confused
- Thread starter jellybean
- Start date
Jan 26, 2003
(wrote this on the plane ride home)
Back on a fucking plane again. On my way "home" but the whole time I was in Yuma I was calling Trina's place home. So where the fuck do I belong?
Oh oh! I'm clean!!! Dad said the doc lady called and said I was a-okay. Thought I don't think she has the right to tell them. But yuppers Stacy is STD free. Damnit I want more time with Trina. The more time I spent with her damn her and her cuteness. But we didn't kissing nothing. Well me being a human pillow but what else is new right? Shit I don't know anything anymore.
Rounding up the back of people I hate there's Brian. He will get his, I don't have to be the one to do it. Or be there for it. But he will, and I can go on with my life because he is a fuckhead. And should of known not to fuck with me. Some learn the hard way and others can just see it in my eyes...I'm the crazy one *muahhahahaha* But I guess he gave half the shit I gave him to Franks mom to give to Christina to give to me. Cheap ass won't even mail it to me. But he picked out what he wanted. I told her to throw it away or keep it or give it away I just don't care. I'm gonna get what I want I thought the pictures would help but I'm sure he kept some of them. I can't take the memories he has of me. All I can do is push the ones of him out of my mind.
And I was doing that I was forgetting everything for a wk. I was so okay there. Waking up to Trina, making her get her ass out of bed fighting her. And then bring her lunch, and have her come home. It just felt right. And I'm so afraid of doing anything, holding hands anything. I don't want to fuck anything up and lets face it I fuck up a lot of things.
EEK Take off, tummy yells NO! Fuck head infront of me put his seat down all the fuck way. Which means I dont have a lot of leg room. I freak when I cant move my legs. Ryan did that last night, I think he got upset because I asked him to move his leg.
Sabrina oh my poor little one. She's going to fuck herself up. She talks hella big girl like around all the wrong people. Like the twins she spent the night, Trina and I were asleep hell everyone was asleep. And she came rushing in yelling Mike and Matt are coming over and Stacy Matt says you have to suck his dick, when he got here. If anyone put anything like that in fornt of me. I'm gonna go Lorianne Bobit on their ass! No one does that to me and doesn't get hurt. But they came int he room and Matt was so drunk but yeah I had to follow him home because he had to drink. But I wanted out to tell him to go, and I guess it looked like his hand was up her (Sabrina's) shirt and her tongue down his throat. But the next day I had to go get them and then they wanted to get drunk and then Sabrina was playing on my gay side and it all just make me a little upset. I got her to home late because Matt had to have something to eat and then Mike had to go to his girlfriends house. And she was suppose to be home by 530 and I got her home at 601. When I had to being Trina dinner at 6 so I felt bad. But someone I dont know who put someone took 20 bucks from my wallet. And damnit I'm so sick of people thinking I'm a fucking bank. But the way she lets them push her around. Damn I like attention but the good kind not hey Sabrina suck my cock. And all she does is laugh. I so kick the shit out of someone anyone I dont care if I was Andy that said it to me.
Wes didn't want to see I can understand that that's something I need to let go of. Him. He has a girlfriend and her little boy and they seem happy. so I should stay in the past. But it's hard I'm friends with all my ex's. But I guess that is a little high schoolish and I need to grow up. I'm 19 going on 20. Its time to act like it. What that mean I'm not really sure but just add it to my list of shit I need to do.
What am I talking about growing up I'm sitting her in jumpsuit like pj's that button up the front and have feet like when you were hmm 1. I can't believe how fast I have to grow up, and do shit on my own. I know I'll have my friends and my parents on my side. But I cant live for myself anymore I have to think about someone else. I have to realize that everything I do will effect someone else. And god that's a eye opener. Im only 19 and I have to grow up what the fuck am I going to do? I would cry only I can't I just cant.
Christina wanted to have a talk with me, she didn't say thing I hadn't heard from her before. But she just doesn't get and she probably never well. I had to point to that talk and I cant remember what it was at the moment. I haven't had a lot of sleep the sleep was good. Trina and I would pass out around 3 or4 and then wake up at 10 and then she'd go to work and I'd go see Mary or well I don't really know what I did. I know Trisha and I sat in Long Johns for an hour talking....sorry I thought that was kinda funny. And then saw the gypsy lady she told me a lot. Most I knew. I need to let go, and I'll something material wise in the next 6 months. And maybe move out or something along though lines. But then we went to Tony's I kicked ass! It was mostly talking then playing but...I won! Ok ok she got the 8 ball before she was suppose it. But thats not the point. I hadnt played 8 or 9 ball in a while. I kinda felt good to be at Tony's just hanging out having a good time and talking it up.
I want to go home, but damnit I need to do it on my own. And I don't know with no medical if I can do something like that. And danmit I just dont know what to do about well my life!
I think the Air Force is out for right now I know my parents well be sad when I tell him. But I just can't.
(wrote this on the plane ride home)
Back on a fucking plane again. On my way "home" but the whole time I was in Yuma I was calling Trina's place home. So where the fuck do I belong?
Oh oh! I'm clean!!! Dad said the doc lady called and said I was a-okay. Thought I don't think she has the right to tell them. But yuppers Stacy is STD free. Damnit I want more time with Trina. The more time I spent with her damn her and her cuteness. But we didn't kissing nothing. Well me being a human pillow but what else is new right? Shit I don't know anything anymore.
Rounding up the back of people I hate there's Brian. He will get his, I don't have to be the one to do it. Or be there for it. But he will, and I can go on with my life because he is a fuckhead. And should of known not to fuck with me. Some learn the hard way and others can just see it in my eyes...I'm the crazy one *muahhahahaha* But I guess he gave half the shit I gave him to Franks mom to give to Christina to give to me. Cheap ass won't even mail it to me. But he picked out what he wanted. I told her to throw it away or keep it or give it away I just don't care. I'm gonna get what I want I thought the pictures would help but I'm sure he kept some of them. I can't take the memories he has of me. All I can do is push the ones of him out of my mind.
And I was doing that I was forgetting everything for a wk. I was so okay there. Waking up to Trina, making her get her ass out of bed fighting her. And then bring her lunch, and have her come home. It just felt right. And I'm so afraid of doing anything, holding hands anything. I don't want to fuck anything up and lets face it I fuck up a lot of things.
EEK Take off, tummy yells NO! Fuck head infront of me put his seat down all the fuck way. Which means I dont have a lot of leg room. I freak when I cant move my legs. Ryan did that last night, I think he got upset because I asked him to move his leg.
Sabrina oh my poor little one. She's going to fuck herself up. She talks hella big girl like around all the wrong people. Like the twins she spent the night, Trina and I were asleep hell everyone was asleep. And she came rushing in yelling Mike and Matt are coming over and Stacy Matt says you have to suck his dick, when he got here. If anyone put anything like that in fornt of me. I'm gonna go Lorianne Bobit on their ass! No one does that to me and doesn't get hurt. But they came int he room and Matt was so drunk but yeah I had to follow him home because he had to drink. But I wanted out to tell him to go, and I guess it looked like his hand was up her (Sabrina's) shirt and her tongue down his throat. But the next day I had to go get them and then they wanted to get drunk and then Sabrina was playing on my gay side and it all just make me a little upset. I got her to home late because Matt had to have something to eat and then Mike had to go to his girlfriends house. And she was suppose to be home by 530 and I got her home at 601. When I had to being Trina dinner at 6 so I felt bad. But someone I dont know who put someone took 20 bucks from my wallet. And damnit I'm so sick of people thinking I'm a fucking bank. But the way she lets them push her around. Damn I like attention but the good kind not hey Sabrina suck my cock. And all she does is laugh. I so kick the shit out of someone anyone I dont care if I was Andy that said it to me.
Wes didn't want to see I can understand that that's something I need to let go of. Him. He has a girlfriend and her little boy and they seem happy. so I should stay in the past. But it's hard I'm friends with all my ex's. But I guess that is a little high schoolish and I need to grow up. I'm 19 going on 20. Its time to act like it. What that mean I'm not really sure but just add it to my list of shit I need to do.
What am I talking about growing up I'm sitting her in jumpsuit like pj's that button up the front and have feet like when you were hmm 1. I can't believe how fast I have to grow up, and do shit on my own. I know I'll have my friends and my parents on my side. But I cant live for myself anymore I have to think about someone else. I have to realize that everything I do will effect someone else. And god that's a eye opener. Im only 19 and I have to grow up what the fuck am I going to do? I would cry only I can't I just cant.
Christina wanted to have a talk with me, she didn't say thing I hadn't heard from her before. But she just doesn't get and she probably never well. I had to point to that talk and I cant remember what it was at the moment. I haven't had a lot of sleep the sleep was good. Trina and I would pass out around 3 or4 and then wake up at 10 and then she'd go to work and I'd go see Mary or well I don't really know what I did. I know Trisha and I sat in Long Johns for an hour talking....sorry I thought that was kinda funny. And then saw the gypsy lady she told me a lot. Most I knew. I need to let go, and I'll something material wise in the next 6 months. And maybe move out or something along though lines. But then we went to Tony's I kicked ass! It was mostly talking then playing but...I won! Ok ok she got the 8 ball before she was suppose it. But thats not the point. I hadnt played 8 or 9 ball in a while. I kinda felt good to be at Tony's just hanging out having a good time and talking it up.
I want to go home, but damnit I need to do it on my own. And I don't know with no medical if I can do something like that. And danmit I just dont know what to do about well my life!
I think the Air Force is out for right now I know my parents well be sad when I tell him. But I just can't.
jan 28,2003
well head colds are a lot of fun without the fun. they just are. but mom and dad are going to vegas this wkend to pick up dads new work trunk which will be like our old truck and then his going to phx a wk after that then yuma the wk after that one. so lots of miles are gonna be on that truck. i can go to yuma if i dont have a job and i want to ride in the back on the trunk well not the back...behind mom as in the lil seats that pull out of the side of the truck which is a small space to be in. so its a 8 hr drive like that, so my friends better now how much i love them! ok back to buff then bath.
well head colds are a lot of fun without the fun. they just are. but mom and dad are going to vegas this wkend to pick up dads new work trunk which will be like our old truck and then his going to phx a wk after that then yuma the wk after that one. so lots of miles are gonna be on that truck. i can go to yuma if i dont have a job and i want to ride in the back on the trunk well not the back...behind mom as in the lil seats that pull out of the side of the truck which is a small space to be in. so its a 8 hr drive like that, so my friends better now how much i love them! ok back to buff then bath.
jan 31, 2003
ok i have the oddest fucking cat! i was in the bathroom breathing my teeth and the closet door in the bathroom started to open...no the door that goes to my room was right infront of it blocking it i moved the bedroom door and opened the closet door and out pops my white lil cat. what the hell she did that i dont know...but im wondering how long she was in there! nut
i have a lot of shit to write about ive written down in the past couple of days but none of it really matters. i do need a shower! and a nap a nap sounds nice.
mom and dad are gone and in vegas. i feel kinda odd being home alone...it only happened once before for a night. normally i could have trish in my living room on her computer and me on mine in my room. talking to eachother through im's even though we're in the same house. sad i know. but hey what can you ? *sigh* good ole days. *smells hair* yeah its time for a shower!
ok i have the oddest fucking cat! i was in the bathroom breathing my teeth and the closet door in the bathroom started to open...no the door that goes to my room was right infront of it blocking it i moved the bedroom door and opened the closet door and out pops my white lil cat. what the hell she did that i dont know...but im wondering how long she was in there! nut
i have a lot of shit to write about ive written down in the past couple of days but none of it really matters. i do need a shower! and a nap a nap sounds nice.
mom and dad are gone and in vegas. i feel kinda odd being home alone...it only happened once before for a night. normally i could have trish in my living room on her computer and me on mine in my room. talking to eachother through im's even though we're in the same house. sad i know. but hey what can you ? *sigh* good ole days. *smells hair* yeah its time for a shower!
jan 3, 2003
trisha mom passed away this afternoon. we all kinda knew it was a coming her health was bad and she didnt take care of herself but i thought shed be around for a lot longer. we didnt really get along we saw things different but i still wished shed get better for herself and her family.
on the phone with trish is couldnt tell her anything i just dont know what to say i still dont know. i want to be there for her. and im sure if i asked i could go back to yuma, but she needs her family and her family doesnt really like me and i dont want to make more problems when they arent needed.
i just wish i could give her a hug and kiss on the check and tell her everything is going to be ok. i wish i could be there for her more than what i am. i hope she knows she can call everywhere if i need to call her back i will. but i just wish i was home to take care of her. or at least the kids so they could get things together. and my lil josh he loved his nana i know how hard it is to be that young and lose a grandparent i never got over the lose of my grandpa. i just wish i knew what to do or what to feel.
trisha mom passed away this afternoon. we all kinda knew it was a coming her health was bad and she didnt take care of herself but i thought shed be around for a lot longer. we didnt really get along we saw things different but i still wished shed get better for herself and her family.
on the phone with trish is couldnt tell her anything i just dont know what to say i still dont know. i want to be there for her. and im sure if i asked i could go back to yuma, but she needs her family and her family doesnt really like me and i dont want to make more problems when they arent needed.
i just wish i could give her a hug and kiss on the check and tell her everything is going to be ok. i wish i could be there for her more than what i am. i hope she knows she can call everywhere if i need to call her back i will. but i just wish i was home to take care of her. or at least the kids so they could get things together. and my lil josh he loved his nana i know how hard it is to be that young and lose a grandparent i never got over the lose of my grandpa. i just wish i knew what to do or what to feel.
feb 4, 2003
i wish i knew what to say or what to do. i know trish needs me or at least i need her. i dont want to let her do this alone. im thinking of asking dad if i can drive down with him on the 18 then he'll fly back that wkend. and then him and mom are driving down the 26 and leaving the 1 and i can just go back with them. but i dont think think im needed there. and maybe im not. but i just want them (trishs whole family) whatever they need whatever i can do i will try my damnest.
i called trish to check on her today. asked if there was anything i could like call christina (i really didnt want her calling her) i knew christina would upset trish, or even andy. and im glad im the one who called i know christina was at work and thats what shell say when asked about her tone and reaction. but i know she didnt care marty and her didnt get along just like i didnt get along with marty but damn. i bet ten to one christina told her boss and got the day off and spent time with new one.
i just get so mad. i cant do anything. the harder i try the worse it get. the more i reach to hold my friends the farth away they get. maybe i shouldnt of moved here. then id be there for trish then id be there for mary then id be there for myself. i pull away from myself here. i think and think and i just drive myself insane. i lay in bed all day sleeping or thinking acting like im watching tv. when in my heart i know im fucking up. putting my life on hold, and walking away. but i dont know how to find it again.
everyone wants me back in arizona and half of me wants to go back. but i dont know if it well change anything i cant go to school there. and get a job...maybe. jobs is yuma are hard to come by unless its fast food. my fucking heart vs. mind...the game is yet to be won.
and yet death is still locking never decreasing.
i wish i knew what to say or what to do. i know trish needs me or at least i need her. i dont want to let her do this alone. im thinking of asking dad if i can drive down with him on the 18 then he'll fly back that wkend. and then him and mom are driving down the 26 and leaving the 1 and i can just go back with them. but i dont think think im needed there. and maybe im not. but i just want them (trishs whole family) whatever they need whatever i can do i will try my damnest.
i called trish to check on her today. asked if there was anything i could like call christina (i really didnt want her calling her) i knew christina would upset trish, or even andy. and im glad im the one who called i know christina was at work and thats what shell say when asked about her tone and reaction. but i know she didnt care marty and her didnt get along just like i didnt get along with marty but damn. i bet ten to one christina told her boss and got the day off and spent time with new one.
i just get so mad. i cant do anything. the harder i try the worse it get. the more i reach to hold my friends the farth away they get. maybe i shouldnt of moved here. then id be there for trish then id be there for mary then id be there for myself. i pull away from myself here. i think and think and i just drive myself insane. i lay in bed all day sleeping or thinking acting like im watching tv. when in my heart i know im fucking up. putting my life on hold, and walking away. but i dont know how to find it again.
everyone wants me back in arizona and half of me wants to go back. but i dont know if it well change anything i cant go to school there. and get a job...maybe. jobs is yuma are hard to come by unless its fast food. my fucking heart vs. mind...the game is yet to be won.
and yet death is still locking never decreasing.
feb 10,2003
god its already feb. today was a shit day. first i get into a fight with sabrina (trinas lil sister) over her being a selfish lil brat. but she is she wants her sister to do all this shit for her. like spent time and when she cant do that then its guilt trips into buying her shit. like the 65 dollar sweatshirt. i fucking sweatshirt!!! plus s&h. and now for her 16th bday she wants a 400 dollar cd player. i dont think ive ever serious asked for anything like that in my life. yeah a pony but i hate horses. she just rips into how her sister doesnt care about her, when i know trina does its just hard for her to show it. and sabrina is good with the guilt trips, best ive ever seen.
and then mike starts in on me for no reason. calling me a fuck-up and most of the shit ive done in my life fuck-ups. wow thanks i knew that i didnt need you pointing it out to me for no bloody reason. and then when i say i need to be in yuma for trish and her mother the woman who treated me like a daughter and tried to look out for me. though in the last yr we havent seen eye to eye i didnt hate her. i just didnt agree with her. and he says to me. well what about your parents the ones who are alive. what the fuck is that! im there for my parents every fucking day! who takes them to the doc when their sick or their temps or makes them dinner or cleans or is copies papers for mom right now so she can go to bed. he knows nothing about what im doing. yeah im not in school and i probably wont go back. i have no desire to right now and because he thinks its the right thing for me to do i just should jump right to it.
that and i should move out well i dont think he understands if i want to go to school i have to stay here and a)live with my parents b) work and go to school and with appts around here i could have to work full-time and go to school part. which would be shit. and i know i couldnt keep up either one so what fucking bother? and just waste everyones money and time. just because his father finally decided to help him out so he doesnt have to work to pay his rent and his bills and he can go to school full time doesnt mean thats what the rest of us can do. he just made me so fucking upset! *sigh*
i thought i didnt need this damn thing anymore and here i am writing in it again. im so fucking weak. i didnt call trish and i knew i should of. its just when im on the phone with her i just dont know what to say and that hurts me so much. i feel like i should know or say something anything to help her. and i cant i just cant. and i cant be there when shes crying or remembering something. what kind of a friend am i? i cant even be there for the person whos been like my sister for the past 5 yrs of my life when he rmothher passes away? what kind of a person am i?
god its already feb. today was a shit day. first i get into a fight with sabrina (trinas lil sister) over her being a selfish lil brat. but she is she wants her sister to do all this shit for her. like spent time and when she cant do that then its guilt trips into buying her shit. like the 65 dollar sweatshirt. i fucking sweatshirt!!! plus s&h. and now for her 16th bday she wants a 400 dollar cd player. i dont think ive ever serious asked for anything like that in my life. yeah a pony but i hate horses. she just rips into how her sister doesnt care about her, when i know trina does its just hard for her to show it. and sabrina is good with the guilt trips, best ive ever seen.
and then mike starts in on me for no reason. calling me a fuck-up and most of the shit ive done in my life fuck-ups. wow thanks i knew that i didnt need you pointing it out to me for no bloody reason. and then when i say i need to be in yuma for trish and her mother the woman who treated me like a daughter and tried to look out for me. though in the last yr we havent seen eye to eye i didnt hate her. i just didnt agree with her. and he says to me. well what about your parents the ones who are alive. what the fuck is that! im there for my parents every fucking day! who takes them to the doc when their sick or their temps or makes them dinner or cleans or is copies papers for mom right now so she can go to bed. he knows nothing about what im doing. yeah im not in school and i probably wont go back. i have no desire to right now and because he thinks its the right thing for me to do i just should jump right to it.
that and i should move out well i dont think he understands if i want to go to school i have to stay here and a)live with my parents b) work and go to school and with appts around here i could have to work full-time and go to school part. which would be shit. and i know i couldnt keep up either one so what fucking bother? and just waste everyones money and time. just because his father finally decided to help him out so he doesnt have to work to pay his rent and his bills and he can go to school full time doesnt mean thats what the rest of us can do. he just made me so fucking upset! *sigh*
i thought i didnt need this damn thing anymore and here i am writing in it again. im so fucking weak. i didnt call trish and i knew i should of. its just when im on the phone with her i just dont know what to say and that hurts me so much. i feel like i should know or say something anything to help her. and i cant i just cant. and i cant be there when shes crying or remembering something. what kind of a friend am i? i cant even be there for the person whos been like my sister for the past 5 yrs of my life when he rmothher passes away? what kind of a person am i?
feb 20, 2003
Just another day of disappointments I suppose. Trish called me today it was nice to hear from her I should of been calling her more. I should be talking to a lot of people more but I'm keeping really odd hours and they dont really like me talk to people during the day that much anymore.
I just saw one of the oddest things in my life Johnny Cash was singing Hurt (I'm not totally sure if Nine Inch Nails did I a cover from Cash or the other way around) but either way it was interesting.
My bathroom looks likes and feels like a hotel room. I've been living out of my suitcase for the past 2 days. But we were suppose to leave on Tuesday and with 30 mins to go because I finished packing because dad said "go ahead and finish" and then not 10 mins later it was "you didnt finish did you? because you need to unpack. I just got a fire" *shakes head* and then tomorrow he has to go back to a fire scene to try and find some work light that may of caused the fire. Why he didn't do that today I'm still not 100 % sure. But what can I do right? Not a damn fucking thing but sit here and just take it.
I just want to scream sometimes I really really do. I want to be back home. I think I'm going crazy here. I've been here for 9 months 9 fucking months. I don't have any friends, the only guy I met here wanted to fuck me...oh yay there. I don't go out by myself to much. I don't leave the apartment for days on end. I just don't know what I'm doing with my life. I was suppose to be spending this time trying to figure it out. But you can't you can't just figure it all out. I don't really wanna go back to school though I know it will be good for me (or so everyone I know tells me) I just don't know I don't seem to fit in I do well enough when I go to classes. But still...I just don't belong anywhere anymore, people I know have grown and changed so much when I look into their eyes I seem to see hate.
I'm so sick of holding my tongue of how I really feel that this moment in time.
Anthony doesn't talk to any of us anymore. Even me, and he has a new girlfriend still in high school (of course seems to be the theme) and they've known eachother for about 3 months and they want to get married in the fall...Oct something or other. Now I think Anthony has a lot of issues too many for me to get into right now.
And then there's Christina who even though I know her and Trish don't get along. Take the fucking high road man, her mother fucking died and all you can do is a send a stupid card and when you see her not even talk to her just act like shes not even there. *shakes head* Stupid thats all I can say is stupid. I guess "new girlfriend" doesn't like me because of the way I treat Christina...well news flash I've known the girl for 5 mother fucking years if she's being a bitch I don't think I could have to bite my tongue on it. Oh yes that brings me to the wonderful topic of Jessica...I seem to call new gf Jessica a lot...though never in front of the happy couple. Trina does go "wrong name, new gf." But yes I guess or so I've heard from around the block that Jessica and Stephanie are "married" but that was told in the highest of shushness so shhh keep it secret keep it safe. Whatever I don't care. Christina and Anthony are one in the same they take love as the true blind thing every damn time and every damn time they get burned. Youd think they'd learn hey maybe shes not the one maybe shes just using me! But no we all just sit back and watch it happen and I'm suppose to pick up the fucking pieces every damn time.
I'm sick of this bullshit. This bullshit and that entered my life in the form of friendship and relationships. None of it really matters. I have 3 people just 3 people who have been by my side of have carried me there the dark moments in my life. When from the one I wanted help from all I heard was "I'm going to bed you're in one of your moods again" WELL FUCK YEAH IM IN A MOOD YOU JUST FUCKED MY OVER BITCH! Trish Andy and Trina. They are my strength they are what has gonna be by here. Even though I dont talk to them as much as I should or want too. I know when I call they well be there ready and welling. Which my dearest "friend" I can rub that in your face...Trish the one you dislike so much is better than you. I wish I could back hand you like I did that day. You deserve it so much. *deep breath* but I won't Ill call you. You'll be at work say you'll call back the wk and half will go by. And I'll be gone again, because thats the way we work. You ignore me, and I hate you for it. All because hell I dont even know why. You work too much? (you cant take a 30 mins lunch break and have some food with me?) no no no that would be way to hard. Hmm oh your girlfriend doesn't like me anymore, so you have to obey her right? She will be your "wife" and all...I swear. Im so sick of this high school bullshit this stupid Melodrama and it always comes back in the form of 2 people. Anthony and Christina...Christina the oldest and Anthony the youngest and yet they both date girls in high school, and though they both did JUST turn 18. Come on people date someone your own fucking age for once...stop chasing the lil girls in skirts! Before someone decides to make charges...it is illegal to be with someone of the same sex in Arizona you know.
Just another day of disappointments I suppose. Trish called me today it was nice to hear from her I should of been calling her more. I should be talking to a lot of people more but I'm keeping really odd hours and they dont really like me talk to people during the day that much anymore.
I just saw one of the oddest things in my life Johnny Cash was singing Hurt (I'm not totally sure if Nine Inch Nails did I a cover from Cash or the other way around) but either way it was interesting.
My bathroom looks likes and feels like a hotel room. I've been living out of my suitcase for the past 2 days. But we were suppose to leave on Tuesday and with 30 mins to go because I finished packing because dad said "go ahead and finish" and then not 10 mins later it was "you didnt finish did you? because you need to unpack. I just got a fire" *shakes head* and then tomorrow he has to go back to a fire scene to try and find some work light that may of caused the fire. Why he didn't do that today I'm still not 100 % sure. But what can I do right? Not a damn fucking thing but sit here and just take it.
I just want to scream sometimes I really really do. I want to be back home. I think I'm going crazy here. I've been here for 9 months 9 fucking months. I don't have any friends, the only guy I met here wanted to fuck me...oh yay there. I don't go out by myself to much. I don't leave the apartment for days on end. I just don't know what I'm doing with my life. I was suppose to be spending this time trying to figure it out. But you can't you can't just figure it all out. I don't really wanna go back to school though I know it will be good for me (or so everyone I know tells me) I just don't know I don't seem to fit in I do well enough when I go to classes. But still...I just don't belong anywhere anymore, people I know have grown and changed so much when I look into their eyes I seem to see hate.
I'm so sick of holding my tongue of how I really feel that this moment in time.
Anthony doesn't talk to any of us anymore. Even me, and he has a new girlfriend still in high school (of course seems to be the theme) and they've known eachother for about 3 months and they want to get married in the fall...Oct something or other. Now I think Anthony has a lot of issues too many for me to get into right now.
And then there's Christina who even though I know her and Trish don't get along. Take the fucking high road man, her mother fucking died and all you can do is a send a stupid card and when you see her not even talk to her just act like shes not even there. *shakes head* Stupid thats all I can say is stupid. I guess "new girlfriend" doesn't like me because of the way I treat Christina...well news flash I've known the girl for 5 mother fucking years if she's being a bitch I don't think I could have to bite my tongue on it. Oh yes that brings me to the wonderful topic of Jessica...I seem to call new gf Jessica a lot...though never in front of the happy couple. Trina does go "wrong name, new gf." But yes I guess or so I've heard from around the block that Jessica and Stephanie are "married" but that was told in the highest of shushness so shhh keep it secret keep it safe. Whatever I don't care. Christina and Anthony are one in the same they take love as the true blind thing every damn time and every damn time they get burned. Youd think they'd learn hey maybe shes not the one maybe shes just using me! But no we all just sit back and watch it happen and I'm suppose to pick up the fucking pieces every damn time.
I'm sick of this bullshit. This bullshit and that entered my life in the form of friendship and relationships. None of it really matters. I have 3 people just 3 people who have been by my side of have carried me there the dark moments in my life. When from the one I wanted help from all I heard was "I'm going to bed you're in one of your moods again" WELL FUCK YEAH IM IN A MOOD YOU JUST FUCKED MY OVER BITCH! Trish Andy and Trina. They are my strength they are what has gonna be by here. Even though I dont talk to them as much as I should or want too. I know when I call they well be there ready and welling. Which my dearest "friend" I can rub that in your face...Trish the one you dislike so much is better than you. I wish I could back hand you like I did that day. You deserve it so much. *deep breath* but I won't Ill call you. You'll be at work say you'll call back the wk and half will go by. And I'll be gone again, because thats the way we work. You ignore me, and I hate you for it. All because hell I dont even know why. You work too much? (you cant take a 30 mins lunch break and have some food with me?) no no no that would be way to hard. Hmm oh your girlfriend doesn't like me anymore, so you have to obey her right? She will be your "wife" and all...I swear. Im so sick of this high school bullshit this stupid Melodrama and it always comes back in the form of 2 people. Anthony and Christina...Christina the oldest and Anthony the youngest and yet they both date girls in high school, and though they both did JUST turn 18. Come on people date someone your own fucking age for once...stop chasing the lil girls in skirts! Before someone decides to make charges...it is illegal to be with someone of the same sex in Arizona you know.
March 10,2003
I can't believe Trisha would use Ray against me. But then again I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all she doesn't love her husband or even her own child. And with on going in her belly. I feel so sorry for Emmers and this new one. They don't want this baby, you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices when they talk about her being pregrant again. Not that they can offord it with her not working. And him pulling wages in Yuma, Az. The wonderful taxes payers of Az will be paying for her doc visit and this birth as well as Emmers visits. What's sad is when she was born she was suppose to get all this shots and everything to make sure she wasnt allergic to anything. I think she was like 4 or 5 months when they finally took her. Because they always needed to do that paperwork and just never did it.
Now that her mother is gone, she talks about how she misses her. And how she never realized how much she talked to her during the day. She didn't talk to her. She was so mad at her mother before she died. She couldn't stand the way she wanted to be treated like a child. And now out of the blue its "I love her so much" "i miss her". And yes I went to Yuma for Trisha, and I did call her and go by her apt but when I was at her dad's house he wont look at me or talk to me or even be in the same room as me, and her sister did the same. And truth be told no I dont want to help take care of 3 kids that shes being paid to "take care of" because she doesn't do a damn thing. So Id call even she could of gone out or came over or gone home at least. But no she waited for Andy at 9 and then waited till 10 11 to go home. And not call me back. And well I got sick of it. And she said oh yeah we were home you should of come by. Trina and Trisha are in the same apt buidling the same fucking block. And I had to do everything and I did. Till I finally said fuck it.
And I went there and I tried. And she lays all this guilt trip on me, when Mary didn't even go to her own Aunt's funeral. Mary didnt do a damn thing. And yet I get it all?!? I don't think so. She emails me telling me
"so don't worry about it if you are going to continue to be upset. don't have time on this earth to be upset all of the time and it's to exhausting to do so. i lerned that first part from ray"
I'm sorry but if I'm being attacked I'm going to get upset and attack back. I dont just sit here and take her shit anymore. I have so much shit I can say about her. Yet I keep it all inside. And she uses Ray against me?!? She didn't even like her! She doesn't like anyone new. I used to make friends and they won't hang out with her because she was so cold and threating to them. And she can't stand the fact that here I am. Not pregrant for the second time, not married to a man I can't stand and fights with me all the time. I'm 19 my parents pay every damn thing I want or dont even want. And I can do to college if I want. I can do just about anything I want. And all I do is sleep all day, and do a little lite work around the house. I have all this and I dont use it. *evil laugh* I pity her, and I pity Andy for thinking he would make it work. But as I've said before, out with the old. I'm taking out the trash again.
I can't believe Trisha would use Ray against me. But then again I guess I shouldn't be surprised. After all she doesn't love her husband or even her own child. And with on going in her belly. I feel so sorry for Emmers and this new one. They don't want this baby, you can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices when they talk about her being pregrant again. Not that they can offord it with her not working. And him pulling wages in Yuma, Az. The wonderful taxes payers of Az will be paying for her doc visit and this birth as well as Emmers visits. What's sad is when she was born she was suppose to get all this shots and everything to make sure she wasnt allergic to anything. I think she was like 4 or 5 months when they finally took her. Because they always needed to do that paperwork and just never did it.
Now that her mother is gone, she talks about how she misses her. And how she never realized how much she talked to her during the day. She didn't talk to her. She was so mad at her mother before she died. She couldn't stand the way she wanted to be treated like a child. And now out of the blue its "I love her so much" "i miss her". And yes I went to Yuma for Trisha, and I did call her and go by her apt but when I was at her dad's house he wont look at me or talk to me or even be in the same room as me, and her sister did the same. And truth be told no I dont want to help take care of 3 kids that shes being paid to "take care of" because she doesn't do a damn thing. So Id call even she could of gone out or came over or gone home at least. But no she waited for Andy at 9 and then waited till 10 11 to go home. And not call me back. And well I got sick of it. And she said oh yeah we were home you should of come by. Trina and Trisha are in the same apt buidling the same fucking block. And I had to do everything and I did. Till I finally said fuck it.
And I went there and I tried. And she lays all this guilt trip on me, when Mary didn't even go to her own Aunt's funeral. Mary didnt do a damn thing. And yet I get it all?!? I don't think so. She emails me telling me
"so don't worry about it if you are going to continue to be upset. don't have time on this earth to be upset all of the time and it's to exhausting to do so. i lerned that first part from ray"
I'm sorry but if I'm being attacked I'm going to get upset and attack back. I dont just sit here and take her shit anymore. I have so much shit I can say about her. Yet I keep it all inside. And she uses Ray against me?!? She didn't even like her! She doesn't like anyone new. I used to make friends and they won't hang out with her because she was so cold and threating to them. And she can't stand the fact that here I am. Not pregrant for the second time, not married to a man I can't stand and fights with me all the time. I'm 19 my parents pay every damn thing I want or dont even want. And I can do to college if I want. I can do just about anything I want. And all I do is sleep all day, and do a little lite work around the house. I have all this and I dont use it. *evil laugh* I pity her, and I pity Andy for thinking he would make it work. But as I've said before, out with the old. I'm taking out the trash again.
March 17,2003
I dont know this whole Elizabeth Smart thing has me thinking of Ray and why they didn't do the same thing for her. It just upsets me. That Elizabeth got more coverage because she was younger and cuter and what not. *sigh* maybe Ray could of come home alive. Though I knew deep down inside she wasn't gonna. I miss her.
I dont know this whole Elizabeth Smart thing has me thinking of Ray and why they didn't do the same thing for her. It just upsets me. That Elizabeth got more coverage because she was younger and cuter and what not. *sigh* maybe Ray could of come home alive. Though I knew deep down inside she wasn't gonna. I miss her.
Thursday March 28, 2003
I've been dreaming about Wes lately. And thinking about him, I'm not really sure why but I am. I'm almost worried if I gave a fair chance or not. Being too honest with him. I don't know. I guess I'm just hoping that I didn't let Trisha take over another one of my relationships.
She emailed me the other wk saying she misses me. Total bullshit. Shes just lonely and I'm the closet thing she's got to a friend. Because everyone else has left her. But she did it to herself really. She wanted things this way, and so she's got it. I give Andy a couple of years for either divorce, cheating, or beating. There all pretty equal to eachother.
Sabrina rented a movie called "Lost and Delirious" - awesome movie! Two girls in boarding school who are in love with each other. But one girls sister saw them in bed together. And so she called it all off and got herself a boyfriend. And just moved on while her ex-girlfriend tries to get her back. Dressing like a guy for the father-daughter dance, resisting pomes, changelling her boyfriend to win her heart.
In the end the ex ends up "flying" away. Its so sad, because I've been each of those girls. I know what its like to give up a love for your family for society. For fear really, and I also know what its like to try to win back a past love I would of done anything to win Nina (Christina) back to have her be mine again. It seems so stupid and young now. Its kinda painful to watch knowing every moment and every emotion reliving that part of my life to no end.
Tina (Trina's roommate) took Trina's car to phx today to go have an aboration. She's already got 3 kids in Vegas with her mom, who is the hopistal right now...a stroke I think. But it just makes me so mad. That she can just take Trinas car and leave Trina without a ride from work. Yeah she got her friend to give Trina a ride to work today but what about tomorrow? I dont know people just take for grained that Trina cant say no. Even her family. Seeing her sisters at the store with her going I want I want I want. Sabrina I can kinda understand she's only 16 and is used to giving shit. But her older sister whos like 24 or something and has a husband and 2 of her own kids. Its just sad to see her and her family and how the live. I wish I could do something but what can I do but call Child Service on them, which has been done before. Its pointless it just makes me thankful. I grew up the way I did. I could never live through what Trina has. And shes so "normal" she should be a hella lot for fucked up than she is. *sigh* I just want to show her the love she never got as a kid. I hope I'm going a good job.
I've been dreaming about Wes lately. And thinking about him, I'm not really sure why but I am. I'm almost worried if I gave a fair chance or not. Being too honest with him. I don't know. I guess I'm just hoping that I didn't let Trisha take over another one of my relationships.
She emailed me the other wk saying she misses me. Total bullshit. Shes just lonely and I'm the closet thing she's got to a friend. Because everyone else has left her. But she did it to herself really. She wanted things this way, and so she's got it. I give Andy a couple of years for either divorce, cheating, or beating. There all pretty equal to eachother.
Sabrina rented a movie called "Lost and Delirious" - awesome movie! Two girls in boarding school who are in love with each other. But one girls sister saw them in bed together. And so she called it all off and got herself a boyfriend. And just moved on while her ex-girlfriend tries to get her back. Dressing like a guy for the father-daughter dance, resisting pomes, changelling her boyfriend to win her heart.
In the end the ex ends up "flying" away. Its so sad, because I've been each of those girls. I know what its like to give up a love for your family for society. For fear really, and I also know what its like to try to win back a past love I would of done anything to win Nina (Christina) back to have her be mine again. It seems so stupid and young now. Its kinda painful to watch knowing every moment and every emotion reliving that part of my life to no end.
Tina (Trina's roommate) took Trina's car to phx today to go have an aboration. She's already got 3 kids in Vegas with her mom, who is the hopistal right now...a stroke I think. But it just makes me so mad. That she can just take Trinas car and leave Trina without a ride from work. Yeah she got her friend to give Trina a ride to work today but what about tomorrow? I dont know people just take for grained that Trina cant say no. Even her family. Seeing her sisters at the store with her going I want I want I want. Sabrina I can kinda understand she's only 16 and is used to giving shit. But her older sister whos like 24 or something and has a husband and 2 of her own kids. Its just sad to see her and her family and how the live. I wish I could do something but what can I do but call Child Service on them, which has been done before. Its pointless it just makes me thankful. I grew up the way I did. I could never live through what Trina has. And shes so "normal" she should be a hella lot for fucked up than she is. *sigh* I just want to show her the love she never got as a kid. I hope I'm going a good job.
Monday March 31, 2003
I never realized it till about 3 mins ago my father hates me. Hates me with such passion. He says I hate myself. We all know that thats never changed from when I was 8 till now. He can hurt me like a knife in the gut. Without blinking an eyelash. I hate myself and I always will because I can never really be me. I have to fit to what they want of me. Bryan did this so I have to make it all better. Its been that way ever since I was a little kid. I dont need some stupid fight over a chair to tell me how much I'm not what they want me to be. I can't leave and I can't stay. I'm stick in hell because it makes them happy. Your parents arent suppose to hate you. He says I was giving him a glaring look I wasn't looking at him any differently then he was at me. I wish I could just die. Just have the guts to kill myself to end their pain their disappointment in me. End it all I'm so tired of being everyones scape goat. Hes had a bad day I say hi the wrong way next thing I know Im in tears and his probably smiling to himself. Feeling better putting me down. What can I do? What the fuck can I do that will ever make them happy? Be enough for their. Bryan can sit high and proud while Im kicked to the ground. He was lucky to get away when he could. I wish I had that strength. I wish I had to the strength to take a knife or gun it doesnt matter, anymore. There is no point in worring which way to go as long as Im gone. So I dont have to shed another fucking tear for that man. He hates me so why should I love him? when all he does is make me cry while he silencely smiles to himself with pride.
I never realized it till about 3 mins ago my father hates me. Hates me with such passion. He says I hate myself. We all know that thats never changed from when I was 8 till now. He can hurt me like a knife in the gut. Without blinking an eyelash. I hate myself and I always will because I can never really be me. I have to fit to what they want of me. Bryan did this so I have to make it all better. Its been that way ever since I was a little kid. I dont need some stupid fight over a chair to tell me how much I'm not what they want me to be. I can't leave and I can't stay. I'm stick in hell because it makes them happy. Your parents arent suppose to hate you. He says I was giving him a glaring look I wasn't looking at him any differently then he was at me. I wish I could just die. Just have the guts to kill myself to end their pain their disappointment in me. End it all I'm so tired of being everyones scape goat. Hes had a bad day I say hi the wrong way next thing I know Im in tears and his probably smiling to himself. Feeling better putting me down. What can I do? What the fuck can I do that will ever make them happy? Be enough for their. Bryan can sit high and proud while Im kicked to the ground. He was lucky to get away when he could. I wish I had that strength. I wish I had to the strength to take a knife or gun it doesnt matter, anymore. There is no point in worring which way to go as long as Im gone. So I dont have to shed another fucking tear for that man. He hates me so why should I love him? when all he does is make me cry while he silencely smiles to himself with pride.
Wednesday April 2, 2003
Well no big April Fools jokes which kinda surprised me. I figured Christina would get me back for the pregrant thing I pulled on her last night. Wow its been a whole year from that. Dude I remember it like it was yesterday, freaky. But yeah to my point.
I'm moving...once again. Back to Yuma I go. I hate it here and I cant stay here. And I finally stood up to my parents and let them know my plans. And their response is not what I thought I was gonna get. Though when mom first told dad he said "No" flat out. But then after he calmed down I suppose he said he'd help me move and help with first three months rent. And first big food spree. Thats what they did for Bryan so its only fair to do it for me. So this summer I'm packing up and shippin out. They talked about me going to school full-time and maybe having a part time job. Though I'm not gonna put all my eggs in that handbag. I cant do full time school and work anymore that much I know I almost killed myself last time and one thing will have to go and its always been school. So yeah side notes Abby (my cat) just got in my bath tub...werid cat. And I wont be able to take my kitty cat
maybe tritan. So in a couple months I'll start packing myself up, I'm already wanting to pack. I love packing this I dont know its werid. I think I'm gonna have to get rid of a lot of the things I've had forever lil things I dont need or like anymore to make it easier to move up the flight of stairs. Though the way the stairwell is its gonna be hard with my bed and box spring and frame all 4 posts. But yeah I just hope I'm doing it the right way this time. Me and Trina together and living together I hope it can work out.
Well no big April Fools jokes which kinda surprised me. I figured Christina would get me back for the pregrant thing I pulled on her last night. Wow its been a whole year from that. Dude I remember it like it was yesterday, freaky. But yeah to my point.
I'm moving...once again. Back to Yuma I go. I hate it here and I cant stay here. And I finally stood up to my parents and let them know my plans. And their response is not what I thought I was gonna get. Though when mom first told dad he said "No" flat out. But then after he calmed down I suppose he said he'd help me move and help with first three months rent. And first big food spree. Thats what they did for Bryan so its only fair to do it for me. So this summer I'm packing up and shippin out. They talked about me going to school full-time and maybe having a part time job. Though I'm not gonna put all my eggs in that handbag. I cant do full time school and work anymore that much I know I almost killed myself last time and one thing will have to go and its always been school. So yeah side notes Abby (my cat) just got in my bath tub...werid cat. And I wont be able to take my kitty cat
maybe tritan. So in a couple months I'll start packing myself up, I'm already wanting to pack. I love packing this I dont know its werid. I think I'm gonna have to get rid of a lot of the things I've had forever lil things I dont need or like anymore to make it easier to move up the flight of stairs. Though the way the stairwell is its gonna be hard with my bed and box spring and frame all 4 posts. But yeah I just hope I'm doing it the right way this time. Me and Trina together and living together I hope it can work out.Sunday April 6, 2003
I had a dream last night, and I know this is going to sound like a total guy thing to say but I know what girls what to use stap-ons. To be inside someone else...girls cant do that the way guys can. And with all the toys now a days there is no end in your choicing.
And I just realized how many secrets I hold. Mostly other peoples, none really my own.
And talking with Trina I just realized (a lot of self discovery tonight) that I didnt have favorite things growing up. I like grill cheese for a whole year that all I ate. And I almost died once and starved another time. And I like tinker bell nail polish I think all I remember is it peeled off and to this day I love picking at my nail polish. And I had my first kiss from one of my brothers first under his fort made of white sheets. And I still can't swim alone to this day after Jaws. But all that was in Japan. I dont remember much after we moved to the states. I remember Crystal and our lil playing "make out" in her closet. And the older girls on the block callin me names because of my hair. But not much till jr high or at least 6th grade. What happened from pre k to 6th grade that I want to block out? Does it have anything to do with the dreams I still have? The ones I dont tell anyone now? What happened?
I had a dream last night, and I know this is going to sound like a total guy thing to say but I know what girls what to use stap-ons. To be inside someone else...girls cant do that the way guys can. And with all the toys now a days there is no end in your choicing.
And I just realized how many secrets I hold. Mostly other peoples, none really my own.
And talking with Trina I just realized (a lot of self discovery tonight) that I didnt have favorite things growing up. I like grill cheese for a whole year that all I ate. And I almost died once and starved another time. And I like tinker bell nail polish I think all I remember is it peeled off and to this day I love picking at my nail polish. And I had my first kiss from one of my brothers first under his fort made of white sheets. And I still can't swim alone to this day after Jaws. But all that was in Japan. I dont remember much after we moved to the states. I remember Crystal and our lil playing "make out" in her closet. And the older girls on the block callin me names because of my hair. But not much till jr high or at least 6th grade. What happened from pre k to 6th grade that I want to block out? Does it have anything to do with the dreams I still have? The ones I dont tell anyone now? What happened?
Thursday April 10, 2003
Day light savings is kickin my ass. Bc Trina is an hr later than me. I stay up an hr early (if that makes sense) to talk with her. Though lately is been really fuckin hard to do. I love her so much and I get so fuckin jealous. That I think and say things I shouldn't.
But Brian sat on the my couch and told me it was his best friend, Amber. While telling his girlfriend I was part of Franks family. And I sat there and listened to him joke about it was his other girlfriend. And I'm sure while he was on the phone with me he had Lauriann there. So when Trina goes Tina's home and I remember how Trina and Sabrina used to talk about Tina and how jealous I was of her. And Tina had liked Trina and I think she is does because whenever I'm in town Tina is no where to be found. Timmy had the same problem only he was more "you are" and I'm more "I feel" thats what keeps you out of trouble. But Trina said Tina was home and stopped talking to me and I just got his picture in my head of Tina going over to Trina and giving her a "hello kiss". And it made me so insane I thought if I got off the net it would go away but it didnt it got worse. So I tried to call her cell phone though I know it was dead I thought maybe she put it on the charge and turned it on that didnt work. So I tried the house phone no on picked up I got back on the net she wasnt on AIM or ICQ. So I was freaking out pacing my room with thoughts of her turning to Tina for comfort and I just fall to ground crying and I wrote her an email saying I was sorry.
Its not that I dont dislike Tina I dont know anything about her. Well I know too much about her but not from her I dont think we've ever talked outside of "hey" "hi"
And itsn ot that I distrust Trina its more Im trying to prepair myself I guess lets face it:
Christina-cheated
Wes- didnt wanna be with me (he wanted Trisha Ive always had issues when it comes to her ppl always love her more than me, and I dont understand why. Shes just a lil bit more shy an I am. But for the most part we have the same likes and dislikes. And everyone I dated or friends always ended up wanting her. I think I was really depressed about it for a long ass time. Still kinda am)
Brian-cheated a couple of times
Something about me that just set peoples off. And hello Trina tells me while back that Tina and Timmy were having sex Tina said to "Moan Trina Moan" to Timmy. Then they break up for good (uh huh sure) And Tina starts talking about her ex girlfriend. And what am I suppose to be thinking?Tina used or does still like Trina and all the warning signs are there. So yeah Im freaking out because I think I found a good thing. Really my last thing. If this doenst work out then thats it. Brian was my last guy. And Trina will be my last girl. Im sick of this damn love game. Its beat me into the ground. Yeah Im not even 20 and Ill probably change my mind somewhere along the line. But if you think about it really 5 people in 2 years. Now everything together can we say "slut?" Yeah 2 of love and the rest of loneliness. Which is so sad yeah one Brian I thought turned into love But it was all a game. Whos to say its not all a game now. Im in another fuckin state I have no control over anything but my own action or lack of action. Hello in 1 and half months I would of been here for a yr. And not one friend only talked to one person fucked him (kinda walked out) I came here so alive so ready to be and do what I needed to.
Then I lost Christina. My only life line and none of it matter not sleeping with Nick or sleeping all day not sleeping with Brian I could of been raped and yet not felt a thing. And I truely believe that! But Trina and I started talking again and its werid we've onl hang out 9 time in person really.
-my bday -sletp over
-a mini party -concert
-wes eng pro -her house
-2 wks at her apt
But I know I loved her and I want to move in with her and give her all the things she never got as a kid. And I know if I keep thinking and acting the way I am. Im going to lose her to myself. My worst enemy. But the thoughts wouldnt go away its like a poison once its there it slowly kills you and its already starting to happen. Because Im stupid and I tell her everything I tried to explain and she had to defend herself. Though she did nothing wrong Trying to prove my thoughts are in vain. Its just like me accusing her of something.
Which I didnt never ever do that unless you have proof. Only youll get your ass kicked in a big way I just dont know what to do. I want to be there and neither one of my parents will set down and talk about it with me. Outside of moms "Im not letting go of you." (as she buys me things for the apt. I might add) And I wish I could be there by end if June not beginning I dont want anything for my b-day. Ive givin up on parties and cakes and getting people together. But I will be 20 No more damn teenager. Where did all the time go?
Oh yeah hats right...sleeping..
Day light savings is kickin my ass. Bc Trina is an hr later than me. I stay up an hr early (if that makes sense) to talk with her. Though lately is been really fuckin hard to do. I love her so much and I get so fuckin jealous. That I think and say things I shouldn't.
But Brian sat on the my couch and told me it was his best friend, Amber. While telling his girlfriend I was part of Franks family. And I sat there and listened to him joke about it was his other girlfriend. And I'm sure while he was on the phone with me he had Lauriann there. So when Trina goes Tina's home and I remember how Trina and Sabrina used to talk about Tina and how jealous I was of her. And Tina had liked Trina and I think she is does because whenever I'm in town Tina is no where to be found. Timmy had the same problem only he was more "you are" and I'm more "I feel" thats what keeps you out of trouble. But Trina said Tina was home and stopped talking to me and I just got his picture in my head of Tina going over to Trina and giving her a "hello kiss". And it made me so insane I thought if I got off the net it would go away but it didnt it got worse. So I tried to call her cell phone though I know it was dead I thought maybe she put it on the charge and turned it on that didnt work. So I tried the house phone no on picked up I got back on the net she wasnt on AIM or ICQ. So I was freaking out pacing my room with thoughts of her turning to Tina for comfort and I just fall to ground crying and I wrote her an email saying I was sorry.
Its not that I dont dislike Tina I dont know anything about her. Well I know too much about her but not from her I dont think we've ever talked outside of "hey" "hi"
And itsn ot that I distrust Trina its more Im trying to prepair myself I guess lets face it:
Christina-cheated
Wes- didnt wanna be with me (he wanted Trisha Ive always had issues when it comes to her ppl always love her more than me, and I dont understand why. Shes just a lil bit more shy an I am. But for the most part we have the same likes and dislikes. And everyone I dated or friends always ended up wanting her. I think I was really depressed about it for a long ass time. Still kinda am)
Brian-cheated a couple of times
Something about me that just set peoples off. And hello Trina tells me while back that Tina and Timmy were having sex Tina said to "Moan Trina Moan" to Timmy. Then they break up for good (uh huh sure) And Tina starts talking about her ex girlfriend. And what am I suppose to be thinking?Tina used or does still like Trina and all the warning signs are there. So yeah Im freaking out because I think I found a good thing. Really my last thing. If this doenst work out then thats it. Brian was my last guy. And Trina will be my last girl. Im sick of this damn love game. Its beat me into the ground. Yeah Im not even 20 and Ill probably change my mind somewhere along the line. But if you think about it really 5 people in 2 years. Now everything together can we say "slut?" Yeah 2 of love and the rest of loneliness. Which is so sad yeah one Brian I thought turned into love But it was all a game. Whos to say its not all a game now. Im in another fuckin state I have no control over anything but my own action or lack of action. Hello in 1 and half months I would of been here for a yr. And not one friend only talked to one person fucked him (kinda walked out) I came here so alive so ready to be and do what I needed to.
Then I lost Christina. My only life line and none of it matter not sleeping with Nick or sleeping all day not sleeping with Brian I could of been raped and yet not felt a thing. And I truely believe that! But Trina and I started talking again and its werid we've onl hang out 9 time in person really.
-my bday -sletp over
-a mini party -concert
-wes eng pro -her house
-2 wks at her apt
But I know I loved her and I want to move in with her and give her all the things she never got as a kid. And I know if I keep thinking and acting the way I am. Im going to lose her to myself. My worst enemy. But the thoughts wouldnt go away its like a poison once its there it slowly kills you and its already starting to happen. Because Im stupid and I tell her everything I tried to explain and she had to defend herself. Though she did nothing wrong Trying to prove my thoughts are in vain. Its just like me accusing her of something.
Which I didnt never ever do that unless you have proof. Only youll get your ass kicked in a big way I just dont know what to do. I want to be there and neither one of my parents will set down and talk about it with me. Outside of moms "Im not letting go of you." (as she buys me things for the apt. I might add) And I wish I could be there by end if June not beginning I dont want anything for my b-day. Ive givin up on parties and cakes and getting people together. But I will be 20 No more damn teenager. Where did all the time go?
Oh yeah hats right...sleeping..
Saturday April 12, 2003
Though really the 11th for me its 816 and still sleepless. Im getting really bad at this again. I think I know why I like sleeping in the light I can see whats coming at me. Yeah I know pretty stupid reason. But the habit of reading true crime books on all the Big shots killers and A&E cold case files and then you have Law & Order. I just get this feeling when I die its not going to be pretty Rape, torture, decapation, necrophla the whole nine yards. Plus ever since I was little the dreams. The dreams that wont go away no matter how old I am. One head doc told me I was making them up for attention. But I only remember telling one person mom (of course) and she didnt believe me so I dont talk about them anymore. But yeah death is always two steps behind its just a matter of time before you lose your footing and fall back those two steps.
I realize your first love you werent their first love unless it was back when hitting meant love. Christina oh the issues I still have with that girl. I dont know if Ill be able to have her in my life. Ha thats a joke like she even wants me in hers. Im just the self fucked up girl. Youd be stupid to love me. Even I know that.
Issues Issues Issues do they ever go away? Do they ever get solved? Love-friendship-trust-betrayal-jealousy. I have the common ones.
Love- everyone I love leaves
Friendship- everyone I befriend leaves me, or lies
Trust-well hard to trust with all the leaving and cheating
Betrayal-see above
Jealousy-I know what I have will end so I want it all to myself for what time I have
God Im such a spoiled brat! And I complain so damn much. Like what I feel or think really fucking matter to anyone or anything. I was born: I "live" I torment myself with this shit I call thinking and feeling and then I die. No wonder everyone leaves huh? Id leave myself, but Im too weak
Though really the 11th for me its 816 and still sleepless. Im getting really bad at this again. I think I know why I like sleeping in the light I can see whats coming at me. Yeah I know pretty stupid reason. But the habit of reading true crime books on all the Big shots killers and A&E cold case files and then you have Law & Order. I just get this feeling when I die its not going to be pretty Rape, torture, decapation, necrophla the whole nine yards. Plus ever since I was little the dreams. The dreams that wont go away no matter how old I am. One head doc told me I was making them up for attention. But I only remember telling one person mom (of course) and she didnt believe me so I dont talk about them anymore. But yeah death is always two steps behind its just a matter of time before you lose your footing and fall back those two steps.
I realize your first love you werent their first love unless it was back when hitting meant love. Christina oh the issues I still have with that girl. I dont know if Ill be able to have her in my life. Ha thats a joke like she even wants me in hers. Im just the self fucked up girl. Youd be stupid to love me. Even I know that.
Issues Issues Issues do they ever go away? Do they ever get solved? Love-friendship-trust-betrayal-jealousy. I have the common ones.
Love- everyone I love leaves
Friendship- everyone I befriend leaves me, or lies
Trust-well hard to trust with all the leaving and cheating
Betrayal-see above
Jealousy-I know what I have will end so I want it all to myself for what time I have
God Im such a spoiled brat! And I complain so damn much. Like what I feel or think really fucking matter to anyone or anything. I was born: I "live" I torment myself with this shit I call thinking and feeling and then I die. No wonder everyone leaves huh? Id leave myself, but Im too weak
Thursday April 17, 2003
I want to take my past and wrap it around me like a blanket. I dont want to let go. I want to feel as safe and warm as I didnt then I was with my friends with my love. With the people who I thought loved me. I want to be selfish and have those girls though I couldn't have it all. I was left with nothing because thats the way love goes right? I want that innocence back I want that feeling of knowing I belong, I'm wanted. I've lost so much of myself become so numb and now its like a flood gate has opened and I dont know what to do. I want to call those girls (two the two mistakes Ive been in my life and they will never forgive me for) I want to call them and feel that warmth they gave to me, and I took without realizing the damage I left in my wake. Who knows maybe Im letting what ego I have take over thinking that I could of ever meant anything to them. Thinking that they really did love me, though I couldn't say it then knowing that see it in my eye but unwilling to speak the words would or could hurt for a life time. I wish I could go back and have it all. I want to wrap inside that pain and hurt, of being alone because I was to stupid to see what was going on in front of my face. That innocence that I lost when I woke up from my dreams and realized I've lost myself a long with everything and everyone I've ever known. Because I was, am unwilling to show all of me. Even the people who think they know all my secrets and feelings probably know nothing about me. How much I become what they need or what me to be. And now I have a chance to change myself, change my pattern of self-doubting and I dont know what to do. Do I go with I know how to do, or do I try to show myself and all my dull dark colors. Do I expose myself for how horrible and beautiful I can be. Or hide it all away and cry myself to sleep knowing what I'm doing and unwilling to change a god damn thing. Because this time, is the last time. The friends are gone, the love almost gone. So I shall be alone forever. God so dramaic huh? But its the past always doomed to repeat itself, so why try? Just another regret pasted me by. Life full of them.
I want to take my past and wrap it around me like a blanket. I dont want to let go. I want to feel as safe and warm as I didnt then I was with my friends with my love. With the people who I thought loved me. I want to be selfish and have those girls though I couldn't have it all. I was left with nothing because thats the way love goes right? I want that innocence back I want that feeling of knowing I belong, I'm wanted. I've lost so much of myself become so numb and now its like a flood gate has opened and I dont know what to do. I want to call those girls (two the two mistakes Ive been in my life and they will never forgive me for) I want to call them and feel that warmth they gave to me, and I took without realizing the damage I left in my wake. Who knows maybe Im letting what ego I have take over thinking that I could of ever meant anything to them. Thinking that they really did love me, though I couldn't say it then knowing that see it in my eye but unwilling to speak the words would or could hurt for a life time. I wish I could go back and have it all. I want to wrap inside that pain and hurt, of being alone because I was to stupid to see what was going on in front of my face. That innocence that I lost when I woke up from my dreams and realized I've lost myself a long with everything and everyone I've ever known. Because I was, am unwilling to show all of me. Even the people who think they know all my secrets and feelings probably know nothing about me. How much I become what they need or what me to be. And now I have a chance to change myself, change my pattern of self-doubting and I dont know what to do. Do I go with I know how to do, or do I try to show myself and all my dull dark colors. Do I expose myself for how horrible and beautiful I can be. Or hide it all away and cry myself to sleep knowing what I'm doing and unwilling to change a god damn thing. Because this time, is the last time. The friends are gone, the love almost gone. So I shall be alone forever. God so dramaic huh? But its the past always doomed to repeat itself, so why try? Just another regret pasted me by. Life full of them.