confused

[jellybean]

Jan 6, 2002
It feels like I can take a breath of fresh air. Bethany called me twice and emailed me. She was sorry she couldn't talk to me while I was there, but he won't let her. He knows I'm stronger than him, and would help her get away. Her friend Steph talked to me to thank me for helping her...not like I was going out of my way. Because to be honest in a way I'm helping her because I know it will hurt him. He needs her he wants her. And if he can't have her and I have some hand in that then that puts a bright smile on my face. To be honest tonight was the first night I felt okay. Like everything was going to be fine. She wants me to call him back and say I want him back. She wants to test him, but I don't think he'll take my calls. He'll know I'm trying to bitch him out or something. Which to be honest I probably would. I'm just happy with that fact that I'm the crazy bitch who everyone believes because their afraid. For once it's playing off to be a bitch YAY for woman everywhere. Show your true bitch in you! Steph said that girls can be caty but she's proud of me and Bethany because of how we're dealing with it. And to be honest I won't want to deal with it anyother way. I want some good to come out of this. And being stronger and making a new friend and helping her deal is a pretty damn good way to do it.
Frank said that Trisha talked to him, and said that if Brian ever goes to Yuma and she seeing him, she'll be serving him his nuts. The thing is I think just shes insane to try it. I think a lot more truth has come out of this more than lies. Oh by the way Brian met me in an Animal shelter (which I think I've been in once) but i was working there. And he was lonely and he felt sorry for me because I'm all suicidal crazy like. I am crazy like but I'm not suicidal I haven't been for 4 yrs. I'm so past that. The worst I've done is cut my legs...when I was with him. Because I just couldn't feel anything I wanted to feel. I don't really care if he gets what he deserves right now. Because I know his not happy and he won't be. He wasn't truely happy with me, or with Bethany. And I know I will be and so well she. And I'm okay with that. I think I'm past the I HAVE TO HURT HIM SO BAD! Yeah I want him to feel what I've felt, I want him to know that pain that I've dealt with. Not being safe inside my own house is hard to overcome. I still sleep with the tv on. I called to make the doc appt. and I have to wait till tomorrow because stupid me just couldn't say ok well pay for it out of pocket...nooo had to ask how much it would be. So tomorrow she'll call back and tell me and set up the appt.
Mom just said something that was good. He knows that he can kick Bethany around. And to be honest I can't say she'll take him back or what. And I don't think that even she knows. And I truly believe that in her I'm trying to find my hope and faith in people again. And that is the one way she can fuck me over. I think that's about the only way she can. I can understand not talking to me and shit...it is kind of an odd situation. But taking him back, after having me give so much time to try to build her up. That would just be slap in the face. Well, see what happens I supppse. I just hope that when I go to the doc everything is okay, and fine. I feel sick to my stomach I think it was just too much food in my tummy. I dont know if I want to get a tat to show this pain or not. I know with Ray there was no choice. I want to remember, but at the same time I dont want to give that too him. Plus my mom said that if I called him back, he could say that I was begging for him back, and he turned me down. Though it would be really fuckin funny if in the end me and Bethany ended up together. I so know that well never happen. She doens't seem to like chicks, but that would hurt his pride so much. To have his two ex gf's become lesbians together...how awesome would that be! But I just wanna met the girl in person, she knows what I look like and everything and I have no clue. I'm gonna go clean the kitchen before I forget.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 7, 2002
Karma right? It all comes back to you in the end. Or does it? I can't help but wonder what if just what if you can get away with everything and anything you want on this earth. And when you die nothing happens to you. What does happen to you when you die. I think that's why I'm not suicidal anymore, I have grown to fear death. To lay cold in the ground slowly rotting away or to be burned and put in metal and kept somewhere or laid out of the earth to be lost into a million pieces. How someone can want to poured into the ocan I can't understand in a since it's like have your body being cut into quarters and being sent to the 4 quarters of the earth. But what do I know right? I'm probably going to hell. I want to believe in God, I would love to believe in him. My first memory was in church I was in ever play ever chour ever group. I went to Sunday School, serves, then later that Wednesday nights AWWNA's (I probably spelled that wrong I'm sorry). I could memorize and repeat about 3 or 4 verses a night when I needed to. I grow up in the young group and helped in the Sunday School classes, and the AWWNA's I listened to and helped memorize and repeat the verses. I went to the weekend get togethers the little parties. Hell I had a couple myself. Little movie pizza swim, boys would go home girls would pass out. But somewhere along the way I questioned too much. I asked all the wrong questions. And when you bring your girlfriend to church the church doesn't like it. I lost my faith I think because of the church I grow up in...Baptists have the habit of turning their backs on things they don't like. I can't speak for the whole religion just what I've seen with my own eyes. They told me it's ok to have gay friends, it's not up to you to judge that's in God's hands. And then later when my parents went to them for help, they washed your hands clean of me. But God made me, yes I have choosen my own paths. I take that into my own hands those were my choices. And they don't always work out in the end hell none of them ever end well. But when I pray to him for help. I have begged him to lead me, tell me show me. I know you need faith, but faith in something you've never seen or hear or wonder if it's even true. I can have faith in air I can't see taste it, but it's there because I'm breathing, I'm alive. I know we had to start somewhere not just monkey because who made the monkey and not pound scum because how did the water get there. I understand the need for a higher being. I don't understand how he could set the paths for us to choice, and then punish us for choosing them. It's like a double standard. You can do this and you can be happy with it, but the price with be your health and people around the world well try to kill you hurt you yell at you. I don't understand they're were gay people in the Bible. Damnit if I had my Bible still I could sight cases. Anyways, he killed those people then, and his killing us now. Only now it's just not gay people or even sinner it's the innocent child in the mother womb. And he doesn't kill us slowly and with mercy. Now if you know we're sick it could take months years for us to die. While we dinne on pills and wonder if a common cold will kill us. I'm talking about AIDS of course. It almost sounds like its for sport.
And what about Heaven and hell? And all the other world of pleasure and pain you can go too. You're telling me that when I die I can go to Heaven where everyone else well be and it's going to be wonderful. Okay great I'm all for that. But what well happen? Well, you be able to have another chance of love while singing hymns at the Church of Heaven you'll see that one guy. Well, there be drama? I don't understand what happens when your in Heaven. You leave all earthy things behind but that's what we crave as human beings. We want earthy things.
Ok lets move on now to Hell. What happens in the burning pits of Hell. Where your ruled by a skinny man dressed in red with a tail. Satan was an angel I'm sure he has an angelic face. But what happens when your in Hell. Do you have to relive your fear for the rest of the after life. And just how long does the after life last? Is there any point in time where you can be redeemed and go to Heaven or the oppisite? I know religion isn't easy, and I know you have to go on faith, faith and the word of the Bible. But if you sit down and read the damn thing, it goes back on itself. It will say one thing in one chapter and then the oppisite in the next. What are you to believe? Just go on faith that it was misprint. And over the years I'm sure the Bible wasn't written in English So as we as humans and back in the old days just like with the King Henry (I do believe he is the right one) we make the rules to fit ourselves. He was bored with his wife so divorce or off with her head. So what's to say that we didn't bend a few things here and there. Now yes reading the Ten Commanments it all says good and nice. I have used the Lords name in vain, I have had premartial sex, I have been with someone of the same sex, I have marked my body (yes marking you body tattoos, preicing) it's all a sin. I am a sinner, but I want to learn I want to grow I want to live. And if there is a God I don't want him turning his back on me. All I can do if hope and pray that I make the right decisions in my life. And when it comes time for me to die, it will be peaceful and when I go to the "pearly gates" they well open. But I guess that is one of the questions of life. Everyone seems to find God on their death bed, I don't want to be one of those people. I've tried finding him when I was 8 again when I was 15 and now when I'm 19. His playing a wonderful game of Hide and Seek.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 8, 2003
Forgiveness. When should you forgive people? How do you come to forgive people? I've forgiven Christina and I'm sure her I for what happened in our relationship. Trisha Andy and myself, have kinda come upon a commom ground as it were. Though we're not close, not like we used to be. And we probably never well be again. Mandy Y. I want to write her a letter (if she still lives in the same house since 10th grade). But can I forgive Brian? And if I do forgive him, well I let him now? Outside the military I have no way of getting ahold of him. Once his off that base and goes back east, he well just become a memory. I guess my problem is, I don't like to let go. I want to hold onto the times that were, that are, and that could be. And I want to hold onto people, I don't like letting people go I never have I've always had a hard time dealing with things. Even my brothers pointed that out to me. I live in my own world a place I can hide. And sometimes I will break it down for someone but you have to show trust and love for me to do that. And I know when I say I hate someone and I'll never talk to them again and this and that. In the end after a couple of years, I want to know if their okay and see how their doing. I'm fucked up in the head! Help me!

 

[jellybean]

jan 9, 2003
I do believe I've been putting 2002 on the year sorry. Gotta get used to the change. Talked to my brother, I wish we were closer like we used to be. I used to relay on him, he was my strength and now if he talks to me for 2 minutes it seems to take up too much of his time. I let him read some of the things I've been writing. Melodrama city he says. I don't think he understand how much I look up to him. And how much his words can cut me down. I want things the way they were. Happiness, no troubles. Hell I don't even wanna be with anyone. As Hans said I was just a wkend thing. Brian didn't care, no one really ever does. I feel so old, used, and wore. *sigh* I don't wanna cry I'm not gonna cry. I'm too strong to let myself do that. I'll get over this. I'll be okay I have no choice. Too many people are watching waiting for me I can't be weak. I can't show it. I can't give in.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 9, 2003

I turned off my phone just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I feel bad Trina waits up for me. But I just like the silent hum of my computer or the noise of the TV. It doesn’t really matter I’m sick of “are you okay?” “how are you doing?”. How the fuck am I suppose to be doing? I got fucked by someone who was suppose to be helping and loving me. How do are you suppose to be doing when you realize for 5 months someone who lived in your house took care of you tucked you in at night didn’t even care about you? I as just there to full a whole nothing more. I can say this but I don’t know if even I fully understand it. I don’t want to I fall back on my crazy bitch side because I have to be strong. No one wants to sit on the phone with me for weeks on months trying to deal with the same things. So just push it down far so far even I can’t feel it. So it’s not my life anymore. It’s someone else. I want to go to Yuma hoping that when I come back it well be a fresh start. Because so far the new year sucked ass like nothing else. And I’ve had some pretty shitty new years! Christina called, she’s so cute sometimes I just like hearing from her, it puts a smile on my face and god knows nothing does that anymore. She wanted to know the gossip. Which is Lauriann says she stands by me but I know she’s gonna fuck him. He’ll be all no I didn’t do her to the guys because she’s a joke on base. Just another Marine groupie. Sad really And Brian won’t set foot in Yuma. I’m glad that’s mine! That’s my safe place. My home with everyone I love. He doesn’t deserved to be in a place like that. I hate my freaking rag. I didn’t really leave my bed today. Just hurts if I’m not in a ball. I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this. I can look back on Christina and be ok even Horn and Wes. But he doesn’t even deserve me saying his name.
I wish my brother could understand. I wish he didn’t think of me as weak. I don’t know what I did along the line but I made him ashamed of me. I disappointed him as I do my family. I can never get things right and I always end up in pain. But his opinion is the one I need. His approval. Jr year he reached his hand out to me and I took it not as a sister but as a friend. And now it seems he talks to me only because I’m his sister. Blood. He has to. Moving on.
Hans is really happy I’m happy for him I really am. I think his going to make a mistake. He’s young and so welling to take love at first sight as true pure love. Which is sweet in its innocence. But he’ll get fucked up I look at my parents and wonder how did they make it to 25 years? I’ve seen they fight 2 times in my 19 years with them. If they did or fight they never did it in front of us kids. Which just makes me wonder something else is wrong with them. Everyone I know their parents are re-married divorced or don’t even sleep in the same room. I don’t even want to get that way where I can’t even share a bed with the person I marry but at the same time. Brian tried to take naps with me and yeah when I was sick I give in. But normally it was a kick in to the leg or elbow to the chest and get out of my bed. The night before my grandma got here he slept on the floor because I was mad at him. And wouldn’t even let him sit on the my bed. I just don’t think now a days 25 years is possible.
God, do I even love these people? What is love? Did I ever love any of them? Or did I think I should of. When Brian asked what I thought or felt about him and I said I loved him. I meant in a friend way. But it was too late to take it back. It’s too late to take anything back. People get hurt in this game. That’s all it is a game. A rush among friends who can show the other on up the most. A game I will never win. I was destined to be alone at least for this point in my life. Which just brings me back to 6 months ago.
When I stepped foot on the cool air New Mexican desert. I need to be me. I need to find myself no one can full a hole in my heart. Hell I don’t even know if I can. But I’m sick of playing this game of w ho the family to be today. The black sheep for the family. never ending disappointment for my brother. Sister and Aunt for Trisha and Andy the person I was 4 years ago when we met. Always ready to pick Trina up. And Christina I’m not anything for her but someone she can dump all her troubles on then leave for a while. I know she cares but she just doesn’t see what she does or says sometimes I know she's got her own shit. Everyone does. But I’ve given her so much. Blood Sweat and Tears I’ve given everyone that. And I just can’t help but fell it was in vain. they know me the should know I’m not okay. Not fully. I know I don’t want to play the poor me card. I just wanna know I have someone. Even my parents believe me when I say I’m doing better they don't see me in the late night hours they, or hear the thoughts running through my head.
Am I able to love and care? Or is it just a mask I put on because I’m afraid what people will think of I don’t show any emotion. I’m going back to numb And I’m scared that soon. I’ll be too far gone to help myself. I question to many things. Things I can never say out lout for fear I’ll hurt someone. Too many people hurt too much pain. It never ends. It will never stop it’s a cycle just like life. Both don’t care, both hurt and will end up killing you. Shouldn’t I be feeling something? I know I’m not okay. I know I’m not happy. I don’t even know what happy is anymore. Things I thought were seem so cruel now. Maybe happiness is for the innocence and child-like. For people who really deserve. I must of done something so wrong somewhere in my life. Because all the people who say there at my side. I’m still alone. Full of pain, pain I can’t feel. Everyone leaves.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 11, 2003

Well, for once this year something is going my way. I have my doc appt on Wed and then on Sun Trina and Trisha are going to go to Phx to pick me up and I'm spending a wk with Trina in Yuma. Yay for Stacy. She gets to see her babies. Hopefully, I'll be able to stay a night with Mike and Ryan haven't seen them in a while and it'd be nice to hang out with all my friends. It's where I need to be.
being friends shouldn't be hard. The shit we'e been through together we should be able to stand side by side hand in hand. And be there for eachother right? But we can't whateer's happened over the years we didn't grieve and deal together. But apart too many things have grown inbetween us. I want to be able to call and know I'm not in the way but I am. Or on the phone we just can't seem to find something to talk about. I've known these people for 4 or 5 years and you can't find anything to talk about. It's so hard I want someone there for me but at the same time I don't want anyone to touch me. It's hard to explain.
I need someone I always need someone. But at the same time I feel if someone touches me, I'll freak I'm afraid of that long comforting hug. That embrace that is meant to mean so much. To show love and caring what if I don't feel that. What if I don't feel anything What if I'm already lost.
I always need someone to pick me up when I'm down. And being here I am totally alone. No one knows, no one understands what runs through my thoughts in the late hours of the morning. I wish I could explain. I wish I could understand it myself. All I know is I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid when I look in the mirror I wont be me. I won't be the person everyone knows. I think I've changed I think I'm grown to far apart. And I don't know if I can go back to what I was. I want to learn from this. But at the same time I'm not dealing I'm not realizing anything at all. I was fucked over by someone I thought loved me. And I know I'm colder, I know I'll think twice hell probably more like ten times before I look at someone else again. Or touch me the way he touched me. I'm so torn.
I want to be strong and do this on my own but at the same time I want to have someone to hold my hand. But then I want to ever let this happen to me again. And the only way I see that happening is if I close myself off. Become someone else totally. I need to take my life back, I've been running from it for too long. In 6 months I haven't gone anywhere. Maybe moving to New Mexico was the wrong thing to do. There are so many what if's things I can't change or take back. I'm not sure if I would of it I could of. Brian hurt me more than anyone else in my life ever has. But at the same time the love I thought was real that I is want to believe is or was. It was draws me back. With my wall up, I know I can save myself. As my brother told me so many years ago when I was ready to die. Your mind is a castle and you only you can choose who gets in. The drawbridge is closed. This is my mind, my body, my heart, and my soul. And I need to learn how to live life. I stay in this appt day in and day out. I don't go anywhere but the store with my mom. Or her school to help out. I don't go to the movies or mall or driving around on my own or with friends. I've forgotten what it's like to have a smile and laugh cross my lips. I've lost something along the way. I don't know if it was missing before or after Wes. But it's gone, something in me is gone or forgotten. A thought or a feeling I can't seem to place but I know I'm lacking.
I think if I start a relationship with a girl, then things will be okay. But then I wonder what if that guy is the one I'm meant to be with. Well I ever get it right? I'll I ever be able to be happy with my choice? God I dont want to be alone. I want to know I'm not the only fucked up person out there. My biggest fears have already taken place. I've been betrayed, I'm alone, and I'm growing numb. Well God what else do you want me to deal with? Mandy Ray how I wish I knew you were okay. How I wish I knew it wasn't my fault. All of it. Everyone leaves because I make them.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 12, 2003
It's just so hard. When I think I'm doing I'm over. It all comes back to me. I may not of knew if I really loved him. I don't know if I'll ever really love anyone. But I was honest with him, I told him everything. And in the end he always said when you believe I love you for you and not try to hurt you. Then you'll have a ring. That was always his thing. The ring. And always wanting to make sure I won't hurt him. He always wanted to hear I loved him, and wont hurt him. Maybe saying I had feelings for someone hurt him. But I don't know if I love that person not like I thought might of loved him. I can never say I totally know with all my heart I love anyone. But he knew this he knew all of this he read his page and I told him everything when we started talking. Hell, I let him read my written journal. He knew how I was, and what I felt every step of the way. And still he said I love you with all my heart. And I think you're the one. God, he made me even believe it. I thought hell I could marry him, and have kids. And then maybe I'll be happy. To give myself over to someone so welling. How stupid could I of been?The more I think the more I think it was my fault that I did this to myself. But at the same time he was dating Bethany for 4 years when he met me he was dating her. when he left me it was to be dating her. And the only reason he won't come back to me is because he knows I'll hurt him if I die trying. And his afraid I think.
I just feel like a big let down. Like I should be something or have the answer to it all. But I can't I try so hard I try to find them I really do. I look into myself and all I see are lies. I want the masks to go away. I want to me for good or bad at least then I'll be someone. I want to know someone is proud of me that I made it this far. God, why cant you help me. Just show me something a sign for some happiness in life. And I really do believe that when we go to war. It well be the war to end them all And damnit I dont want to die like this. I dont fear the act of dieing I could kill myself in a heart beat. I fear what comes next. I dont really care about what ppl think if I killed myself and I can hear Christina in my head going "you know how selfish that is" but its not selfish. what am I taking away? Nothing. I dont do anything I am nothing. When I go to Yuma I know she wont have time for me...no more an hr if that. She wants me back so bad but unwilling to set side her shit to help me someone she says she cares for. I just wonder who really cares? People well grieve and deal and move on. they already have its like I'm die already. Im gonna go Im making myself cry.

 

[jellybean]

jan 12, 2003
its all lies and death
the only way to fuck life is to take it into your life into your own hands and take it away from yourself before it takes it away

 

[jellybean]

Jan 13,2003
Well lets just hope when I make it to Yuma everything goes good I dont know what the hell can happen I really dont. I hope its good or at least okay I dont think I can handle much more right now. Kinda had my monthly total of fucked up situations.

Ryan and Paul try to help I know they do. and I can never thank them enough for what they do for me. But right now, I think I'm just a bit of a lost cause. It runs deeper than Brian. So much deeper his just the surface. The only thing I know I can find to face. and I know I dont make it easy for them. Maybe I want to push them away. Go from one extreme to the other. till no one can take it anymore. Maybe then I can be like Bry(brother). His wall is so strong, so high even I can't get in. Nothing hurts him he is strong and I know that's way I failed him. I'm not strong Im still weak. and I am I need someone there to say its okay even when I know its so far from okay. If I just know how to build that wall. How to disconnect from everything. All I really have to do is turn off my computer and phone. And the whole world goes away. Its just me and my thoughts If I just know how to make all this emotional bullshit go away. If I didnt need peoples touch so much. then nothing could ever hurt me again. I could win. I would kill all the pain.

Ryan made me cry so bad I was shaking I hope it was for the best. its 800am I've been up for a lil too long. Just me and my thoughts. this game the way of mind over heart. If there is such a thing. God I hope so beacuse my heart is turning cld. It was the minute I was in New Mexico all Brain did was delay then push it over that line. I was so unwilling to crosee. I guess I should thank him for that huh? Making the choice for me

so much to live for yet all hope or faith is lost in it all. I got hope tatted near my heart because its something I need to hold on too. I cant let go. When I let go of that hope I have left I wont be coming back. I know I'm on the boarder line. All it well take is a soft breeze and Ill fall one way or another. I wish I knew which.

Ryan talked so much of this life as a second compaired to whats to come. But I dont really belive in that after life. But then again I dont really believe in we just no long exsist when we die. I dont really believe anything belief and faith are words I cant find the meaning too. Just like enternity. What will happen if all the choices I make now all the wrong ones and I take my life in my hands is what I want. An enternity of punishment what kind of punishment this whole Life Death. God Hell shit gives me a headache.

Life I never asked to be here. and I long to remember a memory from my childhood I can smile apon and say I was happy. I really dont remember emotions. Is that the way it should be? Its just for that moment or what? I dont want this life all I do is fuck things up horribly. and I'm sick of it. I dont know how to make it all better. I forefit. Give this life to someone who will do some good who wakes up and is happy to be alive. Some who needs it more than I.

I know I talk a lot of death now adays. Im not going to kill myself at least not anytime soon. I just want to know that I have the right and choice to end anything when I say I want too. that is the power I need.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 14, 2003
I just thought of this and I totally forgot its what I wanted to do this past wkend. Go to the in-door shooting range! What better way to take out my stress then with a gun. *evil laugh*. God I miss shooting. *sigh* just me and a target. One thing I am glad my dad taught me out to do is shoot. I was 8 or 7 when I shot my first shot gun, I didnt understand why my dad was standing like 2 ft behind me...till I flew back thats why I dont like shot guns and rifles now...too much kick for me. Yuppers going shooting then go to Yuma and party and raise hell go to Phx have RyRy take me out to the desert and just scream! *nods head* good plans.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 14, 2003
Ohh sleep how I miss you. I'm so about ready to scream. I want something to do anything! I really don't care. I just got mom and dad off to work. It's 9am and well it's one late night for me. *sigh* maybe in another couple of hours I'll be able to pass out till they call to have me go get my ID card. My brother emailed me...said I lot of shit. I could email him back and tell him what I think of him or what I see his problems are but I'm suppose to be not that insane. Damn there goes all my fun. And for some odd reason whenever me and Trisha have a deep conversation it all ends up sounding like we're in a relationship not a friendship. Oh my fucking god! pain pain pain ok cant lean to the left now. too much hurt on my hip dont know why...ouch ouch ouch. anyways, Trisha and I haven't ever even kissed which in our group is a lil odd. But yeah I think she's got the hottest for me...poor Andy but hey then I'll get to keep Emmers. Jk. *big wheel keep on turn proud mary keep on burnin* ohh the 60's gotta love that woodstock vibe. Well, it's time for me to stare at the ceiling...
I haven't been outside the appt for hmm I think 2 or 3 days now...and I mean not a foot out the door. I wanna go for the the whole wk but I have that doc appt tomorrow. Damn that dream is gone. But I still have the cat lady with the over grown yard, I will be her. *nods head with pride* everyone dreams big I say go for the same goals then you'll always be surprised.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 15,2003
Well so much for that whole sleeping thing. I was up in bed at 10am and up at 10pm. and been up since lets just hope I can make it to my doc appt at 1. *crosses fingers* I do look forward to me and Trisha talking I know she'll have a lot of things to help me with. And Ryan oh my sweet little Ryan, I wonder sometimes if things were different if maybe I should of been with him. God, knows his better than well all the people I've ever dated. But he says things I need to hear. Not so much of all I want to hear, just like "well maybe he did love you" because a part of me needs to believe he did love me. I just can't stand feeling so used. I was reading some of the other journal and this sweet little girl...ok she's my age but I just say that sweet and little girl/boy, don't ask me why. She's talking to this guy all the time and they live in different states and though they aren't togther and can sleep with other people, she's starting to get attached. And doesn't or won't believe that he would spend 5 hrs talking to her. I just want to scream yes he will! He'll spend all the time he wants as long as you let him! Sex is just sex to some people, they'll take it where they can get it and keep it around if its a sure thing. I know I shouldn't be so anti-guys. Girls will burn you just as bad, but fuck I've been burnt and it's my damn journal and I hate guys! Well, except my boys.

I wanna go back to jr high or high school. I want to relive those careless years. Yeah I had to deal with that whole Christina/Meredith thing but I can do that in my sleep now. When the weekend was going to a movie or block party with Trish and Mary then at night going to a LAN party with my brothers friends. God, those guys are so funny when they play games. Poor Nick had to be put in a different room because of his yelling and screaming at the screen. Though I never played games I did have a LAN once not to bad if I do say so myself. I did want to get into games for a while but all I really likes was oh fuck what is the name of that game...its on the tip of my tongue oh yes Half Life. But then again I just liked killing the chicken in one of the lay-outs. I was always the one to go with whoever was on food or caffiene runs. Oh god and Ryan and Mikes grad night! We were all driving around looking for a place to eat or hang or something to do. Besides spenting time in parking lots which we did a lot of. And his guy David B (total ass-hole hit me once really hurt, and was gonna do the spit ball thing once in jr high only with a needle only he inhaled with the straw in his mouth and inhaled the needle total dumb ass) he was begging everyone wanting to be one of the guys and trying way to hard. Anyways we were at Penny's Diner. And David was standing on the steps going on about some shit, and Ryan went away I didn't really realize Ryan is kinda quiet and blends in well with the darkness when he wants. Anyways I see Ryan coming up behind David look at my brother and Ryan does the motion of cutting David's thoart too bad Ry didn't have his kinfe anyways, David never knew! How totally awesome is that! I still give Ry his dues about how awesome that was.
But those were the days, my brother says I blame him for moving, I don't. I blame him for being to busy. He says if I leave a message or call he'll get back to me. And his doesn't not till Mom calls him and is like here talk to your sister. And even then it's what new coding thing his doing and then his gonna go. Try not to be to insane, well thats what I am insane I guess. But at least I know when I push people away and when to ask for help it's still hard sometimes, but I'm getting better. He doesn't have to work all the time he wants to work all the time. Because his afraid of whats really out there. Yeah I sleep all the damn time and live with my parents. But when I get back from Yuma I am going to change that. I am going to be better and stronger and okay. Because well I'm not going to give myself the choice. Paul says I always look on the bad side of things, and I do. But only because things always get fucked up and I get fucked over. But I need to not give everything I am to everything I do. Keep most people and things at arms length. Close then to care and feel, but not so close to get this hurt. Yeah some people are already that close and they'll stay that close I trust them. Always have always well.
Trina and I didn't know eachother she was the shy girl in my drama class. And as with me always I pick out that one person whos shy and I make them talk to me (or sit and eat lunch with me Trisha it took me a couple of wks for Trisha to eat lunch with me) anyways, but I started writting Trina notes and she wrote back. And before we ever really talked to eachother we knew everything about one another. It was trust then friendship which is kinda odd. And it's taken 2 years for us to be as close as we are.
With Trish and I is was different all I can really remember is we had like 4 classes together. And she was a cheerleader which I was like hmm huh? But we got to talking. And I think jr yr. We had different lunches and my good friend at the time Mandy dated a guy in our bio class and we all talked a lot. More than did work. and he had the same lunch as Trisha and I made him get her at lunch so she wont sit by herself. Needless to say I dated him Andy then she dated him. And now their married and have the bestester kid ever. We were the orgy group now that I think about it. We all kinda dated eachother or at least had crushes or kissed or something along those lines. all but me and Trisha. I still wonder what means some people so straight and other so gay and then theres me on the line...wondering which way to go. Guys are cool, and sweet (most) and I can get along with them almost to the point of a friend more than a gf. But chicks I dont know their just so soft and sweet and know just what to say and do. I guess its that only a girl knows what a girl wants. But I still think that gay couples are the cutest ever!
That always bugged me when Brian saw two guys kissing and got so eww by it. when it turns out the boy had sex with his best guy friend for like 2 yrs. Anyways at the end of our relationship he always jumped when he saw a gay guy like oh oh he has new shoes (something Trina told me) it was almost like he had to pick them out before me. Which yeah sometimes when I go into a place some ppl stand out and I'll say something. But it was like he wanted to get everyone before me. It was kinda odd.
Well, I'm just bored and running out of things to say. Not like any of that made much sense but anyways, yeah I'm gonna go dry my hair and bug dad for breakfast.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 15, 2003
Ok got all dressed and everything to go put gas in my car and get some breakfast though not in the mood to eat now. And my dad says to me "now I dont want you to be offend or anything but me and your mom were talking and with all of brian's extra actives we think you should get a blood test." now i played it cool, and said that i was going to anyways. which i was, i figured when i got my iron and happy chems in my head checked id just add an std aids test in there with it. but damn my parents know i have sex, that is just one of the werids feelings in the world! i dont wanna know how they know but they do...i kinda feel all icky because they must know that we did it in the house. ok not gonna talk about this feeling too damn weird. but wow! i cant believe my dad would ask that ok i can believe it more than mom. shes been wondering for a while now i think if i was a virgin or not. *shuddlers* if i didnt already take a shower i could. i feel dirty

ok maybe its just because i havent driven my car in the morning or because i havent been out of the house for a while. but damn i should always keep a jacket with me! i still cant feel my hands and i hate it when i cant feel my nose.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 16, 2003
Ok well the doc appt yesterday went really well...a little to well if you ask me. But yeah the lady was nice, best I ever had do that to me anyways, and no cancer or problems of any kind and she liked my hope tat. Oh yes and my wonderful little Trina, she decided to call right when it was Hmm okay and here is your left ovra. She was like did you need to get that? talk about blushing. But yeah she did the whole std testing I should hear back in a wk. And I just got my HIV test done. My right arm feels all funny, stupid blood test though my blood does like to rush out of my body. Dropped off mom's and mine pill thingy for refills I asked for name brand because I guess the ones she wants me to take are better than the non-name brand. But yeah...Hmm gave Trina her wake-up call. Though Trina and Trisha really need to get ahold of eachother...and hmm oh yes called and left Bethany a message no baby in the tummy. nope nope nope. she didnt call back or email me...so hmm little red flag there but then again maybe im just jumping ahead of myself. but anyways. yeah listening to eddie izzard, dad wants me to go job hunting thank god for hot jobs. com and apps on line all i gotta do is print and write and then wait till i get back to turn them in ok im gonna go draw a bath.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 16, 2003
Dude! Head up 7 up! I was watching comdemy central and some chick said that and it took me like 10 mins to remember how to play it! I kinda felt sad it took that long. In Mr. Jones art class we always played it. Ohh the good old days when boys used to play on the other side of the play ground. I'm not totally sure how much I like this whole so many people I know reading this...they get in my head and then use the things I say against me. And I'm like wait how'd you know that? But its my stupid fault for giving them the address I suppose. But yeah anyways,
I just got off the phone with Frank, his a cool guy. I miss hanging out with him. And talking to him reminds me of the old RAT pack. *sigh* And I just found out he was afraid of me in high school because I never said more than two words to him in a sentence which I don't really remember but. I blocked a lot of what I didn't like out, and I think that was the year I didn't like.
I guess Hans left for over-seas today or yesterday. I'm just proud of him because he wanted to go and get it done with. Frank says they should be shipping out in about 10 days or so. But the advaned party didn't leave as early as I thought they would. But little chicken shit Brian got his way out of leaving already because *baby voice* his afraid. Hmm yes...
Ok so, more pointless crap that have to say.
so hmm yeah
Frank woke me up I probably would of slept all night if dad didnt give me the phone. I don't even think I heard it ring. Dad made me eat a stupid sandwhich but it was that or an egg...ick no more eggs. I almost made myself sick eating the whole thing, only I didnt eat it all.
Frank and I talked about Christina, I wanna sit down and talk to her but I doubt that I'll get a chance. I know that she works a lot and that she needs to. But I just think that if she wants me here as much as she says then she should be able to find some kinda time for me. But we'll see about that. It just upsets me, I know she's got her own shit going on. We all do, but I still wish that we all could get together and talk. Just a bitching group with ben and jerrys and old movies. It just makes me sad that it only seem she wants me around when she needs me. And when I need someone she's no where to be found. I know she tries or at least I hope she tries. I dont know I just dont wanna give up. I never wanna give up not on her or Trisha and Andy. I know Andy and I dont really talk a lot or hang out. Im not sure why. Trisha mom said it was because of the whole Trisha thing but that cant be farther from the truth. I'm glad that their together they kinda work for eachother all but the pushing eachothers buttons so much. But I dont think of Andy like that, I havent for years and years. Its just when we're together all he wants to talk about is Trisha. And I wanna know how he is and what his feeling. Its been that way since high school I can read this notes and its all trish trish trish. i dont know i just want us to be the way we were. Happy and together the RAT pack back to make trouble.
But we've grown up or lack there of for some of us. And just dont see the point or have the time for the friendships. I try god I try but sometimes it's hard to find something to talk about. Being in a different state and they all have families or girlfriends or boyfriends and jobs or responialites. And here I am sleeping all day and doing some shit here and there. I just feel so disconnected.
So lost and I cant find my way home again. *looks down sadly* Pete Yorn good cd for a the mellow sad moments in life.
Same with my brothers friend which I'm like the little sister. Probably always be but to a few. The ones who dont call me Bryan's lil sis are the ones I like the most. But Ryan and Mike Kris Monkey and I thought Dylan for awhile. Ryan and I are the closest out of all of them. His the one I can talk to about anything and know its ok. Maybe I should throw a LAN party while I'm down there...but then I won't have my computer or really a place. I want my house back god I want my house! Its my house with my memories and someone else is living in it and its not right. They dont know about the fights in the halway or the water fights in the living room and kitchen or the grease fire I started or the dog toy in the tree in the back yard. Those are mine, and I hate my parents for saleing them I know dad had to get out of the Sheriff's department, but did he have to move to New Mexico we could of done Phx he could of had an appt there and mom and I the house in Yuma.
Maybe I worry to much able life and all its problems. Maybe I should just relax and let shit happen, and not worry about how it will affect me. But I'm so afraid that if I wear my heart on my sleeve someones gonna steal my shirt. And its either all heart or none I dont really have the middle ground. I just give everything and its unhealth but at the moment it just feels so right. I guess thats part of the problem. Lust and Love.
"A place where false impressions have all the hallmarks of reality"-susanna kaysen

 

[jellybean]

Jan 18,2003
Ok I go to bed I wake up around well 230ish decide to check my mail. And I an email from Bethany saying shes in 2 9 (sniffle sniffle) One: the girl wants to be there or she wont of gotten her ass on the plane. And two: she wants me to feel sorry for her why? She wants to be with him she can be with him, but the only thing that well come out of it is pain and hurt. And three: this one is my fav. I'm suppose to take my ass to Cali while I'm in Yuma. Fuck that shit! She wants to met me I know people leaving 2 9 all the time to go to Yuma she can get with one of them. My ass is staying in Az! Thats were I belong and thats where I wanna be. How stupid can you be? She complainted about being stuck in Florida with him and with no one she knew and now shes just on a military base with no one she knows. I have no sympathy none at all. I tried to be nice and I tried to be helpful but theres a point even for me, where I just go hopeless just go fuck your life away. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice I'll fuck with your head so bad you wont know which end is up anymore...ok thats not the way it goes but its the Stacy way. He is shit, and she choice him. She could of stayed at home with her friends and gone back to school. But she flew to 2 9 what on earth could make someone rashalize that?!? I really wanna know. Thats the only reason I wanna hear from her is her reasoning behind it because its gotta be a good one...and by good I mean stupid and funny. *shakes head and rolls eyes* stupid stupid girl. But thats one less person I have to worry about in my life. So happy trails and good luck to ya. Your gonna need it with all you got ahead of you. Ok I'm gonna go dry my hair that lay back down. I get to go shooting in the morning! *does happy dance* I get to kill a target I get to kill a target, and because I'm so creative I'm gonna bring a red marker and give lil target a lil top gun hair do. And then blow the fuck out of his dick! hehe yay! Ok so I'm a lil crazy but hey its a good way to get rid of stress without hurt anyone I can go to jail for right? *nods head* off to bed with me muhahahha

 

[jellybean]

Jen 18,2003
And god just went I thought my day couldnt get any fuckin better! To start off with I had to go with mom to the doc but they only do the test she needs on wed's so she had to make another appt. Then went shooting with dad and I have the lil target robber man hanging on the bathroom/bedroom door I did so good for not having shot a gun in about 3 years! I took me a couple of rounds to get back into it but I was hot! On my dad's target I got the guy in the eyes! And on mine dad had me shoot more for the neck and chest (not as much fun if you ask me but I still got a couple of head shots) And I come home after running around with mom a little bit. Got Ronin good movie, and I see Bethany online so why not say hey right? And I get "how u get into this" then l8ters I think it was I dont know aol chat I hate that sorry shit. But I was like hmm and whos this oh this must be Brian hi! Say hi to your girlfriend for me. And oh yeah your mom likes to send you a lot of spam. hehe sometimes I really do just love my life! And I just got done packing I got a pillow and 4 pair of pants 1 pair of shoes a lunch box and about 7 shirts or so and and my other shit to fit into a lil carry on bag! Dude I so rock! I'm still gonna check it I hate having to put things in the over head. So I have another lil bag with my pj's and cd and movies and shit to do. I am gonna be there for what 7 days and I got everything to fit in lil bags. I know its nothing to be totally proud of but come on...dont rain on my overwhelming happiness I get to go HOME! *yells* YUMA WATCH OUT STACYS BACK AND WANTS TO RAISE HELL! I dont know if I'm gonna try to see Wes yet...if I take the rigns then I will if I dont then I wont I doubt he'll take them back but there just sitting in my closet and well they are his...Im always that way when I break up with someone...well they bought it it belongs to them...well most breakup. Brian doesnt deserve his shit back I'm sure the Salvation Army could love a nice big teddy bear and care bear and some guys clothes hehe. Id pawn the ring but its a piece of cheap shit...god I always hated that thing. he always asked why arent you wearing it BECAUSE ITS UGLY is what I wanted to yell. But nooo I have to be nice. LOL me nice I wonder when that came about. Okay well I shower and then watch Ronin and do all the 200 pic dad looked at. YAY I rule *throws left arm up in the air*

 

[jellybean]

Jan 18, 2003
You well never in your life guess who I got a call from...Bethanys mother. She wanted to know who I was...I was like who do you think I am? Get this the girl *shakes head* let for I'm getting 3 or 4 days and didnt care to tell her parents where she was going at all. Not I'm going out to the nearest big city with my gf's for a lil wk fun before college I'll call and check in. Oh thats right youd have to take your phone charge with you in order to call. I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just really really good at covering my tracks, but damn. Thats just plain stupid. Her mom thinks that shes going there to tell Brian off. But why do that and then put yourself in his misery she has to stay with his friends and he has to pay for her way back and food and whatever else there doing. And his staying with her which means their stayin in the same bed. It just doesnt add up to me. But god damn for once everyone else is getting in trouble but me! Thats a first and can this day get any better? Bethanys pissed at me even though I've covered her ass as best I could. Her mom said she knew she was in cali and why wondering if she was staying with me or with other friends...hello I'm in new mexico! And if I'm gonna have to cover for you, let me know! But yeah her mom seems really nice told Brian off I wish she would of told me about Brian. But hey you gotta learn some time right? And Bethany can be pissed at me I did nothing wrong. She made her bed and now shes gotta lay in it. She can yell and curse at me all she wants she needs someone to blame and hey I'm always the one to blame but not this time. She fucked up and now shes gotta deal. And going to cali thats just plain stupid. I'm only gonna be 3 hrs away and even I dont wanna go to cali and tell him off he doesnt deserve that. Plus just heard from Frank their out of there on Tues Wed! So see ya...dont get your ass blowin off. And Bethany good luck girl, I hope you get it before its too late. As for me I'm packed showered got my work done. Watched my movie, made my bed and now I'm ready to lay in it I wont be posting for a while and I dont plan on checking my mail or getting online while I'm away. Thats my free time to spend with people...friends not this stupid computer. So wish me luck on my plane ride (flying south west which is soo much better than america-west but hey cant have enough luck right?) God yes, I'm going home I have my babies and well Brian is going over seas so I dont have to hear about him anymore (down side no frank) and well Bethany she needs to get her act together and decide what shes gonna do with her life. I'm free! And god it feels to good to spread my wings.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 21, 2003

Well, last night was one of the shittys nights I’ve had in well not too long. I don’t know if I can be here. It’s so hard they say you can never come home again and I think I’m realizing that. I want to be here and feel safe, but all I feel is alone. Trina works and I don’t really talk to her about my problems. Trisha got the kids and everything. And Christina well last night was so bad because I just don’t know who she is anymore. Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen her with someone else, but I went to Coffee Bean to see her and her new gf. And on the phone I got a list of rules (which is just fucked up to start with ) and then she says well I don’t want to have to say I told you so…but. Which she says she didn’t mean to say but the fact of the matter she did and it’s in my head now. She just doesn’t get it. When I started to get defensive and well mean she turned to her gf for her hand. Which you know makes me feel so comfortable…because I’m sitting there and she wants to talk about my problem while holding her gf’s hand and someone I don’t know and to be honest someone I don’t know if I want to know. So I left I just couldn’t take it. And I called her back told her I had 1 ½ till I had to pick Trina up from work and if she really wanted to talk then we could without her gf. And so I met her back at Coffee Bean and then we drove around and we saw her gf I guess she was pissed about something and so Christina made her pull over and then I got to sit in the truck and watch them make out. What I great way to make all my troubles go away. She just doesn’t realize what I’m going through. There is so much shit inside my head. And she just doesn’t want to hear it, she says you say you know me and so you should know I’ll always be where for you. Where was she went I was cutting myself I tried to talk her but it was always oh Stacy’s in one of her moods again I’m going to bed.
I’m sorry I have shit wrong with me, and yeah I needed someone then and I need someone now. But I can’t have anyone, I’m too needy for them or something. I don’t know all I know is I want to go home. I can’t be here much longer I’m going to go insane. Christina’s gf made her go back to met me and talk with me. And yet she’ll always be there for me. I want to cry god I want to feel something anything but this loneness. I wish someone could understand. Everyone seems to know what’s best for me, but not spend time with me. No promises I’m so sick and tired of promises all they mean is heart break. That’s all that anything means to me anymore. I think I’ve lost my faith or hope or whatever little piece of myself I was holding on to. Everyone wants me to get with Trina hell I’d like to, but I don’t know if I can everything I love turns to shit, lovers and friends.
I just want to make the world go away, I really think that once I get home I’m not going to turn on my computer and turn off my phone. I just don’t want to deal with these shit. I can’t I’m on the edge of what I don’t know but I know this is a turning point in my life. And I can either come out strong or just making it by. I can go through half heartedly.
I don't belong anywhere, and no one understands how much my heart is breaking because of it.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 22, 2003
I feel like I've already had some drinking my head is all hot like. Anyways, I hung out with Mary today...she asked a really good question. Why weren't we that close. And we weren't and why would I want to see her when I came home. I don't really know, all I know is she's an awesome person and a really good friend though we never really talked too much and that I love her. But yeah we had a good day today. Christina called...she was like wanna go to IHOP I was like why? She said to talk but because I didn't have a car I guess and she needs to be home early tonight we'll do that tomorrow night. And Ryan is in town and I promised him I'd see him. And damnit I said I'd never make promises, but yeah. And then I have Mary wanting to have some drinks and I was like hey sure why not. Then Trish and Andy and then Trina just wants to come home and have a drink and go to bed...so I was wondering how I'm going to fit 6 people all into one night by 930 because I really don't wanna go ANYWHERE! Just to bed. But Mary went home to dinner and she does live far out so I was like its cool if you don't wanna come back into town have a good dinner with you boy. And Chrisitna changed her date and Trina was like you have to be home by 930 so now I'm done to 3 people yay. And Trisha and Andy should be over here in a little bit. And Ryan is going to met us over at their place. But yeah, I don't know I kinda feel like Christina is gonna break up with me or something. She says she's always going to be there for me, but it's always...stacy's in a mood again. And when I called her back it was her gf made her come see me. So I guess that means she doesn't always wanna be there for me. It's just she can't help me. No one really can I understand that I have to work this out all on my own. But it's like she just doesn't get out hurt I am by all of what's going on in my life. Brian and I never fought not once. I got mad but we didn't fight. And like Mary said we didn't fight because he didn't care. And its so hard to get into my head he didn't care he didn't love me. And just makes me feel so horrible to realize that I was just used no if's and's or but's about it. I was just a wkend fuck because he couldn't go home when he wanted too.
I just don't know how to deal, I wanted to come home and have everything be okay. And it can't be, it just can't. We can't be what we were, they don't want to be. Their so happy in their own little worlds and so unwilling to open back up to us all.
Christina called Wes and asked if he'd want to see me if I was in town or talk to me. And he said yes, but when asked for his number so I could call him. He said his not ready. So I'm not going to bother that is died and burned and something I shouldn't look back upon like I do my other relationships or friendships. He has his gf who has a little boy and his happy and I don't want to fuck that up I don't. I want him to be happy, but I do wish that I could be apart of his happiness. But like I said it's something thats not going to happen so just move on. Right
I ask the gypsy lady today and got my card's read I wanna do my palm...but thats 20 bucks and I don't have that right now. But she said that I would find happiness, and that I'm emotional worn out, and that I'm taking a rest and that I deserve it *me being here* help but I'm doing it on my own *meaning the Brian thing*. And that I got rid for a problem in the past year. And that's the only thing that I can't think of what it was. But she's good that's all I know. And she fixed my Irish wedding ring I guess it was facing that wrong way. But hmm yeah. God am I fucking tired as hell!
We fell asleep around 5ish...just kept on talking. And woke up at 10 then had to get out of bed and start Trina's shower for her so she'd get her ass out of bed and go to work. I don't blame her about not wanting to go to work. I told her she didn't have to but she wants to call in on Friday so it was today or Friday she can't have both. She came home for dinner I heated up left over Chili Pepper. Oh yeah that reminds me
Mary's boyfriends brother Mitchell as Mary says is really nice guy and she's not sure if we'd match but it won't hurt to met right? She thinks that I'm not gay but damnit how it is other people know if I am or not. And I don't? I just don't get that maybe that's what I'll ask the gypsy lady next time. I don't know when I'm with a guy I think I should be with a girl when I'm with a girl I think I should be with a guy. And I always want what I can't have and once I have it I don't want it anymore. That's just the way its always been. I wish I could say different. Blah....SOMEONE HELP ME IM GOING INSANE! Damnit where are Trisha and Andy it's been a half hour and I do have to be back in an hour and half now and Ryans going to upset...grr god damnit. Why can't things just work out for a little bit thats all I ask.
I'm gonna go call them.