confused

[jellybean]

dec 11, 2002
I finally sat down and wrote last night, err more early this morning. I got up at 530ish and went in search of foods, took mom's car to warm it up for her and got her breakfast too. Though I don't like BK they are the only place open at 6ish. And it's the lil things in life that make you go "ooo neat!" like the new orange juice cartons have lil holes on the side for straws I thought that was neat. Ok I do realize how sad and slow my life is that that would make me go ohh neat, but hey I'll take what I can get.
I take back that I hate x-mas totally. I like wrapping presents! I love tape.
I don't know maybe I should try getting out of the house more. But where to go and who to try to be friends with? I would be a towny but well this isnt my home town...i think that's the way it works. So High School students are out...because I'm just sick and tired of all the freakin drama they love to have rule their lives (yes I was kinda one of those though I wasnt as bad as most...its wasnt i hate you one period then making out the next i was more every other month breakups) off the topic. and im not in college so that scene is out. though everyone wants me to go to school, im sure i could do it if i got my ass out of bed (night class if i could) but its like they all want to live through me. because they cant or dont go to school i have too you know? *sigh*
i got everyone's present wrapped in a box ready to go. well all but the huge bear for brian i dont know what we're going to do with that thing. So I got everything out of the way but mom and dad. I know what to get mom, they have the total works of enya at hastings, plus a gold braclet she wants. But dad well he always get about 1 present from everything though they are the pricest of all. He always seems to break or lose them....fun!
I noticed that most of the teenagers around here are totally 100 % into hot topic...yeah its an awesome store with cool shit. But from head to toe they all alike. I dont know maybe it's because theres 2 stores here and they want to rebel against mom and dad and use their money to piss them off. I mean yeah I like the Arivl tie arm warmers (bad joke about leg wamers I know I know) but damn....everyone here is like that. Plus I think I'm getting to old to go back there my angry gothic style. *sigh* Its not easy to pull of that much black when you glow in the dark you know. That and the shoes were killers. I'm only 19 but I feel like I should be 30, though I have no direction. It's kinda sad when you think about it. I have no friends (here anyways) no life outside of my parents, no college backround (no classes that really matter anyway), no job, no talents because being dramatic.
I wish I could go driving right now. That was one of the cool things about living with Trisha and Andy or Wes, I could just put on shoes and go (most of the time I left a note just in case they wokeup so they wont freak) but I could just go to the park and sit there on the swings and think and look up at the stars. I miss that there arent a lot of stars around here I dont know if its just overcasted all the time or what. Though coming down the hill in the morning with the purple pink sun raise around the mountains its really breath taking. I dont have a lot of freedom. Mom doesnt like me going go at night to get fast food Im 19 I used to take Wes home at 2 in the morning which was 30 mins away eachother plus the lil night trips at T & A....lol I wonder if they get that one...because andy has the ass and trish does have the tits. anyways off the topic her (moms) lil boy leave home and moved across the country so I have to stay close to home...where they make home to be. Im not sure about the Yuma thing but then Im not sure about the cali thing. so right now im kinda homeless. I dont know where i belong. no matter how you look at it ill be last, out of the circle. in cali ill be around a marine base (lots of fun without the fun) and in yuma ill have trina but i dont know how well id take it hanging out with christina (and her woman not like thats happen) and then trisha and andy....neither one of them would want me hanging out with the other...its like all 3 of them are my parents that got a divorce and well use me to get back at one another. *sigh*
i guess i just have to find myself...i thought i already did but something always have to hit me upside the head and throw something at me going deal with this now.

 

[jellybean]

dec 11, 2002
theres nothing like a phone to make you realize how disconnected you are from the world that you left. i guess its mine fault for not going back as much as i'd like (thought its a pretty penny for air plane tickets now a days) and for leaving. i guess im just kinda sad, makes me wonderful if i did go back what would happen. new friends and old ones are gone now and so many inside jokes. you know that feelin when someone tells in inside joke and everyone else at the table gets it and you dont. how stupid and out of place you feel. like you just want to melt into the chair.
and brian isnt back from the field or he is and just not callin me, i dont know...i never know. for once i wish i knew something anything!
brians on the phone. i guess thats a good thing that i should jump for joy.

 

[jellybean]

dec 12, 2002
i just woke up....not of my well. trina called me (she does that on her lunch breaks though she normally doesnt really talk to me...waist of minutes her phone normally goes dead on me) anyways back to the point. my dream
i had a dream that christina moved out of her house and lauriann moved in we were all hanging out together partying and then 2 guys came into the pictures one named hank i can remember that though not what they look like. anyways, we were going to kill them before they killed us (does ask where this too a turn i havent got a clue) anyways we were hiding in a truck of the car and when the car stopped we got out only it was too soon. and we had to take cover (which meant us splitting up) christina went for the backseat i the neighbors car i dont believe lauriann came with us. anywho, christina ended up dieing and me driving away for the crime scene on a motorcyle only it was my old neighborhood in yuma...i took a left of ave b and then when to lauriann who didnt seem every caring about christina just about how sad i was. i tried calling her mom before the police got there i called trisha but she already knew but didnt again seemed to care more about how i was doing then christina...then i hear my phone ring so i woke up. but all and all i think i kinda get the meaning...
christina did move out of her house into another one, lauriann is moving back to yuma (theres the house business). us hanging out would probably be a sign of enemy closer than friends. hank and the killing how me the new friendships and gf/bf's we're all gotten and the fact that its killed our friendship. trunk of the car would be the fact that its a cold dark scary feeling being alone and knowing your friends have moved on. the backseat im not really sure why she went there...the neighborhood was probably because i felt safe at my neighbors house. the fact that its my nrighborhood is probably some spin on that fact that its a crime scene to me (emotionally) that i wont want to go back there just like i didnt go back to see christina. why it was her and not me im not sure. not getting ahold of her mom was probably when i need someone no one ever talks to me. trisha and lauriann caring more about me then her death. is probably them wanting to look out for me and willing to help but still be disconnected.
now if any of these is right i dont know, i always trying using those lil dream books but that shit never made since i can just pick about a dream myself.
ok today!
this morning mom woke me up at 630, when i asked for the time she said it was 730 grr. i took a bath got a blanky and sat in the living room reading all of girl interupted (good book by the way i have some quotes for later) then i climbed into bed and trying to make myself fall asleep i ended up loving and playing with my cat more. and when i finally started to fall asleep ring ring...i think ppl just know when im about to close my eyes. anyhow dads on his way home moms waiting for me like always. and im well i wanna go back to bed but i cant and now im getting hungry...their going to dinner but i just dont feel like getting dressed doing my hair and makeup (mom doesnt let me out of the house without which is either jus the way she is and she pushing it on me or im really ugly to her either way i never wear enough to make her happy) so im just stick here waiting to the living room all to myself.

 

[jellybean]

dec 12, 2002
i wonder if my life would be different if i never dated andy. because of him i started going to drama class (though i wasnt enrolled i sat in and got credit) but if i didnt date them then i wont of been known as the suical dyke which isnt as i see it a wonderful thing to be known as. though i how christinas and mine being pushed out of the closet somehow helped the lower classes to not hide who they are. but what if i took meredith over christina? would i be in college right now? living in a dorm room with my gf and being happy? though meredith i guess lost it somewhere along the line i guess she's doing better...if not just faking it (which is what i think) or if i took trina over wes...would i been happier? wes and i well we were ok for most of our relationship i dont think if it was happiness or fear that kept us together. and of course if all this things could of been different then i wont be with brian right now. though in a lot of ways im not with him now. his been pushing me out of his life slowly i dont know why or what i did but what can you do with these things just sit back and wait for the next move.
i know i ask to many what ifs but look at my life i sit in my dark room and read and write watch tv clean make dinner clean up after dinner take a shower/bath talk to trina or brian if i feel up to phone tag(his service sucks on base) but even know all i do is read mom and dad go out to dinner. (when dad's home and not yelling at me) and well i dont know whats happening to trina and mine friendship but it just doesnt seem there. she calls me only to talk to other ppl around her. i feel replaced everyones replaced me the old saying out of sight out of mind. and cant go to yuma anytime soon. so i guess im lost. i should go out and make friends but *sigh* im odd. and not many ppl like me. maybe in another life i was meant to be happy. *crosses fingers* things can only be so depressing for so long right?

 

[jellybean]

dec 13, 2002
wow what a wonderful morning this is...i went to bed at 10ish hoping to make myself sleep all night. i got 3 good hrs and i've been up since *sigh* i wish i could just get one really good night. mom just told me maybe i should start working out...shes been saying this for a while now though im only maybe 130ish tops and about 5'7" so im good for height and weight im being to think she thinks im getting fat. but the wonderful caught 22 on this is...i cant go to the lil gym they have here well at least not past dark and guess what its winter time dark is about 430 5ish. she says it but when i try she says so jumping jacks in your room. i dont know about you but i need that "must work out attemphere" where i look around and i have no choice but just do it and get it done with...and well my room is not that. my room is more come in and relax awhile kinda feel. so i really wish shed just fuckin stop saying it.
dad yelled at me again last night they came home and my dinner was cold i shouldnt of been surprised by this. and then he wanted to listen to his messages only i was watching tv in the other room and though the volume stayed the same from when he walked in the door till when he yelled at me...its still my fault because i didnt know what the fuck he was doing in his room and its fault to know what everything fucking move he makes. so i got yelled at for keeping the tv loud when his trying to work...because its hard to sit there and listen to ppl talk when you can push *repeat* and when i stated my case which i think is a pretty good one...he could of shut his door knowing the tv was loud or just nicely say before he started "stacy please turn that down im going to listen to my message" and i would of no problem....not "turn that fuckin thing down before i break it" and when i tell mom this all i get is "i dont want to hear it stacy" then she leaves the door. though i got the same shit the morning he left i was cleaning with my walkman on...dont to make him mad. heaven help me if i touch on hair on his balding head. and i still get yelled at then though i wait to vaccum till he was half way out the door. im so sick of this shit he just yells because he has a hot temper. and its always at me. i havent seen him yell at mom in like 6 yrs. normally i would get a stuff animal for his "im sorry im a dick" but he just doesnt even care now. its just a fuck you and go to your room. like im still 5 and ill do what he says...hell i bit him once broke the skin he was blocking me in my room and i told him to move out of my way and he wont...so i did what i did he raised his hand to me and i just took off in my car...we never talk about our problems but i think i want to go shrink again. one that well help me not my parents...they always took up half my hr and then the guy would see me for like 10 mins then bring them back in. damnit they can get their own fuckin hr. *sigh* that and the wonderful its find a shirnk who agrees with us...nothing like taking a child who is wants to be gay and hate god to a christain shirnk...i loved it when they would agree with me and tell me well get your parents to help understand you make them write papers on lesbians and go to meeting and then magical they couldnt see me anymore and id be another doc. till they said the same thing. only one guy they liked i didnt. he knew meredith and was defening her to me at one of my hrs...what the fuck it what...your suppose to sit back and just nod your head while doing a word search not making me feel worst than what i am. though he was the only one to give me a depression test. i was boardline bi-polar about 3 yrs ago i doubt ive gonna any better. but he wanted me to do breathing excerises. like the way i was breathing made me feel like less than a person and would help me when i walked down a hallway and all i hear was "dyke". he shortly moved after about a 3 wks of seening him.
maybe i should go back to the doc and say i wanna kill myself and my family and theyll put me back and that shit that made me numb. lol not like im not numb now but whats the point? really what is the point?
wow this is a really long post and i want to keep on ranting it is making me feel a lil better...though i dont it well help when i walk away from my computer. ive turned off my phone and aim. so im sure brian well be mad i didnt tell him was doing that last night and i didnt say g'night before hand. anyways i gotta go packages ready to go out and yay more shopping with dad this afternoon i dont know why he just doesnt give me the fucking credit card and let me do it...not only would i do a better job. i wouldnt have to worry about him getting tired or fussy his like a 5 yr old. he doesnt care if its a pink shirt for his son as long as it gets him out of the store. *sigh*

 

[jellybean]

dec 14, 2002
i'm too freakin restless. i just wish that i could get some sleep for more than 4 hrs! please im not feeling well myself...its more of im looking in on me. and i know that sounds crazy but its like im not doing anything just watching me do it. last night i got one of my wishes...mom and i had another one of our little "fights" after i spent all that time cleaning the kitchen (without a thank you mind you) its a freakin mess again. i mean then they were making dinner and throwing shit away they totally missed the trash can and didnt bother picking it up. mom said ill clean it tomorrow i laughed at her. then i started cleaning she got in the kitchen and started yelling at me...and then throw dirty water on the pots she just washed me clean...i couldnt take it anymore so i got my sandles on and my wallet and keys and just left. i ignored brians phone call, ignored mom opening my door to see if it was locked im sure. but i realized something when i was driving around its bad idea to cry as much as i did (be careful what you ask for) in 30 to 20 degree weather my glasses were so foggy i couldnt see anything but lights. ive been up since 6 and though i want to make pancakes and bacon im not going too. i feel like not eating anything for a couple days maybe that well help whatever is wrong with me...clean out my system just water and air. well i should go dry my hair but i think im going to lay back down again. and not think about the up coming holiday no wonder so many ppl kill themselves around holidays im starting to wish i had the guts to pull the triger 2 yrs ago. try having you grandma who is really starting to lose it and pick at every little thing that you do and goes through everything that you own staying in your room for about 2 wk maybe 1 and half your boyfriend who you grandma likes to bring its good enough...though neither are you. and your brother who is the angel god sent to your family...if only she knew as much as i did about everyone is this family but nooo we have to hide it from the old bitch (you wont think me bad for saying that if you knew her and how she treats her family) me bf and brother all on air beds in the living room...i dont know how this is going to work or if it is at all. back to the old bitch my mom was 1 or 4 the only girl. my mom has taken care of my grandma and helped her in everyway possible...bought her all the things she wanted but could never have (and i know grandmas had a hard life) but she puts her sons over her daughter the only one in the family who isnt just using her for her money. when i took the month to live with her and take care of her not only did she get me in trouble by saying i let her drive while on pain killers...i walked her out to the car she was fine didnt take a damn thing. and that i used all her fucking money. on what you may ask....im not sure mom and dad put about 100 in my account every wk because the woman had to get something new everyother day at the store. so i used my parents money for everything that i bought while at her house. come to find out later...shes been using her money for her youngest son (the second to most fucked up one...the number one fuck up we cant find we think his in texas for trying to rob a circle k) now where not sure whats wrong with number 2...i think jail...or in the hey look at me im fucking nuts wing of the hosiptal...no matter how you look at it. i dont want to be here and though i havent seen my brother in over a yr if it meant not having my grandma here id skip it...oh yeah laying down now i remember what i was gonna do. sorry to rant so much. but it feels good to get it off my chest and in words.

 

[jellybean]

dec 16, 2002

*sigh* i was watching this movie on hbo this morning, "zebrahead" the common "west side story" white guy falls in love with black girls. his friends try to break them up, her cousin is his best friend. blah blah blah cousin gets shot. anyways to the point:
then he died in the movie the school had help, and had a moment of silence. and 2 girls died while i was in high school ray and another girl she went to my church i didnt really talk to her though i had friends who were close to her. well this other girl, she was semi-popular had all the right friends and whatever. and ray well ray was like me...drama "dyke" freak. though she was dating a guy at the time (never met him didnt go to our school) and she had her eye on christina. i read the poems she wrote for her. my point is ray didnt the professional help or the moment of silence didnt the in memory of picture in the back on the yr book didnt get a speech at our graduate. and that is one of the growing regrets i am starting to have. that i didnt say anything that i didnt stand up and go "hey what about ray!". i miss her so much right. its like trisha and andy have a baby she'll never see. christina and her could of work if christina wont of been afriad. she could of been in school, or did something with her horse. she loved her horse, it was her way out of her life. i know her parents (adpoted) loved her but they were hard on her. i remember going over to her house in 6th grade and playing in the back yard on the swings. or air-hockey she got it for x-mas i think the yr before. she was truly beautiful because she was totally herself. and she was straight with you, and if you didnt like what you heard too bad she wont shut up. she was very soft and shy and quite yet had a way of telling you what she felt and thought. i remember the jr high halloween dance she had a break leg (though im not sure way probably something to do with her horse) i remember her leaning on me while we danced...she was so cute. i dont know what happened to her for the first two years of high school. like always i missed on probably some of the best times of my life because i was too busy with drama drama drama...i guess it was a good thing that we were all in the drama group because lord knows that was us. you could of did a jerry springer show on us well minus the white trash i dont think we were we that mad. but we had dating eachothers bf's (mostly after broken up) lesbian love tringles, fallin someone since the 1st grade, cat fights, lovers making out in every concer, laughs and crys like no other, suicide watchs (christina would call trisha at 1030 then me at 11 depend on when we were done with working in the shop) ohh and the shop...climbing painting building breaking drilling hammering costums. and then pain. what are you suppose to do when you lose someone you think you could of been truly happy with. when you blame yourself because you didnt call like you said you would because you had your on personal shit going on. i said id stop by her house to make her she was in bed and safe because i didnt want her going to the "party" and i didnt because i had to deal with meredith because of my personal shit i got myself in. she died. because i couldnt live up to my word, she was put through pain that i could never image. i remember the day i ditched school, i got a call from my counsil (thinking that it was about my abuses and saturday schools) then a call from my dad saying not to answer the phone for anyone! thinking oh shit what did i do now? then trisha calling i didnt know she ditched too. she said that shed be right over not to turn on the tv. i was soo what the hell. she got home and showed me the paper. they found ray after a yr of wondering what happened to her. a yr a month early they found her. after sitting in that church christina trisha and meredith and me holding eachother while crying so hard we could barely see. i remember watching ther back day while for her to come in and say hahah got you all! but she didnt. i remember reading the paper saying that it was hard to tell that it was her from the remeans because she had been burned BURNED! they said we could read her a letter that would be buried BURIED with her so i did i wrote her the letter i didnt have the guts to tell her that day at my locker that day when i wanted to see her. to tell to stop worrying over christina that i was the one for her. she wrote me poems to help me with christina (when we were breaking up) i wish i could written her one in life. what kind of sick bastard would do something like this to her. her angelic face, god i miss that face that smile the way that when she smiled you knew everything was going to back okay because why else would she be smiling. the thing that really gets to me, these this two guys that did this to her they were her friends, she thought that they cared for her she liked them. and one of their gfs knew that they did it, shed always say i wanna go see jackie (they buried her at jack rabbits pass a locate drunking spot for teenagers) i dont think that i ever dreamt of killing someone the way that they did to her. they tried strangling her at least half a dozen ways and then they took her out of there and burned her. i just pray that if there is a god that her left her be past out or high as a fucking kite. i dont know if they raped her but i wont doubt it. its hard for me to go back to yuma because i want to drive through my old neighborhood and drive my her parents house. a couple of times ive stopped and thought about asking if i could sit in her room. i wanted to reread to journals and poems. i want to have a piece of her that makes me smile not cry. i want to hold on to her everyday of my life. i want to remember what happens when you dont watch your step when you dont look out for your friends or your loved ones. what can happen when you break your word. i want to hold on to her like she was life it self. but i know i have to left her go because she needs to be let go...because its killing me from the inside out doing what ive been doing for the past wk. it was two yr her death this past7 of this month. i rips your heart our knowing that i can get married i can have children i can be happy i can do things i never dreamt of. and she shes in a cemetary in cali, to stay under the cold ground for till the end of the world. to stay were one on can reach her.

so this is for you ray...i love you with all my heart and i wish i could of been me and not you. you deserved to live not i.

 

[jellybean]

dec 18,2002
sometimes all it takes is a question one little sentence to throw your whole life into a loop. to make you rethink everything you ever thought. i remember my question i was 15 it was in wilcox, az. i was with christina i just broke up with andy. she wanted to cheer me up...she did that and more. the whole wk was working up to that one moment that one second that yes. "i want to kiss you but im afriad it will mess up our friendship." if only i knew then what i know now. *soft laugh* i wish i know in that one second that i didnt think..that the line would be blurred for the rest of my life. i wish i knew what i big step i was taking when i said yes. takes just say i got more than i excepted with that kiss. not saying that it was bad...shes one of the big kisser to date. just that in ever relationship ive been in since ive thought...should i be with this person. i mostly date guys, though very attracted to girls. both are awesome. brian is great, but i wonder is there something else out there for me? something not of the norm but then again the norm is changing....i used to say i was a lesbian without a doubt in my mind. but then again, why do i date guys? well one it is easier:
1) parents
2) the problem of asking a girl out...you never know what they'll do
i was going to ask trina out my senior yr of high school. i wish i would of now. though shes a tough cookie i thought she was going hit me just for giving her a hug. i missed my chance there. then there was when i was moving to new mexico i was going to classial move im known for i was gonna give her a kiss and then just leave. always leave them breathless and wondering and wanting more but her sister come outside with us...so what was no good. so the timing with us is has just never been right. and i dont know maybe if i moved back to yuma we could try something. but then id have to live with her, and probably share a room with her and well im soo not going to start a new relationship and share a house...thats just a stupid idea. so here i am with brian and wondering. am i straight? am i gay? what the fuck am i ?!? i wish there was a questionaire thingy for this kinda shit. one thing to say yes this is what you are.
ive been thinking about this since i moved here. and 6 months later i still got no fuckin clue!
so make to my point the questions that change our lives
want to move to yuma with me?
want me to go appt lookin in 29 ?
i could move back to here all my history lays. where all my pain blood sweat and tears hvae been borned and died.
or i could try to start fresh and move to 29
or i could stay here, and do what ive been doing for the past 6 months. sleeping like a vampire. ive been here for 6 months 6 freakin months and i dont have a friend or a person ive talked to to show for it...ok well theres nick but we dont talk about him *shuddlers* blah. im 19 and i have nothing to show for my time on this earth. and im faced with 3 questions that could make or break my life. and all im doing is typing on the message borad...not than anyone really reads this...i know im boring...try living in my shoes
*sigh* "would it change our friendship?"

 

[jellybean]

dec 19, 2002
blah! one wk till christmas and i still dont have anything for bryan mom or dad or grandma. well mom buys grandmas presents and we just sign the card i really dont have a lot to say. im just really bored. got all the house work done...well all but the dishes and dinner but its only 2. grr ive been up since 5 am. i should be asleep or doing something! anything, i called to trina this morning, brian called then i was on the phone with her. i told him id call him back then i called christina about a computer (she loves those so i thought id brightin her day) it was so cute. she thought i was in town and wanted her to fix it for her. aww. she said a good christmas present would be me visiting. it makes me feel good that im missed. though she was no help with my lil problem...
its like this
(and i know im going to get in trouble for writing this someones going to read it and get mad at me im sure but i cant hold it in anymore!)
ok im with brian and i love him. his great what all guys should be. and then theres trina...i told her that i wanted to ask her out in high school but i was afraid shed hit me. then when i was in phx we wrote letters to eachother (no inter web and uses phones cards like candy)shes written two wonderful songs for me. and shes really a great girl. the kind id want to be with. and when i went to yuma brian and i stayed in a hotel he left the next day and trina and i stayed it in *cough drinking cough* but i was a total good girl! i stopped i could still pass to toliet test. but half of me wanted to get waisted and kiss her just so when i told brian i could blame it on the drinking. but i didnt. i dont think she would of let me anyways. but we talk a lot...a lot of what if's. which are bad because they get you thinking and putting an idea in my head is the last thing you want to do. but she said shed would wait for me. and though half of me is selfish and wants her to, the other half doesnt know what is going on with brian and me and doesnt want her to waist her time on something that may never happen. ive told her this, but still i feel like im leading her on. christina said i could move in with trina not brain. but i think me and her under the same roof would lead to a lot ( a lot im afraid of) she said well shit happens. but damnit! i dont know what im ready for. im with brian and for now ill stay with him, but im afraid that im staying because im afriad of whats out there...
im happy (are as close to happy as ive been for awhile) and i dont want to mess that up by bring these things up. i wish i could do what chris said and just have both! lol yes im greedy we all know this. but damnit. i love both of them. i can see myself with both of them. and im so protective and jealous of her. like with her co-work tina who hits on her a lot...grr i get jealous and then her kinda sorta bf anthony i really dont like him just because shes mine! but shes not! and im not a jealous person i kinda was over laruiann and brian but fuck that shit. if his fuckin her on the side which he just maybe doing. then oh well one less person in my life i have to deal with right? no not right. blah im going to lay down and not sleep because ill be thinking about this.

 

[jellybean]

dec 26, 2002
well im still alive, not for lack of trying. well 3 more days and ill have my room and house back. my brother leaves tomorrow, grandma on sat, and brian on sun. a little freaky odd but so are we so it all works i suppose. well i making breakfast and my toast just came up...mmm toast good.

 

[jellybean]

dec 29, 2002
brian and i had a long talk last night. we could of gone on all night but he said at 2 am we go to bed. because we had to be up at 9 so he could get to airport so he could go to florida to see his mommy. i told him that i dont know if he goes over seas if i can stay with him. if when he does leave we are still dating i will stay true to that. but i dont know if ill let myself stay with him when his gonna for a year and im here just waiting for something that may never happen. he said he thought i may be the one...marriage wise. but thats something im not even thinking about im 19 i wanna have fun i wanna figure out who i am what i am. and no matter what happens i wanna stay his friend but he said he'd just disappear and i cant hold that. everyone that dated me we've always kept in touch even wes i know about him through christina so i can make sure his doing ok. its werid i dont wanna use he as a fall back but i kinda feel thats what im doing. i have these feelings for trina and she knows her family knows brian knows. my friends know. but i cant do anything about it. because i dont wanna hurt anyone, but i think im hurting myself more in the end. and now trina is moving in with tina a girl from her work place. that i think they have the hots for eachother so im thinking no matter what i do im going to end up alone and in pain. sigh why does love have to hurt and suck so much. i just need to be in a swinging/open relationship so i wont have this problem

 

[jellybean]

Dec 31, 2002
Well it will be the new yr in about one hr and my parents are waiting up to do the normal apple cider we do ever yr of my life that I can remember. and all I want to do is crawl into the bath tub and just cry my heart out. Brian hasn't call me in two days his at his moms in Florida and Frank called today saaid the motor pool wants to talk to him, and Brian well explain it to me when he calls me only he wasn't called me. He doesn't even have his phone on. And I'm worried I don't know if I hurt him so bad he'll never talk to me again. Or if his hurt or what all I know if I want to know whats going on. With him and base. I want to know if his going to war. I told him I don't know if I could stay with him if he went to war but now that I know what well happen if we break up. And I don't think I can stand the worring about him all the time like this. Plus Mom isn't making this any better. She keeps asking if I called him again or if his called. Or if were fighting and I just don't know what to tell her I just don't know anything. I just want to hide away and not leave my bed. Happy new year and all that stupid shit.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 1, 2002
Well he did it he finally did it. He told me I couldn't go with him to Florida to see him mom because he didn't have enough money. I called him today hung up and then called again. And guess who picked up? Bethany his "ex" it seems as long as I've been going out with him his been going out with her. He sat on my couch and talked to her on x-mas I have her shirt hanging in my closet. But it seems it doesn't end there! Then theres Lauriann...it appears they've done everything but fuck. And he was telling me that Lauriann was nasty and she was sick and this and that all the while he was going down on her. I can't believe I was played like that. He had everyone in my family fooled...*shakes head* and I was feeling guilty for liking Trina! I just feel so fuck stupid! Like it was my fault I let this happen, his good at what he says I'll give him that. I just don't believe that I could let myself be suckered like that. Nina warned me, why didnt I listen to her. Why for once in my life why couldn't I have just let it go. Back in Nov, Oct. Whatever why couldn't I of just stood by what I said for once in my life why? I want to go to Yuma I want to be with the ppl I know a place I know. I don't want to be here in the house, his all over this house his in this chair his in my bed his in the living room my bathroom the kitchen I want him out. Out of my life forever but I want him to pay I him to pay for what he did to me Bethany and Lauriann. The sad thing is I know if he'll call her after she goes home and she'll take him back. I know I won't. Lauriann promised she'd make him pay. I just don't know what to do, I shake so bad. Just talking to Trina makes me feel better I know I if I was there I'd be ok. I pray to god that I can go. God just this once let things work out for me. Please I pray I deserve this I do. To many times have I been fucked over, I guess I pick them its my fault. Anyone who reads this let me know what to do to him? If I should try to hurt him back, if i should call his mom and tell her what her little baby son is doing to girls. or should i just let it go? i don't wanna let it go, i want to hurt him like his hurt us. please help! for the love of god help me.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 3, 2002
I finally talked to Brian today. He told Bethany his gf for 4 years that he didn't mean to say I love you and kiss me at the airport. When he wanted to make out right there on the spot. How could he do this to my family, we spent over 500 dollars on him for x-mas alone. He had it so good in this family and he fucked up so bad. I make it my promise my curse that he well get his. So far I have changed his password to his email address. And he was recalled which means he had to be there by midnight today and he didn't go he had a ticket and he called it off. Because his afriad of going to war his shipping out by the end of the month. So I called his boss and told him he had a way back and he didn't want to go. And I threated him on the phone saying that I will fuck him inside out upside sideways till he doesn't know who he is anymore he fucked with the wrong red head. You never mess with one like me, and he knew that. For 5 months he played me he fed me lies. He even believe his own lies, *shakes head* and I know as well as he well make it all okay and he'll get Bethany back. But if I have anything to say about it, he well be hurt like I've been hurt. 3 girls he cheated on her with, me, Lauriann, and Heather. If she takes him back *shakes head* she is asking for what she is getting. I have half the mind to call his mother though I know his brother will answer. And his brother knows. He told his family that I was just a friend and a lesbian no need to worry about anything. Right now I pray to god that he would of hit me. I know if he would of done that his ass would so be in military jail dis-honorable discharge. But I want him out of my life I want to be able to close my eyes and not think of the pain. The fucker messed up big time, if he just would of told me about Bethany and her about me...an open relationship I would of stayed with him. He was sitting so pretty he had everything he could of ever asked for from my family. And I want the fucker to pay is that so wrong?
I talk to mom today, dads away on business. And I told her that I don't know what I want to do with my life. And I feel like a disappoint for it. I have no direction and I tried to be what they wanted me to be. I had the "all american" bf marine red head blue eyes so many ties to him and my family. And I wasn't happy not truely happy I knew things were wrong when he never change his email password, and then in his room he still has her stuff. And he tried to get out of it when Frank called him on it. Saying oh she came down to give me my shit back...what the fuck is the mail for? Ok back to my point. I told mom I don't know if I'm gay or not, and I can't ever be sure of that its a question I've been trying to deal with for a very long time. And if I am I'm afraid that you (mom) will disown me. And I don't want that. True this is my fault I let this go this far with Brian. But he soo damn good man is he god that boy can lie lie lie.
i dont know if i want to be the bigger person in this or not. i know his lied to his mother about me already im sure. but i want to email her and tell her what her son is doing, but im sure hell just cover it up with oh shes crazy like he did wth bethany. and i have the overwhelming feeling that i am still being fucked over. i havent eated all day and ive had about 4 hrs sleep in total including the 2 i got after i talked to him. i was so emtional tried i passed right out. ive tired sleeping in moms room but its the wrong side of the bed and as odd as it sounds my cat takes up most of the bed.
i thankgod for my friends right now if it wasnt for them i dont know how i could get there this hate im not going to hurt myself not over a piece of shit like him. just being able to call trina at 1 in the morning just to know someone else is on the line makes me feel better. oh yeah he tried to make it sound like i picked trina over him but that doesnt change the fact that for 5 months his had 3 different girls.
anyone out there in cali az mass or florida who very hears the name brian james luse. hit him for me please or run if your a girl because his good damn good with his my dads friends made me have sex with him and his my dads a pothead. and this and that. ohhh his damn good he plays that help me im sweet and innocent better than i can. though i am a bit of a bitch. so goodbye brian i hope you dont get some odd penis disease while your at war you lil chicken shit. oh and try not to get your foot or leg or arm shot off.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 3, 2002
I know I must sound stupid. But I feel a part of me is missing. I gave so much to him and he just took it all away without explaining or reason. Just in my life one minute and out the next. He had no right to do that to me. I think about all the good times we had together and I wonder WHAT DID I DO? What could I of done...though I know its not my fault that I had nothing to do with it it was him and his lies. I just wonder how he could of sat in my living room with my family and taken all the things we gave him, and even just never call again. He woouldn't have called that is. He wanted to stay in flordia with Bethany (I know she took him back, the poor thing. She's so weak and his lies are so strong) he knew that once he got back to the base and I knew he was home then I had 10 different ways of getting ahold of him. But in Florida he was safe he could hide behind his lies. What did I do to deserve this kind of pain. What gave him the right to do with he did. I want him out out of my life out of my head out of my house. But I can't I can't get him out. I'm so used to the 8 o'clock calls even though they were growing shorter in the past months. Because he would talk to Bethany till 3 in the morning. The lil talks on his lunch break. I have no one, no one who can really talk to me, hold me while I cry and tell me everything well be fine. I am totally alone, and in that way I thinks his won. And I hate him for that I don't know how to heal from this no one has hurt me this bad in my whole life. The betrayal runs so deep. There is a reason Christina nicknamed me satan. And I will stand by that.

 

[jellybean]

Jan 5, 2002
When I'm alone all I seem to do is cry. My mother said "this too shall pass" and Trisha said "it well pass as quickly as you make it" I've tried making. I wished it gone I've prayed for it out of my life. I want to be whole thats all I ever wanted. Brian came into my life when I had no hope. And he gave me some. When I was ready to die and no care ready to be rapped and not give a damn. And he showed me feeling. True love or so it seems. But now now *shakes head* lies all lies. He never cared for me. As his told bethany "we had a fight and he didn't mean to kiss me and say I love you" Well if that was true do you really think I could let him out of my house with all though presents? Do you really think I would of make him lil snacks for the plane ride. Hell, even take him to the aiport. I'd probably kick his ass out of my house and then trow his shit at him and let him walk the 10 miles. Oh god, why did he do this to me.
I was thinking the other day while driving past churchs. Can things ever go back to the way that they were. Can I ever have faith again? Faith in god in myself in people? If I went back to church and gave all my time to it like I did in high school and jr high. Will I just forget and go back to the numbness. To be honest I think im numb now. I don't really feel sadness, sorrow, pain, hungry, or tiredness. I just seem to cry without reason. I can't sleep because I think of the words he said that last night we were together. "I really think your the one" the one for what? To be your mistress while you have the perfect life with someone else? Hell, if she knew about me and I her than I won't of given a fuck I really won't of. I'm all for an open relationship, just the lieing. I so feel like a stupid little girl, who got played so bad.
What hurts more is I know while I'm sitting here crying pouring my soul to others and this page. His at home with his family and gf. Probably laughing hugs and kissing have a wonderful time. Why is it its the girl who always gets hurt and the guys who get the praise. Brians little brother knew he knew and he didn't care. His older brother is showing him its ok to do this to woman. To play them and hurt them like he has. Though I don't know how badly Bethany is hurt she cried to me on the phone. But I just have this feeling that she was playing me too. I can't say if its true or not I know nothing of the girl. But I just have this feeling he fed her lies about me. Saying how horrible I was and how I was cheating on him with this person and that one. When I gave him my everything. I didn't know if it was right but I did it anyways. God how stupid could I have been? I want so badly to go to Yuma. To lay in the arms of Trisha and Mary and Christina and Trina and Sabrina and Andy. And play with my lil Emmeres. The people I know love me and would do anything for me. The ppl I need to see and hear and touch. I am going mad here he is everywhere I looked up and i see him sitting here in my couch on my bed on my floor in my chair in my bathroom. I wish him gone out. But the sad thing is, if he came to my door right now. I would probably welcome him back, the things he said were so sweet and charming. Trisha says I'm stronger than that and I am trying to be. I really am.

 

[jellybean]

Well crap I didn't mean to submit I meant to check how many words I had. Anyways, everyone thinks I'm this overwhelming energy and strength. And sometimes I am for others but not for myself. If someone anyone just told me what to do right now I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel so lost like no one can reach me. So disconnected for everything I am. Everything I want to me. The sad thing is, in a couple of months I probably would of moved to cali for him. *deep breath* But I will do this, I will be better than he is. I know it wasn't true love with him, not like christina ( and her poor face, I'm sorry now for bitch slaping her but then oh god it felt so right) with her I was willing to die for her. With him, not even close. I won't hurt myself for him. Never will I give that to him, he doesn't deserve it. I wish I could of record the things he said to me, or scan the things he wrote so I could post them here. But I don't have that power. He was too smart for that the only fuck up he made was the flowers he send me. But this is one of the best diets ive ever been on...I've lost 6 pounds in 2 days! I weight 119 now. Thats one thing he said about Bethany she gained weight and then he broke up with her. And I found her things in his room, and the cds his friend won't give back, he later let slip she had them and won't give them back. I should of caught on. But I was to lonely to willing to make that loniness go away at whatever price and I'm paying for it now.
Alone I shall stand through the darkest hours of the night I shall make it through. Because I am the red haired strong with arms opened to the morning sky.

 

[jellybean]

jan 5, 2002
Looking back on everything I wrote over the past couple of months. I wish I could just make it go away. I wish I could have those 5 months back. I wish Christina never told him how bad I was. I know now why I cry. Because I opened up like no other with him. I shared everything I didn't hide I thing I had feelings for someone else and I told him because I wanted to be as honest with him as I could. I told him things I woundn't of told myself. I shared my soul, and now look what its gonna me. Nothing but hurt and betrayal. I forgave Christina for hurting me 3yrs ago. I was always a trusting and caring person. But everyone was saying oh look how happy you are...oh my god is that a smile or a laugh. They loved brian because he "loved" me. I never seemed to be in a bad mood around him and when I was he made it go away. And now, I'm suppose to just forget that I was betrayed like no one could ever forget. He took away a piece of my innocence he had no right to have. He took a piece of me away, a piece i so willling gave to his lies.
I want to just hide away, but if I'm alone in the dark without this computer I know I'll just think. God, right now I would be on the phone with him crying not sitting here with this cold keyboard to express my feelings. Not like anyone understands, its my pain and my pain alone. But expressing this pain I'm letting him win. His over powering me. Paul tells me to think back farther before him so I won't think of him all over my house, but he is all I know here. Everything I've done has with him. If I was in Yuma with ppl and things and places I know then I think I could do it. But everything that is here is in him. God and just think when I was in 2 9 with him and I got a pregance test because we thought I was, he was disaapointed with it came back negative. He so wanted to me to have baby. He so wants a wife and kids. Its almost as though he was trying to have a race to see which one of us would move there first. And if I did he'd do the something he did in June. Say his grandpa is sick and go back to Bethany. Ha he took out the trash and make breakfast, he seemed too good to be true and so he was. I loath laying in my own bed. And I love my bed I used to joke that I could live there if I had the means. And now I can't stand the sight of everything I love everything his touched is dulls it. Even me, I've tried to wash it away but it just seems to grow back worse than before.

 

[jellybean]

I wrote this a couple of nights ago to help me deal its a letter to Brian. Its a lil Anne Riceish if you ask me.

My Dark Prince on his black horse of lies. His armor shiney as it were but dulled by the words you speak. My Romeo with a lizard tongue, the lies you weave can not save you now. For I have broken your spell. I have seen the ghastly creature that lives inside your heart. No more tears shall I shed for you, no more pain should I give you. You were not deserving of the love I gave to you. But that love was a lie even to me, for I see now that is was not love. Loneness, the loneness that crept into my heart in the darkest hours of the night. The darkness that took hold, you let me think it was trust. The trust you say you deserved, the trust our relationship was based upon. But that my Lizard King, speaks no more truth than the words that escape your mouth. So I say this is every fiber of my being with the very spirit this is in my soul. I curse you I call upon my great goddess Aphrodite, the wonderment of love. And I call upon her to aid me, to help me show you what you deserve. What are truly worth to this world. Woman you use and discard like them mean nothing to you. Well in truth you are the meaningless one, for you well soon suffer the consequence of what you have none. Not only to me but the others, the ones you charmed with your, poor me and I'm the last good guy act. Only you are no different an a rat. And even they must have honor among themselves. You show no honor not to your family or your heritage. You shouldn't to mess with one as I am, the red haired beauty, with the heart as black as the night sky itself. I alone shall stand my ground and show you that you are meaningless and weak, cowardly if it were. For a true man would know not to mess with the one you have dishearten.

Now my weak one, go to the woman who you deem fit to love you, and I shall make sure that they turn their backs upon you. The knife was stabbed into my back, yes this is true. But the cut was shallow and clean. So I remove it and the wound well heal, and I shall carry the scar with pride. For I have learned a new lesson, one only you could of taught me. Truth and trust are dulled by the tongues of man. Never except what is give to you even when it breaking your heart to see the truth. But the truth is my dear, Brian. I will laugh in your face, because I am still better than you. I always have been and I always well be. You may make me bleed, but you can't destroy my soul, my strength. I shall speak no more of this and rid you from my life.

 

[jellybean]

jan 6, 2002
Well my fucking computer is to the point its shop time. The fuckin thing just cut me off in the middle of my writting and I didnt get to a chance to save. Piece of shit! I know they got it because of the cd burner but stupid ewindows. I think I'm feeling a little bit better though I have 2 lights on the tv and the cd player. Well see how I do when the lights are off and its just me and my mind who takes over. Im gonna call to make an appt for the "bad" doc tomorrow (you girls know what i mean!) I think I'll feel a little bit better once I go to her and see how things are. Though we'll have to pay out of our pocket so that may set me back on the trip to Yuma. If I even can go we haven't talked about it. I know they don't want me to sent me away to heal. They want to help me through it but they only way I think I can only fully heal when I'm away from all the memories around every concer. It's funny how 3 yes ago when Christina ripped my heart out (like all first loves do) and Meredith spit on it. I still listen to the same song. I Quiet off the Buffy soundtrack. It alwasy reminds me of our little christmas party I guess it was 99 or 98 Laura, Mary, Trisha and I all at Trisha's house listening to this song I can remember what each gave me
Mary: Crows deck of Tarot cards
Laura: bath and body works green nail polish and a blue handbag
Trisha: a green shirt I still have
God those were the times when I was safe I always had someone by my side and now I have to stand alone. Thats why I hide why I haven't changed in the last 6 months. I put my life on hold and it's fucked me over ever more. I'm afraid of living, of dieing. Of never doing something anything I have no direction I just want to be great I want to write I know that much. Though I'm not that good. But when I look back on those words and I realize I've made it this far I'm still standing. I've made it through 3 pretty fucked up relationships, more than half a dozen fucked up friendship (most end nowhere, just never talked again). The death of someone I was so close to. I made her apart of me forever on my skin. This too I shall over come its just a matter of time. Mom says I need to grieve but then says to go out and get a job to put a game face on. I can't just act like it didn't happen. Though it backs up my theory everyone lefts me one way or another. They take everything away from me or little pieces slowly. Hope I look at it a lot now a days, 7 months ago when I got it tattooed on my chest next to my heart. I had no idea how much I would truly need it in my life. I need to have hope in myself and others again. I've lost a lot of hope and faith in humans, and their weaves of lies. How easily a tongue can just let the words of dishonestly slip through there lips without a second thought. Every little white lies hurts, it snow balls till you can't stop anymore. You can't control where it ends. Think twice before you open your mouth speak. Only truth even when it hurts someone you love. It's better than lies.