whah? 'Izzat it? Is it over already?" I'm not one to complain however seeing as I'm enjoying the time frame my mind has settled into. The previous weeks have been agonizing. In fact, they demanded the stamina I never thought I had. It's a lot more easy going now and I appreciate the sudden change of atmosphere.

But if it's been about a week since my last post, then that also means that it's about time for me to go the nursing home for community service again… I quiver with fear. =_=.

I seriously don’t think I can take it any more. I have 13 more hours to work off in that hell hole they call a nursing home and by then, I'm pretty sure that I'll find some inhuman way to either emotionally or physically scar myself for life. It's not a pleasant topic to think about. Perhaps I need to stop looking at things so negatively and perhaps I need to start watching out for experiences that will actually give me a new outlook on life. Keeping an eye out solely for evil people and sinister visits may lead to some unfortunate outcomes.

But whatever. It doesn't seem to matter anyway. I mean, more of my misery means more interesting reads for you, no?

Eh. Aside from that, my sister left for college a week or so after our trip to the renaissance fair. Now it's just me and my brother again. Sometimes I find him poking into my room while I'm doing my homework, hoping that I have some time to spare to fool around with him. It feels good to know that he noticed our lack of quality time as of late. It shows that maybe he really does enjoy my company rather than loathe my coming.

But now that my sister IS gone, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. It's a good thing because now I don't have to divide and massacre myself trying to spend time with the two of them at the same time. The bad side is just that: she's gone. She may have been a pain in the neck sometimes, but she's still my sister and as corny as it sounds, I love her. You'll never find me saying that out loud though.

Another recent development: I've gone completely insane. I've officially decided to begin a comic based on the chaotic lives of me and a few close friends that attend an all-girls high school. I've finished most of the initial designs and I only have to complete a few more character sketches before I can finally begin the comic. It's a little flawed because it begins in sophomore year, but hey! Who really cares. It's not like it's going to be published or anything. It's going to be a free-for-all, lol.

I'd like to think that a few of my journal readers are remotely interested in seeing how it turns out. I'll tune those minute few in on any changes/developments.

Finally, I've decided to bring a journal to school with me so that I can write down any interesting developments. Seems that I'm always inspired during school and ironically enough, my muse skips out on me when I sit down to write in the journal. Eh. Hopefully my muse will drop the shy-act and break out with some creative stuff.

Rrr.... I currently await another installment of a certain series: Dichotomy's journal: 'journal of a computer geek.' It seems that now it's a normal part of my week to check for new posts, but it almost seems as of late he's been side tracked maybe. Hope he doesn't abandon his journal- I swear if he does I'm going to go out and drop kick any poor animal that happens to cross me. (Not really, but you can guess the anguish I would experience.) Maybe I'll drop him a line later. I haven't really mailed him in a while since he first sent me a message.

Hm. There's pretty much nothing else to report that I can think of, so I'm going to bounce. I leave you all with an interesting tidbit I’ve heard on my travels in the game of life: “You laugh at me because I’m different. I laugh at you because you’re all the same.”

PlatonicTeddys Signing off...

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

All Over Again

Dichotomy: I just want to tell you: ^_^.

And Kurt- thanks for the message. I was feeling really horrible that day. Things were just progressively getting worse- that is, until I checked my email. It said that someone sent me a private message on the IRC and when I opened up yours to read it ... I felt good.

The moment I opened your IM was the exact moment in time where everything just seemed to slow down and get just a little bit better. It's just nice to know that people out there can sincerely care about me- even if it's a thousand miles away.

Anyway, yes- 'fluffage' is my own terminology and my own personal word. It's a term I use often and as a matter of fact, a few of my friends have already picked up on fluffage as well as other nonsense words such as fantamasizing and quackfackle (Don't ask.) Number two- I don't really think I've ever thought about it that way. Writing always seemed like a way to vent a little bit of my problems to no one in particular. It has never occurred to me that perhaps I might consider turning it into a full time career. It's always been something that my parents and a few select people have suggested I do as a side-thing, but never as a full time writer. It's definitely something I'll look into, now that I've given some thought to the matter.

Oh... greatness... I found something I had drawn about a year ago for an RPG I was once in. It was an anime crossover and I had gotten the idea that maybe I could sketch a few of the characters together in a group shot just for the kick of it.

http://www.geocities.com/animeshadowz/

But I cringe. When seen from afar, it's all right, but when it's up close, it almost seems like there wasn't enough detail/effort put into it. Ah well- I'm (hopefully) improving every day and my mother promises to enroll me in some art classes once she gets over the financial crisis we're in.

It's a bit of a silent one at that, and both my parents seem to have agreed not to hint at the problem to any of the kids. But I can pretty much see that we're struggling. Our cable is out on account of we failed to pay the television bill. So now all we have are three channels: News channel, infomercial channel and the spanish channel. The latter I usually only watch to smirk at the amusing outcry of 'Radico!' and 'GrrrRRAAANNnnnddeee!!' whenever any wrestling matches happen to be on. And perhaps to see if the Spanish II course is paying off in any way.

But thankfully, this problem is not one I won't be able to overcome. It seems that maybe this has happened for a reason. TV pretty much used to take up a large portion of my time at home. Now that it's gone, I'm forced to find other sources for my entertainment. This means wonderful things for my family, friends and my own personal gain of more writing and art. Don't get me wrong- I'm not a couch potato, definitely not. In fact, I'm a bit of an athlete. I was on the track and field team last spring. This year, though, I've promised (WID) Bree that I'd join the softball team with her this year. So track and field is out.

And I love the outdoors with a passion. This is probably from yearly trips with my cousins to various places. More so, these places consist of either a ski trip to the Sierra for some snowboarding or to the distant lake for some weight boarding and some overdoses of summer sun.

Alas, the financial problem arises once more, as the yearly trips have come to an abrupt stop because of the lack of money. Now our summers are completely filled with lackluster days of boredom and supposed nights of quiet reflection.

I miss my Sierra.

And I miss my lake.

And I miss my cousin.

He died a while ago in an accident. He was crushed against the side one of the planes while loading some baggage. Alaska Airlines has produced yet another tragedy seeing as the cause of his death seems to have been a malfunction on one of the baggage cars.

But I think it's my fault too. When I was younger, I used to remember thinking to myself, 'I wish someone close to me would die so I would know how it feels ... but oh! Not too close, because I don't want to hurt.' It was cruel, and even then I had slapped myself on the hand, hoping that perhaps no one had heard my thoughts. But it was just that... somewhere in the back of my mind, there was just this need for something tragic to happen. A reason for me to get pity from friends. A reason to feel that maybe I could experience ... I don't know. I can't describe it. But it was so g*ddamned wrong.

(WID) Don. I didn't know him all too well and most of our conversations over the phone were casual conversations. They were always artificial 'How are things going?' and I always found the 'stranger' on the other line to be awkward and unfamiliar. My words were clumsy. And even when we went on vacations together- I was too young to recall what he was like.

Kuya told me once that the last conversation he had with him was of how he had forgotten Don's birthday.

And Don's brother (WID) Tap once said to me that the last thing he told him was, 'You're so f*cking stupid!'

When the time came that we attended the funeral, I promised I wouldn't cry. Well... Because I didn't know him. He wasn't someone who stuck out in my mind all that vividly. But the thing was, when I stepped up to the coffin, I broke down and I started sobbing.

It was because I didn't even remember his face. I didn't know him. I didn't know him at all. I stepped up expecting to experience a little De Ja Vu looking into the faces of even a distant cousin such as Don. But I didn't.

And he didn't even look real. He almost looked as if he was a mannequin. It scared me out of my wits.

I think maybe the irony of his position is unbearably evident. When people used to talk about him, they'd say the most encouraging things. They said things like he was headed somewhere. Others said he was the smartest in the family when it came to doing something with his life. They said he had it good. They said a lot of things. But there were, of course, some things that they failed to mention. Things like the fact that sometimes his mother hit him and his brothers. Almost unbelievable, I once overheard my parents talking about her. She hit Tap over the head with a telephone once. Another time with a hammer.

And not too many were around her to comfort her over her lost son when she started crying, 'My baby! My baby!' over and over again throughout the procession or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I couldn't stand it. He wasn't supposed to die because of some unconscious ramblings of my childhood.

I wasn't supposed to cry. My wish wasn't supposed to come true. I wasn't supposed to feel guilty.

What I was supposed to do... was go there, sniff a little and walk out. I was supposed to sit there indifferently and watch everything unfold like some kind of spectator.

A lot of things were and weren't supposed to be. Sometimes I just wish that just I would know what the heck I should do about it. Now that I think about it- I don't know what I'm doing even now.

And maybe everything'll just turn out better if I just shut my eyes and pretend it will pass. Maybe pretend like it didn't happen. Because everything always turns out okay in the end. It always does.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Weekend Whereabouts...

Is it me or is this forum swarming with an overwhelming and somewhat annoying number of all-new journals?? And is it me or do they all have similar attitudes: life sucks, so I'm sarcastic and I want you to believe my life is a sitcom. It's tragic being me.

Eh- maybe it's just me. I’ve got a lot of pet peeves, and sometimes the smallest things piss me off. Besides, like I'm one to talk. I'm not exactly a veteran journal keeper here. Plus, many of my posts can probably rival a hyper-active prom queen with a bad case of ADHD to boot. So I guess that I don't really have a right to complain. I'm most likely part of the problem, if anything at all.

Anyway, I had a pretty interesting weekend. One that actually might count as an enjoyable experience.

First off, Friday was hilarious, contrary to the usual loathing I experience when it comes time to work in the nursing home. There was a schedule change down at the center and they didn't need the volunteers working there that Friday. So the three of us retreated to Taki's house which was walking distance to hang out for the remainder of our afternoon. And something interesting happened when we got there: the door turned out to be locked. And Taki unfortunately didn't bring a key with her, so we reached the conclusion that I was to be shoved through the doggy door. It wasn't the most comfortable ways of getting into the house, that’s for sure. Kates and Taki didn't help all that much when they burst out laughing when door came loose and I stood up with a rubber frame stuck to my hips.

Then came the next obstacle: The alarm was still on, and we had only gotten into the playroom. Opening the sliding glass door to the house itself was going to set of the alarm. So Taki reached the brilliant idea of getting into the house by using the broken window to her bathroom. She pulled out the screen and bent it awkwardly and we spent the next two hours trying to fix it and shove it back into the wall once we had all gotten in and turned off the alarm. Taki injured two fingers, got grounded later from killing the screen, I permanently stained my sweater with rubber marks, sore hips, and Kates came out of the ordeal enviously unharmed.

Saturday was a day without occurrence, and I spent the day doing most of my homework so that I could go out with Bree to the Renaissance fair on Sunday. The trip was pretty awesome, save for the fact that it was hot and dusty as hell, even with all the shade from the trees around the place. But aside from the fact that I came out of the fair soaked in sweat and caked with dirt, I learned a couple of neat things.

Apparently when cooped up in a car with a Breey and her family- things can be quite entertaining. (Bree's parents are divorced so it's pretty much hell if you ever want to contact her, concerning you can never find which house she's actually at. And it’s also why her father didn’t come with the family.) But when her mother took us to the fair, we were also hauling along Bree's little 6 year old sister, ten year old brother, and 16 or 17 year old brother along with us. The trip there was chaotic. We several frequent fluffage sessions in the car and earned a couple of worthwhile laugh attacks.

We came home pretty late on Sunday and I stayed up until 12:30 doing some World History project. Imagine my laughter when I learned that two thirds of the sophomore class had stayed up until 2 am doing that same stupid 'story book' project. >.<.

And here's one thing that I've taken a liking to: Archery. I swear, one of these days, I'll actually buy a bow, some arrows and a target. It'll most likely be something that will get me to get off my *ss and to get myself outside for some fresh air.

Or maybe not.

I have allergies like you wouldn't believe. So going outside mmay not prove to be the best of ideas. If I didn't take allegra (my allergy medicine) every day, I'd be on a permanent sneezing fest. I don’t exactly appreciate my body going nuts over something that doesn't even hurt me. It's like this: Pollen doesn't do anything, but apparently, my body is too damned stupid to know any better. It has to have a field day with red eyes, stuffy noses and sinus pressure. Oh joy of joys... =_=...

I also have quite the trouble with skin conditions. I have eczema which means that my skin is super sensitive. Anything that remotely resembles grass or wool will make me itch like mad. it wreaks havoc on my skin and I get rashes. It's not a contagious condition, but actually something my mother says is probably hereditary. XD. Plus- get this- I actually itch in my sleep...

But it's not something that makes me red and puffy 24/7. Now it's not noticeable at all if you're not looking for it. I've actually got some discipline when it comes to maintaining my skin. Its gotten better since I was a kid, and I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to go to sleep without spreading all this medication gunk all over my skin. I hate having a condition like this. It's so annoying, and there's no permanent solution to it. It's just there and it'll continue to be there until who knows when.


Alas, it seems as if my journal is beginning to fall behind. Moga2, happily, has noticed one again and I appreciate the support immensely. Dichotomy has once again proved that I can turn to him should I ever feel I need someone to talk to.

The problem is finding the time to sending Dichotomy a real email instead of a two-liner message. And secondly, finding time to post on this journal.

Supposedly junior year is the worst year of all. Ugh. If sohphomore year is this bad, I just can't wait until I jump into junior year. Oiy… someone remind me to explain the whole situation with Breey’s brother, (WID)Kissy and two of my friends. LOL… For now, I’m off to take a shower. In the words of a great one: Time fo skrubbin powah in tha showah!!

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Medieval Matchmaker

First things first- it's time that I introduced the interesting little situation that has been occuring as of late. It has to do with Kissy, Taki and (WID) Frysh. It didn't even happen too long ago, so I can still remember most of the details pretty clearly.

As I've mentioned before, Kissy is Bree's older brother. And no, the nickname 'Kissy' is not what you think. It's for other reasons. Kissy isn't the kind of guy to go around smooching every available girl on sight. It's just a nickname given at random by his mother. He's actually a really cool guy. He's seriously the kind of person I only wished I could be. There just seems to be a sort of atmosphere around him that just makes you want to tackle him and take him home or to watch a corny movie with him and talk about video games. No one I know who has met Kissy can describe just what it is that makes a person feel that way around him.

I'm not a 'people' person, so I pretty much know when I'm out of my league. So when I met Kissy, it was no different. I knew better. First off, the saying ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ is total BS. Only certain people can pull it off. So for dreamers like me, it’s nothing but wishful thinking. I know better than to indulge in any crushes when it involves certain circumstances. Chaos always seems to ensue. Much like this, actually. Taki is the first problem.

She's had a major crush on him ever since she laid eyes on the poor boy and unfortunately, if Taki gets a crush, it's the kind that lasts for years. She's got multiple lovey-dovey targets and her ‘hit list’ grows every year.

It was sort of a casually dealt issue until recently. It all changed when Bree and Frysh went to the mall or something and Frysh made contact with Kissy. Predictably, there was an immediate attraction and Frysh told Bree about it. So now, not only did two of my friends like the same perso, it also had to be the only two people in the group that actually had some conflicts to work out. And apparently someone slipped this little secret and now Frysh and Taki are completely aware of each other's attraction to the same guy. More conflict, more hidden contempt.

Nothing serious happened, but Frysh went nuts one day and randomly asked me to draw her a picture holding hands with Kissy or just hanging out with him. Bree caught sight of the finished product and stole it from me to show to her mom. (She thought this whole deal was hilarious and was having a field day with writing 'contracts' behind Kissy's back.) I wasn’t much of an active participant in this catastrophe, but I happened to be a primary witness to it, seeing as Taki and Frysh are pretty close to me.

More interesting things happened between them, but I don't have a lot of time on my hands. I'll save those stories for another day. The main thing: Taki hasn't changed her mind and Frysh has denounced Kissy. She’s decided to give up on him forever. Bree is really indifferent about the whole thing. But for their sakes, she held back the information that Kissy has had a girlfriend for about three months now. I expect more chaos to grace the battlefield of love when both learn of little tidbit.

Well, today was PSAT testing. I hated every moment and I am convinced I bombed all four sections save for the reading test which I somewhat enjoyed.

The good side of this however is that we were dismissed from school at about 11:30. Taki was my ride home and because Kates was coming with us, we randomly decided to go hiking at the nearby park. What was supposed to be a half-hour hike turned out to be a three hour trudge seeing as we were way too curious about far too many unfamiliar trails.

First off, we found cows. Yes. Cows. And many, many, many presents left behind on the park trail. Turns out there was a rancher was looking for some runaway cows or something. I'm still not quite sure how the cows got loose in the park itself, but I still found it particularly amusing when Taki had the overwhelming urge to go see if she could pet one. They moved away. Kates laughed. Taki fumed. And we continued on the trail.

But the second half of the hike gave a delightful turn of events. For some reason, Taki, Kates and I started role playing as medieval spies trying to infiltrate a castle to search for evidence of illegal activity. I was the archer and rearguard. Kates was the equipment specialist and second in our line. Taki had a staff and took point.

Before I knew it, we were raiding make-believe guard towers, crashing enemy supply routes, passing checkpoints and trying to keep our pretend male counterparts from causing trouble through our invisible communicators. And the story of a weird cat we shot with a hose the other day suddenly became a ferocious epic battle between the 3 great warriors and the infamous black dragon named 'Kitty.'

We were scaling castle walls, crossing treacherous cliffs and ridges. We were dodging flying arrows in every directions. Jumping down infinitely deep ravines and creeping through the lair of a fox demon. But, when the time came for us to vanquish the ultimate enemy... I turned out to be the one to assassinate the general in the end. (It was a head shot. )

... and then the trail ended with a make-believe snowboard run down the last hill. We reached the park center and suddenly we were just Taki, Kates and Teddy again.

I've always talked with Taki about these things. I had always been too embarrassed to play pretend games with Kuya and my little cousin. I've never had the natural grace that came with those who liked to make believe. I mean, I'm fifteen years old, turning sixteen in March. I'm in high school. I've always thought that it had to count for something, and when it comes down to it- it really does count. It's not as easy to make believe when you're coming of age and becoming all that much more conscious of yourself. Especially when those stupid, naive notions of good and evil start to blur.

A lot of people think it's never too old to pretend. But they've never been in my shoes. They've never actually experienced what goes on in my head. They have no idea whatsoever.

But I think maybe, it was okay to forget the old me for today. Even if I the moment I stepped into the car, the image of a better me faded. I'll always have the memory to call on when I feel that life is a little too real for me. Perhaps something to refresh the ‘child’ within.

And besides- should I ever have the urge for some espionage, there’s always tomorrow to find myself again.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Diagnosis

Oh Jesus.

Grandpa has cancer.

Shit...

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

Memory's Remembrance...

I dont have a lot of time. It's late and I need to get to sleep. But I need to get some things off my chest.

God's been a little nice to me since last Thursday when I first heard. I think that there's nothing more I can say about it though, so maybe I just need to forget for a while.

Maybe perhaps I need to think of my grandma. I love my grandmother with a passion. Shes wonderful to talk to, and I know she's got an infinite amount of knowledge behind her smile and kind words. But what I love most is the feel of her skin. My friends hate the feel of what they've come to call 'old people skin.' Me though, I love it. They're like silk. It makes me feel good. They're so delicate that they might suddenly break any moment. But they don't. But only if it's my grandmother's hands. Not anyone else's. Everyone elses' hands are cold, crude, leathery and rubber-like. Like Don's are now.

Ah sh*t.

I can smell the sickeningly sweet atmosphere that I always find in the nursing home. I can smell it now. It's making me sick. It won't leave me. I can't forget it. It's like it follows me wherever I go. I don't want it to follow me. It won't go away goddam*t. It just keeps f*cking lingering there like it's always been. It's pissing the sh*t out of me and I'm tired of it.

I can't think of Granpa with immediately associating him with the smell. It's not bad, but it bothers me a lot. I think maybe it's trying to tell me to stop a second and wonder why I hate working there. But I just don't know. Is it just in my imagination or something? Has it happened to someone else? Maybe I'm just being stupid.

I hate working there because...

I think I got it now. I hate working there because no one knows that they are there. I hate that they're helpless. I hate that they're alone. The creepy feel of their blank eyes. And that one resident that screams from down the hall all the time. No one comes to her room. But it's not like the high pitched scream you'd expect. It's a low, raspy voice that you'd expect from something that would live under the carpet. The monster that lived my the closet when I was eight is screaming for no reason from three to five every friday afternoon until the door closes behind me as I leave.

But I hate most that they've been forgotten.

I think it scares me to be forgotten. I even find myself wondering if I've made a difference in anyone's life. Wondering if I made someone's like just a little bit better. Sometimes I even wonder how they would react if something was ever to happen to me. It's not a very pleasant topic to think about, but when one has as much free time as I do, it's a little difficult not to.

There's a picture of my mother's late parents resting on the shelf where our rosaries and candles are. I don’t know who they are. I've never met them. But they’ve given me long afternoons staring at their picture wondering who they were. Sounds kind or corny. But it's just nice sometimes have at least one person to stop in the middle of the day and to think about you. Even if they've never known you at all. So that maybe they won't feel all that much forgotten. But it must mean something because they're a part of me now - even IF I've never met them.

I mean, everyone’s doomed to be forgotten. Being forgotten is inevitable for everyone. One by one, people are going to die. And along with them, the memory of your very existance is erased. Before long, no one even knows you were ever alive. People never seem to really come to think about until it’s too late to make something of themselves. And some people actually do get to getting their name plastered somewhere. With the notion of becoming immortal, I suspect.

That’s all good and well that people will remember what you’ve done, but who ever said having your name plastered somewhere meant that you’d never be forgotten. All people will remember is the name. They've never met you- seen you. And felt who you are. So in the end, all it really comes down to is remembering yourself when you die, I guess. Morbid logic, I know.

I'm not sure how it makes sense, actually, but it all comes together in my head. But then again, that's all that really matters, now doesn't it?

I don’t wanna be forgotten.

But I think I don’t have a choice.

 

[PlatonicTeddys]

'Geometric-ly Induced Wounds'

I stabbed my hand with a compass the other day in Math class.

Um... yes... it hurt... (For those of you who have had a momentary lapse of common sense, a compass is that little needle/pencil thing that you use to draw perfect circles by using a single point on a piece of paper.)

No, I didn't enjoy bleeding all over myself. I'm not quite that masochistic yet. I don't like physically hurting myself on a regular basis, and I'm pretty sure my friend didn't appreciate the sight of blood all over the place either. It was actually an accident and it occurred when I was rushing to put away my things as the final bell rang. Before I knew it, I felt a sharp pain in my palm and the next thing I knew, I was bleeding like a madman. I need to be more careful when handling such deadly Geometry instruments. But then again, who knew that a compass was so dangerous.... My life is being threatened on a daily basis by unwittingly pathetic pieces of plastic and metal. Joy.

I haven't written in my journal as of late, but I actually have an excuse this time. The past few weeks have been used to attempt to keep up with the massive amounts of homework being assigned to us every day. And on top of that, we've found ourselves knee-deep in projects and reports with impossible due dates. Both my classmates and I are definitely feeling the effects of sleep deprivation as a result of late nights trying to get decent grades.

Hopefully, this period of hectic work will die down and I'll be able to write regularly in this journal once more. But then again, I've never been able to write regularly in this journal anyway. And it's not like I've actually got people reading this thing.

Anyways, it turns out that Kates has finally finished her community service work at the nursing home. Next Friday, she won't be coming to the home to work with Taki and me. Luckily, though, we've recruited another friend to come work with us: Bree. But it's still a little bit sad that Kates won't be going to the home anymore. I'm going to miss our frequent trips to the park after we had finished a few hours at the home. After all, she did happen to be one of the people with me on my first wonderful experience pretending since I was six.

New development:
I’ve gone and done it again. I think I like another guy…

(WID) Corps is someone I've been talking to online for a while now. I knew him in grade school, but contact has been few and far in between. He's a guy, but my interest in him has never been more than a buddy.

He's really weird. Like many of the conversations I have with my odd-natured friends, our talks don't really have any real subject. All we do is joke around. Just chatter and laugh at each other. We've gone out with each other a couple of times, but more often than not, it would always involve other people present like Pandesal and MMS. We've never actually gone anywhere alone. I guess that's because I was worried he might get the wrong idea and might think that I actually like him.

It's not that I wouldn't want him to like me. I guess I'm just afraid to even consider because... well... because of Whisp. I guess I'm being stupid and still kind of waiting for him. Whisp called me the other day, and I still get kind of... shy around him. I feel the same about them both, but with Whisp, it's all meaningful conversation. It's all about exploring the world through words and finding the most obvious things to be the most hidden. But I can't joke with him. I can't play with Whisp because I don't know how.

With Corps, it's the exact opposite. All we do is play. There's nothing meaningful I've ever found in our conversations. We just joke and laugh. And every time I see him, I'm so afraid he'll think of me as weird. Think of something I say as stupid and make him think less of me.... it never happens. No matter how many times I say something stupid, he always finds the right joke to counter it instead of stare at me and say something degrading like, 'Ookkaayy, you’re weird... anyways....'.

How can I possibly feel the same way about two completely different people?

I guess the idea of getting with Corps never really disgusted me. In fact, if he ever asked me to go out on a date, I think I might actually say yes. I mean, that's what I told him once. I wasn't trying to hint that I liked him. But that's what I said. If we were actually an item, I wouldn't mind. He was actually one of the people that I considered as a candidate, had I been looking for one. It was a random question he asked me once.

And it hurt when I first learned he had a girlfriend. They broke up a little bit ago, but I still felt jealous that I couldn't experience what he did. Because while everyone around me was finding important people in their lives, I was sitting back and watching it all unfold. Pandesal, Cherry, MMS, Mango, Corps, Frysh, Bree and so many g*ddamn others.

I don't understand it- I'm tired of guys actually talking to me and enjoying my company, but suddenly turning away when they find out the people I associate with. It pisses me off. The only way I can talk to a stranger is if they stay a stranger. When they usually find out who I am, they find a way to say 'Excuse me, please go away and get out of my life.' One way or another. A lot of you may say, 'Oh, but that's not true.' Well, boys and girls, that is true. It's just the way it is.

Just like Freshman year. It's all a game. But I'll tell you about it another time.

I have to tell you all about today. He suddenly chose to call me up instead of talking to me online like he usually did. Corps, I mean. And I think when I considered the fact that he actually bothered to call up a friend and ask the number after so long a time… that maybe. Just maybe. I don’t think I need to finish that thought. I just hope that this weird, but oddly fulfilling feeling in the back of my chest is important and not a practical joke of the mind.

I’ve decided that I want to call them both. Tonight. And just talk. Get my spirits lifted by Corps, and get my heart lifted by Whisp.

But, then again… I've got to finish my World History project due tomorrow. I want to get a good grade on it, so perhaps another time. And another ‘maybe’ to add to the list.





“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams
Act as though it were impossible to fail.”

- Dorthea Brant